#daboek

[atevegter]

751 Rust en stilte

751 Rust en stilte

Zo, dat is lekker. Iedereen is weg. De buren zijn naar de dierentuin en de andere buren zijn terug naar Duitsland. Er gaapt een groot gat met geel gras voor onze neus. ‘Nu hebben we heel veel speelgras,’ zegt Piep. Ik beaam het, want wie ben ik om de waarnemingen van mijn dochter te betwijfelen en het is interessant hoe zij moeiteloos een nieuwe invulling geeft aan de open ruimte.

Even later komt…

[vcintag]

Though I've seen this letter written by a million different people in a million different ways, I've also rewritten this probably a million times since you left. But now, after six months, I've finally found all the words that I wanted to say to you, and surprisingly enough they aren't "I'm sorry."

I've constantly apologized to you. For not being enough, for being who I am, for not being or looking who you wanted me to be. I would always feel bad when you hurt me, ignored me, or even when you made me so angry. Though today it makes me so happy that I don't want to say sorry now. I can't believe this but now I get to say thank you.

I hope she makes you happy, happier than I ever did. I think you deserve a girl who makes you feel like you can do anything you set your mind too. I'm terribly sorry I couldn't do that for you. I hope you treat her the same way you treated me in the beginning, and if not better than that. If you do end up growing tired of her and want to end things, don't treat her the same you did to me. If she's anything like me, she'll question everything and begin to hate herself. Even if you don't love her anymore, please don't let her lose the love she has for herself. It's been five, almost six months, and my love for myself is finally beginning to show.

I never thought another person could have so much influence on the way I behave or act. You literally made me hate myself. I cried myself to sleep most nights and cried so hard that I threw up. I didn't eat, didn't smile, didn't talk at all because those simple text messages you sent me on that day. It was so heartbreaking and truly shattering how someone I was so very close to and shared some of my deepest secrets with could say those words to me. You made me trust you and let you in. I told you things I never told anyone. I was vulnerable with you, and you took that vulnerability to hurt me in the end. All of this made me wonder if that's how other people saw me too. You used to make me feel so beautiful but after you left I had never felt more ugly in my entire life.

I know that deep down you're a genuine person, but if you ever wonder what it was you did to me, think of the girl silently sobbing in her dorm trying to not wake her roommate. I want you to think of the girl that never slept because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become my own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who physically couldn't eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused by thinking what she could've done wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so so so much that she had to force herself to even get out of bed in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl that had to go to therapy every week, who had to go up on her medication because the pain was so bad it needed to be numbed. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden since you left me.

You lied to me so many times. You lied to me about talking to her, and about your true feelings towards her. I began to wonder if your compliments were actually true. When you called me beautiful or when you said I could accomplish great things; were those lies too? The time we spent together all became a huge question mark to me. Did you really see me as the brunette girl in your dreams like you said you did? I can't tell what you're genuine about anymore. Not like it matters. I just wish you saw how much this all affected me. Maybe you would at least care then.

Honestly, I think I almost forgave you. For how you acted, for how you controlled me towards the end, and how you ended things. I can't ever forgive you for making me hate myself. You made me question my self-worth; that's not something I really ever pictured myself being capable of. You'd understand if you were me. Funny enough, if you were me, I wouldn't have put you through that situation in the first place. I would never have put you through what you've put me through. I valued you way more than that and didn't lie when I said I'd never hurt you either.

But still, despite all that, I hope she’s good for you and keeps you happy. Though, I still hope your family hates her and constantly reminds you of how much they liked me and how good I was for you. If I have to continue to remember every day how you caused me to hate myself, I think you deserve that little remembrance of me every day too. I hope that if and when you see me for the first time since we broke up, that you feel that pain in your gut, guilt perhaps, that made you feel terrible for having treated me the way you did and leaving like the coward you truly are.

This letter is everything I want to say but never could tell you. This is everything you need to know, but never will. I guess I have some control over the situation. Yes, control, what I craved and wanted the entire time. But none of that matters anymore. You are one of the greatest, yet worst people I've had the absolute pleasure of meeting.

Without you, I couldn't be as strong and mature as I am now. And though, there is almost zero chance you'll ever come across this. I want to say two words. It's not "I'm sorry." It's thank you. You changed me for the worst, but I've finally changed me for the better. Thanks to you, I never have to feel sorry for being exactly who I am.

[milesamores]

Note to self #2

She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl Voice so quiet you don't hear a word Always talking but she can't be heard You can see it there if you catch her eye I know she's brave but it's trapped inside Scared to talk but she don't know why Wish I knew back then What I know now Wish I could somehow Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful Everything she doesn't see You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out And know that right here, right now You can be beautiful, wonderful Anything you wanna be

  Prachtig nummer. 

Het is hoe ik me voel, maar dan op het werk.  En ik vertel het mezelf echt 

speak up, shout out, talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder.  Maar ik wilde dat ik het kon. 

[eigenwijze]

A radio diary for 'De andere Wereld' on the Dutch Radio 5. A link to the written text and here you can listen live.