#dad’s best friend fucks hard
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Honestly Mace would have loved Luke and Leia with his whole heart.
yes!!! honestly he's like a grandparent (in the dynamic way, not age way) bc he was harsh on anakin but you KNOW he's much more caring for the twins, like how a grandparent is strict on their kid but gives their grandkid literally whatever. and anakin's like where was this for me
#i've never drawn anything for it but i think about AUs where anakin's caught or killed n rots is stopped a lot#and then the jedi take the twins and are Too Careful and the twins just Know theres smthn off abt them but dont know what it is#and all the difficulty padme faces bc the jedi fucked anakin up!! she doesnt want them having her kids!!!! the last she has left of Him!!#but whats she supposed to do about her illegal-kids-of-an-evil-jedi against an ancient order backed by the senate and law#and you have obi wan torn between wanting whats best for the galaxy (the twins are carefully trained)#vs wanting whats best for his friend and tbh his brotherwhatever's memory (padme keeps the twins)#very aggressive jedi vs human conflict for him#theres just SO MUCH in those kinda AUs#bit hard to draw to explain tho. like u gotta draw so much for context so ive never rlly tried#but i think abt mace and his relationship w the twins there sm bc you KNOW he wants to treat them coldly and w constant suspicion#but he Just Can't#cause ya know. their dad. went evil. and theyre also INSANELY POWERFUL force users#thanks for the ask!#wow ok went off in the tags abt an au nobody asked for <3#gotta get it out my head somehow ig
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when Cleo asks "do you have space on your team etho?" and Etho goes "oh? you wanna get rid of bdubs?" and then the next episode Bdubs says "I missed a couple times, I missed a couple times, I wouldn't miss, now, when it matters" and they think they're soooo slick and no one knows they miss each other GIRLIES YOU ARE YEARNING!!!!!
#limited life spoilers#limited life smp#limited life#Ethoslab#Bdoubleo100#ethubs#trafficshipping#these two will drive me CRAZY I SWEAR TO *GOD*#I KNOW when bdubs say that he was referring to his fighting skills but you CANNOT tell me it wasn't a metaphor for something else ok#I'm shaking them so hard they want to be with each other sooooooo bad and they're so bad at pretending they don't#does the clockers make it a bit weird bc bdubs and scar are brothers but also etho is scar's dad? yeah. yeah but erhubs precedes that. ok#it's like a whole new version of telling your best friend you fucked his mom#except it's his dad and you'be been in gay love for 3 seasons now
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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Yes yes okay Buck with babies is very cute uh huh but like... I just cannot see Eddie wanting another kid. And like idk them being a family of three is just!!! It's so good!
#eddie diaz#evan buckley#9 1 1#Christopher diaz#i feel like im the only buddie shipper who doesnt want them to gain another child somehow#like idk eddie and chris are such a unit and a team and eddie struggled so hard with being a dad and i dont think he ever fell in love with#being a parent but instead with being CHRIS' parent#like im sure if he somehow acquired another kid he would step up and be a great dad to them too but hes not actively seeking out being a da#again#and like buck and chris have such a special bond too!!!#like buck saved his life. hes his best friend. chris snuck into the icu to tell him to get the fuck better#the buckley diaz family is a family of three to me im sorry#buddie#buckley diaz family
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stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying
I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.
#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake.#The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes#and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose#bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day#Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget#hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide#again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite#a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve#ybody#and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll#run out of money and die#you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it#wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good!#so true bestie. so ture#Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t#me for a while#all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break#also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will#happen after each person in my family dies.#the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old#the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit#and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age#i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself#i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f
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#like I’m sorry#I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me#and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard#and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way#and has never worried about money as a kid#and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book#like she did everything she can to understand and relate#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone#because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am#and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping#I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child#that are impacting by daily life and interactions#and like I feel so fucking alone#and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING#I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd#especially not therapists of color#I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking#and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis#and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it??#I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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i don't want to ask for reassurance, i just want people to say they care about me and trust me and hell maybe they can tell me they want to spend time with me or they want to talk to me or listen to me or hug me or fuck maybe they can tell me they love me
#god all that shit fucked me up again and now i can't even get myself to message my friends because what if they don't want to hear from me?#i can't ask my friends to hang out. i cant open up to a person. i can't ask my step dad to take me somewhere. i can't look my mom in the eye#it's worse now that i have rational thoughts. i understand that /someone/ likely has to care about me. i understand it's impossible for me-#to be fully untrustworthy or unlovable or not thought about. especially with the people i surround myself with#but it's just so hard to believe. and god i wish i just hated myself but i /don't/. i really don't#and that's what makes it so hard. i can't find any major flaws in myself but i also can't find a reason why someone would stick around#i'm cutting it off here. it's 1:45 am. i'm not tired but it's wise to go to sleep#god. this fuckin sucks. i just want it to go back to how it was before where i didn't feel like i was walking on eggshells ALL the time#yeah i was still so unsure but not i can't even /text/ my /best friends/. what the hell??
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HELAL
I have a lot of stuff running through my mind rn and im in a hurry and idk if its going to make sense but oh well.
(its list anon and I have another thing to add to my 'favorite things about finding myself in Hellas circle of existence list thing)
The thing is how much your personality sinks through into your writing and blog thing.
Let me explain,
I lost internet for a few days and I just got it back and was scrolling through tumblr and noticed one of my mutuals reblog something of yours and I was like 'I havent been on the internet for like four days, I wonder what Hella has been up to.' and so I started stalking you (as one does) and like scrolling through your blog and everything and I came across the post you thinged about your hometown and about how shameful you are about your writing and that sent me into a spiral because I know the feeling and couldnt put it into words and I felt so called out.
Thats besides the point.
I had this thing to add to the list for a while and couldn't figure out how to explain it without seeming weird so Im just doing my best here.
It's like when you post things about the things that go on in your mind. I touched on this in my first list thingy with the whole 'when you post little snippets of whats going on in your mind and turn it into what I can only describe as poetyry' part. It's simular but it's not the same.
It's really easy to see someone and follow someone who is so eloquent and brilliant and hold them close to divinity and think about how untouchable they are, which seems weird because I'm on Tumblr of all places. But like when you follow your favorite authors on twitter or instagram and they seem almost inhuman. And sometimes it feels like being that talented is so unattainable because you're not them, you can't spew out flawless lines of words seemingly effortlessly and you cant come up with a plot that clever and even if you can't you can't give the story justice because you're not that good of a writer.
Even other writers on this site are like this and so...ethereal almost. I've mentioned before how a lot of other writer almost run their blog like a business and everything and you scroll through them and see people constantly sending them asks about their works and sending them fanart and people obsessing over their art and like I said it seems unattainable for your average person. Like I dont get that so maybe I'm not that good.
Then I come to your blog and you talk about situations I relate to and you don't hide your humanity and you talk about your classes in economics of all things and your home town and all your problems (while valid) are normal. You're more relatable than the other writers I follow at least.
I've mentioned in other asks ( I dont think they were list ones but they might have been idk ) that you inspire me a lot. This is why. Also the fact that you're my age (I'm 18) and your not in your 20s and you havent taken a decades worth of writing classes and you dont have a degree in literature. You're literally just person living a normal life. That's not to say other authors and writers arent just normal people but you just show it a lot more, idk.
Like reading things like taob and tbos and then going to your main blog and seeing the way you write your stuff in your mind and then going two posts down and your talking about normal things makes me think that maybe I can write something incredible too one day.
And the reason I have the ability to feel that way in relation to you and your stupid blog (affectionate) is because you let your normal personality show, not some robotic businessy- type personality.
That's not to say that I don't think your just an average person, average people can't describe things so rawly. But, like I said, you're not untouchable.
Based on what I see from you and what you show online, I really think that you have the potential to be great one day. Not that you should hold yourself and force yourself into a life you don't want, like if you don't want to be a famous writer, don't be. But I genuinely just hope that you grow up and find a career you're happy in.
More than anyone I see on the internet, you deserve to live a life that you absolutely love, no matter what that might be.
I said it before that I always feel really obsessive when I send asks like this, and I feel creepy, so if I come off that way I'm sorry. I just try to make it a point to tell people when I enjoy them as a person.
Also I have some songs that kind of remind me of you.
The first one if Vienna by Billy Joel. I think the chances of you not knowing this one is very slim because it's such as popular song right now. But it's my favorite song and it reminds me of you.
The other one is read all about it by Emili Sande (pt 3 is the best) I think this song is also pretty popular, it also might not be, idk. But it's one of those songs that not a lot of people that I show it to like. Idk why. The vocals are weird (in my opinion) but I love the lyrics.
If you already know these songs just ignore this part :)
ME WHEN LIST ANON:
#bestie beloved my best friend my rotten soldier listen let me tell you something listen listen#every time you send an ask like this i read it and then REFUSE to answer it for a while#(sorry about that)#and i just hold onto it sometimes for weeks sometimes for MONTHS#and it sort of feels like it's just you and me and it feels so special and i come back and reread it#because you make me fall a little in love with myself? not in a narcissistic way#but just in such a tender soft 'maybe things are going to be okay' way#because for how dark and messy it feels to BE me i forget that no one else sees that#and the person i fought so hard to be is someone people... like??? and admire??? to THIS extent#even if it's just one person it's such a euphoric feeling i cant explain it#please never stop sending these i mean yes you can i doubt youve got much to say anymore bc bestie youve sent an ESSAY at this point#(<- that feels like it comes across judgey but i am trying v hard to convey the adoration i have for these asks so i promise it's not LMAO)#god i just. yeah. thank you. genuinely from the bottom of my heart thank you#okay tears wiped away hair fixed eyeliner partially smudged SONG RECS#WHO THE FUCK DID YOU REC READ ALL ABOUT IT TO AND THEY DIDNT LIKE IT???? i'll hunt them for sport fr#i was OBSESSED with that song when it came out like even as a kid ive had this audio thing#where i completely hyperfixate on audios and that often includes songs (why did i never clock i had adhd)#like i remember being like 8 years old and putting 'in the ghetto' by elvis presley on loop on my barbie stereo#and my dad was like why the fuck is she listening to THAT of all things on loop SKDJHJSH#but ANYWAY THIS SONG WAS ONE OF THOSE SONGS I TOTALLY LATCHED ONTO#I PLAYED IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES GENUINELY#and omg vienna. beloved beautiful song and you saying it reminded you of me actually made me realise how ur asks make me feel#ur asks make me feel like im a girl in a song and it's just such a <33333 mf u give me butterflies#kisses u kisses u kisses u#ask
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i really fucking hate that at 21 i still have strict rules abt shit i can and can't do but more than that i hate that i don't do anything about i
#my friends are all sleeping over at one of our houses tonight so i asked to go#i am still not fucking allowed to go to sleepovers apparently. and i still dont know why#i spent all week worrying abt when and how it would be best to ask and arguments i could make to convince my mom#and when i finally asked her she immediately shut me down and instead i just fucking. rolled with it and said nothing#so i guess somehow at 21 fucking years old were still doing the 'you can go until midnight then come home' thing that 8yr olds do#levi.txt#vent tw#and theres NEVER going to be a better time than this to let me do it. its my friend of 5+yrs mom knows her parents and trusts them#hell her dad was a police chief. were not going to do Anything that were not allowed to do in his house#but no i still just get 'you know i dont like sleepovers' and 'youre not taking the car overnight'. no explanation no debate#and i didnt say ANYTHING to defend myself bc i let my family say fucking anything and get away w it every time#at this rate ill be 30 w no backbone still living in this fucking house istg#and its not even like ive ever once given her a reason to put restrictions like this on me! ive been well behaved my entire life#i have never once broken a major rule or disobeyed her in any meaningful way ive Always done what she wanted. no matter what#ive literally been almost perfectly behaved other than normal kid stuff i have tried so fucking hard to make them happy#my parents are just insanely fucking overprotective and always have been#not being allowed to do these kinds of things is exactly why i never had friends growing up#bc how are you gonna be friends with someone who never shows up outside of school and cant watch anything with cursing in it
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i’d heard so much about how rory is kinda insufferable in the later seasons, but why didn’t anyone warn me about lorelei
#why does she behave like a child?#why does everyone treat jess like that?#why is she always so fucking childish with her parents#rory wanted to goto harvard so she just didn’t apply any other place? and then when her dad said that ivy leagues are difficult to get into#and lorelei doesn’t know how hard these admissions can get#and all of that is true!! rory could still get rejected because everyone else applying is just as perfect as her#i don’t really understand i barely liked lorelai in season 1#and i just can’t bring myself to like her afterwards#she’s so immature#and she behaves like the child in the relationship#‘my daughter is my best friend’ but she shouldn’t be? you should be her mother? you could be your daughter’s best friend#but your daughter shouldn’t be your best friend at that age#like she’s what 14 when the show starts#at least wait until she goes to uni#and what was that with when chris is having a baby with his gf#why were they so mad at him#he didn’t wanna same the mistakes he used to! why is that a sin in their books?!#lorelai is understanding towards everyone but her parents also#the only person i’m rooting for in this show is emily gilmore#also sookie i love her so much#gilmore girls
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LOL I love how I haven’t gotten a chance to recover from the Christmas Spiral after all the issues w my car as I’m quickly being plummeted into the Shared Birthday Spiral
#mud rambles#this is vague as hell but to elaborate just a little#as we all know i hate christmas for a lot of reasons#mostly i have trauma and generally uncomfortable/shitty feelings centered around christmas#and as for the Birthday Thing#my incestual abuser's birthday is coming up soon and that just so happens to also be my ex best friend's birthday#because fuck my life#so before. the day had been pretty balanced out bc before everything I had someone i loved and who i THOUGHT cared about me to celebrate#on that day instead of having to think about my incestual abuser#and now this is gonna be the first year since at least like 8? that not only am I gonna have to fully deal with that#but now i have the added pain and trauma of not having my best friend anymore!#so the day compounds into bday of my incestual abuser and bday of the person i thought i was gonna be with for the rest of my life but#instead they decided to treat me like nothing. not in the same way as my abuser but yknow. both have treated me like nothing#theyre not abusive for what they did (ex bsf) but it doesnt change that what happened was fucking traumatizing#id love to not have to worry about this shit but unfortunately i dont get to choose what traumatizes me or how people treat me#i only get to choose how i react#shit sucks. it's hard. ive been trying not to think about it but so much has been fucking ass for me lately#and the timing of this shit is just. lovely. when this year marks a full fucking decade since my dad died#but hey! at least i wont have to deal with insensitive ass comments from their girlfriend on fathers day like last year!#i dont regret cutting either of them off for a second i just regret giving so much of myself to them#i regret giving them the power to hurt me like they did#i know i talk about this shit A LOT but like. what the fuck else am i supposed to do when i cant get therapy#to deal with the fact that my best friend of what? 7 years? treated me like fucking garbage and enabled their girlfriend to do the same#im not sorry for talking about it anyway. especially because this is the ONE place i can#i talk to my partner but like. I cant traumadump every single time i think about this shit so. this is the alternatibe#idk im just really. so sick of it. idk what i need to do to feel better#i get better for a bit but then shit happens and i ruminate because what the fuck else can i do#the one good thing about this stupid month is my lil bros birthday but im also sad because idk if he's gonna be able to visit =(
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Ngh awake thinking about the way phantasmagorias author portrays the majima everywhere alert through prose like YOW the second before the door slams open you already feel ten thousand icy cold needles shooting into your skin so deep they pierce to the marrow, like youve walked into a spiderweb spun with threads of fate and theyre all wrapping around you and trying to converge inside your body and then the door opens and its him. Its really him and you have every reason to square your shoulders up and tell him get the FUCK out of my home
#Yakuza liveblog#like aoaoayooouuu i lovee this fic so much i consider it the Best One. i adore how utterly faithful it is to the games even if the author#despises the kiwamis LOL but whenever i read it i go EEK !!! and start kicking my feet like a girl#i linked chapter two which was the start of the encounter but chapter two has many many many MANY terrible scenes where kiryus just being#fucked up and over and sideways by literally everything and it sucks to read#and you can really tell how unhappy he is because instead of letting his fists talk first his confusion actually splits through his rage#beacause the sight of majima alone ... dangerous and a stranger to this new life hes destroying his back and hands to build... kiryu#recognoses him as not a ‘friend’ really but an Opportunity. hes shot back a year into the past where every songle day would be bloody#knuckles and split lips and hes comfortable in a body aching with bruises and pumping hot blood through his veins. he fucking hates#construction work he hates that he cant make enough to even buy haruka some new damn shoes he hates that his days are packed full with#below minumum wage hours he hates that people out there need help and hes forced to keep his head down and work work work himself to death#and back again just to make instant noodles for breakfast for his daughter and tap water for himself ... but he will do it. he will keep#doing it for as long as it takes if it means haruka can keep going to school and haruka will keep going to school even if she hates it#because her papas working so damn hard for her to have the shot at life that he didnt. haruka the same girl whos going to take on someone#elses dream and make it come true. not for herself because thats not what she wanted at all... someone told her papa that its every little#girls dream to be a star and he believed it .. so she believes it too. even if its not true. she kept believing it when she realised that#mireis dreams had landed squarely on her shoulders and she had to make it all come true just so she could come running back to do what she#actually wants !!! she wants her dad she wants her siblings she wants her family !!!! thats just how it is sometimes !! she inherited kiryus#tendency to be the big hero and yet kiryu is just a tad more selfish than she is because he saw majima in that doorway and kamurochos scent#flooded his shitty little apartment again and he wanted it badly so so badly that he couldnt help but let majima in#hello by the way hii :)#helioshellion is a fucking genius even if i cant spell their url ever
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Why do I feel guilty for being happy? Like I am happiest sitting in the trunk of the car at the lake alone reading and listening to music and watching movies and just being alone in the van and then I have to like force myself to get back in the drivers seat and go home to be alone at home like even if I did the same stuff in my bedroom it wouldn't make me happy the same way. I feel so bad for this change I feel like I'm avoiding my mom when I'm not it's just like memories of dad and friends I don't talk to anymore and like yeah it's just a lot easier to sit in the car and be happy so why do I feel so bad when I'm happy driving around
#i love my mom I love my bedroom I love my dog I love my house I love my yard and my neighbors but why did he have to die down the street#like dude#it's literally the closer I get to my house the worse this fucking black cloud is over my head#i just want to get away from it and the twenty minutes to drive to the lake seems to be just enough for me to get away from it all and just#live in the moment#and it's perfect. it's fucking perfect. but then I have to get up and go home cause I can't sit in the car forever#and I used to sit in the driveway at the old house parked for an hour after I got home#but now we've got real neighbors and no trees surrounding the yard we're so painfully visable to everyone I just want to sit outside but#also hide from the world at the same time and that's why I miss New England and trees surrounding my bedroom and climbing out my window to#smoke on a little wooden stool I made in eighth grade and I miss that old house so much and I can never go back and they cut all the trees#down anyways#the trees that watched me cry when I walked home from school and jump rope and laugh and smoke cigs with my best friend at the time and now#the trees are gone#it feels like a piece of me is still with that house in New Hampshire even though new people live there and maybe there's a part of my dad#there too that I'm not getting back#i can see him so clearly in my brain sitting at his desk in that house#i can see it clearer than I can see him anywhere in the new house he isn't with us he is in New Hampshire he isn't here it's so painfully#obvious that he isn't here anymore and it just hurts I don't wanna think about the house I just want to sit at the lake and cry in the trunk#like I'm doing rn cause fuck I made the tears happen thinking about New Hampshire and growing up and changing and death and my dad#it's just really hard to deal with sometimes and I had a great day today but I'm still ending it by crying
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I don't know if people consider 10 Things I Hate About You to be like problematic or bad but I just finished it and you know what? If my partner bought me a guitar anytime they screwed up I would absolutely stick around. Do you know how many guitars that could get me? So many. I could have enough guitars for all the picks I have. That's the dream, baby.
#of the couples present i enjoyed apects of each of them#not big on cameron as a character but i do enjoy bianca finally standing up for herself and attacking joey. that's. that's good on her#i very much enjoyed the b plot of Michael and kat's best friend#i would want someone to go that hard upon finding out my favorite thing#in general i just enjoyed michael as a character#and then pat and kat#first off#literal paint ball. no gun just balls of paint they throw#huge fan of that and i want to maybe try it out#secondly I'm honestly annoyed that kat was angry at patrick for not kissing her when she was literally puking from alcohol#like that was maybe 30 minutes ago in movie. you smell like alcohol and puke why would he kiss you just hygienic wise NOT EVEN consent wise#lastly. my beautiful genius kat...#you didnt go in with a better formed plan for the detention scene??#*starts talking about teacher's biceps. junk. grabs his face. and then flashes him.* *then proceeds to look embarrassed#YOU DID THAT HUN. THOSE WERE YOUR CHOICES.#and of course by that i mean the writer wrote you that way but like still#oof#oh fuck one more thing#her hair in the prom scene made me think about the princess diaries when mia said she looked like a poodle and i feel so bad#thats just her hair but with her dad bring Paulo i kept thinking about the princess diaries
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feeling vv abnormal about the loss of myself :\
#haven’t done anything besides school and work in like half a year#and I literally maintained my 4.0 gpa right up until this past semester but now I couldn’t give a shit about clases and my degree#i have zero motivation to do well and pass my classes even tho I’ve set myself up for another 5 years of education#i haven’t seen my best friend since last year when I used to be able to see her everyday or at the very least visit every few months#my brother had to fucking move back to canada and I miss him so fucking much it’s unfair#my younger brother is struggling and I don’t know how to talk to him or help no matter how much I reach out to him#my youngest brother is the only one I can do my best to be there for by babysitting him and trying my best to make sure he’s having fun#and learning but I’m mentally exhausted and I feel like I fail him because of it#my mom lives 15 minutes away but she’s always working or out of town and I feel like I’m intruding if I stay over for more than a few days#and I’m never able to spend time w my sister anymore like we used to#i can barely hold a conversation w my dad or stepmom no matter how hard I try I just feel like I’m too much or they don’t care#i don’t know where I’m going w this#oh yeah also I haven’t practiced anything I’ve wanted to despite my brain itching to do something productive for forever#i took my keyboard out from under my bed for the first time in a year but I can barely get out of bed#i tried looking for my sketchbook and my fucking desk drawer fell apart lmfao so I gave up on that#everything just feels so dull all the time#I’m spending hours and hours on my phone or not sleeping and then sleeping way too much at the wrong times#everyday is the same and not in a good way#this is so long and I feel like I haven’t even begun to cover how numb and lonely I feel lol#anyway I’m gonna go back to watching youtube videos instead of working on lab hw#nyah speaks
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