#damn you life…separating me and my baby girl Elliott!!!

[crab-in-elliotts-shirt-pocket]

T’was a god sketch

[gerrymike]

OK. commentary on my satg playlist. For reasons

lol it wont let me hyperlink but. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0w9pMZtOvP0plqdxT665q7?si=wEFnvdh3Rjaa0p2UX251mQ&dl_branch=1 Plug

1. PIEDMONT (DESTROY BOYS)

Looks like I'm late for the party Everyone knows the attire but me Glass walls separate us Catch a glimpse into different books On different shelves

i.e. teen crisis where u want desperately to live the same life as ppl on the street but also can’t imagine anything worse

2. SWEET ADELINE (ELLIOTT SMITH)

It's a picture-perfect evening and I'm staring down the sun Fully loaded, deaf and dumb and done Waiting for sedation to disconnect my head Or any situation where I'm better off than dead

i.e. she’s alive! is that worse or better. also jfc, you fucking hate hospitals

3. ALAMEDA (ELLIOTT SMITH)

You walk down Alameda  Shuffling your deck of trick cards over everyone Like some precious only son Face down, bow to the champion

also

Walk down Alameda  Brushing off the nightmares you wish Could plague me when I'm awake And now you see your first mistake  Was thinking that you could relate For one or two minutes she liked you But the fix is in

i.e. oops it’s two elliotts in a row, sorry. just. about the connection you can form with someone given just a short period of time, and how sometimes it gets ruined by, like, a werewolf. pretty similar to sweet adeline. mx weisglass gets two songs. plus “precious only son” 😬 “shuffling your deck of trick cards” 😬

4. CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS (IRON MAIDEN)

Give me the sense to wonder To wonder if I'm free Give me a sense of wonder To know I can be me Give me the strength to hold my head up Spit back in their face

i.e. for Me mostly because i think the whiplash from elliott to maiden is kinda funny. also the gerry VS twisty animosity, in over-the-top wizardy terms. sometimes you are full of hate and that’s OK 😬 

5. ICU (PHOEBE BRIDGERS)

If you're a work of art I'm standing too close I can see the brush strokes I hate your mom I hate it when she opens her mouth It's amazing to me How much you can say When you don't know  What you're talking about

and

I'll climb through the window again But right now it feels good not to stand Then I'll leave it wide open Let the dystopian morning light pour in

i.e. we’re back in london…and, well, yeah. also, song title! we’re still in sacramento, actually, spiritually, at this point in the story

6. CRY FOR JUDAS (THE MOUNTAIN GOATS)

Feel the storm every night Hope it passes by Hallucinate a shady grove where Judas went to die Unfurl the black velvet altar cloth Draw a white chalk Baphomet Mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get

i.e. crew. i think about him

7. IRIS (THE GOO GOO DOLLS)

And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later, it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight

plus

And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

i.e. OK. OK. OK. yeah, OK. damn right all you can taste is this moment…yeah OK. SONGS5

8. KILL ALL YOUR FRIENDS (MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE)

It's been 8 bitter years since I've been seeing your face And you're walking away And I will die in this place

to

It's been 10 fucking years since I've been seeing your face round here And you're walking away And I will drown in the fear

i.e. ah…the lyrical differences in the chorus…yes…also i love how raucous this song is despite what it’s about. it’s got satg energy!!! “seeing your face”, of course, is not literal 😬

9. ENCHANTING GHOST (SUFJAN STEVENS)

Don't carry on carrying efforts, oh no, oh oh oh oh Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow And if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost

and

Did you cut your hands on me? Are my edges sharp? Am I a pest to feed?

i.e. 😬😬😬

10. PAUL (BIG THIEF)

In the blossom of the months I was sure that I'd get driven off with thought So I swallowed all of it As I realized there was no one  Who could kiss away my shit

and PARTICULARLY

Well Paul, I know you said That you'd take me any way I came or went But I'll push you from my brain See, you're gentle baby I couldn't stay, I'd only bring you pain

i.e. HARROWING TERRITORY!!!

11. PITSELEH (ELLIOTT SMITH)

I'll tell you why I Don't wanna know where you are I gotta joke I've been dying to tell you

i.e. sorry. a lot of elliott smith on this playlist. thems the breaks

12. OPHELIA (THE LUMINEERS)

Oh, Ophelia You've been on my mind girl like a drug Oh, Ophelia Heaven help a fool who falls in love

i.e. callbacks to SONGS5…! and more pain

13. CLOUDS (BORNS)

I forget all my dreams I forget everyones name I meet I forget about time and space But I can't stop thinking 'bout your face

i.e. tfw your memory’s shit and also you just threw yourself into the sky and you’re still not over it. yowch!

14. ARCADE (DUNCAN LAWRENCE)

Oh, oh-oh-oh oh Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game

i.e. sorry i heard this song first in a c#tradora edit and i have never recovered.

15. WARS (OF MONSTERS AND MEN)

Yeah, I love you on the weekends But I'm careless and I'm wicked Yeah, I love you on the weekends It's a cruel war I still have pieces of you stuck on me Pieces of you stuck on me Yeah, I love you on the weekends It's a cruel war

i.e. PIECES OF YOU STUCK ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is the only song of the new omam i’ve heard. i never got around to listening to it. but this one slaps

16. MONTERO (LIL NAS X)

Lookin' at the table, all I see is weed and white Baby, you livin' the life, but baby, you ain't livin' right Cocaine and drinkin' with your friends You live in the dark, boy, I cannot pretend

AND

A sign of the times every time that I speak A dime and a nine, it was mine every week What a time, an incline, God was shinin' on me Now I can't leave And now I'm actin' hella elite

AND ESPECIALLY

I want that jet lag from fuckin' and flyin'

i.e. God i love this song. re: avatarhood. YOU CAN’T LEAVE!!! not saying it’s like being a celebrity, but it’s like being a celebrity. dual perspectives here with G + his morality regarding the person he loves being, uh, evil? (you live in the dark / i cannot pretend) and M + debt he owes to his god, erosion of his own morals. also, SHEER F*CKING VIBES

17. GEYSER (MITSKI)

You're my number one You're the one I want And you've turned down Every hand that has beckoned me to come

i.e. love songs that serve double as to your god and to your lover

18. THAT’S WHAT I LIKE (BRUNO MARS)

Jump in the Cadillac (Girl, let's put some miles on it) Anything you want (Just to put a smile on it) You deserve it baby, you deserve it all

i.e. this song is here because i say so. a real “sorry it’s been seven years let me make it up to you” vibe

19. RUN AWAY WITH ME (SUFJAN STEVENS)

And I say, love Come run away with me Sweet, falling remedy Come run away with me

i.e. more grand ridiculous propositions. more to come. but they’re born out of a real frustration with the situation at hand! it sucks! also, “falling remedy”,

20. LET’S GET MARRIED (BLEACHERS)

I'm gonna get right for you, honey I'll take all of my medicine, spend you all my money, yeah I know it's hard enough to love me But I woke up in a safe house singing, "Honey, let's get married"

i.e. bro.

21. I WILL (MITSKI)

And while you sleep I'll be scared So by the time you wake I'll be brave

i.e. a lot of these here are self explanatory..

22. ME & MY DOG (BOYGENIUS)

I had a fever Until I met you Now you make me cool

also

I never said I'd be all right Just thought I could hold myself together But I couldn't breathe, I went outside Don't know why I thought it'd be any better I'm fine now, it doesn't matter

i.e. title is significant. and yeah. just. recovery’s tricky

23. I FOUND (AMBER RUN)

And I've moved further than I thought I could But I missed you more than I thought I would

i.e. this is like a staple song for like. basically. any pairing. but i’m pathetic and it gets me every time. there’s something about it. not sure if i’m going to leave it on this playlist but. hm. yeah

OK that’s a wrap. highly likely i’ll put more songs on this as i go

[vcg73]

Witch!Kurt #31: Getting Ready

This one is simply Kurt and Adam getting ready to go out. Next time I will do the bachelor party. I make no promise that will be no more incidentals after this one. They tend to creep up on me unexpectedly! 

~*~*~*~*~

“I know it’s rather late to be asking, given that the event starts in an hour, but are you sure you don’t mind the idea of a shared bachelor party?” Adam asked, joining Kurt in front of the long dressing mirror where he was fixing his hair. 

He met Adam’s reflected eyes. “Not at all. Since we have mostly the same friends, and they would have either had to throw two parties or split us up between them if we did it the regular way, this seems more sensible to me. Besides, I’ve always hated the idea that a man is supposed to be so reluctant to get married that he requires a night of wild debauchery to face up to it. Anyone who feels that way shouldn’t be getting married at all, and you can take that from someone who felt like he was having increasingly heavier weights piled on his shoulders every day closer to Labor Day.”

“Labor Day?” 

“The day Blaine picked for us to get married.”  

Adam made a sour face. “Chosen with no input from you, I suppose. Appropriate, though, considering he was anticipating being able to mooch off your heard-earned physical and emotional labor for the rest of his sodding life.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way before,” Kurt said, shaking his head ruefully. He still felt disgusted and rather ashamed when something reminded him of just how much of his autonomy he had given up to be with Blaine. Even without the dirty magic affecting his will, he had spent too long allowing Blaine to make all the relationship decisions while he stayed in the shadows just to keep the fighting to a minimum. “Actually, I think he just picked it because it was the last day of summer break before school would begin again. This was before he bombed out of NYADA.”

Adam’s only response was a grunt that somehow expressed his opinion of Blaine and his “talent” better than any words could have.

“I’d much rather just bid a fond and mutual farewell to our screwed up pasts and drink a toast to a happy future together tonight,” Kurt continued. Then his smile faltered a little. “Oh, unless . . . Were you trying to tell me that you did want a separate party? Because I’m sure we could still call the Apples and . . .”

“No,” Adam cut in quickly, stopping him from reaching for his phone as he realized that Kurt was about to jump into one of his characteristically self-sacrificing gestures. “No wild oats or fear of a metaphorical ball and chain here, love. I feel the same way about making this a shared positive memory, and you must know that I’d marry you this instant. Though I couldn’t swear to my own safety once the coven got hold of me if we were to skip their gathering and elope.”

Kurt had relaxed again at the reassurance. “Me too. I don’t entirely know what to expect from next week’s ceremony, but I’m pretty sure Brittany would cry if she missed out on attending, and then Santana would be out for my blood, and Dani and Elliott would probably disown me, especially if I took that away from them and also made them miss out on throwing a double bachelor party.” 

“Ditto Clark and Tonya,” Adam agreed, remembering how excited his old chums had been when Dani and Elliott had asked if they wanted to help plan the event. He was delighted that the two groups were getting along so well. “The only reason I asked is that I had thought you might wish for a more private soiree to bid farewell to boyhood and single life. A night out with just the girls perhaps, since you’ve always been their particular pet, or hunting up some of your New Directions folk for an old-time chorus party.” 

“No. I’ll admit, there was a time when I couldn’t have imagined anything else, but I’m a lot more comfortable in mixed company now than I was in high school. And I’ve got Santana, Brittany, and Johnny from the old gang. Plus Artie Abrams is supposed to be there tonight and he’s bringing another McKinley friend who just moved to the city as his guest. I don’t think you’ve ever met Unique, but I’m sure you’ll love her.”  Kurt laughed. “Besides, it won’t take much to coax a song out of anyone. I’ll get my chorus party no matter what.”

Adam smiled, knowing that would indeed be the case. The two of them seemed to attract song-birds wherever they went. “So in short, a party with food and drink, songs and laughs, a mixture of old and new friends, with the one you love most by your side sounds as good to you as it does to me?”

“Practically paradise,” he sighed, tipping his head sideways for a moment to rest against Adam’s handy shoulder. 

Adam stared fondly at their reflection for a moment, then his attention was distracted by the sight of his necktie, rumpled and hanging at an odd left-leaning angle over the breast pocket of his new dress shirt. He made a disgusted noise and tugged at the knot, trying to get it even again. “How can this bloody thing have got cocked up in just ten minutes? I swear it’s having its own way every time I take my eyes off it. You haven’t gone and given Johnny permission to joke-spell my wardrobe have you?”

Giving his sky-high coif a satisfied pat, Kurt set his bottle of sculpting conditioner aside and turned to help. His eyes danced. “I would never do that. It does sound like Johnny’s sense of humor, but I think you’re safe. He and Monica have each sent about 20 texts today related to magical body and soul infusion, so I think they’re safely obsessed elsewhere.”  

As he spoke, Kurt pulled the abused tie free of Adam’s fretful fingers and gently stroked a few wrinkles out of the dark cherry-patterned silk before tucking it back around Adam’s collar, which he also deftly straightened before tying the cloth back into a swift, runway-perfect Windsor knot and smoothing it over Adam’s chest with a fond pat. “There you go. Stop taking out your nerves on this and it will be fine.”

“Thank you,” Adam said, shaking his head over the easy efficiency. A minute in Kurt’s capable hands and the tie looked better than it ever did after suffering his own haphazard fumbling. His dad had taught him how to do up a proper knot when he was ten and facing his first school uniform, but Adam never had or would share Kurt’s natural affinity for clothing. Vowing to keep his hands off the masterpiece lest he ruin it again, Adam put his hands into the pockets of his black straight-leg jeans and allowed himself a little pivot to and fro, admiring the overall effect. “Not half bad if I say it myself.”

Kurt’s eyes swept his form from the neatly gelled peaks of his golden-blond hair to the tips of his new chocolate brown suede Oxford shoes. “You look healthy and handsome, and I love this outfit on you, although you look so good in it that I’m tempted to skip the party and peel you out of it again.”

Preening under his beloved’s approving gaze, Adam said, “Why thank you, sir. I must say that I regret our timetable as well. The spot of necking when we arrived home was very nice indeed, but this navy silk with the black laces down the front makes me want to unwrap you like a present, and damn the consequences.”

“What, this old thing?” Kurt teased, smoothing the shirt and tucking it more securely into his hip-hugging leather pants. The skin tight black material had thin navy laces down the side of each leg to provide a coordinated contrast with the shirt. He had created the outfit himself, winning his very first photo op in Vogue dot com’s ‘one to watch’ section that Isabelle used to showcase up and coming designers. With a sly glance toward Adam, Kurt loosened the shirt laces slightly, adjusting them to reveal small diamonds of pale flesh from chest to navel.

Adam groaned. “Not fair. Those trousers are already doing evil things to me on their own.” Running a fingertip over one of the matching exposures at Kurt’s hip, he said, “The lack of underwear is a bold choice.”

“Well, I have to make one concession to wild singledom, right?” Kurt said playfully, raising both arms and bumping his hip against Adam’s. Then he laughed. “Actually, though, I’m not as risque as you think.”

Adam considered this, tilting his head to take a closer look at Kurt’s bum. “Thong?”

He nodded. “I don’t like them, but I have to bite the bullet with this outfit. A couple of high school experiences taught me that leather plus commando turns me into a gross sweaty mess.”

“Baby powder is helpful, I’m told.”

“It is. Trust me, there are some places you just do not want to risk being chafed, but I still hate it. I wish I was one of those people who could just glisten attractively, or stay completely cool under stress, but I sadly inherited my father’s hard-working pores.”

Adam playfully sniffed at his neck, then kissed it. "I rather like you wrapped up in a layer of manly musk.”

A burst of laughter responded. “Oh, well. Then I’m sure you’ll be absolutely swooning by the time I’ve been pulled onto the stage or dance floor half a dozen times. And so will I, because I overheard some of the gang laying out plans for us, so don’t think you’re getting out of providing some of this evening’s entertainment.”

Kurt’s hands went up, stopping Adam’s hand from rising to fidget with his abused tie again at the reminder of the crowd he would be facing tonight. “Sorry,” Adam said, cheeks flushing. “S’pose I’m a bit nervous about this still.”

Lacing Adam’s fingers between his own, Kurt lifted them to rest over his heart. “I was only teasing. You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable and nobody will think badly of you if you don’t. And if anyone gets too drunk and persistent, send them to Tubbington. He’s promised to be a sort of chaperone tonight and keep everyone in line so all of us ‘kids’ can have fun.”

Startled, Adam laughed. “Somehow, L.T. is not the first one who springs to mind when I think of responsible chaperones.”

“Me either, but after Brittany squashed all of his wilder suggestions, I guess he decided he might as well just be the grown-up instead. He doesn’t show off what he can do very often, but I trust his ability to handle things if anybody gets out of line. Have you ever noticed that even Santana is respectful to him?”

“I have. When she gets sharp and snarly with everyone, Tubbington finds an excuse to take her off on an errand. We haven’t had a single explosion of outright cruelty since he formally adopted her as his second Familiar charge.”

Kurt nodded. “Exactly, so trust him and trust me. I’ll be there the whole time. I really want you to come out and receive your share of the love I know all of our friends are putting into this party.”

Adam relaxed, allowing Kurt’s happy anticipation to reignite his own and push the fear back down. “Thank you, darling. I’ll do my best. And maybe I will give the stage a go. Though it’s been a long while since I sang a song for any audience but you and the family, so hopefully the others won’t be expecting too much.”

“The plan is for both of us to get completely shit-faced, dance like we’re receiving electroshock, and dominate the karaoke stage like Rachel Berry searching for the perfect duet partner,” Kurt said with such a solemn face that Adam almost believed he was serious. Then he laughed and Adam relaxed again. “Kidding. Drink, sing, and dance if you feel like it, or stay in your seat and just nurse a soda if you prefer. Though I may insist on one duet together if you’re feeling confident.”

"That sounds very nice, love. Either way, I don’t want you to feel that you can’t get up and have fun without me. This is your celebration as much as mine, and I want you to enjoy it.  Though on that note, I do promise I’ll keep you from doing anything that you’ll be ashamed to report to Burt next time you speak.”

Kurt covered his mouth, but a snort escaped anyway at the reminder that his father would almost certainly ask him all about the party the next time they spoke. “Thanks, I may need the help. Keep the others from getting any audio/video evidence to use as blackmail and I promise I’ll keep anyone from hounding you to perform.”

“Deal,” he said. He kissed Kurt, stroking the back of his head with gentle fingertips. Kurt had been too busy to visit his stylist over the last couple of weeks and Adam loved playing with those little curls when he had the chance.

Kurt returned the kiss eagerly, willing his love to give Adam strength for the evening ahead. “Should we call someone to come Teleport us?” he asked after a moment, putting a hand on Adam’s chest and backing up a step, reminding them both that they needed to get moving if they did not want to be late for their own party.

Adam considered it. “Would you object to taking a walk up to the Garden Street circle? It’s nippy tonight, but if we bundle up it shouldn’t be bad. I’d like a chance to center myself before we face the mob.”

“That sounds good. I could use a little exercise before gorging myself on snacks and booze,” Kurt agreed, happy and a little surprised at the suggestion. Adam found walking out in the world to be more of a challenge at night, when the atmosphere was dark and close. He had been spending a few minutes out on ‘that bloody fire-escape’ every morning, until the wide-open platform began losing its dread, and Elliott had made a copy of his friend’s new work schedule so the coven could take turns acting as escort whenever Adam walked to and from Bui’s Tea. 

Adam had not bought the ‘I just happened to be going that way’ excuse for long, but he was grateful for the distraction of friendly company on his bad days, and even more for his new friends’ willingness to let him go it alone on the days when he felt that he could handle it. The good days were slowly coming to outnumber the bad, but Adam still rarely ventured out after dark. The route he was suggesting tonight was well lit, which would help, and there were always hopeful cabbies milling around that particular area, so it wouldn’t take long to catch a ride to Callbacks.

Both young men bundled themselves up in coats, gloves, and scarves. Adam tugged his favorite blue woolen beanie over his blond hair and cocked his head when he saw that Kurt was doing without. “No hat? Darling, it can’t be more than one degree C out there tonight.” He picked up another of his collection, a cheery red and cream creation that he had knit during some of his long hours of convalesce, and offered it to Kurt.   

“I’m fine,” he said, stepping back as though he feared the woolen hat would somehow force itself upon his head if he got too close. “It’s sweet of you to offer, but I didn’t spend an hour getting my hair perfect just to mash it down flat again with that. I just hope I used enough hair spray to counteract the wind.”

“I’m sure you have, but I don’t want you to catch cold and I think you’re forgetting a little skill I’ve got,” Adam said, pulling off his beanie and twitching his fingertips to make his own wavy locks curl, straighten, spike, and then go back to normal again. “I can fix it up in a wink if you get mussed. And if you don’t care for this hat, you could wear one of your more ‘fabulous’ examples.”

Kurt had perked up at the idea of a ready magical solution to any hair related catastrophes that might befall him, but at Adam’s second suggestion he gasped, “Oh!”, clasped his hands and hopped in sudden excitement, and dashed into the bedroom where Adam immediately heard the sounds of rummaging. When Kurt left Lima for New York, he had left behind much of his accessory collection out of fear that it would be either be out of style, or that he would not have enough room for them if he ended up living in a broom closet somewhere. He had asked Carole to pack and send them after Christmas.

When he reemerged, it was not so much walking as strutting. Kurt’s left fist rested on his exposed hip as he held his long black wool coat back on one side and vamped slowly into the room. On his head was perched a tall black top hat, around which he had wrapped a blue silk scarf to form a trailing hat band that created the perfect accent for his runway ready ensemble. Doing a spin on one booted foot to make the streamers dance, he then bowed and doffed his new addition at Adam. 

Adam made impressed noises as he walked a slow circle around Kurt. “Here I thought you were marrying me for my stunning good looks, but I see now that I needed a fallback position, for I have become entirely eclipsed by my stunning fiance.”

With a grin and a kiss to his cheek, Kurt said, “You’d better stop that or we really will be late to the party.” He began fastening up his coat and pulling his gloves back on. “Are you ready for this?”

"As I’ll ever be. Let’s go. We’ll take the long way ‘round, and you can help me come up with a perfect song for our couples duet.”

Recognizing both a show of faith in Kurt’s ability to keep him safe along the way, and a promise to try his best to overcome his fears and have just fun tonight, Kurt squeezed Adam’s hand. “Sounds great. But you know I’m staking a preemptive claim to the powerhouse divas, right?”

“Not a problem as long as you’re singing with me,” Adam laughed, letting go of Kurt’s hand just long enough to lock the door behind them. “But if you go up with Elliott, he may fight you for them.”

“Only Diana Ross,” Kurt quipped, putting up the additional ward against magical intruders with a quick toss of his head. 

Hand in hand, the young couple headed toward the building stairwell and started walking down, the bright sounds of laughter and playful arguments over song suggestions echoing cheerfully behind them. 

The End

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: 5.5.2007 & 5.6.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and this week ten years ago

5.5.2007

41) "Big Girls Don't Cry," Fergie

This is the second Fergie song I actually enjoyed once I was able to separate it from the whole thing that Fergie was, which means we're one away from this being a trend and the funding of a Song-From-Artist Extraction Chamber becoming necessary. If this song had been given to Pink, it might be a classic. If it had been given to noted YAS hero Jordan Pruitt, I could say it was a buried treasure, but because we gave it to Fergie, I have to defend the fact I sort of dug this song. I don't use the term "guilty pleasure" because why on earth should I feel guilty for finding pleasure, but it IS weird to sit here on a Sunday morning and enjoy a Fergie song and have to formulate a defense for it. I dunno, "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket" is a kind of touching lyric. If we'd given it to someone who could actually say words (all these years I thought she was saying "a child miss a step blanket"), we'd be more fond of it.

63) "A Different World," Bucky Covnington

THINGS THAT ARE GOOD, AS TOLD BY BUCKY COVINGTON'S 2007 SMASH HIT "A DIFFERENT WORLD:" ~Expecting mothers smoking and drinking ~Babies sleeping in cribs painted with lead-based paint ~Child abuse ~Being an adult person named Bucky ~Kids not making the football team, their carefree days ending at the realization that life is a long parade of disappointments (a parade which includes parades) ~Drinking from garden hoses, and I agree that it would be nice if clean water were readily available, but this seems less like something that millennials made happen with video games and more a problem with various local governments? Specifically Flint’s? Flint still doesn’t have clean water, and I understand there’s no way this ten-year-old song could possibly know this, but this line is making me angry today! ~Schools being closed on Sunday (which... they... still... are?) Bucky Covington sings this song about how "we," which I would imagine includes Bucky Covington, grew up without video games. Bucky Covington was born in 1977. Pong dropped in 1972. This entire song is garbage. Speaking of garbage: you remember when we didn’t have to sort recyclables from the trash? It was a simpler time. A BETTER time, daresay. We didn't die, so, it wasn't bad.

80) "Party Like a Rockstar," Shop Boyz

This song is the real America. Big, dumb, loud, and proud of all its excess. One example cited of partying like a rock star is golfing with Ozzy Osbourne and his family. This is the only recorded instance of anyone thinking golf was a party.

88) "Lucky Man," Montgomery Gentry

/looks at this country dude song /looks at the country dude song two songs ago /looks at the five country dude songs still to come /looks at "Lucky Man," the j-pop song by arashi The Arashi boys are back in town! Sho once again stakes his claim as 2007's greatest living MC, and the funky track imbues the song with a boundless energy only the Arashi boys bring to the table! Another A+! Have they ever done wrong?

90) "When You're Gone," Avril Lavigne

My favorite part of this song was the 15 seconds of "Freedom," by Beyonce ft./Kendrick Lamar, that played in the Apple ad before the actual song started. This is a song that's bad no matter who you give it to. It's just schlock, and then they went ahead and made everything so... Extra? This song is extra. Avril is belting the absolute best that she can and goodness she is trying her heart out, yet she's still somehow drowned out by the strings. There is nothing subtle about this song. I don't know what the notes process is like for records, but someone in the studio should've given this song a note that said "calm the hell down."

93) "Don't Make Me," Blake Shelton

Blake Shelton has been a country music institution for something like 15 years, he's probably its most visible artist in the mainstream world, and I cannot for the life of me tell you what the most iconic Blake Shelton song is. He has 23 #1 country hits. Is there any one you can point to and say, "That is the best Blake Shelton song?" Is the best Blake Shelton song something country music fans argue like we might over Mariah Carey's catalogue? Is it even worth arguing? I dunno. Blake Shelton is sort of the Drake of country music. He just does the same shit over and over again, but people really dig the same thing over and over again, so they keep listening, but there's no one moment we can point to and say, "Only Blake Shelton could have made that happen." I don't feel like it's expecting too much to expect iconic pop artists to make iconic songs. "Some Beach" kinda goes, I guess. That's not enough! Fuck's sake, even Luke Bryan has "All My Friends Say."

94) "A Feelin' Like That," Gary Allan

This dude says his girlfriend's more beautiful than the Great Barrier Reef, and I am so thrilled that there is something in one of these country dude songs I could enjoy. That's how it's DONE, man. Hyperbole is your friend when you're making a song about some non-specific feeling a woman gives you. Is this the song Flight of the Conchords is parodying when they sing "If You're Into It?" Absolutely, but goddamnit, if someone told me I gave them a more intense emotional rush than one of the great natural wonders of this earth, I'd fuck 'em.

95) "Wrapped," George Strait

yeah i guess i liked this. you give me the lyrics to this song and four other country songs with the word "wrapped" in it, i'm not sure i could pick it out, but, y'know, it killed a few minutes in a manner that wasn't unpleasant. i wouldn't say "yecch" if someone performed this at a karaoke. i might say "interesting choice," i might not believe this is the song their heart has felt the most, but i wouldn't say no.

97) "Johnny Cash," Jason Aldean

The thing about this song is the same thing I had with that "Marvin Gaye" trash from a couple years back: if you're going to name your song after an iconic artist, you have to give me reason to believe that there is more value to be gained from your tribute than there is from just listening to one of that artist's songs. In a sense, the song you offer me with that title has to be on par with the best entries in their catalogue. I don't know why I would listen to a song about a young couple listening to Johnny Cash when there are hundreds of actual Johnny Cash recordings out there that all punch this song in its stupid face. I don't think this is an unreasonable expectation. If you're naming your song after a legend, your song should be legendary. This is the fifth-best country dude song I've heard in the last hour, and all told, it's probably gonna end up #6. That makes it bullshit.

98) "Me and God," Josh Turner

I'm not really qualified to address Christian music. It's easy to call out when something is pandering, like that Florida Georgia Line mess 2017 dredged up a few weeks back, but a song like this, where a young man is earnestly singing about his relationship with God, that's so far away from my alley, I'm not 100% sure we're even in the same tri-county area. I recognize that this song isn't made for people like me, and it'd be unfair to make fun because it's, y'know, not trying to sell itself to me, it's just trying to say, "God's my buddy!" Do you. Doesn't sound like you're using it to hurt anyone, so do you, Josh.

99) "Dig," Incubus

Given how horribly Papa Roach's whole thing has aged compared to Incubus' whole thing -- i THINK we all still like "Drive," and "Anna Molly" goes hard as hell -- I really wish I liked that one Papa Roach song less than this Incubus song, but man, this Incubus song and I never really met. ...Yeah, you’re right, you didn’t come here to read me seriously contemplating my buttrock feelings, I’ll stop there. Video’s cool. I like the heart-lip girl digging the dude out of his head, that was dope. You sure you don’t wanna read my buttrock power rankings? You sure you don’t wanna take inventory of my buttrock feelings? I have a lot of opinions on this genre! I think you’re really missin’ out! Ah, we’ll catch up on ‘em later, lotta 2007 still to come, I’ll hit you up with that buttrock good-good when it’s time to talk about Finger Eleven.

Well. 2007 Top 20. It’s the same as last week’s. 20) "Que Hiciste," by Jennifer Lopez (4.28.2007) 19) "When I See U," by Fantasia (4.21.2007) 18) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 17) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 16) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 15) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.14.2007) 14) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 13) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 12) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 11) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 10) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 9) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Alright, 2017. 2007 gave me seven country dude songs, and you will have at least one cut off DAMN. If anyone can fuck this up, it’s you. I’m excited.

5.6.2017

4) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar 14) "LOYALTY." by Kendrick Lamar ft./Rihanna 16) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar 18) "LOVE." by Kendrick Lamar ft./Zacari 32) "YAH." by Kendrick Lamar 33) "XXX." by Kendrick Lamar ft./U2 35) "FEEL." by Kendrick Lamar 37) "PRIDE." by Kendrick Lamar 42) "LUST." by Kendrick Lamar 50) "FEAR." by Kendrick Lamar 54) "BLOOD." by Kendrick Lamar 58) "GOD." by Kendrick Lamar 63) "DUCKWORTH." by Kendrick Lamar

DAMN. is a classic record that has grown on me in the week and a half I have spent with it, which is amazing given that my relatively lukewarm first impression was that it was a classic, and I have no qualms with any of these songs making the list. I do have some reservations about songs that are never going to make it to radio (whatever that means in 2017) making my personal Top 20, but at the same time, I can say I've only liked three songs in the field more than I liked "ELEMENT." Even "HUMBLE." has grown on me, now that I've heard it in the context of the album (and that beat, I mean hell). These are all Very Good Songs and like I'm not gonna put all of them in the Top 20? but hmm I wonder which I like more, every song off DAMN. or any Lady Antebellum song. Tough choice.

39) "The Cure," by Lady Gaga

I pretty much dig this song for what it is, a nice kinda-EDM-y kinda-'80s-y synth jam, but I'm disappointed that this sounds like A Good Song and not A Gaga Song. It's fine! I accept this, it's a treat and I enjoyed all three minutes, but if I had first heard this song being covered on The Voice or something, there's no way in hell I would've pegged this as a Gaga song. Like, this is the safest song I've ever heard bearing her name. It's a nice song, though. Aside from the complaints just registered, I will register no complaints.

76) "Good Life," by G-Eazy & Kehlani

"I bought the crib and it's in escrow now." Is this like an elaborate I'm Still Here satire/prank of the concept of a white rapper? He talked about closing escrow on a home. Who the fuck. This song is what happens when Drake and Rihanna cancel and you have to grab two people off the street to impersonate them and hope they're good enough mimics that no one can tell the difference.

78) "Peek a Boo," by Lil Yachty ft./Migos

YOU KNOW HOW YOU MAKE THIS SONG INSTANTLY A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES BETTER WITHOUT LOSING ANYTHING? "Give her the shocker like Pikachu." YOU WERE SO FUCKING CLOSE. "Give her the shocker like Pikachu." LIKE THREE DRAFTS AWAY IF YOU GAVE THIS SONG FIVE MINUTES TO BREATHE BEFORE SCHLEPPIN' IT TO THE BOOTH, YOU COULD HAVE HAD "GIVE HER THE SHOCKER LIKE PIKACHU." I think this song is fine? I dunno, I like the noise Yachty is making behind this song, it's a quality noise. Not bad! Not, y'know, good, and it's actually a failure when you realize how close it was to being amazing GIVE HER THE SHOCKER LIKE PIKACHU. YOU RHYME PEEKABOO WITH PIKACHU AT THE END OF THE SONG. WE WERE SO CLOSE TO ACHIEVING THE PERFECT SONG. Y'all fucked up. I can't believe you kids failed me like this!, but other than the fact it’s a profound disappointment it’s a’ight.

87) "Black Spiderman," by Logic ft./Damian Lemar Hudson

OK. OK, I think, after two songs, I understand what Logic is: he's the most accessible rapper for someone who just listened to Hamilton for the first time and wants to start checking out real hip-hop. Because if you go straight from Hamilton to Danny Brown, man, you're gonna get the bends, y'all ain't ready for "Ain't It Funny" at all, that is a rough 180 to try to navigate, you gotta hit this dude up first. It's a positive song with little to no misogynistic language, but still hard enough that it might put off some people who were initially into the nice man who did raps about the $10 man. If you can listen to this and still want to go deeper, then you listen to Chance, then Tribe or The Roots, and then you're ready for Kendrick. It's rap for people who don't listen to rap, is what I'm trying to say. It's its own fun little thing, but this song is what it sounds like when your biggest worry in life is about a dog you saw on the internet which was in a stressful situation. Hope the dog can make it! It looks so worried, poor puppers!

93) "Broken Halos," by Chris Stapleton

It's country Kendrick! And it's country "HUMBLE." in that I'm not immediately sure how much I dig it, but I know I dig it way more than I dug all the shit I had to listen to Sunday morning for this stupid post. Chris Stapleton got big making traditional country music, and I think it might be because he got big doing this that now this feels like paint-by-numbers Stapleton. Sad gravel man growling over an acoustic guitar some lazy religious metaphor, I dunno, it kicks most other country songs' ass, but I would honestly argue "Craving You" is a riskier move than this song. I think I might revisit this and Gaga's songs in a few weeks and realize I liked them way more than I initially did and I was just being a Tuesday evening grumplord for no reason, but this is the opinion of record, is that this song is just standard-issue Chris Stapleton but Chris Stapleton being a thing whcih comes standard-issue is more good than bad.

99) "The Night We Met," by Lord Huron

It's the last song of the week, and it's a haunting indie song from the Netflix teen mystery drama. Looks like I'm clockin' out early, boys and girls! Sorry! Ain't got nothin' for ya here! This song's pretty dope! GOODBYEEEEEEEEEEEE!

The Top 20, where we dumped “The Heart Part 4″ a little bit because I felt it was appropriate: 20) "The Cure," by Lady Gaga (5.6) 19) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 18) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 17) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 16) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 15) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 14) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 13) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 12) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 11) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 8) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 7) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 6) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) Hey, “Despacito” made the top ten in Kendrick week! That’s an insane accomplishment! I see it carries an “+ Justin Bieber” credit, now! There is no reconsideration of “Despacito” forthcoming. I choose to only acknowledge “Despacito” in its original form.

Who won?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm a kendrick album or a bunch of dudes in cowboy hats. 2017, y’all brought a gun to a knife fight. where the hell was this last week. 2007: 3 2017: 3 So next week, we get new Paramore (probably) stacked up against Josh Groban with a children’s choir. I’m liking 2017′s odds at a repeat. Come on, friend! 2007′s taking a few weeks off, it looks like, NOW’S YOUR CHANCE!