#darrius hudson jr (mentioned)

[psychic-winged-turtle]

Jude Totally Doesn't Have a Crush, Part 4

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

Snowin’ and blowing’ up bushels of fun

Now the jingle hop has begun~

“Ugh. Not the Jingle Bell Rock again.” David groans, reaching out to turn down the radio.

“Don’t turn it down!” Jude exclaims. “Do you seriously not like Jingle Bell Rock?”

David sighs, but pulls his hand away from the volume control. “It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I’ve been hearing it ten times a day since November first and I’m getting tired of it.”

“Well, sorry that the Christmas season doesn’t speak to your soul the way it should.” Jude jokes with a smirk before continuing to speak with a dramatic tone. “Your cold, dead grinch heart might yet be warmed by the magic of Christmas, for we are going to the most magical place on earth, off-brand winter wonderland!”

Leo snorts and glances in the rearview mirror to see Jude. “I’m not sure it will be enough. David has a particular brand of non-magical vibes.”

“Is that so? Did you get coal one too many times, David?” Jude asks teasingly.

David has shrunk into his seat with a scowl and crossed arms. “You two are unbearable.”

“And you are killing the vibe.” Leo replies to him. “C’mon David. Cheer up and enjoy the fact that we’re about to fill up on sugar, cider, and Christmas Spirit.”

David rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Let me be a killjoy for a few more minutes.”

“Yeah, Leo. You gotta let him get the goth vibes out before he can truly enjoy the mood.” Jude once again jokes from the backseat.

David rolls his eyes one more time, but then he straightens up in the seat and turns around to look at Jude. “Have you been to Night of Lights before?”

“No. This is the first year I’ve been living in this area.” Jude says. “Though other places also have various Christmas events, so I’ve likely been to similar ones.”

“Yeah. I went to one once that had a hayride through the woods. They had a bunch of lights set up and you got to just sit and sip hot chocolate and stuff.” David says.

“Is that it?” Leo says, directing their attention back to the front of the car. In the distance they can see colorful lights.

“It must be. I can’t think of any other reason the middle of nowhere would be glowing.” David says sarcastically.

“If you keep being sassy, I’m going to gag you.” Leo jokes.

“Kinky.” Jude adds on.

David’s face goes red. “You two are unbearable.”

“You’ve already said that tonight, come up with a new phrase.” Leo says as he turns onto a smaller road that is decorated with lights along both sides.

They all become quiet as they look out the windows. Leo slows down so that they can enjoy the different decorations on the way to the parking lot. There are lights arching across the road so that they seem to be driving through a glowing tunnel. Small figures of elves are set up to look like they are peeking around the trunks of trees. Jude even thinks he sees a figure of Santa hidden up in the branches of a tree that is a little further off the trail.

When they park the car and get out David immediately sighs.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air~

“I swear this song is haunting me.” He says.

Leo laughs. “Yes, I’m sure the radio men are out to get you in particular.”

“Well, that’s what it feels like.” David drags his feet for a moment before catching up to Jude and Leo. They head towards a cluster of buildings. Jude can smell hot chocolate and apple cider as they get closer.

Although they are living a little too far south for a white Christmas, Jude appreciates the crunch of dead grass under their feet and the nippy wind that puts a very attractive blush on David’s cheeks. Jude has to pause for a moment at that thought and ever so slightly shake his head, as though he could remove it from his mind like an etch-a-sketch. He has gotten to the point of realizing that he really does like David and Leo, and that it is not going away, so he’s employing a new strategy in order to not constantly feel like he’s pining after them. This new strategy includes no longer allowing himself to entertain these kinds of thoughts. If he only thinks friendly things about them, surely his feelings will turn friendly as well.

The three of them approach the stall that is selling food and drinks. Jude gets hot chocolate, Leo gets an apple cider, and David gets some peppermint-coffee-sugar monstrosity—mainly to spite Leo who warned against drinking coffee this late in the evening.

“I’m just saying that if you’re tossing and turning in bed I will banish you to the couch. Your bad decision will not affect my sleep.” Leo says as they make their way to a forest trail that has been decorated with Christmas lights.

The Night of Lights is a community project that decorates hiking trails with lights, streamers, and other decorations to try and create a magical Christmas experience in the week leading up to the 25th. Jude didn’t know that it existed, but apparently Leo used to go when he was a kid. Although he didn’t say it explicitly, Jude got the feeling that the last time that he went was before his brother died. It makes Jude wonder why he’d want to go back now.

“Jude!” David says, at a volume that makes Jude think he may have been saying his name for a while.

“What?” Jude looks over at him and he sighs.

“I was going to ask what your favorite Christmas movie is, but now I’m more curious about what’s got you off in dreamland.”

“I’m not in dreamland.” Jude says, looking back towards the lights overhead. “I’m just enjoying the lights.”

“And what are you thinking about?” David asks.

Jude doesn’t know why that question suddenly rubs him the wrong way. It’s an innocent question and David has definitely asked it before, but today it just sets something off in Jude.

“Nothing.” Jude answers in an almost instinctual way. The way he always did when adults would ask him what he was thinking as a child. A moment after Jude says it he questions why he did. David is not one of his many caregivers. He’s his friend and he has absolutely never given Jude a reason to think that he would judge him for his thoughts. In fact, David is an extraordinarily open person in most situations.

“Oh. Okay.” David says. There’s something in his tone that Jude doesn’t like. He hopes he didn’t upset David or something. He wishes he could explain that he didn’t mean to answer that way, that for some reason his messed-up brain decided that David was a threat for a moment. It seems like that would take too much explaining, though, and Jude just wants to move on from this moment.

“So… you were talking about Christmas movies?” Jude asks, prompting David to dive back into a conversation about the pros and cons of various Christmas movies. Leo regularly disagrees with him, more for entertainment purposes than anything. Jude has a feeling that Leo could care less about most of these movies, it’s just funny to watch David get heated about a claymation where Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is bullied for half the movie and an elf decides that he wants to be a dentist.

Throughout their hike through the lights conversation flows and pauses naturally. That moment of discomfort that Jude experienced near the beginning doesn’t return and he’s able to focus on the moments that are happening right now. When they reach the end of the trail they find themselves back where they started. They decide to get another drink—this time Jude gets cider, Leo gets hot chocolate, and David still gets the coffee (to spite Leo)—and then find a place to sit a little ways away from the crowd.

Jude has been watching a snowball-fight made of lights for a few moments, trying to figure out if the “thrown” light snowballs are random or on a timer, when he hears a small sniffle. He turns to look at Leo and David, only to find that Leo is quietly crying.

David reaches out to take his hand, comfortingly brushing his fingers over Leo’s knuckles. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s… There’s nothing wrong. I’m just-” Leo pauses to take a calming breath, it shutters slightly on the way out “-I’m just a little upset that I’m enjoying myself.”

“Why would you be upset about that?” Jude asks. He doesn’t mean for it to sound harsh or judgemental, but after the words leave his mouth he realizes that they might be read that way. It’s just that… What Leo said doesn’t make any sense.

“It. It’s a little silly.” Leo pauses again and wipes his face. Even though he appears calm, small trails of tears keep appearing. “It’s just that-” another pause “-the last time I came where was with Leonard. Every time that I’ve come here, it was with Leonard. To be here without him… it makes me feel…”

Leo cuts himself off completely and David squeezes his hand. “It’s alright, Leo. Take your time.”

“After he died I spent a very long time being miserable.” Leo starts talking again, trying to convey his meaning from a different angle. “It reached a point where it wasn’t even out of grief. Or, it was, it just wasn’t because I was processing it. Anything that I related to Leonard became… agony. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, much less visit any place I had associated with him.”

“It took me years to realize that what I was doing… the avoidance, the…” Leo swallows, skipping past whatever he was going to say. “It just took me a long time to realize that what I was doing wasn’t doing anything. It wasn’t going to bring Leonard back. It wasn’t going to… I don’t know, make his absence hurt any less. It definitely wasn’t helping me move on. So I realized I had to stop. I couldn’t live the way I was living.”

Once again, Leo pauses for a long moment. He takes a few deep breaths and once again wipes his face. “So I-” His voice cracks and he takes a moment to swallow “-so I started visiting the places we used to go. A lot of  the time I took Darrius with me, and I slowly got back to a place that I could call ‘fairly normal’. But-” a breath “-I hadn’t ever managed to come back here. Of all the places that we went together, this wasn’t even a particularly special spot. Even so, just thinking about coming here just made me feel… bad. But I don’t think it should. I don’t want to feel bad about these things anymore. I know Leonard wouldn’t want me to.”

Leo looks between Jude and David, the first time he’s managed to look them in the eyes during this conversation. “So, I decided that I wanted to try to come here this year. I was going to go with Darrius, but then I thought about how much I wanted to spend time with the two of you and I thought that if anyone could make this night bearable it would be y’all.”

“I’m glad we could be here for you.” David says immediately. Jude feels like he should say something too, but his voice seems to have left him.

“So, yeah, that’s why I feel… a bit upset.” Leo says a bit awkwardly. “Thanks for… being here and listening to my monologue.”

“I mean… I'm pretty sure I could listen to you monologue about anything, so don’t worry about it.” Goddammit, Jude! That was totally inappropriate. Why the hell is he so shit at dealing with feelings?

Luckily, Leo just chuckles at that. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t mind it. And I hope I didn’t ruin the mood.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” David says. “If anything this just gives us more time together because now we obviously need to get you one of those chocolate-marshmallow snowmen that I saw being sold.”

Leo laughs again at that, a little more genuinely. “Be careful, I might think that you’re using my little breakdown to get treats.”

“What? No! I would never. The chocolate-marshmallow man is entirely for you.” David says in a mock-offended tone before switching to a sly smirk. “The white-chocolate snowflake will be my treat for your breakdown.”

Leo rolls his eyes. “Wow. Such a good boyfriend I have, taking advantage of me for an excuse to have sugar.”

“Hey! You would do the same for me.” David jokes.

The three of them end up each getting a treat ‘for Leo’s breakdown’ and then finishing the night by sitting in the back of Leo’s van and listening to the Christmas music being blasted across the parking lot.

What a bright time, it’s the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh

“OH MY GOD!” David exclaims when he realizes which song is playing. “Why are they playing it AGAIN?!”

Leo and Jude just laugh at him. The three of them have ended up pressed together in the bed of Leo’s van in order to use the one blanket that he brought to stay warm. Jude can’t help the thought that this feels a lot like toeing the line of cuddling with them, but he argues that if he didn’t he would just be cold and the two of them clearly don’t mind. The logical part of his mind that is trying to preserve his emotional well-being disagrees, but Jude is an expert at ignoring reason so he doesn’t think too hard about it.

“Oh, come on, David! It’s a nice song.” Jude says before singing along just to be annoying. “Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet-”

“Jingle around the clock~” Leo joins in, causing David to roll his eyes.

“Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet,” Leo and Jude sing together, “That’s the jingle bell rock!”

“You two suck.” David says, cutting off their rendition.

“What? I sing wonderfully.” Jude puts a hand over his chest in mock offense.

Leo, who is sat between David and Jude, scoots away from David and presses up against Jude’s side. “If you don’t like it, maybe I should just stick with Jude.” He wraps an arm around Jude’s shoulder to pull him flush against his side.

“What? Jude, I can’t believe you’re stealing my boyfriend!” David exclaims jokingly. Jude can’t even joke back due to the fact that his face suddenly feels unusually warm and his throat feels like he might actually be choking on his feelings.

Luckily, Leo picks up the joke. “He’s not stealing me. You’re pushing me away with your lack of Christmas spirit.”

Something about the combination of the conversation and the closeness has put Jude right back onto the edge that he found earlier tonight. Jude tries to take a deep breath, but he can’t manage it. The dread that likes to sit in his belly is spreading up into his lungs and out into his limbs. Everything is beginning to feel heavy and tight. Jude tries to think about something—anything—but his mind has gone blank and his ears have begun to ring. On some level he knows that he’s just having another panic attack, that it will pass like all the others, but the vast majority of his mind seems convinced that he’s going to die at this moment. And the real trouble is, he doesn’t even know why he’s panicking. His frustration at the situation, however, is definitely not going to help him calm down.

It takes a while, but Jude realizes that someone seems to be talking to him. He thinks it might be David. His voice sounds really far away, though. It takes a long time for Jude to process his words, and when he does it feels less like he actually heard David speak and more like he just finally understood what was being said.

David is trying to help him breathe. He’s taking deep breaths with Jude’s hand pressed against his chest so that he can feel the movement. After Jude realizes this it takes him a few moments before he is actually able to copy the breaths. His chest hurts.

“That’s great, Jude. Just keep breathing like that.” Jude is finally able to actually hear David’s voice as it breaks through all the fog in his head. “That’s it. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four-”

Jude doesn’t know how long he listens to David count. It somehow feels like no time at all, but also forever. Eventually, Jude starts processing the whole situation. He recognizes that he’s laying down. His head is on a squishmellow that Leo keeps in the van and the blanket has been put over him. David is sitting next to him, holding his hand against his chest. The way he is seated blocks Jude from being able to see out the back of the van. Based on how quiet it is, he assumes they must have shut the doors. He can’t see Leo.

As soon as Jude fully realizes what happened he is internally cursing himself. What the hell was that about? Leo put an arm around him and he just… freaked the fuck out? Doesn’t he want to be close to them? Now they definitely won’t ever do that again. Maybe this will even be what finally makes them want to stop hanging out. Now they’ve realized that he’s unstable not-in-a-fun-way and they won’t want to be associated with that. Jude needs to leave. He needs to go far away. He needs-

“Hey, Jude! Don’t lose focus. You’re doing so well.” David draws his attention away from the spiral. “Just keep breathing.”

Jude goes back to focusing on David and taking shaky breaths. He still can’t see Leo. “S-sorry. I’m sorry.” Jude starts saying, he repeats himself a few times before his words are clear enough for David to understand.

“Shhh, Jude. You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay.” David says, but Jude just shakes his head.

They were having a good night. Leo was able to talk about his brother and take a step forward in healing. It was fun. There is no reason for Jude to be acting like this. He’s taking all the attention from Leo, who actually needs it. Where is Leo? Why is David here with him and not Leo? Did he upset him?

This time, Jude manages to stop himself from spiraling. Regardless of the situation, he has to calm himself down. He can’t think about the future and how he’s certainly fucked up… something because if he keeps breaking down then eventually David will get sick of holding his hand and then he’ll have to work through this alone.

Jude has no idea how much time has passed by the time his lungs feel full of air and his head is reattached to his shoulders. All he knows is that David and Leo must be so annoyed with him right now. It’s just in his nature to ruin good things.

“Jude, are you feeling well enough to sit up?” David asks once he realizes Jude has calmed himself.

Something about David asking that hurts. It shouldn’t hurt. He doesn’t deserve David’s care anyways so it makes sense he would take it away as soon as Jude is back to himself. Jude just nods and David helps him to sit up.

Once he is upright, Jude is able to see into the front of the van where Leo is sat in the driver's seat. He’s looking back at them with a worried expression. “Are you alright?” He asks.

“Yeah.” Jude replies automatically. “I’m fine. Sorry about that.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Leo says. He looks like he wants to add on something else, but chooses not to. “We should probably get back into the city. It’s getting pretty late.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jude should not feel this disappointed. Of course they’re going to want to go home. Who in their right mind would want to keep hanging out after he basically threw a fit for no reason.

Leo starts the car and Jude is surprised to find that David stays in the back with him. He expected for him to join Leo in the front. The first half of the drive is very quiet. It feels awkward to Jude. Maybe David was right earlier. Being here tonight really has become unbearable.

It must be unbearable to Leo too, because he puts on the radio after a while.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air~

David groans and bangs his head against the wall of the car. “Not this GODDAM SONG AGAIN!”

Jude and Leo burst out laughing.

The quiet of the car doesn’t break even as the song fades out and changes to another, but David’s little outburst has popped some of the tension that was hanging in the air. With the music in the background and David grumbling about rioting, Jude is able to pull his logical brain back from the depths of the hell that is his mind. If he really thinks about it, the reason that they are going home now is because it is just late at night. Maybe Jude having a panic attack ended their night a little prematurely, but he certainly didn’t ruin it. There’s some awkwardness in the car, but neither of them seem mad at him. He still feels back about what happened (especially because he took attention from Leo) but it isn’t the end of the world. He just has to keep telling himself that.

They are not going to stop hanging out with him over one panic attack.

Leo said he wants David and Jude to come, therefore he must enjoy both of their company.

They had a good time talking and playing around.

It was a good night.

Jude did not ruin it.

He did not ruin it.

It’s fine.

As they pull up to Jude’s apartment complex, Leo finally speaks up. He turns around in the seat so that he can look at Jude. “Jude… Before you go I wanted to apologize. I’m not really sure what happened back there, but I’m sorry if I caused it. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or scare you or something.”

“Wha- no! That wasn’t your fault!” Jude says. “It was… I just…” He can’t seem to reach for what he wants to say.

David, in the same way he encouraged Leo earlier that evening, says, “It’s okay Jude. Take your time.”

Even though they’re just words, the fact that David said them almost helps Jude take a breath and reassess. Why exactly did he freak out? Leo had his arm around him and had pressed Jude against his side. He joked that he would leave David for Jude. When Jude thinks about it now, both of these things just seem silly. Jude loves to be touched and held. He was perfectly happy pressed against Leo’s side up until the point that he started talking about “leaving David”, but that was a joke. A joke. It doesn’t mean anything. Obviously he would never leave David for Jude, and Jude would never want him to. Was it that, on some level, the conversation implied some kind of betrayal?

Jude thinks about that and it makes his gut squirm. Neither of them would betray each other like that. And Jude wouldn’t ever want to betray either of them like that. No matter how much he wants them, he wants them to be happy even more. And they’re happy with each other.

Even with all this thinking, Jude is unable to come up with something to say. To try to explain seems way too complicated, plus it would require him revealing that he likes them in a not-so-friendly manner.

Instead of giving any real explanation, Jude shrugs. “I don’t know. It wasn’t anything important… but it wasn’t your fault! It just… happens sometimes.”

“Do you have panic attacks like that often?” David asks. It’s clear that he’s trying to sound neutral, but some concern peeks through the cracks.

“I have them… sometimes. I don’t think it’s that often.” Jude says without confidence.

“How often is sometimes?” David asks.

Jude tries to think of what would be a reasonable number. “A few times a week?” His statement sounds more like a question.

“That… is a lot of panic attacks.” David says. If David thinks that's a lot, Jude is glad that he didn’t tell him the real number. “Have you ever talked to someone about that? Like a doctor?”

“Eh… no. I never thought about bringing it up.” Jude says. The real answer to this would be that Jude has not seen a doctor since he was twelve and he has no intention of seeing one ever again.

“Maybe you should. You wouldn’t want something like this to get out of hand. Mental health is really important to keep track of.” Jude feels like David is prodding too hard. He doesn’t really want him to be concerned in this manner. It makes Jude feel nervous.

“Thank you for the advice, Nurse David.” Jude manages to add some humor into his voice and David grins a little bit.

“What can I say? I just want to make sure you’re healthy.” David says.

Jude lets out a quiet laugh as he finally exits the van. He waves at them as the drive off before he heads upstairs to his apartment. Once inside, he practically falls onto his new mattress. He hasn’t gotten a bed-frame yet, though he’s 99% sure they’re unnecessary anyways so he may never get one.

He lays in bed in the quiet night for a while before rolling over and reaching for the small radio he has by his bed. Jude turns it on and sighs as the quiet music filters into the room. Today had a lot of ups and downs. He can’t quite call it a good day, but he won’t let himself call it a bad one either. It was just a day. A day spent with his friends. His friends who don’t mind when he acts a little strange… or a lot strange. He didn’t ruin anything.

Jude is halfway to a spiral again when he realizes what song is on and starts laughing. He can almost hear David screaming from here.

What a bright time, it’s the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh~

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet

Jingle around the clock

Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet~

“That’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell rock!” Jude sings the last few lines and is able to smile to himself. Everything is okay. He’s warm. He’s in his apartment. David and Leo are his friends. That is enough. He takes a breath and tries to ignore the doubts that always claw at him. David and Leo are his friends. That has not changed.

Links to:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3