#almost 5000 words lol

[psychic-winged-turtle]

Jude Totally Doesn't Have a Crush, Part 4

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

Snowin’ and blowing’ up bushels of fun

Now the jingle hop has begun~

“Ugh. Not the Jingle Bell Rock again.” David groans, reaching out to turn down the radio.

“Don’t turn it down!” Jude exclaims. “Do you seriously not like Jingle Bell Rock?”

David sighs, but pulls his hand away from the volume control. “It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I’ve been hearing it ten times a day since November first and I’m getting tired of it.”

“Well, sorry that the Christmas season doesn’t speak to your soul the way it should.” Jude jokes with a smirk before continuing to speak with a dramatic tone. “Your cold, dead grinch heart might yet be warmed by the magic of Christmas, for we are going to the most magical place on earth, off-brand winter wonderland!”

Leo snorts and glances in the rearview mirror to see Jude. “I’m not sure it will be enough. David has a particular brand of non-magical vibes.”

“Is that so? Did you get coal one too many times, David?” Jude asks teasingly.

David has shrunk into his seat with a scowl and crossed arms. “You two are unbearable.”

“And you are killing the vibe.” Leo replies to him. “C’mon David. Cheer up and enjoy the fact that we’re about to fill up on sugar, cider, and Christmas Spirit.”

David rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Let me be a killjoy for a few more minutes.”

“Yeah, Leo. You gotta let him get the goth vibes out before he can truly enjoy the mood.” Jude once again jokes from the backseat.

David rolls his eyes one more time, but then he straightens up in the seat and turns around to look at Jude. “Have you been to Night of Lights before?”

“No. This is the first year I’ve been living in this area.” Jude says. “Though other places also have various Christmas events, so I’ve likely been to similar ones.”

“Yeah. I went to one once that had a hayride through the woods. They had a bunch of lights set up and you got to just sit and sip hot chocolate and stuff.” David says.

“Is that it?” Leo says, directing their attention back to the front of the car. In the distance they can see colorful lights.

“It must be. I can’t think of any other reason the middle of nowhere would be glowing.” David says sarcastically.

“If you keep being sassy, I’m going to gag you.” Leo jokes.

“Kinky.” Jude adds on.

David’s face goes red. “You two are unbearable.”

“You’ve already said that tonight, come up with a new phrase.” Leo says as he turns onto a smaller road that is decorated with lights along both sides.

They all become quiet as they look out the windows. Leo slows down so that they can enjoy the different decorations on the way to the parking lot. There are lights arching across the road so that they seem to be driving through a glowing tunnel. Small figures of elves are set up to look like they are peeking around the trunks of trees. Jude even thinks he sees a figure of Santa hidden up in the branches of a tree that is a little further off the trail.

When they park the car and get out David immediately sighs.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air~

“I swear this song is haunting me.” He says.

Leo laughs. “Yes, I’m sure the radio men are out to get you in particular.”

“Well, that’s what it feels like.” David drags his feet for a moment before catching up to Jude and Leo. They head towards a cluster of buildings. Jude can smell hot chocolate and apple cider as they get closer.

Although they are living a little too far south for a white Christmas, Jude appreciates the crunch of dead grass under their feet and the nippy wind that puts a very attractive blush on David’s cheeks. Jude has to pause for a moment at that thought and ever so slightly shake his head, as though he could remove it from his mind like an etch-a-sketch. He has gotten to the point of realizing that he really does like David and Leo, and that it is not going away, so he’s employing a new strategy in order to not constantly feel like he’s pining after them. This new strategy includes no longer allowing himself to entertain these kinds of thoughts. If he only thinks friendly things about them, surely his feelings will turn friendly as well.

The three of them approach the stall that is selling food and drinks. Jude gets hot chocolate, Leo gets an apple cider, and David gets some peppermint-coffee-sugar monstrosity—mainly to spite Leo who warned against drinking coffee this late in the evening.

“I’m just saying that if you’re tossing and turning in bed I will banish you to the couch. Your bad decision will not affect my sleep.” Leo says as they make their way to a forest trail that has been decorated with Christmas lights.

The Night of Lights is a community project that decorates hiking trails with lights, streamers, and other decorations to try and create a magical Christmas experience in the week leading up to the 25th. Jude didn’t know that it existed, but apparently Leo used to go when he was a kid. Although he didn’t say it explicitly, Jude got the feeling that the last time that he went was before his brother died. It makes Jude wonder why he’d want to go back now.

“Jude!” David says, at a volume that makes Jude think he may have been saying his name for a while.

“What?” Jude looks over at him and he sighs.

“I was going to ask what your favorite Christmas movie is, but now I’m more curious about what’s got you off in dreamland.”

“I’m not in dreamland.” Jude says, looking back towards the lights overhead. “I’m just enjoying the lights.”

“And what are you thinking about?” David asks.

Jude doesn’t know why that question suddenly rubs him the wrong way. It’s an innocent question and David has definitely asked it before, but today it just sets something off in Jude.

“Nothing.” Jude answers in an almost instinctual way. The way he always did when adults would ask him what he was thinking as a child. A moment after Jude says it he questions why he did. David is not one of his many caregivers. He’s his friend and he has absolutely never given Jude a reason to think that he would judge him for his thoughts. In fact, David is an extraordinarily open person in most situations.

“Oh. Okay.” David says. There’s something in his tone that Jude doesn’t like. He hopes he didn’t upset David or something. He wishes he could explain that he didn’t mean to answer that way, that for some reason his messed-up brain decided that David was a threat for a moment. It seems like that would take too much explaining, though, and Jude just wants to move on from this moment.

“So… you were talking about Christmas movies?” Jude asks, prompting David to dive back into a conversation about the pros and cons of various Christmas movies. Leo regularly disagrees with him, more for entertainment purposes than anything. Jude has a feeling that Leo could care less about most of these movies, it’s just funny to watch David get heated about a claymation where Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is bullied for half the movie and an elf decides that he wants to be a dentist.

Throughout their hike through the lights conversation flows and pauses naturally. That moment of discomfort that Jude experienced near the beginning doesn’t return and he’s able to focus on the moments that are happening right now. When they reach the end of the trail they find themselves back where they started. They decide to get another drink—this time Jude gets cider, Leo gets hot chocolate, and David still gets the coffee (to spite Leo)—and then find a place to sit a little ways away from the crowd.

Jude has been watching a snowball-fight made of lights for a few moments, trying to figure out if the “thrown” light snowballs are random or on a timer, when he hears a small sniffle. He turns to look at Leo and David, only to find that Leo is quietly crying.

David reaches out to take his hand, comfortingly brushing his fingers over Leo’s knuckles. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s… There’s nothing wrong. I’m just-” Leo pauses to take a calming breath, it shutters slightly on the way out “-I’m just a little upset that I’m enjoying myself.”

“Why would you be upset about that?” Jude asks. He doesn’t mean for it to sound harsh or judgemental, but after the words leave his mouth he realizes that they might be read that way. It’s just that… What Leo said doesn’t make any sense.

“It. It’s a little silly.” Leo pauses again and wipes his face. Even though he appears calm, small trails of tears keep appearing. “It’s just that-” another pause “-the last time I came where was with Leonard. Every time that I’ve come here, it was with Leonard. To be here without him… it makes me feel…”

Leo cuts himself off completely and David squeezes his hand. “It’s alright, Leo. Take your time.”

“After he died I spent a very long time being miserable.” Leo starts talking again, trying to convey his meaning from a different angle. “It reached a point where it wasn’t even out of grief. Or, it was, it just wasn’t because I was processing it. Anything that I related to Leonard became… agony. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, much less visit any place I had associated with him.”

“It took me years to realize that what I was doing… the avoidance, the…” Leo swallows, skipping past whatever he was going to say. “It just took me a long time to realize that what I was doing wasn’t doing anything. It wasn’t going to bring Leonard back. It wasn’t going to… I don’t know, make his absence hurt any less. It definitely wasn’t helping me move on. So I realized I had to stop. I couldn’t live the way I was living.”

Once again, Leo pauses for a long moment. He takes a few deep breaths and once again wipes his face. “So I-” His voice cracks and he takes a moment to swallow “-so I started visiting the places we used to go. A lot of  the time I took Darrius with me, and I slowly got back to a place that I could call ‘fairly normal’. But-” a breath “-I hadn’t ever managed to come back here. Of all the places that we went together, this wasn’t even a particularly special spot. Even so, just thinking about coming here just made me feel… bad. But I don’t think it should. I don’t want to feel bad about these things anymore. I know Leonard wouldn’t want me to.”

Leo looks between Jude and David, the first time he’s managed to look them in the eyes during this conversation. “So, I decided that I wanted to try to come here this year. I was going to go with Darrius, but then I thought about how much I wanted to spend time with the two of you and I thought that if anyone could make this night bearable it would be y’all.”

“I’m glad we could be here for you.” David says immediately. Jude feels like he should say something too, but his voice seems to have left him.

“So, yeah, that’s why I feel… a bit upset.” Leo says a bit awkwardly. “Thanks for… being here and listening to my monologue.”

“I mean… I'm pretty sure I could listen to you monologue about anything, so don’t worry about it.” Goddammit, Jude! That was totally inappropriate. Why the hell is he so shit at dealing with feelings?

Luckily, Leo just chuckles at that. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t mind it. And I hope I didn’t ruin the mood.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” David says. “If anything this just gives us more time together because now we obviously need to get you one of those chocolate-marshmallow snowmen that I saw being sold.”

Leo laughs again at that, a little more genuinely. “Be careful, I might think that you’re using my little breakdown to get treats.”

“What? No! I would never. The chocolate-marshmallow man is entirely for you.” David says in a mock-offended tone before switching to a sly smirk. “The white-chocolate snowflake will be my treat for your breakdown.”

Leo rolls his eyes. “Wow. Such a good boyfriend I have, taking advantage of me for an excuse to have sugar.”

“Hey! You would do the same for me.” David jokes.

The three of them end up each getting a treat ‘for Leo’s breakdown’ and then finishing the night by sitting in the back of Leo’s van and listening to the Christmas music being blasted across the parking lot.

What a bright time, it’s the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh

“OH MY GOD!” David exclaims when he realizes which song is playing. “Why are they playing it AGAIN?!”

Leo and Jude just laugh at him. The three of them have ended up pressed together in the bed of Leo’s van in order to use the one blanket that he brought to stay warm. Jude can’t help the thought that this feels a lot like toeing the line of cuddling with them, but he argues that if he didn’t he would just be cold and the two of them clearly don’t mind. The logical part of his mind that is trying to preserve his emotional well-being disagrees, but Jude is an expert at ignoring reason so he doesn’t think too hard about it.

“Oh, come on, David! It’s a nice song.” Jude says before singing along just to be annoying. “Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet-”

“Jingle around the clock~” Leo joins in, causing David to roll his eyes.

“Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet,” Leo and Jude sing together, “That’s the jingle bell rock!”

“You two suck.” David says, cutting off their rendition.

“What? I sing wonderfully.” Jude puts a hand over his chest in mock offense.

Leo, who is sat between David and Jude, scoots away from David and presses up against Jude’s side. “If you don’t like it, maybe I should just stick with Jude.” He wraps an arm around Jude’s shoulder to pull him flush against his side.

“What? Jude, I can’t believe you’re stealing my boyfriend!” David exclaims jokingly. Jude can’t even joke back due to the fact that his face suddenly feels unusually warm and his throat feels like he might actually be choking on his feelings.

Luckily, Leo picks up the joke. “He’s not stealing me. You’re pushing me away with your lack of Christmas spirit.”

Something about the combination of the conversation and the closeness has put Jude right back onto the edge that he found earlier tonight. Jude tries to take a deep breath, but he can’t manage it. The dread that likes to sit in his belly is spreading up into his lungs and out into his limbs. Everything is beginning to feel heavy and tight. Jude tries to think about something—anything—but his mind has gone blank and his ears have begun to ring. On some level he knows that he’s just having another panic attack, that it will pass like all the others, but the vast majority of his mind seems convinced that he’s going to die at this moment. And the real trouble is, he doesn’t even know why he’s panicking. His frustration at the situation, however, is definitely not going to help him calm down.

It takes a while, but Jude realizes that someone seems to be talking to him. He thinks it might be David. His voice sounds really far away, though. It takes a long time for Jude to process his words, and when he does it feels less like he actually heard David speak and more like he just finally understood what was being said.

David is trying to help him breathe. He’s taking deep breaths with Jude’s hand pressed against his chest so that he can feel the movement. After Jude realizes this it takes him a few moments before he is actually able to copy the breaths. His chest hurts.

“That’s great, Jude. Just keep breathing like that.” Jude is finally able to actually hear David’s voice as it breaks through all the fog in his head. “That’s it. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four-”

Jude doesn’t know how long he listens to David count. It somehow feels like no time at all, but also forever. Eventually, Jude starts processing the whole situation. He recognizes that he’s laying down. His head is on a squishmellow that Leo keeps in the van and the blanket has been put over him. David is sitting next to him, holding his hand against his chest. The way he is seated blocks Jude from being able to see out the back of the van. Based on how quiet it is, he assumes they must have shut the doors. He can’t see Leo.

As soon as Jude fully realizes what happened he is internally cursing himself. What the hell was that about? Leo put an arm around him and he just… freaked the fuck out? Doesn’t he want to be close to them? Now they definitely won’t ever do that again. Maybe this will even be what finally makes them want to stop hanging out. Now they’ve realized that he’s unstable not-in-a-fun-way and they won’t want to be associated with that. Jude needs to leave. He needs to go far away. He needs-

“Hey, Jude! Don’t lose focus. You’re doing so well.” David draws his attention away from the spiral. “Just keep breathing.”

Jude goes back to focusing on David and taking shaky breaths. He still can’t see Leo. “S-sorry. I’m sorry.” Jude starts saying, he repeats himself a few times before his words are clear enough for David to understand.

“Shhh, Jude. You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay.” David says, but Jude just shakes his head.

They were having a good night. Leo was able to talk about his brother and take a step forward in healing. It was fun. There is no reason for Jude to be acting like this. He’s taking all the attention from Leo, who actually needs it. Where is Leo? Why is David here with him and not Leo? Did he upset him?

This time, Jude manages to stop himself from spiraling. Regardless of the situation, he has to calm himself down. He can’t think about the future and how he’s certainly fucked up… something because if he keeps breaking down then eventually David will get sick of holding his hand and then he’ll have to work through this alone.

Jude has no idea how much time has passed by the time his lungs feel full of air and his head is reattached to his shoulders. All he knows is that David and Leo must be so annoyed with him right now. It’s just in his nature to ruin good things.

“Jude, are you feeling well enough to sit up?” David asks once he realizes Jude has calmed himself.

Something about David asking that hurts. It shouldn’t hurt. He doesn’t deserve David’s care anyways so it makes sense he would take it away as soon as Jude is back to himself. Jude just nods and David helps him to sit up.

Once he is upright, Jude is able to see into the front of the van where Leo is sat in the driver's seat. He’s looking back at them with a worried expression. “Are you alright?” He asks.

“Yeah.” Jude replies automatically. “I’m fine. Sorry about that.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Leo says. He looks like he wants to add on something else, but chooses not to. “We should probably get back into the city. It’s getting pretty late.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jude should not feel this disappointed. Of course they’re going to want to go home. Who in their right mind would want to keep hanging out after he basically threw a fit for no reason.

Leo starts the car and Jude is surprised to find that David stays in the back with him. He expected for him to join Leo in the front. The first half of the drive is very quiet. It feels awkward to Jude. Maybe David was right earlier. Being here tonight really has become unbearable.

It must be unbearable to Leo too, because he puts on the radio after a while.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air~

David groans and bangs his head against the wall of the car. “Not this GODDAM SONG AGAIN!”

Jude and Leo burst out laughing.

The quiet of the car doesn’t break even as the song fades out and changes to another, but David’s little outburst has popped some of the tension that was hanging in the air. With the music in the background and David grumbling about rioting, Jude is able to pull his logical brain back from the depths of the hell that is his mind. If he really thinks about it, the reason that they are going home now is because it is just late at night. Maybe Jude having a panic attack ended their night a little prematurely, but he certainly didn’t ruin it. There’s some awkwardness in the car, but neither of them seem mad at him. He still feels back about what happened (especially because he took attention from Leo) but it isn’t the end of the world. He just has to keep telling himself that.

They are not going to stop hanging out with him over one panic attack.

Leo said he wants David and Jude to come, therefore he must enjoy both of their company.

They had a good time talking and playing around.

It was a good night.

Jude did not ruin it.

He did not ruin it.

It’s fine.

As they pull up to Jude’s apartment complex, Leo finally speaks up. He turns around in the seat so that he can look at Jude. “Jude… Before you go I wanted to apologize. I’m not really sure what happened back there, but I’m sorry if I caused it. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or scare you or something.”

“Wha- no! That wasn’t your fault!” Jude says. “It was… I just…” He can’t seem to reach for what he wants to say.

David, in the same way he encouraged Leo earlier that evening, says, “It’s okay Jude. Take your time.”

Even though they’re just words, the fact that David said them almost helps Jude take a breath and reassess. Why exactly did he freak out? Leo had his arm around him and had pressed Jude against his side. He joked that he would leave David for Jude. When Jude thinks about it now, both of these things just seem silly. Jude loves to be touched and held. He was perfectly happy pressed against Leo’s side up until the point that he started talking about “leaving David”, but that was a joke. A joke. It doesn’t mean anything. Obviously he would never leave David for Jude, and Jude would never want him to. Was it that, on some level, the conversation implied some kind of betrayal?

Jude thinks about that and it makes his gut squirm. Neither of them would betray each other like that. And Jude wouldn’t ever want to betray either of them like that. No matter how much he wants them, he wants them to be happy even more. And they’re happy with each other.

Even with all this thinking, Jude is unable to come up with something to say. To try to explain seems way too complicated, plus it would require him revealing that he likes them in a not-so-friendly manner.

Instead of giving any real explanation, Jude shrugs. “I don’t know. It wasn’t anything important… but it wasn’t your fault! It just… happens sometimes.”

“Do you have panic attacks like that often?” David asks. It’s clear that he’s trying to sound neutral, but some concern peeks through the cracks.

“I have them… sometimes. I don’t think it’s that often.” Jude says without confidence.

“How often is sometimes?” David asks.

Jude tries to think of what would be a reasonable number. “A few times a week?” His statement sounds more like a question.

“That… is a lot of panic attacks.” David says. If David thinks that's a lot, Jude is glad that he didn’t tell him the real number. “Have you ever talked to someone about that? Like a doctor?”

“Eh… no. I never thought about bringing it up.” Jude says. The real answer to this would be that Jude has not seen a doctor since he was twelve and he has no intention of seeing one ever again.

“Maybe you should. You wouldn’t want something like this to get out of hand. Mental health is really important to keep track of.” Jude feels like David is prodding too hard. He doesn’t really want him to be concerned in this manner. It makes Jude feel nervous.

“Thank you for the advice, Nurse David.” Jude manages to add some humor into his voice and David grins a little bit.

“What can I say? I just want to make sure you’re healthy.” David says.

Jude lets out a quiet laugh as he finally exits the van. He waves at them as the drive off before he heads upstairs to his apartment. Once inside, he practically falls onto his new mattress. He hasn’t gotten a bed-frame yet, though he’s 99% sure they’re unnecessary anyways so he may never get one.

He lays in bed in the quiet night for a while before rolling over and reaching for the small radio he has by his bed. Jude turns it on and sighs as the quiet music filters into the room. Today had a lot of ups and downs. He can’t quite call it a good day, but he won’t let himself call it a bad one either. It was just a day. A day spent with his friends. His friends who don’t mind when he acts a little strange… or a lot strange. He didn’t ruin anything.

Jude is halfway to a spiral again when he realizes what song is on and starts laughing. He can almost hear David screaming from here.

What a bright time, it’s the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh~

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet

Jingle around the clock

Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet~

“That’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell rock!” Jude sings the last few lines and is able to smile to himself. Everything is okay. He’s warm. He’s in his apartment. David and Leo are his friends. That is enough. He takes a breath and tries to ignore the doubts that always claw at him. David and Leo are his friends. That has not changed.

Links to:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

violet soul

a smutty lucifer x reader fic for your enjoyment have fun <3 i feel embarrassed i was able to produce such filth :))))))

triggers warnings: dubious consent (the reader is not sober while giving consent! while they do believe they have given consent, they are not realising they're being manipulated into it!) and just like rough sex i guess haha but nothing requiring a specific trigger warning

hope you enjoy!!!

*slithers back into the void*

______________________________________________________________

You started having… dreams, recently. Very odd dreams. They feel real, way too real, and you wake covered in sweat, and the only thing you are able to think about is the dream, as if you’re still there. When you manage to fall asleep again, you simply continue where you left off. 

The dreams consume your waking life. You think about them constantly. Images, smells and sounds remind you of them. 

After a few weeks, you visit a therapist and complain about nightmares. She listens and nods sympathetically, and then she asks what the dreams are about. You open your mouth to tell her and find that you can’t. 

“They aren’t about anything, really. They are just… vivid,” you say, feeling embarrassed because of course you know what they’re about. If only you could remember right now. 

She looks at you with confusion in her eyes. “It’s okay, you can tell me,” she says gently. 

You wish you could, but you don’t know. You spend the rest of the session talking about things that don’t matter.

Later, you leave her office with a feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach. You feel like a woman possessed. 

The second you leave her office you remember the dreams again. 

In your dreams, you wonder aimlessly through a very dark place. Nothing happens, really, but it’s scary. Everything is so vivid, so lifelike. You feel the cold stone underneath your feet, the unbearable heat in the air that makes it hard to breathe, the smell of something rotten, something burning. You can never find your way out. Sometimes, you catch glimpses of… creatures. You always make it a point to avoid them. They pay no attention to you anyhow, but they are disturbing to look at, their faces contorted, deformed, burned, melted. Some have teeth like wild animals, some have no faces at all. You couldn't describe them in detail, really, you never stare. You always feel like there is someone watching you, but when you turn, there is no one around. 

The therapy session feels like a defeat and you call a friend to complain. They are sympathetic. You talk for a while, and you feel better — finally, someone understands you. Maybe you aren’t crazy after all. 

Then she asks you what the dreams are about. You open your mouth and nothing comes out. Your voice is gone. 

“Hello? Do you hear me?” your friend asks. You stare at your phone.

“I’m here,” you say, your voice miraculously returning. “My mom is calling me. I’ll call you later, okay?”

You hang up. You call your mom and another friend. You cannot tell any of them about the nightmares. Either your voice disappears, or you can’t remember a single thing about the dreams. The concern and disbelief in their voices make your stomach churn. You know they don’t believe you. You feel crazy. 

It’s evening already and you are so tired. You have run out of people to call and you’re not sure you’d even want to call anyone anymore. You feel on edge, weeks of poor sleep making you paranoid. You start wondering whether all of this is another nightmare. You try pinching yourself to wake up. It doesn’t work. You curl up on the sofa and turn on the TV, turning the channel to something mindless. 

You don’t notice when you fall asleep.

You are in that place again. A sickly sweet smell of something rotten is filling the air. The dark corridor you find yourself in is long and narrow, lit by torches that cast an orange glow onto the dark stone around you. There are doors all throughout it. You turn around. The corridor seems to be never-ending on both sides. You suppose there is no difference which direction you take, then. As soon as you start walking you see the door in front of you open and a black demon with no face steps onto the corridor. You scream and run in the opposite direction. You hear no footsteps behind you and you know it isn’t following you — they never do — but you can’t make yourself stop running. You run and you run and you run through the never-ending corridor. It’s hard to breathe, the air is so hot and it’s stuffy and you’re feeling dizzy and you hear your heartbeat in your ears, but you never stop. 

You don’t know how long you’ve been running when you find yourself at the end of the corridor. There is a grand door in front of you. Without thinking you try to open it, and it’s so heavy you have to use your entire body weight to push it. 

As you open the door, you find that the air is suddenly lighter. The rotten smell is no longer there, and instead it smells faintly of violets. Violets are your favourite flowers. You inhale deeply, relieved you can finally breathe.

The place you find yourself in is enormous, lit by torches. The ceiling is so high you aren’t sure you can see all the way up to it. You could look around for hours and still not be able to take it all in. As you observe the enormous hall, your eyes catch a glimpse a tall, dark figure standing a few feet away from you. It has huge, black wings. You wonder how you didn’t notice it immediately upon entering. The figure is looking at you. 

You know that’s the Devil. For some reason, you aren’t surprised. 

Somehow, you are now standing next to each other. 

The Devil is beautiful, you think, with their cherubic face and bouncy white curls that seem so soft, almost angelic, and you have to fight the urge run your fingers through them. 

The Devil is tall, so tall. Their stature is elegant, feminine. You admire their broad shoulders, the gentle curve of their breasts underneath their silken red robe, their imposing, black wings.

What really pulls you in are the eyes. It’s not that they’re a lovely cerulean blue, so deep you might get lost in them, it’s that they are looking at your very soul. 

They are the first to speak. 

“Finally, we meet officially, little lamb.”

Their voice sounds like the sweetest sin, silky and smooth and melodious. You find yourself enamoured with it. 

“Are you behind my nightmares?” you ask. 

“How pleasant your stay here is is entirely up to you,” they say and cock their head. 

“What do you mean, my stay here? This is a dream. I am still at home, in my bed,” you say, confused. 

“Not quite. You could be, if you so wished. But you wished to be here, didn’t you?” The corner of their lip curls slightly, as if they find all of this amusing. 

“I haven’t slept in weeks, and you tell me that’s by my own volition? That I wished to be here?” 

You can’t believe your ears.

“Think, little lamb,” they say, their voice sickly sweet. “You have called for me, don’t you remember? You said you were lonely.”

Dread fills you when you realise you do remember. It was a joke, a drunken escapade. You were out with your friends, drinking. You went into the woods. The moon was full. You were, as per usual, the clown of the group, making everyone laugh, complaining how you were the only one without a girlfriend. You climbed onto an old log, and proclaimed, “I would sell my soul to the Devil for a girlfriend! Fuck, I am so lonely!” and you laughed, and everyone laughed. They teased you, saying you surely don’t mean it, and you said, “of course I mean it,” and you spun around, took a swig of the cheap wine you brought along, and called upon the Devil three more times. 

“Tell the Devil I mean it”, you said, “tell her I’d fuck her if she would have me, I am so fucking horny,” and you laughed and everyone laughed, and you were drunk, and you don’t remember the rest of the night or how you got home. The next morning you were so hungover you barely remembered anything that happened. 

Until now. 

“Loneliness is a demon that eats at people. I would know,” they chuckle, the sweetest sound. “Especially humans… Humans crave connection, they simply long for it. And you are lonely,  my sweet little dove, I can feel it.”

“I—” you started, but they interrupt you. 

“Don’t worry, lamb, I am here to help you. That’s why you’ve asked for me, haven’t you?”

You want to tell them you didn’t ask for this, it was a mistake, you didn’t really mean it, you were drunk, you take it back—

Their silky voice cuts through your thoughts. 

“Tell me, would you like to be my friend?”

When the Devil asks you to be their friend you ought to tread carefully. 

“What happens if I refuse the Devil’s offer for friendship?” you ask.

They chuckle. They lean in, impossibly close. You are scared to death, afraid they will hurt you. You squeeze your eyes shut. You feel them in your space, around you, everywhere. Their wings flutter around you. 

They don’t lay a finger on you, however. You feel hot breath on your ear.

“I prefer Lucifer,” they whisper in your ear. You notice that Lucifer smells faintly of violets and burning wood.

“I realise you are reluctant to accept my offer for friendship. However, would you like to take a stroll with me?”

You open your eyes and see them towering over you. A shiver runs down your spine.

You are still unsure. 

“You don’t have to, of course,” Lucifer says, “but it will probably be a while before you wake. Might as well kill the time.”

They do have a point, you think. 

“I guess we can take a stroll,” you say and they grin at you. It’s a dangerous sort of smile. You find it incredibly charming. 

They offer you their arm to lean on. After a second of consideration, you take it. 

Their arm is warm, and as you link yours underneath it you immediately feel safe.

You blink, and suddenly you are in the most beautiful garden you have ever seen. Your mouth gapes open in awe. 

“Are we still in Hell?” you ask. 

“We are indeed. This is where I take my friends.”

You stay silent for a moment, taking in the beauty around you as you walk. Violets are blooming at every step. 

“How did you know violets are my favourite flower?” 

“Oh, are they? A mere coincidence,” says Lucifer and grins widely at you, flashing their white teeth.

You walk together for a while. Their strong arm is supporting you and you can’t help but be enamoured with them. Every once in a while, you feel their wing brush against your back. It sends delicious shivers down your spine. Their white curls are bouncing ever so slightly as they walk and you find yourself staring. They don’t seem to mind. The weirdest thing is, you can’t remember the last time you felt this peaceful. You find yourself thinking you could get used to this.

“Why do you want me as your friend, though?” you ask after a while, “What do you hope to gain from that?”

“Why, I hope gain a friend. And as for why I want you in particular as my friend…” they stop walking and look at you. “I do find your soul utterly captivating.”

“I must admit, I am surprised you haven’t asked what you will gain from our friendship. Don’t you wish to know?” they cock their head ever so slightly. Their piercing eyes are looking at your soul again. You feel naked. You cannot look away.

“Tell me, please,” you say.

“Think of every desire you’ve ever had. Every sinful thought that ever crossed your mind. Everything you never thought you could have. Do it.”

You do it. 

“Did you imagine it?” They take your chin in their hand. You feel your skin tingle under their fingers. They lean in, closer, closer, closer, until their nose is almost touching yours. You feel their hot breath on your lips. 

“It’s yours to have now.”

You feel dizzy. Your chest is heaving. You feel a craving, a desire you can’t name, and you can imagine the sweet gratification of its fulfilment. 

“Everything?” you ask, your voice hoarse. 

“Everything,” they say, and the hot breath that washes over your lips makes you wild. They are still holding your chin. It’s not painful but you can’t move. 

“May I… make a request then?” You are so overcome by desire that you struggle to think.

They chuckle, a puff of heat on your lips. “Greedy girl. You already made your request that night in the woods. But I will humour you. Make one more.”

You barely comprehend what they’re saying. All you feel is desire. Your eyes drift to their wings. 

“May I… touch your wings?”

You want to touch their beautiful wings so badly, but you are waiting for permission. There is a second of silence. To you, it seems like an eternity. 

Finally, they speak. 

“I said, whatever you desire. I fulfil my promises.”

They turn around slowly. You find yourself face to face with their wings. They are jet black, but you can see little veins running through them if you look closely. They seem impossibly smooth. 

You reach as far up as you can and run the back of your fingers all the way to the place where the wings grow out of their back. Lucifer shivers. 

Encouraged by that reaction you repeat the same motion again and again, then mirror it on the other wing with your other hand. Then you run your hands all along the base of their wings. 

Lucifer moans. 

The sound sends a jolt straight to your core. The wave of arousal helps you gather the courage to plant a hot kiss on their right wing. They moan again. You continue to kiss your way to the base of their wings, then all the way down along their spine until you reach the very end of it. The moans they are letting out are unholy. You fall down to your knees, your hands on their hips now. You want to continue your way down, but you are not sure if you’re allowed to. It takes an absurd amount of effort to stop. 

“Can I?” you ask, hoping, praying they will say yes. 

They turn around and look down at you. Their piercing gaze makes you dizzy, makes you want to pray to the Devil. 

They snap their fingers and suddenly you are in that grand hall from before. There is a throne there now and they are sitting on it. You are still on your knees in front of them. 

“Take what you desire,” they say.

“You may touch me here,” they touch their knee, “or here,” they move their hand upwards on their  thigh, “or there,” they slip their hand underneath their red robe. When they pull their hand out their fingers are glistening. You feel your mouth water. 

“Or even there,” they continue, their tone almost nonchalant, as they slowly, deliberately pull the robe off of their shoulders, exposing two small, perfect breasts. “Wherever you wish, my pet.”

You don’t need to be told twice. You start by kissing their leather boot. They seem to like that.

“Yes,” they say, their voice breathy, “worship me.”

And worship them you do. 

You slowly reach underneath their long red robe, running your hands over their boots and then reaching their smooth knees. You spread the robe open and kiss your way up their calves to their knees. You are moving on from their knees to their thighs, leaving a trail of hot kisses on their impossibly soft skin, when they move one of their legs up and put it over the armrest of the throne, spreading themselves in front of you. They aren’t wearing anything underneath the robe and you are met with the sight of their glistening arousal. You barely stop yourself from burying your face in those silky folds immediately — you want to kiss your way up to them, you want to savour it. 

You continue kissing their milky thighs, revelling in the way they feel under your lips. Lucifer’s breathing is getting more ragged by the second. You bite into their thigh. It feels like sin.

“Naughty thing,” they let out a breathy chuckle. “Bite me again.”

You bite their thigh again and they moan. You can’t restrain yourself anymore and you bury your face into their pussy. They grab a fistful of your hair. You suck, you lick, and there is no method to it, only lust. You are overwhelmed by how good their arousal tastes and you just want more, more, more. 

Their wings flutter around you. One of them touches your back, and you remember how much you caressing them made them moan. 

Lucifer is grinding on your face now and it’s so hot you almost don’t manage to pull away. You look up at them and say, “I want to touch your wings.”

“Go ahead, then,” they say. They are ever so slightly out of breath and their gaze is hooded and heavy. 

You climb up into their lap. With one hand you reach between their legs, running your fingers along their wetness, and with the other you start caressing one of their wings. The moan Lucifer lets out as soon as your hand touches their wing is sin itself. You start kissing their neck as you caress the wing with one hand and circle their clit with the other. You keep the motions on their clit steady, but you experiment with touching their wings, squeezing their breasts, alternating between the two, touching different spots, seeing which one makes them moan louder. What sends them over the edge is when you give their wing a hot, open mouthed kiss. They let out a high pitched moan and you feel them tense up underneath you. You continue to touch them until they push your hands away. 

Their orgasm is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever witnessed. But still, you desire more, more, more. You feel frenzied and hot all over. 

“Please,” you say, “may I request one more thing?”

“You’ve requested enough things,” they say and push you away from their lap. You fall on the floor. 

“Please, I will do anything.” 

Mistake. But you don’t care. Lust is making you lose your mind.

“Anything? Well, aren’t you a greedy little slut.”

The word sounds sinful when they say it, their gentle voice and angelic face clashing with the crudeness of it on their lips.  

They get up from the throne, silken robe closing around their legs, no longer exposing them. Their breasts are still bared. They tower above you. 

“First you get drunk, like a naughty little girl you are, then you go into the woods and call for Lucifer Morningstar, the Ruler of Hell, like they’re a servant who is here to grant your pathetic little desires.”

You are still on the floor, looking up at them. You feel like you’re about to cry, but you are also still burning with desire, the ache between your legs not waning for a second. It’s almost uncomfortable.

“And now, you ask me to touch you. Greedy, greedy girl,” they sneer. 

“However, to show you I am still interested in being your friend, I will grant your request. Get up.”

You get up as quickly as you can. You feel hot, way too hot. You feel a throb between your legs, uncomfortable, unrelenting. You wonder if that’s what happens when you fuck the Devil. 

They grab your jaw. “You like it when I do that, don’t you?”

You want to nod, but you can’t, their grip is too strong. “Yes,” you say instead.

“Let me tell you a little secret, as your friend.” They lean in. Smell of violets overwhelms you. “I like it too,” they whisper. Their hot breath on your ear almost makes you fall apart.

They let out a melodious chuckle and kiss your neck. You shiver, but you feel like you’re on fire.

“Oh, poor thing,” they coo at you. “I haven’t even started yet, and you are already falling apart. Tell me, pet, what made you think you’d be able to endure being fucked by me, hm?”

“I… didn’t think that. I didn’t think anything, I was drunk—” you say, feeling embarrassed.

“Oh, but you did, sweet lamb. You said it yourself. Tell the Devil I mean it, tell her I’d fuck her if she would have me, I am so fucking horny.” Their voice is sickeningly sweet. “Well, what if she would have you, hm? What would you do then?”

“I—I don’t know.” You can only think about the ache between your legs. 

“Hm. Well, then I shall have to fuck you and see.”

They bite into your neck. You cry out. They grab a fistful of your hair and pull you towards themselves, clashing your lips together. They forcefully slip their tongue into your mouth, claiming you, making you theirs. You can barely breathe. 

They snap their fingers and suddenly you’re naked. If this was any other scenario, you’d feel self conscious, but you can’t bring yourself to care. You are consumed by lust and you feel like you’re going crazy. 

They break the kiss. “You wanted me to touch you. Like this?” 

You gasp when they slap you. You hate yourself for liking it. 

“You like that, I know,” they say softly, “but it’s not enough. You still need more. Tell me, what would you do for more?”

“Anything.”

You’re burning. 

“Anything? Oh, I do hope you mean that.” 

They lean in and kiss the cheek they just slapped, the softest, warmest kiss that makes you tingle. It feels like heaven. They run their hands over your breasts, squeezing them with gusto, then pinch and twist your nipples forcefully, making you yelp. 

“Will you be my friend, then?” they ask sweetly, pulling you closer and squeezing your ass, making you moan.

You are too dizzy and too hot to form sentences. They spank you forcefully. You moan again, louder this time.

“Answer me.”

“Yes, yes, anything,” you say. 

They smile. It’s lecherous and it sends a shiver straight to your core.

“Finally, pet. But you have kept me waiting for far too long. I feel like some sort of punishment must be in order.” 

They snap their fingers again and you find yourself bent over their knee as they sit on their throne.

“Thirthy-three strikes. Count.”

They don’t give you even a second to process the command before they start spanking you. You lose count immediately, only aware of the delicious jolts to your core each time they spank you. 

“I said, count.” They spank you so forcefully you see stars. A single tear rolls down your cheek. “Now look what you’ve done, I have to start all over again.” 

They start spanking you again, and this time you count. It gets harder towards the end, and you can't stop yourself from crying. Your pussy is throbbing with need— you’ve never experienced anything quite that intense — and each slap on your red ass makes you flinch. Pain and pleasure mix in a delicious way and it’s overwhelming, but you still need more. 

“Thirty-three,” you finally cry out as they spank you for the last time. 

Not giving you a second to recover, they pull you up into their lap with ease. You wince in pain as your ass touches their thigh. 

“Aw, poor baby,” they say mockingly. “Let me dry those tears.”

They catch one of your tears with their finger and put it in their mouth. They moan in pleasure at the taste. 

“Delicious. Try it.” They catch another tear, ever so gently, then slip two fingers into your mouth.

“Suck.” 

You obey.

“See, you can be a good girl when you want to,” they say gently. “Yes, such a good girl.”

You melt at their praise. It makes you warm all over. They pull their finger out of your mouth with a wet pop. 

They kiss you again, this time softly, delicately. They run their nails over your back, the most gentle of touches, but it makes you shiver and burn and shake. They put one hand on your neck, tangle it into your hair, bringing you closer, closer, closer, while the other hand finds itself on your waist. They slip their tongue in your mouth, and you lose yourself in their touch. You don’t know where you end and where Lucifer begins anymore, and that ache between your legs feels like actual hellfire. Maybe it is actual hellfire. Maybe that’s what happens when the Devil fucks you. You don’t know.

Their hands are everywhere, and you aren’t sure how many hands there are anymore, and you don’t know where you are, you don’t know who you are — the only thing you are aware of is Lucifer and fire, fire, fire between your legs. 

“Yes, my sweet lamb, moan for me,” they purr, and you are surprised to realise you are moaning rather loudly and unabashedly. You are barely aware of your actions, no longer in control of your body.

After an eternity of delicious agony, their fingers graze your clit. You feel like you’re about to fall apart.

They circle your clit, agonisingly slowly, and you wail. You tangle your fingers into their soft hair, trying to hold onto something to keep yourself from falling apart. 

“Oh, darling, I am barely touching you,” they say sweetly. “I do have to ask you before you lose yourself completely, do you want to stay here with me?”

You can barely comprehend what they’re saying. “Stay?” you manage to utter through your moans. You try to rut against their hand, but they grab you by the hips, holding you still. 

“Yes, lamb, stay still for a second longer, yes, that’s it,” they coo at you. “Good girl. Yes, will you stay here with me forever? For all eternity?”

“Eternity…?” 

There is a distant alarm going off somewhere in your head, but you can’t pull yourself together long enough to think rationally. They run their fingers over your wet slit and suddenly there are no more thoughts left in your mind. 

“Yes, my sweet. An eternity of pleasure, an eternity of this,” they hiss as they slip a finger inside of you. You grip their hair tighter, afraid you will fall apart. You have never experienced pleasure as intense as this. 

“Yes,” you say, “yes, yes, yes, please, yes. I want you so much, oh please, fuck—”

They start pumping their finger in and out, slowly, hitting just the perfect spot, but it’s not enough, you need more. 

“More, please, more, aah—” you scream as they slip another finger and start fucking you forcefully. It’s the most intense pleasure you’ve ever experienced. 

“Do we have a deal, then?” they ask, completely calm and collected as they fuck you into oblivion. 

If you were in your right mind, you would have been wary of making any sort of deal with the Devil. If you were in your right mind, you would have realised your fate was sealed that night in the woods and that they had you all along. But considering the Devil is currently kuckle deep in you, you have no chance. They know that. They simply enjoy toying with their prey. 

The only thing you manage to do is to scream an ear-piercing “yes” as you come. 

When you come down from your high, the fire you felt before is no longer between your legs, and it is no longer pleasant. It is in your soul. The air no longer smells of violets — it smells like rotten flesh. 

Lucifer gives you their sweetest smile. They look like a true cherub, the prettiest of angels. 

“Welcome to Hell, sweet lamb.”

[obsidian-art04]

Fishy

Ft. Bonus content for au that lives in my head rent-free (I'll include rambling under the cut + old concept art for it)

The au! Basically, it takes place on an ocean planet that turns creatures similar enough to its native sentient life into the same species

Somethin in the water turns the gays frog/hj (this joke is stolen from my friend)

Based on the environment around the individual, usually, and irreversible after the gills form (with the exception of more mammalian mer ofc)

Some people are immune, but thats not important

Some concept stuff, as a treat ^

All of this is subject to change as i write for it but :D

[league-of-blorbos]

So a quick update for anyone following my fanfics, and I feel really bad about this, but I lied when I said the next chapter of my transfem Yone fic, Constellation Cradle, would come out before 2024, my brain ended up getting consumed by another story I'm writing it's Rhaayn and they'd take roughly around the same time to finish either one, so I'm gonna work hard to finish one of them in the first few days of January and the other will follow soon after

I blame my brain and it's autistic hyperfixations for this 😞

[st-eve-barnes]

Leverage (Michael Gavey x fem Reader)

Chapter 6 (the final one)

Summary: When your ex threatens to release some very personal videos you are left with no choice but to do what he asks: seduce the biggest nerd on campus, Michael Gavey. Will you rock his world or will he fundamentally change yours?

This chapter: Basically angst central, confrontations all around, things get worse before they get better. And smut of course ;)

Word count: +5000

Warning for the entire fic: 18+ for explicit content and language. Kissing, oral sex (male & fem receiving), dry humping, hand job, fingering, p in v sex. First kiss and loss of virginity. Experienced reader. Enemies to lovers vibes.

Fluff, smut and of course angst (my favorite combination! lol)

This is the last chapter and I want to thank everyone for all the love on this fic! I really did not expect this little nerd to be so popular but I guess he owns us all❤️ I hope you guys like the ending, I feel like I edited too much but I really needed to send it into the world now so I can move onto another muse ;)

Read the first chapters Here

***

All my fics are also on AO3

***

The rain was pouring down hard over Oxford that week, it was barely three in the afternoon yet it was almost completely dark outside.

Inside the Bodleian library the lights were cozy and warm. It was quiet except for a handful of students sitting at the tables to read and study.

You and Michael were doing neither of those. Instead you were hiding in the back between two book shelves, his hand tangled into your hair while his lips trailed a path down your neck, leaving sloppy wet kisses all over your skin.

He had your back pressed up against his chest, trapping you between him and the books.

“Fuck,” he breathed into your ear,”I just wanna push that skirt up and shove my cock into you right here.”

To accentuate his words he moved his hips, pushing his rock hard erection against your ass.

“You wouldn’t,” you finally managed to speak, your words contradicting your actions because you were grinding back against him just as desperately.

Michael used your hair to pull you back against him, his lips grazing the shell of your ear as he whispered,”I will if you beg me.”

His hand moved from your hip down to your thighs and in between your legs, cupping your pussy over your panties, his fingers pushing just hard enough to let you feel him. He smirked at the wetness pooling through the fabric.

“Wet means you want me, right?” he teased, kissing your neck again,”Come on, sweetheart.”

“I am not going to beg, Michael, we’re in the fucking library,” you objected in a heavy whisper.

You wanted him to stop, but you also didn’t. You never should have followed him back here. You were a bad influence on him, you were both a bad influence on each other.

“Oh, so you don’t want my cock?” Michael asked with a little teasing chuckle.

He started kissing the spot right below your ear while his hand slipped inside your panties.

And again you were not stopping him, your brain was yelling at you to quit it right now and step back but your body clearly wasn’t on board with that plan.

“Michael…not in here,” you protested but then you moaned when his fingers found your clit. He circled it slowly and so skillfully you had to bite your lip to keep from moaning out loud.

He was laughing into your ear now,”Sweetheart, stop pretending, you are fucking soaked.”

You moaned again,”God, Michael, please.” 

Were you begging him to stop or to keep going? You couldn’t tell anymore, you were completely at his mercy at this point.

The nerd you had sex with for the first time less than two months ago was no longer, this Michael was a whole new man and he was the one in control now. 

You had created a monster. A monster you wanted to fuck every hour of every day.

“Michael,” you whimpered,”We shouldn’t do this in here…”

Your protest was weak and you both knew it. There was nobody around in the area of the library where you two were but you could hear voices of other students and staff way too close for comfort. If anyone caught you two the consequences could be severe, you could both lose your scholarship and get kicked out of the university.

Yet Michael didn’t seem to care at all, making no attempts to stop or slow down as he pushed a finger inside of you and made you grab the bookshelves in front of you for support.

“Fuck,” you moaned,”Why do you feel so fucking good?”

He grabbed your neck with his free hand and started kissing your shoulders while he slowly pumped his finger in and out of you, thumb teasing your clit. 

“I learned from the best,” he whispered into your ear.

“We could get kicked out,” you tried to object again but Michael just added another finger and ignored your plea, his warm mouth sucking bruises into your skin.

“Please,” you tried again,”Michael…please, we have to stop, it’s not worth….fuck…”

“I don’t care,” he moaned softly against your neck,”I’m going to fuck you right here…if we get caught we get caught…fuck it.”

You’re not sure why exactly those words made you come back down to reality but you were quick to grab his hand and finally really stop him this time.

“No. Stop,” you insisted and this time Michael obeyed instantly, sensing the urgency in your tone.

He pulled back, letting you turn around to face him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, confused.

“You do care,” you pointed out, looking into his eyes,”You could lose your scholarship, how can you say you don’t care?”

Michael just shrugged and your only reaction was to hit him on the chest.“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“It’s your fault!” he defended himself,”I want you so bad it makes me stupid.”

You knew he didn’t mean it the way it came out but the words still cut right through you. Michael knew he fucked up. He moved his hand through his hair and sighed,”I said the wrong thing again, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did.”

He placed his hands on your waist and pulled you closer,”Come here, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.”

His lips found yours in a soft kiss and your irritation melted away immediately.

“You’re right,” he then whispered,”I wasn’t thinking, and that isn’t your fault at all, I just…I’ll be more careful around campus, I promise. Are we good? Please tell me we’re good?”

You pressed your forehead against his, smiling softly when he kissed your lips again. ”Yeah, we’re good.”

“I don’t have classes for another two hours. Want to come up to my room and finish this?”

Your lips curled up into an eager smile and you nodded. Michael grabbed your hand and pulled you with him through the library and out into the rain. You stopped a few times on the way to Michael’s apartment to make out in the middle of the street, rain falling down heavily over the both of you but neither of you cared, having only eyes for each other.

As soon as you entered Michael’s room he made good on his promise. Pulling you into his arms and fucking you right there against the wall, his cargo pants down to his ankles and your panties pushed to the side. It was rushed and quick and absolutely perfect.

He made you come three more times that afternoon. Afterwards you both fell asleep on his bed, forgetting all about the studying you both had planned that day.

***

You were having coffee near the university later that week when Michael slipped into the seat opposite you, his blue eyes glowing with mischief.

He didn’t wait for you to greet him before he started rambling,“Okay, so I have this friend of a classmate who’s into IT and some other, less official, computer stuff and I told him about…your issue and he’s convinced he can help us out.’

You looked up at him over your coffee cup.”Define less official? Do you mean illegal?”

“Well,…if he can get into Ben’s computer he can delete every single file on there.”

“You mean hacking. Michael, that’s illegal,” you sighed.

“He’s done it before, it’s no big deal.”

“No big deal?” you asked, shocked,”It’s a literal crime. You’re friends with a criminal now?”

Michael gave you an annoyed glare,”He’s not my friend, and he is not a criminal, he only does this to help people out. What’s wrong? Do you not want my help now?”

“Not if it’s going to get you in trouble.”

“I won’t get in trouble.”

“Okay, I don’t want your acquaintance, the criminal, to get in trouble.”

He couldn’t help but grin at your sassy words but then he was quickly shaking his head,”We won’t get caught, and if we do…it’ll be worth it. I’m not letting that prick ruin your life.”

“What does your not-friend want in return?” you asked.

“Just some tutoring lessons,” he explained.

You sighed deeply, looking up at him.”Michael…”

“Come on, we can fix this, let me fix this for you, baby,” he begged.

“It’s illegal, Michael,” you reminded him.

“I don’t care,” he insisted.

You looked at him, at his honest eyes and the nervous yet excited smile on his lips. His cheeks blushed under your gaze and the cozy nerdy sweater he was wearing made you want to crawl into his lap and cuddle with him. 

He was so eager to help you and play the knight in shining armor. It was the library all over again, he would put all his morals and beliefs aside for you without even thinking twice about it. You knew you should feel flattered but another feeling was rapidly taking over.

The feeling that Michael was undeniably too good for you, and that you could ruin everything he’s ever wanted and worked for. 

And that it had already taken you way too long to put a stop to it.

“I can’t let you do that for me,” you then spoke softly and Michael’s face fell.

“But I want to do this for you,” he reassured you, reaching across the table to grab your hand but you didn’t take his.

“No,” you insisted,”I want you to stop.”

“Stop what? Looking out for you? Trying to protect you against that twat?”

“All of it, Michael,” you sighed,”I want to stop all of it.”

He stared at you, panic now settling in his pretty blue eyes,”All of it?”

You hadn’t even realized it until you heard yourself say the words just now but you knew it was the only way.

“That test is tomorrow, right?” you asked.

Michael nodded, still confused by your words.

“You should take the rest of the day and study.”

“I don’t need to study,” Michael interrupted you,”You know that. I'm a..."

"Genius," you interrupted him right back,"Yes I know. Then take the day to rest and get into focus. I don’t think we should hang out today.”

“Just today or…?” he asked carefully.

“You should focus on what you’re here for, Michael,” you sighed,”We both know that isn’t me.”

“But…”

“You’ve changed,” you continued,”I can see it every day, you’re more and more distracted, you’re taking risks that could impact the rest of your life and…it’s all because of me.”

Michael stayed quiet for a moment.

“Of course it’s all because of you,” he then spoke softly,”And of course I’ve changed, how can I not be? How can I spend all these weeks with you and not have it change me?”

This time you were the one who stayed silent.

“Do you think you haven’t changed?” he asked,”Because if you really haven’t then…what’s the point of all of this? What have we been doing all this time? And don’t say fucking because we both know it was more than that!”

“But it wasn’t,” you lied,”Not to me, Michael.”

You could see the exact moment his heart broke at your words.

“You’re lying,” he whispered.

“No, I’m not,” you shook your head, sounding a lot more convincing than you felt,”I used you, right from the start, and you knew that. You knew what this was."

He was fighting back tears but you couldn't stop now that you'd started.

"I liked how I felt when I was with you but that’s all it was," you added,"And I feel guilty about it now because…I realize it was cruel. And you don’t deserve that. So I’m letting you off the hook.”

“But…I…I don’t want off the hook…I…I really fucking like you…and…fuck,” Michael was struggling to find his words, shaking his head and doing his best to hide his tears from you.

“I don’t like you that way, Michael,” you whispered, as if that would somehow make your words less harsh,”I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. I should have never gotten you involved in this. I’m so sorry, I really am.”

Michael was too stunned to say or do anything else but watch you leave. 

You held it together well until the door of the coffee shop closed behind you. For once you were grateful for the rain, for at least now nobody could see your tears.

***

Weeks passed after that, without Michael. And without Ben, you kept waiting for the bomb to drop, for him to share that video and ruin your last year in Oxford. 

But it didn’t come.

You started going out with your friends again from time to time, and focussed on studying and graduating. For whatever reason Ben had kept his distance from you and as the weeks passed you were starting to forget about the whole thing. Maybe he had been all bark and no bite after all, maybe he never even intended to do anything to begin with and it was all just scare tactics. You felt bad for ever believing him but more than anything you felt relief. It was all over now.

You didn’t see Ben for an entire month, nor did you see Michael.

But without your knowledge they did see each other, once. The day after Michael’s friend of a friend hacked into Ben’s computer.

Michael was sitting in his usual spot in the library when Ben aggressively grabbed a chair and sat right next to him.

Michael kept his calm and didn’t look up to acknowledge him at first.“What do you want?” he then asked, annoyed.

“I fucking know it was you!” Ben hissed.

“You know more than I do then,” Michael stated calmly, still not looking at him.

“I know it was one of those IT computer nerds and all you fucking nerds stick together, it’s fucking obvious.”

Michael finally laid down his pen to look at him, a smug calm smile on his face,”Prove it.”

“If I could I’d have you kicked out already,” Ben sighed annoyed.

Michael just nodded,”Then why are you here?”

Ben moved his chair closer to his and looked into his eyes, his anger replaced by a smug grin,”Because…you overlooked one small thing, genius…I would have thought you computer nerds would follow your own advice but…”

“What…advice?” Michael asked, trying not to show the sudden panic caused by Ben’s words.

“Always have a back up,” Ben stated, making Michael’s stomach twist.

“You have another copy?” he realized.

“I do, yeah,” Ben smiled,”It’s on a hard drive that you guys will never get your hands on.”

“Fuck,” Michael breathed.

Ben leaned back in his chair to look at him, his grin so smug Michael wanted to punch him in the face right there.”So, I just came by to say nice try, loser.”

He got up from the chair and wanted to walk away but Michael was quick to follow him.

“Wait! Is that…is that the only other copy you have?” he asked.

Ben laughed,”It is for now, but as soon as I get my computer up and running again I guess I should make some back ups of my back up. You never know when it could come in handy.”

Michael had to stop himself from punching him in the face but Ben just walked away, not even paying Michael any more attention.

This couldn’t be how it ended, the rich kid does not get to win.

Michael was balling his fists and biting his tongue but he soon realized there was only one other thing he could do, and it played right into Ben’s hand. But it was the only way to destroy the last evidence of that video and have you be free of him.

“I can get you in!” Michael yelled after him, making Ben turn around.

“In where?” Ben asked with a laugh.

“Charter Inc.”

Ben stopped in his tracks to look at him.”You got the job,” he realized.

Michael nodded,”I got the letter last week and I had the interview on Monday.”

“Fuck, I knew I should have heard something by now,” Ben sighed,”Damned!”

“They told me in the interview they’re always on the lookout for new people, asked me if I could recommend anyone.”

“Are you serious right now? Are you making this shit up?”

”I’m serious. And I’ll be happy to recommend you.”

“You would?” Ben laughed.

“No of course not, I’d rather fucking die,” Michael confessed,”But…I’ll do it, if you do two things for me.”

 “Name it.”

“You take me up to your room right now and we destroy that copy.”

“Alright,” Ben sighed,” And the other thing?”

“You leave her alone from now on,” Michael stated firmly,“I promise to do my utter best to get you in if you do these two things for me. You have my word on that. Do we have a deal?”

Ben looked at him and then caved, nodding his head,”Fine, sure, whatever, man. If there’s a chance you can get me the job I always wanted I don’t give a fuck about some stupid sex video. But you’d better not be lying to me, Gavey, or I’m coming for you.”

Michael followed Ben out of the library and into the hallway.“That’s fine, you can come after me all you want, just…leave her alone.”

“Look at you playing the knight in shining armor,” Ben teased,”Why are you doing all this? Didn’t she dump you?”

“Yeah, she did,” Michael whispered.

“Aww, you think she’s gonna come running back into your arms when you tell her how you saved her? That’s pathetic, man.”

“No, I don’t,” he sighed.

“Then why go through all this trouble, dude? You love her or something?”

Michael shook his head and blushed,”You would’t get it.”

He didn’t tell Ben anything else.

And he didn’t tell you anything either. Not then or during the weeks after.

***

It was the day of graduation when you ran into Ben, literally, on your way out of the courtyard. The both of you dressed up to the nines to celebrate. Ben didn’t have the usual smug smile or big mouth on him this time, he just congratulated you and reassured you everything else was in the past, which was of course very easy for him to say as he hadn’t been the one on the receiving end of his empty threats.

But you couldn’t be bothered wasting any more time or thoughts on him so you just congratulated him back and then walked away.

“Hey, how’s Gavey?” he asked before you could turn your back on him.

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen him,” you confessed.

You didn’t want to talk to Ben to begin with and you definitely didn’t want to talk to him about Michael.

“Huh,” Ben looked at you confused for a moment and then smiled,”Oh wait, he never told you, didn’t he?”

“Told me what, Ben?” you asked impatiently,”I swear to god if this is another one of your tricks…”

“It’s not, I don’t…I don’t do that shit anymore, it was stupid and childish.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” you sighed annoyed,”What then?”

“You might want to thank the nerd. You dumped him and he still saved your ass, I guess I underestimated the power of your pussy, I should apologize to her.”

You wanted to punch him in the face again and this time there was nothing or nobody stopping you so you did. Your fist hit him right on the nose and he jumped back with a painful yelp.

“Apology accepted,” you nodded and turned your back on him for the very last time.

***

You searched for over an hour to find Michael, making your way through the partying crowd outside. People were cheering and drinking everywhere and you were about to give up when you suddenly noticed him standing by himself, a proud happy smile on his face as he watched the people around him.

You took a moment to just look at him from a distance. He looked just as awkward and out of place as you remembered, fiddling with his glasses and not getting too close to other people. It reminded you of that first night you’d met with him in the pub.

But despite his awkwardness he also looked genuinely happy and for a moment you contemplated just walking away and letting things be. Clearly he was doing fine without you now. Did you really have the right to put yourself into his life again after months of nothing?

But the choice was taken from you when Michael noticed you. At first he just stared with a blank expression on his face, then his hand lifted in a little hesitant wave. When you waved back he broke into a smile and walked up to you.

“Hey,” his voice was soft and so kind it made your heart soar.

“Hey,” you smiled back, and then without thinking you wrapped your arms around his neck to give him a quick hug.

Michael didn’t freeze this time. Much to your surprise he grabbed your waist to pull you close to him and hug you back, his face buried into your hair. When you pulled him even closer he followed your lead, fully enveloping you into his arms, hands caressing your back and your hair.

You could hear him sigh deeply, holding you tight while he breathed you in.

“How have you been?” he asked eventually, breaking the spell and the hug.

You leaned back to look at him,“I’m okay. You?”

He nodded shyly,”Yeah, I’m okay too.”

“Ben told me what you did.”

“Oh…that was nothing, everyone would have done it.”

You shook your head with a sad smile,”No, they wouldn’t have, Michael, especially not after what I did…I don’t deserve any of it. I was horrible to you.”

He just gave you another smile and shrugged, finally taking his hands off you and it took everything in you not to grab them tight and hold onto him.

”You were just trying to get yourself out of a difficult situation,” Michael spoke,”I’m not mad, I never was. What happened…happened.”

His kindness only made you feel even more sad.

“And it all turned out for the best, I guess?” he then added,”Ben’s gone, you’re free of him. And of me…and I’m no longer a virgin. We all won in the end, didn’t we?”

“Did we?” you sighed quietly.

Michael’s eyes rested on yours, genuinely confused by your words,”Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t…seem okay.”

You bit your lip but it was too late, tears had started falling from your eyes and you couldn’t stop them. You did your best to wipe them away quickly.

Michael stepped closer to you, looking deeper into your eyes while hesitantly placing a hand back on your waist,”What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

You bit your lip and shook your head, looking down to avoid his eyes but Michael placed a hand in your neck and forced you to look at him.

“Tell me,” he insisted, softer.

You nodded but then shook your head,”Not here.”

“Okay,” Michael agreed,”Your place or mine?”

“Yours,” you whispered.

***

Michael’s room was as immaculately clean as ever, some things clearly never changed. His suitcase was packed next to the bed, ready to leave Oxford, and you, behind.

“I’d offer you some tea but I already packed everything, I’m sorry,” Michael apologized,”Was going to head on home right after graduation.”

“You weren’t going to stay and celebrate?”

“With who?” he laughed bitterly and sat down on the sofa, eyes avoiding yours. You followed his lead and sat down next to him.

“I’m glad you got the job,” you said to break the silence between you two.

Michael nodded. “I’m not sure if it’s what I want yet.”

“Why not?” you asked surprised.

He shrugged.”It’s a big corporate firm, biggest of the country, I’d be settled for life if I do well there but…I don’t know, been thinking a lot about life and what I want lately.”

You looked at him and he didn’t hesitate to look back this time,”Being with you changed me, Y/N,” he then confessed,”I know that’s not what you want to hear but…it's a good thing. Even if it didn't end the way I'd hoped. The change is still good, and I'll never be sorry.”

“Being with you changed me too,” you confessed, shutting him up,”I’ve been trying to deny it for so long because...it's scary as fuck. But you were right, being with the right person should change you.”

Michael held your gaze, his lips curling up into the tiniest of smiles.”I was the right person for you?” he then whispered.

You nodded, unable to deny it any longer.”I think you still might be,” you sighed.

Michael didn’t speak, he only stared at you for the longest time with a serious expression on his face.

“I miss you,” you added in a whisper, tears forming in your eyes but they didn’t get a chance to fall this time because Michael caught them. His hand gently cupped your cheek, thumb brushing your skin and then he pressed his lips to yours in a soft lingering kiss.

“I miss you too,” he breathed,”Missed you every day since you left.”

He kissed you again, deeper this time, his tongue searching for yours and when you moaned into the kiss his hands moved down to your waist, pulling you close to him.

Your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him down on top of you on the couch and he followed eagerly, lips never leaving yours as he took his rightful spot in between your legs, where he belonged.

You kissed for several minutes, making up for lost time. Michael’s weight on you felt so perfect, his hands were soft as they made their way underneath your dress, pulling your panties down, just enough so he could slip his fingers underneath the thin fabric. 

You moaned his name when he started circling your clit, hips bucking up against his hand immediately, seeking his touch.

“Please,” you whimpered,”Please, I need you.”

“Hmm, I can tell,” Michael smirked,”My fingers are soaking wet and I’ve barely touched you, you missed me that much, sweetheart?”

You couldn’t help but smile in relief at the use of his pet name and the sudden confidence in him,”Yes,” you confessed,”I’ve missed you that much.”

The big grin on Michael’s face made you smile even more and just before he was about to slip a finger inside of you, you grabbed his hand to stop him, eyes locking with his.”No, not your hand this time,” you breathed and leaned in to whisper into his ear,”I need your cock.”

Michael whimpered at your words. You could have cried with how good it felt to hear those sounds coming out of his mouth again. You kissed him and your hands moved down over his ass, pushing his pants down and freeing his erection. You didn’t want to waste any more time so your hand wrapped around his length to stroke him, slow but firm, making him moan and whimper some more.

“Fuck, you’re killing me,” Michael whined,”I need…I need to be inside of you, please.”

You bit your lip and smiled, pressing your forehead to his.”I forgot how pretty you are when you beg,” you teased him, aligning the head of his cock with your entrance. 

For a long moment neither of you moved, Michael just looked at you, his eyes filled with so much longing. His thumb brushed your chin and then he placed a featherlight kiss to your lips.

“Open up to me,” he whispered and you obeyed, opening your mouth to allow him to kiss you deeper. He pushed his tongue inside of you at the same time his cock slipped into your welcoming walls.

He didn’t fuck you right away, instead he took his time just kissing you, slow and deep while he bottomed out, filling you up to the hilt. You tried to move your hips but Michael’s hand kept you in place. You wouldn’t be able to stand it for much longer, you needed friction, needed to feel him.

“Shhh,” he shook his head,”Stop fighting me.”

You whimpered in protest but nodded your head.

“Why did you come looking for me today?” he then asked.

“Michael,” you whined,”Seriously, you wanna talk now?”

“Answer the question,” he insisted.

“Fuck,” you breathed,”You know why.”

He gently cupped your cheek, taking the time to control his own breathing. You knew he was struggling just as much as you were but he seemed determined to see this through.

“Want to hear you say it,” he whispered.

“I missed you,” you confessed.

“Me? Or my cock?”

“Both.”

He couldn’t stop himself from smiling at your answer.“So, what? You want one last good fuck before we both go our separate ways and you tell me to fuck off again?” he then asked and with that question his confidence crumbled. 

And suddenly it was all you could see, not the confident man but that shy insecure boy who’d never been kissed, who turned your world upside down just by being his weird, amazing self. The boy who always said the absolute wrong thing at the wrong time. He was still right there.

The boy who fundamentally changed you. Your lips curled up into a smile and you shook your head.

“No,” you cupped his face with both hands,”I don’t want one good fuck. I want all of them, every single day, from now on, with you. If you still want me.”

Michael’s eyes closed in a heavy, relieved sigh as he leaned into you, letting you pull him into your arms.

“I still want you,” he breathed. 

It didn’t take long after that for him to finally start moving, bucking his hips against yours, slowly but with an undeniable desperation to it. The both of you were clinging to each other, breathing in each other’s moans and then Michael took up the pace, fucking you deeper and faster.

It didn’t take long for you to fall apart and Michael followed suit quickly, spilling himself deep inside of you with another delicious whine before he collapsed in your arms.

The room was quiet after that, nothing but your heavy breaths mingling and Michael’s heartbeat fast against yours. He kissed your jaw and your neck, lazy and soft until he could feel you smile against his cheek. He took off his fogged up glasses to look at you properly, the happiest of smiles on his face, warming your heart.

“So, got any plans for the summer?” you asked.

“Yeah, I do now,” he smirked before placing another lingering kiss in your neck,”You.”

[chynandri]

My Thoughts on Ratchet After 14 Years

This is nearly 5000 words of my analysis and impressions of Ratchet as a character (...there are pictures, at least 😃). I can't say I've been interested in any other character for this amount of time so - he truly is special to me. I wanted to externalize all I love and see in him in one post, more for myself than anything as I've held so many thoughts in my head for so long.

This is largely based on my own inferences. I won't bother to make proper citation or anything, it's more of a huge ramble based on me rewatching basically all cutscenes, the movie, and rereading the comics. Almost every year I do a big Ratchet and Clank marathon like this, but I might get some things wrong or skip over some things as I'm focusing on articulating my thoughts rather than being completely comprehensive.

Ratchet's Beginnings

Ratchet’s background is pretty fundamental to all this so let’s establish that first.

I will be basing this post on Ratchet as he is in the original games, but I do want to say that I like movie Ratchet too! I don't think it completely cancels out all my thoughts because imo they captured all the main traits of Ratchet. In one scene he says he wishes to 'matter'... to others, as a person, to the universe? Maybe all three. And that is truly the most concise way to describe what drives Ratchet the most.

But for now all we can do is infer on his life prior to Ratchet and Clank 1. I think it’s not too hard to make some assumptions based on the circumstances or a few lines:

1. Ratchet seems to have fended for himself/lived alone.

2. He is likely self taught on rocket mechanics and general machinery. He has an intuitive understanding of how machines generally work and wings it.

3. He has been on Veldin the whole time and never had the chance to go anywhere else. He also could not afford many things.

4. TV (or Holovision) is the most accessible form of media and likely what Ratchet grew up with, as he is aware of and looked up to heroes like Qwark and Ace Hardlight.

Given these inferences let’s look at how Ratchet behaves in 1. He awkwardly addresses authority figures, is rude to Clank and others - he’s just very blunt and critical of people’s intelligence. And why is that? Thinking of how he had to probably rely on himself first and foremost, having street smarts and situational awareness must be important to him. And that he’s likely not had friends before Clank - he’s not gonna know how to act lol. Besides that, he’s honestly just a Guy and a teenage Guy at that. This is his Very First Time outside of the backwater planet he’s been ‘stuck on’ (his words) and it’s extremely exciting for him. And what is the thing that consistently gets him excited and motivated to do things? Fame.

He loves the idea of being famous, like the celebrities he’s seen on TV and the ones he meets while on this adventure. And while this is a pretty common desire for kids, let’s think about why this is for Ratchet specifically.

We inferred that he probably has been alone up to this point. This means: no friends, no family (the movie also makes Ratchet explicitly say how he had absolutely nothing to his name.) Family as we know becomes a huge part of Ratchet’s character arc later on. No friends or family means no support system: no attention, love, or validation. You see what I’m getting at. Ratchet always responds with pride and excitement when others praise and recognize his actions - puffs up his chest and grins, it’s very goofy and all. But you have to consider how he likely just did not receive this validation much prior to 1. Now he’s doing all this stuff and getting recognition. This is how he ends up acting very selfish and self absorbed, the most prominent character flaw of his. In his eyes, Clank’s insistence on him seeing the bigger picture is just not as important as all this sudden attention and new experiences that finally validate his pretty lonely and insignificant existence.

And let’s consider that Ratchet and Clank are not even really friends until the end of the game. For the most part, they are useful to each other in their goals. When Clank claims that it ‘isn’t like Ratchet’ to not care about what’s at stake, Ratchet responds with ‘and what do you know about me?!’ - and it’s true, what DOES Clank know about Ratchet, or Ratchet know about Clank? Clank, too, hasn’t had a long time to exist yet and this is his very first friend. But he does have a natural charisma and strong sense of morality - which leads me into some more core aspects of Ratchet’s character and inner conflict.

Ratchet's Struggles

In the first game and onwards, Ratchet and Clank are kind of like rivals in certain things often for a gag. To put it simply - Ratchet has no rizz or game. Clank often catches the affections of both robot and squishy people. He DOES always know what to say without even trying. Clank always does the right thing. And that’s the thing… in these same situations of talking to girls, or making a speech or commercial - Ratchet tries too hard.

Consistently, when put on the spot, Ratchet freezes up and all his bravado is gone. He stutters and stumbles and is just a mess and Clank has to speak for them. Ratchet visibly shows how frustrating it is that Clank has more rizz than him. He’s clearly jealous of how Clank always knows what to say and do and people just seem to like him more. And his pal is the star of a TV show while he’s the bumbling side character who gets fired anyway. Not only is Clank ‘better’ than him, Clank is getting more validation and attention than Ratchet is - the one thing Ratchet has lacked in his life.

But let’s consider the first time a girl DOES actively like and pursue Ratchet - Sasha. The first time they speak is cringe but cute. Sasha is describing the state of the art gaming console on the Phoenix and Ratchet is so impressed he says in a daze ‘will you marry me? 😍’ AND IMMEDIATELY SLAPS HIS FACE cuz he really was just NOT THINKING. But Sasha doesn’t seem to mind, she goes along with it! I think she can tell he didn’t mean to. And although it’s not been long since they met, her father tells Ratchet ‘she’s said a lot about him’. And… when Ratchet is recounting his fight with the Teranoids, she’s giggling along and very engaged with how he’s acting out his story like the silly guy he is.

And although the first 3 games occasionally emphasize how heterosexually interested in girls Ratchet and Clank are based on Ratchet’s comments about girls - when Sasha kissed him he’s just… quiet and bashful and has no smartass ‘cool guy who likes girls’ comments. He obviously has no experience or idea of what really goes on with girls or relationships lol. If you think about it - has he even really tried to like… flirt? He’s all talk about it, but doesn’t seem to put it much into action. He also associates popularity with girls as a part of fame.

But - he pulled a girl without even leaning into status or fame. What I’m getting at here is: Ratchet didn’t try hard in front of Sasha and she was so endeared to him. She LIKES how goofy and cringe and, in a way, how pure he is. She was probably like ‘can you believe he wanted to marry me just because we got a PS5? Hehehe’ at her dad. He was just his cringe, rizzless self and talked to her like she’s anyone else. We can infer that Sasha, as the daughter of the President, is not used to that and likes it.

But let’s think about why Ratchet feels he’s suddenly got to be a different person when on the spot? He tries to sound cooler and more well spoken (like Clank, Qwark… people on TV!) but he’s no good without a script. In Deadlocked, he even felt like he had to rehearse a bit before calling Sasha (this is why Ratchet’s characterization there is a bit weird to me, when they’re supposed to be more comfortable around each other).

This is all indicative of how Ratchet is not confident in his sense of self - and where do we get a confident sense of identity from? Our friends, family, culture, community. Things Ratchet did not have a lot of before meeting Clank. Ratchet may have asked what Clank knows about him in the first game. But what does Ratchet even know about himself? What consistently gets Ratchet angry and protective is when Veldin ends up in danger. Veldin was really all Ratchet knew for a long time, and we can assume he sees it as part of himself. But beyond that…

This is why Clank is so… so… SO… important to Ratchet and why he could literally be nothing without Clank. Despite Ratchet being mad at Clank’s uselessness and stupidity in the first game, Ratchet is genuinely upset at the idea of losing Clank when lightning strikes him. He awkwardly suggests that he and Clank stick together at the end of the game without directly saying so. It’s his first time having a friend and wanting someone to stick around. In the end… he’s not as independent or self assured as he thought he was.

Size Matters may be a weird spin off game but it did have a pretty important line: after fighting the Ratchet clones, Ratchet tells Clank that these clones weren’t that powerful because ‘I’m not half as good without you.’ It’s a really significant thing to say, and this sentiment echoes all across the games. After all, without Clank’s robot ignition system - who knew how long it would take for Ratchet to get out of Veldin, if at all? Would Ratchet have gotten as far as he has now as a person without Clank?

It’s an admittance of how much Ratchet truly depends on Clank for self worth even if he feels inferior to him - Clank consistently supports, loves, and believes in him despite his flaws. He basically never had this presence in his life. Clank is like his whole support system while at the same time, a source of his feelings of inferiority and jealousy. Although as time goes on Ratchet does thankfully make more friends along the way. Even though Qwark is nothing but trouble to them, I suppose Ratchet still bothers with the guy cuz he’s just that loyal to the few people consistently in his life in some way.

Ratchet's Home

And this leads me to another point. Ratchet’s lack of belonging, identity, and validation ends up having him go from occupation to occupation, world ending situation to world ending situation. In the second game he is markedly different now that he’s got military training and surprisingly (to me) doesn’t question Fizzwidget that much (though the goofy rough parts of his personality still shine through while out in the field). Then he’s the captain of the Phoenix for a while. But overall he’s just kinda unemployed until he’s gotta shoot people and save the world. When given a sense of purpose and belonging he seems serious about it, though how long he has a purpose and group to belong to is relatively inconsistent.

Aside from the meta circumstance that the Ratchet and Clank games needed a new plot, it’s in the Future trilogy where Ratchet started thinking deeper about his origins. As we often have new revelations or thoughts about ourselves and past as we get older, I think Ratchet finally started to realize… there’s quite a big thing missing from his life - which to him was his ‘normal’. Why IS he one of the few lombaxes in the universe? Why did they leave HIM behind? You can imagine the amount of sad thoughts from just asking that question, when coupled with his already shaky sense of self worth.

The way Ratchet acts in Tools of Destruction is interesting. Although he could hardly be qualified as an expert on his own species cuz he’s never even been a part of lombax society - this is something Talwyn does not hesitate to tease him about, which he seems to not take so well. Yeah he gets it, he’s a disappointing representation of his people. And for some reason he acts like the spokesperson for lombaxes when they come under fire by Tachyon. He takes it all SO personally, as if he invented the dimensionator himself. Which then really becomes all about how he’s invented a series of not too successful inventions and sees Clank as someone who doesn’t support him enough. He uses the lombaxes as a way to validate himself: ‘oh, so a lombax can’t invent anything useful?’ he says derisively at Clank and you know it’s not JUST about the lombaxes as a group. Here he is finally finding the reason for why he is the way he is and that his inherited inventive spirit just isn’t appreciated enough. With the way this games story makes Ratchet feel stupid and inadequate at every turn for his lack of connection to the lombaxes, I can see why his worst personality traits jumped out with all his insecurities.

I think Ratchet wanted to lift himself up by association with the lombaxes, to say he IS lombax enough and he knows what it means to be one! Which then made him lose sight of what really mattered - destroying the dimensionator before it breaks the universe and no one is safe. And ironically, when Ratchet realizes this and refuses Tachyon’s offer to see his family, Ratchet embodied the heroism of lombaxes more than when he was trying too hard to prove he was one.

Now put into perspective how Clank fully finds HIS own purpose and origins in this trilogy. I read an interesting YouTube comment on a Size Matters cutscene video that said something like ‘Ratchet is so against the idea of technomites and the Zoni being real, because he always had a feeling Clank was meant for something more and admitting they were real is like losing his friend.’ I thought this was so profound because Clank truly is all he has and could leave him when he’s found his own purpose and family.

Especially since for a while, Ratchet was prepared to do so himself after learning that there is a chance to save his family with the Great Clock. Even if it meant not ever meeting or remembering Clank, the biggest person in his life. But Ratchet's character truly reaches its most mature in ACiT. Instead of reacting negatively to Clank finding his own home and family while having a possible means of fulfilling Ratchet and Alister's desires - Ratchet is supportive and willing to let go of Clank. Because after all, they have to be their own people and Clank has supported him long enough. Just because Clank has found where he belongs, doesn't give Ratchet any right to selfishly keep Clank to himself. I feel so proud of Ratchet in ACiT, as it was clearly hard for him to let go of such an important person in his life. But the combination of what he learned in ToD and from Alister's own life led him to be at his best in this game.

(But come on they're so inseparable there’s no way Clank would be happy without Ratchet either. Because that’s HIS very first friend in the whole universe that gave HIM a place to call home even if it’s just the two of them in a small garage. It’s RATCHET who decided that he wanted to actually be friends with Clank, beyond fulfilling their goals, at the end of the first game. They’re… each other’s home 😭)

Alister represented a major turning point in Ratchet's own definition of himself. And in the end he chose not to be like Alister, to not let his identity as a lombax control his life. Unlike Alister, Ratchet isn't bound to a childhood of belonging to lombax culture and society. And though Ratchet shared Alister's goal for some time, the way Ratchet goes back to rescue Alister when he was captured just goes to show that Ratchet won't think like him. It's just not in Ratchet's character as we know it to forsake the present when up to now he has always, always been about loving and enjoying the present moment and all he could do in it. From Ratchet chastising Clank for not being able to have fun, to being a guardian of all that he loves in the present... it is a beautiful progression of Ratchet's character.

Ratchet so far has been given two chances to finally reach what he thinks should validate his own existence. But he chose to protect the present, the universe he lives in, the people who already give him a sense of self - most importantly, he chose self-determination.

However, he didn't know he would lose Alister with this choice. But it was out of his control, as Alister was too far gone and would act regardless of what Ratchet said. The shock of not only losing someone like family to him, but the sole link to his past and family sends Ratchet into depression and grief. His choice to own his life is not made with triumph as it should've been, but with deep regret and fear. From this point on he truly has a different vibe to him. His energy is dimmed, he gets down on himself more easily. He had his fill of the validation of being a hero, and with Clank choosing to remain with him he's content to retire from it all and try to go back to the things that defined him from the very beginning.

And exactly so as in the comics he went back to Veldin and being a mechanic. Though Ratchet seems his usual, careless self the comics reveal the huge amount of underlying emotions Ratchet has been struggling with in the aftermath of ACiT. The comics have Ratchet going through an utterly terrible time, as someone whose mental health is already fragile: Veldin is in danger once again, Clank recklessly kills himself for an hour, and he nearly lost Talwyn for good. Ratchet almost loses the three crucial things that defined him. Talwyn, Clank, and Sasha help Ratchet work through his guilt over what happened and taking time for himself, while also making a point of how self-isolation isn't healthy for him.

And eventually, Ratchet does get back on his feet and involved with his friends again - but not unscathed, as one major issue would still affect him. The pain of loss leaves Ratchet with a deep fear of experiencing, or being the cause of it, again. And this wound would be reopened too soon with Into the Nexus where we see him struggle to cope with losing Cronk and Zephyr on his watch - if the events of the comics weren't enough...

Watching the scene with him hiding in the crate and refusing to come out, the distance between the goofy and prideful kid we used to know and Ratchet as he is now has not felt more evident. Into the Nexus really highlights how Ratchet at this point just wants a secure and permanent place to belong to. Tal is so important because she may really be one of the few people who could understand and relate to Ratchet. Her family is missing too, she’s been lonely her whole life too. She is a link to lombax culture. She was there for him when he lost Clank. They see themselves in each other, and I think the opening scene of this game speaks a lot to how comfortable and perhaps emotionally reliant they are on each other.

It‘s understandable that Ratchet would let go of the pursuit of finding the lombaxes for someone who not only needs him, loves and supports him just as he is - but also someone he almost lost for good. She is also home and his family, even when or if Clank chooses to go back to his Clock duties. Ratchet just doesn’t want to lose anyone else, can’t handle the possibility of losing one more person - so he finally decides to end his eternal search for purpose, belonging, and validation and cling onto his sources of such things that were in front of him the whole time.

But as fate would have it, Insomniac really will drag out this whole finding the lombaxes thing even longer lol. This is the logical conclusion to the Ratchet and Clank story as of now, so Ratchet isn’t allowed to give up just yet.

Ratchet's Heart

WHY I started thinking so deeply about Ratchet’s character is because of how he is in Rift Apart. I LOVE Ratchet and Kit’s friendship so much because it highlights and reveals so much about each other!!! There’s probably a reason why Kit and Ratchet share a colour palette, and it’s because they’re kinda parallels:

1. They’ve let bad experiences in the past control their present and future - but it limits their world as a result. (Interestingly, Alister also let the past rule his life. But he was so obsessed with righting the past that he would endanger the present. Ratchet learned what not to do from Alister, but he kinda ended up being a different version of him.)

2. They’re both afraid of getting hurt and causing hurt - so they avoid it. They both have a tendency to hide away when feeling bad about themselves. They’re both seen as cowardly for this (Vendra and Rivet judging Ratchet for being too scared to find the lombaxes).

3. Ratchet’s advice to Kit when it comes to socializing is ‘don’t overthink it.’ I’d love to make a connection here to how Ratchet would overthink what to say on the spot or overcompensate for himself in the past.

Kit is potentially dangerous and doesn’t know how to be a friend. She’s caused real hurt before. But Ratchet accepts and believes in her, and is adamant about expanding her world, seeing all the good in her, and encouraging her to grow. Ratchet knows what it’s like to not be perfect, to be stuck somewhere, to make mistakes, and be rough around the edges. I believe this is why he is so kind to Kit, providing the validation and belonging and opportunity he would’ve wanted for himself.

And it’s to Kit that he opens up about his anxieties. Ratchet’s true feelings about finding the lombaxes… he’s so… defeated, unsure and doesn’t think much of himself anymore. This was also evident in how anxious he was about the parade celebrating them at the beginning of the game. Yet another indicator of how different Ratchet is now - younger him would’ve loved all the attention even if ‘unearned’ (cuz they haven’t been a hero for a few years). It’s crazy because he’s done SO MUCH and yet - from the way he talks to Kit he still doesn’t feel like he measures up to how great the lombaxes are. Or his parents, judging by his apologetic tone when he explains that his dad tried so hard to keep the dimensionator safe.

And let’s think on this idea of not measuring up - his self worth issues, he’s not exactly a successful inventor, overall flawed and clumsy personality, seems to only be useful for shooting some bad guys, plus not being able to prevent the deaths of some people very important to him - it becomes clear why he thinks so little of himself in comparison to the lombaxes legacy of being brilliant heroes and creators. Beyond the misfortunes that seem to happen around the dimensionator, Ratchet’s problems stem far deeper into his sense of self. So he tells Kit that even if the lombaxes are the perfect family - would they be disappointed in him, or he disappointed in them? He also doesn’t want to lose the life he has now, not when it has finally given him some stability.

But it is Ratchet’s very own kindness and faith in her that allows Kit to turn this issue on its head and address the crux of the problem and reveal the precious thing that ultimately defines Ratchet and his identity - perhaps more than wanting to matter and belong, what he had almost lost over the course of his life up to now.

I would like to say that in a word, Rift Apart is about possibilities. The alternate counterparts of Ratchet’s world and all the implications of it exemplify this.* The Clank sections directly use this word I believe, as he helps Gary fix the dimensions.

*(I don't know where else to fit this observation, but the ways Rivet and Ratchet contrast are somewhat relevant. Rivet, unlike Ratchet, has friends and a group to belong to earlier on in her story - so she doesn't end up falling into the same character pitfalls of being selfish or self absorbed. She and Clank share that big picture awareness. But she's lonely in a different way: having to be strong for herself and everyone else, she's a Ratchet that doesn't know how to be open and vulnerable. I just wanted to point out how cool it is that they considered all this as a 'counterpart' to Ratchet.)

‘Possibility’ is also probably… at the very heart of Ratchet’s character.

One of Ratchet’s defining character traits is his recklessness. He risks too much, takes too many shortcuts, doesn’t think enough when he should. But this is precisely why Ratchet is amazing at the same time. Of course it’s good he grew more careful as he got older. But the big thing to take away from his anxiety about finding the lombaxes and him wanting to stay safe and content with what he has is that - he’s almost lost that crazy and beautiful ability to risk it all and take a chance. Namely, on himself. And it’s ironic because he convinced Kit to risk it all and be friends with him, to go out into the world she’s so afraid of! And this is exactly what Kit points out to him, and expresses her belief that finding the lombaxes will turn out alright for him - even if he still struggles to believe so.

In the way he loves living in the moment, pushing himself to the limits, making weird inventions, pulling off unsafe stunts, throwing together scraps to fix and modify things against better judgement, trying to beat the odds, befriends strange little robots that are just as odd as him - Ratchet thoroughly, intrinsically embodies possibility. If you have nothing to define you, then you have so much freedom to define yourself. And that has been Ratchet’s whole life. Being able to not only think of all that’s possible, but being brave and silly enough to try to achieve them - that in itself, is an extremely valuable gift.

Ratchet is just not the same anymore because he is scared to be and act on what is the most natural and fundamental to him as a person - lest it lead to immense pain and loss. And as I have established multiple times in this post: Ratchet is at his best when he allows himself to just be… himself without pretense. Perhaps Clank knows or doesn’t know this, but he took it upon himself to try to help Ratchet find what makes him whole and himself again. Because the people around Ratchet can see that him completely giving up on what is in his heart would be truly sad and a loss to the universe he loves so much.

Ratchet and Clank were always meant to keep expanding their universe and themselves! That is the very spirit that propels this franchise. And by the end of Rift Apart, and even if Ratchet is still scared - he’s going to find the lombaxes, scared. He’s not going to give up on himself anymore: just as he didn’t want Kit to give up on herself, didn’t want Rivet to give up on Kit, and how Clank never ever gave up on him, believing in the possibility of him being a good and worthwhile person from the very start.

I feel really optimistic for Ratchet and wonder how they will (possibly?) end his character arc in the next game. I’m deeply grateful that Insomniac still cares about this franchise, and cares about Ratchet as a character so much. It truly is a unique privilege, I think, to see one character’s story develop and grow and change over a decade. I love Ratchet and all he is and represents so, so much.

[isagrimorie]

So I was just reading through a Daystrom post about Voyager, I like Daystrom on reddit because it goes in depth and posters there don’t go off the rails with vitriol (it still happens though).

Anyway this was a years old post about a realistic take on Voyager and through most of it I find it interesting and then hit this:

In keeping with the idea that the Maquis would have a much more (for lack of a better word) down-to-Earth perspective on going it alone in a hostile environment, I could actually picture Chakotay or even Tuvok advocating for regime change against stronger hostile alien powers that Voyager might be dealing with for an extended period of time. This wouldn't come from a place of inherent violence or bloodlust from either man, but from a simple place of it being their best chance for survival. For example, in "Year of Hell", we learn that Krenim space extends for 5000 parsecs - that's 16,000 light-years. It would take Voyager well over a decade to clear it (almost two decades). In a situation where the leader of the Krenim government was actively aggressive against Voyager, and the crew had an opportunity to replace him with someone more friendly, I think Chakotay or Tuvok might push Janeway to authorize a CIA-like operation to do it. Of course, making friendly contact would always be the preferred option, but for the more hostile and extreme situations Voyager's foreign policy may end up looking more like that of Section 31.

Ex. Cuse. Me????

You mean war crimes?? Actual war crimes!

Trek folk always accuse Janeway or Voyager of not going fast as possible or breaking the Prime Directive and then suggest this!

Also, Chakotay and Tuvok? LOL. I don’t know if OP was paying attention closely but neither men have the stomach for such actions.

The time they convinced Janeway to roll around in the mud with the Kazon, both Chaktoay and Tuvok balked at the dirty work that had to be done. It’s why after that moment whenever they brought in some morally questionable but logical tactic Janeway’s shuts them down. She knows them, loves them, and know they would have cold feet immediately.

And then the OP added things from Ron Moore, the vaunted What He Would Change— there were some good ideas but also these are the takes that made me realize I would hate his version of Voyager.

Much like I ended up disliking most of BSG.

"When we were talking story before the season began, I thought, 'One of the shows you should do is the trial of Captain Janeway. You should have the crew, one day, put her on trial.' That would be a real major thing in [the] life of the ship, if the crew can do that, if they really have the power to take command away from her at any moment. If they are really willing to put her under that kind of microscope, it calls into question the entire structure of the show, the entire social fabric, the command structure. Why are we behaving in this way? Why do we hew to these rules anymore? Do the rules still apply to us? What do we find within the rules that work? What do we find that doesn't work? What does it say about Janeway? I thought that there is ground to play there."

I’m glad this didn’t happen because this is another show entirely— it belongs on a different franchise.

I don’t mind Janeway being questioned and challenged and Trial episodes would be good and some friction would be good. But a full scale mutiny? On the first woman Captain? The Optics would be terrible, and putting Janeway on trial for what??

Didn’t Sisko, on his watch Poison a whole damned planet and didn’t even get a slap on the wrist? He got celebrated for it.

And I love Sisko but every-time people mention Janeway never faced the consequences of her actions away with everything… this is the kind of thinking that got Janeway killed in the Litverse because the writers thought she needed to be brought down a peg.

So no thank you on that.

[ladysomething]

I just saw the ask where you mentioned that each chapter is about 10k, and even though I technically knew that because I see the fic’s word count update every time you post, I don’t think I was fully processing just how long each chapter was—it’s not like ao3 has page breaks or a word count at the end of each chapter or anything. And now I feel like I need to just send you an ask to say thank you SO MUCH for writing all of your fics and choosing to share them with us!!!

I am currently dying a slow and painful death while trying to finish up a 5000 word academic paper, and I know it’s not quiteeee the same, but the fact that you write DOUBLE that almost every week and share it *for free* is crazy!!! And I am so so so grateful that you do. And I am so so so in awe of your talent!!! Thank you for being so generous to us all!! <3

oh bless you. this is very sweet and thoughtful.

I am definitely working my ass off lol, but rest assured that I wouldn't be going so hard if I couldn't do it/you guys weren't so supportive.

and honestly, your constant excitement and gratitude gives me all the external motivation I need to make this happen - which is way easier than the internal motivation needed for an academic paper!!! when I did my degree, I struggled to write 2-3k essays, and then to unwind I'd be like "great now I will write a 5k fic in one day:)"

I hope your paper gets finished and kicks ass!!!

[coockie8]

i was kinda low key wondering why chapter 2 was taking so long since youre usually pretty quick with fics youre really interested in writing but then i saw it was like almost 5000 words long and i get it now lmao

lol yea This is what I meant when I said Cult of Desire is going to be my longest by word count.

Given it relies a lot on my own original lore, there's gonna be a lot more set up in certain areas for this fic than there normally would be in other fics I've written, 'cause I can't reasonably assume you guys are gonna already know what I'm talking about, like I can in regular fics; how could you? I wrote this lore haha

There will obviously be aspects that contradict established world rules for FMA in this fic, but that should be expected, as Cosmic Horror is, by definition, the concept of contradicting the established rules of reality and the fear and madness that comes from that; given that Ed low key comes across as an annoying Redditor at times, there's gonna be quite a bit of back and forth between him and the Cult members.

[invinciblerodent]

Writing Interview Tag Game

Tagged by @ra-scheln – thank you dear! ❤��

When did you start writing?

I feel like there is almost never a set date for anyone- I never really considered myself a writer, I still don't fully embrace it as a label any more than I do many others, but it's very much in that "technically true" vein of things- I don't think of myself as a writer, but I do write, and have been writing most of my life.

The first story I ever consciously remember writing was a lengthy (and objectively terrible) story I wrote around the time I was maybe 11 or thereabouts, though- kind of a fairytale paranormal romance before I would have ever found out what that meant, involving wisecracking frogs, and the three little pigs, and some sort of an ancient curse, and it stretched quite luxuriously across roughly 120 single-spaced pages that -true to form for me- were never posted anywhere.

It was utterly gratuitous, masturbatory, filled with the most horrible purple prose in existence, and I will never stop feeling regretful over losing it to a simple hardware upgrade.

I really wish I could re-read it now, at 30, and maybe get back a little bit of that unapologetic confidence and drive to just write what the fuck ever I feel like writing, without feeling the eyes of an imaginary critic burning holes into the back of my head.

Are there different themes or genres that you enjoy reading than what you write?

While I'm most interested in writing navel-gaze-y, introspective character-pieces and romance/fantasy (romantasy? is that what the kids are calling it now?), I do like to consider myself an omnivore, when it comes to reading.

I generally read a lot of literary- and historical fiction, SF, fantasy, a couple thrillers here and there- though there are topics I don't gravitate towards, I don't exactly discriminate against any genre, and I try to keep a varied diet of pulp- and high-brow literature alike, lol.

Some books I've really loved over these past few years are (hold on, scanning my shelf here) Min Jin Lee's "Pachinko", Ursula K. Le Guin's "The Left Hand of Darkness", Raphael Bob-Waksberg's "Someone Who Will Love You In All Your Damaged Glory", and Iona Grey's "Letters to the Lost". That's an award-winning saga novel, a genre classic, a contemporary collection of short stories, and a very good romance novel, lol.

Although I do admit, reading tends to fall by the wayside in my most active writing periods, which is whenever I get super absorbed in a particular video game, lol.

Can you tell me about your writing space?

I don't actually have a dedicated writing space. Over the past while, I've realized that I most like writing by hand, in coffee shops mainly- which may make me look a touch obnoxious, but it's just the way my brain and hand work the best together. (I handwrite slower than I type, so it's easier to get into that ~~flow~~ state because I have time to think without pausing, and with the background noise being just at the right level, I can babysit an americano for hours at a time.) If I'm writing on the computer, it generally falls more into the realm of editing.

I don't exactly have a preference when it comes to the space itself, but the stationery is crucial. I'm very particular about the pen I use (it has to be a Zebra Superfine H-5000- I've been using them exclusively for like ten years now, and unfortunately you can't really get refills for them, but they're like a dollar each, and they last bloody forever), and slightly less particular about notebooks, but I still have strong preferences there too (lined paper, hard cover, not terribly ugly- which is harder to find than one would think).

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I don't typically try on a conscious level, but sometimes, just that dedicated action of putting my notebook away, and walking to the coffee shop gets the words rolling. Often I find myself starting to tell myself the story on the way, and then I'm kind of playing catch-up with myself, once I actually get there.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing?

Disappointment, mostly. "Wasted" potential, reclamation of personal choice, and the deeply personal act of mourning the self that died so that another may live. What-ifs, maybes, could-have-beens. The things we want to want.

.................. also dicks. Dicks are a big part of it.

What is your reason for writing?

There's no real reason, I think. I thought about this one for a long time, but I can't phrase it any better than prev: the words just have to go somewhere.

Besides, if I'm not writing, I'm crafting. If I'm not crafting, I'm drawing. If I'm not drawing, I'm designing, baking, making something. I'm always making something.

Is there any kind of specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

I haven't published much of my writing over the past few years, but from what I've gotten, "It feels like you really know this character" is the comment I keep coming back to in my mind.

I got that one on a silly, smutty fic from like 2016, and it really gave me pause. It really got stuck in my mind.

It's been many years since, and I still catch myself smiling whenever I write a line of dialogue that feels quintessential to a particular character. I found that really encouraging.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I... I'm still kind of unpacking whether I want to be thought about at all. Whether I want to be perceived. You know, the terrifying ordeal of being known, and all that.

I think the way I want to be known is how a pet fish knows its owner, you know? Like I arrive occasionally, at a reliable, if nebulous time, and they kind of have a vague idea of what I am, but mostly I just bring them food, dump it in the water, and disappear while they voraciously consume whatever it was that was dumped in there.

If goldfish were terminally horny and could leave comments but expected no response, they'd be the ideal audience for me.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I want to say maybe... evocative imagery, and dialogue. I like to get somewhat poetic with my descriptions and I feel like I'm rather good at grasping somewhat powerful images through minute details, that's something I know I have a lot of fun writing. I also enjoy the process of trying to find words that feel like they sit right in a certain character's mouth.

If someone were to actually say "he would not fucking say that" to me, I think I would mentally walk into the nearest ocean.

How do you feel about your own writing?

.... Insecure. Apologetic. Fearful, in a way I'm well aware I shouldn't be.

I have tried to blame the fact that English is my second language, and there is a kernel of truth in there, but I know that's... kind of bullshit. I know my linguistic prowess is not exactly the issue here (if I may, bigger idiots than me have done it, I've a darling friend who can absolutely testify), it's literally just the confidence that I lack.

I'm also apologetic in tagging, or promoting my work whenever I do end up posting something, because I know it's not going to have mass appeal, or I know it's not going to be interesting to a lot of people even of the ones following me, and that completely undue, asinine embarrassment is definitely holding me back within my writing as well.

This is why I enjoy handwriting most I think, because that, I know is for me.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

It's purely for myself, and this ties into the previous answer- I know I write my best when it's utterly self-indulgent. But that's also the shit that makes me feel the most naked emotionally, so it's hard to bring myself to want to subject myself to any kind of scrutiny.

This really is the fucking duality of man, to crave validation but hiss and sneer at anything that might invite it, lol.

Anyway, I think if you guys are up for it, I'd like to tag @sketchyelvenasss and @lindira, and of course anyone who feels like it. ❤️

(Please do excuse me for the copious amounts of whining in this post lol, I have realized in myself that once I come closer to filling a new notebook I always get a bit emotional about my stuff, and I've like 10 pages left on my current one. Prime angsting-time.)

[summerwritesfics]

🗺️Neon Reapers Rake The Streets

Pairing: Hanzo Hasashi/Kuai Liang Length: 2170 Words Rating: Mature Warnings: Cyberpunk AU, Medical Scientist!Kuai Liang, Criminal!Hanzo Hasashi, Teenager!Frost, Teenager!Takeda Takahashi, On The Run, Forced Into Hiding, Fake IDs, Kuai Liang is Frost’s Dad, Hiding, Dystopia AU-Gust 2024 Day 29: Forced Into Hiding

AU-Gust 2024 Masterlist

Notes: Man, I can’t believe I’m almost done with AU-Gust 😅 I dunno where the month has gone, but, hey lol. Title is from Moonlight Rendezvous by Beast In Black.

Kuai Liang gently tugged on Frost’s arm, pulling her a little closer to him.

The police walked past them without really acknowledging they were there. He was thankful for that, but it didn’t mean they could lower their guard. All it would take was one asking to see some form of ID and they’d be screwed.

“Keep close,” he whispered to the teenager, scanning their surroundings. They weren’t too far from their destination, he just had to hope no one would take too much notice of them before they arrived. “Remember what to do if someone spots us?”

“Throw punches and run, ask questions later,” Frost confirmed, scooting a little closer to her father when some men walked past them. They weren’t in uniform but that didn’t mean they weren’t police or even if not, wouldn’t hand them over immediately if confronted.

“Atta girl,” he whispered, grinning at the proud sounding huff she made. In an ideal world, he’d never have to teach her something like that. But he’d long stopped hoping for the world to get better.

They finally came to the alley they needed to go down, and they slipped down it, making sure no one saw them. People didn’t exactly go down alley’s and side streets, unless they had business there. And the businesses there tended to be on the less legal side. So, you didn’t really want people to see you go down one.

They reached a door, and Kuai Liang hit a button on a speaker. A few seconds later, a voice came through questioning “yes?”

“Shirai Ryu,” Kuai replied, hoping to God he’d pronounced the password correctly.

He must have, as the door clicked to unlock and Kuai Liang quickly made his way in. Inside there was a staircase that he and Frost carefully climbed. It led up to somewhat of an open plan living space, although it was so cluttered Kuai Liang wondered how on Earth anyone could live like that. There was a boy around Frost’s age sitting on a table, some sort of robot in his hand. Then there was an adult man, sitting in a spinning chair and staring at Kuai Liang expectantly.

“Um. Hanzo Hasashi?” Kuai Liang asked the man, who narrowed his eyes. “I… Have been told you make fake IDs?”

“I do.” Hanzo rolled his shoulders while tilting his head. “They aren’t cheap, though.”

“Name your price, I will pay,” Kuai offered. His contact had already given him an estimate, so he roughly knew what to expect.

Hanzo didn’t react much, just continued to look at Kuai with suspicion. “10000 credits. Each.”

Kuai sucked in his breath a little, that was much more than he was expecting. He needed the IDs though, especially for Frost. Keeping her safe was his highest priority, and he’d pay a million credits if he had to. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small bag. Physical money was a rarity these days, but essential for things like this. Digital money could be traced, no matter how the government claimed it couldn’t.

“There’s 15k in there,” he answered, holding the bag out to Hanzo. The other man snatched the bag, and began to go through it. “I’ll give you the remaining 5000 once you’ve completed them.”

Hanzo started laying out the small pieces of metal on his table, clearly counting them to work out if Kuai was indeed telling the truth. Eventually he’d emptied out the bag, and he huffed. He swept the money back into the bag and placed it on the desk. He stared at it long and hard, before turning that glare back onto Kuai Liang.

Before Kuai could say anything, one of Hanzo’s computer screens sprung to life, indicating an incoming video call. Hanzo stared at it with a raised eyebrow, briefly turning to Kuai Liang.

“Step back a little further, so you aren’t in the video,” Hanzo advised, and Kuai did as he was told. “There.” Hanzo turned back to his computer and answered the call. Kuai had to stop himself from audibly swallowing when he recognised the man whose face filled the screen. “Quan Chi. Can I help you?”

“Good evening, Hanzo, I do apologise for the sudden call,” Quan Chi greeted, smiling darkly. Kuai could feel himself starting to shake, hoping to god Hanzo was right and he couldn’t be seen here. He felt Frost take his hand and squeeze. How bad was it his own daughter was having to comfort him? “You see, I am currently looking for someone, and I suspect he’ll be within your walls asking for one of your IDs soon.”

“And?” Hanzo questioned, sounding incredibly bored.

“Now Hanzo, you know our deal. I look the other way regarding your business in exchange for you giving me information that I need.” Well, Kuai supposed that explained why Hanzo’s business had managed to survive this long. Quan Chi hit a few buttons, before a photograph popped up on the screen.

A photograph of Kuai Liang.

“Has this man contacted you at all?” Quan Chi tilted his head slightly, and Kuai had to put a hand over his mouth. Part of him considered just bolting there and then. Maybe he could find someone else to make them the IDs.

“No. Never seen him before,” Hanzo casually replied with probably the best poker face Kuai had ever seen. Just because he was denying having met Kuai didn’t mean they were in the clear. “What’s he done?”

“Oh, you know that’s confidential information, Hanzo,” Quan Chi claimed, wagging his finger back and forth in denial.

“You know I have a child to look after right? At least tell me if this man is dangerous,” Hanzo growled, and Kuai flinched. He wasn’t dangerous, at least, he didn’t want to be. He would fight if it meant Frost’s safety however.

“No, he’s not dangerous,” Quan Chi assured him, and Kuai was at least glad he hadn’t tried to make it seem like Kuai would hurt anyone. “I just really need to speak with him, and he’s unfortunately decided he wants to be difficult about it.”

“Well, I haven't seen him, but if I do, I will let you know,” Hanzo offered, shrugging like that was the best he could do.

“He might be with a young lady, his daughter I believe. If it comes to it, use her to keep him long enough for me to collect him.” That made Kuai grab Frost to him and hold her closer. He knew Quan Chi wouldn’t hesitate to harm her in order to get to him, but even he was shocked to hear him come out with that so casually.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Hanzo muttered, thankfully sounding unhappy about the suggestion. “Anything else I should know?”

“No. No, that’s all.” Quan Chi waved his hand dismissively. “Do let me know if you see him.”

And with that, the video shut off. The room was silent for an extremely uncomfortable amount of time. Slowly Hanzo turned in his chair, staring Kuai Liang down and making him feel sick all over again.

“What does he want with you?” Hanzo forcefully asked, and Kuai looked down to the ground. “I won’t make the IDs unless you give me an explanation.”

Kuai closed his eyes, before quietly replying “my name is Dr. Song Kuai Liang, I am a scientist. He wants to use some of my discoveries and advancements for…”

Somehow he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He still remembered Quan Chi coming to his lab, taking an intimate interest in his work, particularly his medical technology. Only, unlike Kuai’s intention of saving lives, Quan Chi saw how they could be adapted to harm. Kuai refused, even when he was offered enough money that he could have set both himself and Frost up for life.

Unfortunately, Quan Chi was not the sort of man who took no for an answer.

Hanzo suddenly sighed. “Takeda, take Dr. Song’s daughter to make yourselves something to eat, okay?”

Kuai looked up in time to see the boy pushing himself off the table and looking towards Frost. She looked at Kuai as if for permission. He was hesitant, but they’d not managed to eat at all today. Eventually he nodded, and she gave a quick squeeze of his hand before walking to follow Takeda. They began to chat amongst themselves, but by the time they left the room, Kuai couldn’t tell what they were talking about.

“Sit down,” Hanzo ordered, patting a seat next to him. Kuai gave a resigned sigh, pushing himself off the wall and walking over to him. He took the chair, staring down at his lap and refusing to meet Hanzo’s gaze. “What sort of scientist were you?”

“Medical science, mostly,” Kuai admitted, fiddling with his fingers. “I was working on implants and nanotechnologies that could repair internal damage from injury.”

“And… Quan Chi believed he could use that to hurt people?” Hanzo sounded confused, and Kuai couldn’t blame him. While he’d been coming up with his ideas, he could have never imagined they could be perverted from their intended use until Quan Chi came along.

“He saw what I had made, and seemed to immediately know how to turn them into weapons.” He finally looked up, and was surprised when Hanzo’s stern expression had softened greatly. “For example, he believed implants could have weaponry inside them, or come with added strength or other tactical advantages. My nanotechnology could be manipulated to either make unkillable super soldiers or used to create entirely man made viruses…”

“Trust him to come up with shit like that,” Hanzo muttered, rolling his eyes. Clearly, despite their supposed deal, he didn’t think much of Quan Chi. “So. You refused him, and now he’s hunting you down to force you to work for him?”

“Something like that.” Honestly he had no idea what Quan Chi’s plan was once he’d gotten ahold of him. With how fiercely Quan Chi was hunting him down, Kuai could only imagine how far he’d be willing to go. “Look, I will understand if you can no longer do my ID, but please at least do my daughters.” He held his hands together in front of his chest. “She didn’t deserve to be pulled into this. The ID could help her live a normal life, even if it’s away from me.”

“I will make your IDs,” Hanzo assured him and Kuai almost cried from relief. “It’ll take a few days, do you have anywhere safe to stay until then?”

“Not really,” Kuai admitted with a sad smile. “But we’ll make do.”

“I have some friends, they owe me a few favours, they may be able to offer you somewhere safe.” Hanzo turned back to his computer, pulling up a list of contacts. “Of course, you do know that the IDs alone won’t save you?”

“I know,” Kuai nodded, because really, even if the regular police fell for the IDs, the second someone in the know saw Kuai’s face he’d be caught. “I have a brother. A bit of a technophobe, he lives up on the mountains. He’ll let us lay low there, but we can’t get out of the city without an ID, and our real ones will come up with all sorts of red flags.”

“You aren’t wrong, but I wouldn’t be surprised if your photograph is all over their terminals.” Hanzo rubbed his chin. “Especially since Quan Chi seems to have correctly guessed you would be seeking a fake ID.”

“True,” Kuai sighed, throwing his head into his hands. “I’ve fucked up our entire lives, haven’t I?”

“No. You aren’t responsible for any of this,” Hanzo claimed, reaching over to pat Kuai Liang’s thigh. “The friends who owe me a favour, they might be able to help you leave the city also.” Hanzo clicked a button on his computer. “I’ve asked them to call me when they can. Until then, when was the last time you ate?”

“Yesterday,” Kuai told him with a laugh.

“In that case, let’s get something to eat, and we can iron out some of the details for your ID.” Hanzo pushed himself to stand, before holding out his hand to Kuai Liang. “I promise you Dr. Song, I will do everything in my power to make sure Quan Chi does not get his hands on you or your daughter.”

Kuai wasn’t sure why Hanzo would bat for him so hard, a stranger he barely knew. Yet, he believed him when he said that. He could have immediately ratted him out to Quan Chi, but he didn’t. That had to be worth putting his trust in him, right?

Kuai Liang reached forward, putting his hand in Hanzo’s, and letting the other man pull him up, then gently guide him through the piles of belongings scattered around the room.

Maybe there was still some hope of the world being better. As long as there were still strangers who were guided by kindness, there was still hope.

[koffeesfancy]

Almost 5000 words of this Lila oneshot and I really want to add like 2 more parts lol. Would y'all read a 7500 word fic? Maybe I should break it up into 2-4 parts

[unforth]

Finished my fourth MTM fill and my third Rare Kink Buffet fic! @duckprintspress I've also jumped days again, this is actually for day 6 (time loop). Oops?

Yep, another unrevealed work. This was a much more specific prompt, too, so there's very little I can say, but it's for SVSSS and is focused on Liu Qingge with background Bingliushen (that's not the smut at all tho).

*Major archive warnings do apply!

I actually started this one in late April since I knew the prompts already, and finished it today, so it's almost 5000 words.

God waiting for all these fills to be revealed is gonna kill me lol.

[numetaljackdog]

what i'm listening to 4/10/2024

spot.//yt

Limp Bizkit - Clunk: clunk. clunk clunk. clunk. clunk

Limp Bizkit - N 2 Gether Now feat. Method Man: it's backkkk and arguably never left. this didn't begin as a favorite of mine from lb but there's just so many good lines and it's so fun. discretion is advised for the blood of virgin eyes; we're limping on the track with the method

Nirvana - The Man Who Sold the World: perhaps one of the greatest little riffs ever conceived and also btw i am a nirvana fanboy ��

Emma Blackery - Blossom: mostly just putting this in bc i don't think i've ever had the chance to talk about how much i adore this song. easily emma's best track, i so wish she would make more that sound like this. it fits her voice so nicely and it's just so breezy and catchy and cute..... summer's a-comin'

Suede - Animal Nitrate: this goes so insane i can't believe it took me this long to find it. and i may be prone to homosexuality... but anyway this just *sounds* sooo good, the crunchy production and the riff and the melody and oh! chef's kiss!

Staind - Mudshovel: revisiting an old favorite! i so wish to perform this song live someday.... i could make it even better. and i wouldn't be a republican about it either

Ice-T - Big Gun: PENIS ALLEGORY!!!!! and VIOLENT WOMEN!!!!!! i need to watch this fucking movie so fucking badly

Limp Bizkit - Back Porch: genuinely one of lb's best songs but completely slept on bc of its placement down at the bottom of gold cobra of all things god help us. also a returning winner from a prior WILT

Sonic Youth - Death Valley '69 feat. Lydia Lunch: sonic youth good. this song in particular hits me every time as if i'd never heard it. gay

Korn - Twist: i've taken to my funny bit of unpromptedly doing the rrh na oom rah dah nn rah mm dah oom rah dah thing in the middle of conversation

Eminem - Just Don't Give A Fuck: i will confess to having a little eminem moment these past days 🫣 but this one is genuinely so good i love his early scrappy shitty music. he just don't give a fuuuuuuck

Sublime - Santeria: this has always been my favorite sublime song bc it's so pretty-sounding and summery and it's about tracking a guy down and shoving a gun in his mouth

Big Pun - Beware: the beat is crazy but admittedly the main appeal of songs where guys say a bunch of words really fast will always be the part where the guy says a bunch of words really fast

The Decemberists - Down By The Water: mostly kind of over the whole radio alternative indie folk pop rock whatever shit but this is so prettyyy and melancholy and i love the harmonizing bc i love harmonizing

Powerman 5000 - Nobody's Real: my friends and i have been watching this music video over and over, it's so fun..... pm5k at their peak was such a cool band with all the visuals and cartoon antics. plus this shit is catchy as hell

DANGERDOOM - Sofa King: i previously thought i wasn't much of a DOOM fan, though i certainly respect the craft, but these days i think it might just be that his most popular material, the stuff people always recommend, just doesn't hit for me as much as his other stuff does (and hopefully will continue to, the more i listen). g

Twin Method - Flawless: these guys were too late to the nu metal game to really get their due (not to mention they were british; that was never a big spot for the genre) but i would posit that they were damn good for a 00s-era entry in the nu canon. this is their "big" song and it holds up pretty good!

Fudge Tunnel - Grey: checked this one out bc lol funny name but they're kinda legit. speaking of british alt metal. i almost wonder if they were on the other side of things, a little ahead of their time...

Blue - All Rise: heard this in an uber and it's been stuck in my brain ever since. i do love boy band r&b, AND i love a courtroom drama, so really i han't go wrong here. lots of brits in this installment i'm noticing

[raichana-artblog]

OC Description Tag

I am also counting this as todays OCtober since... once again i wrote too much lol

I was tagged by the always amazing @card-queen here: https://www.tumblr.com/card-queen/731816443929346048/oc-description-tag

Rules: Share an excerpt from your WIP that describes one of your OCs.

So.... I don't have any WIPs.... yet... but yeah I wrote this for the meme and it's too long but I hope you enjoy!

Edit: I guess i should add a mild content warning or mention of trafficking and death. I tried not to be too descriptive.

Shadowlord

The ink had yet to dry on the newly completed contract when the guard outside of this secret room was heard thrashing around.

With a simple glance from an annoyed boss the bodyguard moved to see what was going on, it only took a few steps before he keeled over foaming from the mouth.

Laughter filled the room from every corner causing all in attendance to rise and draw weapons. “Wow looks like I’ll be getting a bonus today” the young girls voice moved all about like a ghost with no form. Another one of the hired goons fell over, face purple and bloated.

“Shadowlord…” one of the younger criminals muttered under his breath. Trembling in his boots and trying to stand in a more well-lit area.

“Stop that, it’s only an urban legend… find the source of that voice and kill her” the large man grabbed the contract and started to roll it up, he may have been annoyed two of his men were already dead but all that mattered was his own life. “5000 gold to whoever brings me her head.”

“Now now I’m worth much more then that” this time the mans right hand man hit the ground with a hard thud. “If you are going to ask them to throw away their lives you should at least pay them accordingly” she giggled.

The young criminal who worried about dealing with the ghost voice dropped his weapon and ran off. “Please! spare me” he could be heard yelling as he ran past his dead former comrades.

“Oh, looks like you don’t have that much loyalty, that will make this easier” the girl jumped out of the middle of floor as if she truly were a ghost. The only thing more shocking than her entrance was her appearance. Dressed in hot pink miniskirt and black top, it was like she wasn’t even trying to hide. Her piercing green eye surveyed the two remaining criminals. Her smile was almost catlike as her pink and blond hair bounced with every movement. “I am a little surprised that a trafficker was making deals with the mayor, but I guess we were due for an election” Her smile grew wider. “Any final words?” she spoke as cheerfully as if she were asking where they should go to eat.

“I’ve heard of you” the man behind the desk stood up. “You’re an assassin with the guild then” The trafficker sighed. “A pink Elf with the fashion sense of a child making quite a mockery of the guild, stealing all the high-ticket jobs. You will do anything for money well” he grabbed the coins that were original for the exchange of ‘goods’. “This should be enough to shoo you away.”

She just giggled. “A true elf would be quite offended by you trying to lump me in with them, I’m closer to a demon after all…. But you do have a point, I’ll do anything for money” she moved closer without any hesitation a slight bounce in her step. “But you know?” She glanced over at the mayor as he started clawing his neck, he tried to make a run for it but was dead after only a few steps. “When those kids I rescued ask me to take you out… I just had to do it for free” yet she made no move to attack. “So, I’ll ask again, one last time… any final words?”

The dread hit suddenly, trying to breathe was suddenly much more difficult. He looked down where he could feel a small cut on his leg near where his shadow was cast. He could see the veins on his arms bulging as his body struggled to get every bit of oxygen left. “Who… are you?”

“What a waste, you were already told who I am… I’m Arianna… the Shadowlord” her devilish smile would be the last thing he saw. She moved over to take his pulse and gave a little nod satisfied as a job well done.  “Though I will still take the money, Orphanages cost way more then I expected.” she muttered as she grabbed the sack full of gold coins and slipped into the corpse’s shadow.

There was one last loose end. “I should get that guard who ran off to show me where the kids being sold are. I’d rather that then kill him after he was so entertaining” but it was best to let him calm down, otherwise he may do something stupid like try to fight her. It would have to wait till morning.

“Boss may be mad but at least I got to test out my new poison” she giggled to herself before heading back to report the chaos she had just singlehandedly caused.

I'll be posting this on toyhouse too but yeah I tag.... uh....

@greywaysart (figure you can post it on whichever blog is more appropriate)

@cloudedpoetry if you want i know you are very busy.

anyone else who wants to... again you don't need to write as much as i did i was just doing two things at once.

[misc-obeyme]

questions.. I love qiestions

If it's an MC, did they get to the Devildom in the usual way or were they already aware of it? How do they interact with the demons? What's their first impression upon arriving in the Devildom? Basics about their personality like are they outgoing or shy? Something specific about them, like if they have a phobia or a special power, etc.

OKAY I'm going to do a very very short description of him- he's m- jk

he wasn't chosen for the program at first. He was, mistakenly brought to the devildom. a tiny error lol. the original exchange student (Pari) was summoned a few minutes after and then they deal with the terrified wet injured cat™ smth smth later they decided that he will be staying too until they find a safe place for him in the human world.

and plans changed after Leviathan almost amputated his hand :"

and that's why he lives in the HOL.( always annoyed me how mc lives with the demon brothers instead of other exchange students lol no idc about canon)

he was running from his old abusers when he, being the magic magent he was, was summoned to the devildom. he didn'vknow wether he died by his abusers, or was saved, or a secret third thing. yep he was silent and dissociated in the first week. hehe trauma

he was very wary of his surroundings at the start, but slowly got more comfortable around the cast, minus Levi, Mammon and Simeon. he hates how Mammon doesn't respect his privacy and Levi makes him too overwhelmed. Simeon on the other hand? he's scary to him. kinda funny from someone who's friend is Barbatos lol

and now about his weird power,,

And what does Barbatos do once he figures out that Sharo has the same power as him? I mean, he's gotta be curious I bet he doesn't run into that ever.

I hope Barbatos tells him about it so that Sharo realizes the truth about what's happening. I suspect that'd be kind of a relief to finally understand why he's having those visions and things.

Barbatos realizes it pretty early in the castle tour, but keeps it hidden for the next three-four years. in that time only Diavolo, Lucifer, Simeon and Solomon knew about it.

I mean he didn't really think it was necessary for Sharo to know. it was better that he thought they were hallucinations - such power can destroy a human's brain and soul. not to mention his power was.. "illegal" (for the lack of a better word) and he was too weak at that time to fight against the higher ups.*

and it was Sharo who brought it up first. — "I feel like I can change the future. it, it just doesn't make sense you know-" — and then he understood what he was. that time he had powerful magic. with power of the seven strongest demons in the universe and the ring of light on his side, so it was safe for him to know. he was still very weak in this ability of his, so Barbatos decides to take him under his wing and teach him how to control it.

The fact you've got human in quotes makes me think Sharo must not be fully human? Is this at all related to Lilith's angel DNA or is it something different?

he isn't lilith's descendant! Lilith didn' have any children when she was a human, since his corrupted angel DNA just.. killed any baby she tried to have. sad ending😅 (nw she comes back but this isn't important) he is something else.*

*they both are too complicated to put here- I've written them, but it will turn this already long message to a 5000+ word non-sense lmao

this is the first time i'm publicly talking abt this marysue bastard I feel embarrassed :((

Okay, first of all, please don't feel embarrassed. My blog is always a safe space for all MC and OC ideas, Mary Sue or otherwise!

I think it's pretty normal for MCs to have their own extra powers and such like! I mean, the generic OM MC is already totally OP so.

Anyway, this all sounds really interesting to me!

So he wasn't even meant to be there! Oops! What happens with the other exchange student? Do they become friends or is it more like they avoid him?

Ahh oh no trauma. Well okay and I get the thing with Mammon, that guy is always bursting in unannounced! Simeon made me laugh, but he's also different from Barbatos imo. They both hide their true feelings, but Simeon acts like he doesn't while Barb doesn't act like he isn't hiding stuff. Like Simeon is the one going "Oh, what, I'm not hiding anything." and Barb is like "Yes, I am not telling you everything. It is for your own good." lol I love them both, but I would understand why that difference might make him uncomfortable!

Okay okay, so knowing about his power might actually be worse than believing he was having hallucinations... I was thinking I would want to know if I was experiencing something like that and everybody made me think it was just my brain malfunctioning when really it was magic. Though if it's problematic magic, then I see why it could be better to not know! I'm still glad he figures it out though lol.

And Barbatos doesn't leave him hanging! I love that he's like okay well now that you're aware, I will teach you the ways! Barb won't let him flounder!

Oh no! Lilith is childless? Then how does that change things for Lesson 16? Since the only reason MC could free Belphie was because they had Lilith's DNA? Or did that not happen at all in your story?