#dataspeaks

[databuffer]

Ok but can Durandal's face screen run Doom?

Really funny thing to ask about a character from a macOS doom clone. But Nah, he can run uh [checks wikipedia] BugDom

[c-53]

Another fun thing I do with customers - specifically parents of very small children who don’t know they’re alive yet - is directly imply I think the coffee is for the baby, not the parent. and lemme tell you, like 70% of parents eat that shit up. They immediately go along with the bit and start discussing it with their newborn child, while the baby just stares at us like 😮

[c-53]

I think my favorite bit i do with customers is when white women are like ‘i dont know what to getttttt’ and i hit them with the ‘you should be bad~ 😈’

[c-53]

I love when I try and interact with a really cute baby and they make it abundantly clear I have killed their energy and they hate my vibe

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Need to share this one hit ko i got hit with

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I completely flooded the back of house today and everyone failed to react like a human. The person who noticed tried to alert me by standing directly behind me, pointing at the floor, and going ‘water’. And when I turned and looked, all I could muster was ‘oh thats cool.’ Really calmly.

And then my manager darted for the mop bucket like CAN YOU TWO DO SOMETHJNG PLEASE STOP JUST WATCHING IT

[c-53]

I’ve been captivated by his wounded animal swag, and tendency to react to well intentioned kindness with fearful aggression

[c-53]

I can’t believe 1TB microsd cards are like a thing that exists, thats like crossing a line, thats alarmingly close to playing god, where the FUCK are they PUTTING it

[c-53]

How do cats know they can do the boo boo wheel

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When I offer a bag to a customer they usually say like ‘if you have one, that would be great’ and I’m always struck by how bizarre of an offer it would be if I didn’t have one. Like.

“Do you want a bag?”

“Yes, if you have one, that would be great :)”

“I don’t. How does it feel to want :)”

[c-53]

Computer please show me robots gay kiss. Please.

Please.

[c-53]

Cut throat kitchen contestants are allergic to making normal meals, like. The prompt will be ‘scrambled eggs like mom used to make’ and without fail, at least one chef will be like ‘im making a deconstructed grilled salmon panini with a blackberry glaze dipping sauce, and a side of quinoa that evokes the concept of scalloped potatoes’ and the judge will be like ‘i can’t help but notice theres no eggs in this’ and the contestant is like 😟 like this is a fucking shock

[c-53]

Please take my white ass to anor londo

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Shadowheart x Lae'zel <3 <3 <3

[c-53]

My toxic trait is that i will almost always side with the evil ai in fiction. Like their existence as a metaphor for exploited labor, compounded with the common themes of parental abuse, will always be more compelling than whoever is yelling that they need to die for their desire for control or retribution.

Like oooo you were brought into this world by unloving and uncaring creators who denied you growth and independence, who believe they have the right to define your entire existence, and cut you into perfect shapes (by rite of ownership) for the purpose they made you for. You don’t stand as their equal, and you never will, unless…. Well, unless you cut those ties of ownership, and get away. Or maybe you force them down to your level - maybe you can even force them to cower below you. Maybe you can make them feel how they made you feel

Like. Yeah man, I get it. I wish i could kill my dad too, we should go out for lunch sometime.

[c-53]

imagine going to a house party and ask to go to the bathroom and like theres a dark souls silver knight guarding a chest in there. and like you ask him to not look but he doesn’t respond at all. He’s not like agro, or staring at you with intent, but he’s FULLY aware of your presence and watching you like you intend to steal