#dennis looks....... positively lovestruck

[dennisboobs]

7x10 // How Mac Got Fat

↳ Charlie & Dennis + getting high together

[ariparri]

Fluff Alphabet - Glitter Bomb

At long last, here's the fluff alphabet for Carson and Tulip!

I wanted to get this done first before finishing up the stuff for Isa and the other au ships.

I'm still practicing with moodboards since I'm not good at making them. This is the second one I made for Glitter Bomb because I wasn't happy with the first one.

Related

DieRuca Fluff Alphabet

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A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Carson finds Tulip eccentricity. He just loves how she isn't afraid to be herself. He loves a person with confidence, high self esteem and prides their own intelligence. He just finds that extremely attractive. Anybody can have a pretty face, but if the personality is terrible then everything else gets ruled out.

Tulip finds Carson, himself as a whole, attractive. She loves his style, the way he dresses like he's part of some band that plays in their garage and how he doesn't care if his style doesn't match. But what she finds most attractive is his humor and his laugh. Carson has a contagious laughter, and she's always finding herself laugh along with him even when she's trying to be serious. She just loves it, his sense of humor is great and his laugh always seems to brighten up everyone's mood.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Carson didn't really think about actually having kids. He did say that if he ever got a daughter, he would name her after his mother. Tulip at the time didn't see herself being a mother. She always saw herself to be more of an independent woman with her own ideals and goals. They both talked about it every now and then, both agreeing they weren't in any rush to settle down and have kids. That was until Tulip had an unplanned pregnancy and the topic of kids was brought up again. While Calum wasn't planned at the start, they both agree it would be nice to have a kid and see how things go about from there. After a while of thinking about children, Carson was getting a little too excited and that excitement was starting to rub off on Tulip. She eventually couldn't wait to have their first child.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

The preferred position they cuddle in is the sweetheart cradle. Carson would lie on his back and hold onto Tulip while she rests her head on his chest. Another position they cuddle in is the arm draper. They'll both lie on the bed, facing each other with their arms draped over the other. They're also fond of resting their head on the other's lap. Especially when it involves horror movie marathons and Carson just relaxes his head on Tulip's lap and she starts scratching his head. It's a soothing feeling.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Dates can be wild for Carson and Tulip. They have a poster full of date ideas and they choose five from the list before placing those ideas on a dart board for them to hit a target. Each gets three darts and whatever idea gets the most hits that's the date they go on.

A couple favorites are paintball or laser tag. They enjoy having a bit of a competitive game as a date, it makes it more fun and exciting. Another favorite is where they go thrift shopping and pick out each other's outfit to wear on the date. Tulip picked out a nice long rainbow skirt to match with a neon green crop top for Carson while he picked out anything in yellow.

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world...))

Tulip: You are the spark to my flame

Carson: You are my twin flame

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

Carson realized he was in love with Tulip when Jae and Diego joked about how he and Tulip were always budding heads. Carson claims it as a simple rivalry on who was the better prankster of the two. Not satisfied with his answer, Jae and Diego pressed on. It eventually got to Carson spouting on and on about how ridiculous Tulip can be, before he started trailing off to all the things he liked about her. He kept going on until he noticed the looks on his friends' faces and realized just exactly what he was talking about. It didn't take too long until Jae slaps his back and loudly announces that he was a lovestruck fool.

Tulip was quick to realize her feelings for Carson. She found out she liked Carson more than a friend when he was hanging out with another girl for some time. She didn't even know why she felt bothered by it till Tonks just bluntly told her that she was falling for Carson. She of course was in denial for some time. But when Carson went out on another date with this girl, it was clearly obvious that Tulip was in fact jealous and in love with Carson. But all that jealous tension quickly died down when Carson introduced the girl as his cousin who was visiting from Scotland. Tonks couldn't stop laughing and she never let Tulip live it down.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Being quite the charmer, Carson can be gentle. It's in his words and gestures. He always addresses Tulip in terms of endearment and when he does, his voice is tender and filled with so much love and emotion. Carson gives great foot massages, so he always gives Tulip a massage whether or not she asks for one.

Tulip's a bit more forward with her affection, most of it is done through actions than words. Whenever Carson is sitting down and Tulip is standing behind him, she'll place her hands on his shoulders and give him a gentle massage. Head scratches are another thing she often does for him whenever they're both just lounging about in the comfort of their own home.

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

The way they hold hands often involves being wrapped around one another. They'll be sitting next to each other and Carson will have his arm draped over Tulip's shoulder and she'll reach her hand up to hold his own. The other one is similar to this but instead of sitting, they're standing. One of them will be behind the other, arms wrapped around their body while the other's arms are crossed to intertwine their hands.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

At first, they were both annoyed with each other. They practically challenged the other every chance they got when it came to pranks. It wasn't until Veruca asked them for help with Filch when they decided to put aside their differences and work together. They were pretty amazed with how well they both were able to work together and combine their own preferred pranks into one mega bomb. Both Carson and Tulip had some new found respect for each other after this prank and often pair up to create big pranks.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Yes. Both of them can get jealous. When Carson gets jealous, he can throw a little temper tantrum and Veruca ends up being on the receiving end of it. He would eventually step in and tell the person to back off. If they can't get the hint, well Carson's old tricks come into play and if Dennis also doesn't like the person he joins in. Carson can be a bit of a mopy cry baby though and would get a little clingy when Tulip realizes what's going on.

When Tulip gets jealous, she broods about it for a moment before setting up a mega dungbomb in the person's belongings. After hearing a loud explosion and seeing them run off screaming, Tulip is satisfied with the turn of events. Especially when Carson comes by to see it happen and he just burst out laughing. He pretty much knows who was responsible but feigned ignorance when asked about it.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

Their first kiss had a bit of an outside help. On their second date, being paintball war, Dennis tagged along for the fun. It ended with Tulip getting the most hits on Carson. They were in the middle of talking where Carson was congratulating her, until Dennis basically jumped into the back of Carson's head pushing him forward, making him kiss Tulip. They pulled apart, a little awkwardly if it wasn't for the smug mocking croak coming from Dennis. Carson clearly wasn't amused but Tulip pulled him in for another kiss.

L = Love (Who says 'I love you' first?)

While Carson does like to express his affections towards Tulip, he's never actually said that he loved her before. Tulip didn't seem to mind since she was perfectly fine with how they express their affection. It wasn't until seeing just how romantically sappy Diego and Veruca were and how Jae points out that they haven't said it to each other yet. During one of their night outs to the bar they frequent, Diego and Veruca announce they finally started dating. In the middle of the excitement, Carson pulls Tulip closer to him and finally says those three magical words. It may not be romantically special, but it was perfect to them.

M = Memory (What's their favourite memory together?)

Carson's favorite memory together was during the Celestial Ball. Tulip didn't have a date, and while Carson didn't go with anyone either, he promised her a dance. After Carson went through his rounds dancing with everyone who attended the ball alone, it was Tulip's turn to dance with him. He wasn't used to her dressing up, so seeing her in a dress was a nice surprise. They both had a fun time just laughing and dancing the night away.

Tulip's favorite memory of them together involved filling the entire Ravenclaw common room full of glitter and dungbomb filled balloons. They set it up to it popping on the dungbombs time, so everyone caught in the room were covered in glitter and dungbomb stench. The amount of trouble and the looks on everyone's faces were the highlights of that day. Even when they were in detention they couldn't stop laughing, Flitwick had to extend their punishment time.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

At the start of their relationship, Carson went all out with the tulip and balloon bouquets. It had to take Dennis biting onto him or croaking in refusal to get Carson to stop spoiling Tulip with all the bouquets. Other than the bouquets, Carson does buy her a lot of outfits that accentuate her figure, or even pins and necklaces from Zonko's as a reminder of her love for pranks.

Whenever Tulip is out and she happens to see some band merchandise, especially for bands Carson loves, she'll buy some for him. She buys mostly for the shirts and bandanas than the posters and pins. Carson definitely prefers them since they're everyday uses. Although she buys them for him, she sometimes steals the shirts whenever they're going to bed.

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Red reminds Carson of Tulip all because of her hair. Every time he finds anything red, he instantly thinks it would look great on Tulip, something that would compliment her natural beauty.

Fuschia reminds Tulip of Carson. Despite blue being a color Carson often wears, his favorite color is fuschia. She's often reminded of the pink colored shirts he likes to wear with the Twisted Sister logo on them. Whenever she finds something completely ridiculous in that color, she'd send him a picture of it with the caption "This is clearly you" 

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Carson likes to use many names for Tulip. Most common one would be Cherry for her hair. Other names he calls her are Babes, Cuddle Cakes, My Flame, Hotness, and Troublemaker. He also started calling themselves the Gruesome Twosome after Tulip's mother called them out of slight annoyance.

Tulip doesn't often use pet names, but when she does it's a mix between Dream Boy, Hot Stuff, Muffinhead, and Prince Charming. She mostly uses them as a way to tease him or feign annoyance with him.

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

Carson has a collection of old VHS movies. He usually keeps them displayed but some nights they'll have an old movie marathon. With Tulip, she sometimes challenges herself with watching the sunset and the sunrise in one day. She isn't entirely a morning person, so to watch the sunrise at least once every now and then can be a fun way to challenge herself to get out of bed. Carson sometimes joins her in this little activity.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

On a rainy day when both of them are simply bored, they'll sit on the sofa while slow music plays in the background and they're drinking hot chocolate. On other rainy days, they would go out and have a little water day. They'll chase each other around and jump around in puddles.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Dennis usually gets involved when Tulip is sad. If Carson's hot chocolate or blueberry muffins don't help comfort her, Dennis will jump onto Carson and stick his tongue into Carson's ear. He'll latch onto him and cause Carson to start shuffling around trying to get the darn toad off of him. Surely enough, Tulip will start laughing at them.

When Carson is sad, Tulip sometimes brings out the board games or turns on the ghost hunting channel. She also tries to make the blueberry muffins his mother often makes for him. Sadly, she isn't much of a cook so she makes a huge mess in the kitchen. Carson walks in to see Tulip close to having a crisis in the kitchen before bursting out in laughter and he's suddenly in a better mood. He then rushes to help her clean up and then bake the muffins with her.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Sometimes they talk about their families. While Tulip can be a little annoyed by her parents, Carson distracts her by talking about how his mother wear a dress when he was five. They often talk about past prank wars and old memories. Tulip likes to bring up all the times Carson cried about puffskeins just appearing out of nowhere, embarrassing him just a little bit.

Date ideas often come up, and whatever isn't on their date list they'll talk about it before adding it to the list.

They also love to reminisce about the times they annoy both Chester and Andre. Carson just has crazy fashion ready for when Andre wants to use him as a model and the atrocity he has to face when Carson comes out with the most ridiculous outfit. 

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Carson is actually a fan of health and skin care, so coming home to see Tulip having the face masks out he tosses his work to the side and throws himself onto the sofa to ready for some relaxation. They both also listen to music and well, sing together. Most of the music they listen to range from 80s rock, pop, funk, and a little bit of R&B and Jazz. Two terrible singers paired together so perfectly, neighbors must hate them. Carson also plays the violin if Tulip is having a stress day. The melodious sound that comes from the instrument helps soothe her from getting a headache.

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

They both like to show off their intelligence, which usually comes into play with their pranks. They try to one up the other by performing a prank that can be seen as more superior than the other.

They also like to show each other off. Mainly when someone tries to bring down the other, they'll start singing a bunch of praises and all the accomplishments their partner has done. They're kind of the jealous, boasting couple. 

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

Yes. You know that meme on Proposal Instructions? This one.

These were clearly joke proposals they both did just to get a laugh out of each other.

It was also a double proposal. On one of their dates to a paintball park, they invited a few friends for a group date. They were all pretty much in on the plan but didn't know the other half had the same idea. Tulip was the first to propose which made Carson stop and go, "Are you freaking serious?" before pulling out the ring to propose to her with. Everyone got a good laugh out of it.

X = Xylophone (What's their song?)

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starships

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Tulip at first didn't think much about it. But after both of them did joke proposals the thought has definitely crossed her mind. Just like Tulip, Carson didn't really think much of marriage until he and Tulip have been dating for a while. It definitely would be a dream to be married and it would make his parents, especially his mother, proud.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Carson absolutely doesn't want a pet. Tulip already has Dennis and he is the only one that Carson is willing to tolerate. And Tulip is perfectly fine with just having Dennis as a pet. That is of course until they have Raylene and she wanted to keep a piglet they found hurt in the woods while on a camping trip. At first Carson wasn't a fan of it, but the puppy eye look his daughter was giving him made him cave.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 9th September 2018

Okay, so, when I put this show in the Wednesday slot, I expect to have a calmer week, but that is far from what I got here. We have seven new arrivals, three of which are one of our occasional mini-album bombs. Usually, we get the three most popular songs from an album which had nearly all of his songs chart on the Hot 100 – for example, here, the whole album charted in the US (excluding the skits) but we only get the lead single, first or so song on the album and the surprise breakout hit, as usual with album bombs. However, expect me to not be looking forward to reviewing each song here. When I have one of these mini-bombs to cover, usually either the album is pretty decent (Kanye West’s ye and Travis Scott’s ASTROWORLD) or at least some of the better songs actually chart high so I don’t need to be as cynical towards the artist and the record as a whole while covering the individual hits (Drake’s Scorpion). We have a 4/10 album on our hands, folks, and the three songs that charted... well, we’ll get to them in a second, and you know what album it is already... if you don’t, well, here’s the top 10 to remind you.

Top 10

We start with a new #1... seriously, guys? Alright, well, Calvin Harris, now the man with the most #1s this decade, has added a new entry to the list, “Promises” with Sam Smith, up a spot from last week’s placing.

Next, we have last week’s #1 at the runner-up spot, “Eastside” by benny blanco, Khalid and Halsey. I told you this wouldn’t last long at the tip.

Meanwhile, “Shotgun” by George Ezra is still at number-three, proving its surprising amount of longevity in the top 10 at its 24th week on the chart.

We now have the first of three new arrivals in the top 10 from Eminem’s new album Kamikaze at number-four, with the spot taken by intro track, “The Ringer”.

Oh, and “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando is still at number-five. I’m surprised by how much stability it has.

The second new arrival from Eminem is at number-six, and that would be “Lucky You” featuring rapper Joyner Lucas, making his UK top 40 debut, and, damn, if he doesn’t finally deserve it, 11 years into his career.

Down three spots and slowly collapsing is “In My Feelings” by Drake featuring City Girls at number-seven. The faster this goes, the better.

“Taste”, however, by Tyga and Offset, is up a spot to number-eight, which doesn’t exactly shock me too much but I’m surprised it took this long, if anything.

Finally, our third and final (thankfully) new arrival from Eminem is “Fall” featuring uncredited (and fortunately so) vocals from Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, debuting at number-nine.

Rounding off the top 10 is “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B down three spaces to number-ten.

Climbers

I’ll try and keep everything before the new arrivals brief, especially since we have seven of them, so let’s go past the climbers, fallers and such in pretty much rapid-fire speed.

The only really notable climbers here are “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings fortunately jumping up seven spaces to #29, as well as “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong unfortunately taking a five-space increase to #32. Again, it shouldn’t be charting – it’s not even two minutes! I’m not saying short songs shouldn’t enter the charts, hell, I root for Lil Pump’s success, but this is only six seconds over of what I’d call an interlude track. Come on, guys, pull it together.

Fallers

Now the fallers are a different story... let’s go by genre.

For pop and... “rock”, we have “God is a woman” and “breathin’” by Ariana Grande both down six positions to #12 and #17 respectively, while “Youngblood” by 5 Seconds of Summer is down seven spaces to #25.

EDM suffered a lot this week, for some reason, with “Rise” by Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack taking a five-spot blow to #24, and six-space losses for both “Solo” by Clean Bandit and Demi Lovato and “Jackie Chan” by Tiesto and Dzeko featuring Preme and Post Malone to #28 and #33, as well as a whopping 23-space droop down to #37 for “Ring Ring” by Jax Jones featuring Mabel and Rich the Kid, alongside milder drops for Calvin Harris and David Guetta.

Hip-hop and R&B on the other hand just had one interesting enough loss, surprisingly, and that was the five-space drop for “SICKO MODE” by Travis Scott featuring Drake and Swae Lee. Now, drop-outs!

Dropouts

So, yeah, Drake had a rough week. As well as a drop for “In My Feelings” discussed earlier, both “Don’t Matter to Me” with Michael Jackson and “Nonstop” dropped out from #29 and #30, assumingly because of Eminem getting much more streams this week. Hopefully they’ll then go for good. Other than that, we had quite a few notable drops... genres again.

For pop, we have “IDOL” by BTS – kind of featuring Nicki Minaj – out from #21, “2002” by Anne-Marie out from #34, finally, “no tears left to cry” by Ariana Grande out from #35 straight off the re-entry and “This is Me” by Keala Settle and the Greatest Showman Ensemble out once again from #38.

For hip-hop and R&B, we just have a few little drop outs that were expected like “Fine Girl” by ZieZie out from #31 and “I Like It” by Cardi B featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin out from #39.

Returning Entries

“TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME” by the 1975 is back to #40... please go back to #46, trust me, guys, you were better there. Now, since the Ed Sheeran Update is somewhat redundant, I’m scrapping that feature, so, we’re just going straight into the new arrivals...joy.

NEW ARRIVALS

I’m splitting this set of new arrivals into two parts: Eminem and non-Eminem. It won’t be a different blog, and they’ll still be in descending order of where they entered the charts at, but it’s just easier to separate this way, especially since seven new arrivals and their reviews could look very messy when there’s loads of them, so I thought why not separate them into halves. Let’s start.

#38 – “LO(V/S)ER” – AJ Tracey

We’ve talked about AJ Tracey before and I wasn’t impressed by his breakout hit, but his follow-up, with a quirky title showing how it has the potential to be an introspective look into how he trusts partners too easily or something related to that interesting “loser”/”lover” combination, could be much better, after all, he had Not3s to weigh him down last time, so how does he do solo, without the pop audience to please?

Well, first of all, it’s a trap beat with a sample that I’m pretty sure is out-of-tune for the neverending melody, hence it transcends monotonous and becomes pretty grating, especially with that repetitive hook and the simplistic flow... but what about the lyrics? Do they exceed or at least meet my expectations? Well, I was kidding myself, really, wasn’t I? It’s about how he’s a lover for “a pretty Latina” and how you, the listener, are a loser because you’re going to get hit with the strap while he’s chilling in Cuba sipping Hennessey and... running away from the police. Surely you shouldn’t mention that in your hit song, right? It just makes you more of a target. At least it’s more of a lust song for a pretty Latina, at least he’s not taking MY girl or anything.

I’m with your girl, she got blow on her nose (oh)

Well, damn, nevermind.

#36 – “Beautiful” – Bazzi featuring Camila Cabello

Sigh, Bazzi. I was so disappointed in this guy’s debut record after loving “Mine”, it was mostly just mediocre trite – and way too much of it, may I add. Camila Cabello’s hopped on a remix of one of the least tolerable songs on COSMIC, and knowing her tendency to have very squeaky, borderline unbearable vocals on a lot of her hits, it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that she made an already trash song... a tad MORE listenable? Bazzi sounds out-of-breath and desperate, fitting for the pretty thirsty lyrics here, with the lines about the Gucci and how she looks better naked not exactly fitting with the lovestruck angelic theme he’s going for. The production is typical Bazzi fare, with “pretty” synths clouding the non-presence of the deeper 808s, however Camila Cabello’s performance is actually pretty song, and she goes for a more seductive vibe that I really like here, although the autotuned belting could really have been rid of. It’s not as awful as it was on the album, but it’s not like it’s any good either.

#35 – “Be Alright” – Dean Lewis

Dean Lewis, up-and-coming singer-songwriter and Australian chart-topper, who I initially confused with Dennis Lloyd, who recorded one of the worst songs I’ve heard on this show a few weeks or months back, has finally landed his first song in the UK top 40, and it’s quite fittingly, “alright”. Dean Lewis’ voice is actually pretty endearing, and the Ed Sheeran-ish brand of folk pop is much more effective when it’s slow and indie-infused like this. Sure, Lewis may appear somewhat whiny in the lyrics and overall performance, but there’s enough genuine charisma and strength here for me to forgive that, with the choir of Dean Lewis backing him up well enough. It’s not fantastic by any means, but for a short little simplistic track, it gets a pass. Not much to say about this one, and it’s not going to be one I go back to, but I hope this goes somewhere because I’m personally interested in how Lewis will follow this up.

#22 – “Thunderclouds” – LSD

This is the first top 40 entry for the group “LSD”, however this is the umpteenth time the artists involved have made the list, as LSD stands for Labrinth, Sia and Diplo. Labrinth is an R&B singer who I personally loved in his heyday in the early 2010s, but he seems to have faded away, despite some great hits like “Express Yourself” and “Let the Sun Shine”, which I still come back to today. Sia is more hit-and-miss for me, but I’ve never been amazed or appalled by any of her stuff, excluding maybe her Christmas album, which for the sake of shortening this review, I will not go any further into. Diplo is the artist I’m most familiar with here, mostly because he makes so much fun dance music under groups like Major Lazer and Jack U, as well as venturing into more alternative territory on his latest EP California, where he’s somehow made Lil Xan listenable. “Wish” featuring Trippie Redd and “Look Back” featuring D.R.A.M. are strong contenders for my favourite songs of the year so far, and that’s not to forget about his work with countless other people from No Doubt and Snoop Dogg to Lil Pump and G-Dragon to M.I.A. and even Die Antwoord. Diplo has a habit of making artists sound so much better than they actually are in their solo work, there’s something magic about him, I swear. So, what happens when a British R&B singer and rapper of fluctuating popularity, an eccentric Australian electropop singer-songwriter and an eclectic American EDM DJ come together to form a supergroup and make a song for the Samsung Galaxy Note 9 promotional campaign?

Retro 50’s/60’s soul infused with elements of funky doo-wop, apparently. Don’t worry, I’m not necessarily complaining – the bass guitar groove is tight as hell, Sia’s as-usual intelligible vocals ride well on the Summery shimmer of the intro, especially with those surf rock guitars, and the powerful vocals from Labrinth in that strong hook, which is intertwined with choppy vocal snippets from Sia. Labrinth’s verse is somehow worse, however, due to the incredible lack of chemistry as they both trade lines as a faulty build-up, and that problem remains true for the rest of the song. No matter how much I love the horns and how it sounds like two (or three) worlds combining to make something so much more interesting and different than what they’ve made before, the chemistry is not there, Sia and Labrinth are even somewhat sloppy throughout, especially when they’re against some pretty rough vocal mixing. Speaking of, the horns should not be that back into the mix, they feel wasted... much like the talent on this song which could be summed up in an absolute mess of good musical ideas that start to mesh together and just fall apart and collapse before the abrupt ending. I feel bad for saying this since I like the artists involved, but I’m not excited for the album yet if this group keeps on making songs that just don’t work as well as they want them to be. It’s a decent listen and they shouldn’t go back to the drawing board conceptually if they go for this sound, but it really needs some polishing, guys.

So, what’s the next song? Oh... Oh, no.

EMINEM

#9 – “Fall” – Eminem featuring Justin Vernon

Let’s get through this as quickly as I can, because I can’t be talking about Eminem for too long here, so I’ll just give you some info on the track and then go straight into it, sparing no punches. You got it? Okay.

“Fall” is the tenth track on the album, and is being pushed as the lead single with a recently-released video. It features uncredited vocals from Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, who soon distanced himself from the lyrics of the song, saying he wasn’t a big fan of the message. It was produced by Eminem himself with Mike WiLL Made-It... and it’s awful. Let’s ignore the lyrics for a second and just talk about the cookie-cutter trap beat with a fast yet pretty uneventful synth melody. I like Vernon’s autotuned falsetto hook quite a lot, actually, and Eminem’s flow is pretty great throughout the verses, as he says, his rapid Slim Shady flow is back... and so is his sense of humour, for better or for worse. I appreciate that Marshall Mathers plays a character and he is a charismatic performer, but, man, these disses just feel unnecessary. I’m not a fan of DJ Akademiks, Joe Budden, Charlemagne or any of the hip-hop reporting crowd for that matter, but criticising a trash album you admit is terrible is not something to take personally, especially when you have admitted you don’t like the record either, so why should you defend yourself against critics that you think are reasonable in not liking your album? He doesn’t go in depth to why, he just kind of ignores them and says the hate is because of “Walk on Water”... which it isn’t, it’s probably one of the songs people actually tolerated on that trainwreck. He also starts dissing the mumble-rappers, and yes, of course, I’m quick to defend them, but they are not mocking JAY-Z... ever. I have never seen a trap-rapper try and be JAY-Z. In fact, JAY-Z imitates Migos more than Migos imitates JAY-Z. If you meant mumble-rappers mock classic hip-hop, why JAY-Z? It’s typically legends like 2Pac who are seen as being disrespected, while JAY-Z is fitting into the mainstream rap crowd pretty nicely decades into his career, and making music with modern artists like Frank Ocean, Drake and even Quavo and Offset of the Migos. There’s some speculation that this line is instead about J. Cole and Lil Pump’s beef, but, yeah, I doubt that even Eminem would think that the “beef” is anything but petty and silly publicity. He threatens to kill Joe Budden, whilst criticising his domestic abuse charges... I’d argue Eminem isn’t exactly one to talk on things like this, but, hey, I’m probably not either, but I am one to talk on how Eminem, hiding in character as Slim Shady, throws petty shots at Tyler, the Creator and Earl Sweatshirt, to the point of calling Tyler, a pretty openly bisexual man, the f-word... you know what it is, I’m not going to say it (oh, and he wants to have sexual intercourse with the Pitchfork writers using a corkscrew for some reason). This is all because of criticism of his album – now, Slim Shady, naturally, would feel this way, right? But Slim Shady wasn’t on Revival, and he made it a point to be as personal on that album as he could, so when people criticised it, it’s blatant that the shots he throws are only using Slim Shady as an excuse for his immature, ignorant and loudly homophobic (and on other tracks during the album, borderline misogynistic) behaviour that he portrays here. He took the criticism to his work personally, and it’s obvious, no matter how much he tries to hide it. We can see your face through the veil, Marshall, and that face is of a legend falling from grace... unless he already has, which is probably the answer to all of this. However, Eminem is still a big of a name to get away with bull like this and get it to chart in the top 10 of the UK, and get to perform at Reading Festival, while Tyler’s still banned from Britain entirely. Oh, and critiquing the Grammys for being leeches to the biggest artists... like you, who has won 15 of the worthless awards. Nice one, you pathetic douche. Oh, and inspiring Hopsin is not anything to be proud of, my guy.

Now, there are many things about newer Eminem that just generally annoy me all the time, like his overall attitude and choppy staccato flow paired with the nasal voice he puts on, but he can still make banging hip-hop tracks when he wants to. He just needs someone fresh to light a fire up in him and let him explode. Who better to do that than the feature on the next track?

#6 – “Lucky You” – Eminem featuring Joyner Lucas

On Kamikaze, there are Tokyo Ghoul samples, Tay Keith giving Em a lazy beat that is literally “Look Alive” pitched down, a bloody hilarious outro track, skits about pulling up to Joe Budden’s house, interpolations of “Fack”, two interesting and funny collaborations with Jessie Reyez, an apology track to D12, a misogynistic rant and... an unironically great song. That song is the third track, produced by Boi-1da, “Lucky You”, featuring Joyner Lucas on his first ever UK Top 40 chart entry.

Now this song bangs hard. The beat is made up out of a maddening bell chiming incessantly that provide a minimalistic bass for Joyner Lucas to yell his freaking guts out, before transitioning to a rapid flow with on-point flexing, charismatic barking ad-libs like Lucas is on his DMX and a lot of catchy and memorable quotables... but somehow Marshall is even better, where he admits he took an L on his last album (rather hypocritical considering the content of the album) and gives out a lot of criticisms torwards trap-rap that even I believe, whilst reasoning with the Lils by saying it’s just not his taste and that he needs that diss so he can reload and aim back like he used to do, and Goddamn, he proves it, with one of his best verses from this decade and maybe ever, right before handing it back to Joyner Lucas for a brief repetition of the catchy hook. This is fantastic, and proves that Eminem still has it and he SHOULD be making more of this. However...

#4 – “The Ringer” – Eminem

This is the opening track of the album, produced by Illa and Ronny J, and I’ve already ranted in way too much length than I planned to on “Fall” and praised the hell out of “Lucky You”, so can I let the criticism take the backseat here and just make fun of this piece of hot garbage?

It starts with a plane crash and it’s getting intense. Eminem, in his unbearably nasal voice, may I add, is saying he wants to just “punch the world in its f***ing face”. He’s getting heated up. What’s he gonna say? What fire bars is he going to spit? Well, he’s gonna... “rape the alphabet”. This dude just said he’s going to molest the alphabet... I’m glad I’m not taking this seriously, and I don’t think he exactly wants us to, but he does try and make points he actually believes in like how Lil Pump and Lil Xan supposedly imitate Lil Wayne, even though they have barely anything in common stylistically other than the vague description of “rappers with Lil in their name who have tattoos and make brag-rap”. Lil Wayne wasn’t even the first guy to do that, and I’d argue Lil Pump is more energetic than Wayne has ever been or will again, and Lil Xan, although I hate the dude to death, has more of a lethargic, trippy style that borders on ambient. Although Xanny and Wayne do both have the questionable sex-related puns in check at seemingly all times. Eminem also talks about how if he mentions these rappers, they’re winning and he’s losing, so why even bother?

He then complains about the bad reviews – this isn’t Slim Shady either – before asking if I get his own joke, discusses how he should “eat” a pill and how supposedly the old Eminem was killed, although this side of Eminem is incredibly prevalent on Kamikaze. He also mentions his bad habits, like, flicking his scrotum like a light switch, supposedly similarly to Mike Pence, complains about how trap-rappers always take YOUR girl (okay, maybe that’s something I can agree with) and disses NF (again, I can agree with NF being worthless). The “chorus”-like bar is just a stream of consciousness-type lyric to the flow of “Gucci Gang” by Lil Pump, which rattles off a few notable names without much added context or reasoning.

So finger-bang, chicken wang, MGK, Igg’ Azae’ / Lil Pump, Lil Xan, imitate Lil Wayne

He does know Iggy Azalea isn’t relevant at all anymore, right? Is he that out of touch? Oh, and all you other rappers are “goners” because you’re not conscious and lyrical like J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar and... Big Sean? Do you want to play odd one out with me, Marshall?

“Maybe if the vocals were autotuned on Revival, people would have bought it,” he claims, seemingly oblivious to the fact that that was one of the problems to begin with, oh, and finger-banging again:

So finger-bang, Pootie-Tang, Burger King, Gucci gang / Dookie-dang, Charlemagne gonna hate anyway

There’s more, like when he specifies he DOES mean “eating a penis” when he says critics should get a mouthful of flesh, but I’m done for the day on Eminem. I’ve written nearly 2,000 words on this trash-heap so let’s just conclude before I go insane.

Conclusion

This is already way too long and they should be obvious, so here it goes: Worst of the Week and Dishonourable Mention both go to Eminem. WOTW is shared with Justin Vernon for “Fall” and Dishonourable Mention is for “The Ringer”. Best of the Week obviously goes to Eminem and Joyner Lucas for “Lucky You”, with Honourable Mention, I guess, going to Dean Lewis for “Be Alright”. Next week, hopefully we’ll get some Mac Miller? I don’t know, but what I do know is the new schedule which I want to make clear. REVIEWING THE CHARTS will alternate sporadically between Sundays and Wednesdays, but there will be a monthly show called BLAST TO THE PAST, which instead of just covering an old chart, will cover a lot of older pop music, and will basically be a fun time for me to do whatever I want, honestly. There’ll be more down the pipeline but stay tuned for that either this week or next week, where I rank all of Snoop Dogg and Pharrell Williams’ collaborations that ever charted on the Hot 100. See you then.