#depressed? this tumblr mutual liked AND reblogged your post. youre healed now. next!

[c0nsumemy5oul]

I will never get over the fact that I have tumblr celebrities in my notes

[lostherlemons]

BIG gay post about how my girlfriend i came to be: laura version

i wanna make my own post like that but i don’t know if i could properly convey everything because oftentimes words can’t really do my experience justice. but like. that made me relive everything from my point of you and i can very tangibly feel affection and happiness bubbling up within the depths of my stomach and i gotta spill it out. i just gotta.

for those of you that didn’t know me beforehand bc you followed me from robin or just generally followed me sometime in the last half year or so, my relationship before robin was very very bad. the entire thing was kind of a giant guilt trip where i got emotionally manipulated for months until I succumbed to dating the guy (and being sexual with him when i Was Not Ready) and it was often miserable- but due to the toxic nature of the situation and my inability to assert myself in a way that he could take seriously, the relationship lasted for a pretty long time and took me a good 7 months to finally break up with him. I’ll leave it at that because it’s not the focus and explaining it isn’t a fun experience.

I’m hesitant to start the story like this because it seems so negative but like. It’s important for the context because the aftermath of what he put me through lasted a long time. we broke up probably exactly a year ago but i was reeling and recovering for a very long time and it made me very bitter towards romance in general and very much a skeptic (which robin turned right back around). but anyway. now for the happy part!

robin and i met, as they said, on their 18th birthday at a lgbt ice cream social. my very first distinct memory is of robin being part of the group i was talking to at the time and in a very cute moment, got me to guess what age they were. i guessed 20+ and was wrong and robin was very pleased that they came off so mature to me. we generally stuck together after that through the event (after sharing Tumblrs and such), which i didn’t think much of at the time because I was in the prior relationship still and i was just having a good time with my friends!! eventually we decided to ditch the place and hang out at friends apartment but robin was very new to the Bellingham scene and wasn’t sure about taking the bus and stuff and got left behind. I felt very bad because I was driving everyone and could have easily transported robin without the bus and such. I agonized over it for a long time!! It was very silly of me but I spent a lot of time wishing we could have hung out more than just that night.

We of course had a long period of just being Silently Supportive mutuals and never got to hang out. I remember them staying in school over the summer and wanting VERY BADLY to hang out but not being sure how to go about it because I’m awkward and didn’t know Rob that well. Over the summer we ended up interacting, and low-key commenting and stuff, and it was good. At a certain point I remember thinking Robin was cute. Immediately after this realization I kinda figured out I was in for a shitshow in crush town.

I spent most of September with a big huge growing crush. Every time robin even POSTED a selfie I got so excited! They were so cute!!! At a certain point I was aware of my crush and COULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Every time robin even liked my post I would gush about it nonstop to @funkadacious and you can ask him because I would never shut up and stop sending him their cute selfies. Somewhere in the midst of all this, in an interaction during robin’s fai blogging, i reassured them that they were pretty and robin IMMEDIATELY AND SHOCKINGLY admitted they thought i was hot upon first meeting me and i lost my shit, died, and descended unto gay heaven all while continuing to flirt back and forth for a bit.

I could not believe it. ROBIN. THE ONE I COULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT. THOUGHT I WAS HOT AND WAS FLIRTING WITH ME. WHAT. AM I DREAMING. WHAT IS HAPPENING. you can imagine.

when school started in late september, i posted a few VERY INTENTIONALLY FLATTERING AND CUTE SELFIES, literally only so that i could passively grab more attention from robin. who reblogged them and made me feel very nice.

now, when my year-long depressive episode got to a bad spot in october, robin surprised me by offering to hang out because I probably needed someone to talk to. I of course said yes (all while gushing to nick, casey, all my classmates in theatre class, and literally any coworker that would listen including my poor boss who still hears this all the time) and spent the next few days in a giddy excitement until meeting robin for coffee after my theatre class.

i was dizzy upon seeing them sitting at that last table in the cafe. this was real and robin was there, VERY CUTE and in person for the first time in over a year, and they were waiting for me. ME. WHAT. i got a coffee and a pastry to share and sat down.

We talked for hours and hours and hours. About art, school, growing up, mental health, everything. I remembered how robin talked fast when they were excited and thought it was adorable. Eventually the sun started to set and it reflected in their eyes and I literally had to pause the conversation to admit I could not stop staring at how beautiful they were. Eventually my mom called me and i didn’t have the nerve to tell her I was getting coffee with my crush but eventually she hung up and soon after the dreaded question popped up.

“So. Im kinda wondering. Is this a… uh.. a date? Or like a friend thing? Or both..? I’m just curious, anything is fine.”

“Oh! UH. IT… CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE…..”

“Okay! It’s a date then.”

Cue me dying. At the end of said date, robin asked if a hug was ok (right after I made the best pun of my life about kissing) and it was VERY okay and I clung for dear life and it was wonderful.

The weekend after this, I was traveling internationally during what was hyped up to be a VERY BIG STORM to get up to canada for @limes-and-kiwis birthday. I was told by many Not to go, but I’m a stubborn fuck. Robin texted me and was VERY FLIRTATIOUS when I was on my way up saying I had to stay safe! For our second date!! And this text made me so excited I literally had to stop by my work on my way up and show the text to my manager and I was dead!!!!

i of course made it safely and had a wonderful time with casey. Me, being gay, at one point had to go through robin’s selfie tag to show Casey, and I passed her my phone. Immediately after i had the realization that my best friend was an untrustworthy wingman and I was a dead man. I of course get my phone back with EVERY SELFIE OF ROBINS FOR THE LAST YEAR, LIKED, and of course casey is extremely proud of herself and smug as all hell. Me, being mortified, of course had to send a very embarrassing “IT WASN’T ME STALKING THROUGH YOUR PHOTOS I CAN EXPLAIN” message to robin over snapchat, which opened a new can of worms and was a cue for MUCH MUCH MORE FLIRTING.

we of course went on a second date after I got back, and also ran into eachother at the grocery store a few days later which I gave robin a ride home from and got a kiss on the cheek. I was grinning for hours afterwards and my boss made fun of me.

eventually at the party with robin’s friends, I flirted A LOT and we were very affectionate and at one point a friend said we very very cute and asked how long we had been dating. We looked at eachother and I was like “ok so this is official? We’re gfs?? Yeah?” And robin agreed and we were OFFICIAL. GFS. THE ONES YOU KNOW AND LOVE. and the rest of the night was very very good and cuddly and I was the happiest I had been in a while.

the relationship really only got better and better from there. Robin is SO supportive and so loving and smart and I adore them so so much. They make me feel safe and appreciated and I can only hope I do the same. Robin touched on A Lot in their post and described things better than I ever could but like. It’s true. Everything is just… better.

robin’s February Thing was also accompanied by Laura’s February Thing, and so we both had very bad brains at the time and being silly, had a hard time reaching out. But the next day when I found out what was going on, I had a moment of clarity. Sure I was terrified of reaching out, and being rejected, or having a fight, but I realized I couldn’t risk losing what I have with robin. It’s grown to be everything to me and i knew I had to see them no matter what and I did and it was so healing and good and I’ll never regret just marching across campus to their dorm.

but anyway. This got long. Basically I’m very much in love and will never shut up about it. @flovvright is the light of my life and every moment I spend with robin is perfect. Because we fit so perfectly together and it’s just… It’s good. It’s real good. I never thought I’d be at this point and it constantly amazes me. I don’t know what else to say but rest assured there’s a lot left unsaid and I just want my girlfriend to know how much they mean the absolute world to me and how they just consistently make my life a better life no matter how hard things get.

[sneaky-pete]

it’s the emo post.

hi! as you may have heard, i like this girl! and by my own anxiety, unfamiliarity of dating, being in relationships, and Texting correctly, it hasn’t been the smoothest time for yours truly. it’s not her fault at all, and that’s an important place to start before i Emo Post. this is going to be a selfish post. i’m going to talk about my experience.

to start with a background, i am 21 years old and i am a no-kiss, no-hand-holding virgin. i crushed on two girls in high school for a very long time, one girl who made advances on me which i really liked and then she never talked to me again, and the girl who i went to prom with senior year that i lost my crush for before that actual prom night. the only crush/person that i had romantic intentions for in college was a girl from nov 2016 to jan 2017. my problem in that one was that she was 4 years older than me, did not live on campus, and i did not tell her early enough that i liked her. 

not that all 21-year-old virgins aren’t, but i feel like i’m a charismatic and attractive enough dude to have had at least some experience. on several occasions whenever my romantic past has come up, people have been surprised to hear that i haven’t been with anyone before. people tend to like me! i’ll say it! i know it’s true! it’s not hard for me to find a little social nugget to dig into when i meet a new person and create a social relationship. i can read a room! i can tell if someone has something on their mind! i daresay that i’m a pretty socially intelligent person!

the only people that have come right up to me and said they thought i was attractive/they had feelings for me was (1) a 14-year-old when i was 18, (2) a gay man who apparently serially asks men out, and (3) a girl that i felt was very unstable as a person and also went to school 4 hours away. there are two people that i have heard from others that were attracted to me, (1) the girl that asked me to her senior prom my junior year and (2) someone told me that their friend was very attracted to me and thought i was funny! so yeah! that’s my experience for people being attracted to me! moving on!

i’m not the most masculine guy, either. i’m not into sports, i cross my legs, i empathize a lot more with women than the traditional masculine guy, my voice is not flat and boring, i can recognize that other men are attractive, sexy, or what have you without fear. i’ve never wanted to date a man though. however, can i say with confidence that i will only like women? no, i can’t. i’m keeping my options open. were i to find a man attractive at some point, i would possibly look into it. am i straight? am i bi? who knows. will i tell others i’m straight until proven otherwise? we’ll, i’ll say i’m straight and if i’m comfortable with the person asking i would say that i do find some men attractive, not have not yet wanted to date one. do i have straight privilege though? absolutely. some people have mistaken me for being gay! that’s fine! does this add anything to the story! no! but it does make the “reader” more acquainted with my sexuality i guess?

my job last summer was being an orientation leader for new students coming to the school. we got hired on the basis that we seemed to have good social skills and are charismatic. it was a really fun summer! i got to live in a huge building that had only the 40 of us socially-outgoing folk in it! now, of course, this would be the place to try to find someone to date because (1) all of the hot, funny, and outgoing people all in one place! and (2) everyone has their own rooms so if there was Sex To Be Had it would be very conducive to that. of course dating coworkers can get hairy but i was lucky (/s) enough that this never was the case. everyone there BECAUSE they were hot, funny, and outgoing were all in relationships. there were many people that were not single that i had VERY soft and light crushes on, because who wouldn’t?? everyone there was great! 

one of the not-single people who i thought was cute that i never really talked to that much (we had a mutual friend we were both close to) i discovered on tinder in february. we acknowledged each other, and apparently she told some mutual friends about our matching. one of those friends brought us two and another “couple” he was trying to match-make to a music department event and afterparty. the girl and i talked during the show. i knew she liked books a lot so i centered the conversation around it so she could talk about herself and feel good. one of our friends asked if some dude with long hair was coming and she said that she didn’t know and that he was kind of boring. at the afterparty, she’s texting a lot and this dude with long hair comes over and is with her for the rest of the night. of course, i’m mad at myself at this point for having hopes and for not being more confident in myself or whatever. i text her to make sure she gets home safe: and we’ve texted every day for a month and a half since. of course, the next week, she Unfortunately gets sick, so i can’t hang out with her at all then. the next week is spring break where it’s Unfortunately blizzarding all week and she still has the flu. we still talk though and it’s very nice. we’re keeping each other company while trapped at home! of course during this time, me being me, i begin to value her texts too much. i would get very anxious for no reason if she didn’t respond right away. it’s selfish and insecure of me and i haven’t quite shaken it yet, but hopefully i do at some point. we both go to march for our lives in boston the week after break with our friends and bond a little more there. i ask her when the day is done if she would like to do something later on in the week. she said yes! my excitement was through the roof! 

a few days later, i ask her if she wants to go to a little indoor hippie mall/bazaar called mill no 5 and she said yes!! i didn’t realize that i scheduled it for my birthday, but she told me the very next day that i did! she plans a birthday dinner with my friend group. i ask for lowell burger co. and the day is set! she asks later on in the week if i had any evening plans and i said no. OF COURSE i have to plan because i wasn’t sure what that meant! did it mean simply hang out? did it mean sex? who’s to say! i acquire condoms just in case the day before. the next day, we go out! we have a wonderful time! she’s beautiful! her big, golden green eyes are bright and she’s wonderful. we go to mill no 5, sit in the coffee shop and talk for a couple hours, we order food and talk some more. we go check out the shops and i ask her if she wants a 2 hour halftime between our millno5date (which i said very fast and who knows if she considers it a date to this day (she probably does how was that not a date)). we take our half time, she drops me off, i nap, she showers and changes. we go to lowell burger co., i order my first beer and i don’t get carded. she and two of my friends draw on the tablecloth some happy birthday art which i still have on my wall. after dinner, we go back to my place and my friends are still there which i did not expect at all!!! we talk, we watch dunkirk, we talk some more until 1:30am! there is supportive, playful hand, arm, and leg touching during our storytellings! she asks be if anyone got me anything for my birthday and i put her hand to my cheek and say my gift was my great day with you!!!! i’m on cloud 9! i think it’s the most dopamine ever released at once in my brain! i walk her to her car, she drives me back up to the entrance of my building, and i hug her and say GOODBYE BUD like a dummy, it’s fine though. i ask her if she wants to do more stuff like this and she says yes!!!

of course, the next day i overthink all of it. i was very low energy and had a sort of a post-high-dopamine-release depression day. i have lunch with her and a friend at the dining hall a few days later and i can barely eat. seeing each other was good though. it was very difficult to eat anything that week because of how much i was overthinking about her. i ask her a few days later if she wants to go see airplane! and get pho afterwards. she says yes! my eating returns to normal. that weekend, i go to pax and text her the whole time. i buy her a hufflepuff pin there because that’s both of our hogwarts house! the next week (this week that just passed) on tuesday we had lunch at the dining hall again but this time the friend can’t make it, and we have a wonderful time talking for an hour and a half! i give her the pin, she gives me a great big hug, and we part. that’s the last time i saw her!

(i really enjoy talking to her in person SO MUCH MORE than over text. texting makes me anxious and she does not respond right away and for things that don’t necessarily need a response (a meme, a thing that can be said “nice” or some other sort of positive confirmation) she does not respond to, which i get irrationally anxious about, so much that i sometimes turn my phone off so i don’t look at it at all.)

she was in a relationship last year until december when that guy told her he does not love her. of course, she is still grieving now. she retweets/reblogs on twitter and tumblr (two things i SURE SHOULDN’T have followed) emo things about healing and how men are liars so i know that she MIGHT not be in a great place emotionally to be dated yet. yet another Unfortunate thing! on top of the first few weeks not being able to meet up and as well as her not living on campus (she lives 10-15ish minutes away, too far to walk to and not a familiar, friendly, campus-y, dorm-y environment). but here’s the next part that’s super unfortunate that happened yesterday that has me selfishly feeling down today!

yesterday her brother left his wife and is moving back into their childhood home! my friends had a cover show last night and at lunch on tuesday she said she was excited to go and see people but not nessecarily for the loud music (me too, sis!!). because of her brother needing her, she Unfortunately can’t go to the party! she tells me through text that her life recently has been one shitty thing after another and that she’s always sad! (list of things probably: getting dumped, being at home all the time, MAYBE our mutual friend that is her best friend getting in trouble in conduct with sexual things, and her brother!) i empathize a lot with her! that is all very bad! but my selfish monkey brain had been looking forward to this (and the airplane! and pho date) all week and was sad to not see her there. i ask her at 11am today if she can still make the movies tonight and she responds at 1:30pm that her brother needs her and she has to cancel. that’s fine! but i’m still sad i don’t get to see her! 

this has all been very unlucky! there are still multiple chances this week for us to see each other: lunch tues/thurs, our friend’s thesis defense wednesday, and seeing the theatre dept show friday. hopefully she can make at least one or two of them! i still like her a lot but realize that this may not be the best time to tell her my feelings for her. originally i planned for that to be tonight after our date but that’s not the case anymore. 

i don’t know. i really like her. i’m pretty sure she knows. my roommate, best friend, and confidant through this says that from a third-person lens that is not in the situation and does not have anxiety about it that she really likes me too. i just want this to work out. i wanna kiss her pretty face and wonderful nose. i want to laugh and talk for hours with her. i want to hold her warm hands and look up into her golden green eyes. i want to hear her talk about the books she’s reading. i want to know if she likes me too. i want to know if we could date. i wanna be her man.