#did an incredibly shitty job at protecting him but yknow

[tojosuggestionbox]

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[guess-my-next-obsession]

i am so excited for the new chapter you don’t even know!!! everything you write is incredible and i’m so in love with your fics! 🖤

and idk about this idea and how it would play into your headcanons for breakingupslowly!joel and reader, but lately i’ve been thinking about reader being in upset for whatever reason and lowkey taking it out on joel, snapping at him when he tries to ask her why she’s in a mood, and then he just claps right back at her with the same energy, but she breaks down and starts to cry and joel feels awful. but reader apologizes right away and just tells him she’s feeling down about something and hes like “why didn’t you just tell me, darlin, yknow i’m here for ya” and then she gives into his cuddles!🥺

Breaking Up Slowly: Drabble #1

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

rating: M (relationship issues, mentions of sex, brief violence, arguments, brief talk of Sarah, soft ending)

word count: 1.5k

a/n: anon, i loveeeeeeedddddd this ask!! this is gonna be set at the beginning of their relationship when they were back in Boston.

series masterlist

It had been about a month since you and Joel took the leap from friends to something more, and although you were more than content with the physical aspect of your relationship, it was beginning to frustrate you how little he allowed you into his mind and heart. No matter how hard you tried to provide him with a safe place to open up, he seemed dead set against it. It was beginning to eat away at your confidence. Why didn’t he trust you?

Even without taking into account your relationship troubles, the day had been a grueling one. A trade with a group of hunters that Joel and Bill used to be a part of had gone about as south as it could go without someone dying.

You, Joel, Tess, and Bill had gathered for the meeting, the four of you now running with the smugglers rather than the violent hunters. The trade was supposed to be a relatively simple one: ammunition for med supplies. You can take a guess at who wanted what. But nothing was ever so simple in this nightmare of a world.

After a long shouting match with threats of murder and all sorts of other nasty, nasty things, one of the hunters took it upon himself to lunge at you, landing a blow across your cheek. The ring he was wearing sliced a cut onto your cheekbone, but the wound was nothing life-threatening. Regardless, Joel rectified the situation by swinging a crowbar at the man’s kneecap, shattering it and breaking his leg.

“Go!” he shouted, looking only at you. Your brows furrowed as you looked to the other two in your group, gesturing at them. “I said go.”

With a huff, you ran off back to your apartment, frustrated by his chivalrous act and protective nature when you probably should have been grateful. All you could gather from his order was that he saw you as a weak link, a liability.

He didn’t think you could hold your own out there.

Hours later, you found yourself back in your apartment, nursing the wound on your cheek while eating the pack of shitty ramen you’d picked up at the ration supply. The sound of pouring rain outside your window filled the darkened apartment as you sat on your sofa, staring blankly at the water droplets racing each other down the glass, your frustration turning to anger the longer he took to come home to you.

Not only did he not trust you with his heart and mind, he apparently didn’t even trust you to do your job. The job you’d been doing long before he ever came along. The job you’d been hard at work perfecting while he was off running with the hunters.

The door swinging open pulled your eyes from the windowpane, your stare full of irritation as his wet, muddy boots squelched along the hardwood of your apartment.

“Couldn’t wipe your feet at the door?” you snapped before shoveling some of the noodles into your mouth, turning your eyes back to the window. Joel sighed as he hung up his jacket and took his boots off, his lack of response only fueling the anger that festered inside of you.

When he walked into the kitchen, he seemed to not give a damn about your obviously upset state, his heavy hands opening and closing cabinets and drawers driving you half-mad as you sat there trying to tune him out with your jaw clenched.

“You want a beer?” His voice was just as snappy as yours when he finally spoke, causing you to whip your head around with furrowed brows and a pointed stare.

“Do I want a fucking beer?” you snapped, Joel’s deadpan forcing all of the words you’d been swallowing to surface in your throat. “What I want is for you to tell me why you don’t fucking trust me to do my job.”

Joel rolled his eyes and popped the cap on his beer, swallowing half of it in one chug. You stood up and walked to the kitchen, your shoulder hitting his as you breezes past him, tossing your food into the garbage as your appetite disappeared.

“God damn, you’re in a mood today,” he sighed and walked to the sofa. You fought the urge to throw your bowl across the room at him. “Most people would be thankful—“

“Thankful? For fucking what, Joel? For you sending me home after a little fucking punch? I’ve been shot, stabbed, and beaten, and you think a little punch is too much for me?” You stomped over at him and stood in front of him as he sat on the sofa, giving you that famous scowl of his. “You don’t fucking trust me out there, you don’t trust me in here—“

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout? If I didn’t trust you out there, why would I willingly join a team with you on it? If I didn’t trust you in here, why would I be sat here with a damn beer, my gun left back at my own damn place?” He watched you carefully as you tried to stop yourself from crying, from letting him know the real reason you felt so insulted today. “You want to enlighten me on what’s really goin’ on, darlin? Or you just gonna keep on starin’ at me in hopes I figure it out?”

“You’re—“ you stopped yourself from speaking, your tone too harsh for the vulnerability you were about to show. Taking a deep breath, you groaned at the tears that had started to spill despite your best efforts to keep them at bay. Joel sighed too, setting his beer down and standing up, his hands resting on both sides of your face, avoiding the swollen cut on your cheek.

“C’mon,” he attempted to guide you into your bedroom, the only place the two of you knew how to give yourselves over to one another, but you stopped him with a frustrated click of your tongue.

“No, Joel,” you shined in protest, nearly stomping your foot like a child. Joel looked at your with a furrowed stare, confused by your display of frustration. You gestures towards your bedroom and sighed. “You only ever want me like that. You only trust me enough to fuck me.”

“What?” He guffawed at your accusation, his hands perching on his hips.

“You don’t open up to me, you don’t talk to me, you don’t…you just want to fuck me,” you spoke in a small voice, your eyes unable to meet his as you uttered the last few words. Joel sighed, his hand raking over his face as he looked down at the floor and shook his head.

“Ain’t true.” That was all he said for a while, the two of you standing there unable to meet each other’s eyes as you tried to work out something to say that wouldn’t turn into a fight.

“I don’t know anything about you,” you finally spoke, sitting down on the sofa and letting your head fall into your hands. “I try to earn your trust, to give you the space to open up to me, but…nothing I do is good enough—“

“That ain’t it,” he snapped, sitting down beside you. “I just ain’t…an open book like that. It ain’t you, baby.”

You let out a huff, turning to look at him with softer eyes. It was hard to remain upset at him when he used that pet name, which was probably why he saved it for special occasions. Reaching over, you laid the back of your hand on his thigh, offering it up for him to hold. Joel looked down at it for a moment before intertwining his fingers with yours, lifting your knuckles to his lips to kiss them.

“I’ll try…just…be patient with me,” he whispered, turning his hazel eyes to yours. You flickered a smile and nodded, resting your head on his shoulder as the two of you sat staring out of the window. “I…had a daughter. Before all this.”

You tried not to show your shock, not wanting to come off too strong and scare him away from telling you anything in the future.

“Where is she now?” You asked and immediately regretted it. You should’ve known by now that this world was a cruel one, and Joel Miller didn’t seem the type to abandon his child. “Sorry…stupid question.”

“It’s alright,” he kissed the top of your head. “I don’t like talkin’ about it. Don’t like thinkin’ about it.”

“You don’t have to say anything more,” you assured, turning your face to kiss his clothed shoulder. “You telling me anything is a start. I just wanted to know that this was just…sex.”

“It’s more than that, baby. No matter how hard I try to fight it. You’re more than that.” He let go of your hand, repositioning himself on the sofa so that he was laying on his back, guiding you to lay on top of him. You nuzzled into his chest and hummed at his warmth beneath you, the two of you having yet to have such a tender moment like this without sex being involved. “I trust ya. In every aspect. Alright?”

You nodded, nearing sleep. “Good. I trust you too.”

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[zenyattasperceptrons]

sj rambling like goddamn for real

///////

i know it’s not “time for rhetoric”

theres literally people chanting na/zi slogans on the street. and that’s terrifying. and i don’t even know the half of how terrifying it can be. and it needs to stop. yeah.

but. ive been grappling with this phrase in my head for a while. im not quite sure it makes sense yet. but it’s something like, “opposite is not dissimilar.” if something is “opposite” it actually has quite a lot to do with the thing it’s opposite to. It’s across from this thing on one single axis, as opposed to catty corner and off in another section on the y coordinate and blah blah...

so. yknow. no, i don’t think people who use tactics similar to the alt-r/ight, but on the other end of the political spectrum are “just as bad.” it’s very difficult to be “just as bad” as... actual... na/zis ....but. I do think those tactics are incredibly polarizing and short-term and...well, violent. And I don’t know if you’ve looked around America lately (I wish I could stop looking around), polarization looks like an absolute shitshow. I mean, part of it is that the loudest voices are the most extreme, so the ones you hear about are the ones who are pretty set in their ways.

But there are people who follow more right-wing politics that aren’t that polarized. Yet. And they’re probably thinking, yknow...what a mess their party has become. Like, in some ways, don’t you really wish we could trade for Romney right now? Like, he’s obviously not the #1 choice but if your only option was Romney or this, I would take Romney. And I bet a lot of republicans feel that way too. They don’t want to be associated with this. Some might very strongly feel that it needs to stop, they just...aren’t sure what to do about it.

And there’s not a lot of entry points for that when all of the talk going around is something like... yknow.. “all republicans are horrid beings and this was the obvious outcome of their beliefs” etc etc and. so. there’s not a lot of places where people can go and get something like. “okay. we don’t agree on some things. and we’re definitely going to hash that out. but we can do that LATER. right now we need to work together to stop this absolute cancer from taking over america.” but aside our differences. work together. it sounds optimistic, but...is it naive to say that people on any side would like there to not be na/zis in america right now? i... hope not.

i just. I don’t want to be “opposite” to this group. I want to be the wrench in the entire system. I don’t want to hammer this nail so deep into the ground with brute force that you don’t see it anymore, but it might still wiggle out if the floorboards loosen. I want there to be no need for this nail. I want to redo the entire floor, yknow. I want the people who have these beliefs to...not feel anymore like they need them. Now that...that’s naive. That’s idealistic. But I think working with that goal in mind is better than. Not.

I just don’t know how to deal with the short term problem while considering long term effects. i dont have the answer here. maybe...maybe we need to do whatever we can to stop this from happening right now

but. maybe this is a cycle. maybe what’s happening is the pushback just keeps springing over with as much force as it took to push it back down. I haven’t...been alive to see most of these cycles so it’s really hard to make a big picture out of it but. Bush? We hated him. What a shitshow! He was so bad we all rallied together to get Obama elected, and that was good. I’m glad that happened. But then...republicans were so mad about this yknow, the entire government refused to do anything his entire administration. how many times did they do that stupid vote to repeal the ACA instead of getting actual work done? and we thought they were just...being extremely childish about this whole thing! making policy isn’t about standing steadfast in the ground and refusing to move, it’s about compromising and figuring out a solution that can move forward.

and then...the pushback was, unfortunately, this guy. which i still have trouble believing got legitimately elected. i don’t think my heart can take the idea of this guy getting legitimately elected. and...what did the democrats do? they said, no. we’re going to sit and oppose every single thing this guy wants to do. and... i want them to do that. i desperately do. but now i understand how the republicans felt when obama was in office. i can’t say i agree with those feelings, i don’t think “oh, well what they did under obama was okay i guess,” but i understand what it feels like.

but. how do you compromise when your parties are growing more and more polarized with more and more separate ideals and more and more sentiment that the other side is evil and wants to destroy you.

because. well... personally, i can’t think of republican policy without thinking of people...dying in result. in direct result. people need food stamps to eat. they need welfare and health insurance, god do people need health insurance. these policies will kill people, and that is my genuine belief.

and i don’t understand how republicans can oppose what we stand for. I don’t.

But... I do believe they feel the same way. Somehow. I can’t explain it, but I know they feel this way. We are a direct threat to their lives. I don’t agree with it. But it’s a fact that that sentiment exists in some people.

so where do we go from here. we can’t relax and begin to compromise unless they relax and begin to compromise at an exactly equal pace. and how do you do that? how do you enforce that? how do you enforce trust and goodwill? how do you take the first step forward in letting the barricade down without getting completely stampeded by people who are, at this point, absolutely happy to take the opportunity?

i don’t know. im lost. i’m completely at a loss here as to how to move forward.

but i know that pushing back with brute force is...going to end in violence. somehow. we can’t keep up like this. something is going to break. our government cannot operate like this anymore. let’s be honest--it’s not operating like this anymore. our government is no longer functioning.

and that’s how things change, i guess. that’s how colonies threw off their colonizers. a violent revolution. that’s the way to do away with the system and build another on top of the rubble.

but since when has that worked out. that’s not an option i’m excited about. people will die. we all know how war works these days. it’s not a bunch of volunteers going off into an empty field and fighting in the name of their country. it’s personal. it involves civilians. it’s long and drawn out and it’s automated. innocent people get involved. all of those people we’re trying to protect with government benefits--what will happen to them if there’s not a government anymore. i just.

i don’t know what the conclusion of this post was supposed to be anymore.

i think what i really want to say, and what i really want to be true, but wishing isn’t going to make it come into existence

i want to release the pressure. i want people who are capable of doing this, and not in immediate danger, to reach out to those around them and talk to them. i want to be human to each other and i want to be understanding. i want to talk about ideals. yes, i want to sit down and have a goddamn talk about ideals and that doesn’t make me a traitor to our cause because there are so many of us and we can be doing different things at the same time! violence is a shitty patch-up job for what’s going on right now. if you’re in direct danger or someone close to you is in direct danger then yes, take action, please, protect yourself, protect those close to you, protect strangers who need your protection, but don’t pretend like self-defense is a political solution to what’s going on right now. it’s necessary, but it’s not addressing the root cause. we can’t go around perpetuating it because that’s not what we should want. we want people to feel safe because when people feel safe they don’t enact violence against other people at least in the large, large majority of cases. i don’t want those who can’t defend themselves to have to continue relying on other people to help them, i want them to feel safe on their own. i don’t want to put vulnerable people’s lives at risk for the sake of some kind of righteous vigilante justice. i want to have a system that works and to me what that means is people who are willing to talk to each other and be compassionate and address concerns and just. just be human! connect! hold fucking hands and sing songs together!!!!! fuck it!!!

fuck it!!!! the tools of violence are bad tools and the second we lay them down they’ll get picked up by people who will use them against us and idk about you but i dont want to keep violence in an iron grip all my life!!! AUGH