#did i redownload the calorie tracker? yup
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#just came to the realization on my way to work that i don't want to relapse. for like a month i've been telling myself i do and that i can#starve again and get thin again and be 'better'#and i keep 'failing' at restricting over and over and telling myself 'u recovered for six months u just need to practice'#but the truth is i don't hate hpw i look enough anymore to suffer like that again#do i still think sbt it everyday? yes#did i redownload the calorie tracker? yup#but i used it once. once. and couldn't even log everything befpre 'giving up'#a part of me feels shame for not feeling worse ang my weight but the larger part of me is scared of dying and passing out and missing out on#lunch with my friends#i like sharing desert with my gf i like making breakfast in the morning i like going on a picnic with my sister#i could be thin but why? how can i critique ppl for botox and photoshop when i starve myself to feel fuckable?#i'm still not in a fully recovered space but i've goven up on trying to get sicker#i just want to work out and eat what i like and if i lose or gain weight i guess that was what was supposed to happen#personal
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