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#didnt enjoy putting stuff back together. its almost like a sick incentive. like i act like garbage and then fix it and get dopamine about it
anethum-etcetera
ยท
3 months
Text
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#i wish i had any fucking chill at all
#i am so fucking aggressive about how i feel and i fucking hate it
#every single part of me wants to break everything around me and scream and cry until my throat is raw
#over literally nothing.
#this time over stupid video game
#once over an argument in my head
#sometimes over a conversation going poorly
#and instead of the catharsis of busting my knuckles and skull open and breaking my teeth on every object in a 10 ft radius
#i break one thing i dont have the time or energy to fix right now. and feel like shit about it.
#so now im sitting here writing this out and shaking like a fucking nervous mutt trying my best to...what exactly
#minimize property damage
#try to impose discipline
#act like i have any control over how my body functions
#the dumbest part of this is now i have a pretty decent idea on how to repair joycons and procontrollers and how to troubleshoot and
#what bits need to fit with others and what specifically is annoying to put together. i wonder if i would have more control if i
#didnt enjoy putting stuff back together. its almost like a sick incentive. like i act like garbage and then fix it and get dopamine about it
#i need therapy. moreso i need someone to talk at i think. i wanna get drunk and complain and not have to act like i have a plan
#biggest thing is i cant sleep. but fixing that is the plan i still dont have and at this point may never achieve. i feel like a failure.
#fuck
#at least I've stopped shaking and now am just depressed. maybe i should just play games i don't think about until side order comes out. idk
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