#so now im sitting here writing this out and shaking like a fucking nervous mutt trying my best to...what exactly
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#i wish i had any fucking chill at all#i am so fucking aggressive about how i feel and i fucking hate it#every single part of me wants to break everything around me and scream and cry until my throat is raw#over literally nothing.#this time over stupid video game#once over an argument in my head#sometimes over a conversation going poorly#and instead of the catharsis of busting my knuckles and skull open and breaking my teeth on every object in a 10 ft radius#i break one thing i dont have the time or energy to fix right now. and feel like shit about it.#so now im sitting here writing this out and shaking like a fucking nervous mutt trying my best to...what exactly#minimize property damage#try to impose discipline#act like i have any control over how my body functions#the dumbest part of this is now i have a pretty decent idea on how to repair joycons and procontrollers and how to troubleshoot and#what bits need to fit with others and what specifically is annoying to put together. i wonder if i would have more control if i#didnt enjoy putting stuff back together. its almost like a sick incentive. like i act like garbage and then fix it and get dopamine about it#i need therapy. moreso i need someone to talk at i think. i wanna get drunk and complain and not have to act like i have a plan#biggest thing is i cant sleep. but fixing that is the plan i still dont have and at this point may never achieve. i feel like a failure.#fuck#at least I've stopped shaking and now am just depressed. maybe i should just play games i don't think about until side order comes out. idk
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