#dipper: no follow the PowerPoint

[incorrectpinescone]

Wirt: “Dipper, why does it take you an hour to wash your hair?”

Dipper: “Mabel, PowerPoint.”

Wirt: “…What is happening right now?”

Mabel, after she set up her PowerPoint: “You got your pre-shampoo-“

Wirt: “You’re…You’re what?”

Mabel: “Pay attention. All questions will be answered after the presentation. Now, you got your pre-shampoo. Twenty minutes. Actual shampoo and conditioner, in the shower. However long that takes. But, you have to let the conditioner sit in your hair. And if you have curly hair like us, you’re showering with cold water. Then, you have your leave-in conditioner-“

Wirt: “How is a leave-in conditioner different than-“

Mabel: “FOCUS! So, you got your leave-in conditioner. Then, you have to decide if you want to towel-dry or air dry. If you towel dry, you’ll use some curl cream. And you can’t forget about the hair oil…”

[creativewritingfinalportfolio]

Short Story

The sun's warm rays spread over Northern California, illuminating the suburban town of Trabajando's grandiose houses and well kept lawns. Cycling back home after a long night working on the Bernie campaign in one of the city's many bike lanes was our hero Maple Lacroix. Maple parked her bike in the shed next to her modest but well kept house and glanced across the street. She noticed that the "for sale" sign across the street had been replaced with one declaring the property had been sold. She briefly wondered who could have possibly bought the least energy efficient house in all of Trabajando, but set aside her musings for a time when she wasn't half asleep. The next day Maple set off to work on her bike. She enjoyed the work she did for her paid internship at an up and coming law firm, but what truly made the position perfect for her was the flexible hours. She was immediately swarmed by a group of her coworkers upon entering the stout brick building. "Maple! Thank goodness you're here!" exclaimed Aspen, her coworker. "We're absolutely swamped! TPD has already received five complaints this morning about the Cringé family!" Maple's other coworker Chia clarified. "Who?" Maple questioned. "The Cringé family- they're new in town, just moved in across the street from you," Aspen said. "While everyone in this town prides themselves on being open minded, people just can't excuse wastefulness or toxic masculinity!" After careful examination of the evidence, Maple attended a one o'clock briefing on the situation. A man in a suit was giving a presentation at the front of the room. "As you can see," he said, "the Cringé family poses no serious threat to Trabajando." The room burst into chatter. Lawyers and other interns frantically scrambled to record the information. Maple, being familiar with the facts of the case, jumped at the chance to correct him. "You've got that wrong!" Maple's clear voice rang out. The room fell silent. "The Cringé family is the most serious threat to Trabajando we've seen in a long time. But not to worry. I have a plan." "Wait a second, you're just an intern!" The man in the suit cried. "I may be an intern," she glanced around the room, "but this is a really good idea, I swear!"

Maple marched through the doors of the Bernie campaign's main office with a stately air of purpose. The room looked the same as always- star spangled posters, a cardboard cutout of the senator himself, a few local high school students lounging around, sitting on top of the desks they were supposed to be working behind. Maple had grown relatively close to the politically active bunch, and decided they would be of great value in helping her with the mission. "Alright guys, I need your help," she declared. "Lit! Everyone in this town's already voting for Bernie, so we've been doing nothing for the past two hours," one of the teenagers said. Maple turned off the lights for dramatic effect. "A darkness has come to this land and we are Trabajando's last hope of defeating it. Without us, their ignorance and misinformation will only spread. We must fight... the Cringé family!" Her rallying cry echoed throughout the room. A girl in the corner turned the lights back on. "The what?" "I've mapped it all out for you," Maple pulled out a scroll from her messenger bag and unfurled it. "The Cringé family has four children. The eldest, according to our information, is stereotypical thirty one year old brony. The youngest is sixteen. I've dubbed her 'Gravity Falls Kintypes' due to careful examination of the before you follow requirements in her tumblr bio." Maple clicked to the next slide on the PowerPoint that suddenly appeared behind her. Teal words on a lavender background read "do not follow if you ID as Dipper or Mabel. I am literally both of them". A collective shudder spread throughout the room. "It gets worse," Maple warned. "Upward of twenty self diagnosed mental illnesses, plus neopronouns. The middle children are also threats. I've located the twenty year old's true crime blog, where she keeps a record of her adventures in shoplifting and serial killer fanfiction. But the fedora tipping seventeen year old... he might be the worst of them all." "We've never defeated a fedora tipper before!" cried a girl with her hair tied up in Sailor Moon buns. "I know," Maple conceded, "but nothing about this is anything like what we've seen before. What we need is a team of not just social justice warriors, but social justice heroes. That's why I've come to you four." "I want a superhero name!" the girl with the Sailor Moon buns announced. "What's wrong with Stacy Jeanette Webster? Your initials are already S-J-W," a scrub in the back of the room pointed out. "It's lame! I want to be Pilot Sun, get it? Like Sailor Moon?" "Unfortunately," an edgy looking girl with pastel pink hair and a nose ring groaned. "You reblog Sailor Moon stuff all the time, you aesthetic hoe!" The edgy girl flipped her hair. "Yeah, but only when it's my aesthetic." "Your superhero name would be Pastel Goth. You know, like in your blog description!" Stacy suggested enthusiastically. "Guys, we're not superheroes! If anything, we're admittedly less than stellar heroes seeing as you four have been sitting around here doing nothing all day when there's a real threat to our city outside!" Maple exclaimed suddenly. "Wow, saucy. You know, you're a real crunchy granola type but you can get pretty upsetti sometimes. Have some vegan spaghetti," commented a guy in a hoodie. "Come on, guys, Maple's right! We have to save the city!" Stacy urged.

After a few hours of careful strategizing, our heroes had a plan in place. Direct confrontation was decidedly the best attack method. They found the various member of the Cringé family doing exactly what they had predicted. Gravity Falls Kintypes was verbally assaulting the elderly bus driver for assuming her pronouns. With the power of recommending a therapist to help her work through her attention seeking issues, Gravity Falls Kintypes, now known by her birth name, Emily, was saved from a life of cringe. The brony was found harassing women at a local coffee shop. After a lecture on respect, the heroes decided to let him keep doing his thing watching children's cartoons. "As long as he's not hurting anyone, it's his life," Pastel Goth reasoned. A basic economics lesson was enough to get True Crime to stop her shoplifting habit. In fact, after learning how harshly workers were treated under American capitalism, she started working on the Bernie campaign. Her mass murderers blog slowly faded as her interests shifted from killing sprees to social justice. The final challenge was the fedora tipping neckbeard. Maple's blue Honda Fit pulled up outside the public library. "I'm scared. What if we fail?" Pilot Sun's voice quivered. "Failure is simply not an option. Besides, we have all the resources we need. We have MySpace Edgelord to bond with him over their shared edginess." The emo teen flipped her emo hair. "Science Side is an IT millennial- he knows every science!" The scientist zipped his hoodie. "We'd better get in there," he said. "The library's closing soon." Fedora Tipper was found on the third floor of the library reading manga left to right. The team hid behind a bookshelf. "Pilot Sun, go act like a clueless idiot," Maple instructed. "Roger that!" The weeb left their hiding place. She made her way towards another bookshelf. "I wonder if there's anything here my feeble female mind can comprehend," she mumbled thoughtfully. She reached for an old Blue Exorcist. "Oh absolutely not," the fedora tipper materialized behind her. "He's in position! Move in!" Maple commanded. Pastel Goth jumped into action. "Excuse me, were you in need of some help?" "I was just telling this female about the intricacies of dimensions and exorcisms. You know, basic stuff," the fedora tipper sniffed self righteously. "Dimensions, eh?" Science Side thrust himself into the conversation. "Ricky Kremer taught me all about those. (Smart science statement)?" A look of worry crossed Fedora Tipper's face. He didn't know any actual science. "Um, I- I was speaking in metaphor, you know, about the black hole of my soul." Maple's Cheshire grin spread wider as she watched the scene play out from behind the bookcase. "So he's trying to use edginess to walk back his pseudoscience, eh? Well, no one out-edges our secret weapon." MySpace Edgelord emerged from the shadows to join the fight. "Hey." She flipped her hair. "Want to listen to MCR unironically and cry about what an under appreciated character Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is?" Fedora Tipper recoiled. Victory was in sight for our heroes. However, at the last second, the 4chan user broke out of the semicircle they had created around him and dashed towards the stairs. Maple knew there was only one thing left to do. She sprinted after him. "Aaaahjrfbueh!" she cried as she tackled him. They rolled down the stairs, still wrestling. "Maple!" the vegan's loyal team chorused. They peered over the balcony. "It's okay! I'm okay!" Maple assured them. She had pinned Fedora Tipper to the ground. After the team used their superpowers of logic and reason to convince Fedora Tipper to be a decent human being, they left the library. The sky was a vibrant shade of pink as they piled into Maple's blue Honda Fit. The warm California day had faded into a cool and breezy evening. "Hey Maple, how'd you manage to catch him so fast?" Pastel Goth asked. Maple shrugged. "Lots of cycling." "I'm starving!" Pilot Sun yawned. "I need to update my blog," Pastel Goth said, frantically pulling out her phone. "I love science!" Science Side exclaimed. MySpace Edgelord cried. Maple smiled. Her team of heroes had saved the day.