incorrectpinescone - Tumblr blog

[incorrectpinescone]

Wirt: We'd like to patronize your fine establishment my good man.

Dipper: By patronize he means we want to buy stuff from you, not... mock you. We probably will mock you. But that's not what he meant.

Gideon, shaking his fist: I know what he meant. Don't patronize me.

[incorrectpinescone]

Scene: Wirt's going on a business trip leaving dipper and kids at home.

Wirt: Are you sure you'll be Ok?

Dipper: Hon, you worry too much, it's not like we're gonna set the house on fire or something.

Wirt: But you have...more than once.

Dipper: Which won't happen, like those were a really specific set of circumstances, not gonna happen again.

Wirt: Ok, I've written everything on a-

Dipper: -list a top the fridge. You've told us ten times, it'll be fine worry-Wirt. We'll miss you too.

Wirt: Yeah me too, see you soon love. Oh and-

Dipper: BYEEEE!!! ...ok he's gone, ok kids we're gonna have something nutritious, don't wanna disappoint your dad, Ok?

Kid: we're still having ice cream for breakfast, right?

Dipper: Oh, definitely...by the way, where's your sister?

Kid: In the kitchen.

Dipper:What is she-*looks in the kitchen* ...Wirt's gonna kill me.

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Wirt: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.

Dipper: But don't you hate yourself?

Wirt: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

Dipper: But-

Wirt: Do as I say, not as I do damn it!

Greg, in the background: ...Guess he remembers what I taught him???

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*five hundred years in the future*

Ghost!Dipper: “I can’t believe our graves are getting excavated by archaeologists! This is so cool! I can’t wait to know what they’ll learn about our time period!

Ghost!Wirt: I don’t like strangers poking around our bones but I guess if it’s for education…

Ghost!Dipper: Aw, c’mon! These are professionals! They’ll be perfectly respectful, and-

Archaeologist: Look at these two male skeletons embracing. They must have been brothers! Or really close roommates!

Ghost!Dipper: ….

Ghost!Wirt: Let’s haunt him.

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Wirt: “Dipper, why does it take you an hour to wash your hair?”

Dipper: “Mabel, PowerPoint.”

Wirt: “…What is happening right now?”

Mabel, after she set up her PowerPoint: “You got your pre-shampoo-“

Wirt: “You’re…You’re what?”

Mabel: “Pay attention. All questions will be answered after the presentation. Now, you got your pre-shampoo. Twenty minutes. Actual shampoo and conditioner, in the shower. However long that takes. But, you have to let the conditioner sit in your hair. And if you have curly hair like us, you’re showering with cold water. Then, you have your leave-in conditioner-“

Wirt: “How is a leave-in conditioner different than-“

Mabel: “FOCUS! So, you got your leave-in conditioner. Then, you have to decide if you want to towel-dry or air dry. If you towel dry, you’ll use some curl cream. And you can’t forget about the hair oil…”

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Dipper: *watching Wirt race Sara and win every time in the community pool, thinking about how Wirt can hold his breath for minutes at a time and swim like a dolphin and how much he’s attracted to that*

Mabel: “We need to check if he’s fae. He doesn’t swim enough to do all this.”

Dipper: “I’ll follow him into any faery world he calls me to.”

Mabel: “You just like his back muscles.”

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Dipper: “Hey, Harry Styles released a song called ‘Matilda.’ Isn’t that one of your favorite books?”

Wirt: “Cool. Let’s listen!”

Dipper: “…”

Wirt: “…”

Dipper: “Wirt, why are you crying?”

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Dipper: “‘With the Gardiners, they were always on the most intimate terms. Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them.’”

Dipper *closing the book* “You have great taste in books. I can’t believe I never read this.”

Wirt: …

Dipper: “I don’t remember where I put all your classics, but I’ll come back tomorrow with another one. Maybe I’ll read you Dune or something.”

Wirt: …

Dipper: “Or maybe Maurice. I know that’s one of your favorites.”

Wirt: …

Dipper *sighing and getting up* “I miss you, Wirt. I can’t wait to see you, again.”

Dipper *patting the tree Wirt is buried under.* “Say hi to Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford for me, okay?”

[incorrectpinescone]

Wirt: “Dipper, why does it take you an hour to wash your hair?”

Dipper: “Mabel, PowerPoint.”

Wirt: “…What is happening right now?”

Mabel, after she set up her PowerPoint: “You got your pre-shampoo-“

Wirt: “You’re…You’re what?”

Mabel: “Pay attention. All questions will be answered after the presentation. Now, you got your pre-shampoo. Twenty minutes. Actual shampoo and conditioner, in the shower. However long that takes. But, you have to let the conditioner sit in your hair. And if you have curly hair like us, you’re showering with cold water. Then, you have your leave-in conditioner-“

Wirt: “How is a leave-in conditioner different than-“

Mabel: “FOCUS! So, you got your leave-in conditioner. Then, you have to decide if you want to towel-dry or air dry. If you towel dry, you’ll use some curl cream. And you can’t forget about the hair oil…”

[incorrectpinescone]

Wirt: *pointing to a group of people* Is it me or do they look kinda quiet and traumatised?

Dipper: You're being really kind towards people who bullied you.

Wirt: I know but they even apologised to me! That never happens...

Dipper, sweating: Maybe they felt guilty?

Wirt: ...In the all time they spent bullying everyone here, they feel guilty the moment they start teasing me?

Dipper: ...then it must be the bully spirit.

Wirt: The bully what?

Dipper: The bully spirit, y'know, the spirit that haunts bullies.

Wirt: Oh. But why- Dipper, did you sleep at all last night?

Dipper, yawning: O-oh, just y'know, late night studying and totally not haunting bullies, haha.

[incorrectpinescone]

Dipper: Wirt and I are no longer dating.

Wirt: Hon, that's a terrible way to tell people we're married.

Dipper: Well, it's not wrong, is it?

Wirt: You're not technically wrong, but still-

Dipper: Ah. See~

Greg, later on: I heard you broke up with Dipper, I’m so sorry

Wirt: No, what? We’re married, Greg. You were at the wedding, remember?

Greg: But you’re no longer dating? That’s what Dipper said

Wirt: I’m going to kill him

[incorrectpinescone]

*Wirt and Greg’s aunt being antisemitic to the Pines*

Wirt: *purposely stumbles and falls* Oh, I’m so sorry I spilled all your wine Aunt Kathy! Let’s take you to the bathroom and clean you up. It may take a while; red wine is really hard to get out. You’re supposed to rubi, right?

[incorrectpinescone]

Au where Dipper's oblivious to Wirt's feelings and his own

Dipper: Why can't the bicycle stand by itself?

Mabel,whispering: it's gonna be a bad joke isn't it?

Greg: Why?

Dipper: Because it was two tired!...Get it?Cause-

Mabel: Dipper, we get the joke it's just, errr...bro-bro, your jokes are terrible.

Dipper: Wha-no! My jokes are amazing! I mean- look, Wirt likes my jokes! Right Wirt?!

Wirt, obviously fake laughing for too long: Y-yeah, they're great! Would love to have you all my life...to tell me more jokes, of course.

Dipper: See? Someone appreciates my jokes! Wirt, your a great friend.

Wirt, internal screaming: Yeah, great friend.

Mabel and Greg, unable to hold it in, start laughing hysterically.

Dipper, upon realising his feelings ages later and remembering how this reaction went:

[incorrectpinescone]

Wirt: “Alright! Who taught Greg the f-word?!”

Greg: “You mean fuck?” :)

Grunkle Stan: *slowly starts inching away*

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Wirt: “Alright! Who taught Greg the f-word?!”

Greg: “You mean fuck?” :)

Grunkle Stan: *slowly starts inching away*

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Wirt: oh look! are we standing under mistletoe right now? wow so romantic! haha 💕

Dipper: close, but that’s actually that’s holly, Wirt. look at the berries and the shape of the leaves. it’s completely different. whoever put this up doesn’t know their stuff. but i can teach you more about plant identification if you want ❤️

Wirt: sure. thanks.

Dipper, later: oh. fuck.

[incorrectpinescone]

Beast!Wirt: “alright Bipper, I’ll hear your favorite song”

Bipper: “Alright hotshot, let me bless you’re ear holes with 10 hours of Rising Shepherd Tone-“

B!Wirt: “that better be the name and not 10 actually hours cause I will beat you.”