#discount 90s Leo DiCaprio

[seenashwrite]

Conversations With The Commissioner: Crappy Monsters In Barber Shops, a.k.a. Nash's First Headcanon + Wine = The Image I’ll Never Be Able To Top

@lipstickandwhiskey kindly thought to tag me when she saw a jovial post that reminded her of my disappointment in the lack of dinosaurs in the *alternate world and hoped to cheer me, but little did she know [mainly because I completely brain farted on posting this way-back-when] this had been addressed. In an objectively bizarre way. Admittedly.

FYI: Spit-take warning in effect, also cursing, should you choose to carry on

Preamble

* Dear SPN Writers' Room*: I'm not calling it The Bad Place, because I'm done with y'all ripping from other stuff, in this case, a beyond phenomenal show - hey! you do recognize carefully crafted season arcs when you see it! - even if y'all thought it was a homage, it's not since viewers of the show "The Good Place" already know about The Bad Place and it's not a physical nightmare, it's a psychological nightmare.

Pay. Attention. Stop ripping from well-known pop culture shit without (1) making sure the “homage” is used correctly, (2) double-checking that something similar hasn't been done before and, if so, (3) adding your own cheeky-sneaky spin. Not doing so makes you look, at best, like hacks, at worst, like doofy dipshits, particularly when it is from shows in your same genre - like a renowned show from the same fucking network that hadn't even ended their run but a year and a half prior to when yours started - and wrapping up *your* season with a title that was an iconic element from an iconic show [it was iconic, for several reasons, that's an essay for another time] which was the basis for everything from a/possibly *the* pivotal moment in the series and which was tied to many of the composer's pieces for the soundtrack, as it was a central thread. TV Tropes is your friend.

Tangentially related, while we're here:

[Shep as Romo Lampkin]

I digress.  

The Background

The Commissioner and I pop a cork, start talking about the Wayward pilot. We don't say a word about the scripting or the acting [because if we do, I go down a Dolly Deadeyes road, and nobody wants that]. Rather, we do a deep dive on the things that resemble other things and postulate how this came to be. Not in the minds of the peeps behind it, no, the dive comes via what the youths call a "headcanon". I've never had one before, I don't think, and I'm proud this is the first.

Oh, and a housekeeping side note: While my observations/the conversing began that night, the main convo/legit start on the image at the bottom happened later on. This has been run through the Nash snark filter for funsies, which is why the tone is the same for the whole conversation as, in truth, I have little clear memory of a lot of this, and the time taken for the assemblage of the image took longer than a conversation's worth, since the beginnings were sponsored by wine but it had to be done, it's how I combat insomnia and after seeing the monsters, I needed to purge my feelings of.... well....

The Beginning

After a verbal review (an accosting-of, really) of both Well-Coiffed Predator in a Bane Mask and Dollar Store Doomsday from the Wayward pilot, we begin discussing theories on how exactly this came to be in the alt world. Everything below is based on (a) the fact that New!Kaia's outfit denotes the presence of some sort of killa shopping and/or a hella talented Matrix-obsessed seamstress in the alt-world, therefore why not additional styling like a salon, and (b) the fact that we were lit on wine.

And the Predator rip - who, in the concept art, does not appear rippy-offy, it should be noted - got that mask somehow. He's either homaging Bane all over his face [his own face, not the other-way-'round] or he's gotten hold of one of the real things, modded it a touch to account for the spread of his general mouth region. Seems their temp name is the generic supernatural/folklore catch-all that I was vaguely aware of - "Canid" - and that some dude who's apparently of import on the show hates it, and I concur because all I can think of when I see the name is Candida. The Commissioner asked for a reminder, and I explained what that infection was and that now upon learning the creature’s name, I looked upon it as a yeast infection made sentient. The copious amounts of viscous discharge helps that along.

This then got a general science light bulb to pop, and we again consulted the googles, and boo-yah:

It's a dog. That. That up there, that I linked to. A daaaawwwwg.

No, not a if-this-is-a-dog-then-what-does-the-owner-look-like, maybe-they're-just-disgruntled-puppy-mill-alums type of WTF. The WTF is because I, once again, am wondering if at any point people over yonder are bothering to check shit out with this cool new thing called google. I know. It's a novel suggestion.

Somebody sure as shit used said googlins for squid beak - it's a touch birdy beak, but nah, slimy squid goes better with the aesthetic - and I guess they had to, as they already gave the far superior on the creepy scale pacu teeth to the Dollar Store Doomsday.

Because we were sneery and feeling gross at this point, we needed something fun, so we refilled on wine, and decided to make a mash-up image of the “inspirations” [to be clear: The Commissioner decided I should make a mash-up]. We were also feeling gross after looking at all that above, so for an eye sorbet, we needed some pretty, and STAT. We both instantly knew what would do the trick.

We start the conversation with Bane.

The Conversation

[looking at still from that Batman movie Bane was in; neither of us have cared to clarify which of the Nolan B-mans it was, because we don't care]

The Commissioner: He is so smooth, like, everything, even the fit of the clothes.

Nash: I'll never forget his turn as young Picard in that shit 'Trek movie, what was it called?

[we do not look it up; digression discussion of the awesomeness that is Sir Patrick Stewart]

TC: What's in his hand? Is that a riding crop? Or a shuffleboard thing?

N: Yes, exactly, Bane took a break from beating up Batman to shuffle. Nooooo. He got drug away from riding his horsey----

TC: YOU MUST MEAN HIS STALLION - if he rides horses, they are buff

N: ---to bring the mask, and is he pissed about it?

TC: No. No, because he is a dollbaby - he loves dogs.

N: You're mixing Tom Hardy with Bane.

TC: NO.

N: [realizing] BECAUSE THAT IS A DOG THING, THAT CREATURE IS DOG

[digression googles to look at pics/vids of Tom Hardy with pups]

N: Oh, no, wait - can we make it a putter? Like he was on his way to golf?

TC: But he still doesn't mind, because he's good guy Bane? And golf sucks? Oh hell yes.

[putter image sought; we go back to staring at Hardy, sip wine for untold moments]

N: And Preddie's all - Oh Bane, no! I couldn't possibly! Aren't these custom made? But he's gripping the shit out of it, like, pry it from my hands, bitches.

TC: And he takes a sniff when nobody's looking and swoons. *SWOONS*

N: Freaked-out stylist saw, though, and a touch of pee slips out, because it was weird before, but now shit's kicked off.

TC: Oh, she's already wet her pants at least once, absolutely. Do we need to add her?

N: No, she's in the bathroom.

TC: But you know who we should add.

[Image of 1990s Leonardo Di Caprio is immediately sought; we love the R+J still too much for words and select it with zero pause]

N: But why?

TC: You know he's gonna end up bopping  around to other worlds anyhow, and for Bane to be here, there must be other rifts----

N: Low-Sugar Low-Fat Low-Calorie Eye of Saurons?

TC: ----so they're babysitting.

N: THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE [gulp of wine]  Hey, you know who should be his foster parents if he’s bopping around to all points?

TC: Is it some side-character who's off-show at the moment? So we can get the show back to, um, Sam and Dean?

N: Chuck and Amara.

TC: You remember they're brother and sister, right?

N: [side-eye] Okay.

TC: They are. It's canon.

N: OKAAAY.  [stares at Leo] Alright, what are we having him do? Satan's crotch goblin?

TC: [possibly disgusted with me] Pencils.

N: YES I KNOW WHAT TO DO they need to keep him busy so they just keep giving him piles of pencils to sharpen, and he's distressed because there's no more and the sharpener’s motor burnt out.

TC: [touch of a spit take]

[we stare at the collection of images; it is a bitch to find a clear shot of a Pred sitting, but we need him in a barber chair; I will ultimately cobble it from three separate images; it was worth every goddamn minute]

TC: Okay, now what about that thing? The thing? Deadpool?

N: No he was something else, that's Reynolds. Deadshot? Wait, hang on.

[we watch the Bob Ross Deadpool thing, maybe twice, I have no idea]

TC: What'd you say?

N: I dunno.

TC: Me neither I just remember thinking you were wrong.

N: [looks it up, or we'll be here all week] DOOMSDAY

TC: Stop, stop, stop - didn't we also say Lord of the Rings cave troll?

N: I can't remember if it was me or somebody else.

TC: Do cave troll.

[we search]

N: Holy shit. He's in the club.

[image chosen; best one is of him pointing; I later add the touch of a framed photo of King Kong that's inexplicably hanging in the barber shop, also next to it a photo of Captain Shitty Render]

N: But Doomsday.

TC: Do it.

[image chosen; this was also a bitch, I had to blur and cobble and blend and hide part of his bottom half because ZACK SNYDER LOVES SHOOTING EVERYTHING LIKE WE'RE IN A DANK CAVE]

N: They're so glad Bane pulls through, because Preddy won't shut the fuck up about him.

TC: It's because his last boyfriend was garbage, keeps hanging out with humans, and Bane's loyal, like he was to that chick from Inception, like----

N: LIKE DOG

[the bottle is empty; we are sleepy]

The Results

I regret not adding an aquarium with a squid.

The Aftermath

Both TC and my Tumblr wife @butiaintgonnaloveem had reactions that can nicely tuck under the umbrella of [in concerned tone] Nash are you okay, like, is life beating you down somehow, this is crazypants which I appreciate from the latter, but as for the former I pointed out that they are my enabler/dealer/peer-pressurer in every bit of this.

There is no end to this post. 

[impalaofgrace-blog]

Why do you hate Jack so much?? Like what has he ever done but make s13 interesting unlike the past couple season 😗☕️

Sigh… Do I really want to go into this… or do I just reply with “I don’t like Jack because I watched season 12 (and 4. and 5)” and give 0 fucks… Alright, I’m going to answer this as politely and constructively as I can and I’m only going to talk about this once, so read carefully. Some unpopular opinions under the cut, don’t go there if you don’t like rants or don’t want to get your Jack-loving feelings hurt.

It’s not that I don’t like the dude because he’s a “bad guy” or a “villain” or whatever - surprisingly, because everyone thinks this is the main reason. I’ll let you know I actually love villains. I don’t like Jack in general, I don’t like his lack of personality, I don’t like the way the writers built him as a character - he literally gets on my nerves just by saying “Castiel-style” lines, I cringe every time. He acts and talks like very discount Castiel (I said “very” because there’s so much more to Castiel’s character than, you know, a cute, adorably clueless nerd that takes most things literally), he looks like a cheap 90s Leo DiCaprio rip-off lol, there’s literally nothing about him that’s original or new/fresh. To me he’s just a poor imitation. It’s like the writers were like “Cas isn’t going to be in the first few episodes of season 13 so hey, how about we replace him with a mini-Cas, but like a demo version, minus the badassness and plus the crybabyness (crybabyness is a word, leave me alone)? This way, we won’t have to waste time creating an entirely new, unique character that could actually be interesting and also, everyone in this fandom loves helpless manbabies so they’re gonna love it!” …And forget everything that happened in s12.

Now let’s get into the second reason, regarding season 12 itself - the inconsistency. Jack clearly brainwashed both his mother and Castiel. I already talked about it but I’m going to repeat for the sake of this post. The manipulation was so clear and obvious, I can’t comprehend how no one is questioning this anymore. The change in Cas and Kelly’s behavior was so sudden, they both unexpectedly started to act like they’d lost their minds! Did you see the look on Castiel’s face when he said he “saw paradise”? The fuck was that? Because it sure as hell wasn’t a genuine Cas’ smile, last time he smiled like that was when he thought he was God. Also, Dean himself said he “didn’t recognize the guy staring back at him” and if anyone in the show knows Cas better than anyone else, it’s Dean - and I’m not saying this as a shipper, it’s a fact that Dean and Castiel’s relationship is something special, different and “profound” so if Dean says something’s off - something’s clearly off. Not to mention the change in Castiel’s behavior is extremely out of character, since he’s literally rebelled against the idea of paradise on Earth. He’s fallen because he didn’t want paradise. Seriously, does no one remember season 4 anymore? It wasn’t paradise that Castiel fought for, it was freedom. Then, the reason Castiel wanted to get out of The Empty was Sam and Dean, he didn’t even think about Jack, not until Sam mentioned him, even though last season he got away from the bros because Lucifer’s kid needed him. Now he suddenly feels responsible for him again. It’s so… confusing??? Consistency who?

One of the grossest things about Jack is the fact that he brought Kelly back to life when she tried to kill herself because he needed her alive to be born. However, he didn’t try to bring her back when he  was being born. He only kept her alive because she was useful and then just let her die. He treated her like “a container”, as Lucifer himself said. I can’t even stress how disgusting this is. I feel fucking sick whenever he talks about his mother, making this sad poop face. The mother he brainwashed, used and left to fucking die. “He didn’t know how to do it” - oh? So his ability to control his powers suddenly regressed or what? Speaking of - in the last episode we find out that apparently Jack hardly remembers anything  from when he was in the womb - and yet, when he was still in the womb, somehow he was developed enough to: manipulate Cas and Kelly, convince Cas to protect him by showing him a vision of paradise, bring Kelly back to life, understand that Dagon was evil and know what to do in order to kill her. He knew and understood all of these things, but now somehow he barely knows how to move a fucking pencil? AND turns out he actually can fly but kept it a secret? That’s sketchy as hell, isn’t that even remotely alarming to you? There’s something incredibly unsettling and deceitful about Jack and it creeps me the fuck out.

I hate the way the fandom keeps infantilizing him, too. Jesus Christ, I’m so fed up with people calling him a “precious cinnamon roll too pure for this world uwuwuwuwu" etc. ughhhh… Where do I sign a petition for people to never use this expression to describe a character ever again… Notice how the reason people love Jack so much isn’t that he’s a complex, unique character. They love him because… sometimes… he talks like Cas… Tell me one trait that Jack has that isn’t copied from Cas and isn’t “complaining about being a monster all the fucking time”. Listen, I didn’t even have a strong opinion on Jack at first. I started watching season 13 with a “meh”/neutral attitude. Wasn’t excited about him, didn’t really hate him either. But now I see that they’re really going with this gross Daddy!Cas thing and I’m just not gonna buy this bullshit. I can’t stand seeing my favourite character on the show being destroyed like that.

I hate the way the fandom gave Dean shit for distrusting Jack. I’ve never seen more Dean hate in my life and it’s all because of some whiny dude who’s only been in the show for a few episodes. Gross. Dean had every right to hate the dude. The third paragraph explaines why.

“Jack’s just a kid” - no, the point is, he’s fucking not. He said himself that he literally “couldn’t be a baby or a child”. Jack is a fully grown person with a fully-developed brain and is fully capable of analizing and comprehending his actions so justifying the things he’s done with “he’s just a kid” is just… dumb.  I hate how everyone justifies the fact that he killed an innocent person just because he’s not capable of controlling his powers yet, like… If you’re not sure you can control your powers, don’t fucking use them? It’s as simple as that. [more on this subject: here] His brain is nothing like a kid’s brain, so don’t try to sell me this “he’s just a month old” bullshit.

Did he “make s13 interesting unlike the past couple season”…? Um, I think the fuck not? He didn’t bring anything new to the show and I’ve already explained why I think so. I mean, it’s kind of a relative thing to say, don’t you think? He probably did for the people who like him. For me - meh, I didn’t give a shit when I first saw 13x01, maybe was a little bit intrigued even, because I thought he’d give off a more dangerous/villainous vibe. But then all he really did was whine about how supposedly bad he is???  Personally, I find his constant pity parties tiring and boring as fuck, but to each their own I guess.

On a side note, though, I don’t even think season 12 was bad. Not my favourite, but definitely not the worst. I know a lot of people didn’t enjoy it, but I’d say it’s actually in my top 6. I mean, I’m not a fan of the MoL plotline but overall, it had some good episodes. Will season 13 be better? We’ll see. If it will, it won’t be because of Jack - at least to me. I hope you’re satisfied with this response, I know it’s a bit messy but I did my best. Have a nice day.

so anyway, fuck Jack’s hypocritical overrated ass lmao

[possession1981-moving]

ur style is amazing, I love it. where do u like to shop and what are some of ur style/outfit inspirations?

thank you! um well i shop a lot through asos because it gives me a wide variety of choices for brands and they have a good student discount and free returns which is great. i also buy a lot from monki and weekday and thrift shops! bc i’m poor and sometimes zara/mango when they have nice shit that doesn’t cost half a small fortune. as for style inspo i love iconic power dyke greta garbo, a lot of japanese/korean guys’ street style, 90′s guys and gals like winona ryder, keanu reeves, leo dicaprio in romeo + juliet, julia stiles in 10 things i hate about you, jordan baker of the great gatsby fame (most iconic literary lesbian), reeve carney as dorian grey in penny dreadful, dracula and other fashionable vampires

[impalaofgrace-blog]

So is the fact that the discount 90s Leo DiCaprio's name is Jack some kind of a joke or...?