#do they unspokenly watch over and stay up waiting for each other and seek each other out at their lowest and do anything to make them smile

[carmineskiesandspidereyes]

BEHOLD. IT IS HERE.

4 chapters in total, (eventually,) and prone to bouts of purple prose, but LORD if these three weren't gnawing furiously at my brain.

queerplatonic Albert & Race & Finch truthers come get y'all's juice (<-suspects I am the only one here)

tysm to @bluutunes for being my beta, and also to @foxglove-teaa who unkowingly motivated me to get it all the way done and posted <3

I release thee unto the world

[stargaze-issei]

Stoner Hawks being on patrol with him and maybe having a fire quirk (Dabi’s sis blue flames but you know Endevor don’t know that maybe she knows Dabi is her brother and knew that he ran away and never told her dad about it and how often she sees him but n e way she’s a hero did the whole UA thing) and being on patrol on top a building Keigo rolls a joint and moves on in readers direction like “can you spark it?🥺” maybe just smoking maybe some smut

this made me sO soft, like yes stoner hawks being the cutest 🥺 i got a little carried away with it, and somehow it ended up being 2.1k long ( ´◡‿ゝ◡`) thank u sm for requesting, i loved it.

stoner!takami with a todoroki!reader.

summary; in the request.

genre; fluff, smut.

warnings; daddy kink, praise kink, breeding kink, oral (receiving-giving), curse words, idk fucking(? smut in general.

word count; 2.1k

author's note; don't judge me it's my first time writing smut ):

 your phone rang in the pocket of your hero costume, the id showing a smiley keigo. despite knowing what was about to happen, you couldn't avoid your own smile. as you answered, the first thing you heard was wind on his side of the line, you sighed, he was probably calling while flying, again.

"one of this days, you're going to crash against a plane" his melodic laugh reached through the speaker. damn, how could you stay mad when he's laughing like that?

"i'm going to assume you're already at our spot, gorgeous" this time you laughed, nervously, takami hated waiting more than anything, and there you were, thirty minutes away from your meeting point. "send me your location, i'm picking you up" and just as fast, he hung up. flying with him was a better idea than running through the city by yourself, therefore, you did as he said.

a giggle escaped your mouth, he had that effect on you, despite of knowing each other for that long. it didn't matter how many times he called you pretty, gorgeous, angel, your face instantly heated up. and he loved it, it gave you a fake innocence, that he sure knew was oly a facade. in less than five minutes, his mighty figure covered the sun above you, looking like that, he could easily be confused by an angel send from heaven.

"i know i'm hot, but you're drooling a bit" takami, the endless teaser.

"let's just go" he picked you up, bridal style, gaining a few curious glares.

your relationship, if you could call it that, had always been a subject of gossip. not you nor him had either confirmed it or deny the rumors about it, truth be told, not even you knew what you were. it was more than friendship, but not as committed as an actual couple. you were used to kiss him, sleep with him, get high with him, and that was enough. there were feelings between, from both parts, but this was the best way. two heroes, in the peak of their careers, had no time for anything else. the ride to your usual vigilance spot was short, hawks flying at a dangerous speed, despite your complete trust in him, you still wondered if he could drop you.

"what took you so long?" he asked, once you were sitting in the edge of the tall building. you sighed, to keep that secret from him was exhausting, at least.

"my brother called".

an awkward silence grew, takami knew you were endeavor's oldest daughter, his pride and joy, wether you liked it or not. obviously he knew your brother had to be endeavor's lost son, touya. what you had kept to yourself was he went now by the name dabi, a faithful follower of the hero killer's ideals.

"is he okay?"

"mhm, he needed money".

keigo wasn't going to tell you this, but every time you said you brother called because he needed something, his blood boiled in his veins. ignoring the fact that he had to stay hidden, for some reason you wouldn't say, to hawks it seemed like he only reached out to you out of material need, meanwhile you were always preocuppied with his well. takami's hand found its way to yours, even wtih gloves you could feel his warmness. 

"oh, right, i-i've been saving this for us" he took a small plastic bag out of his pocket, letting you see those green herbs. by the looks, it had to be more expensive than usual. you gasped, in a really cute way, hawks thought. no words were needed, he grindered the pot before rolling a joint. his tongue appeared to seal it, looking straight into your eyes while licking it. he knew exactly what he was doing. "may you do the honors, angel face" a small blue flame igniciate in the tip of your index finger, just as he inhale for the first time.

takami, covered in a cloud of smoke, holding a blunt on his hand, adding that chilled look in his face. was certainly a sight to see.

unspokenly, he handed it over to you. with a smile on you face, you hit it for the first time. for a while, non of you talked, just enjoying each other's company, in fact, those moments with keigo were you favorite, you didn't have to worry for anything besides him. and he thought the same, there, he could stop being hawks, he could be just keigo, your long term friend, leaving all the responsabilities of being a hero in the ground. with you, he felt like flying.

by pure coincidence, he caught you looking at his profile. the moonlight made you have a different kind of glow, like a fairy, he thought. almost withouth realizing, he leaned over to you, his lips seeking yours rather desperately. his hand wondered to your hair, finding its place in the back of your neck, pulling you closer and making sure you weren't escaping. his experimented tongue made its way into your mouth, going through every place he already knew like it was the first time. he tasted like smoke. once he knew you were on the same page, he pushed you back on solid ground, laying on top of you. a moan left your lips, drowned by his own mouth, when his still dressed hips impacted against you. 

every touch was being enhanced by the effect of the pot. he pulled away, breaking the moment. he needed to look at you, your lust filled eyes, your half opened mouth. it was enough to get him hard in his pants. with a quick movement, he took out his gloves, fastly moving to take off your complicated hero costume. maybe it was because he was blown out of his mind, or he was just to eager to see your naked body, but he had a serious struggle doing it, making a soft giggle leave your throat. 

"you could help me instead of laughing at me" he whined, jokingly upset.

"and miss the hawks having troubles with a bra? i don't think so" that seemed to made him even more anxious, you knew he was done when a small "finally" was whispered.

between laughs, giggles and smirks, he got back on top of yours. he liked to feel you naked underneath him, having you to his complete disposal, and not losing a single item of his clothes. you weren't letting him enjoy the moment to much, a girl has her need, and touching his work out abs was certainly a need. you removed his shirt, smiling at his messy hair. 

he started to leave a trace of kisses from your lips to you r collarbone, licking, biting, leaving small dark marks on your skin. just at that, you became a moaning mess, there was something so dirty about takami marking your body.

"babygirl, i haven't even started" with that, you closed your eyes, giving into pleasure as his kisses got lower and lower. when he got to your breast, your nipples were already hard, expecting to feel his wet mouth any moment now. but that wasn't all that happened, almost at the same time, you felt a hand opening its way to your drenched cunt. "look at that, you're already so wet from my mouth only".

his tongue circle you nip at a killing pace, while two fingers found their way inside you without any warning. so thight, he said, his mind already thinking on how well you could take his cock. with his thumb in the perfect position, he started massaging your swollen clit. all you could do was melt in his touch. his free hand reached to the last bit of the blunt, which rested at a safe distance. he got up, leaving you kneeled in front of him.

"open your mouth, princess" despite his loving tone, he wasn't asking, so you did as you were told and watched him hit the last of the joint, keeping as much smoke as he could beofre leaning towards you. with a kiss, he shared it with you, entangling your tongues. he licked your lips, getting back up, his hand resting on the waist of his pants. "you're gonna be a good girl, aren't you, princess?" he got his hips so close to your face that your mouth watered.

"yes, daddy" you knew calling him that was a trigger. he took out his fat dick outside his pants, so hard that it was starting to hurt. his hand placed on the back of your head, guiding you to your objective. 

as soon as your lips wrapped around the tip of his cock, he let out a unsually deep growl. takami never lasted that long, and being under the inffluence of weed wasn't helping. he couldn't even look down at you, the sight of your angel face, looking so fucking pretty while sucking him off, he was barely controlling himself from your noises. you struggled, gagging every once in a while, but never stopped, he loved to see the tears in your eyes. when he felt close, his dick twitch in your mouth, you tasted the precum coming out of him. before doing it, he pulled your hair back, avoiding it.

"my baby, you do it so good, do you think you deserve a reward?" to those words, you couldn't help but moan. his hand held your chin, making you look straight into his eyes.  

"please, daddy, please eat me out" he felt like losing his mind hearing you begging like that, who was him to deny it. a kiss left in your lips, before kneeling down facing your wet, juicy, cunt. thanks for the meal, he thought.

his tongue worked wonders. the second he met your needy clit, you were actually watching the stars. the ability he had, going between your folds, sucking just in the right spot, fucking you with his tongue. he had you a screaming and drooling mess in a minute.

"daddy! oh god, yes! there, keep going, please! fuck me, yes!" he loved hearing you going crazy because of him, he loved being able to do as he pleased with you. he could hear your moans forever. 

he knew you too well, instantly he could tell you were close to cum, he wasn't going to let that happen, he wanted you to cum in his dick, breaking your back, leaving you so fucked up you wouldn't be able to walk afterwards. feeling him leave you on the edge was torture. 

"are you so desperate for me, little bird?" he crawled to you, placing his hips on top of yours. you weren't even thinking when he kissed you, loving the thought of you tasting yourself. you wrapped your hands around his neck, reaching his back, if there was something he liked was you scratching his back until it bleed.

with a slow, gentle hursh, he deepend inside you, admiring the image of you closing your eyes at the pain. even prepared and lubed, he was just too big for you. as he felt you adptaing, his pace got faster and harder, his hands grabbed tightly into your hips, probably leaving bruises afterwards. in less than a minute, he already had a constant pace inside you, hitting your spot with every thurst. you whimpers and his groans mixed in the air. one of his hands travelled to your neck, applying a little pressure on it while his thumb fitted in your mouth. that was the view he wanted to see for his whole life. 

"you're such a slut, baby girl, but you're my slut, right?" you sucked his thumb, your mind couldn't form coherent words and his finger didn't let you speak. "oh yes, cum with me, princess, cum for daddy" his words were like music to your ears. 

the orgasm you repressed for a while felt so close, when you finally reached it, your walls clenched around his dick even harder than before, a scream of pleasure filling the atmosphere. not long after, you felt his warm cum exploding inside you, his grab hardened and a moan left his lips. he stayed there for a while, retaking his breath.his wings served as a wall for the cold wind running. finally, he retired from you, laying at your side while hugging you with one of his arms.

you looked at him, despite not being your actuall boyfriend, he loved you as much as you loved him. though tired, the fuzzy feeling inside you didn't stop, you wondered if it was just you being still high as a rocket, or if that's what love felt like.

[miragememoir]

Temptation.

Absolutely absurd, are the deepest taboos and creative fantasies that my mind intrusively conjures up. Consistently cloaking these desperate temptations that drive my soul into another realm of what is and is not permitted to be socially acceptable. I without a doubt know, if I were to let this inner temptress escape that it would result as the end of my entirety as a respected human specimen.

As a little girl, I would find my imagination dancing around a universe of possibilities. Now let me give you a little back story of my sexual adventures.

Around the age of 6, not sure if it was 5 or 7, I had an equally eager neighbor. Not just neighbor, a friend of the family even. A trusted acquaintance, if you will. My summers consisted of his garage or my backyard, due to the fact I had a pool the size of an amusement park, at least that's how it seemed as young ones. If our bodies as so much brushed against each other, a fire built in my soul. A desire that only few offspring will come to know. We eventually couldn't resist the urges that our private parts were begging us to comply.

I remember his lips. The pink, soft and tender flesh on his pale, desperate blue-eyed face. I close my eyes and envision this impatient and eager little boy, staring below my eyes and above my chest. He would be entranced by the thought of it, as would I. We both unspokenly knew, if this happened, it was going to stay between us & be our little secret. Which only made the craving stronger. It was during a session of hide n seek. We told his toddler brother that one room was off limits, I completely trusted this rule. Until my tiny wrist was wrapped with his mini-fingers & being enticed to follow with his eyebrows raised in a hurry. I let him guide me into the bedroom of his grandfather, completely giving up all of my will. If he wanted to have me that day, he damn well could have. But instead, he teased my soon-to-be sexually woke mind with a single kiss. All in one infinite moment, my world stopped. Saliva that did not belong to me would enter my young mouth & cause a chemical reaction in my brain that drove me mad. The sensation of a wet piece of flesh from his lips entered my mouth & danced with mine while butterflies permeated my internal organs. We french kissed for a couple minutes before we reached our desired high. Just like that, my life changed forever.

It was the top bunk of his shared bed between his infant brother and he, was where my innocence had forfeit. A flashlight and a flame in his eye that started something that I would later come to find out, was a search for that same craving and curiosity that would never return to me. The act of the first time is extraordinary yet depressing. The trembling of unused flesh. The fear of unknown, yet complete and comfortable vulnerability. But also, the fact it will never be as excruciatingly new as that one time. He hadn't known in those moments, nor did I, that my entire sexual endeavors would always be compared to our shared intimacy. I want you to understand that when I mention, "first time" I do not mean intercourse. We were only children, who wanted desperately but the fear of angry parents & disappointed faces kept us from performing the act. When I say first time, I mean the discovering of the other sexes genitals. I lay back and let him fondle with my pink flesh while his eyes are seemingly lost in the thought of how it all works. His craving was my drive. He let me feel what his tongue directed on my excited body & pink flesh.

It didn't happen once, or twice even. It continued and every time I knew it was to come, a throbbing sensation built in my unpenetrated entrails. It wasn't only him who tested his abilities, in my ocean of a pool, we found a spot where from either window of my house, children were invisible to the parents eye. So under water I went while he kept watch, I pulled his swim trunks below his knees and released a uniquely new passion on him that adolescent years would usually bring.

He was my first and always will be.

Next on my sexual journey was another nymphet like myself, only difference was that I felt no remorse after performing such acts, well she did.

Her and I discovered internet porn together. It started with alltheweb.com, where we searched for specific body parts & became sexually excited next to one another. Then came videos, that's when our platonic friendship had been disrupted by a force of tension that was incapable of being ignored. As her and I watched the woman seduce her cable guy, a familiar feeling came over me & I was once again throbbing & dripping in my seat, waiting for a signal to pause the video, I was eager and crazed because I hadn't had a female before. It was new and crazy to my 7 year old mind. My impatient personality switched it from straight pornography to lesbian porn. Where we watched a women spread another's parts open, then lick and suck away while the other was drowning in ecstasy as she lay back. This was it. My best friend took one look away from the screen and said to pause it & that she felt wet down there. My heart pounding, deleting history, exiting the tabs, walking into my room then doing things with my friend that would make her feel icky afterwords (this was mainly because of her connection with the Lord, Jesus Christ. I didn't share the same sentiments, so I was a free bird.) It never stopped her from doing it again though, she had her own little secret with me and that drove her just as crazy as it did I.

As a youngster, I really did have somewhat of an addiction to pornographic material. I found myself really drifting towards either lesbian or straight teen porn. Obviously "teen" meant eighteen and above. But they always chose girls who looked like they were younger. Small chest & child-like features on their faces being pursued by men with large parts and manly bodies.

I kept on with my female friend. My neighbor had eventually moved around eleven years old. It was a sad time for me, I would miss him for 7 years. Eventually another female friend came along, I figured that if they were girls that they'd be allowed to spend the night and I could have my way until whatever hours I wished. But my second girl didn't budge. She'd feel the tension but wouldn't release. Unless it was a role-play situation where it didn't have to be "her." Let me explain. We would lay on the floor and we would "change-bodies" with someone else. She would always feel more comfortable taking the 'form' of a boy. So she was who had her way with me. I let go and let myself be used to whatever her needs be. I found both girls equally exciting in two absolutely different and opposite ways.

I feel as though the amount of information I've conjured up is going to suffice for now. Because the next few partners jump a few years in time. When I finally perform fellatio again, yet this time it's a little different. Stay tuned.

- Mirage, June 26, 2019.

[matholimieu]

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Last year, the worst thing that happened to me took place. On August 22nd, 2017, my sister’s house was set on fire. She lost her home, her two puppies, and her 5 month and 1 day old son.

I would like to share the Victim Impact Statement that I submitted:

I am Hunter’s uncle. I am Angie’s brother. This victim impact statement is an attempt to capture what I have had to endure and still suffer from. Although I doubt there is any way to document the full entirety of my situation, to understand any of it requires some background information.

My sister Angie

My sister is easily one of the most important and influential people in my life. I have always been very close to both my siblings, and we spend time together as we would with our best friends. As much as we try to not play favourites, my sister and I are exceptionally close because our birthdays are two days apart. Having shared so many birthdays, naturally we shared our toys, collectibles, and craft supplies. In fact, for the last couple of years, we have been playing Pokemon Go, and our father, brother, and niece have also joined in. From even our earlier years, in every argument we made sure our focus was to express how we felt, and the argument could only be won when we understood each other. A smart person learns from their mistakes - we made sure to learn from the mistakes of others and to always communicate. This is the bond I share with my sister. This is the family I almost lost.

The House

In what used to be her house, I had a second home. Only a 5 minute walk away, and a Pokestop in between, we were never far from each other. I had helped her arrange and decorate her bonus room. I had taken part in four paint nights, and the paintings could coincidentally be arranged as the four seasons. Angie proudly hung them in that room. There was a window facing bar with her vast collections of teas. It was always fully supplied with chocolates, cookies, and other treats that we would indulge in. We would talk for hours, or just sit in silence and relax with the puppies. We’ve put together jigsaw puzzles, watched movies, danced with the puppies, and played board games in that room. That bonus room was a sanctuary. It was my home away from home. This was the home that was lost.

Panpan and Bunny, the Poos

Regardless of which house I was at, if these two puppies were around, they would immediately bolt towards me as if they were my own personal paparazzi, demanding my love and attention. These two puppies would playfully knock each other over for their turns at my head pats and belly rubs. Panpan was the lazy one. Bunny was the daring and clever one. When they came to our house, Panpan would wait at the stairs for me. Meanwhile, Bunny would make her way down to the basement to seek me out. If I had slept in, she would be scratching my door; otherwise, she’d hop into my arms as I went in for hugs and cuddles. She was such a princess. Making my way upstairs, Panpan would excitedly go on his hind legs and vibrate excitedly until I gave him enough attention. These puppies were like my personal welcoming committee. This was the warmth, comfort, and love that we shared. These were the loyal dogs that refused to leave my sister’s side in their last moments.

Cordell, my brother in law

When it comes to Angie’s husband, he was one of the few things about which my sister and I did not share the same opinion. He and I had many differences in style, humour, strategy, and perspective. We often clashed with no resolution, and as much as we tried, it was difficult to find common ground. There were several times where I disliked the way he played practical jokes on my sister, and it was hard for me to see what she saw in him. It was actually difficult for me to see him as a responsible family man. I know that our confrontations were heavily influenced by our different upbringings. For that, we would dodge each other as much as we could. However, when my sister became pregnant, we unspokenly put aside our differences. Whatever our issues were, the baby would always be more important.

Cordell was clearly excited about having a child. Before learning the sex of the baby, he and my sister started buying and building a Lego collection. It became their family activity, and I would often find them at the dining table building Batmobiles and Princess Castles together. I saw them cooperate and work together. I was able to see their love. I was able to see that they would be a family. During the pregnancy, Cordell hosted several home-cooked family dinners, and made every effort to invite and involve me. This was how the baby changed him and bridged us together. We were finally able to get along. This was my brother in law.

Hunter is Born

Hunter wasn’t just a new life in our world. He brought new life to our world. In both my sister’s and my parents’ houses, there was always plenty of food on the table, and our families would dance and play with Hunter, and gather for a plentiful dinner. Cordell and Angie would continue to build Lego, and show their baby their new creations. The puppies would be jealous of Hunter and do their best to get our attention, but eventually they became protective of Hunter. Angie and I still had our sanctuary in the bonus room, and we would often be there with Hunter and watch him peacefully sleep. There was such excitement with every discovery he made, and every new expression on his face. We all loved Hunter so much.

Without being delusional, I can say that I had a very special bond with my nephew. As with any baby, there are times when they are seemingly inconsolable. I would cradle him in my arms, sing to him, and rhythmically waltz in a circle. My singing and dancing like this soothed him. I would often see him smile and struggle to keep his eyes open. Even his loving grandmother, someone that watched over him every day and strongly bonded with, failed to lull him in the same way when she tried dancing with him.

As he got a little older, he remained a very cheerful and joyful baby. He was excited by people both familiar and unfamiliar, and was happy to be carried when they picked him up. Though after a short while, he would eventually get a little fussy and cry out for his mother. During these times, I would try my dance with him. If he stopped crying, he was fine. If he continued to cry, he really wanted his mommy. Everyone in my family knew this. This was the bond I had with Hunter.

Hunter was very clever and he learned to use this. During some fussy moments in playtime, this was his way to communicate what he wanted. There were times where he would hold back his tears upon hearing my voice or seeing me nearby. He knew that I would leave and fetch his mother if he continued to cry. This was his signal for me to stay and play with him.

On one occasion, he seemed particularly fussy and buried his head in my chest as I held him. His mother offered to take him from me, but as he turned to her, he batted away her hands. Angie had never seen him do this before, and I melted at this gesture. This was my baby nephew Hunter.

In the Middle of my School Term

A week after Hunter was born, my brother and I started a program at Edmonton Digital Arts College together. This was a ten month, Monday through Friday from 8:30 to 4:30, full-time studies program. My brother and I often relied on each other’s support to endure the intensity of this course. The class had a total of 9 students so we all got to know each other very well, including the instructors. We poured ourselves into every project, working very hard, and we looked forward to our week off in the summer.

The Sunday before our school break, it was my turn to babysit Hunter. It was nap time, and he didn’t want to leave me. So I made a nest of pillows on the bed, and laid there with him. We both gently fell asleep with him cuddled up to me. We woke up together, and I brought him back downstairs where the rest of my family was. Sitting on the couch, I was holding him upright as he wanted to stand. My sister was having a peach and fed some to him. The way he scrambled for more peach, while still wanting to be held up was simply delightful. Together, my sister and I had fed him his first peach and last peach. That was the last memory I have of him.

The Fire

Words can never capture how this happy world collapsed.

I woke up to a panicked call from my father. He told me there was a fire and it might be Angie’s house. He told me to go make sure. I’m an optimist by nature. I figured he was overreacting and paranoid, but I started getting dressed so I could put him at ease. I didn’t make it out of my room when I heard the cracked voice of my mother crying out to me. This was a voice I had learned to fear as it meant something was incredibly wrong. I ran up to find my mother escorted by the police. Between translating and trying to be strong, I knew I needed to be as calm as I could. She told me that the house was completely burned down.

My mother and I were forbidden to leave our home. All we were told was that the firemen got people out, and that they were at the hospital. Still the optimist, I figured it was just an accident of some sort, but everyone made it out. They were just doing their routine checks to make sure everyone was okay. I patiently waited as my mother scrounged for ideas on what she could do while we were grounded at our home.

I was then told that my sister was at a different hospital than her baby, and that she was in intensive care. I still tried to remain calm - “a fire had just happened and she suffered the worst of it, but she’ll be fine” I told myself and my mother. Victim services came to our door. They told us the unreal news of how Hunter didn’t make it. All hope, all optimism disappeared and I was lost. I tried my best to listen and take in all the information they were telling me as my mother demanded a translation. I had to be strong to support my mother, so I had to push my emotions down. There was such chaos in everything happening all at once. This was now the world I had to live in.

Seeing my sister in the Intensive Care Unit was absolutely brutal. There she was, unconscious, my sister, darkened from all the ash, yet pale from all the life drained away from her. I had been all wrong, and my mind couldn’t help but be in a dark place. I might lose my closest and best friend. I wished so hard for her to recover, but what then? She has to wake up to a world where everything she had is gone, and that’s if she wakes up. Worse yet, we have to tell her that her son, her life, is gone. Not only did I have to be strong to support my mother, I had to be strong to support my sister. I pushed my emotions down even further.

When she was in a more stable condition, my sister woke up despite her sedation. Barely conscious, she had tubes down her throat and could not make a sound. The first thing she did was cradle her arms together, pleading to us for her baby. We all just told her to try and rest so she could recover, but she kept rocking her arms back and forth. The doctors increased the sedation and put her back to sleep. It was not fair to keep the truth from her, but we needed to take some precautionary steps before telling her. Under the doctor’s advisement, her arms had to be restrained for everyone’s safety including her own. After the preparations were made, we all took a deep breath to ready ourselves.

That moment was the hardest thing I had ever had to witness in my life. She slowly opened her eyes, and tried to make the baby gesture. Although the restraints were in place, she could still make a bit of that motion. My brother gently told her that Hunter was in heaven. Even now, it’s impossible for me to imagine how that moment was for her: arms tied down; people trying to hold her down; a tube down her throat, unable to scream; having lost everything and unable to do anything. Her eyes were scrunched as tears burst uncontrollably. She kept tossing her head in refusal, desperately looking for a way to be free. She and I locked eyes and all I could see was pain and desperation. The silence made it so much worse. I was powerless to help. I was helpless.

That image will forever haunt me. There are nights where I still can’t sleep, or wake up in the middle of the night, because that moment keeps playing back over and over again. There are nights where I am exhausted, and I can’t stop my imagination. My train of thought takes me to the night of the fire, and all I see are flames, my sister, the baby, and the puppies trapped behind the fire, desperately gasping for air. I can’t help but dwell on how afraid, lonely, and hopeless they would have felt. These images keep appearing when I close my eyes, and although this happens less frequently now, it was impossible to get rest for months. This is life now.

Schooling after

The week that my brother and I were supposed to have as a break from school was spent at the hospital waiting for my sister to awaken. When school started up again, we alternated days for attendance so that we could both continue our studies but at the same time be there for my sister. We had already dedicated so much to this career path, and neither of us wanted to withdraw. Not having enough rest, missing classes, and being distracted detracted from our grades.

Cordell after

I did my best to be supportive to Cordell. He had lost just as much as my sister. After such a huge loss, he became desperate to try set things right and prepare for my sister’s return from the hospital. However, he did it in such disturbing and irrational ways that we started to fight again. We each had so much pain, and we took it out on each other in our arguments. I said many things that I regret - deep and hurtful things. It wasn’t just me. He and my sister in law had such a terrible encounter that to this day they cannot be in the same room.

Angie after

After some rehabilitation, the hospital discharged my sister so that she could rest in the comfort of family. At night, my sister was not able to get physically comfortable as her injuries would flare up. She would go back and forth between the bed and the sofa, continuously adjusting her elevation and position. During the rare time she was comfortable, she was still unable to sleep from fear and trauma. If the temperature was too high, she felt suffocated. When it was sunrise, and the room lit up ever so slightly, the dim glow would remind her of the fire. She couldn’t help staying awake as she was terrified of waking up to another attack. My sister avoided leaving the house whenever possible as the shame, humiliation, and attention was too much to handle. I did my best to keep her company and reassure her of our safety and security. However, I also had similar fears of being attacked, and I had to do everything I could to hide such uncertainty from her.

Me after

I wanted to be strong for my sister. Knowing her situation was so much worse, I decided to push aside my own issues. Going back to school served as a distraction, but it also meant putting my emotions on hold. In many ways, I did not have a proper chance to grieve until after it was all done, so I sought professional help.

I am not a violent person, but I am very creative. After discovering who was responsible for starting the fire, my mind was filled with horrible things I wanted to do. There is such hatred and animosity that I have. I don’t want to be this kind of person. I try to reflect on forgiveness and how to be a better person, but I am in such a dark place, I outright refuse to. Why do I have to be the better person? Why should I? I’m not ready to let go, but I don’t want to be this kind of person.

For the longest time, every day started off with too many thoughts and too many questions. It felt like a physical heavy weight in my chest, and a sinking void in my gut. It was suffocating. At times I literally stop breathing, and desperately gasp for air when I finally catch myself. I can no longer bring myself to sing or listen to the songs we used to share. Every morning feels muggy and uncomfortably silent. And that’s usually when I feel guilty for dwelling on my pain, when I know Angie and Cordell have it so much worse.

I have become an introverted shell of who I used to be. I feel broken, and nothing can fix any part of it. I can no longer be Hunter’s uncle.