#don't ask me what happened in april of 2024. i have blocked it out of my memory.

[mintjeru]

"thank you for being a victim of my shallow emotions" kvthm x alnst bc i love pain

open for better quality | no reposts

[twistedtummies2]

Plans Are In Progress (Commissions)

Hello, everybody. The current, EXTREMELY belated round of commissions is still a work in progress. My next workdate for them is thiscoming Monday, unless something changes. They should be finished before December.

People have been coming to me a lot recently, asking about when I'll be open again, and what's going to happen once I do. I won't go into detail, because I'm still working out all the details, but I do want to keep you all posted on updates.

The past two years of commission work - and especially this year - have been unmitigated disasters. Last year, in 2022, I attempted a system that I hoped would make it easier for me to get work done in-between rounds. It did not work at all. This year, I tried something similar, while also taking crowd control into effect...and it backfired on me spectacularly, leading to the current, dismal, highly disappointing and immensely frustrating state of affairs. All I can do in regards of the mistakes of the past is apologize, and hope that through this and other future plans, I won't lose too many of you in the process. Your patronage and support, dear commissioners and potential commissioners, is highly valued by me; please never believe otherwise.

WITH THAT SAID...I have learned some lessons as a result of the past couple years, this one included, and I'm going to try and use them to my advantage next year. For 2024, when I return to work, commissions will not be run the way they were this time, nor the way they were in 2022. In some ways, I'll be going back to basics, running comms effectively the way I always did from at least 2020 backwards.

HOWEVER, in other ways, things ARE going to change again. Like I said, right now I won't go into detail, because I don't HAVE all the details. Suffice it to say...for various reasons, I can no longer complete commissions with the speed and diligence I used to be able to manage when I started out. This year has been proof of that, if nothing else. I need to start making some changes in my life, my schedule, and my business management, and this means that the next few years are up in the air. I'm going to try and play things less intensely, in terms of planning, and I'm going to try and do some things that will allow me to give you all my best, without sacrificing my productivity, let alone my profits.

I know all this is vague and nebulous; I'm still figuring out the scheme. I intend to have plans ready for the block of January - April ready by the time I finish the current bunch of stories. So, sometime in December, I will be posting a journal to let everybody know what's going on, and I will make adjustments to my Commission Info tab accordingly.

Please stay with me, people. I appreciate you all more than words can describe. I'm honestly very scared about next year, on a lot of levels, not just comms; I hope my fears will not be justified.

[laivanlang]

James 4:2

“You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.”

april 14, 2024, 10:00pm

i cried out to the Lord with the heaviness of my heart, asking Him lots of whys

why do I and my family need to go through these challenges?

ang hirap umusad

lately, sobrang bigat ng mga pangyayari. there are decisions i regret making but don't regret at the same time

yung nagresign ako ng walang back up plan, ang hirap, nalubog kami agad sa utang dahil sa daily allowance at lalo na tuition fees ng mga kapatid ko

God answered my prayer and gave me a job but I am thankful and ungrateful at the same time

napag alaman ko na minamaliit ng bombo kung asan ako ngayon nagwowork

accepting this job I have right now, as in nilunok ko na ang pride ko at imbes comfort ang marinig ko sa kanila, i know even if I don't see it, I can imagine their faces mocking me and laughing at my fate right now dahil mas mataas ang sahod ko doon kesa dito

it hurts me and it makes me angry pero tiis lang!

yes, God gave me a job para makatulong makastart ako ulit, may maipambayad sa tambak naming utang, hoping na makakaipon onti dahil bakasyon ng mga kapatid ko from college

pero biglang bagsak naman si Eljon sa isa niyang major, which means magsasummer class siya to catch that up

syempre problema na naman ang pamasahe at tuition fees (na magsisilbing ipon sana) na akala namin ni Papa makakapagpahinga kami ng onti sa expenses

I ask God, bakit???

grabe naman! oo gets ko na He is just allowing these things to happen to make us stronger at magkaroon ng testimony that will glorify Him

pero this time, I cried my real concern

naging totoo lang ako sa harapan ng Panginoon

my prayer contains...

"grabe Ka na, Lord. tama na. this time favor naman ang ibigay Niyo sa akin at sa family ko. hirap na hirap na kami, Lord. alam kong hindi Ikaw ang nagbibigay ng pasanin sa buhay namin but You have the power to block the work of the devil. wag Mo naman nang i-allow. ang hirap hiral na, Lord. parang awa mo naman! this time makausad man lang kami. this time yung the best naman ang makamtan namin. sige na!"

this prayer may sound rude but after bawling my eyes out, biglang nagshift ang prayer ko into thanksgiving

God reminded me na everything do not happen accidentally

niremind ako ni Lord dahil ngayong araw P20 lang ang perang meron kami and yet, nakakain kami ng tatlong beses sa isang araw. may bonus pang meryenda

sa tulong ng mga tito at tita ko na naging kasangkapan ni Lord, naitawid namin muli ang araw na ito—all by the grace of God

I was reminded that God is still there.

nang magsearch ako ng daily devotion sa google, James 4:2 ang bumungad this day

at iyong, "You do not have because you do not ask God" grabe ang impact

I ask Him pero minsan lang. I limit Him. maybe because di ako naniniwala sa kakayahan Niya

pero muli akong magtitiwala. muli akong mag aask

[fix-ated]

i think i'm only beginning to mourn it now, almost half a decade later. i've waited all this time for the correct words to come, and now when they do they escape me in a rush, like a flood i don't know how i kept back all this while.

today is april 6th, 2024.

yesterday seemed particularly long. i spent half the day waiting for it to be over, and the other half thinking of you. have you moved on, now? for all the hurt i have caused you? i don't know to feel happy for you, or bitter that you have finally managed to let go. did you think that i moved on in the immediate aftermath?

let me tell you a secret. all these years, i've spent blocking you out, fearing these exact circumstances i find myself in today. today i choose it, i choose to let it wash over me. face it head on. it was there. i was there.

i didn't know how to start because i wouldn't know how to stop. and i don't think i'll ever be able to stop apologizing to you in my head. they asked me once if i felt bad, about it all. i said no. i don't think i could ever admit that to anyone but you, maybe not even you. and you're not even here to hear me say it, anyway. sorry, i've always been a coward. call me selfish.

i'm sorry. i'm always sorry. i've always been sorry and perhaps i always will. i don't know how to stop. i'm sorry, sorry, sorry, I'M SO FUCKING SORRY I WISH IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED ANOTHER WAY BUT IT COULDN'T HAVE. I'M SORRY! I WILL ALWAYS BE. i'm sorry. i don't think i'll ever be able to say it enough. give you what you deserve, the gentle ending you must have prayed for. so i give you this instead, or maybe it's a gift to myself. maybe by some fucked up twist of fate you'll see this someday, hopefully when i'm dead, and you'll know who you are. you'll know all of these are about you. and GOD i sound so fucking self centered but i like to think that i probably held on longer than you did. do you still hold on? do you? do you? would you have liked to know this?

please.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for how it played out, i'm sorry for hurting you, for all the tears and the damage and the inevitability of it all. i'm sorry. i loved you once upon a time. it wasn't enough. i'm sorry for that. i'm sorry about a lot of things. i'm sorry i can't ever say it to your face or even be in the same room as you. back then i said i would walk past you with the suave of a justice who had done nothing wrong in his life ever. i don't think i was lying. but now i think i would run away. i thought i've gotten braver, but apparently not when it comes to you, i'm sorry. sorry. maybe if i say it enough times you'll hear it. feel it. let it cover you as it did me.

i regret nothing.

[radspeon]

Pinned Post

jo/yasha/radi/radicat \ he/him \ based in washington \ tech enthusiast, HTML hobbyist, digital artist, occasional music maker, aspiring scene kid, archivist, lover of all things online

YOU CAN FIND ME ON

twitter , ao3 , dreamwidth(long blog posts) , bearblog(short blog posts), youtube , my website , instagram , toyhou.se

DNI

-please do not interact if you age/pet regress, my blog is not kidsafe, and may be distressing or inappropriate for someone in a regressed state. -please do not interact if you're under fourteen -please do not interact if you're in the south park, bojack horseman, mha, or attack on titan fandom(nothing against you as a person, i just don't want these fandoms to interact with me anymore) -please do not interact if you still think that "cringe" is an insult(you will not have a good time here) -please do not interact if you are a proshipper/pro-fiction -please do not interact if you don't respect mspec identities -please do not interact if you're a terf -please do not interact if you call teens 'minors' just for the hell of it

BYF

while i will not divulge my actual age, i am a teenager. if i interact with you and it turns out that you do not want teens to interact with you please shoot me a message letting me know so i can block you(not out of malice, just so the mistake won't happen again). please also understand that 'dni' goes both ways, and i do not want to interact with anyone with 'minors dni' in their bios either. my blog contains many posts that may be eyestraining to certain viewers, and i largely do not tag eyestrain on this blog. i do tag flashing/flickering lights as much as i can, but i may miss some, so you might want to be cautious. i am always online, so feel free to shoot me a message any time if you so wish.

SIDEBLOGS

@pseudofujo - my yaoi sideblog where i review BL stories, mostly terrible 90s ova's. @rainbow-dash-sideblog - ....kinda what it says on the tin. i reblog any art of rainbow dash that i find @moichinagae - a blog to chronicle the archiving effort for YASHA by Akimi Yoshida. it's much more professional than this blog. @amamiyarin - a blog to talk about YASHA by Akimi Yoshida without the professional tone of moichinagae. @nocula-drasferatu - a blog dedicated to my fursona and furry stuff in general. @godlyfoals - a production diary blog for my furry fantasy-western novel, Godly Foals. @buttonbunnyadvicecolumn - an askblog where you can ask my childhood plush, Button Bunny, for advice on just about anything. still a WIP, but it'll be done soon. @cyberneticcelestia - my art blog @perpetualponydetention - my blog for an mlp comic called Perpetual Pony Detention, in which Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Cheerilee get up to lots of shenanigans in the Ponyville schoolhouse. also there's occasionally side comics that feature none of those characters.

URL CHANGES

vampiricspectrumdisorder --> radspeon (April 24th, 2024) ibmeduquest --> vampiricspectrumdisorder(March 11th, 2024) radiationcat196 --> ibmeduquest(Nov 6, 2023) r3dyasha --> radiationcat196(Apr 1, 2023) mudmaude --> r3dyasha(idk when but sometime in 2022 i think?)

[salemruinseverything]

if your fucking blog is blank i'm blocking you and reporting you for spam i don't give a fuck give me one [1] sign you are an actual human being first

[don't worry, the mile long description is staying, that's my only accomplishment on this site aside from april 13, 2007, brobecks bmonday, and ferb time]

[i'm also liveblogging homestuck intermittently, go here [browser only] for a nice little organized archive. unlike everything else on tumblr it works better on mobile browser, my desktop theme doesn't like long posts]

hi, welcome to salemruinseverything dot tumble, your source for quality reblogs, horrible [affectionate] original posts, and frequent tøp-posting of varying quality [read: reblogging half of what's in the tag every time lore happens]. my name's salem. [mainly.] i use they/them, xe/xem, joy/joyr, ae/aer, it/its, and 🍭/🍭s pronouns [also mainly, you can check my pronouny for more of both of those.] [also, i do sometimes use he/him or she/her for myself, but id prefer if other people didn't.] this is mostly a bandom/shitposting blog, but i have been known to post about politics, animatronics, and doll collecting very frequently. i once got someone to ask dallon weekes if he knew what furries were, and that is both my biggest accomplishment and the worst thing i've ever done. my only personality traits are being personally victimized by pete wentz, having a crush on gerard way, surviving solely on monster energy and spite, and being a kinnie which i refuse to be ashamed about anymore. i have a lot of ocs. feel free to read on if you want to know anything else but that's really all the info you need.

dni if: you're a queerphobe, an ace/aro exclusionist, anti-xenogenders/neopronouns, a terf/swerf, a pedo/map/nomap/anti-anti/whatever you guys are calling yourselves now, anti-kin of any sort, you actively support brendon urie or melanie martinez, preps/posers /mj [this list will also get amended at some point it's like 2 am as i write this] [also fair warning that this isn't an exhaustive list and i hardblock without hesitation if your vibes are off. no hard feelings unless you're a bigot]

hey if we're mutuals/i follow you please tag these w/ "salem dont look" [you absolutely don't have to but id appreciate it]: any photos of actual needles [talk of needles/cartoon needles are fine], minimalist aesthetics [especially in black and white], death from overdoses [other varieties of death are fine im emo & desensitized [mostly]], the names morgan & chey, any photos of posessed ybc!patrick, & agere stuff [i have nothing against y'all and you're very welcome here, but it's a big squick for me lmao]

a short list of things i post about [formerly a list of things i actively post about, but half of these fandoms are dead now and i'm too lazy to take them out]

my chemical romance

various decaydance bands

hating brendon urie

twenty øne piløts[? in my 2024? it's more likely than you think.]

i DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

the aforementioned bamd secretly being catboys

waterparks [the band]

sanders sides

various mcyts/associated streamers

homestuck[? in my 2024? it's m-]

tally hall. how did i forget tally hall.

brian david gilbert [& associated acts]

particularly polygon but i can no longer count that as an associated act

the heart rate of a mouse [i apologize in advance]

will wood, with or without the tapeworms

lalaloopsy [where is lalaloopsy tumblr. please]

american girl

some other general doll collecting stuff as well, but i do mainly collect the two mentioned above [mostly lalaloopsies. lalaloopsy fans please interact]

showbiz pizza/the rockafire explosion[/chuck e cheese occasionally]

disney parks [i hate the corporation but i am a sucker for a good dark ride]

i haven't seen a single episode of supernatural since i was 9 and have never played tf2 but castiel and scout are my special little guys so i post about them sometimes

this list will probably be changed at some point by the way this is just off the top of my head

tags i use:

#salem's random thoughts: any original textposts i make

#salem's shitposting at midnight again: my old textpost tag, is now mainly used for memes if at all

#top 10 gerard way gf moments: you know how i said one of my only personality traits was having a crush on gerard way? yeah

#salem please stop talking about your kandi: a catchall tag for any posts i make talking about/with pictures of my kandi

#awsten knight troll propaganda: hey did you know that awsten knight is a valid troll name? and that him typing in all caps all the time could technically be counted as a typing quirk? yeah [the tag that inevitably led to parxstuck]

#tally hall out boy cinematic universe: a mostly abandoned project wherein i tried to connect everything possible to tally hall and/or fall out boy

#salems selfies: this is just pictures of my face

#you're a hot mess and i'm falling for queue: uh. queue tag. yeah. mostly used when i hit post limit but sometimes i schedule things

#salems im okay liveblog: on the rare occasions my favorite webcomic, i'm okay (trust me), updates i am bound to liveblog the new episode so if you dont care about it then block that cause I Have Emotions About These Dumb Emo Teens

#salem answers a question: tag for asks

#my friends!!: things my friends post!

#seven of spiders: tag for my band!! it's mostly an actual band now!! we still don't have a drummer though

#salem's discography liveblogs: there were a lot of bands i was avoiding getting into just because i didn't know when or how to start with their music, so i now have a list of said bands and i've been going down the list, picking a band and listening to one of their albums until i finish their whole discography. used to be on sundays but i kind of just do them whenever i feel like it now. i also have individual tags for each band but you can find those by going through the tag. current tags to block if you don't wanna see this: #salems gorillaz liveblog, #paramore discography liveblog [my blacklist tags for this are inconsistent im sorry]

#vampireposting & #idogposting: i like vampires & idogs. self explanatory.

#salems ocs, #the murder crew, #dsmpjoys au, #parxstuck, #my chemical l'manberg au, & #the reprisians: stuff abt my ocs/aus! [please send me asks about them pls pls p] [note because i don't know where else to put it; dsmpjoys & mcl are on indefinite hiatus o7]

#every day i have strange sentences (?) put into my ask box by tumblr user full of teeth: dumb shit [affectionate] that everest sends me. still using his url from two urls ago because i'm lazy.

#liveblogging my breakdown: the posts that get a little too venty lmao, feel free to block if you don't wanna see that shit

#ftwwwposting: mcr play ftwww live challenge

this will also be updated cause i Know this isnt all the tags i use on a regular basis

other things i think are important to note:

all my posts are ok to rb unless they're specifically tagged w don't rb [although i guess this isn't much of an issue now that i can turn off reblogs but. still]

i don't actually ship any real people [at least not anymore- i sincerely apologise if you scroll down far enough to find unironic rpf-posting], but i do make a concerning amount of rpf jokes and am a throamie, and i try to tag any rpf-related content accordingly [i swear i'm posting about peterick in a platonic way i swear it on my life it's not my fault bandom has not caught onto the concept of duo names]

ask me to tag things if you need me to! it doesn't matter how "dumb" you think it is, i will try my hardest to tag it

the only thing i won't tag is blood, because i'm an mcr fan and that shit's so prevalent in this fandom that i don't even wanna try- however, i do tag gore, & i only rb cartoony/artistic gore, no realistic stuff :p

on that note let me know if i miss any tags so i can add them! [i do forget to tag things excruciatingly often, i'm sorry for that]

also on that note since people keep asking: i put tws on fall out boy/panic! at the disco because people asked me to [i don't anymore because i'm like 80% sure they both unfollowed me but. if you see older posts with those tws that's why]

ALSO on that note. i reblog so much mcyt stuff that it's basically impossible to tag it all at this point so like genuinely no offense but if you need that blacklisted please just unfollow stop harassing me to tag it

all the tw/cw tags i use are formatted "tw/cw [thing]", & mentions of that thing are tagged "tw/cw [thing] mention". i often forget which things i use cw tags for and which i use tw tags for so id recommend blocking both to protect yourself from my stupidity

please send me asks. i crave human interaction

i block people a lot, don't @ me- this is my space and i'm curating it how i want. literally, if you give me weird [in a bad way] enough vibes from a quick scroll through your blog after you follow me, i'm blocking you.

if you're not around my age [i am very young! mid teens! im not comfortable sharing specifics but if you're like. under legal tumblr age/above 18 this applies to u], please don't message me if we haven't talked before, it makes me uncomfortable [you're welcome to follow, just don't dm me please] [this also doesn't apply if we've already talked a few times outside of dms]

i threaten to stab people a lot. please know that i'm joking

my sideblogs: [ironically only three of these aren't related to my ocs]

@mediocreincorrectquotes: incorrect quotes of various fandoms

@sevenofspiders: blog for my band :p

@salems-edits: feel like the url sums that one up

@terribleocincorrectquotes: incorrect quotes of my ocs, horribly organized

@ooc-tiktok-comments: the uh. the url sums it up

@cottoncandy-system: system blog (hi we have osdd. apparently)

@bimbemo: aesthetic sideblog (HUGE flashing lights & eyestrain cw)

@its-just-ray-toro: its just ray toro. follow for ray toro on your dash

@bunnyboylyricbot: lyrics i like posted twice daily

all of the sideblogs below are semi-rp, semi-aesthetic blogs for my ocs all of which are very inactive

@alluwantizbadboys - gabe kennedy

@sharpeasaknife - helena sharpe

@christmasknight - noelle knight

@thearistocrat - cain harmony

@mxs1n1st3r - celine sinister

@frmthrzr2thrzry - aaron knight

@b3aut1ful--quarant1n3 - razz roscoe

@voluntaryv1ct1m - jaxxie boyd

@began-and-ended-in-ellipses - cas roscoe

i also have a few secret sideblogs. you'll have to find them yourself

also i am now forcing you to look at these pictures of ryan ross.

[Image ID: several assorted photos of Ryan Ross. /end ID]

that's it thank you have a good day