#dont make fun of the ribs >:'0

[jackals-ships]

one of you needs to take away my ability to write

GHB/Dog, cyber paleness

CW: uh. it's not like. sexual but some parts could be read as suggestive maybe? listen quadrants are a liil weird and im jus doing what the brain worms say 2

Dog: so update: i miss you >:c

Dog: remind me who's idea you wandering all the FUCK way off was?

Ghb: aww fuck best bud i miss you too

Ghb: BUT YOU UP AN KNOW I GOTTA DO HER IMPERIOUS'S BIDDING

Dog: bluhhhhhhhhhhh. bluh. bluh!!!!

Ghb: you gonna just spend all day bluhhin at me doll?

Dog: ….probably. maybe

Dog: anyway! hows your jobb goin?

Ghb: FUCKIN BORING HONESTLY. BUNCH OF FISH BITCHES TALKING ABOUT BULLSHIT I DONT RIGHTLY CARE ABOUT

Ghb: an guess. take a fucking guess who's here

Dog: OHHH let me guess hmmm. a certain drama queen fishy bastard?

Ghb: MOTHERFUCKIN. DUALSCAR. I SWEAR TO THE MESSIAHS I'M GONNA THROW HIM OUT THE AIRLOCK ONE OF THESE DAYS

Dog: no!!!! >:0 im the one that gets to murder him

Ghb: fine but i get to watch

Dog: pfft yeah okay deal babes, but you have to come back first >:/ i miss you??

Ghb: DONT YOU WORRY LIL BROTHER ILL BE BACK SOON. HOWVE YOU BEEN AT THE HIVE BY YOUR LONESOME? I KNOW SOMETIMES YOUR PAN UP AN RUNS AWAY FROM YA

Fg: aslfhsjo. listen,,,,,,

Ghb: im listenin :0) you know i always am <>

Dog: 1st off i hate you <>

Dog: 2nd off: i hate you! <><><>

Dog: 3rd off:

Ghb: HMMMM?

Dog: t h i r d off there's a v small tiniest of chances that a buoy has been struggling as it were

Dog: B O Y GOD DAMN IT THE BASTARD IS IN MY BRAIN

Ghb: awww best friend :0( you wanna glub about it?

Dog: FIRST OFF I LITERALLY HATE YOU

Dog: second again I'm. listen. i would not like,,,object to a feelings jam and or a pile abt it because my brain has been really dumb

Dog: BUT LIKE

Dog: I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY SO ITS FINE!!! no more typing im fine!!!!

Dog: you put those fingers down >:0 im f i n e

Ghb: HEY NOW BEST BUDDY, DEEP BREATH

Ghb: deeep breath for me most miraculous buddy of mine

Ghb: I CAN DUCK OUT OF HERE EARLY :0)

Ghb: her imperious condescension and her boytoy can just up and fucking deal

Ghb: JUST GIVE ME A FEW MINS ALRIGHTY BEST BUD?

Dog: akdhhsksl,,,,,,okay,,,,

-----

Ghb: honk honk honk :0)

Dog: ughh you're horrible i changed my mind go back,

Ghb: AWW YOU LOVE ME THOUGH ;0) <>

Dog: LIES AN SLANDER???

Dog: <><><><>

Ghb: so how you feelin lil bro? your pan still up an botherin you?

Dog: im! fine akdgk dw im okay my mini melt down was dumb bc i am jus a lil dumb,

Ghb: >:0( HEY NOW DONT YOU GO AN TALK ABOUT YOURSELF LIKE THAT

Ghb: youre not dumb, your pan just sometimes likes to scurry away without you an you know better than to say that nonsense about your fine self

Ghb: BEST BE UP AN GETTING YOUR APOLOGY ON

Dog: you come in my messaging,,,,you make me be nice to my me,,,,i hate you. but fine @ myself im sorry for being mean to my me Again

Ghb: thank you miraculous bro! that was a mighty fine apology :0) apology accepted?

Dog: akdhsk yes apology accepted an junk if it'll make you be quiet

Ghb: NOPE! :0)

Ghb: where you at best lil diamond mine? curled up on the pile?

Dog: there is a non zero chance i am yes,,,an i uh. added to it a lil

Ghb: OH?

Dog: i hate youuuuu

Dog: i uh. stole one a your jackets,,,,im cuddled up in it. i look like im in a pale porno GOD

Ghb: SHIT BROTHER THAT IS

Ghb: absolutely the cutest fuckin thing i've heard today :0)

Dog: shut!!!!

Dog: what uh. what about you?

Ghb: IM ALL LAYING ON A COMFY ASS PILE MYSELF, STOLE SOME EXTRA BLANKETS FROM SOME EMPTY ROOMS

Ghb: wish you were here though so i could warm a brother up ;0)

Dog: jfhjffk o..oh?

Dog: wh. how would you start?

Ghb: FIRST ID GET ALL COMFY NEXT TO YA, ALL CURLED UP AROUND YOUR TINY LIL SELF

Ghb: you're always so fuckin cold all the time, colder than the fish even

Dog: my body is simply a Bastard tbh. hfjk that sounds so nice tho,,,

Ghb: YEAH? WHY DONT YOU CUDDLE DOWN IN THE BLANKETS FOR ME, GET YOURSELF NICE AN TOASTY

Dog: mmmm,,,,,,yeah okay that's. that's good

Ghb: IT IS ISN'T IT? FEELS SO GOOD TO BE WARM

Ghb: you deserve to feel good lil bro, an id make you feel even better if i was there, rub your arms an get some of that good good heat in there, maybe even work out some of the knots in your shoulders, i know you keep a lot of tension there. it's like a couple a rocks in there

Dog: hhh y,,yeah i do huh?

Dog: id uh. id want to squirm around eventually so i can kiss at your jawline an neck. an maybe bite a lil? its. it's fun

Dog: not like ROUGH bites like i do with crofish but uh, lil nips. on, on your earfins too if that's okay

Ghb: ITS SO FUCKIN CUTE, YOU GOT THOSE LIL BABY FANGS IT FEELS LIKE A LIL PURR BEAST NIPPIN AT ME

Ghb: and it tickles something fierce when you get at my fins! id have to get you back in the ribs >:0)

Dog: jhdjfkf NO RUDE!! i changed my mind id bite you So Hard

Ghb: AWW YOURE SO MEAN TO ME WHEN IM TRYING TO TREAT YOU SWEET

Ghb: now a question for you: how do you want me to wind you down my most wonderful lil buddy?

Dog: maybe uh. fuck, damn

Ghb: SHH TAKE YOUR TIME SWEET THING YOU CAN DO IT

Dog: i uh. i like it when you pet me. an talk all sweet to me, but like that kinda mean sweet? s. smean,,,

Ghb: aww fuck i can certainly do that sweet thing :0)

Ghb: here im even gonna get all quiet for you, you like it when i talk soft with you huh? you get all blushy when i do with that miracle red on your cheeks

Ghb: why don't you touch yourself for me, real gentle. spread your hand out on your stomach an press down jus a lil bit

Ghb: i could break you right in half if i wanted on account of you being so little

Ghb: but i won't because im so pale for you sweetling

Dog: hhhhhfjgk shit

Ghb: aww look at you, that's my good boy

Ghb: you get flustered so easy, you never really let anyone treat you kind like you deserve huh?

Dog: noo,,,,it feels. weird hhf

Ghb: we'll were gonna have to change that aren't we? im just gonna have to treat you real soft til you learn it's safe

Ghb: fuck you're such a pitiable lil thing aren't you. why don't you trace your hand up your chest for me, just a lil bit of claw

Ghb: and then cup your cheek real soft

Dog: o. oh,,hm

Ghb: i wanna hold your face lil diamond, nuzzle up in your neck and tell you how precious you are to me

Ghb: just let yourself relax now okay? let me do the work for once <>

Ghb: you're such a pitiable lil doll, every time i look at you i feel like my blood pusher is about to stop. and you don't even know it? you don't even know what a sweetly pathetic lil thing you are? like a teeny lil purrbeast

Ghb: and you trust me so much, you shouldn't do that my lil diamond. you've seen the kind of things i can do. and yet i put my hand on your head and you melt like you ain't ever been touched gentle once in your whole life

Ghb: fuck i love to see that, i love you. im gonna keep telling you that til it gets in your pan proper

Ghb: i love you, i love you. im gonna take care of you always you hear me? you're always gonna be safe with me, im not gonna let a single damn person lay a hand on you without your permission

Ghb: you're probably starting to get a lil tired, i know you get all worked up and crash so fast. you gonna rest now lil diamond mine?

Dog: hhh y. yeah,,

Dog: m pale for you <>

Ghb: pale for you too lil lamb <> pale as bones and stardust :0)

Ghb: just a few more days and ill be home to pile with you proper

[sheriffofmagic]

What's your opinion on the avatars/vaguely-defined fear entities in terms of stanability. What's the ranking like. This is an obviously important question.

this is a test of how many I can remember but uhhh here goes. if this was the fears themselves I'd have different answers but for the avatars this is what I've got (based on my recollection(& only one per fear to save space lol)) this is a mess I'm so sorry

Helen - obviously 10/10 might have done a few murders but that's fine

Daisy - I dont have to explain myself she's perfect and I love her 9.8/10 (slight point deduction for all the murders)

Annabelle Cain - I blame the scientists entirely and now she just fucks with jon?? that's not evil, that's just fun 8/10 using her eldritch powers responsibly

Jon - I love him but he did kinda bring about the apocalypse so like... idk he got knocked down a few pegs 6/10 would send to therapy

The Piper - Idk i just like how the slaughter involves a lot more music than any of the other fears? I just think it's neat 5/10

Jared Hopworth - I'm biased cause I love the idea of the boneturner's tale. not a fan of the flesh as a whole but Jared's chill, he just grabs his ribs and goes. 4/10

Agnes Montague - the destruction as a concept... frustrates me. dont know why. and I just dont find it all that scary so sorry Agnes :/ (3/10)

Jane Prentiss - I dont like bugs 1/10

Simon Fairchild - the vast is not my friend and the episodes about the Daedalus make me uncomfy so like 0/10

Peter Lukas - he's an interesting character but the lonely is so close to depression and he manipulates martin so like 0/10 you deserved your fate you dusty bitch

Elias Bouchard - I absolutely cannot stand this bitch. from a narrative perspective? perfect amazing but everything he's done and everything he represents (apathy, inaction, callous observation) frustrates me to no end I hate it. i dont even know who I want to be the one to kill him but it better happen -1000/10 I hope his gods destroy him

this is almost certainly not what you wanted but I got a bit distracted by the avatar bits... sorry my brain is mush

[jack-kellys]

thank u, next: finale part 1

hey everyone ;)

thank u, next is finally back and this thing I wrote is so long that it's TWO PARTS LONG!! isn't that EXCITING?? (it's only two parts because tumblr won't let it fit but it's fine)

all previous chapters are at the bottom of my masterlist—read for a refresher if ya need lmao it's been a while

here we go!

————

LAST TIME ON TU,N: al and race had their first date, al revealed some of his history, both boys admitted they loved each other (essentially), and race mentioned something about needing to stall....

words: 1527

warnings: cursing, death mention, cliffhanger?? :0

———

Five, Part One

“I think it’s ready.”

Race tilted his head to face his boyfriend as he said this, hands placed neatly over his stomach as he laid on the bed. Race’s quiet demeanor was misleading, as usual—a storm was roaring inside, a hurricane spinning and making his chest tighten in apprehension.

“What’s ready, Al?” Race asked.

Albert turned his head to the side as well, gazing at Race with a new light in his eyes. His smile was so wide and endearing that it nearly broke Race’s heart.

“The apartment, stupid,” Al scoffed. “We fixed it up, cleaned it, I got all the papers ready, my stuff’s all ready…” Al grinned. “I’m ready to move into it.”

And then Race’s heart did break.

Al looked so, so happy. Race knew that for Albert, getting his own place was a bigger milestone than it already would be for the average person. It meant something more than just a second floor apartment—it was a freedom Al had longed for since he was twelve, he'd said. A freedom that would rip whatever freedom Albert currently had away from him.

“You sure, baby?” Race whispered, trying not to let his voice break. “Everything’s done? There’s nothing left to prepare, nothing left to pack up?”

“Nope!” Al shook his head, eyes glinting as he leaned over to Race. “It’s done. Everything’s done. It’s gonna be mine, Antonio. All mine. Just like you.”

He pressed his lips hard onto Race’s, Race eagerly tangling his fingers into Albert’s red hair. Al’s hand was warm against his cheek, his thumb rubbing softly against him despite the intensity of the kiss. Race lost himself in Albert more than usual, hyper-focused on every detail—every freckle, every hair out of place, the feel of his hands on him, the taste of his lips and tongue, every small sound he made. Ironic how Al called him perfect, since the opposite was true.

After a while, Race was tracing his fingers over Albert’s stomach as the man rambled about how he wanted to set up the place, Race nodding every so often.

How Race’s heart shattered for him—this most undeserving man who had been nothing but endlessly interesting and funny and warm to him. Yes, Albert’s infatuation was mostly false, but Race could feel the deep friendly affection Albert harbored for him as well, one Race harbored right back. Only once before had Race let himself do that—in 1905, a boy named Sean Conlon walked into that same apartment door with a skeptical glance and narrowed eyes, and to Race’s dismay, they were friendly as well as intimate. It had broke him then, and it was breaking him now.

Through the rest of the week, it would continue to break him. Race helped Albert move into the place, not allowed to let Al get any suspicions as to why Race might have seemed gloomy. Moving in was tragically fun, the two of them laughing as they dropped boxes, picking up their contents and talking about nothing and everything. Race was surprised at his ability to keep the lump in his throat down enough to even talk to Al. Lucky, too—Albert was rather smart at figuring when something was wrong.

“I think that's everything,” Albert huffed, smiling and wiping his hands on his jeans. “I can't believe it.”

“Neither can I,” Race laughed, shaking his head. “Fast, huh?”

“Yeah, thank God. I thought that was gonna take so much longer. I'd assumed the worst,”

Al shrugged. Then he grinned, doing a small spin with his arms out in the center of the room. “But this is so great! It's all mine, and I'm responsible for it, and I make the rules—well, technically not, but still…”

Albert’s rambling faded away slightly as Race felt something in his chest. A sort of tug, like something was trying to get out of him

His heart stopped. That was so soon. Surely he had a little more time? An hour at least? He still had to tell him everything.

His change in demeanor must have been noticeable. Al was practically scanning him, analyzing anything that could be wrong.

“Babe, you oka—”

“I lied to you,” Race interrupted.

Albert went silent. His head was cocked slightly, that skeptical frown of his making Race’s heart skip a beat, that frown that meant Al wasn't just some pawn in Race’s wretched game.

“About what?” Albert asked slowly, eyes narrowed. A pang of guilt jabbed Race through the ribs as he remembered Al’s shitty past with relationships. This would be one for the books, Race supposed.

“About me. About who I—well, not about who I am. I lied about what I'm here for,” Race confessed.

“About why your mom left you here,” Al concluded. “What you're saying is that you ain't here to protect the people who buy this apartment, like you’d said to me.”

Race couldn't help but be slightly impressed. Albert’s expression remained rather neutral, his actual anger probably fighting with his infatuation with Race. Al was doing a good job at not letting either side win.

“No, I'm not here for that,” Race sighed. He had to get this over with. Maybe it'd hurt less that way. “When my family first moved to New York, my mom was at a loss as to where to go. Not many people just welcomed immigrants like that, y’know? And then we found this apartment. The landlord charmed my ma’s pants off—he was the first nice person to us in the city. But then he changed.

“He stopped caring about us. He didn't get anyone to fix anything when things were broken, no one cleaned anything. He took advantage of the people in this building, knowing no one could go anywhere else. He just took our money and kept the place in shambles. And so I died from the conditions—that part’s true.

“As I was dying—stay with me here, Albie, we don't have much time—my mother cursed me with haunting this apartment, and….making anyone who walks into the door with intentions to buy...instantly fall in love with me. It keeps me alive—the more people, the longer I get to live.”

Race hugged himself, willing the feeling in his chest to wait. Albert looked paralyzed, with fear or confusion or anger Race couldn't tell.

“So...so none of this was real? I-I don't...I don't love you right now?” Al questioned, eyebrows knit together.

“It's real to an extent,” Race explained, his heart cracking as Albert’s face dropped further. “I just...I gave you the initial infatuation, and then amplified the feelings you caught for me.”

“The feelings I caught?” Al scoffed. “Like you don't have them.” Then Albert froze. “You don't have ‘em, do you. You never did. That was just my stupid head telling me that you did, wasn't it.”

Race shook his head wildly. This was going worse than he thought it would. “No! No, Al, I promise you I do. I fell for you, I didn't mean to, but I—”

“Didn't mean to?” Albert seethed. If he was this worked up, time must really be up soon, Race noted sadly.

“It hurts less that way,” Race decided to admit. “I've been doing this for centuries now. My Ma wants revenge for eternity and I'm the pawn she needs to play it out.”

“This is fucked up,” Al said, tone decisive and expression stiff. “You're fucked up. Get the fuck outta my apartment, right now, you lying sonofa—”

“I’m afraid I can't do that,” Race said, the words coming out of him rather than him actually saying them. He was starting to feel a little distant, but he had to hold on. Just a little longer.

Albert’s eyes narrowed. “You're not physically attached to the place. Your words, not mine. Get out.”

“Can't leave this time,” Race shook his head solemnly.

“Then fuck you. I'll leave,” Albert bit out. Approaching the door, he scoffed, “if I didn't fuck a ghost, then you must be a goddamn demon, fucking prick.”

Race didn't say anything—couldn't, rather, as Al tried to open the door. He jiggled the knob a few times, then looked at Race.

“I didn't lock this,” Al stated. His eyes were wide. “Did you?”

“Not exactly,” Race murmured, looking at his feet. “I can't leave, which means you can't leave, either.”

“Race?” Albert breathed, back flush against the door as fear flashed in his eyes. “What are you saying.”

“I’m running out of time,” Race said instead. “I just...I need you to know that I've loved you. I'm in love with you, I swear on my mother’s soul I am. And I'm sorry you have to pay for it. I'm so, so sorry…” He felt tears slide down his cheeks.

“Race, for what?” Albert demanded. “What's- what’s going to happen?”

“I'm not part of what comes next, okay? I don't want this, I don't...want this…please…”

The tugging was too strong. He'd pushed it off for too long; he was out of time. Race felt his mind slip away from him, and then he was gone, torn away from Albert and leaving him to go through what was next alone.

———

haha what the fuck does THAT mean? read part two to find out!

TAG LIST

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[cow3survivor]

Ep. 6: “So Many Ways This Could Backfire” - Jennet

JENNET 

so the plan worked out great except jabari said that “now jake will know the truth” in front of daisy and the other tribemates🥺 i was hoping that i could pin this on lindsay so that once we merged i could lie about it and have lindsay be out next before the merge... this is truly sickening idk what to do

(a little later)

feeling really bad... is it my fault that jake forced me into a f3 with jabari who ive barely spoken with??? idk i feel like not only did i betray her but i betrayed a black woman and that makes me sick to my stomach.... hoping that i made the right choice and this propels me further in the game🥺 i honestly hated having to do that but maybe if ethan and sam have tribal connections left, when we merge, maybe we will be able to stick together and he’ll also help connect me

JESSICA

I GOT THE IDOL! It is good for 4 rounds and I still have my vote. And just in time as we are swapping into 3 tribes of 5 like I thought..... wow my psychic abilities! Jabari got voted out at tribal and I'm sad. I didn't know her but I think she was new to orgs and I really wanted to play with her! Plus she volunteered to do the tiebreaker for her tribe so I thought they'd keep her due to that. Time for a swap lets kick this game into gear!

JENNET

hoping jake isnt on the same tribe as daisy or lindsay

(a little later)

also hoping im on a tribe of winners so i never make it to tribal bc i DEFINITELY was/am the weakest link☠️

MIKEY

so. I FUCKING HATE THIS NEW TRIBE. THEY PICKING OFF ALL THE GOOD ORIGINAL CALUMMA MEMBERS AND MY GIRL JABARI LITERALLY JUST LEFT??? FUCK YOU JENNET. I KNOW THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU! But anyways, its me and jake vs all OG (insert other tribes name) and i think I'm going next lool fuck ME. this is very sad indeed and idk im upset but ima try my mf hardest

JAKE

https://youtu.be/OzrGekDCG8I xoxo gossip girl

JENNET

jones and ethan on my tribe?? *blushes sm*

(a little later)

nervous about this tribe... ive pulled off three blindsides that ive helped orchestrate so if like if someone really wanted to look deeper into it.... they would be able to make a target out of me bc of it. definitely worried

(after cooking a fish)

this is basically an allstar team. everybody on here is a heavy hitter and that makes me worried bc if i wasnt the weakest link before, i definitely am now. wishing we had gotten rid of lindsay instead of jabari bc we just made another team stronger but it is what it is i guess

JONES

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbTUvzatQrw

JESSICA

Today's song is "Ribs" by Lorde because I have played it on repeat all morning. Also I forget if I said for my last confessional but that song was "Sober", also by Lorde. Basically I love Lorde and my life is better because of it. This swap worked out super well for me! I really said in my host chat "Could I please be put on a tribe with Shane and Daisy?" and the hosts simply said "Okay". I have my final 3 back together and we also have Lindsay and Lovelis. Lindsay seems really cool so far and Lovelis and I have a good thing going so I feel very confident on this tribe. I really hope we do not lose because honestly? I don't want to vote out Lindsay at all. I like that she is active and she seems like someone who really is putting in effort whereas Lovelis, as much as I like him, just really hasn't been here. I would rather play this game with people who are more active so to me it's like.... Lindsay is absolutely not the obvious vote if we lose. Not even a bit! I'd love to do with her what I did with Mikey and make a separate f2 so that when we merge, she's someone who will keep the target off of me. I didn't tell my alliance about the idol because honestly I just don't anticipate using it at all. It expires so soon and I really only took it so that no one else would end up having it. Also.... I don't know, I didn't tell them right away because I was a bit busy at the moment we swapped and now it feels suspicious if I do tell them? Also who knows, maybe they would not find my story believable and think I have an idol up to final 5 which I just don't want! I'd rather throw the idol into the sea so it causes no problems. This immunity challenge is an interesting one. If I knew what was in the boxes, I would probably bet more, but I bet some of those boxes have bad things or nothing in them and I simply do not want that. If I had to guess, one has the other half to that idol, one probably has an idol clue, another maybe has extra idol searches.... maybe another has an idol nullifier? Or a vote peek? Really none of these are things that I need. They're all cool but I'd rather be immune thanks! As far as how I feel in the game, I really do want the Maples to be f3. I'd rather be at the end with my alliance and lose than flip and be there without them. Ummmm what other thoughts do I have.................... I think that might be it. My mind is empty but I'm still moving forward.

LINDSAY

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1L5Nzch65XLD_njxnIxLKwqUs5vqXcYot/view?usp=drivesdk

JESSICA

Also if we lose this immunity....... I'll be mad because I bet 0 on everything and I am STAYING that way!

JENNET

feeling increasingly bad for voting out jabari /:: idk it doesnt sit right with me in the grand scheme of things. obviously its a game but the fact that i genuinely upset somebody to that extent is so sick. idec that we’re going to tribal, i want to be voted out

ETHAN

3 tribals in a row... I don't for a freaking second believe that Jones and Nicol "made a mistake" with their bidding. This feels like throwing, and if it is, it means that: 1. they feel comfortable enough with Jennet to have a majority 2. they feel comfortable enough with Pete to have a majority 3. it doesn't matter anyway, they now have 2 boxes and potentially an idol or two they could use Either way, this is a freaking sucky situation, and Pete is being super sketchy. People keep making bad play after bad play so honestly, it is hard for me because I keep assuming that they will be doing all of these things to throw the wool over my eyes when they actually aren't doing anything.

JENNET

im annoyed im frustrated and im angry... why were so many points used?

(a little later)

here i am... again... in the middle guys vs girls.... um this sucks bc like me ethan pete didnt use alot of points and nicole and jones did so thats like sucky bc initially i wanted pete gone but like now theres no reason for it to be him

(after soaking in the sun)

nicole says that pippa told her to wait to see whats in the box, so that could mean tribal or that could wait next round. or what if its a comeback power? i literally have no idea what to do

(after making a pillow out of leaves)

okay so the plan is, we get to tribal. me ethan and pete vote for nicole. jones and nicole vote for pete. nicole uses immunity on herself, pete goes home. there are so many ways this could backfire and honestly if it sends me home than im okay with that. i just hate going to tribal so many times in a row

MADISON

I AM FREE FROM MY BROOKESIA PRISON. Current tribe dynamic on Furcifer: me/Sammy have been on the same tribe this whole time, me/Sammy/Jake were just on swap Brookesia, and i know Sam from OG Brookesia so the only person i'm just now meeting is Mikey and that stresses me out so much less than if we had merged or something. My gut is telling me that the idol is long gone and searching might just get me annoyed before it gets me an idol. On the upside, i still have time to find one if it's it out there because i highly doubt I'll be in trouble anytime soon the way my tribe keeps winning everything. ALSO: i only said that i thought Calumma would lose because Shane was on that tribe and i just felt like he would go big or go home but that's an issue to address when our paths cross again. If our tribe ends up going to tribal sometime soon, i would hope it would be the obvious choice to vote Mikey seeing as how i know him the least but idk maybe thats wishful thinking i dont want it to come to that.

SAMMY

Mikey has my heart on this tribe....YUP I really just wanna keep all the fun ppl...im missing daisy:// umm I did not bid on a single thing and I kind of regret it but also??? At least I am safe from tribal...but damn I really should have bid huh? Anyways not much is going on...ready to start playing a more individual game tho hehe

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-WUq5wfYK3Xb1Y-KNZptfyagwvSff4cd

NICOLE

I cannot believe I risked being voted out only to NOT BE ABLE TO PLAY NEXT IMMUNITY!!!!!!! what a round, I'm so sad. But I hope I stay.

DAISY

from f15 https://youtu.be/-_meWPNctO0

PETE

it’s literally... dude.. why can’t i just float to a merge whyyYYYYYYYYyyYyYyyyYyYy does it AAAALWAYS have to be so COMPLICATED like this is it this is the time im mufuckin ouutttiiieeeeeee that challenge was clearly thrown so like ✌🏼 it was fuuuun i hope y’all liked me enough to bring me back for whatever the next chameleon returnees thingy is uwu

(after being attacked by bees)

i know i’m paranoid and every tribal i feel sick to my stomach but nobody has talked to me today, except ethan about how fucked we are, it’s half an hour before tribal and no one really seems like they want to work with me. i still haven’t heard a name

TRIBAL COUNCIL

PETE EXIT INTERVIEW

[jackals-horny-jail]

i also forgot about this, again it's not Horny but im like wh. where is this gonna go

under a cut for length, dog <> ghb having a cyber pile session

Dog: so update: i miss you >:c

Dog: remind me who's idea you wandering all the FUCK way off was?

Ghb: aww fuck best bud i miss you too

Ghb: BUT YOU UP AN KNOW I GOTTA DO HER IMPERIOUS'S BIDDING

Dog: bluhhhhhhhhhhh. bluh. bluh!!!!

Ghb: you gonna just spend all day bluhhin at me doll?

Dog: ….probably. maybe

Dog: anyway! hows your jobb goin?

Ghb: FUCKIN BORING HONESTLY. BUNCH OF FISH BITCHES TALKING ABOUT BULLSHIT I DONT RIGHTLY CARE ABOUT

Ghb: an guess. take a fucking guess who's here

Dog: OHHH let me guess hmmm. a certain drama queen fishy bastard?

Ghb: MOTHERFUCKIN. DUALSCAR. I SWEAR TO THE MESSIAHS I'M GONNA THROW HIM OUT THE AIRLOCK ONE OF THESE DAYS

Dog: no!!!! >:0 im the one that gets to murder him

Ghb: fine but i get to watch

Dog: pfft yeah okay deal babes, but you have to come back first >:/ i miss you??

Ghb: DONT YOU WORRY LIL BROTHER ILL BE BACK SOON. HOWVE YOU BEEN AT THE HIVE BY YOUR LONESOME? I KNOW SOMETIMES YOUR PAN UP AN RUNS AWAY FROM YA

Fg: aslfhsjo. listen,,,,,,

Ghb: im listenin :0) you know i always am <>

Dog: 1st off i hate you <>

Dog: 2nd off: i hate you! <><><>

Dog: 3rd off:

Ghb: HMMMM?

Dog: t h i r d off there's a v small tiniest of chances that a buoy has been struggling as it were

Dog: B O Y GOD DAMN IT THE BASTARD IS IN MY BRAIN

Ghb: awww best friend :0( you wanna glub about it?

Dog: FIRST OFF I LITERALLY HATE YOU

Dog: second again I'm. listen. i would not like,,,object to a feelings jam and or a pile abt it because my brain has been really dumb

Dog: BUT LIKE

Dog: I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY SO ITS FINE!!! no more typing im fine!!!!

Dog: you put those fingers down >:0 im f i n e

Ghb: HEY NOW BEST BUDDY, DEEP BREATH

Ghb: deeep breath for me most miraculous buddy of mine

Ghb: I CAN DUCK OUT OF HERE EARLY :0)

Ghb: her imperious condescension and her boytoy can just up and fucking deal

Ghb: JUST GIVE ME A FEW MINS ALRIGHTY BEST BUD?

Dog: akdhhsksl,,,,,,okay,,,,

-----

Ghb: honk honk honk :0)

Dog: ughh you're horrible i changed my mind go back,

Ghb: AWW YOU LOVE ME THOUGH ;0) <>

Dog: LIES AN SLANDER???

Dog: <><><><>

Ghb: so how you feelin lil bro? your pan still up an botherin you?

Dog: im! fine akdgk dw im okay my mini melt down was dumb bc i am jus a lil dumb,

Ghb: >:0( HEY NOW DONT YOU GO AN TALK ABOUT YOURSELF LIKE THAT

Ghb: youre not dumb, your pan just sometimes likes to scurry away without you an you know better than to say that nonsense about your fine self

Ghb: BEST BE UP AN GETTING YOUR APOLOGY ON

Dog: you come in my messaging,,,,you make me be nice to my me,,,,i hate you. but fine @ myself im sorry for being mean to my me Again

Ghb: thank you miraculous bro! that was a mighty fine apology :0) apology accepted?

Dog: akdhsk yes apology accepted an junk if it'll make you be quiet

Ghb: NOPE! :0)

Ghb: where you at best lil diamond mine? curled up on the pile?

Dog: there is a non zero chance i am yes,,,an i uh. added to it a lil

Ghb: OH?

Dog: i hate youuuuu

Dog: i uh. stole one a your jackets,,,,im cuddled up in it. i look like im in a pale porno GOD

Ghb: SHIT BROTHER THAT IS

Ghb: absolutely the cutest fuckin thing i've heard today :0)

Dog: shut!!!!

Dog: what uh. what about you?

Ghb: IM ALL LAYING ON A COMFY ASS PILE MYSELF, STOLE SOME EXTRA BLANKETS FROM SOME EMPTY ROOMS

Ghb: wish you were here though so i could warm a brother up ;0)

Dog: jfhjffk o..oh?

Dog: wh. how would you start?

Ghb: FIRST ID GET ALL COMFY NEXT TO YA, ALL CURLED UP AROUND YOUR TINY LIL SELF

Ghb: you're always so fuckin cold all the time, colder than the fish even

Dog: my body is simply a Bastard tbh. hfjk that sounds so nice tho,,,

Ghb: YEAH? WHY DONT YOU CUDDLE DOWN IN THE BLANKETS FOR ME, GET YOURSELF NICE AN TOASTY

Dog: mmmm,,,,,,yeah okay that's. that's good

Ghb: IT IS ISN'T IT? FEELS SO GOOD TO BE WARM

Ghb: you deserve to feel good lil bro, an id make you feel even better if i was there, rub your arms an get some of that good good heat in there, maybe even work out some of the knots in your shoulders, i know you keep a lot of tension there. it's like a couple a rocks in there

Dog: hhh y,,yeah i do huh?

Dog: id uh. id want to squirm around eventually so i can kiss at your jawline an neck. an maybe bite a lil? its. it's fun

Dog: not like ROUGH bites like i do with crofish but uh, lil nips. on, on your earfins too if that's okay

Ghb: ITS SO FUCKIN CUTE, YOU GOT THOSE LIL BABY FANGS IT FEELS LIKE A LIL PURR BEAST NIPPIN AT ME

Ghb: and it tickles something fierce when you get at my fins! id have to get you back in the ribs >:0)

Dog: jhdjfkf NO RUDE!! i changed my mind id bite you So Hard

Ghb: AWW YOURE SO MEAN TO ME WHEN IM TRYING TO TREAT YOU SWEET

Ghb: now a question for you: how do you want me to wind you down my most wonderful lil buddy?

Dog: maybe uh. fuck, damn

Ghb: SHH TAKE YOUR TIME SWEET THING YOU CAN DO IT

Dog: i uh. i like it when you pet me. an talk all sweet to me, but like that kinda mean sweet? s. smean,,,

Ghb: aww fuck i can certainly do that sweet thing :0)

Ghb: here im even gonna get all quiet for you, you like it when i talk soft with you huh? you get all blushy when i do with that miracle red on your cheeks

Ghb: why don't you touch yourself for me, real gentle. spread your hand out on your stomach an press down jus a lil bit

Ghb: i could break you right in half if i wanted on account of you being so little

Ghb: but i won't because im so pale for you sweetling

Dog: hhhhhfjgk shit

Ghb: aww look at you, that's my good boy

Ghb: you get flustered so easy, you never really let anyone treat you kind like you deserve huh?

Dog: noo,,,,it feels. weird hhf

Ghb: we'll were gonna have to change that aren't we? im just gonna have to treat you real soft til you learn it's safe

Ghb: fuck you're such a pitiable lil thing aren't you. why don't you trace your hand up your chest for me, just a lil bit of claw

Ghb: and then cup your cheek real soft

Dog: o. oh,,hm

Ghb: i wanna hold your face lil diamond, nuzzle up in your neck and tell you how precious you are to me

Ghb: just let yourself relax now okay? let me do the work for once <>

Ghb: you're such a pitiable lil doll, every time i look at you i feel like my blood pusher is about to stop. and you don't even know it? you don't even know what a sweetly pathetic lil thing you are? like a teeny lil purrbeast

Ghb: and you trust me so much, you shouldn't do that my lil diamond. you've seen the kind of things i can do. and yet i put my hand on your head and you melt like you ain't ever been touched gentle once in your whole life

Ghb: fuck i love to see that, i love you. im gonna keep telling you that til it gets in your pan proper

Ghb: i love you, i love you. im gonna take care of you always you hear me? you're always gonna be safe with me, im not gonna let a single damn person lay a hand on you without your permission

Ghb: you're probably starting to get a lil tired, i know you get all worked up and crash so fast. you gonna rest now lil diamond mine?

Dog: hhh y. yeah,,

Dog: m pale for you <>

Ghb: pale for you too lil lamb <> pale as bones and stardust :0)

Ghb: just a few more days and ill be home to pile with you proper

[dieingontheinside420]

List Of Reason Why *I* Need To Be Skinny just a list cause lists are fun and so I can look back on this for motivation. pls note that I don’t apply my sickly standards on anyone but myself, and that you are beautiful and I hope you can all love yourselves and be safe. - for the thigh gap - to become my own thinspo - to be picked up instead of the one picking people up - feeling weightless when I walk - for giant sweaters and skinny jeans, looking like I’m drowning in my sweater while my teeny legs poke out - to fold up tiny into a chair in front of the fireplace - to look delicate and fragile, so people will be afraid of breaking me at the touch - jawline!!! - collarbones - chest bones - ribs - hipbones - knees together thighs apart - to not be ashamed or afraid to have fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, tofu and veggies for dinner. sounds like paradise - also those beautiful fruit/vegan yogurt/granola bowls you see that are so gorgeous and yummy looking but I’m too fat to maintain weight right now - to actually look okay when others take photos of me - for the sweatpants and no shirt look - for the big shirt and no pants look - for the no clothes at all look - to trace my bones with delicate fingers as I lay comfortably in bed - to prove to myself that I can be in control - for perfect tiny wrists and fingers - so that my clothes now will fall off my body in a couple months - to buy new skinny jeans, and not in a large - for the cute dressing room photos! - to do drag in cute dresses and actually feel good in makeup instead of like a clown - for sexy lingerie - for leggings and boots, to show my teeny legs - confidently post shirtless photos ------------------------------------------------------ AFTER SCHOOL THINSPO *dont read if you get triggered easily* stay safe Right now you are probably hungry, bored, or just feel like eating. Before going into the kitchen or thinking about stuff you can eat, please read all of this. You have started looking at thinspo for years, that is years you have wished to be skinny. You can’t take back those years, but you can make the next years much better. You have had endless nights of crying and just wishing you were 40 pounds lighter. You go to sleep almost every night after looking at thousands of perfect bodies scattered around Tumblr. Now I want you to go to your mirror. Look at yourself. Take off your shirt and examine your stomach. Look at all the spots you want to change. Now say out loud food is not worth it. Take off your pants and look at your legs. Squeeze all the fat on your leg and shake all the fat on your calves. Do you like it? No. Now say out loud food does not control me. Look at your arms, ugh, your fat arms, and ask yourself is the flavor of that food I’m craving really better than thin arms. Shake all the fat around then say I don’t need food. Pinch all the fat you have on your body. Look at all that disgusting fat. You don’t even deserve food. Make a small list about 5 things better than food. Better yet, go on shopping website and pick out clothes you will wear when you are skinny. Now you might still be hungry. Get a drink of water, put two ice cubes in it and drink the whole thing, yum. Still hungry? Fill up another cup. Do some sit ups, push ups, and squats. Now take a shower, put on a face mask, do your nails, watch a YouTube video. Do anything other than eat. Now that you got yourself away from food, go on tumblr, look at the beautiful bodies you will have in no time. Just imagine all the photos you will take. All the clothes you will wear. All the confidence you will have. Drink a cup of water Stay in your room now, you don’t need food. Bring some water or tea. Wrap yourself up in cozy blankets and watch some shows. Now go to bed Remember, you will be thinner in the morning ------------------------------------------------------ perfect girl rules 1- never go over 500 calories a day. if you do, fast the next. 2- excerise a minimum of 30 minutes a day. 3- if you do go over calories, NEVER go over 1,000. that’d be more then two days worth of food. 4- hair and makeup must be done perfectly and with care. how are you supposed to be perfect if you look trashy? 5- outfits must always be clean and fresh, no wrinkles, stains, etc. don’t wear the same outfit more than once per week. 6- be on time. 7- your bedroom/(house if you have your own) must be cleaned perfectly. messy rooms belong to slobs. 8- study for at least 45 minutes a day. smart is sexy, and it’ll pay off when you can get better grades and even tutor people for extra money since you know the material so well. 9- don’t ever be lazy with haircare or skincare. you want to glow, don’t you? 10- shave every two to three days, depending on how often your hair grows back. 11- bathe yourself daily. it’s better if it’s cold to burn calories, and if it’s cold it’s better for your hair. 12- don’t put stuff off. 13- no sweets unless it’s an important holiday or birthday. even then, restrict yourself. 14- write down everything you do. 15- you can replace meals with cigarettes or gum. 16- coffee, smokes, and diet cokes are what pretty girls are made of. 17- grades must be at A’s. 18- you have to have a job. you have to. 19- don’t look frazzled, or rushed. you shouldn’t anyways if you follow rule number #6 and be on time. 20- keep your stuff clean. devices, cars, etc. 21- 8 hours of sleep per night. helps you lose weight, feel regenerated, and focus. 22- wake up before the world. 5am, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. 23- don’t complain. 24- be grateful. 25- smile a lot. also, take care of your smile. brush your teeth and if you feel their yellow use whitening strips/ toothpaste. 26- carry a waterbottle. 27- tell your family you love them. 28- don’t burden anyone. 29- hunger is your best friend. 30- no drinks over 90 cal more than three times a week. (( a quick way out of that is to get it diet. literally 0 calories man)) 31- return calls, messages, dms, texts, emails from friends, family, teachers, etc. promptly. 32- drink water 24/7 33- don’t tell anyone about your eating habits except for your ana buddies. 34- don’t cry in front of people. 35- be a mystery. 36- sweats are not an outfit. don’t wear it like it is. 37- wear jeans or leggings three times a week. anything else is dresses and skirts. 38- treat your valuable items preciously, (phones, cars, memory-holders such as a gift or stuffed animal) 39- swearing is trashy. not at all or at a minimum. make it a rarity for people to hear you swear. 40- remember your safe foods. 41- have goals. 42- achieve them. 43- treat teachers nicely. perfect people are likable. 44- read books. choose a series or a few good books. you’ll feel more accomplished. 45- go out with friends and enjoy the things your town has to offer. go dancing and flirt with boys, but remember the rules. 46- update your blog. put in effort. 47- keep your life organized. keep everything organized. 48- lotion!!!!! you don’t want to feel dry do you? why not smooth, like silk. 49- keep it together. 50- even if you don’t have it together, act it. no one will no the difference. feel free to add on to the list. Cw: 130

[flauntpage]

Your Monday Morning Roundup

It’s GAMEDAY! For the second time in as many weeks, the Birds did not play on Sunday, going primetime. Tonight in Philly, the ONLY team in the NFL with just one loss, hosts the Washington Redskins at the Linc. An 8:15 p.m. kick-off is set on ESPN.

Our CB staff predictions, which you can always take to the bank (unclear if they’ll have funds available) will be coming out later today.

The rest of the NFC East was split in Sunday’s action as the Cowboys crushed the winless-49ers and the Giants fell to the Seahawks.

The Eagles are 5 point favorites and the Redskins will be without Josh Norman, who is out. A win for the Eagles would sweep the season series against Washington and firmly put the NFC East in the Philly’s grasp.

Be sure to keep it locked to CB tonight for the live game thread and on Tuesday for the best day after Eagles coverage anywhere.

You may want to enjoy the game and our content with a cheesesteak, ESPN tried to make one:

A Monday Night rivalry game in Philly deserves a good Philly cheesesteak. http://pic.twitter.com/PdugHRdWKc

— ESPN (@espn) October 21, 2017

Now, to what else happened in a football packed weekend.

But first, a word from our sponsors:

Legal. Check out Krasno, Krasno and Onwudinjo when you need a workers’ compensation or social security attorney.

Process. You know what to do. Shop now.

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  The Roundup:

Around the rest of the NFL, it was a rough day for quarterbacks. Carson Palmer suffered a broken arm, and Jay Cutler has a cracked rib. On the offensive line, Joe Thomas missed an offensive snap for Cleveland, the first time that has happened since 2006. He missed the remainder of Sunday’s loss after playing 10,363 consecutive snaps.

—

In MLB, the Fall Classic is set. It is Chase Utley and the Los Angeles Dodgers vs. the Houston Astros, both of whom will be shaking off the SI cover curse:

Jinx vs. Jinx http://pic.twitter.com/ejEvnEyzrJ

— Don Van Natta Jr. (@DVNJr) October 22, 2017

Game 1 is at Dodger Stadium on Tuesday night at 8:09 p.m. on FOX.

—

The Sixers play tonight as well when they visit the Detroit Pistons at 7 p.m. Philly is still searching for its first win this season.

They fell to 0-3 after a big loss to Toronto over the weekend, our Kevin Kinkead compiled five takeaways from the setback. Here’s a snippet:

Fultz had six points on 1-5 shooting and went 4-8 from the free throw line.

Is it time to start worrying? If not now, when?

These are rhetorical questions for you, the fan. I really don’t know. I’m not gonna give you a hot take right now. Actually, the hot take might not be giving any take at all. The reservation of judgment feels so contrarian in 2017.

Again, with the shoulder, if he’s not healthy, just sit him and get that taken care of because he continues to hurt himself mechanically and mentally in overcompensation.

—

The Flyers return to action on Tuesday night when they host the Anaheim Ducks at the Wells Fargo Center at 7 p.m. They are 5-3-0 after a 2-1 victory over the Oilers over the weekend. Our Anthony SanFilippo jotted down seven takeaways from the win, including this one:

There was a time when playing the Flyers amounted to the opposition creating a game plan that required good defense against the top line, not getting caught taking too many penalties, and simply being opportunistic when the other lines were on the ice.

It was pretty standard for, oh, I don’t know, about 40 years.

But, something has changed with the organization. GM Ron Hextall’s plan has plodded along slowly, but it’s definitely starting to bear fruit.

The Flyers can skate. The Flyers have depth. The Flyers are no longer a one-trick pony.

And it may have caught the league a little by surprise to start this season. They will roll four lines at you consistently. They will skate with you. And, they have talent throughout the lineup that can score.

Putting up 26 goals through the first six games (really in five, since they were shutout in one of them) was evidence that the Flyers have some firepower on the roster.

And it’s not like the Flyers were doing this against doormat teams. San Jose was the Western Conference Champion two seasons ago. Nashville was the Western Conference champion last year. Anaheim was in the Western Conference Finals and Washington had the best record in the league last season.

That’s all impressive.

But what happened the past two games? Only two goals scored. Only two goals allowed. Only 100 shots total by all teams involved in two games, an average of 25 each and nine off the pace of those first six games for the Flyers.

Teams have decided they need to find ways to slow the Flyers down.

I decided to press this issue with a couple Flyers after the game.

“As the year goes along, teams get better defensively and things tighten up,” Wayne Simmonds told me. “It is what it is and you have to learn how to deal with it.”

And deal with it they are.

—

The Phillies are still interviewing candidates for the managerial opening:

The #Phillies have interviewed Phil Nevin, Chip Hale, Gary DiSarcina, Dustin Wathan, Jorge Valendia and Juan Samuel for managerial opening.

— Bob Nightengale (@BNightengale) October 21, 2017

—

It was an exciting Saturday in college football as well as #2 Penn State beat up #19 Michigan 42-13 and #13 Notre Dame upset #11 USC. Saquon Barkley had 161 all-purpose yards and three total touchdowns in the win. Our Kevin Kinkead talk about his Heisman status late last week.

With those results, Penn State stays at #2 in this week’s AP Top 25, but Notre Dame moves up to #9. Michigan falls out of the rankings.

This Saturday the Nittany Lions face the #6 Buckeyes of Ohio Sate, in Columbus, and are not getting a lot of respect as Ohio State is seven point favorites over PSU.

Overall, it should be an exciting day of College Football once again this Saturday:

This weeks ranked vs ranked games #2 Penn St at #6 Ohio St #4 TCU at #25 Iowa St #14 NCSt at #9 Notre Dame #11 Okla St at #22 West Virgnina

— Phil Steele (@philsteele042) October 22, 2017

—

Sixers fans baited $25k out of Kyrie Irving:

The NBA announces a $25,000 fine for Boston's Kyrie Irving … http://pic.twitter.com/6RIINnR0Di

— Marc Stein (@TheSteinLine) October 22, 2017

—

The latest Crossing BroadCast dropped this morning and focuses on the Sixers.

—

The Bills won, so the fans took it to the next level:

Figured the Mafia would have something fun planned because of the great weather, didn't expect fire http://pic.twitter.com/0doGHJbLnR

— Busted Coverage (@bustedcoverage) October 22, 2017

  —

Just like the Sixers, the Suns are off to an 0-3 start. The team just fired its head coach Earl Watson and Eric Bledsoe wishes there was room in Watson’s suitcase for him:

I Dont wanna be here

— Eric Bledsoe (@EBled2) October 22, 2017

  —

And lastly, Tim Tebow’s speech on ESPN over the weekend meant for Tennessee will get you ready to have the most productive week ever:

It wasn't even 9am and @TimTebow had us ready to run through a brick wall. http://pic.twitter.com/UrwRpGGW0E

— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) October 21, 2017

Your Monday Morning Roundup published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[attached-detachment]

dysphoria and dysmorphia and volatile emotions and just feeling uncomfortably detached NSFW NSFLife i hate seeing my face reflected in the mirror most of the time, the way the shadows hit my jagged bumpy bones, forehead needs to be sanded down, my slight butt chin disgusts me.  i hate the way my face is crooked, the teeth are straight thanks to braces but the entire row and jaw is off of horizontal and that causes my jaw to hurt from time to time.  i hate my broad shoulders and my mannish veiny hands, i dont want veiny mannish hands. i dont want broad shoulders, with lage deltoids and a short neck.  my hair was beautiful and i cut too many inches off.  my chest is tiny, and looks even smaller compared to my barrel ribcage.  my entire torso is short, and at odds with my long legs, which i like, except that they end in huge splayed feet, feet that are one size bigger than most shoe companies sell.  just my luck. and my shirt sizes were once medium, and now they are forever large and extra large. and i still keep wanting to buy medium, i dont feel comfortable in my body the way it is, as tall as i sadly am.  i want to shave but i hate the feeling of prickly legs. i suppose i could get waxed or laser but im too lazy, and too afraid to get a job.  i just feel disgusting and uncomfortable, disgustingly uncomfortable too.  my feet get caught in pants because they’re too large, even flared pants. they look awful under a blanket and get caught there too.   NSFW i get this stupid urge to masturbate, and i hate it. i want feminine parts so i can enjoy it, but no, the male drive overrides me. and i know how ill feel afterwards.  but that moment of release is nice, even if it doesn’t last.  i overanalyze and forget that i can enjoy things. i think ill go play pokemon, ruby/sapphire, do the pokemon contests, those were always fun. im sure ill find a way to suck the fun out of it though, cant find how to experience it as innocently as i used to.  i feel like all my identity is is a collection of copying others. i hate how fractured i am.  i feel trapped in this house and in this body and by money and fear.  i hate how i can go from total insecurity total conceitedness in 0 seconds flat.  i feel ugly, i feel beautiful. i hate how vain i am, how i am attracted to physical beauty when looking for relationships.  how unstable i am, and how its all ive ever known.  I suppose that’s where the hope is, in venturing into the unknown and hopefully finding a way to be how ive never yet been.  i hate how i feel dumb, how i lose awareness of my body when im typing and reading, and catch myself making weird postures and faces adn feeling really dumb for it.   more NSFL i hate how i am flat, how my bottom ribs are larger than my boobs. i hate how i feel awkward and immature saying boobs. i hate how i was raised by men. i hate how i wanted to go to the girls lockerroom and socialize with girls, to escape the men, but knowing the girls would probly see me as weird too.  i hate how i missed out on all the school female experiences and will never ever get those back.  i hate how i didn’t save myself.  i hate donald trump’s decisions. i hate my internalized transphobia. i hate how i side with the haters automatically.  i hate how i get corrupted on the thought of control.  i hate how i dont realize when im being controlling and greedy and childishly demanding and awful to my parents but they never admit when they are awful to me so i feel sort of justified.  sometimes i just really really hate me. buuut im still going to try to change.