#dont mind me logging in every 2 months to post 3 things lol

[iwantanywayyy]

dad and i are sitting on the couch together watching tv. it's Friday night so neither of us should be worried about getting up early tomorrow. i honestly always feel on edge when i have to stay at dad's for the weekends. he watches me do things i know dads shouldnt but he says it's because he loves me and wants to make sure im healthy and safe.

as we're watching the movie he keeps hinting i should go to bed because it's late. every time he talks he presses his toes up against me...i shudder every time and cant help clinging onto the side of the couch. i swear sometimes i see him smirk. he seems annoyed every time i tell him i want to stay up and shakes his foot against my pajama shorts before slightly relieving pressure.

after the fourth time hinting he got up and started muttering to himself as he walked to the kitchen.

i quickly shoved my hands under my panties and checked and oh gosh im so wet why am i wet?! im scared because i know dad does bad things but i can never remember anything i feel crazy and if im wet does that mean i like it? does he know i like it? i hear his footsteps coming back and i quickly squirm back into the position i was in before he left trying to make my face cool down.

he has a cup of water in each hand and i smile in appreciation as he gives me one. taking a few sips i go to put it down but dad tells me to keep drinking because it will make me go to bed quicker. he says he's tired and will do the same but he cant sleep until i do so he counts us down and we both finish our waters before he puts his arm around me and lets me cuddle against him. honestly it made me kind of uncomfortable but dad is so big and he was so warm and made me feel safe at the same time.

as the movie goes on i feel my eyes starting to get hazy. i didnt think the water trick was gonna work that quickly (i didnt think it would work at all honestly but dad's old and maybe it works for him) i mutter out to him im sleepy and try to stand up to bring myself to my bedroom but in my efforts dad firmly grabs my thigh and plops me back down next to him. i dont know why but this made me giggly  so i tried standing up again just so he'd do it and i stumbled back on the couch letting myself fall all the way back.

my eyes were closed for i dont know how long and i felt so sleepy but dad woke me up when i felt his teeth biting into my neck making my eyes flutter open and i couldnt help but cry out i didnt know what was happening i looked down and my tits were pulled out of my top and dad has two fingers trying to shove their way into my little pussy as i squirm against him starting to cry pleading with him over and over to stop but he just hushes me and grabs my neck pulling me up with one hand and pushing me flat against the couch as he strips my pajama shorts off my flailing legs as he tried to force them apart but i fight against him which i shouldn't have because he took his second hand and brought it up to my neck choking me so hard i thought i was going to die!

when he let go i gasped for air and laid there as he easily picked up my legs and placed himself between them. i started crying when i looked down and saw his face pressed against my pussy and felt his tongue drilling my little hole.

"mmmmm little girl stop crying this little pussy is so wet for your daddy isnt it? ive tasted this cute little cunt before you know that sweetheart?"

he shoved a finger inside me making me cry out and beg him to stop i couldnt think at all i felt so weak what was he doing and why didnt i want him to actually stop?!

"you've got no fight left babygirl? you want daddy to breed that tight little teen pussy?"

i laid on the couch exposed and dripping, crying, feeling defeated as my dad pushed my thighs against my chest and lined his big cock against his daughters pussy that he just ran his tongue all over like an animal not caring what im feeling just taking what he wants.

"I'm a filthy fucking man baby im gonna rape my seed into your little teen cunt do you know what that means sweetie?"

i stopped writing there dangit i wanted to know what happened next :/

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[delamd-blog]

The Ultimate Guide to Adulting in the Philippines (My First Job Application)

Hello, this is the blog that no one asked for but I’m gonna write about it anyways lol So, months after graduating the board exam and applying for med schools, I was stuck at home with nothing to do. I couldn’t apply to the hospitals in my area because the training was for 6 months and if I got hired, I would have to sign a contract saying I would work for the hospital for 2 years. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Joke onli but I just couldn’t commit to such a long contract because I would be going to med school some time around August. So... what a great dilemma, right? After weeks of binge watching Netflix series and playing a bunch of games, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I kid you not, I could feel my brain rotting away. I was so goddamn bored out of my mind that I decided to look for jobs. 

Step 1: Writing a Resume and Realizing that You Have Nothing To Offer

I of course had to create a resume. It’s a good thing that when I was in college, the creator of jobs180.com had a talk in our college.He’s a really funny guy. So funny and convincing that he managed to convince me to sign up for his site lol Surprisingly thought it’s actually a good website because it create a professional looking resume and you get an online profile too. You can print your online resume into one page which contains your picture, description, educational attainment, licenses and certifications, seminars attended, skills, languages and character referrals. Literally all you need to do here is input your info and the site will arrange it into a professional looking resume so it removes so much hassle from your life. Plus, it functions like jobstreet wherein you get alerts for jobs that match your credentials. Just frequently check your email for alerts. I highly recommend this website. I wasn’t paid to say this btw but jobs180, if you’re reading this, hmu pls haha sponsor me daddies. 

If you really wanna make your life difficult though, go ahead and make your own resume following the traditional standards set by your school or university and there are a lot of samples available in the internet which you could use as a guide.

Step 2: Realizing That Running Papers is Hard but the Government Requires It

So you’ve gone ahead and made a sick looking resume. You MUST think it’s time to look for a job and apply right? WRONG. Don’t do it yet, sis. Don’t be a pleb like me. Jobs will require you to have a bunch of things like NBI clearance, work permits, Philhealth, PAG-IBIG, SSS, TIN and credentials from your school like a diploma or transcript of records. So before you proceed with looking for a job and applying, I suggest you secure these documents first! Otherwise, after you get accepted at your job, you will be forced to cram all these requirements and you will be tired as fuck just like me! I was so dumb thinking I could get away with working and not having these things. I’m lucky that the company I applied for is very friendly to first timers and they were kind enough to give us a list of requirements for these things.

2.1 Get Yourself a Valid ID

Where to start? Well, sis, you need a valid government ID to get all these things done. How do you get that in the Philippines when the system requires you to have a government ID to claim another government ID?!!? Who the fuck designed this labyrinth of a life right? Fear not! I have a lifehack for you. Just go to your barangay and get a barangay clearance or go to your City Hall (even better if you go during the weekdays so there’s not a lot of people) and get a Cedula. These things don’t require a valid ID you just need to pay. These will serve as your valid IDs. But I really suggest that you get a Cedula because you will need this for other requirements. If you’re 18, you can get a driver’s license in LTO too. Plus, you can order a PSA birth certificate online and have it delivered to your house. Order more than one and immediately have it photocopied. You’re gonna need a lot of those. Always photocopy whatever IDs and important papers that you have. Keep 1 photocopy together with the original in a plastic envelope or plastic filing folder. It must be PLASTIC. Why? So that it’s waterproof. This is something that I learned the hard way. Again, sis, learn from my mistakes. Also, I suggest that you secure at least 2 valid IDs. Why? Because they need one valid ID to confirm the details of the other valid ID. I KNOW. STUPID RIGHT but yeah it needs to be done.

2.2 Next Valid ID: NBI Clearance

The good thing about this is it’s much easier to get this compared to back in the ol’ days. But you need to get this done before you get an actual job just in case you have the same name with a criminal in the Philippines. If you have the same name with a criminal, you will get a ‘HIT’ which will mean that your NBI clearance will get delayed. I was lucky that my name is so unique so I didn’t get a hit and I was able to process my NBI clearance in one day lol. To do this, just go to their website and register online. You have to set an appointment in their website. I suggest you do it in the morning so you can process other things in the afternoon that you might need. You must bring a valid ID as well as a birth certificate. You can pay them online through ebanking services but in my case my mom made me physically go to the bank. Remember to screenshot your reference number, their BDO account number and other details so you won’t get delayed at the bank. You don’t need to print your NBI registration form, but you need to screenshot your Reference number. Idk how it’s done in your NBI site but in my experience, I had to first have my bank deposit receipt authenticated then they gave me a queuing number. When my number got called, I did the biometrics then I presented my PRC ID and my birth certificate. They asked for my reference number so I showed the screenshot on my phone. Then I just waited near the releasing area to be called. Viola! I got my NBI clearance. 

Important Tip: Don’t be a poo poo head. If you’re unsure of where to line up or what the next step is, ASK someone. Even the stranger next to you. I learned that Filipinos are actually polite and helpful if you’re going through the same shit. Kahit introvert ako, nagtanong tanong na ako sa mga katabi ko kasi naiinis ako mag-aksaya ng oras not knowing where to go. Plus, the quicker you get shit done, the sooner you can go home and rest, di ba? Motivation.

2.2. Philhealth, SSS, PAG-IBIG With Minimum Hassle? ask me how 

Don’t be intimidated. These things can be done online! You just have to be very patient and fill out their online forms as soon as possible and as accurately as you can. I suggest you do Philhealth first coz (god forbid) what if you get sick and hospitalized from all the anxiety of job searching? Ya need Philhealth to cover for your sick ass. Don’t forget to print your MDR form just in case your employer asks for it. The website is kind of wonky. Once I logged out, I couldn’t log back in and recover my MDR so I had to manually fill it out haist. You can for this this through the bank too and then when you get the confirmation from Philhealth that they got your payment, bring the receipt to the nearest branch and get your ID! The whole process takes about 3 days. While it’s pending, apply for SSS and PAG-IBIG too. You have to do PAG-IBIG as soon as you can coz they process kind of slow. It takes approximately 3-4 days for you to get your PAG-IBIG number but at least you can text them to get an update about your application. When you apply for SSS online, they email you some forms. So print these forms ASAP and have them photocopied too. Once you have done this, congrats! You’re almost done!

Step 3: Looking For An Actual Job Without Experience and Realizing that All Jobs Need Experience

Wow, after going through all that trouble you now realize that there are no jobs out there for your field? All the salaries they offer are so low? Why the hell does everything require 2 years of experience?! And why are all the jobs so far away??? Sis, I feel you! I was so stressed out looking for a job online too! I really did not know where to start. So here’s what I did. I signed up for all the common job hunting websites coz my logic was, surely, these companies wouldn’t post ads in these websites if they weren’t actually actively looking. Right? Well, again.. I was WRONG. Some companies take so long to reply so you have to be very patient. Really, really patient. Don’t be sad if a company doesn’t reply immediately just think that maybe their HR is swamped or something. So for me, I signed up for Jobstreet, Glassdoor, Upwork, LinkedIn and Fastjobs. The good thing is that these things can be downloaded on your phone and you can turn on notifications for them so they will alert you for possible job opportunities. But for me, Indeed.com is where I found my job. This isn’t a sponsored post but hello websites, if you’re reading this, sponsor me daddies. Just narrow your search by entering your desired job and current location in the search bar and then apply to anything and everything. Dont be afraid of rejection! What’s the worst that can happen? NOTHING. And the best case scenario? That you get an interview or the employer replies! Every negative thing is just water off the duck’s back. Go lang ng go sis! Di lalapit sa you ang trabaho.

Step 4: Going to your first job application and Interview!

Let’s just assume that you got an interview or a call. (Keep your phone close by at all times and answer calls from unknown numbers politely because chances are, it’s one of the jobs you applied for calling) Dress for success if you’re gonna go for an interview. I dressed up in a corporate attire even if it wasn’t require coz I was trained by my Uni to do it that way eh. Besides, you will feel more formal and more serious if you’re dressed for the job talaga. For the interview, speak slowly and clearly. If you’re not confident, well, FAKE your confidence. SMILE and don’t be afraid to ask your employer questions. For the job i was applying for, we even had an online test which took HOURS. Lol. They were testing our english, active listening and typing skills. It’s a real good thing that I am a fast typer coz I scored the highest in their typing test. They require only 25wpm but I can type around 60 wahahahaha. 

Tip: I suggest you go sit beside someone who you know is already done with the interview and ask him/her how it went. Then you can prepare your answers ahead of time. They usually ask the same set of questions coz who the hell has time to come up with personalized questions for every applicant. Sis, ako talaga introvert ako eh pero wala chinika ko pa rin yung mga katabi ko. hahaha ano namang masama sa pagtatanong? Eh pare-pareho naman kayo ng pinagdadaanan, right?

Step 5: Submitting All Their Requirements and Contract Signing

Well, you’did it, sis! You’ve gone and landed yourself a job! Time to get moolah! But wait, there’s more....hold your horses for one minute. Your employer is probably gonna require a few things still so be prepared. 

Make sure that during this time, you are healthy and fit coz they’re probably gonna make you undergo a physical exam. For my job, the company shouldered my PE so haha I paid nothing. I had to get examined by a doctor wherein she did the routine things like a breast exam and reviewing my medical history with me. Also, I had to get an Xray, CBC, Urinalysis and Drug testing done so make sure that you drink lots of water before going to the hospital so you can pee easier. And for urinalysis don’t catch the first drops of urine, rather, catch the midstream so that the sample is cleaner and you won’t be positive for pus cells or bacteria. And don’t do the urinalysis if you have your menstruation because you will automatically be positive for RBCs and that’s a big no no. Wait for your menstruation to be over before you do this test. 

Next, you’re probably gonna have to get a work permit coz in the city where your job is located. And how do you get this??? Well, just go to the city hall, pay for the work permit at the treasury department and then get your work permit at the work permit station (just ask the guard where this is located). Don’t forget to bring your cedula coz this is what they require to get a work permit. 

After completing all this shit, you can submit your requirements to your employer and sign the contract! Just make sure to read it carefully. Viola! Job well done to all of us!

Now the hard part starts... training and actually going to work.