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itwasnobodysbuiness · 5 years ago

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Yesterday a rapist died

I found out last night that a rapist was killed. He was not murdered but died in a motorcycle accident. I was 19 at the time I encountered this individual. I was in my first year of college living on campus about 45 min away from my hometown. This meant I had way too much access to my old friends and life and often tried to merge my old world into my new; which never seemed to go over well. One of these nights I got the grand idea to throw a little hotel party for my new friends from school and old ones from back home. It was a night I was very excited for; having both of my worlds collide and let loose a little. No one had space for the get together that weekend so we decided to rent a room. I was working and making ok money for a college kid; I had always worked a lot as a teenager being the kid of a single parent. I had the funds to front the cost of a small party but being only 19 at the time I was not old enough to sign for the room or purchase alcohol. I reached out to one of my old friends and current boyfriend from back home and they dropped the name of a local guy; let’s call him Tom from around town a few years older. If I invite him and he can bring a friend he’d be glad to purchase the room and liquor in his own name for a small cut and free booze. I didn’t think twice about this as this was kind of the norm for teens trying to party when they are not quite old enough to party. The Party was going well and everyone seemed to be having a great time getting a little too loaded and letting off some steam. My boyfriend at the time was working early the next morning and only stayed a short while. He knew I was with people who all cared about me so leaving me there was nothing for him to have concern for. My boyfriend at the time was very caring and always good to me. Unfortunately at this time in our relationship I was also seeing my ex high school boyfriend. This ex had broken my heart and in my young mind messing with his feelings somehow made me feel like I'd gained some of the power I’d lost when he crushed my heart. A very unhealthy and unfair healing process to all involved. I digress.

It was late in the evening and my college friends left first. Others trickled out and the only few left in the room were myself and my friend who’d struck out that night and … Tom who’d purchased the alcohol for me along with a friend of his unknown to me. I’d made several remarks about how it was ‘time to go’ and ‘call it a night’....how I ‘ had to get to sleep’ , but Tom and his friend didn’t seem to want to leave. He made remarks about the room being technically in his name, and that he would leave soon. My friend with me had passed out cold in one of the double beds and I'd planned to sleep on the other bed. I had definitely had too much to drink and became sick. I now know this was why Tom and his friend decided to hang back when the party had ended. I had completely blacked out for some time. I came to on the floor of the hotel bathroom with the room spinning. This is a situation plenty of kids in college experience. I was feeling grateful for the cold floor on my hot skin. I remember feeling someone holding me tenderly and I felt comforted. The hair was being brushed out of my face and this person pulled me into their chest and cradled me. I felt comforted, not afraid for this brief moment. It took a moment for me to realize my boyfriend was not with me and had gone home hours before. This person I had awoken to was Tom. I do not remember much of this night but I remember Tom’s voice in my ear. I remember the feeling of his chest warm and firm against my back. I remember his hands on my body, all over my body. I remember his mouth on my neck, and the whispers…..Tom liked to talk even if I couldn’t talk back. Like watching a movie if yourself it all moves in slow motion. I remember feeling fear, panic, and then an eerily calm feeling that I had to be strong. I had to find the strength to say or do something to get Tom to leave.

I have zero memory of the following events. My friends from home met at the home of another local guy close to our age to cap off their night. The girlfriend of this guy inquired about Tom and asked if he'd left with the rest of them. When she’d found out I was basically alone in the room with Tom she encouraged my friends to return to the hotel as she’d heard Tom was found alone in the room of a young girl passed out at another party just weeks before. Someone woke my boyfriend at the time and this girlfriend led the charge of people who would attempt to come to my rescue. The group later told me when they returned to the hotel, both my vehicle and Tom’s were still outside of the room. They said they banged on the door and yelled my name and asked Tom to open the door. When they received no response they attempted to contact hotel management to open the door but they refused and asked the group to leave.

I have no memory of my attempted rescue. I remember it being hard to speak but using every ounce of my ability to stay lucid to remind Tom that it would be bad for him to hurt me. That my friends and boyfriend would come for me, and that he would regret touching me. Tom's low whisper was angry and cold. I remember him whispering how ‘ MY boyfriend had left me there alone’ how I was ‘ ungrateful’ and ‘asking for it all night’ . ‘ No one would believe me’ and ‘think I'd actually slept with my friend who was passed out in the other bed’. I remember wanting to call out for help but being worried Tom may hurt my friend; afterall there were two of Tom.

I don't remember what spooked Tom but I remember hearing the door open and close and him pacing back and forth outside the bathroom and all of a sudden being out of sight. I remember breathing deep and walking to the second bed while my friend was still out cold in the first one unaware of what had transpired as well. The rest is black; a dead space in time that I lost. When I woke I was in the bed with my friend and my pants were undone. I knew I didn't belong there.

I got out of the bed and went to the bathroom to clean up and remember feeling better than I deserved to after drinking so much. My phone had been powered off some time the night before and when I powered it on there were a ton of messages from my friends. I knew my Ex would be arriving soon to pick up our friend and would make a pass at me. I knew this was coming. I knew something was not right. I decided to pretend I was invincible….to fake it till I made it. I was strong, and I was going to pretend the previous night never happened. Afterall I didn't really know what happened. It wasn't until my ex arrived and had his hands on me that I knew; I knew my body didn't feel incontrol. I knew my body felt dirty and unsafe. I told him I did not feel well and pulled away. I never explained the night before to him. I felt like this was punishment for how poorly I'd treated my boyfriend who was never anything but magically sweet to me. Though the following hours to come would test this.

I began returning calls and headed to the home of the girlfriend who started my search party with my best friend at the time. My boyfriend was not returning my calls at this time and I was trying to put the pieces of the night together. The girlfriend immediately knew something was not right and informed me of their rescue mission the precious night. I found out the hotel had threatened to call the police after they beat on the door of the room a second time. I found out when they returned later Tom’s car was gone, and heard the story of the victim before me. I said I only remember bits and pieces but they just did not fit together.

My boyfriend finally returned my call. He asked me if I’d slept with Tom, and said he didn't understand why I wouldn't have answered the door for him or my friends. I tried to explain what I did know; and what I didn't know. I wasn’t sure if anyone other than the girlfriend actually believed me. I felt so alone, and so ashamed. The events that transpired after are not important. This situation set in motion a spiral of trouble for several of those I love as well as myself. I have friends for life because of this moment, but I learned I had to forgive myself for this moment in time as well. I thought I had. I felt over the hotel and Tom after all that transpired. It was not a trigger to talk about it in later years if ever the ‘ me too’ stories came up. It was not until I saw a social media post with Tom’s face that I realized this even is a part of my past; a part of what shapes me as a person. ‘R.I.P. Tom’ was the title of the post. Tom passed away after living to become a middle aged adult man. Tom had moved away and was never brought up after all of the events following the hotel unraveled. I still remember being helpless on the floor of that hotel room. I remember trying to talk Tom down while he mocked me. I remember Tom. It does not matter if everyone believed me. What matters is that I didn't keep your secrets. I was cared about. I was not perfect but I did not deserve that. No one does. ‘R.I.P. Tom’; looks like you will be missed. I know I am not the only one who felt like a helpless girl; even as a grown woman all over again that day Tom passed. I don't wish anything for Tom; I don't wish peace or forgiveness… I wish nothing for Tom. I wish peace for those who hurt because someone else feels entitled to their bodies. I wish peace for those who struggle to forgive themselves because none of us are perfect. That's what I wish.

#metoo #dontkeepsecrets

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