#dropped out of uni and my family will kill me and im so lonely and ive been suicidal again and i cant even cry about it so i cant like let

[shinigami-sensei]

.

[hazinhoodies]

October part 4

A/N: i had this ready for so long and decided to rewrite it last night and i didn’t proofread to the best of my abilities so im sorry. all parts are tagged under october fic

Warnings: none

Word count: 2k (the longest chapter so far at least)

Emma and Hannah talked for the rest of the night about anything they could. When no one spoke, they sat in a comfortable silence until it was broken with one of them sarcastically threatening the other or speaking with no provocation.

“Cough one more time and I’ll throw you in the lake” -Emma 9:34

“What do you think our pets name us?” -Hannah 9:57

“Thanks, I hate it” -Emma 10:22

“How confused do you think a lion would be if it saw an octopus?” -Hannah 10:49

“Frankenstein is oddly symmetrical” -Also Hannah 

After the last one Emma finally looked up. “You know, it’s times like these when I wonder how we ever became friends’

“We were both lonely so we decided to be lonely together”

“Ah right, the greatest mistake of my life” Emma recalled. Hannah’s jaw dropped in shock

“Emma!”

“Okay okay i’m sorry” Emma couldn’t hold back her laughter “I should probably go, it’s getting late here” She glanced at the clock 11:52pm.

“Oh sure break my heart and run away why don’t you” Hannah spoke flatly before they said their goodbyes and hung up.

Emma hadn’t noticed how dark her room had actually become until Hannah had hung up. Her laptop providing the only light in the room. She quickly changed and got into bed, pulling the duvet up over her shoulders. She started to ponder the events of the day, almost definitely overthinking everything. How could you have already made him hate you.

Harrison lied awake in his bed, he’d been struggling to sleep for a while. The photo still etched into his brain. Did something happen? Was it just for a project?  He’d never craved answers so much. If he could actually talk to her without making a fool of himself then maybe he’d get them. After about another hour and a glass of water, sleep finally took over.

A few days had passed and went pretty well. Emma had already figured out how to get around set, at least to the important parts; Her trailer, Toms trailer, Z’s, Jacob’s. The important ones. Her first interview of the day was Tony, she had to wait an hour or so for Z and Jacob to finish their next scene so she stayed in Tony’s trailer and talked with him.

They asked each other an abundance of questions. By the end of it Tony could have probably written her biography. Emma could have answered any questions you had about him. Favourite food? Favourite colour? She knows it.

“You and Tony got real close huh?” Z asked after her interview.

Emma shrugged “I guess so. I mean, he’s really nice and we had an hour to kill so we just.. Talked. Things just flowed. It was a nice change honestly”

‘Change from what?” Z looked over at her as Emma sighed. “Come sit here, we’re gonna be awhile” she patted the seat next to her and Emma sat down.

“A change from from what?” Zendaya repeated

“Holland and co” Emma paused “They're all super nice don’t get me wrong, Sam and I constantly. Just whenever Harrison is there things get kinda awkward”

Zendayas features soften, her voice filled with sympathy “He’s just like that sometimes I guess. Tom and him have been friends for years already. Just don’t take it to heart Em.” Emma nodded “Good. Now tonight you’re coming back to my hotel with me and we’re gonna talk got it? Great”

Emma chuckled “I see that i get no say in this whatsoever”

Zendaya shook her head “None at all”

Once Z wrapped, her driver drove both of them back to her hotel, which was significantly larger than Emmas.

“Okay important stuff first” Zendaya starts as soon as the door shuts behind them. “Hogwarts house. Favourite musical. Favourite band or artist or whatever” she counts them off on her fingers as she speaks.

Emma smiled “Ravenclaw, les mis or grease, probably Bowie”

“Bowie, really?” Zendaya echoed as they sat down on the couch, Emma nodded

“Yeah or maybe the Beatles” Zendaya looked shocked “What do you think i only ever listen to orchestra music?”

“No just didn’t picture you as a classic rock fan”

“I’m just full of surprises” Emma spoke sarcastically.

“Okay well I still know nothing about you and that seems kind of unfair considering you could google everything about me. So tell me stuff” Z leaned in closer, whispering the last sentence

“How personal do you want me to get?” Emma asked

“As much as your comfortable with” Z explained.

“I mean if were going all the way back I lived with my mom growing up, bout an hour outside of Toronto, never really knew my dad. I have a few vague memories but he left when I was six so they aren’t much. I’ve always been pretty music-oriented and my family never knew where I got it from. They were all science and math people My best friend, Hannah, we met when we were 7 at a youth band thing and have been stuck together since. We did everything together. We actually both graduated early and applied to the same universities but she stayed in the city to do musical neuroscience and I moved six hours away for performance music and then switched into composition” Emma ended.

“What about like dating and stuff? There's no way you’ve never had a boyfriend” Z leaned back, resting her elbow on the back of the couch, holding her head up.

“I dated the same guy for all four years of high school and into uni” Zendaya’s eyes went wide “Yeah it was really good at first but around the end of my junior year it got ugly. But we’d been dating so long I was almost convinced that it was normal. Once I got into university it got really bad and that’s when I came to my senses” Emma spoke calmly. Something about Z made her easy to trust.

The rest of the night went by quickly. They talked, ordered food, and watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine for the rest of the night.

The next two weeks on set went by pretty much the same. When Emma wasn’t doing post-scene interviews, she was in either Toms, Zs or Tony’s trailer. She had become pretty close with some more of the cast, particularly Jacob and Remy, definitely the most comfortable with Tony though.  She’d grown pretty close with Sam and Harry. Even becoming closer with Harrison. To the point were the two of them plus Sam watched the dark knight rises in Tom’s trailer after Emma had admitted to never having seen it. Even still, it was always fleeting gazes or staring way too long with both of them, neither approaching the other unless someone else was there, and still, they were all stutters and flushed cheeks.  

Emma had not had a good morning so far. It was Michael’s last day on set for a while so it was going to be only her now. Of course the first day without Michael and she woke up late and couldn’t get her coffee maker to work and found that the pants she’d planned on wearing, she hadn’t packed. Instead opting for a black skirt and a yellow top with the same pair of ankle boots as always, her hair pulled into a ponytail. Michael had gone in early so the drive to set was just Iris and Emma. It was slightly awkward, normally Michael would be the one to speak up and start conversations but without him there it was silent. The only good part of her morning so far, had been Iris offering to stop and get coffee when Emma told her of her morning so far.

Once she was out of the car, Emma started towards her and Michaels trailer, coffee in hand and her bag on her back. She felt her phone start to ring and pulled it out of the waistband of her skirt and with one hand, answered it holding it up to her ear

“Oh perfect you answered” Michael started, not even giving emma time to say hello “I have some stuff for you to listen to once you get here. I’d really like your input”

“Okay. Iris just dropped me off I’ll be there in like two minutes” Emma found herself walking in between the abundance of trailers.

“Great. You remember which one right?”

“Yes of course I do Michael, it’s been two weeks. I’ll be fine. Bye”

“Okay well just text if you get lost. Bye now”

Emma pushed her phone back into her waistband. She looked up, but not soon enough to avoid the chest she walked straight into, the other person also on their phone.

Harrison

Emma stumbled back, dropping her pretty much full coffee on the ground. Harrisons hands immediately went to her waist to stabilize her, feeling her stiffen underneath his touch.

“Sorry about that, I should’ve been paying more attention” Emma looked up at Harrison. He was easily six inches taller than her. Everything she’d worried about during the very first interview had come true. She wasn’t able to look away now. She noticed the smallest details about him that she hadn’t before. Like the way his eyes got more green towards the outside, or the light stubble along his jaw, or how his cheeks seemed slightly more pink than normal.

“It’s alright darling, just watch out next time, yeah?” Harrison gave a small smile and Emma nodded. They were both lost in each other for a few moments. As if they were trying to memorize every detail of the other. Like the faint freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks.

Darling? It had rolled so easily off his lips, he hadn’t even noticed he said it.

It took a minute before Harrison realized how close they really were. He reluctantly pulled his hands away from her waist. As he did Emma broke their eye contact and took a step back, bending down to pick up the fallen cup.

“Ill uh.. I’ll buy you a new one” Harrison spoke, Emma looked up at him as she stood.

“No no you don’t have to really” She shook her head “It’s just a coffee. It’s not a big deal” They stood there for a moment, neither speaking, Harrisons hands in his pockets as Emma’s fiddled with the now empty cup “I should uh” Emma wet her lips quickly “I should get going” she barely looked up as the both nodded and she walked towards the trailer.

Once she was inside she threw out the cup and grabbed a paper towel to wipe off the  drops of coffee that had bounced up onto her legs. She placed her stuff on her desk and dragged her chair over to Michaels desk.

“You wanted me to listen to something?” she said as she sat down

“Yeah yeah give me one second” he said placing a few final notes in the composition program before hitting play on the theme he had written so far for the movie. After about four minutes, what he has so far ends. He looks towards Emma with a questioning glance “So?

“I uh It’s amazing obviously but.. I think it should have less to do with that triumphant superhero stuff you’ve got going on and more towards Peters loyalty and concern for his friends. I definitely wouldn’t scrap this though, maybe just not for the scene you’ve got it for” Michael nods as Emma speaks. Adding little “hm”s and “okay”s here and there.

“How about this. I want you to write it for this scene” Emma’s eyes widen in shock.

“Waitwaitwait you- I- you want me to write part of the score?” Emma barely stutters out

“Well yeah. Your name doesn’t get put in the credits unless you actually write something because technically you work for me not marvel and I want you name in there as badly as you probably do. So if you write something, you get credit.” Michael looks over at Emma, her jaw dropped. “I’ll take that as yes but Emma you’re going to catch flies. I have a meeting to go to now but you know what to do” Michael grabbed his bag and left.

Heres some writers that let me tag them :)

@cherryhollands @darlintom @starksparker @starksmile @hollandroos @marvelellie @dej-okay @h-osterfield @upsidedownparker

Taglist: @rainbow-marvel (thanks :))

[gone-girlllllll]

WHY

I question why I have this bursting anger inside of me yet when it’s late and I’m doing nothing but thinking and my mind crosses to my mum and yet of course my brother.

I feel like this profile is a way I can actually get my feelings out when I have no other place to turn to. I don’t want to ambush people with these horrible thoughts, nobody will understand.

IM SO ANGRY.

After my older brother killed himself when he was 18, my life basically was starting. I got to about 10 and my mum finally told me what had happened to him and since about 15 all I’ve been doing is thinking of it. I’m sorry I can’t really remember you and I’m sorry I’m angry at you and I’m sorry I don’t understand why you did it.

But I just can’t help but think IF ONLY YOU saw the consequence from that one action u made at the age of 18, 18! I’m 18 and I don’t know how anyone could ever make a drastic decision like that, how does someone so young believe that the only way out of sadness or a tough time in life is to take their own.

HOW SELFISH, n yet again I’m sorry for saying that. I feel so guilty I think this way and I know that if anybody ever in my family seen this they’d hate me and think I’m a bad person and maybe I am but in my eyes so are you.

You have no idea the shitness you’ve brought to this family, the hurt. Why couldn’t you of just kept your head up, WAITED. Time heals everything, well they say, but with mum clearly not. But in my eyes I believe it can if you’re willing to try and if you’re strong enough to let it. Don’t dwell, move on?

If you’d only of waited or spoke to someone, someone could of opened your eyes to what the world could of gave you. What I could of. I wish I was old enough to see your hurt, I mean I was only 3. I only I was at this point I am now, I could of helped. I wish I did and I’m sorry for that. IM SORRY THAT SOMETHING SO SHIT MADE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAD TO LEAVE. Leave everything, the world, life, family, friends but most importantly right now MUM.

I can’t stop crying at these stupid thoughts but I can’t get them out of my head. Suicide is shit and horrible but don’t get me wrong I’ve thought about it before too but that was me being a stupid child. I grew out of it and I wish you would of too.

I want to know what possessed you to do it, why. What could of ever killed your kind, loving heart. Mum told me how amazing you were with me and everyone that knew you talks about you to me with kind words so why. HOW DID NOBODY notice? How did you hide it so well? Why didn’t you talk to anybody? Maybe you did, if so who? Why didn’t they stop you? WHY DID NOBODY TELL YOU HOW AMAZING THIS WORLD COULD BE if only you let it?

This hurts me to write all this but at this moment I don’t know what else to do or rely on. I have this anger inside of me where I want to scream, hit things but I can’t. It’s 12pm and I can’t get you or mum out of my brain.

In my eyes, because of you when I think of mum I get angry. It angers me she doesn’t do things normal mums should do. I get she gives me the WORLD in the sense of giving through £££ or cleaning, or doing things for me. Which is probably only to waste more time of her days. I personally think she’s counting down the days until she’s dead herself. She told me herself she might as well be dead years ago, that’s never left my head either. What mum would ever say that to her young child, and I also think YOU caused that.

Selfish teenage boy, with problems only suicide could solve. Did you ever think of how it would effect your mum, your brothers, your baby sister. You must of, So why DIDNT THAT STOP YOU. Everyday mum wakes up thinking or life as another depressing day ahead. I know she does, I can see it in her. She’s NEVER happy, I can actually say confidentially I can’t remember the last time she’s laughed out loud. How sad is that?

Now I’m 18, I feel as though I’m finally starting to understand life. She angers me everyday I see her, the way she anxiously walks about the house trying her best to find things to do and keep her mind off doing NOTHING but being sad. You spill a drop out water, she shouts. You drop a remote and she hears something fall, she will shout. She’s an angry soul waiting to burst because of you. She’s depressed, lonely and closed, because of you. She has to see a therapist to finally open up in some way to someone, which I don’t think she does to anybody else. She can’t spit out her words to anyone, she’s a closed book. I’m 18 and I can also say I don’t actually know my mum.

As I’ve grown up, we’ve slowly grown apart, I’ve noticed her anger and sadness. She way she goes about life and it makes me angry. I can’t spend more than 20 minutes in her company without wanting to rip my hair out. It angers me how she can’t keep a conversation going with her own daughter, it angers me she never makes the effort to get to know me or anything that happens in my life. Ive just come back from uni after a month, she said she missed me. First car ride, the first time she seen me, was awkward silence, no words spoke, no how’s uni. SHE DOES NOT CARE.

BECAUSE OF YOU SHE CARES ABOUT FUCK ALL apart from the fact you are gone and YOUVE Crushed her heart into pieces. I wish you knew that, I wish you could see it the way all of US have to. And yet, none of us can do anything about it.

I remember when she said I wish I had no kids. She said I was exactly like tommy after he stressed her out with this issues a year ago. I’m a disappointment to her no matter what I do or say. I remember when I got my A level results, I seen every other parent go wild make their kid feel like they are on top of the world, special. I got a simple well done. I felt nothing. No meal, no celebration, but again why would she do that. It’s only some stupid results On a piece of paper to her now I’m sure.

There’s no happiness, except for when Mia came into the world. She’s a distraction from her loneliness that’s eating her up. Mia’s happiness is hers. But yet Mia is too clueless to see the sadness in her, like I was.

I want that relationship with my mum where I can trust her, spend time with her, make memories with her, gossip about stupid things, that mother daughter relationship everyone wants. I wonder if I’d of got that if you didn’t kill yourself. I wonder if she’d be happy, if she’d actually be proud of me, be the woman to jump about at my stupid A level grades, take me on random dinners cause she’d be confident like that. Instead she can’t really leave the house without feeling anxiety. She’s like a hamster trapped in a cage, cage being from the shops, doctor, our house, nain’s flat, aunty carols and the houses she cleans. Where else does she go? NOWHERE. She hates seeing people, she hates conversation, she’s become so small in herself she can’t even do that, and yet all I think i I wonder if she did before you.

I seen a picture of her once out getting wrecked with her friends and I couldn’t get over it. MY MUM OUT ACTUALLY HAVING FUN, obviously that was before you did what you did. She doesn’t even speak to them friends anymore, only aunty carol. I’m sure if aunty Carol stopped overly making effort with her she’d be out of her life too. I again feel angry at myself and guilty I think this way but I can’t get it out of my head.

My mum is basically dead but alive, she’s not actually here on Earth, she’s floating. I doubt she’s even scared to die, she’s ready.

You ruined her life from the minute you stepped off that chair, which can I mention WHY THERE. So close to home and comfort, the place your friends learnt to love. YOU NOT ONLY FUCKED IT BY DOING IT BUT so selfishly did it in a place where memories were made and shared. And now I bet when anyone thinks of that place they think of you. If only you knew that each time she drove she’d have to go the long way round so she wouldn’t pass that field. If only you knew that when my friends would go there, traditionally making it the go to place for teens in valley to get around and be piss heads n free n smoke I had to lie to mum, I was made to feel guilty and I still do. I like to think of that place as a way of being close to you in some way, although you did what you did. Before that you went there and made happy memories with the people you cared about, that’s what I do when I’m there.

I remember one Time I went there when I first started trying drugs. I sat alone, fucked On a pill and thought of you. I went for a walk alone ( I’m scared of the dark but went anyway) and I tried to speak to you, hoping to feel some sort of connection. I wish I could actually speak to you in person.

Maybe if you didn’t kill you self this whole family would be close and happy, that’s all I could wish for. Maybe me and my brothers would be close and if a boy would mess me around you’d make sure they’d stick up for me too like hopefully you would of. I feel no sense of security now. I have me and nobody else. They don’t know me, nobody in this family knows anyone. We are all alone, we keep everything to ourselves, we trust nobody. Everything that is shit in my ( ours) family, I blame you. I bet life would be so different. Again I know if anybody ever in this family seen this they’d hate me but I’m not ready to forgive you. I might of forgotten you, which I’m sorry for but there’s a reminder of you everytime I’m in this house, or with this family. It’s just you.

I’m sorry for how I feel and I’m sorry for writing it on this but I don’t know what else to do. My diary is in Liverpool and I’m at home in bed crying. I wanted to sleep an hour ago cause I have a shit ton of uni work that needs to be done but I guess I’m up crying about you, no hard feelings. X

I wish this could all just blow away and you’d be here again and everything would be perfect. I know perfect isn’t possible but to see a smile on my mums face everyday, to hear her laugh, to see our family CLOSE, to feel like I was happy in my family and not alone would actually be perfect to me.

But it can’t and that’s because of you. X

[vlr0]

kay uhm this is me kind of venting and its a bit #negative i think and idk im always so nervous about posting personal stuff online anyway ill put it under a cut feel free to ignore it its fine vbut i need to clear mny minbd a bit

mmmh okay i dont actually know how to explain it but the thing is lòately ive been kind of sad and tired and miserable and bad in general about myself & my life, i always feel stressed and nervous and every time i make a mistake i feel terrible and lately i feel like everything i do is a huge mistake

but like. one of the worst things for me is trying to understand like. why am i feeling like this? like is it the situation im in, is it because im overreacting, is it because Thats How I Feel All The Time? to be fore specific: ive been skipping two exams that i will have to try again in june, and i have another one in april but the thing is that i had the time to study but i didnt because of Bad Decisions i made. it made me feel really bad, cause it reminded me of last year (it was only last year!! it feels like 5 years ago wth!!) when i skipped my first exams cause i didnt want to study, and i felt miserable again, and in the end i ended up dropping out of tyhat degree course and changing it

and liek this lead to many different questions like, am i doing the right thing? am i just not good at studying should i just leave uni altogether? but then id end up working in my mothers shop all the time and it makes me feel even worse, also what other thing should i do? was this course a mistake am i just beng sad about the exams and making it too big? and then i end up trying to understand if all this sadness and general bad feelings are just tied to this thing or if its somethign else.

and like rn im trying to understand if its just this kind of stuff (anxiety for future/academic success/good life in general i guess) or if its more stuff cause like.... i have kind of a bad self esteem and i feel at times isolated even tho i have friends who love me and i love them and i have my family who loves me, but sometimes i feel so lonely and sad and i feel like i have no obne to talk to even if i know anyone who cares about me would help me and try to cheer me up but i feel like such a bother to them and a burden. and again i feel like im over exaggerating stuff? like im making things up and im actually okay even tho i dont feel like it? idk how to explain it

like tehres also some other things but im a bit embarassed to talk about them also the question Is It Real or Just A Phase is always on my mind and yeah this post is getting repetitive wow imn saying the same thing 100 times

basically yeah i keep trying to find other reasons to see if its just a general thing or if i would feel better and my life would feel better if i changed myself and some other stuff, or if its just like this this is who i am, or if its a bit of both

but at the same time there are periods where im okay like. there are periods where i was really Happy and i felt like i was doing good and was making good choices so it cant possibly be like, a thing that always happens. like there were times where i was sad even then but not this much so i cant be depressed is basically what i think and i feel so bad and guilty for even considering it an option but here i am, still thinking that there must be a reason for how i feel

and also since i actually spend all the time at my computyer playing overwatch/watching stuff having kinda fun with it, maybe if i was less lazy and more productive i wouldnt feel this bad and i would actually be a better person but i feelm like ill never change and im just doomed to be like this all the time but still its my fault so why am i complaining ?

i guess it all boils down to the fact taht i actually wanted to ask to see a therapist for a while, but im scared that my family wont think its necessary cause i dont talk about them of this stuff, and im scared if i tell them they will tell me to get over it

and im scared if i actually go and tell this hypothetical therapist all of this theyll tell me im actually fine i shoudl jst get over it and  its actually normal to be liek this all the time, or that iots just my current situation and i shoudl work to change it and idek where to start or what to do

and i also feel really bad cause lots of epople have it worse than me and they like. have a reason i guess but i feel like my life is Just Fine like pretty average and i have no reason to feel like this so wthn is wrong with me????

yeah basically what im wondering is if its all Real or im just Faking It and all this situation is kinda. killing me. mh