#it go or something and this depressive episode is worse than ever because my room is a mess its never been before and i literally

[shinigami-sensei]

.

[lolita-lollipop]

Hey there, First off I wanted to say I love your work! Second my request is a platonic yandere TodoDeku taking care of a sick reader who cant hold down food or eat anything but the reader just cant seem to get better no matter what medication they use? I could use some comfort for that because I'm currently dealing with that haha.

YANDERE PRO HERO IZUKU X SICK READER X YANDERE PRO HERO TODOROKI

TW VOMIT AND IV

Izukus keys jingled as he unlocked the front door to the shared home between him and his husband, and you. The door was heavily secured in case you ever tried to run, not that you would, or could. The house was quiet, usually there was the lingering sound of the tv left on, or the kittens mewing. But no. Just the sound of still air remaining still.

“I’m home! Y/n? Todo?” He called out, usually one of the two came to greet him at the door, usually todoroki, but occasionally you when you needed something. Todoroki got home about an hour or so earlier than izuku , so usually dinner was already either prepared or ordered, and you were ready for bed. He was used to the sound of you talking with your papa when he got home, used to the sound of the toys he’d gotton you rattling. But recently it’s been different, he couldn’t remember when it started, when you got like this. All he really knew is it happened fast and abrupt, all of a sudden you were always exhausted, it even took a lot of coaxing to get you out of bed in the mornings, you could barely stomach an apple, and you pretty much avoided eating in general in fear of vomiting. You were sick. And it wasn’t getting better.

They’d placed monitors all over the house, security cameras that were connected to a small device similar to a baby monitor, it was just a safety precaution, or it was supposed to be. They’d never noticed how soundless you were, how you barely moved, probably in attempts to relieve the aching in your bones. It worried both of them to no end at how your body was eating itself from the inside out in place for food.

What was even worse was that they didn’t know what to do about it. They couldn’t get another doctor because you might act out and try to free yourself, but neither of them had enough medical experience to help you. Really help you.

Nowadays todoroki didn’t have time to cook anything for dinner when he first got home, he was too worried about the fact that you haven’t moved from the position he left you in this morning, about the fact that the lunch and snacks the two husbands had left you for the day went mainly untouched. And how the Meds that you were supposed to be taking just made you feel sick instead of any better. When he came home today he could feel the tension in the air, he the world around felt void, how the rooms life had just been sucked out.

They don’t know when this depressive episode of yours started, at least they thought it was a depressive episode. At first they believed it was you rebelling against them, going on somewhat of a hunger strike to try and get them to let you go. So naturally they punished you, took away the cats and the tv and the books. But that did very little in stopping you, at some point the way you stared off into space forced them into realizing something was very wrong.

…

Izuku pulled off his coat and shoes at the door, putting his keys up on the highest shelve that he knew you couldn’t reach. His other hand clutched at a bag of some of your favorite takeout food, or what used to be your favorite at least. He just needed you to eat something, hopefully this might help. He was lost in the endless tombs of his brain, thought being the only thing consuming him. Then he heard it, heard you. And he dropped the bag, dropped his coat from his hands, and ran to your room.

Soft sobs could be what’d through the home monitors, his phone blinked with a red light, indicating that you were actually moving, making noise. When he opened the door, his heart almost broke. You were sitting in a corner, rolled into a fetal position, hiccuping and sniffling, you had your hand pressed to your mouth in attempts to quiet yourself, you were far too consumed by your own feelings to notice him. There was a small plastic container on the table with a few mango slices left in it, and a small puddle of… stomach liquid on the other side of the room. It only took him a few seconds to connect the dots. And he was immediately on you.

“Oh my baby- it’s okay it’s okay don’t cry, daddy’s here now. I’m so sorry you got sick- I know it feels bad. Can you tell me what happened sweetheart?” He cooed , using his sleeve to wipe the corner of your mouth, and picking you up with his strong arms. As he held you tight and close in his comforting embrace, you didn’t fight, usually you would at least put a little squirming into it, but you were far too weak to even try.

“I just- I was really hungry so I tried to- I tried to- and then after my stomach hurt really bad and I got really sick and I couldn’t make it to the bathroom an- I’m so sorry I got- I got it in the carpet” you spoke through your sobs, clutching close to him, you just had felt so good today, like you were getting better. So against your better judgment , you actually ate most of the mango your dads had left for you, then your body seemed to remember it was sick before your brain did, and before you knew it you were hunched over clutching your stomach, hurling out whatever you’d just eaten.

It was just so humiliating, to not understand what was happening to you. That’s why you’d been crying, Izuku knew how you felt about all of this, that’s why he’s been so lenient when you have sass or snap at him. Because you’re hurting. It’s these moments when he knows it best, he let you wrap your legs around his waist and stick your head between the crook of his shoulder, his hands went up and down on your back soothingly, and he bounced slightly on his feet in order to calm you. You would probably make yourself sick again with all of this crying.

“Oh my poor baby- I’m so so sorry this keeps happening. I promise Me and papa are gonna find a way to make this better” he clutched you tight to him, and although you wished you wanted to fight him, scratch his eyes out and take this moment of softness to run. You didn’t, your body felt as if it was made of lead, and your eyes struggled to stay open, and you just felt so. utterly. sick.

So instead you clutched his shirt, and leaned into him. A husky cough left your lips at the pressure he put on your back, which did nothing but made you cry more. The thought of them making you better scared you, they’d tried everything, who knows what crazy solutions are left.

“I-I don’t wanna see a doctor again. Please don’t make me I- I can’t” you pleased of the man, drawing out any sympathy he might’ve held for you, he did know how much you suffered because of whatever this sickness was. Supposedly it was because of stress, after all getting kidnapped by two random strangers who overpower you and force you into being their child harms you mentally, and in turn, physically.

“Don’t worry baby. Your father will have his brother come instead of one of those scary doctors. I know I know you don’t like him either ,but we need you to be seen okay? If you’re good I’ll let you watch one of those horror movies you like. The rated r ones?” He coaxed, beginning to lay small pats on your back in order to prevent a freak out, you didn’t like doctors, at least not the ones he brought you to. Which was understandable, usually he would offer tot ale you out for ice cream, but as you were currently… not eating, this was the next best option.

You grunted and nudged your head closer to the knook of his shoulder, letting him hold you tight. You were still quite focused on holding your remaining nausea down.

“I’ll take that as a yes then? Hm?”he questioned with a little laugh, trying to lighten your mood. It didn’t.

“…yes”

———

It took a few hours for both todoroki and natsuo to get here, natsuo took a little convincing to treat you. He loves you, don’t get him wrong, you’re his favorite little niece, but now that they had taken you against your will and kept you in a cage. It just felt wrong to help his little brother. Still. He supposed it was worse to have you be kidnapped and fatally ill than to just be kidnapped. So begrudgingly he came.

Shoto had warned him that you would be much less than happy to talk to him, and it might be possible that you would have to be restrained. But in the end he agreed.

You heard your two fathers talking to your uncle outside your room, a gruesome horror movie played on the small tv in front of you, an older one that should’ve made you squirm and cringe at the violence and gore occurring, still, you watched intently, almost with a smile. The door opening snapped you out of your stare. The bed next to you dipped down as somebody sat, no doubt your fathers older brother natsuo.

You didn’t hate the man, in fact before all this the two of you knew eachother quite well. But like everybody else, he chose to standby as your two “fathers” confined you here. So you always held some remorse for him.

You were tied down with silk straps, wrapped tightly, but still comfortably. In a position that had you facing the tv. It honestly wasn’t that bad, as you were comfortable and the ropes were soft. It did make you feel mildly vulnerable around this man, but you’ve known natsuo since you were little, and you trusted him. At least you hoped you could. Then again, trusting people had only gotton you kidnapped and put in one of the worst mental states of your life so…

“Hey sweetheart… so, you’ve been having some trouble eating. Right?” He asked, trying to keep his voice as monotone as possible, he’d known that you would look bad, after all you hadn’t eaten in weeks and you were going through severe depression and dissociation. But… god. You looked dead honestly, devoid of all life but somehow still living. The way you did nothing but nod to his question only further proved his point.

“We’ll, I already know you’ve been quite stressed, I completely understand as this is such an environment change for you. But there are also a few physical illnesses that this could be. I’m just gonna ask a few questions alright? Are you okay with that?” He (obviously) did most of the taking, as almost the entirety of your attention was on the movie playing in front of you. It was obvious he was trying to make you feel like you were in charge here. Like you could tell him to leave and he would.

You knew that wasn’t true though.

He asked a wide variety of questions about how you felt when you ate, was it full, was it empty. He also asked about what you had eaten last before all of this started. You’d answered truthfully, after all you did want to get better so you could stop feeling so weak all the time.

The more he spoke to you, the more his voice became a lullaby. The movie in front of you continued with its display of blood and guts, it combined with the way natsuos voice droned, and just pulled you further and further towards sleep. It was actually quite nice.

The last thing you remembered before drifting of was getting a warm hug from the man, and then some talking outside, even a little crying from whom you presumed was midoria.

Then, nothing.

———

When you woke up, you hadn’t been restrained anymore. And you were sitting in a soft chair, one that you had recognized as the one next to your parents bed. A cat sat in your lap, you stared down at it, still half asleep, it made you happy.

Then, as you came to consciousness, you began to be painstakingly aware of how you were feeling. The nausea was gone, and so was the emptiness, but now… now there was this fuzzy feeling all around your body. And there was such a sharp pain in your arm, it felt like it was stabbing you repeatedly.

Then you saw what it was, and THAT woke you up.

There was a bag rested on a large pole next to you, with some liquid inside of it. The bag was feeding into a pipe which went into your arm. A thin needle was pressed into the knook of your elbow.

No no no no no. They did not put a fucking needle in your arm. They wouldn’t. Who knows what the hell is in that bag? They could be pumping you with fucking drugs all day and you wouldn’t even knows You panicked and tried pulling at it, doing absolutely anything to keep the stupid thing from pumping whatever that was into your blood.

Pulling at the pipe and patch hurt far too much for you to continue, so you just sat and stared at the IV. It made you sick thinking about what they did to you while you were happily sleeping. They fucking stabbed you. With a needle. Your vision began to blur and your hearing went fuzzy as a panic attack pulsed through your senses.

You were able to hear small footsteps, and then somebody grabbed and picked you up.

“No no no- don’t do that baby. It’s there to help you- oh I know you don’t like it. I know baby- We should’ve told you about it. But it’s here to help you sweetheart. No don’t cry- it’s okay” todoroki hushed as you clawed at the small patch on your arm, he held you tight, which actually helped a little bit, as it stopped you from pulling the IV out.

Even though you wanted the stupid little needle out of your arm, the sight of your blood would make you panic further. Todoroki knew this, so he chose to just let you wriggle and squirm in his arms as opposed to making yourself bleed.

Isn’t that funny. You love watching those little films filled with blood and gore, but the second you shed any of your own blood ,you panic. How cute.

He had known that the needle and the bag would make you freak out, but both him and his husband had figured that this was a better option than a feeding tube (that would really freak you out). And although it upset you, it was for your well-being, and you would have to understand that.

Their intentions were innocent too, they didn’t drug you, all they wanted was for you to be healthy. They just want you to be safe and happy and healthy, they just want you to feel okay.

They just wanted to nurse you back into the girl they fell in love with all those years ago.

And you…

You would get used to it if it meant you started feeling better.

You would have to.

—————————————

This is an oooollldddd request that I was struggling with heavily because when I started writing this one I had an eating disorder :P

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY LOVELY LITTLE AMERICAN READERS!

Anyway now I’m all better and I was able to figure out an ending sooooo…

Thank you anon for requesting ! And Thank you readers for reading!

Hope you enjoyed! Have a very good day!

[forevery0urs]

Depression is a bitch.

all you want to do is lay down all day and sleep. It truly sucks when you’re having a episode. It’s been going on for a few days. You haven’t been to work in 4 days. You don’t even have enough motivation to get up from the bed.

The good thing is that you have the best fiancé to help you through this episode.

“Baby,it’s morning. I made your favorite food.” Eren says as he gently rubs your back.

“I can’t get up” you mumble quietly,feeling yourself sink more into the mattress.

“you didn’t eat dinner yesterday.I want you to at least eat breakfast.” He speaks to you in a soft tone. you don’t answer him so he gets up and leaves the room.

you pull the covers over your face and close your eyes,wishing that you wouldn’t feel this way anymore.

You hear eren’s footsteps. “Sweet girl,can you sit up for me” You hear him place something down on the nightstand.

you sigh quietly and pull the covers off of yourself,sitting up.

Eren’s heart cracks a little at the sight of your red eyes and dull smile. “Here baby,take a bite” He gently brings the food to your mouth.

You open your mouth since that’s the least you could do. “Listen, i was thinking that later we could go to the mall or the 99 since i know you love that store a lot” He smiles at you.

“I can’t…. I just want to lay down and sleep.” You tear up a little. You bite your food and chew quietly.

“I understand but if i don’t get you out of this house then you’ll never get through this episode. I want my sweet girl to get through this so we can continue to plan our wedding.” He speaks gently, wiping any tears that falls down your face.

“Do you want to tell me what triggered the episode?” He asks softly, giving you more food.

“It’s just- I-..” You feel your voice crack. He rubs your hand, patiently waiting for you to continue.

“I feel like i’ve been such a burden to you. With all the wedding planning i feel like i’m taking time away from you and practice. I feel like it’s such a dumb thing that can trigger stuff like this but it just has been making me feel bad and not talking about it made it even worse.” Your lip quivers a bit.

“Mama,you could never be a burden to me. I choose to not practice as much so that i could plan our wedding because i want it to be perfect since it’s the only wedding we’re ever going to have. Fuck what the coach thinks about me missing practice. You are more important than anything else. You’re my number one everything. I love you so much and i’ll help you get through this ,baby and of course i know it’s not going to go away in a second but i’m here to help guide you through it. I’m here for you no matter what.” He rants gently,reassuring you.

You hug him,sobbing softly against his shoulder. He hugs you back, whispering comforting words into your ear, letting you to let everything out.

After a few minutes you let go. “Do you want to go out or stay in and watch movies in the bed?” He kisses your cheek. “If you offered to take me to the 99 then i guess we have to go.” You smile.

He chuckles. “Of course baby,anything for you.Do you need my help to help you shower?”

You nod,smiling. He walks over to the bathroom, turning on the tub and letting it fill up. He comes back to pick you up.

He carries you bridal style and takes you the the bathroom. He gently takes off your clothes.

“Thank you for being patient with me,hermoso”

He gently scrubs your body . “Anything for you”

~~~~~~~~

“Eren, comportarse.” You whisper scream at him after he threw a ball at your head. He chuckles, wrapping his arms around your waist as you push around the cart.

“Next time i’ll throw it at your ass so i can see it j-“. “Eren!” You smack his head,pushing him off of you.

“I’m just joking,Baby!” He says lifting his hands up,smiling and just following you around.

[lesbiandanhowell]

Special episode of Sam reacts!

Sam reacts to: We're All Doomed Movie

Since this is long, little summary of thoughts at the beginning. I didn't love the editing at the beginning, because it felt too fast paced/ too jumpy? But it changed in the second half and seeing the contrast in the editing of it being much slower during the emotional bit, it does make sense. I think the movie for sure did the performance justice and showing the audience interactions added a lot for me.

Also this show is so important on every level and I adore Dan so much for making it and being so proud of it.

- Immediately started looking for myself but I don't think you can see us, cause we sat on the balcony. I have however already spotted @energeticwarrior and @danrifics like less than a minute in lmao

- I love seeing how many of the camera positions I identified correctly.

- I wish they would let shots linger more, the cuts are quite jumpy.

- Oh this brings me back so much. Hearing the audience laugh at certain moments I remember laughing in that moment. I get the same excitement and urge to clap and cheer.

- I love seeing his expressions, cause I didn't get to see those up from the balcony!

- The person with the boob hair sweater in the first row, I love you!

- "Believably sad, lonely and horny. Dan Howell!"

- Okay they somehow really managed to capture the energy of the room which I was worried about. The sound leveling between audience and Dan is really well matched imo.

- He is SO SWEATY what the fuck how stressed was he because the venue really wasn't too hot honestly.

- My attention span is so much worse than when I was there in person holy shit.

- "After the show talking about what a good time you've had" and none of us have been able to shut up about just how much we loved it since 🥹

- The overalls are so bad for Dan, he has like no ass in them.

- Okay admission that @personthattoleratesme made fun of me for: during the YouTube swipe Montage I didn't realize all the other like Crafting, Baking, Shipping Container YouTubers was Dan the first time I saw the show...

- I am SO GLAD Froot Loops Tucan made it and the persons reaction and confidence is incredible.

- Dan's ability to go between talking about wanting to fuxk the Duolingo owl to the very real danger of social media influencing political elections is unparalleled.

- "Human communication. We want to come together with real people. Share stories, move each other emotionally with our words about depression and pensis."

- Imagine Dan Howell calling you hoe...

- Something about Dan calling himself a ditzy bitch gets me so bad every time.

- "Miscellaneous mentally ill nerds of London" best title I have ever been given.

- I liked Sundays madlips better :(( But wasn't faggots Sunday I am so confused now

- The screams for every Phil mention, we love him so much.

- I love Blame Game so much, some of my favourite parts from the whole show because the energy is unmatched. The fact that JKR gets a more severe reaction than Musk is actually so funny.

- Sunday crowd was the best, you can so clearly hear that the majority of people is calling freedom for Dan at the end aww.

- I need more bravery to fuck shit up, to not be so agreeable and complacent and be more disruptive honestly.

- After the calender bit his voice is so shakey and broken, I didn't hear that at all in person but fuck that just broke me.

- Yeah the last few minutes always get me so not much of a reaction to those other than I cried, again.

- What I found interesting was the parts that were left out? Cause I definitely noticed a few moments that didn't make the cut which I find surprising! Moments I noticed were the first mention of him only using two emojis, that's referenced again with the cowboy hat emoji and also he didn't include the iconic "Because time changes everything".

- I am so glad they managed to get All Star because it is simply part of the experience honestly. Nothing hit's quite like sobbing and then being hit with that song.

EDIT:

- I remembered something else I really loved: the music, I really think they choose such a good score, made such good little sound effects and the reaction I had to hearing it all live was amazing.

[risustravelogue]

Never A Waste

Summary:

Your boyfriend skips work to tend to you. Again.

Featuring:

Boyfriend!Alhaitham, Chubby Depressed!Reader

Tone:

Angst.

Note:

I got sick (again) and was feeling rather shitty, so I wrote something to cheer myself up. CW: heavy self-insert, strong allusion to Reader having clinical depression.

🔗 AO3 | masterlist 🔗

Your body’s been acting up again.

The ringing in your ears has been getting worse since last week, overwhelming your senses. Then, on Saturday, the migraines came and wouldn’t go, which triggered your vertigo, which rendered you unable to go anywhere. You spent your weekend laying in bed and canceling your lunch and dinner plans. It was so bad that you couldn’t even get out of bed this morning, prompting Alhaitham to skip work and insist he takes care of you, saying, “there’s nothing important at work today, anyway.”

The thing is, this is not the first time he’s skipped work to tend to you. During the year you’ve been together, he’s done that during your pre-period fevers, period pains, bouts of depression, and more. You feel guiltier than ever for being the cause of his ditching work once again. Depressing, accusatory thoughts run through your tired mind, testing your patience. In your hazy consciousness, you end up blurting out an outlandish statement.

“Sometimes I wish I don’t exist.”

The words hang heavily in the air between you and your boyfriend. He looks at you, brows frowning in disapproval. “What brought that on?”

You close your eyes and groan as the room starts to spin around you yet again. “This,” you pout, pointing at your head, then resting your hand on your chest. “This stupid body of mine.”

He sighs and sits beside you, brushing your hair away from your face. He puts his hand on your forehead. “You’re feverish. I should carry you to Bimarstan right now.”

“Great idea. Leave me there and never return. I’m only a burden to you, after all.”

He replies with a sharp flick to your forehead.

“Ow! What was that for?” you protest.

“That's my question,” he growls.

You look up at him with narrowed eyes, not wanting to back down without getting your point across. His scolding gaze softens when tears start to form in your eyes.

“It’s true, though, isn’t it?” you say, lips trembling. “I’m a burden to you. How many times have you skipped work to tend to my episodes?”

He pauses. “I don’t keep count.”

“Well, I do. You do that at least once a month.” You turn away from him and bury your cheek into the pillow. “This… this can’t go on.”

“Why?”

“You’re the Akademiya’s Scribe,” you say, stifling back a sob. “Your work affects a lot of people. Don’t waste your time on me.”

He sighs. You feel him shifting on the bed, moving the blanket to cover his legs. You allow his right arm to wrap around your waist and turn you around to face him, while his left arm replaces the pillow beneath your head. He tilts your face towards his and places a gentle kiss on your lips.

“You’re never a waste of my time,” he says. “I said I love you, and I mean it.” He kisses you again. “I don’t mind that you’re chubby, or rather sickly, or prone to insecurities because of an illness you never wanted.” Another kiss. You feel his fingers playing with your hair. He pulls away after a while, his half-lidded verdant eyes looking straight into yours. He smiles. “I’ll always be there for you because I love you, and that’s final.”

He pulls you closer and holds you tight. You bury your face into his chest, tears streaming down, wetting his clothes. A relieved smile grows on your lips as you drift to peaceful sleep in his arms.

© @risustravelogue by @kurikurikurisu 2023 • no to reposting, yes to reblogging. feel free to send an ask to suggest, chat, etc. :)

[lycanlovingvampyre]

S5 Trailer Relisten

Unpopular opinion: MAG 161 hits better without the trailer. Hear me out! I said last episode I thought Jon had lost it now. He sounds so hysterical, maniacal and devastated at the end of MAG 160. Hearing the trailer tells us that the two are somewhat, as far as you can be given the situation, okay in the cabin. That Jon is depressed, totally understandable, but has not lost himself completely. That kind of takes that fear of "OMG, what happened to Jon" away. And since MAG 161 doesn't start with the cabin, but with that fucking birthday tape, that fear only gets worse! Don't get me wrong, I like the S5 trailer. I just think it's better to listen to it after MAG 161 for the surprise effect and I always recommend this order of listening to friends I managed bullying into TMA.

MARTIN: (knocking) "Knock, knock!" JON: "Who’s there?" MARTIN: "Just me." JON: "Just me who." MARTIN: "What?" JON: "Nevermind." Ah yes. Martin Kdon’t-think-I’ve-ever-heard-him-tell-a-joke Blackwood... (Also I don't think a "Knock knock, who is it" helps Jon's overall condition...)

MARTIN: "How are you feeling today?" Oh, this is so cute, this "today" also tells us that Martin checks up on Jon regularly. This also could mean that Jon spends some time sitting alone in a room brooding and that he's been in various states. Probably a lot worse than what we hear in the trailer, and Jon doesn't sound so good in the trailer...

Jon not sounding good includes only thinking of bad stuff, doesn't think there's ever going to be a "better" and immediately dismisses Martin's comfort-tea. I mean... he has every reason to. It's the apocalypse, this isn't going to resolve itself and there might be no way at all to undo this (as far as he knows here) and why delude himself.

MARTIN: "Yes, I know, Jon; I’m not ignorant, I’m just – I’m just not ready for complete despair yet." JON: "Like me." MARTIN: "I didn’t say that." JON: "You didn’t have to." Ahh, this is so good... Both of them a hurting of course, but each one is dealing with it differently. And neither one is probably taking it so well how the other deals with it. When you're at a low like Jon people who try and try to see the good annoy you. And when you're still trying to salvage things like Martin and the other one dismisses everything it gets frustrating.

MARTIN: "You know I’m here for you." [JON INHALES, LONG AND DEEP, THEN EXHALES.] JON: "Yes." [CLOTHES RUSTLING. POSSIBLY A HUG, AT THE VERY LEAST DRAWING CLOSER TO MARTIN.] JON: "Yes I do." I'm so happy we get lots of fluffy and funny scenes with the boys because otherwise S5 would have been really hard to stomach... (Also that inhale!)

MARTIN: "You still… (sigh) Feeling it, seeing everything?" JON: "Yes. I, I’m trying not to, but – all the fear, the anguish, i-it just keeps coming at me in waves, rolling over me, filling my head with such awful sights." Ah man, that sounds like intrusive thoughts... Thanks I hate it!

MARTIN: "I’m sorry. That sounds… (small sigh) That sounds horrible." JON: "I wish it was, Martin. I really wish it was. But it feels… right." I talked about this in MAG 144. Our brain tricking us into believing things. Like our mind actually believes we're in mortal danger when having a sense of impending doom episode. And also this. Being in an exceptional state during which our mind thinks the horrible thoughts are right. (Of course, for Jon here it’s meant as something different, but that’s what I hear like a bit between the lines.)

Alright, season trailer so I'm gonna do my recap of story progression again, first copy-paste of S1-3 and then S4 lets go! MAG 1 bis 19: Start of September 2020 - July 2021 (11 months) MAG 20 - MAG 40: July 31st 2021 - August 19th 2021 (20 days) MAG 41 - MAG 80: August 19th 2021 - September 2nd 2021 (15 days) MAG 81 - MAG 120: September 2nd - September 20th 2021 (19 days - with 7 days intermission) MAG 121 - MAG 160: September 20th 2021 - October 1st 2021 (12 days)

And for anticipation of S5? I had no idea, I thought it was a pretty bad situation but I thought obviously there has to be something going on because there are 40 more episodes so they're somehow going to save the world!

@a-mag-a-day

[yanderu-deredere]

UM so like, ive been feeling really shittt? and i was wondering which of the yanderes would be good at dealing with a depressed or suicidal so?

a/n: yooo im so sorry it took me forever to answer this ask but i hope you're feeling better! and, if you're not, have these lovely yanderes to help! also, i placed it under the cut just because of the warnings so heed the warnings and lets get started!

warnings: mentions of gender dysphoria, mentions of sucidal thoughts and ideations, mentions of depression, mentions of conservative opinion/thoughts, mentions of suicide attempts

gawain dubhán byrne ★ profile

Gawain knew exactly how that felt. In fact, he’d been in the same position as you. There was a time where he was in the wrong body and it made him want to tear himself apart. He dreaded waking up in the morning, all he wanted to do was fall asleep and just never have to deal with anything ever again.

That being said, because of his unique circumstance, he knew kind of what to do. He’d been to therapists and doctors, he knew the breathing techniques and the journaling methods, he knew kind of how to talk you through depressive episodes; he’d take care of you as best as he can.

Actually, Gawain would be the type to take care of you even to the detriment of his own mental health. 

If he hasn’t kidnapped you and trapped you in his expensive penthouse, he definitely would now. He has no choice. He couldn't risk leaving you to your own devices! Nobody knew better than him that you can’t fix mentally ill people immediately. A lot of suicides are impulsive.

So, he'd need to trap you in his house. He’d call his brother over if he needs someone to babysit you but, basically, until he deems you well enough to be left alone, the two of you are attached at the hip. He would totally spoon feed you, he’d bathe you, he’d tuck you in; literally becomes an annoying caregiving leech.

Part of it is because he’s overprotective and wants to take care of you. The other part of it is that he wanted someone to do that for him when he was depressed and suicidal. He wanted someone to sweep him of his feet, to take care of him so he didn’t have to think about anything else; someone that would just hug him and hold him and coddle him.

So, now, that’s who he is to you. And, if you don’t like it, well… Gawain thinks you’re too depressed and suicidal to really decide anything for yourself.

fujio watanabe ★ profile

Not to burst your bubble but oh my god, Fujio is definitely the type of person to be like Depressed? The fuck? Just go get a job or something, being depressed is for people who have too much time on their hands.

It really is unfortunate but Fujio isn’t going to take you seriously until he has to. 

This means he’ll brush you off until you try to kill yourself, you start hurting yourself physically, you start wasting away because you’re not taking care of yourself, etc. When your health starts being threatened in one way or another, Fujio will explode.

He’s always had a volatile temper and it’s ten times as worse when it comes to his precious darling. Nobody can hurt you, not even yourself.

So, then, he starts talking to people. Not professionals, unfortunately, but like people he knows at work or his boss or people he trains with. It’ll be super stupid, like he just comes out and says it, rolling his eyes like Can you believe this? Being suicidal? Depression? What a load of bullshit, amirite?

Except he’s not right and a lot of people in Lovelock, city notorious for its seedy underbelly, knows it. A lot of people Fujio works with used to be kids that wanted to die rather than continue living their terrible lives with abusive families or with no food on the table. Fujio would definitely be put in his place.

Then he finally understands. He finally realises that this is something he could lose you over. For Fujio, he’d be the type to immediately kidnap his darling so he doubles up on security. He baby proofs your room and you’re not allowed to go outside unless he’s there. 

Before, you kind of just had free reign and he let you do whatever as long as you let him know. Now, privileges are revoked. Not because it’s a punishment but because he’s worried you’ll end up hurting yourself.

He’d also be way nicer and gentler to you. It would surprise him since the main reason he ended up falling in love with you was because he felt like he didn’t need to walk on eggshells around you. But, instead of falling out of love, you encourage this weird feeling of overprotectiveness. All he wants to do now is take care of you.

ayaka yamato ★ profile

What do you mean you want to die? 

Ayaka wouldn’t be able to understand. Of course she wouldn’t. She’s lived a privileged life where, though her father’s a piece of shit, she’s had everything pretty much handed to her for free. Most people either always want to say yes to her or aren’t able to say no. What more could a lady want?

So, if she finds out that you’re depressed or suicidal, she’d panic a little. You’d think she’d be really conservative about it since she grew up in a conservative household. Something along the lines of you’re not depressed, you’re just being a snowflake. 

However, that’s actually the opposite case. Ayaka has never met anyone that’s made her feel the same way you make her feel and, if she has to believe you and do something about it, she will. Anything to keep you by her side.

She just doesn’t know what the fuck you’re talking about at first. So, to learn, she’ll consult her tutor, a doctor, anybody she can find; she’ll learn exactly what she’s supposed to do here, what you need, what she needs to force you to do or what she needs to let you do by yourself.

Surprisingly, for someone who’s never had to lift a single finger her entire life, Ayaka can be relentless and resourceful when she wants to be. She low-key dumps money on the problem which, most of the time, can be a bad idea.

However, with Ayaka, she throws money at the problem with all the love in her heart. She gets you the best therapist money can buy, she makes sure to take you to different places if need be or stay with you in your room if going outside is too much. She makes sure to find out exactly why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and she’ll put a stop to anything threatening your mental health.

(The one thing she won’t stop is bullying you but she definitely controls her tone in a way that makes it clear to you that she’s joking or teasing you. And, if you voice that you didn’t like something she said, unlike a normal darling, she’d definitely apologise and avoid saying it again in the future)

liam anthony arieh ★ profile

Liam is like a mix of Gawain and Fujio. Part of him is like Depression? Aren’t you being a special snowflake? But also part of him is like oh no, I was severely depressed and suicidal once! 

That first part of him comes from the fact that he had nobody to help him when he was depressed. When he wanted to die, the only thing stopping him was the fact that every single time he tried, he ended up in the hospital instead of in the morgue. It took him going through several attempts before he finally got a grip of himself and stopped.

It definitely took him a while to work through his depression and, even now, he sometimes makes suicidal jokes about how funny it would be if he blew his brains out with a gun or if he overdosed, etc. But he doesn’t want to seriously die now and he’s definitely far from depressed.

So, part of him expects you to go through that as well. Part of him thinks that the reason you’re depressed and suicidal is because you’re weak and you just need to get stronger.

However, the other part of him acknowledges that you’re weak. If you’re his darling, most likely the reason why you’ve piqued his interest is because, in his eyes, you are pure and innocent. In his eyes, you needed him to protect you from other people that wanted to do to you the same things he did but for the wrong reasons. 

In any case, his solution is surprisingly not to lock you up (if you aren’t already). He’ll definitely start stalking you hard or assigning employees to start trailing you and making sure you’re okay on days he’s not able to do so himself. He also tries to find a therapist but, specifically, a therapist that doesn’t mind breaking patient privilege. 

He needs control. He needs to be able to manouver you in the exact way he wants and depression? Depression makes you unpredictable. Depression makes it possible for you to be hurt by the one person he can’t completely protect you from: yourself.And he’d be damned if he lets anyone, especially yourself, take away the one good thing in Lovelock.

[satansaidmyturnintheh3llscape]

Everything Right/Wrong with Ninjago “Rise of the Serpentine” E9: The Royal Blacksmiths

Can’t wait to get flooded with hate comments from certain platforms for some of the things I say in this. This episode is gay as hell (and so am I); change my mind. Anyways, disclaimers: Show owned by LEGO. This is not a professional review/critique - it’s mainly intended for comedy.

Reblog, comment, like and/or follow for more!

- Theme ✅

- Why do the spikes stop before hitting the ground? Seems counter-productive ❌

- Yeah, no. There is no way Lloyd survives all of this. The only possible explanation would be - Idk - the world keeping him alive because he needs to fulfill some divine destiny or something, but it’s not like THAT would ever happen… ❌

- Also how does Lloyd get back to the Serpentine after this? His only path is blocked off by rocks ❌

- “His name was something like Dutch… no Clutch! Clutch Powers!” I understood that reference ✅

- Idk why but I hate the way that phone looks❌

- “There’s no such thing in Ninjago…” Wu says, as if Garmadon’s never lived in Ninjago?? ❌

- Wu has a katana strapped to his back yet still chooses to fight with whatever this thing is ^ ❌

- “What? You too good for the doorbell?… Use the bell, son!” I can’t f*cking breathe ✅

- Jay simply vibing to the music ✅

- “Is this why you came?” No, they already said they were here for the research paper ❌

- The way Jay got so excited to sing💀 ✅

- Also Kai and Zane just joining by instinct ✅

- “If my ears weren’t attached to my head they’d be running away!” Jeez dude chill

- “Kai: Love the energy, hate the hair.” This is exactly what I imagine runs through the mind of your average Kai stan

- “He’s worse than Sensei Wu!” At least he gives actual advice and pointers and is direct about them. That’s more than I remember Wu doing. ❌

- “Many professionals have dare try, but it’s never been successfully completed.” Why would someone create a dance move that even they couldn’t pull off??? ❌

- “It’s cuz Twinkle Toes here couldn’t deliver the goods,” Jay is a d!ck ❌

- Also, Jay VA appreciation ✅

- “I’m starting to think we can win this thing…” You’re a group of 4 teens who have a day to train and you’re going against teams of professionals that have been practicing for probably months now. In what world do you stand a chance? ❌

- Wait, why are they practicing outside now? ❌

- “Though we live in two different worlds, I still see good in your heart brother.” I love that Wu says this mere seconds before getting punted off a cliff ✅

- Also, why did Garmadon push him? Dramatic effect? I mean it’s not out of character but it still seems excessive. ❌

- ^Why does this one building look like a LEGO figure stuck upside down? ❌

- How inconvenient of Cole to loudly explain their entire plan in this room filled with people ❌

- Also, how is Lou the only one to hear this? ❌

- Trans masc Cole is real ✅

- “I’m not going to wait around to watch you make a mockery of our family’s legacy!” Imagine telling your dad that you’re a firefighter or something and he tells you you’re a disappointment because he wanted you to become a freelance artist ❌

- ^ You know those images that “cure depression?” Well, this is the opposite ❌

- “Treble Makers?” Look, I know this probably wasn’t a Pitch Perfect reference… but I’m still gonna treat it like it is ✅

- Aaaaaaaannnnddddd v*re is canon ❌

- “I have butterflies in my stomach!” “Oh, that’s just nerves!” “No. I really do have butterflies…” “… Oookay, glad he got that out of his system.” I’m sorry but I can’t even sin this I legit can’t watch this scene without laughing ✅

- I know some people think it’s cringey but this performance scene gives me so much dopamine I can’t not win it ✅

- ^ this image ✅

- Zane moon walking ✅

- “Rawr…” Well this definitely made some fans choke on their drinks ✅

- Look, there’s nothing gay about hugging your homies after winning a talent show… BUT there IS something gay about hugging your homie while affectionately nuzzling your face into their side. Anyways, make Lava canon 2022 ✅

- Also, Jay winks at Cole? Gasp! Is Jay a lava shipper? ✅

- How convenient of Pythor to write the 0 so off-center that it makes it very easy for someone to write a 1 directly in front of it ❌

- How long was this dude’s arm?!?!?! ❌

- True potential scene ✅

- It’s cool that they won the competition and all, but I still think it would’ve been funnier and more realistic if the ninja lost completely and just stole it anyway. ❌

Sentence: *clears throat* Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy-

[jtkys]

I know we all make jokes about depression but shit bro. It’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s literally like..??? I need to rant rn

(This is my rant about my personal experience with depression, I don’t speak for everyone with depression or anything like that. This is simply my experience) TW FOR MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SH, AND SUICIDE.

I was in a depressive episode earlier this year. From around December 2022 to may 2023. And Jesus Christ, bro.

Everything felt cold. I don’t know how else to describe it- very legitimately, it’s how people describe it to you. But it’s so different and real when you experience it first hand. Maybe it was because it was winter, but it all felt so cold and lonely. It very literally feels like you’re disconnected from everything, as in I feel like I wasn’t present for most of it. Like I was watching through a sort of screen in my head and acting based on what I know to be right, acting impulsively on second nature rather than thinking things out, being aware of my surroundings or what I was doing. Walking to places, listening to music, I wasn’t THERE. The only moments I ever felt aware of where I was or what I felt was when I had breakdowns, from arguments with my dad to when I self harmed, to when I had to scream and beg not to go into school. I remember sobbing on my bedroom floor, slits all over my arms, just begging to feel better. Literally desperately clawing and praying for any god that might possibly exist to make me genuinely happy, to make things go back to normal again. Honestly it feels distant when others describe it to you. When people talk to you about depression and etc, it’s completely normal to just say “I’m sorry you had to go through that” or something similar, something along those lines.

But when you actually experience it, it feels so personal. It feels like it’s you entirely, like there is no getting better: like everyone and everything is doomed and that you’ll never be happy again. Ofcourse, this isn’t true, but it’s what it FEELS like. And the physical affects of it?? I lost a lot of sleep because of breakdowns, and didn’t take good care of myself: went days without showering, eating, brushing my teeth or changing my clothes. It was constant fatigue, tiredness, this ache of pain and tiredness in my chest. I was very literally rotting away in my room. Every morning when I woke up, when I was supposed to go to school, my mum had an alarm with a particular noise set. Whenever I hear that alarm now, there’s a sort of ache of panic in my chest. Very reminiscent to the panic and overwhelming sadness I felt when I woke up every morning, knowing I would have to push on ANOTHER day with this aching feeling. It’s even worse when it seems that nobody understands: genuinely, if you have a friend who has experienced depression or is experiencing it, my only advice is listen. I wasn’t listened to, people didn’t understand how I was feeling and dismissed it as “hormones” or just “bad days”, but it was one of the lowest points in my life I think I’ve ever experienced. I don’t think I can genuinely convey or express how I would rather be thrown into a cage with a hungry lion than ever experience that again.

[the-blind-assassin-12]

Could It Be More?

Writer’s Iron Chef #5 

A/N: After listening to the song for this prompt until I had tears in my eyes, I landed on Frankie (again). This is not exactly how I hoped this would turn out, but I ran with it anyway because that’s what this challenge is all about. This sort of relates to the pieces I’ve already written for Frankie, though it absolutely can be read as a stand alone. *Thank you to @littleferal​ for hosting this event/challenge!!* 

Word Count: 1k 

Warnings: discussion of PTSD, violence, depression, this one is very angsty but with a little twist of hope

Prompt: Devil That I Know by Jacob Banks  “And oh, what a way to die Standing eye to eye, Pretending we’re alive as we grow colder

And oh, the devil that I know, Is better than the devil that I don’t”

It was supposed to be the golden ticket. The one way trip. The escape rope to pull them out of the sinkhole their lives had become since leaving the service. That one last job that was going to set them up for life. 

And we all fucking bought into it. 

Frankie lifted his beer and took a long pull, letting the cold liquid slide down his throat. He’d lost track of how many he’d drained and how long ago they lost their taste. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t drinking for the flavor, or for fun. He was drinking to forget. To silence the swarm of regrets and doubts and questions. He was drinking to numb his brain - if he could still think, it was a problem. 

Because now that the job was done there was nothing on the horizon to treat as a checkpoint or a goal. No distractions, no imminent danger to escape or mission to complete. It was back to life as he knew it. Only we’re all worse off than we were before. 

He didn’t blame Pope for what happened, though. None of us do. None of them had been doing well before the man’s texts about Lorea and the intel he’d collected. He himself had never come home - and not just in the metaphorical sense, not the way some people say that soldiers never leave the battlefield. He had opted to stay in South America, working on his own to complete missions they’d collectively failed to finish while wearing the stars and stripes on their shoulders. He’d gone radio silent for so long that the rest of the group - though they’d never say it out loud - assumed that he was dead, the jungle claiming another lost soul. 

Tom’s family life had suffered irreparable damage, because he did come home, but he came home different - angry and distant. His marriage ended as a result and his relationship with his daughter turned sour in the aftermath. 

Will was doing his best to put on a face that wasn’t his, giving speeches about how to handle PTSD and life after the service. He had always been good at public speaking, could always command an audience’s attention and convey the points he was meant to. But he didn’t truly believe in the things he said to the rooms full of men and women that he spoke in front of. He hoped he could help others - that maybe there were some vets out there that hadn’t fallen as deep into the funnel as he had. But he still had episodes of panic and rage. He still counted everything he came across and scanned every room he ever entered for exits and determined how he’d dispatch random strangers in the cereal aisle if it came to that. 

And Benny? Benny was never going to make it as a professional fighter. He’d given his prime years to the military, and while he was still young, his training pedigree just couldn’t compete with some of the guys he got into the ring with. He was good enough to score fights on a few cards here and there. Good enough to win a few of them, even. But in the long run all he was ever going to get out of his boxing career was CTE. 

So when they finally heard what their friend - the ghost who came back from the jungle - had to say, it was almost a guarantee that they’d be in. The chance to do something that they excelled at once more, the chance to get back to what they knew they were good at… it was just too appealing to pass up. A shiny lure that they all just had to follow, even though they knew. 

Deep down, they knew that it wouldn’t get them out. It would only pull them further in. 

In the locker room at Benny’s fight. At the bar when they got down to run their recon. In Lorea’s gasoline soaked house. Around the campfire in the mountains. They’d all looked death in the face plenty of times. But those times, they saw it reflected in each other’s faces, and they all dove in together anyway. 

Can’t fucking stay out of it if we tried. He took another long slug of something cold that tickled his brain. None of us wanted out, because none of us knew what to do with ourselves. That’s why we all jumped in so fast.

None of them were going to say no. Even when we all did say no we… He set the empty bottle down and shoved it across the bar. We didn’t mean it. 

Though he’d tried to do the right thing and stay out of it for Ollie’s sake - Tori had completely let him go by then and Frankie knew that she had every right to stop giving him chances - he still let himself get sucked in, dragged down, back to the place he tried to tell himself that he wanted to leave. 

But maybe there's no getting out for some guys. Maybe this is all there is for people like us…. Like me. 

Or like Benny - who went right back to the gym to train for a fight that he would be outmatched in. 

Or Will - who quit the speeches… and retreated even further into his own personal darkness. 

Or Pope - who disappeared again, this time chasing after Yovanna. But Frankie knew he was chasing what the woman knew just as much as he was chasing her. Maybe more so. 

But if that were the case then why did you give him the time of day? If he was a lost cause, why would you be trying to help him find his way? He was too drunk to consider it, and quite honestly he’d been that way for most of the time since they’d been home. But in the back of his mind, in that tiny sober corner that was still trying to get his attention, he couldn’t help but wonder… 

Could it be more? 

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tags:  @something-tofightfor @paracosmenthusiast @cannedsoupsucks @dihra-vesa @disgruntledspacedad @littlemisspascal @alraedesigns @mishasminion360 @stevie75​ @nyctophiliiiiaaa @practicalghost @tanzthompson @amb11@hariedandharrassed @woodlandmouth @swtaura @thescarletfang @trickstersp8 @princessxkenobi @imtryingmybeskar @wildmoonflower @mswarriorbabe80

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Well, I'm finally manic. I've been stuck in a depressive episode for seven months. I couldn't write at all. I was so apathetic. The only thing I could do was complain on my blog about my boyfriend. Well good news guys. Life is looking up in alot of ways and there are some downs. The ups. My relationship is amazing. I stopped splitting on my boyfriend. He really is the best thing to ever happen to me. Even my sister finally said she wants to meet him because she's seen how much I've changed and grown up. Besides that bout of splitting on my boyfriend. Yes that still happened but the way I handled it was way different than how I would have in the past. I don't degrade him, call him names, yell at him. I'm not mean to him just because I've split on him. I'm distant as hell. I don't say things I don't mean anymore because I've lost so many people by doing that. I wrote on here. An anonymous blog. Also my work is improving. I'm taking it seriously. Going in 4-5 days a week. Working an actual shift. In just a week and a half of consistency I've made more in a week than I ever did in a month. It's awesome! In my new place I have a little fridge in my room and for the first time it has food in it. Paid for with my own money. My boyfriend has been helping me with alot of stuff cuz I was struggling financially. But now I'm good again! If I keep doing what I'm doing ill be perfectly fine when it comes to financial struggling. I made a new friend. She's the one helping me with all this. This whole move and meeting her triggered my manic episode and it's great. I feel amazing. Things feel good. It's been 2 weeks and I haven't fully unpacked until today. I started my period and took the day off. So I finally made my room my little home. It looks fucking awesome. I feel comfy here now. It feels like my space. The roommates are really awesome. They are a lesbian Trans couple. Some people would be weird about it but so far they are the best roommates I've ever had. I like it better living with women. Every man I've lived with after leaving my mom's house was a nightmare. I've moved seven times in two years. Every single place was terrible. Not the place, the roommates. So I'm glad to have good roommates now. Okay so now the bad news. My mom might have uterine cancer. I had an episode in the car on the way home after being told that news. Everything just hit me at once when I realized there might be a timer on my mom's life. Something I've kept myself awake at night thinking about. I've heard the prognosis is good but when I freaked I didn't know that. My life with my mom flashed before my eyes. In my head every memory was coming out and playing at once but I can see all of them. Every good thing, bad thing. Then I thought of the fact that our relationship is messed up and so much time has been wasted not being in her life. Then regret that I wasted that time over stupid shit, but it wasn't stupid shit. They were legit reasons to be angry with her. The things she's done wrong were wrong but I forgave her but a tiny percent of me wishes she would take accountability. Only now I can't want that because why would you want to make a dying person, your mom, feel any worse than they already do knowing they are dying. So I have to let it go. Stop expecting that long talk and just let go and be in the moment. Yet it hurts that I no longer can expect it. It's a mess I know. I don't know what to think about it.

[rianafying]

you know what the thing is? the thing is that i can feel that i am better, so much better, but not done. i’m not there, i haven’t healed, and i don’t know if there is a destination called healed or if it’s an eternal journey. but i feel terribly lonely and incapable today. but still completely full of hope and patience. because i have had the most wonderful time so far this year and i know that it’s just a matter of time before i feel better again. i just have to rest before my strength returns. it’s been a rough life but i’ve been kind and patient and resilient, and i’ve made it out mostly. i’m in the good times now. the worst is in the past. i could be as happy as anyone else. i could be in love, i’m fulfilling my dreams. i’ll fail and i’ll lose and i’ll get back up. i just need to wait this out. this terrible blip in my good life. it is making me want to overeat to drown out my misery but i’m trying to eat the normal amount. trying to eat well, and to take care of myself. i feel kind of unattractive lately. and i can’t find the energy to do my beautifying ritual. i actually haven’t taken a shower in two days, i don’t think this will turn into a depressive episode but honestly if it does i’ll manage. i’ve been through so much worse. this is my journal and i don’t have to worry about how i look or sound in here because i know my intentions are and have always been good. i just want the best for myself and everyone else. if hyping myself is what i need, that is what i will do. i’m ridiculously hot, i’m driven and im talented and im capable, and im creative, thoughtful, kind, resilient, and i deserve to be happy. i love myself. that’s the only love i really need, my own. and my inner child is upset this week and i will handle her with care. everything is going to be okay, i am safe, i healthy, im trying my best. that is the most anyone can do. i dont need anyone else to understand me. i’m going to be okay. my friends love me, my sister loves me, i am appreciated and missed and i love them. this is my place in the world. i deserve to stay alive and eat and sleep and study and to fail and learn from my mistakes. i’ll take care of my health again and as a bonus, im not starting from square one this time. my room is relatively clean. my finances are good. my fridge is stocked. my rent and bills are paid. it’s going to be okay.

and about not feeling like i’m good enough or capable enough, well nobody is born capable, people learn and i can learn and i can get better. it’s just a matter of learning more and practicing more, and it’s all so much easier when my mental health is better.

i’ve been eating through my telstra data like crazy. but what can a girl do you know. gotta use the internet. anyway, i’m trying to get up and do something. i don’t really want to bed rot. and as useless as it might seem to get dressed and go out, i should still do it, even if it doesn’t make me feel better. my heart is sad, i can physically feel it. can’t let a stranger make me this sad. ever. this is not who we are. we’re cool and fun and strong!!!!! everything will be okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im literally happier than most people i know. and not in an ignorant and oblivious way. i’m happy in a reborn after a thousand painful deaths kind of way. i’ve made my peace with this world kind of way. i have found my place in the family of things kind of way. to love live even when i have no taste for it kind of way. not just despite the misery but because of it.

and besides i can use this sadness to my advantage. really listen to the sad playlists and let the songs hit.

[nsk96]

Another rant post because the negativity is hitting hard this month apparently. Long depressing stuff below

I feel bad about having to vent here but I can't keep a physical diary. Not to mention I lost all my diary entries from childhood because I had to tear up my diary in middle school when my parents tried to read it. To avoid something like that every happening again, I have to write everything here.

After making an update to my previous rant post, I didn't think I'd need to make another one so soon. My mom doesn't understand why I've been depressed this month and I can't tell her because she won't be able to handle the fact that it's mostly because of her. Also, I honestly hate that she says the phrase "acting depressed". Does she not believe that I'm actually depressed? Is she really equating my symptoms to the manipulation tactics of my dad? I hate that whenever I do something that she doesn't agree with, she has to say "you're getting like your father." Or does she think that she's the only one in the house with depression?

And why is she taking my depressive episode so personally? I just want some distance and space to process my emotions and she thinks crowding me asking me for answers is gonna somehow alleviate the situation? I told her I've always been dealing with this and that it comes in cycles (it started in high school around 2012). I tried my best to explain it to her and told her she didn't notice the other times. She said she did notice the other times, which I think is a lie. Maybe she noticed the minor symptoms but didn't know what it actually was (I always hid it but some things would break through). And she was like, "but this time was much worse." It only seemed worse because this time I wasn't trying to hide it. Yes, compared to previous years, the heaviness of it is worse but I've done well at hiding it. But nowadays, I'm beyond exhausted and burnt out, it's bad enough I have to hide it when I'm with my friends or among my classmates. When I get home I just want to exist alone for a few hours without someone barging in on my privacy and I just want not having to report to someone about my day. Honestly, when I am like this, I just want silence and peace. This is one of the reasons I've been wanting to move out (with a loan from my school). Just some time to decompress without someone invalidating my feelings all the time.

And it bugs me that she thinks she has me figured out. I said to her that I think I may need antidepressants and tried to explain the biology behind depression. Her answer to me was "exercise." Exercise where? Our treadmill is in the 108'F garage covered up with bags of clothes and heaven knows what. There is no space in my room to even do the toning exercises I used to do. The gazelle machine and the floor bike do nothing for me. Before we moved here, she convinced me to get rid of the weight-lifting mechanism we had because "we won't have place for it. It's either that or the treadmill." And she doesn't want me going to a gym because apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with me traveling anywhere alone besides school. A year after we moved here, we agreed to start going to a gym. When we arrived at the gym parking lot, she chickened out before we even got halfway across the parking lot and we returned to the car. "This is not a good area" she said as if she didn't already know before we got there. Every time she tells me to exercise, it's like a slap in the face. Today she was like "we can go for walks". When? When will we go for walks when both of us of difficulty getting up early on a weekend? I can handle getting up early but I don't ever see her get up earlier than 6 or 7 am unless she absolutely had to for a medical appointment or something super important. Though I understand it's not her fault but offering to go on walks with me is unrealistic.

So I was on my way back to my room and said, "I'll just join a gym then." She laughed and asked when I would go to a gym and reminded me that I don't have time to go, basically mocking how studying takes up all my time and said something along the lines of "unrealistic expectations". As if she doesn't know why studying takes up all my time. As if I haven't had this conversation with her enough times already. I replied, "I'll have the time when I get Adderall." She jokingly said, "so you're going to be one of those people who are on medications their whole life." I replied, "I'm done explaining this to you" before closing my door. Apparently she didn't hear that part and walked over to my door asking me what I said. I decided not to tell her and said I don't remember. She said, "You don't remember or you don't want to tell me?" I softly said, "I don't want to tell you," as I slowly and carefully closed the door.

I went to take a nap after, even though it was hard to fall asleep after this whole exchange. I was so physically exhausted but my mind just couldn't let go of what she said about me being on medication for my whole life. As if using the medication needed to function like a normal person is a bad thing? Like antidepressants would worsen my condition? I feel like it can't get any worse than it already has when I'm already having THOSE thoughts, and I learned that if I gotten treated early on closer to when it started, the chances of me having another episode would have decreased significantly. It's possible it wouldn't have gotten to this point.

It was easier to prevent or ignore back in undergrad because back then, there was time to do things that made me happy. Now in pharmacy school, I don't have the time do the things that make me happy. To make the time for it, means sacrificing study time that I desperately need. And I guess I wasn't as affected by my inattention issues back in undergrad because there was room for error. I still failed 3 classes over the course of 4.5 years, but there was more time overall to make up for the study time lost to my inattention issues. Not to mention, being able to hyperfocus the night before deadlines and exams to complete assignments or cram for exams. That ability seems to have decreased a lot, the more burnt out I am.

Nowadays, it's super rare for me to be able to hyperfocus. And now in pharmacy school, there isn't room for error and I'm sinking. I saw my GPA last week for the first time since spring semester. I'm at a 2.9. That's nowhere near competitive enough for getting residency. My sole goal when coming to pharmacy school, was to become a hospital pharmacist and apparently I can't do that without residency. I know there are other factors that go into choosing candidates, but how many are going to look at my GPA and decide to look at the rest of my qualifications? With a 3.0 they might take a chance but I'm already at 2.9 and it's going to decrease even more once grades go in at the end of this semester.

I attended a residency information session and it was advised that I should explain the reason for my low GPA in the letter portion...but how am I going to explain this? Undiagnosed mental disability that was ignored by my mom (who has sadly been my only support system) my whole life no matter how much I struggled, no matter how many times I wanted to give up, no matter how many times I brought up to her that I wanted help with this? Instead, it feels like it's just a joke to her.

I don't know, maybe treating things as a joke is her way to cope with not knowing what to do but at the same time it doesn't feel like she actually cares about what's going on in my head (her famous line "I don't understand you" while not making the effort to actually know me, or not making me feel safe enough to open up. I'm now 27 and finally opened up to her about being SAd at age 5 (only after she opened up about a doctor SAing her), which convinced her that I should get therapy...only for her to then change her mind again a month later telling me to wait until I get a job before going to therapy. And she doesn't expect me to get worse? After this I decided to not tell her any more about me. Up until this point, I was right not to open up to her about anything).

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but it's been difficult especially with the hurtful/thoughtless things she has said and continues to say. She contacted the insurance company on my behalf, and helped me make an account to start searching for professionals in our insurance network, which I'm thankful for, but she only did that after I came home this month having an emotional breakdown and told her that this was normal for me but usually in the night. From the things she has said, it feels like she doesn't actually take it seriously and it feels like she only helped just because it's something I asked for, not because it's something I needed.

[88m33]

October 21, 2022

No one tells you how much worse the depressive episodes are when you can recognize them.

An intrusive thought weasels its way into your brain like a worm devouring a good apple. It starts when something like, "I don't really want to go to that event I was excited about last week." And when you've been learning to weed out the bad thoughts from the good, that sentence is a huge red flag. You know the depression is developing quicker than you originally thought when it's followed up by: "I just want to sit in the bathtub all night. Or bed."

I immediately went to the Internet for help--the good Internet. I didn't consult TikTok, don't worry. Obviously, the first piece of advice is always to go to your therapist, but I'm not in a place where I can get or talk to one.

Next is to let the people close to you know. And that is so much harder than you'd think. When your family is in an already super unstable place, telling your mom that you don't want to do anything and it's taking everything in you not to book a plane ticket so you can feel alive is maybe not the best idea. So I told my best friend. I told him that it's gonna be hard for me to reach out so be patient with me and I don't know how long this episode is going to last. He was very understanding and I love him for it.

The last piece of advice is to not self-isolate. That is easily the most difficult thing to do when depressed. Like, you're going to tell the person who doesn't even want to see their friends because they think everyone hates them to not self-isolate??? Okay, thanks for giving me unattainable expectations. So, I asked a friend to the mall for lunch and to help me look for suits for work. I have been going to events that I didn't want to go to. My sister's volleyball senior night was last night and I went even though I knew I was going to be extremely overstimulated and irritable and anxious.

The worst part has been trying to navigate this flirting situation with someone. When it was just a crush from afar, it wasn't a big deal. If he didn't reciprocate, it wasn't the end of the world. Then we got formally introduced and started actually interacting and it was exciting and it was fun. I didn't feel insecure and scared if he didn't like me back because it didn't matter that much and it's not like I was doing anything that would make our relationship weird if we stopped flirting.

And then the depressive episode hits and I can't stop overthinking everything. He gives me the littlest bit of attention and I become desperate for it. When another interaction goes by without a phone number exchange, suddenly I'm a disgusting creature unworthy of love in my own head. I'm terrified of making any sort of advance because rejection means so much more now. And I know none of it is true, but there is such a deep-rooted fear now and I don't have time for rejection recovery right now. Every thought is just, "Why would you ever think he would like you? What do you have to offer other than this sadness? What's going to happen when you tell him you're bipolar and he leaves you? What are you going to do then?"

I think I'm even more terrified of learning to cope with these episodes alone. I'm moving out of my parent's house next spring and I'll be in a different city so far away without them and when I suddenly feel worthless and burnt out, how am I supposed to take good care of myself? The only thing that's kept me somewhat productive and functioning during these episodes is that someone in this house has to get up and clean the kitchen. When I'm only cleaning for myself, am I going to be able to? When there's no one to work through the depression for other than myself, am I going to? Of course, I'd love to say yes, but the state of my bedroom would beg to differ.

I have to leave for work in four hours. I think I'm going to clean up the kitchen and my room and then I'm going to paint my nails and make sure I look really nice so at least the depression can't say I'm not productive and pretty. Also the new Taylor Swift album on repeat.

[t0rschlusspan1k]

If I needed any further proof that my mother doesn't care about my well-being, this is it. I asked her not to talk so casually about the most terrifying moment of my life, about the place that left me scarred and crooked, mentally and physically, and her reaction was to downplay everything and tell me I was overreacting because "that's a part of my life I just need to accept". Whatever happened during and after that time is still causing me breakdowns and depressive episodes worse than those I already had normally, even after one year and a half. I still don't recognise myself, my face or my body or whatever is left of me. It ruined me physically to the point where I lost my autonomy. I had to go to the bathroom to take some deep breaths and try not to hurt myself - I still slammed my head against the wall so hard that I felt like my nose was about to start bleeding for several minutes, and weak and confused in general. There's no way I will ever recover from anything. I already had no chance. And then there's her, there's this joke of a family. And I have to hear people telling me she cares about me. She doesn't. Nobody in this family cares about anybody else. Especially for me. And this is what I get for allowing myself to feel something positive for once.

Moreover, an hour or so after this she had to come in my room pretending she was suddenly worried about me. She just wanted to tell me she's starting singing lessons next week and she's so excited. This is the same person who screamed in my face that singing, the only thing that made my life bearable, was completely useless and that it would have been better if I had given up (and I had already given up after I had had yet another trauma in regards to the lessons with the person that was my vocal coach at the time, that worsened my depression to the point were my therapist kept insisting more and more that I needed to go inpatient as soon as possible).

And I should be happy for her.

[winter-soldier-vibes]

hi! request for one where reader struggles w depression a lot but hides it, tho it’s been getting worse recently and only bucky has noticed the small signs. then one night after no one seeing her the whole day or maybe something happened he went to check on her but she wasn’t in her room and he panics only to find her on the roof and just talks her down <3 all the love

Of course! I hope you're okay love❤❤❤. I saw another anon request something a lil similar in my ask box but I can't find it, maybe it got eaten, but I hope you like this!

Word count: 3,400 (ish)

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, depression, close to an attempt, Bucky talks about HYDRA, feelings of worthlessness.

A/N: This deals with very heavy subject matter, please do not read if you are in a dark place. I am here to talk if you want but I encourage you that if you feel this way in ANY way, no matter how severe, to reach out to someone. I also just wanted to say that the way someone talks someone down is never the same, some people may find a different approach more helpful or realistic. I wrote it this way because this is what I feel in my experience would have been helpful to hear. So please, if you don’t think it’s the way someone should talk someone down - please don’t come at me for it.

Overnight

People often don’t notice the small signs. The smiles that don’t reach the eyes, the dark circles from lack of sleep, the laughs that slowly become more forced. People don’t often pick up on those things right away. They happen slowly, as depression will often manifest. It’s rarely ever a flip of a switch shut down, happy one day and sad the net. Anxiety was like that, small things can trigger panic attacks. But with depression, it was this slow ache that grew in your chest, this dull cloud that made everything darker day by day.

These things rarely happen overnight.

You don’t know what caused this episode. You had struggled with depression and would go through some really low episodes before returning to baseline. It was never great, but it was...manageable. Most of the time. Some things could help you predict when you would go into another episode but you felt yourself slipping and you weren’t quite sure why.

You started withdrawing from the team. Subtly, not all at once. That would cause too much concern and the last thing you wanted was to be a burden. Especially with something like this, you didn’t even have an explanation.

It started slow, training on your own, missing team dinners, that sort of thing. If they were going out to celebrate or staying in for a movie you would slip away to your room where you didn’t have to worry about hiding it.

You didn’t want to be alone, you already felt so goddamn lonely. But somehow being lonely and surrounded by people who loved you hurt more.

The team chalked it up to you wanting to be alone, a bad day, being tired, etc. Whatever recycled excuse you gave them didn’t phase them. At least, not at first.

See, people who have experienced similar things will pick up in the small signs that others show. Someone who knows what anxiety is like will often be the first to pick up on nervous habits and tics. Often people notice when someone’s energy is coming from adrenaline and caffeine rather than sleep when they’ve done the same thing. Someone who knows what it’s like to feel hopeless and not want to reach out - they notice the small signs of withdrawing.

He noticed pretty early on the change in your demeanor. You had always been one to keep to yourself but this was different. You always seemed exhausted in a way that sleep couldn’t ever fix. Your laugh wasn’t quite the way it used to be, now forced and short, not the usual bubbly laugh it was.

Most people are able to just live and go about daily functions - eating, sleeping - it just came naturally to them. Surviving was natural to them. But it seemed like you had to put thought and effort into surviving.

Which, you were.

Slowly it became hard to motivate yourself to do the basic things to take care of yourself. You would do the bare minimum because you had to, but even that was starting to take more effort than it should. You were eating less because you just weren’t that hungry, but you still did because you knew if you didn’t you’d get sick eventually. You spent as much time in your bed as possible, but not much of it was sleeping.

Bucky picked up on these things and came up to talk to you about them, but you’d smile and shake your head.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired I guess.”

You weren’t lying, you were tired - emotionally more than physically.

Tired of more than what the day brought - tired of yourself, of your emotions. Tired of the way you felt so out of touch with yourself, out of control. Tired of how you wanted to get better but no matter what you did, it still came back. You were so tired of being exhausted all the time and there was nothing you could do about it.

You were tired of living this way.

You weren’t necessarily suicidal, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to live. You just didn’t want to live this life, not like this. You were so utterly exhausted day in and day out, every day was about getting to the end of it. Everything seemed pointless and you felt like you were watching life go by but you weren’t living it.

You were surviving. And you didn’t see much of a point to it anymore.

Your mask was cracking. And people were noticing.

Maybe it was when you were falling asleep during mission briefings, or nearly passing out in training because you had forgotten to eat. Maybe it was how no one saw you anywhere that wasn’t necessary. The team passed it off as a bad day or week, something you would get over because you were strong.

But apparently not the strong that you needed to be. You could fight off agents, assassins, you could run for miles. But you couldn’t stop your mind from telling you that life was pointless and you were a waste of space. But the team wrote it off as a bad week. But Bucky knew that this had been going on for much longer than a week.

These things rarely happen overnight.

Too many people were asking you if you were okay, and you weren’t, but you didn’t know how to say it. But you thought that if you had to choke out one more “I’m fine,” you would shatter. And you weren’t ready for everyone to see that.

You stopped coming out of your room unless it was for the bare necessities. You would come out at night for water and food, picking at it in your room so that no one would see you.

But that only made Bucky worry more.

The team, again, wrote it off as you needing some “Alone time” because maybe you just had a “bad day”. Of course they worried about you but they thought that if things were bad, or if there was something you needed help with, you would speak up. Because that’s what you did.

But Bucky was worried. He knew that when someone pushes people away, they may think being alone will help, but it only makes it worse. You may not want to talk to anyone, you may think being alone is what’s best. But it rarely is.

Being alone makes it harder to fight your demons. They can run rampant when given the chance. Being alone is the darkest and loneliest hell, and he knew that all too well.

He wasn’t going to leave you alone in that.

He came up to your room one night, wanting to check on you. He knocked on your door, being met with silence. He knocked again, calling your name, but was again met with silence. He tried the doorknob and found it unlocked, opening the door to an empty room.

Where the hell were you?

You weren’t anywhere else in the tower, so where were you?

Bucky stood there for a moment, confused before he remembered the AI system. “F.R.I.D.A.Y.Where's y/n?”

“I believe that they were heading up to the rooftop about a half-hour ago.”

Bucky’s eyes widened as he sprinted out the hallway and towards the stairs.

---

You looked out over the street, arms crossed over your shivering body. For now, you just looked down at the city below. You chuckled bitterly to yourself. There must have been thousands of people down there, thousands of lives, and you wondered how many people felt the way you did right now. So much hustle and bustle, things to do and places to be. You didn’t know a single person down there, it was just a blur of movement. Yet they all had their own personal stories and hells and blessings and shit that made them who they were.

You wondered how many of them pretended like they were fine.

You were standing closer to the edge than you should’ve been. You weren’t doing yourself any favors. You really shouldn’t be up here, but you didn’t know what else to do. Everything hurt all the time and it was just getting worse. You didn’t know whether or not you were gonna jump but here you were, teetering on the edge. Because no matter how much this hurt you still couldn’t bring yourself to fall forward.

You were scared.

You felt tears sting your eyes, angry, exhausted, everything - you couldn’t do anything right anymore, you felt no purpose, you were tired and scared all of the time. You felt so utterly done with everything, yet here you were with a way out and you were too scared of that too.

You were trapped in your body, trapped in your life, and while you didn’t want to die, you didn’t want it to hurt anymore. It wasn’t that you had nothing to live for. It wasn’t that you had nothing left. You knew you did, you knew the team was there for you. You had more support than you could ever need. But you didn’t know how to use them.

You didn’t even know how this happened. How did things get this bad? You remembered when you were happy, the person you used to be. The person everyone still seemed to think you were. Where did they go? What happened to them? And would you ever be able to be that person again?

Did it even matter? Would anyone even care or notice? They did a great job at ignoring what had been happening. Not that you wanted them to find out in the first place. It was so confusing, you wanted to scream for help, you wanted someone to just fucking notice or something. But didn’t you also answer every single “Are you okay?” with "Oh yeah I’m fine, just a little tired.”

So did you truly want them to know? Did you actually want them to notice or help?

You closed your eyes tightly, shaking your head a little to yourself. It was all so confusing, so frustrating. You didn’t know what to do. You felt completely trapped within yourself.

These things rarely happen overnight. And they never get better overnight either.

You took a breath as you looked down, toes slightly off of the ledge. One step or losing your balance would be all it would take. And then it would be over. Forever. It wouldn’t hurt anymore.

“Y/n?” you heard a calm, albeit nervous voice speak from behind you.

You felt your breath catch in your throat. As you squeezed your eyes shut. “No,” you whispered to yourself.

“Y/n, can you come down from there?”

“Why are you here?” you asked, voice strained with pain.

“Because I’m worried about you,” he said, voice sounding closer.

“I don’t want you to be worried about me! I never wanted anyone to worry about me!” you exclaimed.

“And where did not talking about what was bothering you get you?”

“No one would ever have to worry about me again. Not anymore.”

“No one on the team would ever be able to stop thinking about you,” Bucky started, walking closer to you. He spoke gently, worried he would scare you or you would suddenly jump off. “About how we should’ve worried about you. Everyone would blame themselves and ask themselves if they could’ve helped you if they had seen you were hurting.”

You heard his footsteps stop.

“This isn’t going to solve anything.”

You took a shaky breath. “What else am I supposed to do, huh?” you turned around, back facing the streets below as Bucky stood a few feet in front of you. “Pretend like this is gonna get better? Because it isn’t. I’m so sick and tired of pretending like one day everything’s gonna be okay again. It never stops hurting, it never turns off, and I can’t do it anymore!” you yelled, tears streaming down your face. You shook your head. “I know this won’t solve jack shit and it probably makes me weak, but I’m okay with that. Because I’m past the point of wanting to solve anything. I just want it to stop! Is that too much to ask?!”

“It is if your life is the price!” Bucky exclaimed. “We can’t lose you. You’re a part of this team - this family,” he said a little more calmly, trying to keep his own tears at bay. No one should go through feeling so hopeless, and you were one of the kindest people he knew.

But some of the most kind-hearted people are the meanest people to themselves.

“I’m not here to judge you or try to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I’m not gonna tell you life is all beauty and grace because it isn’t. It’s okay to be in pain but this is not the way to fix it. I just wanna help you.”

You shook your head. “No one can help me.”

“At least let me try,” he said gently.

“You don’t understand okay? It never stops hurting,” you said, voice cracking slightly. “It always hurts and it's this ache in my chest and I feel like I’m suffocating. No one told me that life was going to hurt, no one fucking told me! They say life isn’t fair, or that life may sometimes bring you down, but they never said that existing would be torture. And I don’t want to keep living if it’s going to hurt this much.”

You saw Bucky’s face fall and you shook your head. “Please just go - You weren’t supposed to see this.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’d rather see you at your worst than not see you at all,” he said. “You don’t have to do this yourself. I know it may seem like you do but you don’t. You never had to, and you never will have to. You have me, us, the team - we’re all here for you but we can’t if you don’t let us. But I’m not leaving you. You’ve been alone for too long already.”

You felt a new lump in your throat, feeling overwhelmed. Trapped between death and your worst nightmare. You never wanted to be vulnerable, you never wanted to hurt anyone with your own pain. But hearing Bucky’s words, seeing the panic in his eyes -

You had already hurt him. And he was right - killing yourself was only going to hurt the team more.

But it just hurt so much.

You had heard it so many times - “think about the impact you’ll have on those you love”, or how “suicide is selfish” and shit - made you feel like a horrible person. Because you did care about everyone, you cared too much. And it wasn’t that you didn’t care about hurting them with your decision - it was just that the pain of staying alive began outweighing the fear of hurting those you loved.

And it was torture.

You wanted to say everything that was on your mind - scream and cry and curse the universe, you wanted to break something, you wanted to be hugged, held, and told it would be okay - you wanted to get everything out.

You didn’t want to be alone anymore.

You’ve been alone for too long already.

You let out a broken sob, knees going weak as Bucky caught you and pulled you into his chest, away from the edge.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” you said between sobs.

“I know you don’t, I know,” Bucky said, holding you tightly as if he feared you would disappear if he let you go.

Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt me was utter bullshit. Because the next words that came out of your mouth hurt Bucky more than anything HYDRA had done to him.

“Please just let me die. Why won’t you let me die? I just wanna die, please just let this be over.”

People didn’t realize what depression could do to a person. Someone who was full of life could end up like this. You don’t know what went wrong or when it happened, but you just felt absolutely broken inside. The kind of broken that can’t be fixed.

Bucky felt his heart shatter, tears falling down his own cheeks at how hopeless you had sounded. He had never been overly close with you, but you were always kind to everyone on the team. And the team had failed you by not noticing sooner.

“I’m gonna bring you inside okay?” Bucky said. You didn’t hear him, crying so hard that you couldn’t focus on anything else. He picked you up, carrying you back into the tower. Bucky brought you back to your room, sitting down on your bed with you. He rubbed a hand up and down your back, holding you tightly as he tried to help you calm down.

Exhaustion overtook you, your body becoming worn out from all of the crying and emotions. You never let your guard down like that in front of anyone, and shame began to overtake you.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have seen that I’m so so sorry -”

“Don’t,” he started. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“No one was supposed to know,” you whispered.

“Why not? What’s so bad about asking for help?”

You paused for a moment, unsure exactly why. “I don’t know - I just feel really weak sometimes?” you said, more of a question to yourself. “Like I know everyone needs help and shit but I didn’t have a reason to need it. It hurts but I don’t know why, I cry when I’m not sad, I just - I’m not in control of myself and I don’t know why and if I can’t explain it to myself then how am I supposed to talk to anyone about it?”

“That makes more sense than you think. All of us on the team, we all go through shit. We see so many horrible things, we’ve been through so many things. We all have something. You have this. It’s okay if you don’t know why you feel the way you do but hurting yourself isn’t going to help anything.”

“I know what it’s like, wanting a way out,” Bucky said and you immediately knew what he was talking about. “Days that I wished Pierce or Rumlolw or whoever would just finish me rather than punish me over and over. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just wanted it to stop.”

You looked at him. “I know. But what I didn’t know then was that it would end. I never thought it could ever end or that it would ever end, but it did. And if I had died back then I would’ve died only knowing that pain. I wouldn’t have known that it could get better or that it would. And I’m not saying everything is perfect now because it’s not. But it’s better than it was. Okay?”

You nodded, fresh tears spilling out of your eyes. You knew the torture that Bucky went through, everyone on the team did. It had taken him a long time to speak about it on his own and move through it. But he did.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” you said.

“Talking about it, getting it out is a great start. Talking about it never hurt anyone.” When you seemed a little apprehensive, Bucky added, “I felt alone for so long. Battling these thoughts and memories in my head. They never stopped. But when I started talking about it with someone, and they helped me work through it - I don’t know. It helped me a lot. It wasn’t just me and my thoughts anymore. I wasn’t alone.”

I wasn’t alone

“You don’t have to be alone anymore. I’m not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not I’m gonna be right here with you

These things rarely get better overnight. But maybe with someone else, they could get better a little bit quicker.

You gave a small nod. “Okay.”

---

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @thatfangirl42 @im-sick-of-failing @sup--ernova @peggycarter-steverogers @bucks-bunny @barnesplums @mardema @abitgryffindorky @freigeistundanderes @strawberrimae @broadwaybabe18 @sokovianheadtilt @daydreaming-lightly @onyourgoddamnleft @arkhamasylumresident

be added to my tag list!

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