#either way there are a lot of things unknown behind theyre not discussed with us

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[in-tua-deep]

Souly! What if when Five tried to time travel Reginald stopped him and decided enough was enough and managed to successfully stamp out Fives rebellious side so now the siblings have to deal with this new five whos much more withdrawn and broken than theyre used too and they dont know how to fix him??

this is such an angsty ask what the heck absolutely illegal,, i have a feeling this is going to be yet another au they all run away in hmm

okay so honestly the only thing I could see actually breaking Five is if Reginald managed to threaten so fully the one thing in the world he actually cares about: his family.

so it goes like this: Five wants to time travel, and Reginald puts his foot down. But instead of ordering Five to completely drop the subject, he simply tells Five that they’ll discuss it after dinner in his office, and Five sits back down all indignation and arrogance and just a tiny bit of worry but the important thing is: Five doesn’t run away

and he goes to the office, and Reginald is sitting behind his desk and Five is standing there and Reggie tells Five a simple fact: if Five insists on pushing this, he’ll be punished. And Five rolls his eyes, because pain isn’t nearly as much a deterrent as Dad seems to think nowadays but then Reginald says, mild as milk, that if Five disobeys then he’ll get rid of Number Seven

he probably wouldn’t really. He needs to keep an eye on the girl, make sure that Number Three’s rumor doesn’t wear off, make sure she keeps taking her medicine, and all those other things. But Five doesn’t know that. Five believes him utterly and completely, because if Reginald Hargreeves has hammered anything into his children’s heads it is this: Vanya is ordinary. Vanya is not special. Vanya is useless. 

And Reginald Hargreeves has never had much patience for useless things, and Reginald Hargreeves has never had a kind bone in his body. 

Five believes Reginald would get rid of Vanya because if she really hadn’t turned out to have powers, he probably would have.

(and he knows, he knows the kind of training that some of his siblings do with real human people that Dad finds, knows that Reginald has brought back people for Allison to rumor in training sessions that she doesn’t talk about even though Allison so dearly loves to talk - and Ben doesn’t speak a word of his training to anyone but Five’s seen his brother scrubbing blood off of him and crying before and he can put two and two together)

(when reginald says ‘get rid of’ Five doesn’t think of Reginald just sending her away, instead he has visions of Vanya being used as a prop in their training, of fates far worse than simply being cast out of the Umbrella Academy - he thinks of his sister, his quiet wonderful sister who cries when they step on ants, and something inside him just… breaks)

the next day the others wait for another infamous Five outburst, and nothing happens. Five stares down at his food and mechanically shovels it into his mouth. He doesn’t make eye contact with his siblings. Doesn’t roll his eyes at Herr Carlson.

Then later, when they have free time, Five doesn’t speak unless spoken to and even then he’s quiet and demure and so decidedly un-Fiveish that Diego fetches Grace because he’s absolutely convinced that Five is dying. Five doesn’t show off and jump everywhere, doesn’t correct any of them when they say something dumb, and when they have group training he doesn’t even contradict any of Luther’s orders and follows them to the letter, not taking any of the ‘interpretive liberties’ he’d always taken before

and Luther is pleased at the beginning of the lesson, but by the end even he is frowning in concern. He asks Five if he’s feeling okay even though Grace gave him the all clear and Five just nods quietly and doesn’t say a single word. It’s worrying, but they’ve all had funks after ‘talks’ with their Father before, so they figure it’s just a thing and Five’ll bounce back soon enough

and as the days go by and the weeks go past, Five shows no sign of bouncing back at all. He doesn’t speak unless spoken to. He won’t look their father in the eyes anymore, keeping his gaze trained on the ground and only quietly responding with ‘yes sir’ or ‘no sir’ unless specifically asked for a more elaborate answer. He doesn’t disobey Luther, either, never arguing any orders or stepping a single toe out of line

and the house is so empty without the spark Five gave it. No one else talked back to Dad like he did, no one else was so willing to look Reginald in the eyes and dare to question. Five was a whirlwind of delight and mischief, always with a smile that said he was getting away with something and that he knew something you didn’t. He was infuriating, arrogant, competitive, brash - and that Five was gone and only a shadow remained in his place

and it all traces back to that dinner and that after dinner conversation, none of them had seen Five until breakfast the next morning but that wasn’t unusual. They’d assumed Five was getting a training session, and Five often vanished to places unknown for hours at a time (sometimes even days), but that did leave an awfully large gap of time for whatever could have happened to turn their brother into this spectre

they have a ‘team meeting’ and try to get answers out of Five, but he simply sits there pale and unmoving without saying a single word no matter how much they badger him. The only time he moves is when Allison opens her mouth with the words “I heard a rumor - ” on her tongue and Five just blips out of existence to another part of the house. The next day he refuses to be in the same vicinity as Allison outside of required meal times (it isn’t a group training day, so there isn’t that excuse) until finally Allison gets one of the others to broker a truce with Allison swearing not to rumor Five into telling them anything

they try send Vanya next, they know she’s Five’s favorite even if he won’t admit it. She tries to sneak into his room after hours, even though it’s against the rules, and then she has to deal with Five’s resulting panic attack over it. She ends up having to go back to her room with the memory of Five begging her leave ringing in her ears none the wiser as to what happened to make her brother like this

and it continues in that vein for months. Five will freak out at the slightest mention of breaking the rules, of disobeying their father. The others try and offer things they know he used to like, they try and get him to sneak out with them to Griddy’s and Five, shaking like a leaf, tells them no. Ben and Klaus try and break into the camera room to find the footage of whatever went down that fateful night, but Pogo heads them off and even though Pogo smiles and says he won’t tell their father about this slip up they can’t help but feel like if Pogo really wanted to help them then he’d look the other way.

It probably all comes to a head in an instance that Five is forced to break the rules for some reason, or a time he gets caught. Maybe the siblings are trying one more time to reach their brother and pile into his room after hours to try and coax him into giving them a clue, give them anything that isn’t a frightened look or quiet obedience. They’re too loud, and Reginald shows up, and orders them back to their rooms and tells them severely he will deal with their transgressions in the morning - and then he walks away with full confidence in the fact that he will be swiftly obeyed.

Except, Reginald exits and the kids are about to pack up and Five bursts into terrified tears and suddenly it isn’t about going back it’s about crowding their brother who has gotten hold of Vanya and is sobbing about Dad getting rid of her and between the tears they manage to piece together that Five is crying because Dad told him that if he got into trouble again then Dad would get rid of Vanya

and just like Five did in that office, the rest of the kids also fully believe in their father’s capacity for cruelty to the only member of the Umbrella Academy who isn’t special, and Vanya is sitting pale and terrified and Luther is trying to convince them that of course Dad wouldn’t get rid of Vanya over this small a transgression and Klaus is pointing out that literally two days ago Dad punished Diego not cutting his food correctly just because he was in a mood and - 

Allison, who is the most likely candidate that Dad would use to ‘get rid of’ Vanya, pipes up and says that they have to do something.

“But what?” Ben asks, voice barely even a whisper

“We get rid of all of us, first.” Allison tells them all, tone even and sure, “We go, we leave the Umbrella Academy together. If Dad gets rid of Vanya, he gets rid of all of us.”

It’s not because she cares about Vanya. Because honestly, she doesn’t all that much at this stage in her life. But Vanya is her sister, and that does mean something, and Allison has done a lot of things she doesn’t like to reflect upon and many she actively tries to block out of her memories (she remembers staring into a mirror after training with tears running down her cheeks, wondering if she could rumor herself into forgetting what she’d done. But her rumors don’t work on herself. She’s tried that before.)

Reginald doesn’t get his hands dirty. If he gets rid of Vanya, it will fall to the rest of them to take care of it - and Allison doesn’t want that on her conscience. Perhaps it’s a selfish reason, but it’s the one she has.

Luther protests, they can’t just run away - but Klaus cuts him off with a ferocity that surprises them all when he says that Vanya is family, and besides Five is a fucking shadow of his former self and hasn’t Luther been one of the top people trying to fix him? Hadn’t even Luther missed Five’s snarky input and his surprisingly insightful comments and his jumping everywhere? Well this is it. This is the way to fix Five, and it’s also the way to save Vanya. Two birds with one stone. And even Luther can’t argue with that logic, and if he did then Allison is ready with a rumor as Ben unlocks Five’s window to gain access to the fire escape and suddenly they’re all thirteen years old and runaways

and it’s hard. Reginald looks for them, of course he does. He probably doesn’t even know the reason why he ran, barely remembers the threats he showered on Five’s head to make him behave. His critical mistake was giving the children a reason to believe in his capacity for cruelty that triumphs over their want for his love and approval. His mistake was giving them a goal to work towards together (figuring out what was wrong with Five) instead of spending his time focusing on pitting them against one another so that they wouldn’t be able to rely on each other

but when they’re hiding behind a dumpster to avoid a nosy police officer and Five gives a tentative smile it’s such a relief because they literally haven’t seen Five smile in months or show any real emotion

it goes much the same way as my other runaway aus, where Vanya doesn’t take her medicine and they all find out about her powers. The seven of them probably end up travelling to the woods to live, because they have survival skills thank u herr carlson, there’s not many cops in the woods, they can train Vanya without worrying about killing people, and five can blip and steal stuff from town whenever soooo

not many ghosts in the woods surprisingly either, and if there is a spot where a hiking accident happened or whatever then they can just move on that’s allowed it isn’t like Reggie is forcing the kids to do training anymore (and Luther is kind of enthusiastic about all the ‘survival training’ they’re doing at least)

i want to say that someone does actually find them eventually and some random lesbian who just wanted to be a lumberjack in peace with her log cabin inheritance ends up leaving them food and shit like they’re feral housecats and she thinks there’s one random feral wood child she’s trying to coax in and figure out if her responsibility is to call the police or child services or something and then (the original kid is vanya because i say so) she actually ends up having a short conversation with vanya where vanya is all “,,,please don’t tell anyone,, we can’t go home” and look lumberjack lady clearly sees a wlw kindred spirit in vanya because she’s played by ellen page for goodness sakes and she’s like “alright that’s a mood and i can make assumptions i won’t tell - wait a second who the fuck is ‘we’”

i only thought of this oc like 2 seconds ago but i love her already because she takes all these kids under her wing and is just like “guess I’m adopting seven kids y’all are going to have to help me build the expansions to my log cabin i guess because my cabin was not meant for eight people”

the kids make comments and say things that Very Much Concern Her and she’s just like “,,, hmm,,,,, you know if i ever meet your dad i’m going to kill him with my bare hands right, just go feral and attack him like a wild chimpanzee” and luther is horrified and klaus and diego instantly love and trust her

but yeah that’s what i have for this au it’s the kids running away to the woods and being adopted by a nice lesbian and actually being a family. Luther is great at chopping wood and helping with any home repairs. Vanya would actually kill a man for their new adoptive mother. There are some fun hijinks where Allison and Klaus team up to try and get their new mother a date while also the whole family is unable to agree on anyone that could possibly be good enough to deserve her

Five is still super traumatized by authority figures at first and there are steps back when they go to live with this lady where he’s afraid to put a toe out of line but she’s really good with him and very casual and relaxed and eventually they get to a point where Five is smiling and teasing her back and showing off his jumps and she’s always very impressed and applauds him and also drives Five and Ben into town every week in her beat up old jeep with the bazillion rainbow stickers on to pick up new books for her little bookworm kids to read

lumberjack lady has to get the biggest bed possible because the kids keep ending up sleeping with her in one big pile because i’mma be honest she’s literally the only figure in their life who is giving them unconditional love and kindness and who prioritizes their health and happiness first

this au started off so sad but i have exactly no regrets and i haven’t even given this oc a name but i would already die for her