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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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1/1/2022

Happy new year! I decided one of my goals for the year is to explore myself mentally more. I want to start doing things like journalling to learn more about myself so here’s the first one!

Journal prompt #66: how does it feel when you put someone as your first priority but they only see you as a second?

Fucking sucks. It’s funny because this is something i struggle with a lot. I feel like I put a lot of people first and it’s not reciprocated or people put me first but i don’t do the same with them. It’s the worst feeling and i really do hope that if i am doing that, i don’t make someone feel the way i feel when that happens. i do feel like this happens a lot with me, especially in love. sometimes, i feel like sometimes i wont find someone romantically that puts me first and it hurts so bad because when i love, whether it be platonically or romantically, i love so much and so hard and sometimes it’s hard to find someone to do the same. it hurts. A was definitely a great example of that. he said it himself, i was on the back burner for him whereas other things in his life, got put before me. i did so much for him and it never mattered. then i went to go date other guys and it’s always anything else goes before me. with mr. washington dc, he wanted to move somewhere new and it was all my fault. with hinckley, he was still in love with his ex and it’s my fault i wasnt her. with the scotty, he had more going on that he didn't want to pursue anything further. i wasn't even worth a text to let me know he didn’t want to be with me. i’m finally coming to terms with how shitty that was and i like that. with my friends, i feel like that happens. with B and K, they put M before me whether they want to admit it or not and i was ok with the friendship falling out because of that. it is what it is. but it was always her before me until B and M had a falling out and sometimes that bothers me that B and I are so close now because would we be close if they were still friends? The nashville crew came up for christmas and I only got to see them for 1 day and the thing is it’s fine because they were probably busy but i usually see them more so its confusing? maybe that’s me being selfish. J and R said they cant hang out for thanksgiving because of covid and then couldn't hang out for christmas because they were quarantining..understandable but then i see them hang out with their baby friends and i couldn’t help but be upset. we were so close at one point but i feel like i got pushed to the side. i asked them the other day if i can come over to drop off their gift and never got a response. no merry christmas, happy birthday, or happy new year text either. that bothered me more. i spent so much money on people’s gifts this year and i feel like it was pointless if they didnt even want it.

i guess it feels like shit. i do feel like i do so much for so little from some people. i will drive around until i get a text back or wait around for people. i dont mind doing things solo but i hate it also. it feels lonely but comfortable. i just want someone to put me first like i deserve to but i dont know what that would even feel like.

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jasperstan408 · 5 years

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I need to be alone like the way you left me.

#heartbreak #heartbeat #childishgamino #donald glover #lyrics #sadlyrics #sad #alone #emilijasdiary

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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02/01/2022

Journal prompt #1: if you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you and if so why?

Whether this is asking in a very depressing 13th reason kinda way or a move out of your hometown kinda way, the answer is honestly yes and the reasoning is simply because i think there is no room for my life to grow anymore. i feel like i am just going along because i have to in order to not break anyone’s heart and cause them to go to therapy about it for like the next 5 years. but what a beautiful way to think about the impact i feel like i make on my loved ones, why would i ever want to go away?

in the non depressing way, i think about if i would ever want to leave as in moving away and everything be okay with it. the answer is yes. i think this because i feel like there is so much out there in the world and i feel stuck in one place, a place that i have been for 20 years. i’m 28 and feel that if i don’t get out of here soon, my life is over. for some reason, i keep feeling like my life will end once i turn 30. sometimes i’m okay with staying here but most of the time, i’m not. i want to raise my children here so what if i move to another city and then i only have a couple of years there before moving back. i wish i could restart my life at 19, never date A (of course it always comes back to him) and then go away to college, have an amazing dating life, settle down, and maybe i’d be married with children by now or living somewhere exciting. something different. but then again, i wouldn’t know the people i know now and i love those people. but that's what i mean. sometimes i think about my life and how better it could be but i feel like i can't make it better like i want it to be because it would hurt someone whether it be my parents or my friends, someone. so i feel stuck.

as for the depressing way, something in quarantine did something to my brain that feels this way. like sometimes a person should feel like there’s nothing they can do to improve their life and they should be able to just go and sometimes i feel that way. i feel like i keep running into this wall that i can’t get over. i feel like i keep getting lemons that i’m counting as lemonade and i’m tired of it. why can’t i get what i want? to live in a nicer city or have a very nice love life or have more excitement in my life. i’m not really satisfied. i can get by day to day but the overall picture isn’t what i want. i feel stuck.

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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November 16, 2021

since last time i wrote, things got good and then worse lol so i eventually texted the scotty and he texted back making plans to hang out. all was well (this is funny because miss swift rereleased red this past weekend) the date was okay. we went to the movies and saw last night in soho which was amazing. then we went to winking lizard. it was weird. he was sick and it triggered something in me. A used to fake sick all the time to get out of hanging out with me so i was annoyed. he kept watching the tv and i just wanted to go home. we walked home and again, he says the sweetest things. he said “i can’t stop gushing about how great you are” he said bye and mentioned we should do it again. i’m writing the truth on here because i need to be honest with myself. it bothered me that i had to text him first to get this date out of him. if he didn't want to hang out, i just wanted to know. i didn't want to be led on. he didn't even text me that night to see if i made it home okay or anything. i texted him because I thought he actually liked me and i was giving him a chance??? i never do that and then i do and get fucked over. so we texted a little the next day and then nothing. nothing for 3 weeks. i was so fucking upset. but i healed and went to therapy and got over it. then i get a phone call from the texans and they tell me that i should reach out. more on my friends later. i did. i texted him saying i had fun and wtf basically and he said he was too busy to date. i’ll add the screenshots later. i just need to write out my feelings

the thing is, this is the furthest that i’ve gotten with a guy and it bit me in the ass as it always does. when i think of romance, i think about how it’s not meant for me and i have always felt this way. since i was in high school, i just knew i’m not one to have romance in my life. i just need to settle down with that idea that it’s not for me. A came around and i questioned it because I thought maybe I am but even half the relationship, I knew it was true. we broke up and back to that thought. being single, i kinda flowed in between that thought. some days I would think it but some days I would be hopeful. recently, ive grown to be okay with it. the scotty came around and finally, i’m getting the romance that I deserve is what I said. and maybe it showed me that it is what i deserve, to be alone. i’ve come to be comfortable with it and i just need to learn to accept it. romance just hurts too much and gives me too much anxiety. i hate risking my peace like that. what’s the point? i can only control one person and that’s me. why try to add another person into it. only i can love myself the way I want to be loved.

as for my friends, they really have let me down. they have built me up and fed me all these compliments and were more excited for me than i was and it hurts. after our 4th date, b was making plans on double dates and new years...i wasn’t even getting a text back. and then i get a little better and she asks how he is..not sure dude, i haven’t even heard from him. shorty (new nickname for her lol) is way too angry about everything surrounding this situation. I didn’t even think i would ever hear from him but she would make fake scenarios like “what if he texts you weeks or months from now? what are you going to say?” and it made me so angry because what am i supposed to do with that? idk in my mind, he was never texting me back and if he did, thats on him not on me. i would decide in that moment what to do. and then, the texans, i won’t lie i'm pretty upset with them. i was finally over it and moved on, was looking forward to try to date again and they called me and it turned into a mess. it feels they make it seem like my fault for it not working out and i know thats not what they meant but it seemed like that. when he didn't text me for 3 days, i talked to bae about it and she said “are you sure it’s not your insecurities?” like?? maybe but what does that have to do with it? and then it was always “no you should text him, whats wrong with texting first?” this, this is wrong with it. i know how to read a room. i know that he didn't want to see me again because his actions sure showed it. i know that i want a guy to reach out first and consistently and not have me be the one to do it all the time. but i moved on and i was doing okay and then they said to message him...3 weeks later again making it seem like i’m the one at fault when im the only reason why this worked in the first place. i did and got my heart broken and they get to go live their lives and go to bed, while i cry writing this. it was very inconsiderate i wont lie and it hurts. that’s all i can manage to feel right now. i’m hurt, angry, lonely. not in a good place right now. will i ever be? no lol but im gonna take nyquil and pass tf out.

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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October 21, 2021

it’s ya girl. with some big updates. i’ve been seeing someone surprise surprise. we’ll call him the scotty. he’s half english, half scottish. he’s an immigrant just like me. he’s really nice and we vibe really well. i started seeing him on 9/28 which is when taylor and joe celebrated their 5 year anniversary. he’s the 11th guy i have gone out with which is my lucky number. let’s crack into it.

we’ve gone on 3 dates so far...maybe ever? i asked him out the first time while i was dealing with covid and was in a nyquil haze. we were talking about horror movies and i thought it’d be nice if i asked him to go see one with me. i was very down in the dumps before the date because i feel like dating is just a dead end for me. i keep going on these dates and either i don’t like the guy or i get my heartbroken over something that is not worth it. i just really dont have the energy for it anymore. somedays, i dont even think i’ll ever get any romance..more on that later. but i hate flaking so i went because once i go, the sooner we can get it over with right? I went and right away i was interested, he looks cute on his profile but he’s definitely cuter in real life..and tall. we sat and talked at a brewery and it was going really well..i just wanted to keep talking, i didn’t even want to see the movie. he agreed, we walked to the bar nearby and it was great. i couldn’t stop laughing or smiling. we agreed to go out again after. i could see myself with him and i could see him around my friends. i called bae and talked about him and she could hear how excited i was. i went to disney and then came back, i asked to hang out again and we made plans. my anxiety kicked in before the date because i just wanted him to like me and i was afraid he would be like the other guys who ended things. i thought that the second date was to make it or break it which it usually is but i kept freaking out because i really liked him. bae called me to calm me down and she said “what did he do to make you think he doesn’t like you?” and that’s the thing..nothing. my brain and old lovers hate me so much that it’s starting to ruin something that is supposed to be fun. remember when A and i first broke up and I was dating? It was exciting and new and fun...now it’s just draining and ends up with me crying over again, someone who isn’t worth it. But I went and at first it was so awkward, i just thought again, he just didn't want to be there and was being nice. in hindsight, the restaurant was just awkward, i think he was just tired. But at the time, I thought he hated me but somehow being there made it easier for me to handle him not liking me. I think I was ready for him to tell me there wasn't a connection and I would be okay with it. We went to a bar nearby and that was so fun. We played a guessing game to guess each other’s favorite disney movie and princess..I sucked at it and it was embarrassing lol but it was fun. He walked me to my car and said he would love to do it again. I was very excited. Bae told me that he definitely likes me and I told her to not let me doubt it again lol but I did. We planned for a third date and the anxiety was there but not as bad. The third date was my favorite..oh my god it was amazing. We went to an indie theater where we saw the lamb...terrifying movie but a good memory. After, we went to a nearby restaurant and ate appys and talked. Amazing conversation, we laughed a lot. I love spending time with him. After, we walked for a little and he told me that he’s really enjoyed getting to know me these past few weeks. we kept walking and then he walked me to my car, we hugged, he said he’d love to do it again sometime. we left it at that. If all these things are being said to me...why am i still getting anxiety over this?

I feel like it’s been weird since then...shouldn’t i feel more secure and shouldn’t i feel amazing but it’s just been anxiety driven. We texted after, I told him I was home and we talked a little. The next day I went to CP with K and i didn't hear from him. So the thing about that is the day of our first date, I didn't hear from him other than when we’re meeting up. The day after our first date, I didn’t hear from him but I did the day after that. The day of our second date, same thing but the day after I heard from him. So the day after our third date, I didn't hear from him and then the day after that I didn’t..I had to text him first. We talked a little this week but I purposefully sent a dead end text to see what he would do..It’s friday morning now, I haven’t heard from him since Wednesday.

I was talking to my therapist the other day and what she brought up was that maybe the fact that it didn’t work with other guys is what makes me anxious about this and it’s true. I keep thinking why didn’t it work with others before and which excuse is going to sting me in the butt this time. Maybe he’s in love with his ex which is what B told me. Does he have to move which is what D told me. Maybe he wants to focus on his career which is what A told me. Maybe he just doesn’t like me which is what I tell myself.

Sometimes I feel like i’m meant to be single forever. When I was with A I remember telling him that I don’t think men are capable of love. It weirds me out to see when they are. It was always wrong to think that because I see how my dad loves me and my family, how my friend’s husbands/boyfriends love my friends, I don’t think A felt that way towards me and it shattered me. So in my mind, maybe i’m not capable of being loved. I see how my friends feel about me and my family and I know they love and care for me. What about romantically? I just don’t think a guy could feel that way about me. I don’t think a guy could walk in a room full of women and choose me...even if we’re dating. If there’s an out for any guy to take, he will. It’s horrible to think but it’s true. I just can’t talk about it with anyone because the first thing people do is feed me compliments and I don’t want that. But if I say I just want someone to listen and hug me while I cry and talk, people get uncomfortable. I’ve been through so much, why do I deserve this? Every time I think about this, I’ll think about bad things I’ve done in my life and be like “that’s why you deserve it” but then realize A has done so much worse and he doesn’t get anything bad in return. I know there are people in the world who just won’t end up with romance in their lives, why was i chosen to be one? I want the love story, the engagement, the wedding, the honeymoon, the babies, the everlasting love but I know I won’t get it. I try and I just fail every time. I just want someone to feel like that towards me. Why won’t he text me?

Am i just being dramatic or is valid?

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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May 31, 2021

moving on is so tricky because you try so hard to but you feel like you just can’t. and then one day, you’re sitting outside on a warm sunny day and you start to think and realize, i can’t remember his favorite animal anymore. you try to think and think of all the conversations you’ve had with him in your life and for some reason, you can’t remember his favorite animal. it seems so small but it’s such a big thing. you are moving on and even if sometimes it feels like you aren’t, you don’t realize that you have been all along.

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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May 21, 2021

I went on a date saturday and it was amazing. This is the first time in a long time that I have gotten excited for a boy and it finally felt so good. It was so fun and we got close. I really liked him. I haven't had a boy look at me like that in so long, it felt so nice. I could talk about anything and he was fine with it. I definitely got my hopes up of course just to get them all crushed.

He’s moving to washington dc in a week or 2 and didn’t tell me until almost 4 hours into our date. I got upset but we still had a good rest of the night. I texted him the next day, he replied, asked how he is, and he took a day and a half to reply. Told me it was great but not great enough to do long distance...right. I never wanted long distance???? Then I replied back saying that makes sense and i wasn’t expecting to do long distance. I went full simp lol and said i liked spending time with him blah blah and asked why he would go on a date when he was moving so soon. He told me that apparently his office told him that he doesn’t have to go back until september 1st and apparently he went on the date to see if he should stay or not until then but apparently there was no fireworks between us so he’s not going to. I told him that’s not just for him to decide and i shouldn’t have been kept in the dark about it. He was making it seem like i wasn’t good enough for him and that’s shit. He said he wasn’t going to argue with that. He had fun on our date and he was going to focus on that.

I am just so upset. I keep checking my phone to see if he will text me and tell me he changed his mind but i know what will never happen. It never does. No man will ever pick me over the other choices whether it be career, other girls, or a new city...it’ll never be me. I go on all these dates and they’re all just okay and the first one i’m excited for turns out to be a fail and not even my fault too?? It never is for some reason. How selfish is that? To go on a date when you’re moving and the girl has to be perfect or it’s not going to work. That’s such shit. Literally gave me one chance and there had to be fireworks. I don’t believe in that. I think fireworks is when you kiss someone for the first time or you’re ready to say I love you, not on the first date. The whole time I was wishing something would go wrong and he would stay and we would at least try things out, I wasn’t expecting anything long term, if that happened then fine but i wasn’t counting on it. And then I found out, he did have that option but didn’t want to take it which just hurts. I’m torn between thinking he would’ve gone out with me more if he could vs he just doesn’t like me. I thought he had a good time at least. I keep hoping that he was already set on leaving for washington dc so of course he wasn’t going to stay for me whether I was perfect or not but it’s just not fair. Who does that? Let’s say he thought it was perfect and wanted to stay for me..what if i said no? Then what? It doesn’t make sense. Why would the universe keep throwing guys like this in my life for what?? Like everything is going great for me, why can’t my love life?

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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May 16, 2021

I had the best date ever last night and i’m so sad about it now. We went to the chocolate bar and ordered food. We talked so much about everything. We shared funny stories, we talked about porn and idk i ever felt some sexual tension. We got chocolate strawberries and shared them. A drunk woman came up and talked to us, it was awkward but funny and i enjoyed it. There was a moment where we got quiet and we just looked at each other and were smiling. AND THEN I mentioned something about coming back there with him and he said well we can’t because apparently in 2-3 weeks he’s moving to DC which made me super upset. It was around midnight and he wanted to go to the casino. I said I have to go to the bathroom and went to go pee and cry. I was so upset for the rest of the night. I kept trying to hold it together but I couldn’t. We went to the casino and walked around. I realized well if this is the only time we get to hang out, better make the most of it. I felt bad because he put money down to play blackjack and he lost it all, i got money out to play slots and i lost all of that, he then put money down for me to play virtual blackjack and i did so well, i almost got him his money back that he lost and then i got cocky and lost it all. It was so fun doing that because we would get excited and we would get all touchy feely. It was such a good night. I really like him and haven’t felt like this in so long and for what? nothing. We left and he walked me to my car and then i dropped him off and that was it. I cried the whole way home and i’m still crying a little. I texted him when I got home and he texted me in the morning saying great, i asked him how he feels because he just got his second vaccine and i havent heard back. idk where this is going, idk what is happening or going to happen, idk how he feels and idk how i feel. i just know im hurt and upset and don’t know what the future holds. i’ll be okay but i hate that shit like this keeps happening. What is so wrong that I cant find a guy to even date for a little? anything? something always happens and it’s such shit. what the fuck????

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jasperstan408 · 3 years

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April 25, 2021

I think I lost a friend and i’m not sure how I feel about it. I did something shitty and i take full accountability and I don’t know how to come back from it. I don’t know how to also place blame on B because honestly i’m a little mad at her too. I haven’t worked all 2020 and then when I did, I didn’t have that much money. I finally have a nice job and am able to pay my bills and save up for an apartment, and get an emerald green couch!! B said for her bday she wants to rent a cabin or get a room at gervasi which at first I was hesitant on but tbh 1. she complains we never do anything for her bday (ironic) so i thought this would satisfy her and shut her up 2. i started getting money at work so I was fine with it. That was the plan but we haven’t paid for it yet. A week ago, out of nowhere, her mom told her about her honeymoon at the carribean and how cheap it was so B told me and I was like wtf lmao she told me about how hotel and flight would be included and it'd be around $800 which isn't too much for a trip like that but I didn't think i could afford it and i didn't think we’d actually go. We hung out and she talked to me about it and it sounded like a good idea knowing that food and drinks would be included. This part is important: I SAID WAIT UNTIL I TALK TO MY MOM AND SUPERVISOR TO FIND OUT IF I CAN GET THE TIME OFF. So it’s the next day and apparently it went from $800 to $1000 which is a huge jump like shit I could get a plane ticket to macedonia and stay there for a month for the same price. It’s just, this side of my friend group, I feel like just will spend money on shit and not really think of the consequences whereas im not like that. But she still wanted to go and I think it was mostly to make M (iykyk) jealous. I don’t understand how these girls can just pull that kinda money out of nowhere so last second, the trip is in a month and to get that kind of time off to do that. How??? But I talked to my supervisor the day after and basically I have to take 5 days of pto instead of 3 which sucks because I wanted to split the 5 between this and a vacation with my mom and sister. It just felt like all the signs were pointing to me not going. I texted B the next day saying I can’t go because i just can’t afford it. She texted back saying thanks for letting her know and that she already paid for it. That made me feel like shit. But more on that later. We didn’t talk for 2 days. She finally texted me yesterday about how upset she was and how she doesn’t understand how I can cancel like this when she already paid for it. I’ll leave screenshots down below. I explained my side of the story. She said she told me she already paid for it so how could I just cancel like that. She said it’s an awful thing to do to someone and she could never do this to anyone. The thing is, she’s not wrong. She has every right to be upset and i don’t blame her for that. The only thing I need to rant about is...why would she pay for anything and not clearly tell me she was. I said something nicer than that and she told me she said she charged and i said i thought she said she was going to not that she already has. But when you buy something like plane tickets, you need to ask for information and she never did and she never clearly said “i paid for it yay!” nothing. We talked about payment plans and i agreed to it and that’s it. If i had to be mad at her for one situation then it’d be this. I know she was excited and I think it got to her head and it was all so fast. I just hate this situation and dealing with it. I’m not sure why i’m so upset at myself, upset with her, mad at both, i just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t want to go just to make it easier for everyone because it just puts a huge hole in my pocket and i’m just tired of making myself uncomfortable to make everyone else comfortable. I’m also just upset because she makes it seem like i’m this evil friend she has and tbh yeah right now i’m being shitty but she’s one to talk. Last year, i wasn’t even invited to hang out with her for her bday because M was there. Not even an invite. She didn’t come to my 26th birthday party, cancelled 20 minutes after it started, we were all waiting for her and she said it’s because she was running late and wanted to go to both me and Erin’s birthday even though no one cared about erin until i wasn’t friends with maggie and maggie wanted to go to erins bday because she wasn’t invited to mine. That really hurt. She was there for me for 2 months after the breakup and then I didn’t see her for months and barely heard from her. The only times I saw her was when maggie was around. Her, kelly, and M were hanging out one day and maggie was the one who invited me even if she fucked me over. Not Brooke. Not Kelly, maggie. Shit, I saw danielle more than I saw Brooke and Kelly during my break up and she moved 7 hours away. A added B on instagram over the winter and she accepted the request and followed him back. It really hurts me because sometimes I feel like she cares about the drama more than she does about our friendship. I feel like i’m some consolation prize for her losing her friendship with M. I feel like maybe a part of me ruined this whole thing and hurt her on purpose because i had some internalized anger towards her.

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jasperstan408 · 4 years

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jasperstan408 · 4 years

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jasperstan408 · 4 years

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January 10, 2021

holy shit so much has changed and i have so much tea for myself lmao 1. i got my first job as a graphic designer!!! after months of being insecure and depressed about it, i start tomorrow!!! 2. i got my first heartbreak that isn’t A!!! Sad but exciting that it’s not him im crying over anymore.

writing my notes from my app on here

I am so upset right now. I went over to fuck bryan in a hotel room. We had sex for 20 minutes, i didn’t even cum. He said i can be on top and then i never got the chance. And then we just laid there on opposite sides of the bed. We talked a little but mostly just watched family guy awkwardly. He kept checking stuff on his phone and then he played a game on his phone while i watched. This is just stuff i would do if i was bored or didn’t want to be where i was at the moment. Even when we sat close, he obviously just didn’t want to be there like he didn’t touch me at all. Barely talked to me. He was so distant and i hated it. I think it just triggered something in my brain that reminded me of how andy acted around me and it upset me. Ive been crying all night about it. I hate andy so fucking much. He literally ruined everything for me. Is this how it’s going to be with all men? They just want me for my pussy and nothing else? When we had sex the first time it was amazing. I felt connected and it was good. This was literally just to fuck me and be done with it. I tried to keep the conversation flowing and nothing. He didnt even ask me how my day was.

Yeah i was gonna talk to you about how you were weird and distant last night so I’m glad you noticed and its not just in my head. I’ll be honest, i dont really know what to say back. I could just tell you why im upset about this and how upset i am but i just feel like it doesnt matter what i say tbh. It’s not going to change anything. I will say you made me feel like shit. I just felt so used and unwanted last night. It was obvious you were only there to have sex and nothing else. It was such a shitty feeling for me to lay there after and have you not even notice. I didn’t pay $40 to watch family guy with you and to watch you play a game on your phone. Yeah it wasnt a relationship but if we were friends with benefits, the friendship part wasnt there. Neither were the benefits since last time i gave u a bj and this time i didnt even cum. That hurts that you feel that way because i really did like spending time with you and was excited to keep spending time with you but its also out of my control and i cant make you feel a way you dont so i guess it just sucks.

What you are not about to fucking do is downplay how i fucking feel and try to make what you did any better. If you felt this, you felt this i dont fucking care but you had so many chances to fucking cancel and so many chances to be honest with me but you still went just to fuck me. Im not a fleshlight you can stick your dick into to hopefully forget about someone else, if there even is someone else. I cant even trust you after you lied about so much. Cincinatti and the keys and who knows what else. Dont treat me like im a fucking idiot like i didnt pick up signs that you weren’t interested anymore. If youre not interested, okay fine but dont lie to me. I thought we could get a hotel room and it would be a good time like the first time. Not have you fuck me for 5 minutes and then ignore me for another hour and a half. So dont say “we knew what we were doing when we got the hotel room” because I thought you actually wanted to spend time with me. That shit hurt and my feelings are valid. What did you think would happen? I would wake up and see your text and feel sorry for you? I would say “oh sorry you feel that way hit me up when you wanna fuck me again 😏😉😍🥺😂” we’re not gonna just be friends so you can string me along and fuck me whenever you want. I’m not anyones rebound or second choice. And dont use my fucking words against me like that. When i said “fake scenarios” i meant that I thought us sleeping together last night wouldve been fun like the first time. Not me creating a scenario where you used me. I didnt create that, thats what happened. Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

The thing you don’t understand is that it was so out of nowhere for me. I thought you were interested and then acted like it didn’t matter if i was there or not. Waking and reading a text saying “I’m not over my ex but we can be friends” made me think you were getting back together with an ex and just wanted to soften the blow by saying we can just be friends. Like you didn’t actually want to be friends, you just were trying to make it easier on me. Idgaf about how you feel. If you’re not over your ex okay but that’s your baggage and that’s your problem and you didnt have to dump it out on me like you did that night.

Okay so like I’ve said and like you know, I was really hurt the other night. I get everyone has their baggage and their insecurities and that’s okay but what was not okay is projecting that baggage on to me and hurting me like you did. I have my baggage with my ex and I spent so much time working through it so I don’t do this to anyone. That’s all your problem, not mine. I did like spending time with you and talking to you. I do want to be friends. We can still talk every once in a while and maybe we can hang out and smoke but I just don’t think I want to hook up or anything like that. That was just way too much and it obviously didn’t end well.

My hopes were crushed because i liked what we were doing and it sucks that it had to end so soon. I just miss talking to you and i miss that time in my life, being excited that you were in it and it just sucks that it had to end so quick. It sucks that you didn’t feel the same as me. It sucks that none of this is my fault. I cant change anything about what happened and i cant make you feel a certain way that you don’t. It’s scary that we went thru the same experience and had different feelings about it. This was all out of nowhere for me because i really thought you were into me tbh until we were in the middle of sex and i felt like something was off. And then you sat there, wouldn’t look at me or talk to me and honestly it made me think i did something wrong. You dumped your baggage on to me.

Id like to go back to how it was when we first met. We can just be friends. We can hang out every once in a while, smoke and get something to eat but obviously sleeping together isnt a good idea and i dont want to do that anymore.

Reading your message, I thought that you were saying you and your ex were getting back together and by saying “we can still talk and still be friends”, you were just trying to be nice and not hurt me i guess?

Love language is quality time

Hey can we talk?

Okay so i just kinda wanted to be open about what i think and am feeling. Im sorry if this is out of nowhere. I know this was 2 weeks ago lol i just have not had any time to talk to you. So when you first texted me the other day, I took it as “my ex and i are getting back together and i wanted to fuck someone for the last time.” Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions idk but I took you wanting to be friends and saying you wanted to talk to me like pity tbh. Like you didn’t actually want to do that, you were just saying that to soften the blow. I did like talking with you and hanging out with you. I would like to be friends but I don’t want to intrude if you’re with someone else, I feel like that’d be awkward lol

I’d like to just go back to how it was before it got messy. I’m fine with still talking and maybe someday we can smoke and get something to eat and hang out. I did like hanging out and talking with you but obviously, sleeping together isn’t a good idea and I don’t want to do that.

So I do want to talk about the other night just to get some clarity and it can stay in the past. I understand how you felt and tbh I’ve been there before too. I’ve gone on a date with a guy and the date was fine but the whole time I was just sad over my ex and it ruined things. It happens and it sucks, I get it. But the thing is, that’s your baggage that you need to deal with. Not mine but you dumped the baggage on me. I have baggage with my ex but i dealt with it and healed from it so I wouldn’t do this to anyone. My ex was the worst and that night, you were acting like him and it triggered something that made me really upset. My love language is quality time so when i hang out with someone, it’s important that they’re there with me and their attention isn’t somewhere else which is also why i got really upset.

I just remember at one point, the way you were walking or something made me flashback to him and i just wanted to leave. You’re the first guy I’ve opened up to like this since we broke up so you acting like that made me think every guy is going to be like that towards me and i got upset. I know now that’s not the truth. My love language is quality time so when I’m with someone, id like them to be there with me. To talk to me instead of being on their phones and acting like i wasnt there. Having sex with me and then ignoring me was how my ex was the last half of our relationship and it triggered something for me. That night just wasnt a good night for me. Like i said, we all have our baggage but it wasn’t okay to treat me like that. I would just like to go back to how it was when we first met. We can smoke and get something to eat but sleeping together isn’t what I want right now.

Basically, you already know, but the way you treated me wasn’t okay. I understand how you felt and I’ve been down that road too but dumping that baggage on me wasn’t okay. It made me uncomfortable and it upset me. My love language is quality time so when i do hang out with someone, I’d like them to be focused on hanging out with me but you weren’t. You were on your phone and watching tv instead which is why i got upset. Like i said before, the way you were acting reminded me of my ex and it triggered something for me which is also why i got upset. After all this, i am a human with feelings so of course I’m going to get hurt. I would like to be friends. We can still talk and maybe we can still hang out and smoke together if you’re down but obviously sleeping together isn’t a good idea right now and i dont want to so that.

I’ll be honest, the whole time you were talking to me, i just kept waiting for something like this to happen and here it is.

You’re right. You’re very confusing and obviously don’t know what you want. You made all the first moves and ended it first too. You said you wanted a friendship and i said i did too and now you dont even want that. You’re very back and forth and yeah, i dont need someone like that in my life. You aren’t listening to anything that ive said, youre just getting defensive when im trying to just talk through it. We were just fwb i get it and like ive said multiple times, thats all i wanted from you. I never saw you as a guy to meet my parents or to hang out with my friends. Just someone to fuck at the end of the night. This all got messy because of you. I’m a human with emotions so stop trying to gaslight me into making me think what i feel is wrong.

#emilijasdiary

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