#emo is ultimate gender envy

[wonderbutch]

genres and bands i listen to and how i got into them: an entirely too long useless list i made instead of sleeping

celtic punk

shoutout to the genre ever? i grew up listening to celtic punk literally since i was born. my dad sucks but his music taste does not. this genre is 32% responsible for my leftist punk attitude, which is ironic if you know anything about my father.

- the dropkick murphys: first band i can ever remember hearing. as a toddler i called them “the bastards”. still a favourite forever and everrr. their newish album “this machine still kills fascists” fucks HARD. the band will forever be a formative reminder of my working class upbringing in a miners family

- the rumjacks: late nights and early mornings in my dads car introduced me to this band. i really will tell me ma when i get home and i wont feel guilty about it

- paddy and the rats: one of the only celtic punk bands i actually discovered on my own. in 2018 i went on a sailing ship for a week and that got me rlly into celtic punk again LMAO. this band is so fucking good

emo/pop punk

i was 13 and tbh it was a phase but i still love listening to fob and mcr and sws

- my chemical romance: unironically i think i got into them through band memes

- fall out boy: literally just thru scrolling through youtube when i was 12

- [REDACTED]: [REDACTED]

- sleeping with sirens: this band shaped me as a person. kellin quinn the original gender envy. ohhh i miss this band sm

- all time low: a kid in my class in year 7 introduced me to all time low and ill remember him forever for it. hope youre well, jaiden.

- la dispute: got to see them live last year after @starcam413 got me into them! theyre kinda more screamo like sws but not in the same way as sws but definitely emo too

- set it off: this band is still SO GOOD. so fucking good oh my god. truly the fucking era

- the score: i was a greek mythology nerd as a kid (its my major now!) of course i listened to the score. i miss being 13 and listening to the score on youtube on my laptop at 3am so bad

folk punk

celtic punk and folk punk are very related, and i grew up listening to bands like the pogues and the violent femmes. is it really any wonder how i ended up Like This

- the violent femmes: as a child my dad would play country death song in the car. yes i am mentally ill and have daddy issues can you blame me????? (the song is literally about killing your daughter and then offing yourself)

- toby foster: really one of my proper introductions to the genre and what ultimately led me to discover bands like ajj and pat the bunny. found him on youtube through his song tennessee. i was 13 i think?

- pat the bunny: after toby foster i was completely hooked on the genre and of course ended up listening to the king himself, pat the bunny. your heart is a muscle the size of your fist is such a comfort song to me even now. it sucks he no longer makes music but im very happy he got sober!

- schmekel: im trans and punk of course i listen to schmekel. fantastic trans and jewish band that helped me a lot with my transness as a young teen

- mal blum: im counting his music as folk punkish, sue me. no idea how i got into them either. their song new years eve is the song i listen to on repeat every single new years eve, and i have yet to change this tradition. Help Me.

- the front bottoms: I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS. THEIR EARLIER ALBUMS ARE FOLK PUNK AS HELL. genuinely my favourite band ever. i can’t remember how i got into them but is how i ended up friends with @starcam413 (hi jon!)

- she/her/hers: sooo formative to me when i was 15/16 struggling with being trans.

- harley poe: ohh i love this guy so fucking much. why do i relate so much to a middle aged divorced man????

- days n daze: one of the most popular folk punk bands so i mean. Duh. sooo good i love them.

punk

- the sex pistols: listen. listen to me LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN. i dont even fucking like this band. in fact i despise it. but because my dad is an idiot, he loves this band and played it a lot when i was a kid.

- the queers: i think i heard them on a spotify playlist last year? big fan.

- the muslims: i believe this was recommended to me on reddit?? amazing black and brown queer band, i love it a lot

- tribe 8: im a lesbian with a complicated gender identity of course i listen to tribe 8. trans queer punk band that i listened to a lot when i was like 15 i think

- against me!: listened to them a lot when i was 15

new wave/post punk

got into this genre in 2022 and Hella into it late last year. blame paper girls brainrot.

- devo: got into them in 2022 thanks to an online friend hi ira 🌀 theyve never made a single bad song

- the cure: once again my dad showed me a lot of the cure when i was a kid and getting into music

- blondie: ….have you seen the batman and harley quinn movie….please dont make me say more. the first cassette in my collection is from this band!

- new order: one of my favourite bands right now. like most things for the last three years of my life, i got into this band because of a comic book. the tv adaption of paper girls features two new order songs and it got me absolutely hooked on this band.

rock/all that shit??

- danzig: once again you can blame paper girls for this

- bon jovi: also paper girls. i am obsessed with jon bon jovi’s hair in the 90s. gender envy as fuck

- queen: when i was 14 i found my grandpas mp3 player from the 2000s, he was a big fan of queen. i ended up putting all my music on the mp3 player and ive used it every single day since.

- billy joel: i was raised by my grandmother of course i listened to billy joel. played a lot on our old radio with my nans ipod when i was a kid. apparently my nan isnt even a big fan of him so i guess he was only formative to me lol????

indie

probably one of my most listened to genres just because. i have no reason. ive come to realise that most of my indie music taste is stolen from aura.

- girl in red: shoutout to discovering im a lesbian in 2017/2018 and to my best friend @vampoholica for introducing me to girl in red

- bastille: i love bastille sm icarus is such a good song and as a greek mythology kid i was so obsessed. bad blood youll always be famous to me

- mitski: oguhfhgh i dont know how i got into mitski but good lord. literally life changing.

- the smiths: fuck morrissey. i think this too was aura’s fault and i forgive them bc i love the smiths

- chloe moriondo: ahh the youtube ukulele era how i miss you

- alex g: i can’t remember how i got into alex g but i got into his music in 2022 and now im obsessed and unwell about him

- adrienne lenker: again this is aura’s fault and i am so fine with that. music sooo devastating it makes u wanna throw up and sleep forever

- elliott smith: i started listening to him because of simon vs the homo sapiens agenda

okay thats it thank u for reading this stupid post lol

[wesleyss]

tyler lawrence gray + he/him + cis male – have you seen wesley ‘wes’ lafleur around los angeles? the twenty two year old is usually jamming to hysteria by muse. word around the city is that they’re adventurous, yet, they can also be reckless, but you didn’t hear that from me. they’re currently an influencer, model and trust fund baby and are typically seen walking the streets of los angeles with a joint tucked behind his ear. when i think of them, i think of saying ‘fuck it’ before making the stupidest decisions known to man, tired hazel eyes rimmed with smudged black eyeliner as he does the walk of shame at 5 am, snorting lines off his cellphone as his agent urgently calls him. let’s hope the city treats them good!

subplot #3

muse d and muse e have been best friends, ride or dies, the ultimate friendship goals since they met in their freshman year of high school, instantly clicking right off the bat. sleepovers, vacations together, stories and posts of one another, it seemed like the bond these two had was absolutely unbreakable, envied rich kids by most people and a relationship you only find once in a lifetime, if you’re lucky. that all drastically changed one day when muse e’s mother and father file for a divorce without further explanation, only for a few days later, the news that muse d had slept with both muse e’s parents manages to surface through an anonymous blog, which resulted in the divorce of muse e’s parents. the bond they once had shatters, and despite muse d’s consistent apologies and explanations that what happened wasn’t only on them, that they were roped into it all, well, muse e refuses to believe that their parents are guilty in this, even if they may or may not know that they are. muse e’s family is now destroyed thanks to muse d, and aside from losing their family, they also lost their best friend in the process. will muse d and muse e ever manage to get through this? or has this ended their lifelong friendship for good? muse d - taken by wesley lafleur ( tyler lawrence gray fc ) muse e - open

basic stats ;

⟶ full name: wesley frederique lafleur kapone ⟶ nicknames: usually just goes by wesley or wes ⟶ three things he likes: people who smell good and have general good hygiene, profiteroles, making fun of people from reality tv shows ⟶ three things he dislikes: dirty fingernails, being alone with his thoughts, instigators ⟶ gender: cis male   ⟶ height: 5 ‘ 10 ⟶ age: 22 ⟶ birthday: august 18, 2001 ⟶ zodiac: leo sun, aries moon, capricorn ascendant   ⟶ right handed or left handed: left handed   ⟶ eye color: emerald green, looks light hazel depending on the lighting ⟶ hair color: light brown ⟶ piercings and tattoos: a cartilage piercing on his left ear, usually covered by his hair, earlobe piercing on that same ear, no tattoos ⟶ languages spoken: french ( native tongue ) and english   ⟶ sexuality / romantic orientation: homosexual / homoromantic ⟶ place of birth: marseille, france ⟶ last five songs listened to: trust in you by the offspring, if i’m james dean, you’re audrey hepburn by sleeping with sirens, shadow moses by bring me the horizon, i’m not okay ( i promise ) by my chemical romance, faint by linkin park ⟶ five aesthetics: black nail polish and golden rings, the loud banging of the drums at ungodly hours, a flirtatious smile, turning up your music loud emo music to drown out your heavy thoughts, smudged eyeliner and dilated pupils after a crazy night ⟶ character inspo: harlan briggs from wolf pack, ian gallagher from shameless, patrick blanco from elite

background story ;

✘ wesley was born in the french city marseille to french parents lisa kapone and alain lafleur, five minutes after his twin sister ( wanted connection ). his father was heir of lafleur lounges ( basically hotel resorts and lounges similar to a french version of hilton hotels ), while his mother was miss france in 1999 and a well known fashion designer ( the vera wang of europe, if you must ). him and his sister were born into a lot of money, practically a golden spoon in his mouth, spoiled to the core. anything he wanted, he received, and shortly after the twins were born, his parents got married, basically those parents that are head over heels for each other, an envy worthy love story with golden twins  –  they were the it family in europe, that rich, opulent family in the public eye that everyone wanted to know

✘ his childhood was anyone’s wet dream. he was rich, he was spoiled, and his parents loved him more than anything in this world, that much was evident, and for the first few years of his life, wesley was a happy kid. around the time he actually began school however, it was clear that something was off

✘ he couldn’t read as well as the other kids. in fact, he had a problem with reading in general. he was also a very hyperactive kid with an inability to sit still, did things impulsively without much thought. his teachers labeled him as the kid who didn’t want to pay attention or didn’t care, and this is all anyone ever saw from him. he didn’t know why everyone understood things, and he just… didn’t. this made wesley feel like he was stupid compared to his classmates, which, just resulted in him acting out even more

✘ the following years are uneventful. it’s mostly him, his sister and his mother, or him, his sister and his nanny whenever his mother couldn’t be around, considering her job. his father however, is barely present. by the time wesley is nine is when he unintentionally catches his father cheating through listening in on a phone call. not sure what to do with this information, he doesn’t know if he should tell his mother or not. really, he doesn’t have to decide, because soon enough, his mother catches his father in the act and it just turns into a huge argument

✘ that happy, perfect family they once were is no longer there. his mother forgives his father, but things are never the same again. wesley didn’t understand why she forgave him for what he did, but really, it was just for the appearance, for the sake of keeping the family together and, because she had too much to lose. by the time he’s ten, they move to the states in an attempt to patch things up, but it only gets worse from that point on

✘ wesley’s father is never around, and, as a way to cope, his mother turns into one of those wine moms that spends her days day drinking with her group of friends and taking valium and xanax, quitting fashion altogether and living off the fortune they’ve already created. it’s like his mother is there, but it’s like she’s also not really there. wesley’s form of coping is through music, mostly the drums

✘ school in a new country, where he doesn’t speak the language, is incredibly hard for him. he couldn’t read well in french, so learning to read in english was just hell for him. learning to speak english was also proven to be difficult. there were days where he would cry in the middle of class and out of all the kids in the class, only one of them wouldn’t laugh at him. it was evident that there was an underlying issue, and thankfully, this time around, wesley had a teacher that actually did care about his well being

✘ several check ups and tests later, and wesley is diagnosed with dyslexia and adhd. suddenly, things make a ton of sense for him. he understood why he struggled so much in school, and while he hated this diagnosis, it felt relieving to know why he had such a difficult time with things kids his age picked up on. with a personal tutor just for him and being put in a special ed class, he began understanding things a lot more, finally dealing with teachers who taught him the way he needed to be taught

✘ while it took him longer than most kids to catch up on things, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders whenever he had a breakthrough. things begin looking up for him at school, but at home, everything just seems to worsen. wesley learns to take care of himself, as his mother grows more and more detached from his life. in a mansion filled with fast cars, work staff and anything anyone could ever dream of, wesley has never felt more alone

✘ ! tws for suicide, drug abuse, self mutilation and hospitalization ! things take a toll for the worst by the time he’s twelve. one day, when he comes back from school, his sister is at a friends house, so he does his usual routine but his mother never comes out of her room, clearly drunk to ask him how his day was. when entering her room, he notices she’s sound asleep, or at least, this is what he thinks. fast forward a good five hours and wesley decides to try and wake her up. finding her unresponsive, he immediately calls 911, only to learn that his mother passed away from a successful suicide attempt, a mixture of pills enough to put a horse to sleep, according to doctors. with the amount of pills and alcohol that she mixed together, her body just couldn’t take it. obviously, wesley’s father, and his sister, rush back home, the first time he’s seen his father in over three weeks. they just mourn together. that day, wesley was never really the same person again

✘ the day of her funeral, right after, wesley finds himself in the bathroom, angry with himself. why didn’t he walk in sooner? why did it take him so long to realize? why is it all his fault? his thoughts consume him, one thing leads to another, and he finds himself punching the bathroom mirror, over, and over, and over again. to not get too into detail, his father hears him having a break down, walks in, and immediately calls the police on wesley when he see’s the condition his hand is left in. this is the first, and thankfully the last time he was ever hospitalized. he was involuntarily admitted for five days ! end of tws !

✘ unfortunately, his father views this as an act of disobedience and impulsiveness. while he had diagnosed adhd, his mother never wanted to put him on adderall or any other medicine used to treat adhd. his father however, immediately sends him to a psychiatrist and gets him prescribed for the first time ever. adderall, 30 milligrams, which yes, does help him concentrate, but really fucks with his appetite and essentially, makes him feel like a zombie. simply put, wesley doesn’t feel like himself whenever he takes this

✘ when his teenage years come around, as a way to cope, he begins trying just about everything, from narcotics, to alcohol, to first times, you get the idea. he’s quick to realize that he can pull a lot male attention, and he uses that to his advantage. getting high helps him forget that one, he has dyslexia and adhd, and two, it helps him feel like he’s not just that kid. smoking weed calms him down and keeps him steady, and soon enough, he realizes that having an adderall prescription is a huge advantage. despite the fact that he doesn’t need the money, he begins flipping his script, selling to his classmates. he likes the attention it gives him, ever the attention whore, this is also when he starts building his social media platform

✘ it’s funny how easily it comes to him. he posts pictures on instagram and immediately starts gaining attention because of his looks and his last name. this, during the years, opens doors for him. it starts off with modeling gigs, then sponsorships, then a few commercials, until eventually, he’s getting by on his looks. wesley uses this to his advantage completely, because while he knows he isn’t intelligent, one thing he can count on is looking hot 

✘ his coping mechanism becomes narcissism and narcotics, or ‘nn’ as he calls it. it’s just so easy to act like he’s better than everyone else when he couldn’t hate himself more, despite the countless thirsty comments on his posts, those people just don’t know him. he manages to make a name for himself in the industry, leaving his past behind him, keeping his dyslexia a secret and avoiding college once high school is over but… it can really only be so long before it all catches up to him

headcanons ;

✘ wesley tends to bury up his childhood traumas. from his cheating father, to his mothers death, to the time he got hospitalized  –  he keeps this side of himself hidden. in a way, he wants people to believe that he’s perfect in every sense of the word, when he’s actually a crippling mess. that’s why his hair is so big and curly, because it’s full of secrets

✘ he hasn’t taken his adderall prescription in over two years already and he never wants to take it again. it just makes him feel like a damn zombie, he genuinely hates the way that it makes him feel. he also doesn’t sell his prescription anymore, he definitely left that behind in high school

✘ he blames himself for his mother’s death. it’s honestly one of his biggest regrets and childhood trauma’s, knowing that if maybe he had realized sooner, something could have been done. he replays that image over and over again in his head and he hates it, it’s something that genuinely scarred him

✘ he’s like… a whore. anything to get his mind off shit. he loves attention, whether it be negative or positive. maybe it’s the attention he lacked growing up, but he just wants to feel valid in whatever way possible

✘ he went to a special ed class for all of middle school, but began normal classes his freshman year, at another school, with a personal tutor after class, which is where he met his ( ex ) best friend, aka muse e. he feels awful for what happened, deeply regrets it, and isn't even sure why he slept with the mother, considering the fact he isn't physically or romantically attracted to females at all. he just liked the attention from both of them, he just wanted to feel validated... go to therapy but okay

✘ wesley never went to college and has no intentions of ever doing so. to him, high school was enough. truth be told, he can read and he’s certainly gotten better, he just has a harder time than the average person. like, learning english was definitely hell for him. aside from not wanting to further his education, he also has no real reason to. he was born into a rich family and is now a public figure, he really doesn’t need a degree, as money has never been an issue for him

✘ his hobbies ( or job description ) consists of playing the drums, modeling, posting pictures, he’s really just living his best life. he has a youtube account in which he posts drum covers ( literally think like matt mcguire and tobines on youtube ). he’s a good drummer, takes it as a stress reliever, just banging on shit if he’s had a rough day

✘ he has a scar across his knuckles from where he punched the mirror repeatedly that day after his mother’s funeral, but tells people it’s from a fight he got into ages ago, shows off about it and all, but if people really only knew the truth – he’s very much there’s more than meets the eye

✘ he just wants to be loved secretly, but a part of him feels like he’s not worthy of shit, so meaningless sex, flings, and drugs it is. he finds it so much easier to detach himself, loves to party and have a good time, will go to three different parties in one night and won't be back home until the morning

✘ he really enjoys working out. it keeps his mind occupied, he likes the idea of having a nice body. kind of overly obsessed with his looks as well, because secretly, he kind of feels like him being attractive is the only thing he has going for him, hence the influencer status

✘ wesley hates when people want to make him feel stupid. he’s been in the public eye for a while and judged for ages by people he doesn’t even know, so at this point, he has his own way of dealing with trolls and people criticizing him. it takes a lot to make him mad, as he usually takes criticism and people being mean to him as a joke, definitely the type to laugh if he’s being made fun of because he couldn’t care less, so when he does get mad… it’s serious, and a way to make him mad is by making him feel dumb

✘ makes a bunch of really dumb tweets. his entire twitter is just a meme at this point

✘ he can be a jerk for a lot of things, but he definitely takes things like mental illness really seriously, especially after what happened to his mother. it's all fun and jokes, but the second someone is sad, watch him suddenly be like 'are you okay? do you need something?'

✘ he has a pet bunny he named money bunny, he impulsively bought him after getting stoned out of his mind and named him equally as stoned. he loves this bunny with his entire life, definitely his emotional support animal

✘ constantly paints his nails black, doesn’t like any other color, will wear black eyeliner when going out to parties, honestly believes that clothes shouldn’t have a gender, just does whatever he wants

✘ he really loves music that can be considered emo. bands like sleeping with sirens, asking alexandria, my chemical romance, falling in reverse, etc, have gotten him through some really hard times. definitely an emo boy at heart, even if he doesn’t give off the ‘vibe’. essentially though, he listens to everything. if he likes the sound, he’ll listen to it

✘ huge leo energy. you will feel his presence as soon as he walks into a room. loves and hates himself at the same time and has very big goofy vibes. he’s a super fun time to be around, he rarely takes shit seriously and it’s comical

✘ he has freckles all over his face but is actually pretty insecure about this. anytime he’s about to do a photoshoot, he asks the make up artist to cover up his freckles. he doesn’t like them, at all

✘ his next mental breakdown is long overdue, but lets see how long he’s ‘okay’ for. sociopath energy, he will break down crying and then look in the mirror and pose with tears running down his cheeks… like okay psycho

wanted connections ;

i bet i can’t remember you… no, i actually really can’t remember you: this is a messy connection, but give me a guy he drunkenly gave a blowjob to at a party and genuinely cannot recall doing it. your muse probably remembers it but wesley? watch him go damn that’s crazy… who are you again?

work out time: gym buddies! these two met at the gym, could have become friends through working out!

why are we friends? look at the shoes you’re wearing: very very unlikely friends, friends who have no idea how they even ended up becoming friends, but are friends anyways, watch him tell this unfortunate soul all his gay adventures

you’re the most irritating person i’ve ever met: someone who genuinely can’t stand him whatsoever. at all. not even a little bit. it’s very easy to hate him because he’s the worst so i don’t even blame this person

i hate that i don’t hate you: an unrequited crush. an unfortunate soul who likes him but he’s just the worst. he’s also the stupidest person ever, so he would be completely oblivious to this crush as well

let’s talk shit about everyone in the room: besties who trash talk everyone, no one is free from the mouth of these two. watch someone walk in with sweats and get roasted for absolutely no reason at all

or, we can brainstorm!

birthchart ;

[tears0fsatan]

yeah fr 😭 yeah im holdin on for dear life rn lmao just one more assessment thingy and then exams yayyyyy and fuck yes we will!!!!

god not the lessons 😭😭 i hate grinding exp so much but im doing it for my boys............YEAH LEONA ULTIMATE GENDER ENVY FR god bless miss toboso. and yeah epel haha.......aside from him i do kin idia too so. yknow. thanks for the luck lmao. how could i not pick vil he is just sooooooooooo

WOAH NICE getting a place of your own sounds amazing i'd love that for me one day.......also damn you're gonna become even sexier than before. things will def get better!! im manifesting it!!!!!!!!!!!

im kinda the opposite, im too lazy to search for fan-translations when it comes to jp games lol so i just stick with en servers but it's okay hehe maybe once i get used to twst enough i'll play the jp server too :D

-🔶

GRINDING EXP GOT ON MY NERVESSSSS i know its useful to level up our cards for later lessons but damn 😞 its so time consuming nd boring 😞 but epel AND idia???? ... hows ur anxiety 😭 thas a lot of anxiety packed into one tiny body 😭

u WILL move into ur own place 🤺 u WILL have the place of ur dreams 🤺 i'll beat up anyone that gets in the way of u living the life of ur dreams 🤺 didn't know that emos were ur thing but thanks AHAHA

I KNOW WHAT U MEAN translations can be so cumbersome to look for if the story is long + there are a lot of limited story events 😭 tbh i usually prefer the fan tls bc they make more sense than the official english tls 💀 but if u do get the jp twst add me >:] i'll carry u wit my jamil card 💪

[fridayiminlovemp3]

Howl from howls moving castle!!! The ultimate gender envy. Also Gerard way :/. Wanna be androgynous and also covered in blood

oh to be pretty emo boy with long hair,,, 😔😔😔

[tears0fsatan]

MWAHAHA maybe i am a psychic who knows wink wonk

SERIOUSLY I AM SO PREPARED FOR SCHOOL TO END ALREADY wish i could be more excited but ive still got a few projects and then next week's fuckin exam week aaaaaaaa

YEAHHHHHHHH i wasnt expecting to get this attached honestly like?? and yes the character designs are what low-key made me play the game....leona vil and jamil are literally so Gender I CANT also LMAOOOOOOO NOT EPEL he's more of a kin lol. dont really have an overall fave yet tbh. i want to say vil bc he's Gorgeous but im not used to his actual personality yet aha. everyone is so likeable tbh

also aw life may have been doozy for you but im glad to see you're getting through! and good to hear about your aunt too. hope your dad and you get better soon :[

and I WOULD ADD U!! DROP THEM GAME IDS BABY i mean i only play genshin and twst but still

-🔶

waaa sounds like ur schedule will be packed right up until school ends 😭 U CAN DO IT!! JUS A LIL MORE ND THEN THE SWEET RELEASE OF SLUMBER!!!! u n me got exams comin up nd we will both ace the shit out of them got it! no ifs or buts!

twst does that to a person fr... its addictive as hell..... and the lessons don't drop fast enough to be obsessed with it 😞 NO SHUT UP LEONA IS ULTIMATE GENDER ENVY LEONA, MALLEUS ND KALIM ARE TOOOO GENDER. let's thank whichever god decided yana toboso for having the character design ideas 🙏 hon... oh im so sorry if epel's a kin... 😭😭 good luck with the pressure and expectations from those around u my love 🙏 based as hell for picking vil.. the prettiest petty ass bitch!

the only thing keeping me going is that i'm moving out in a few months amen 🤞 that and the fact that soon i'll be the flirty, emo, tattooed barista at the coffee shop u only went to once but can't forget about LMFAOOOO but thank u! things will turn out for the better eventually :]

I USUALLY PLAY JP SERVERS FOR GACHA GAMES BUT I'LL ADD MY GENSHIN IDs (i would add my eng twst id but i lost my acc lololol) it'll be in my intro page huehuehue >:) (psst im online on genshin rn if u wanna join me)