#emotional overload is real and no I won't be normal about it

[biromanticbookbabe]

Also I was testing the censors on the icons, unintentionally. Originally my icon had Gerry saying "Fuck Yeah" then "Hell Yeah" then finally "Heck Yeah" but with an exclamation mark.

I can't imagine her ever saying "Heck Yeah" but hopefully you get the point. And even that got cut off so we're stuck with my current mess of an icon until I decide to make another one.

[aroaceconfessions]

Okay, so this here is in relation to this ask.

I Mean, if it's fucking up your life then yeah, seek help, but ALSO, don't forget that repulsion is normal, even if it gets too intense in some moments, it's just like getting overwhelmed, sensory overloaded, over stimulated. As someone who feels stuff strongly, both in emotions and physical, I have (many) other repulsions besides sex and romance and sincerely, I can't avoid some of them. I'm just writing this because I'm kind of on the opposite side, I think it should be normalized not only as an A-spec experience but to acknowledge that some allos on a bad day might also feel it (which I've seen happen) either because they just broke up or cause they simply can't deal with that right now. So here are some of my other repulsions to illustrate what I'm saying:

Tact: The feeling of sticky sweaty skin irks me so much I recoil as if I'm burnt. Get tf away, it's disgusting for me.

Sight: I see someone eating stroganoff I gag slightly, like I hate that shit whole heartedly. Any time I see someone pouring cream on savory food is just– Nope, thank you, enjoy your utter lack of good taste, don't mind me if I don't look at you while you eat it as we talking.

Taste: If I bite the tiniest piece of bell pepper I'll spit it out and I can't eat anything that has its taste too predominantly, I would rather starve the whole day.

Smell: I have no allergies at all but certain perfumes I strongly dislike can get me nauseated, feeling so uncomfortable it triggers my migraine and gets me depressed on certain instances, some smells from trauma, some just because I can't stand strong smells, it could be my favorite smell and if it's too strong ill still get repulsed.

Hearing: The sound of styrofoam gives me shivers, gets me shaking and might even gives me muscle spasms and make me cry from repulsion. (yep, this one can get real fucking bad, like nails on a chalkboard can be for some).

I've met people who also had strong repulsion to stuff and some who had phobias, which is something entirely different and if it's to the point of becoming a phobia then go see a professional. Sex, as a visual and auditory stimulus, is way lighter for me most of the time than all of these, I'm just uncomfortable and like "I've seen enough, get me out of here".

Romance on the other hand can fuck me up on a bad day. I got bedridden in a past V-Day, like, fucking sick. But it was as if I was forced to eat bell peppers on a stroganoff while smelling strong perfumes to the sound of styrofoam as I was hugged by someone very sweaty and very sticky which is to illustrate that the influx of romantic content was way higher than the usual, so although such strong reaction is not normal, the situation that caused it was also not the everyday norm either.

I never hid my repulsion to those things (I won't let people know how bad it gets with the styrofoam for safety reasons, but still), I'm not proud of them, why would I be, but they exist and I acknowledge them so I can avoid them. But since forever I was made to feel that being sex repulsed was something to be embarassed of and to be romance repulsed was synonymous with not having a heart and being evil. I was only made comfortable to say "hey, can you not talk about romance with me this week?" once in my whole life, while if you've met me for over a week you know I don't fuck with stroganoff.

There's a word for this stuff where I come from. It's called Ginge/gingi. Usually used to refer to sounds like nail on a chalkboard, it indicates a strong negative reaction to a totally unrelated stimulus, that shouldn't be able to produce such result. It's a physical reaction like shivers, dizziness and such, or a neurological discomfort caused by a sound, a feeling, a sight. Like when someone bouncing their legs non stop or popping their jaw feels beyond annoying, it makes you uncomfortable, sick even, bad brain tingles, the opposite of ASMR.

Anyways, most of the time romance sucks more than bell peppers but way less than styrofoam, and that's okay cause they all suck and being forced to see/eat/hear something that makes you uncomfortable is not OK, and it will only get that bad if you constantly are forced to do so. If I can go through life just picking out the bell peppers from my yakisoba and placing it on the side of my plate or straight up asking people to not put it in when I buy it, then I can do the same with Romance and sex, and even if sometimes they feel like styrofoam, I have some pretty strong headphones.

[prompt-master]

please please PLEASE spill your thoughts about a V3 rewrite!!!

I have a lot of thoughts regarding some v3 rewrites but we'll stay simple here and talk about some concepts surrounding Saihara and how to better portray his character.

Saihara is a fantastic character with an interesting arc and generally the concepts of his character thematically are great. But often times the writing and game play does not do him justice.

One reason for this, in my opinion, is that the game treats him like Akamatsu, Hinata, and Naegi. They treat him like a normal, good protagonist. But he ISN'T. Saihara is a support character who was forced against his will to take on being the protagonist, which means the game should use that.

Because Saihara has no real will of his own. From the beginning, he takes on Akamatsu's will. And afterwards he is impacted by Momota's will. And even Ouma and Harukawa's. Saihara, unlike our other protagonists, does not need aid with finding the clues, he needs a MOTIVATOR.

this is why often times it can be frustrating playing as Saihara: because he is a detective. I think it's fair to say he is the most frustrating of the bunch, because unlike the others he IS an expert in solving mysteries. It can make Saihara feel very dumb at times (for me, this frustration showed most in ch5 lol).

The problem here is that the writers FORGOT the reason WHY Saihara struggles to solve mysteries. It's not for difficulty solving mysteries, but entirely because of his mental health.

Saihara is a character built around dependency issues and the wills of other people, and this could be used fantastically to make the ending more satisfying. Throughout the game, there could be an increase in pressures from the others who entirely rely on Saihara, and an increase in pressure from the people who SAIHARA entirely relies on to function. It could all explode in chapter 6, where Saihara just completely breaks.

All the wills that he had taken to heart, all the people he has been working and living for even though he's wanted to die this entire time: suddenly none of it even matters. The major plot twist doesn't even change his mental image of Akamatsu! She's still the same person he thought she was at the end of ch1. So what good did the truth do for him here, besides cause more pain? What good did the truth do for Akamatsu? She fucking died for THIS truth? All this does is further reinforce Saihara's believe that Akamatsu herself taught him to abandon: the truth is pointless because it always hurts.

Of course he breaks. Of course the first will of his own after all this time is "this entire thing is bullshit." He is finally being his own person, not relying on others, and not caring about those relying on him. He's "fake" but goddamn, did all of this hurt still. They were still people, and that's why he just wants this shit done for real. He won't play into the "good" or "bad" ending, he never even wanted to be the protag in the first place.

Now imagine this in terms of gameplay: Saihara after investigating understands the mystery, but doesn't express it to the player so that we can still figure it out. Instead, when he says incorrect answers it entirely has to do with his stress and anxiety, which furthers said emotions. We could have something similar to Hintata's breakdown in ch6, where the trials visuals and difficulty is aligned with how stressed Saihara is. Text gets harder to read, it becomes harder for him to concentrate, the three way debates could be the result of sensory overload making it more difficult to think, ect.

This could explain why the trials get more difficult as time goes on for Saihara. We could switch it so that he takes on EVERYONES will. Not just his motivators, but also those who have died. I can see Saihara being inspired by the last wills of Toujo and Hoshi and Gonta and Angie and Chabashira ect. As the game progresses not only is he taking on more mental stress trying to juggle and satisfy these mental wills, but he's also having to handle the way the living overly rely on him to solve the trials. It further damages his mental stress, and makes things so much harder.

That could explain why he had such a difficult time catching on in ch5. Think of how much would be going on at that point! He's lost his real motivator after a massive break up, and the temporary one (harukawa) is under her own intense duress and acting irrationally too. Saihara's character in this chapter particularly could have been heavily benefitted by mention of Akamatsu: who's will imparted on saihara was to find the truth no matter how much it hurt. Of course he doesn't realize he SHOULDNT solve this mystery. He's too busy thinking of satisfying his promise to her. He's so blinded by this desire that hes been LIVING that he doesnt realize how bad the truth is here.

In other words: saihara should have been a character that utilized the build up of dependency issues and mental stress to its advantage. The build up is all there. It IS. but for some reason the game doesnt properly utilize it and often times it can make saihara and the game feel weak. Especially with how the game will go hot and cold on saiharas confidence (which could work, if used well due to his reliance on motivators, but felt more like inconsistency in the game)

[museontheside]

This is definitely the hardest part for me. Stopping myself from criticizing my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Letting myself just feel what I need to feel without shaming or guilting myself for my feelings is... so strange. And difficult? Bah. Brains!

I think... I think being consistently emotionally and sometimes physically neglected as a child coupled with undiagnosed autism resulting in constant bullying are the roots of my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's such a fucked aspect of cPTSD and I wish I'd known about any of this stuff sooner for so many reasons. I spent so much of last year trying to just soldier through all the feelings and not share my struggles with them in order to protect the other people in my life from their own feelings about them but also just because I was so fucking ashamed of feeling so... lost and alone and rejected and unloved because I knew those things weren't true but they felt so real and all consuming and not being able to reconnect with anyone in person and not ever having set plans to do so just fed those beasts so much. And the longer I sat on it, the more desperate and unseen I felt, but at the same time, the monster grew so large that it felt unspeakable. Any time a little leaked out, I felt overwhelmed (and now I look back and see how incredibly burnt out I was, just constantly, with zero reprieve from constant overload excepting short windows of time while the family left the house and I laid in the quiet desperately wishing for just a little more time. [I feel like I've spent years desperately wanting just a little more time. For quiet. For myself. For my loves. For the things that fill my cup. But fuck, this fucking pandemic.]) And I felt like... no one wanted to hear it or acknowledge it or make plans to try to address it better because I couldn't even articulate how much I was struggling and I was so ashamed of why (which I know isn't productive or whatever, hence me working on it so much currently. 🙄)

Anyway, it's fucked how much childhood trauma impacts our entire lives and how we don't talk enough about emotional neglect and other insidious forms of trauma as a collective and therefore so much of it is normalized. Oh and earlier this week I read about how common it is for folks with cPTSD to have dysautonomia attacks as triggered panic attacks and whoa. I... there's been times when I was so confused about the onset and intensity of a dysautonomia attack but knowing it was literally triggered by cPTSD makes so much sense. I had my first one in months a couple of weeks ago in bed and was concerned my health was going to take a turn again but now I know exactly what caused it and I'm not concerned. (Ugh one of my most memorable ones from the last couple of years embarrassed me so fucking much and I couldn't even talk about it with the person who witnessed it because I had no idea. Just... no idea that it could be triggered by phrasing and intonation. And my autopilot took over and tried to soothe them and myself and I'm pretty sure it just made them angry and ... I don't know, it fucking sucks that I don't feel like I can trust my brain anymore. I want to. I want to be able to openly talk about all the things I need to but also... 🤷 Bah.) Today is housework and self care again. Signing up for the Y and... ooo maybe I can go swimming Tuesday after my appointment since NP will be working from home and so I won't have to plan for the child. I just need to pull out some suits and see what fits, I guess.