#end of life planning

[sacrificethemtothesquid]

Planning as an act of love

Okay, I’m going to get serious for a moment. I’m going to get very very graphic, but I want to emphasize exactly how important it is to TALK about end-of-life planning.

I live in Oregon, in the USA. I have no idea how it works in other states. I have no idea how it works in other countries. I just know what happened to me this week and I am so horrified and furious and frustrated that I need to scream into the void so that maybe, maybe, maybe my screaming can somehow prevent someone else from going through the same.

When my dad died, he died in a hospital. He was transferred to the morgue, and from there to the cremation service he and Mom had previously chosen. He and Mom knew the importance of planning ahead. They made their arrangements years ago and even put down deposits so that when the day came, all they would need to do is call a single phone number. Even though his death was sudden, the process went smoothly. He’s now five pounds of ash in a gorgeous burlwood box that Mom occasionally carries around the house. Eventually, he will be spread in Puget Sound according to his wishes. 

Simple. Straightforward. We do fire drills so that if the fire alarm goes off, our feet already know the distance to the rendezvous.  

My mother-in-law died on Thursday. Despite having a dementia diagnosis for fifteen years, she and my FIL didn’t make a single decision regarding end-of-life logistics. This resulted in her lying in her bed for TWELVE HOURS after her passing while FIL dithered about deciding on a funeral home. My husband, his sister and I went to the memory care place to collect her things, and she was still there. 

Have you ever seen anyone die? Do you want to know what it’s like? With Dad, his heartbeat lost cadence. We watched the pulse of his jugular, stark under his emaciated skin, as it stuttered out of time with his breath. He twitched as we held his hands, muscles straining as the signal faded, rallied, and faded again. We counted from a last breath, got to a minute, two minutes, and then he would gasp and we’d start over. Thirty seconds. One minute. Three minutes. Gasp. 

This went on for an afternoon. The sky was cloudless, a sharp cold February day brilliant as glacier ice. Sunlight flooded the room. We watched the clock. We watched his pulse. Mom held one of his hands. My sister held the other. I held theirs, my elbow making a dent in his edema-swollen calf. Spit and mucus congealed in his throat, each breath rasping in and out. This is what they call a death rattle. At exactly four o’clock, he gasped and we started our count again, but this time, we kept counting. Three minutes. Four minutes. Seven. Ten. I think my sister was the one who pressed the call button. The nurse came in and called the doctor to confirm he was gone. 

You know in your bones when someone is gone. It’s called an unnatural stillness, but death is a natural process. Stillness is the most natural part.

We weren’t there when my mother-in-law passed. This was a choice my husband and his sister made, and I respect that. Someone else brushed her hair and smoothed the blankets, arranging the tableau with thoughtful hands. Someone called hospice, who called us. “She’s gone,” they said, and in the next breath, asked about arrangements. There were none, and my father-in-law, overwhelmed and closed to suggestion, was legally the only one who could make the decision.

When we went to the memory care place, my mother-in-law was still there, lying in her bed in a carefully dark room. She was still. She was not sleeping. We took her things, silently packed up her sweaters and shirts and closed the door on a corpse. 

You know in your bones when someone is gone.

No one likes thinking about these things. It isn’t comfortable. It isn’t pleasant. Do you know what else isn’t pleasant? Scrolling through Google reviews with tears in your eyes. Looking at price lists because we live in a capitalist hellscape and it costs a great deal of money to die. Opening a website called Discount Cremation Services and then closing it immediately, because even though it’s five hundred dollars cheaper than the next option, you can’t bear to have your loved one processed in the same strip mall that sells used tires. Would you like to upgrade from a plastic urn to one of our more dignified options? How many copies of the death certificate do you need? Death has a bureaucracy: insurance, Social Security, property, banks and other financial institutions. Which ones require a notarized death certificate and which ones will accept a copy? 

I’m sorry for your loss. Will you be paying by credit or debit?

So get your shit together. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends. Find a list. Getting your affairs in order isn’t morbid. It’s an act of love. Do you know what you’d like done with your body when you die? Tell someone. Write it down. If you’re over a certain age and can pay ahead of time, do it. My parents used the Neptune Society. It was expensive, but worth every penny. 

Do you think you’re too young to be planning? You aren’t. What if you get hit by a car? What if you get cancer? Do you want the people who love you to be sitting together at a kitchen table with cold tea, desperately trying to remember if you ever mentioned that you wanted to be buried? Donated to science? What will happen to your cat? Your books? Who will close your bank account? Who will make your final Instagram post? 

Talk with your loved ones. Ask what they want. If they can afford it, have an estate lawyer look through their documents. Know the probate laws of your state. Do you know what power of attorney means? Or would you rather be holding a kleenex in your shaking hands as the customer service representative gently tells you you can’t access your dead parent’s bank account without it? 

We’re all right. We’re figuring things out. We’ve got each other and we’re muddling through. I just want to highlight the stark contrasts. It’s hard to talk about these things when everything is fine, but it’s worse to talk about them when everything isn’t. 

This isn’t suicidal. This isn’t morbid. It’s practical. It’s healthy. This is the fire drill. Know your exit. Please, please, please don’t wait until everything is on fire.

[nice-bright-colors]

This morning’s call:

Life Insurance, retirement funding, health questions, financial planning…ugh.

All things considered it went well. I’m guessing next week I’ll have to review a few options to change the current path I’m on.

Just for record, I answered ‘no’ to drug/ alcohol dependency, depression/ mental health issues, and sleep apnea.

I also gave an honest answer on my height and weight. So I guess we’ll see 🤷🏻‍♂️.

Holy shit I can’t believe it’s been 21 years since I last had any nicotine. I recently had a full panel of bloodwork done as well. That guy said that everything was fine and I appeared (at least from bloodwork) to be healthy for my age.

[naomiknight-17]

Dad has said I'm the executor of his will, but, as I suspected, he does not actually HAVE a will

He has had 2 heart attacks and is a diabetic approaching 70 and he has done zero end-of-life planning. Not a bit

So over coffee yesterday I was arguing to convince him to express what he wants and get it written down, and he was like

"Nah, I leave everything to you and your brother and you can figure it out"

And I'm like, yeah? And what about your first wife? Your other 4 daughters? Your current partner? Your OTHER current partner? You think none of them are going to fight me on that? Most of them have a legal claim to whatever you leave behind unless you PUT IT IN WRITING and have it notarized!"

And FINALLY he was like "Ugh, okay, get the will kits and I'll do it"

Great. Next step? Get him thinking about death planning. So I gently asked him to think about what he wants done with his remains.

And he says, "Oh, whatever, whatever they usually do, I don't care"

And like??? There are so many options you can't just say "whatever"???

So I say, "Okay well, do you want to be embalmed? Cremated? Directly cremated? Traditional burial? Aquamation? Natural or eco burial?"

And I wasn't trying to get him to give me an answer right away but I wanted him to THINK about it and have an answer ready for next time when we do the will kit but he chose direct cremation, no embalming. Ok! And do you have a plot or mausoleum spot picked out for your ashes?

"Scatter me in Algonquin Park"

Omg he HAS thought about this he has just been being evasive to give me an aneurysm I swear to fucking god

Also I had to Google to see if that's even legal, and he's dang lucky that it IS legal but jeez man like. If u already know you want to be cremated and scattered why didn't you SAY SO at the beginning holy shit

[lgbtq-archives]

𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 - 𝐈𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 | 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐖𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝?

[snafusheltoneyes]

Why, those older adults must be asking, do people in the prime of their lives seem to be preparing for their demise? The answers vary widely, from eminently practical concerns, such as crushing debt and climate change, to social factors, like wellness culture, diverse spiritual practices, and the desire of some millennials to “curate their afterlives.”

“We are a generation that is less willing to be shamed for our interests in difficult topics,” Doughty says. “We know that not talking about money has put us in a very difficult financial position, especially those that graduated around the time of the [September 2008 stock market] crash,” she adds. “And we know that not talking about death can lead to a less self-aware life.”

[littleprincessfawn]

tw. death, end of life planning, cancer, leukemia

Just checked the Tumblr queue limit and it's 1,000 posts. I can have up to 1,000 posts in my queue! If I schedule them to post one a day, that's... about 3 YEARS of daily posts. As someone facing leukemia who also has a child.. that's amazing. I could make a blog just for my child, and line up posts, so they get something from me everyday for 3 years after I'm gone.

Not that I am likely to die obviously it's quite the opposite. But this definitely makes me happy and feel relieved, it could be a great tool.

[quoteyourluck]

"Luck is the result of good planning and hard work." - Unknown

>> Click To Try Your Luck Today

[tessansgp]

WELLS-SHEFFIELD FUNERAL CHAPEL [Video]

[delicourse]

i miss them a little if im gonna be honest

[demapatto-art]

All | more body swap sillies

[hayden-christensen]

STAR WARS APPRECIATION WEEK 2023 MAY 25: FAVOURITE MOVIE ▸ EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH (2005) + trivia

In the original screenplay, when Anakin joins the Dark Side, he is no longer referred to as "Anakin", only as "Vader".

[in/sp]

[wazzi2ya]

Angel's thoughts after he starts dating Husk: Holy shit how is this happening. I have a boyfriend?? For real??? Did I have to die and go to Hell to find someone who actually likes me for who I really am??? Oh my god I'm gonna fuck this up completely, this is a mess, he cannot seriously want this with me holy fu—

Husk's thoughts after he starts dating Angel: Do I need one ring for each hand or just the two left ones? Or just the main one. This is too confusing, does he even like jewelry? Lord knows I can't wear one with the claws, maybe in a chain then? Ugh but it'd snag on the fur. Maybe I'll just ask him, seems easier. What about the cake...no wait, he doesn't like sweets, he might not even care, I'll check that out later. The hotel should be good for the ceremony I guess.

[ohitslen]

Average university experience

[bathask]

大人の発達障害だからじゃなく自己肯定感低いから教習所行くも自動車免許無理で原付のみ結婚も考えず就職無理で就労継続支援B型事業所しか仕事経験無い還暦過ぎなのか。自閉スペクトラム症でも発達障害やアスペルガー症候群等自閉症スペクトラムASD概念無い昔に挫けた侭ひきこもりでそろそろ終活の時期

[calvarycemetery]

Christmas grave decorations

Calvary Cemetery is aware of how important it is to remember your loved ones, particularly over the holidays. We provide a selection of Christmas grave decorations so that you can honour and remember them during this unique time of year. Our decorations, which range from candles and personalised ornaments to wreaths and garlands, provide their ultimate resting place a lovely and festive feel. Get in touch with us right now to find out more about our Christmas grave decoration services and to find out how we can help you create a heartfelt tribute for the holidays.