#especially bc every single time i feel a single negative emotion im like nope not doing that and i derail so besides it all flooding up
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kinda depressed abt this semester tbh
#really dont know if my depression is actly making a comeback and my mental health is taking a bigger hit from EVERYTHING or im just paranoid#especially bc every single time i feel a single negative emotion im like nope not doing that and i derail so besides it all flooding up#somewhere i genuinely dont know whether it's all like my depression coming back or if im just too overwhelmed by everything happening#because i AM overwhelmed like im so overwhelmed by everything i dont even know what's going on anymore my brain just blocks everything out#and then a little bit later it all comes back with new stuff and it's even worse#and what's worse i dont take those meds anymore bc i was doing fine and im probably still fine im just being stupid but like i dont want to#go back on them you know?????? being on them was nice bc i didnt feel like shit all the time but like it's a strain on everything you know??#i felt so guilty and i already feel like a burden all the time from everything else#and now i feel like im going to fluke the semester and i really can't lose the scholarship and even if that wasnt a thing i wld feel so bad#abt it. and i feel like nobody irl listens to me at all (aside from luz but she's goign through a hard time and i really don't want to be#more worried) like even outside of like emotions talk (especially bc im so averse to talking abt being anything other than perfectly ok)#and i had started out this semester so WELL and it just sucks bc i was so prepared and i was so happy and i was lovimg my classes and i had#my spreadsheet and everyone thinks im doing ok but the whole thing all throughout second and third partials have rly fucked me up and fucked#up all my effort and now i cant even MAKE an effort bc it's all gone down the drain anyways#and ive been accidentally skipping so many of my classes i just. god i cant even take it anymore i loved going to algebra but now im so#ashamed i can't even bring myself to turn on my camera anymore#and everything is just so hard but i cant talk to anyone aside from like my therapist about this but i dont really feel up to having therapy#right now and just everything is so much#and i want to seek comfort from friends but i feel so bad abt it and i cant even outright ask to be comforted bc then ill admit im doing#badly and theyll know im doing badly and then what if they think something bad or something or stop liking me or pity me ir whatever but#then if i dont say im feeling badly ill just be ignored and/or not comforted#and then if i say i feel bad and i want comfort ill practically be forcing them to pay attention to me and make me feel better and rob them#of their time and stuff#ill just go away now im sorry#honey talk#negative /
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