#especially borderline personality disorder. do y'all without it have any idea how hard it makes relationships??

[asyncmeow]

yes, this is... whatever the tumblr equivalent of a subtweet is, i guess...

breaking up with someone and then calling them immature when they say they don't want to be friends is a Dick Move... (that said, making this post is probably immature, but i honestly just want to vent into the void right now.)

so, the specific reasoning is that.. well, we broke up over my mental health. this is like, the 10th partner who's done that, with pretty much zero warning that it was coming up until it was too late. they said they wanted to be friends still, and i said that's not a good idea for my mental health. as a compromise, i stated i'd be willing to if there was a possibility of us getting back together eventually. not saying now, but when my mental health was better. they said that was immature.

and the reasoning is kinda selfish, but i'm trying to keep my already terrible mental health from getting even worse. and it's *bad* - just ask some of the people closer to me. for me, being around someone i genuinely love and not being able to express that love toward them at all is a terrible feeling. it's not easy at all for me to hide my emotions, even more so on HRT. and trying to hold those emotions in will just hurt my mental health even more. what am i supposed to do, just let myself slip further into depression until she leaves anyway?

am i really immature for stating what i would need for this friendship to have any chance of success?

[suedrawl]

[[more]] i've been doing a bit of soul-searching/musing as to why I've struggled for the past few years (or I argue my entire 'career') why it's so dang hard to draw. It's unique for every artist, I think. And a mix of a variety of factors. I'm hoping that writing this out and maybe getting opinions/what have you will help me out. Some of this i'm already clearly aware of. Some I'm just now realizing that it's NOT my fault. and some t hints i'm still guessing on/figuring out. also another preface: i'm not necessarily unique in any of these problems. others struggle as well in this. hopefully this isn't read the wrong way by friends (if you do read this, no pressure if this is too long/boring/etc). the first one that comes to my head is obviously health. I also think this is the main and overarching reason why i struggle. When you mix the variety of chronic illnesses i have, some might argue how i can draw at all? the main reason I push on anyway is out of pure spite/stubbornness (and a lot of fear). Depression makes me disinterested and impassive. Also it causes me to stress out and give up easily--I'm too hard on myself in general, but the depression multiplies that sensation. The adhd causes obviously--attention issues. I can't focus, jump from one task to the next, or even can hyperfocus in an unhealthy pattern on things when i should be drawing. i often choose mundane things that won't require a lot of brain power (farming in a MMO, organizing my pencil box, etc). I think this is sorta a mix between the depression and adhd? idk, still need to research that. And finally, fibromyalgia and my sleeping disorder. This is more obvious and physical. I'm not sure what you guys know about fibromyalgia, but the closest thing i can describe it to is a weird mix between the flu and arthritis with a touch of sensory issues. it's a really weird syndrome so I'll get to the point than ramble on that. It causes me physical pain to draw longer than 20 minutes or so on 'flare' days. then mix in my mysterious sleeping issue (though really it's very much linked to things like depression and the fibro), and i will randomly have sleep attacks. It's kind of scary because i don't want to accidentally associate myself subconsciously to when art happens=time to sleep! yikes. I do also have an anxiety disorder, but I still don't know how severe or how exactly it affects me beyond basic symptoms. But I'll also get back to that in a moment. this isn't to say i'm trying to find excuses. I'm human. I make mistakes, screw up, so forth. I am bad with procrastination, keeping promises/goals, and can generally just be lazy. but I can only take that so far when the evidence is so strong and contrary to what i once believed, you know? This goes back to being a child. It started with my parents fussing (getting borderline emotionally and verbally abusive) that i couldn't focus or finish projects. they ignored a doctor's warning abut health issues (primarily the adhd) and then I started to treat myself badly (though i think my personality has always been hard on myself. it's just a trait). i would beat myself up, punish, and generally make the situation worse without my knowledge of that. I just genuinely, truly believed, that everyone else was akin to my state of being and i was being hugely lazy. that thinking really poisoned and close to ruined myself forever. not quite, but i think it came really close to destroying any hope to me being a functional professional artist. this comes back to the anxiety i think too? but it was a very secretive trait. I remember sometimes having esteem or confidence--but often something would go awry and i'd immediately blame myself. i'd think I was overconfident or egotistical, and i deserved the failing. not a good way to look at things, you know? but that's how i was raised. (honestly, thank god for websites like dA, BZP, and other places that nurtured me in my isolated and bubbled environment. nothing is perfect, but still, it did a lot for me and i would not be the artist i am today without all of y'all and those communities.) but i was (and still am a bit) so stubborn to keep drawing. I knew one thing only that was true, and everything else fell to the self-doubt and fear: I was GOING to be an artist. The pursuit would never end. Taking art away from me would also take my soul. No art felt like not breathing for me. The act of creating things from colours, shapes, and lines was all that gave me a sense of fulfillment. anything else was purely an illusion in a distorted world. I might not be exactly good at the art of drawing and painting, but it felt like where I needed to be, and everything would eventually fall into place. (though i often blamed art for my problems too, though that's another subject for another day) that's all in the past though. it shaped me to be who i am today, and that is that. I shouldn't forget, and it explains a bunch of things for the present, but it will not shape my future and nor should overthink it or not be able to move on. that's a lot hard to say than do though. One final thing, and for awhile I fell into the trap of blaming myself. but i realized this is likely linked to my health too. maybe not fully, because i have proven otherwise, but the fact remains. I lack ideas. I can draw. but what about the story? the subject matter? themes? All of that. my art lacks depth. sure, i can draw a character standing there, or simple scenery, or a random headshot--but if it doesn't connect to the viewer, then what's the point? I mean, everything has a place as some point. And there's nothing wrong with just randomly drawing sometimes. but if i want to get anywhere, I have to start using completed ideas. but the it circles back to my health. when you're so exhausted, depressed, anxious, and physically aching--can you blame anyone for not pushing through with projects and ideas? that takes brainpower and spoons. and with limited resources, you do what you have to do. you begin to portion the little you have. it's clearly not enough for any category, but it's all you have. so you push onward, feeling lifeless and incomplete in eveyrthing. but it's all you have. so what the hell do i do? especially if the health problems are persistent. I'm always going to have these. i guess the only hope is they will become less severe. it's been so long, if ever, that i've been without health problems and a functional brain/body. is there any hope for me?