#fuck mental health issues. fuckin sucks.

[asyncmeow]

yes, this is... whatever the tumblr equivalent of a subtweet is, i guess...

breaking up with someone and then calling them immature when they say they don't want to be friends is a Dick Move... (that said, making this post is probably immature, but i honestly just want to vent into the void right now.)

so, the specific reasoning is that.. well, we broke up over my mental health. this is like, the 10th partner who's done that, with pretty much zero warning that it was coming up until it was too late. they said they wanted to be friends still, and i said that's not a good idea for my mental health. as a compromise, i stated i'd be willing to if there was a possibility of us getting back together eventually. not saying now, but when my mental health was better. they said that was immature.

and the reasoning is kinda selfish, but i'm trying to keep my already terrible mental health from getting even worse. and it's *bad* - just ask some of the people closer to me. for me, being around someone i genuinely love and not being able to express that love toward them at all is a terrible feeling. it's not easy at all for me to hide my emotions, even more so on HRT. and trying to hold those emotions in will just hurt my mental health even more. what am i supposed to do, just let myself slip further into depression until she leaves anyway?

am i really immature for stating what i would need for this friendship to have any chance of success?

[decaeysa]

cries

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[watchmakermori]

I feel like nobody on this website gives a shit about obscure bbc tv drama Waterloo Road but I need to just say how emotional it is making me. this show first started in 2006. it's your basic school drama with mid writing and mid acting. I was 9 years old and i loved it. I watched every episode of this fuckin show, and it's important to bear in mind that the LARGE MAJORITY of them were eyewateringly bad. this show fucking sucked for about 60% of its run and i loved it. my whole family loved it.

the show ends in 2015 on the worst finale you can imagine. for years afterwards my family watches it again and again, mocking the shit out of it. It gets us through the pandemic. It's my ultimate shitty comfort show and I love it so much.

but this show is aggressively 2000s. it deals very much with Issues of the Moment - abortion, homophobia, racism, mental health issues, ableism - but it does it in the most graceless way possible. they decided to do a trans storyline at one point but then they freaked out and backpedaled and the character just decided they were cis actually, because committing would've been too much effort. that sort of thing

so eight years pass. they announce a new, fresh series of Waterloo Road and i am beside myself with joy. I can't wait to make fun of it again. imagine my surprise when it actually turns out to be kind of good. it's goofy as hell and hokey at times but the characters are likeable and the writing is way better on the whole. and it is fully 2023 Woke™ in a way that utterly delights me. the characters are diverse and the storylines deal again with Issues of the Day. but it just brings me so much joy that this shitty lightly homophobic show I loved as a kid is back, and this time the gay kids get to be cool. They get storylines that aren't just about being gay. I'm just happy for today's teens that they get representation like that now. Things really do get better

[ayadoesart42]

Hey I just got diagnosed with anxiety and depression let’s talk about Hypmic character’s mental health

Ichiro: He has trauma around his relationship with Jiro and Saburo and is very aware of how his little brothers see him but probably nothin severe maybe a little ptsd when his bros are in danger

Jiro: Jiro really SHOULD have some bad ptsd from being kidnapped and threatened and beaten up but he seems fine sooooooo?

Saburo: ✨social anxiety✨

Samatoki: Extreme ptsd and abandonment issues and probably also depression but he ain’t never getting help for that he’s Mr.Hardcore

Jyuto: Nah

Riou: Bro should also have extreme war ptsd maybe that’s why he’s so stoic and emotionally removed

Ramada: Uhhhhhhhh questionable he’s not human so idk what he’s capable of feeling but probably depression from deez women also the fact that he acts really fuckin depressed

Gentaro: ✨you are not a writer if you are not depressed/j/lh✨

Dice: Man he’s a wild card I really don’t know

Jakurai: ✨Depression and war ptsd✨

Hifumi: ✨PTSD✨ from Honobono

Doppo: ✨Depression✨ from job probably needs antidepressants definitely also ✨anxiety ✨

Sasara: ✨you are not a comedian if you are not depressed/j/lh✨

Rosho: Anxiety

Rei: Nah

Kuukou: Nah he’s pretty mentally stable except the occasion teenage mood swing but he’s an angst teen what do you expect (says me the angsty teen 💀💀💀)

Jyushi: Depression and anxiety

Hitoya: ………………………………..………………………………..……………………………….. depression but don’t tell anyone it might hurt his masculinity

Hi please don’t hurt me I am at an all time low in dopamine if anyone has any hc requests I will do them I don’t care how stupid they are I’ll do spirit animals or skin care or something 🥲

Take care of yourself and do what makes you happy! I am such a hypocrite rn but being depressed fucking sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies so I hope you all happiness ❤️

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 9/12/2023

this series not sponsored by murphy's wood oil soap but boy do i wish it was

listening

this song popped up as the first video when i opened accursed tiktok to figure out what the deal was with that german engineer lady digging a storm shelter in her basement. this is the specific recording i want but the second video with a slightly longer intro... u have got to see Abel Selaocoe in motion performing Ka Bohaleng/On The Sharp Side.

i feel like every time i see a video of a cellist they're doing some absolutely bonkers shit and producing sounds i did not know a stringed instrument could make

-

reading

i am constantly chasing the very high highs of raymond chandler's philip marlowe detective noirs. Human Target, a DC extended universe thing by Tom King and Greg Smallwood got real damn fuckin close.

i took thirty-five screenshots while reading these twelve issues. they are such a lush love letter to midcentury advertising. it luxuriates in period-typical stylized coloring in a way i do not see very often. i hope mr smallwood gets sucked silly every night.

one of the reasons for the tuesdayposts is to force myself to look at new things, bc sometimes i find shit i really like. i am remarkably unwilling to consume new things when i am not feeling good, even though new things i like are…not a keystone, but really up there holding together some arch in the viaduct of mental health or whatever.

anyway Christoper Chance is a man with a very specific skillset: perfectly imitating wealthy clients to lure out assassins. he takes a fatal does of poison meant for Lex Luthor and has about twelve days to solve his own murder before he dies. this is an EXTREMELY compelling reason for someone to haul ass through an entire noir novel in less than two weeks.

let's make some comparisons to other spy media i've seen in the last month. christopher reminded me a bit of loid forger from spy x family: same hypercompetent backup plans for backup plans and incredible disguise skills. im sort of...positively? fascinated by him, as opposed to the (also entertaining) train wreck of james bond's psyche slamming up against soft targets for two to two and a half hours. like there is womanizing in Human Target, but it is not the time-filling bond girl eye candy. do not worry, christopher FUCKS.

it is self contained within its twelve issues so i didn't have to read eighteen other crossovers and have encyclopedic knowledge of c- and d-listers from the silver age of comics. it was a very fair mystery. the twists and turns weren’t stupid. i know that’s not a terribly helpful observation but sometimes in a mystery…it takes a fucking stupid turn. most importantly imo it sticks its landing and understands that a noir is a subgenre of tragedy.

how’d i find it: has a pretty cover, stood out from the crowd on hoopla. americans, you probably have access to hoopla through your library!

-

watching

@andmaybegayer referenced the youtube channel About To Eat in a recent mondaypost and i was so enthralled by this man's confident, dulcet, soothing and mustachioed tones. i had forgotten that i could in theory make french onion soup like myself. at home. soup season will not begin here for many months here and even then it's kind of pushing it, but i would like to eat some soup without melting!!!

overall About To Eat's recipes are a bit beyond my skill level and ability to prepare things in one sitting without joint pain but they are a display of competence i find very fun to watch.

-

playing

ive rationed all my picture slots for other slots but i did finally obtain two of the country-specific fishing rods in genshin impact. they were extremely irritating to obtain but i trust you'll understand i'm quite pleased with myself.

-

making

unphotographable things:

reactivating the dried sourdough starter from the horrible woods apartment of 2021, unforch rn it does look like when my cat regurgitates her kibble

sprayed the new couch down with some rather nasty insectide just in casies, it is still degassing in my office with the fan at helicopter speed and the balcony door open and towels shoved under the inside door for another 24h, also made plans to dye a big canvas dropcloth and strategically pin it in place for a cheapo slipcover

coffee table specific unphotographable things:

finally finished cleaning all seven

had to violently strangle the urge to repaint certain inner sections and made peace with touching up the worst of it with an oil-based paint pen bc let's be real nobody is going to look closely at that but me

pried some corrosion off one of the little brass decorative thingies, now it looks bad in a slightly different way

photographable things:

now this is a fun little record cabinet. i haven’t seen many pieces out in the wild that have that sort of vertical bullnose detail. makes me think of thirties waterfall dressers with their molded plywood rounded upper edges.

i can’t decide if the veneer on this piece is starting to really go (it is heavily crackled esp on the sides) or it was once owned by a smoker. the photo below is of the THIRD round of cleaning this front panel after upping the cleaning mix to a HEARTY 2:1 water/soap, and this was not the worst panel on the piece. mostly it really just smells like old wood? i don’t THINK the innards are cedar, bc that would be an odd choice for a record cabinet, but it is an oddly fragrant base wood.

there are some details that make me think it was never a terribly high end piece, or was maybe repurposed into a record cabinet? the veneer is quartered but somewhat indifferently matched, it has very indifferent nailhead finishing, and im not sure if the casters and record slots were later additions. i think the little door catches are original, but they aren’t magnetic yet which starts ruling out some later mcm. i would hazard this was made right before or right after wwii, but realistically it could be early thirties-early sixties. no makers marks :(

i will refinish this eventually. a bit nervous about how the front bullnoses might come out, i don’t really want to fuck around with veneer repair or like. grain painting. that’s for insane ppl and antiques dealers and i am clearly neither

free of ghosts, spider eaten on the house no additional charge with the friends and family discount

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[faggotmox]

oh fuck i'm abt to talk abt growing up the child of alcoholics with a bryan as an older brother so scroll on or hit read more, i do not care.

my moms drank herself to death. she drank our whole lives & well before it. my dad too but he's a passive drinker. anyways, the point being my mom was fucked up, she had mental health issues & came from a physically & emotionally abusive home. as a child she was kept from her father after her parents divorced, her mother beat her at times, & she often had to protect her little brother who is kinda slow.

guess what kinda environment she made for us? my moms never laid hands on us, but she abused emotionally & mentally. the shit she did always raised alarm bells with me (crawling into my bed, drunk at early hours as she cried abt how she's a bad mom to me & things along these lines). my brother did not see these things are red flags or alarms.

my mom & I were my brother's only blood relatives here bc my mom took him from his dad after her divorce & moved across the country (huh kinda like how her mom kept her from her dad after their split, huh???). my dad was a fine father to us (aside from the drinking & queerphobia) but he was only my brother's dad by default which is proved now after my mom's passing & my dad doesnt really want anything to do with my brother.

anyways, my mom was all my brother had. so there was always an excuse or a reason why what she was doing was okay or fine or didn't matter. ofc we never had big blow up abt shit, bc in real life people just die they don't have big dramatic bullshit. but bryan's point of view, his excuses, his reasoning, runs parallel to my brother's feelings & place. i was the one trying so hard to get him to see, so he didn't get fucked up by her. i never wanted to like cut my mom out, maybe get her help but yeah she died before that, i just didnt want my brother wrapped up in her issues which caused issues in him.

i the kid that realized i was an alcoholic & got to work on that. my brother didn't, he still doesn't see what she did & we are going five plus years post death by drinking. & we watcher her kill herself, she was told to stop drinking & she pared down. drank "only" beer & wine, nothing hard, & ofc that was still making her sick. she eventually got sick enough she couldn't drink really.

so much of the emotional charge between regal, bryan, & mox, all people who have first hand experience with life threatening addiction, is so fucking real. if youve never been in it, like we have, you may not understand the pain these three are sharing & presenting to us. ive been mox holding onto the rope, shaking & wanting to plead for bryan to see but knowing he wont. ive been bryan, blinded by the love of someone important & special something unconditional. & ive been regal, a drunk who has hurt the people around me.

god that fucked me up. but it did it's job. it got under my skin, it triggered me & forced me to deal with certain feelings ive compartmentalized. as a person who has lived, in a way, every aspect of this story they're telling...its accurate & it hurts & its fucking painful & it's good. as hard & painful & unwanted as this is for me, its also good for me. & as someone who cant fathom putting that out there, on a national stage, i respect what they're doing bc it must be fuckin hard.

i lost over a year's sobriety on October 25th. i only got a few weeks under me anymore. & in a way this reminded me that it's going to relapse, that it's part of recovery, & i can move forward from here. its fuckin dumb that this shit can work, like when it's something you want to & need to see, art can work really well to help you realize shit. it fuckin sucks but im not alone. my mom wasn't alone. my brother isn't alone. even if we don't quiet see it.

[shig-a-shig-ah]

hey! idk how to say it bc obvi i am a reader who only knows bits and pieces of u, but i’m really sorry about your separation with mr ghuleh. for the past year maybe (i forget it could just be many months) i’ve seen you mention issues in odd posts and i never knew whether to send in an ask or not. but now i just wanna say that i hope you’re able to take the time to work on everything that you’re feeling and that in a few years you look back at this time with all the wisdom of someone who’s had ups and downs but is still there to say they fuckin made it. you’re really strong to be working toward your phd, writing AtBI, and going through this with your partner. you’re obviously very smart and talented, so u don’t need me writing a super long essay on just how great u are but i wanted to let u kno that ur work here is very appreciated and i hope that every day is a bit easier than the one before. separations are difficult and messy and all sorts of confusion, so i can only say that u deserve great things and you’re capable of everything u want to achieve. best of luck and hugs for having strength yesterday and pushing on tomorrow! i’m rooting for u :)

Thanks, friend! I’ve def vented vaguely about it on here before, especially earlier into pandemic life because most of the problem is just that Mr Ghuleh has some major mental health issues, and his providers basically ghosted him for a while when everything went remote. And I thought we got everything back on track but he’s been getting more intense with the issues the last six months or so and that’s after a long fucking ordeal of trying to get him to stick with consistent treatment so, I gotta bail. It just sucks a lot because I love him a ton and when he’s in a normal headspace he sparks joy like no other, but he also just can’t consistently be a reliable partner and it’s getting to a place where I just don’t feel really emotionally safe or supported. he probably just needs to not be in a relationship for a long time and devote all his energy to dealing with his own issues.

And it’s def scary! Like I just turned 34 and we met when I was 19 so he’s literally the only serious relationship I’ve had as an adult, and the last breakup I went through was when I was 18, with some dude I was just having fun with anyway, so this feels like a whole lot of yikes. But I really appreciate the support, anon, this was sweet and it is nice to know there’s people out there rooting for me 🖤

[buck-yyyy]

man this night sucks

apologies in advance for the rant, and i’m on my phone so i can’t add a cut :/

so i have family staying with me, right? and i’ve had to share my bedroom with my cousin. and i love her and all, but she can be a lot. and i’ve kinda just ended up getting made fun of nonstop for the past week “””as a joke”””, which, i’m not going to act like i’ve not been firing stuff back, but the difference is that all the stuff ive said has zero weight on anyone (like my cousin being a total bedhog, or how she forgot her phone charger and has to use mine, etc etc), whereas the stuff she’s saying about me is actually kind of mean, mostly about how i was as a kid (ie: she keeps saying i was a sensitive crybaby- which, while not untrue, fuckin hurts because i still have a lot of issues with emotional regulation- except now i just bottle them all up so nobody notices :/) but also stuff about how i am now, with little comments about me being weak (which, again, not untrue, still does not feel very nice to have people point out) or lazy (shitty sleep schedule).

worst part is, my family, particularly my mother, is always on her side- and whenever i say something about it, or am just a little too rude in what i fire back with, IM the one who gets told off.

it’s really starting to get on my nerves, and the constant teasing is seriously fucking with my head. i’m still trying to get past a really bad mental health episode, in which a big part of that is learning to not hate myself- but she’s slowly starting to wear down that progress. i can’t tell anyone about that part, though, because i never told anyone about how bad i was doing and now is REALLY not the time.

and really, whenever i try to point out how much of a bitch she’s being, i just get told off for being rude or she tells me that i’m exaggerating and just need to get over it, so i can’t even do anything about it.

moving on from that fiasco to a much less serious problem, SENDING MY FRIEND AN AO3 LINK INSTEAD OF THE MEME I INTENDED TO SEND. i have an excuse ready for when he wakes up but i KNOW he won’t believe me, so i’m totally screwed there. i don’t even want to think about it.

and finally, the cherry on top for the shithole of a night, a problem caused by my sleep schedule AND my cousin. my sleep schedule sucks. but because my cousin has to share a room with me, i have either start to adjust my sleep or go somewhere else at night while she sleeps so that i don’t disturb her. which, whatever, not a big deal, i chose the latter (even though she was super rude and essentially drove me out of my room even though i told her that i just needed a couple minutes to finish something. whatever.) so i spent my night in the living room, minding my own business, chilling on tumblr and ao3. lovely night.

anyways, it’s about 3:00 am when i finally decide to go to bed. i go get ready for bed, i walk in my room, being completely silent, i change into pajamas, walk up to my bed intending to go to sleep, and she’s taking up the whole damn thing. fuck.

whatever. it’s not her fault. i can deal. i grab my pillow and go to the guest bedroom- ope, can’t sleep there, that room is being used. there’s no other place for me to sleep.

so now i’m sitting on the couch with my pillow and blanket at 3:30 in the morning, about to try and go to sleep, i feel like shit, AND i’m gonna get woken up hella early in the morning because everyone else in this whole damn house is so goddamn loud and refuses to try and be quiet when i’m sleeping because of the time that it is- despite the fact that i put so much effort into being silent so that i don’t wake everyone up.

if, for whatever reason, you’ve read this far, i don’t need advice or anything- i just needed a place to put my thoughts, since i have to just swallow them down in real life. :/

this is not a girlboss moment for me.

[cesium-sheep]

and like. that in and of itself fuckin sucks. I have not had a good life but I am a perennial split-lip optimist. I have been for a very long time, through a lot of shit. but I just. I know it is possible that things will get better, but. I can't fucking see it anymore. I don't believe in it. that's so fucking sad.

but to truly believe I will get better, it would require me to have faith that someone else will save me. because it is literally impossible for me to save myself this time. I did way more than I could and I'm still in this fucking pit. and literally begging for help still isn't goddamn working. it will have taken an entire nonstop year of begging for an immunologist to even speak to me, when I already have a fucking diagnosed immune disorder, now beyond a shadow of a doubt. so why would I have faith that they'll actually fucking bother to help me.

when I have a mental health issue, I don't go to the system that repeatedly failed me there too, but I have my own goddamn tools, and I can just save myself again like I've done a dozen times. I don't have that option here.

[kael-writ]

Some thoughts for addicts just starting recovery:

- build up support around yourself. You need and deserve support, and even if you can't believe that you deserve it, you gotta know you need it. Lots of people are so happy to give it. They got help and they wanna pay it forward. They feel good about themselves when they help. They want you to succeed. You aren't putting them out. Helping you get clean is a mutual benefit to your community. And when you're clean and strong, you'll be there helping others too. So take all the help you can get, and know people do give joyfully out of love.

- Make plans. Short term and long term. How can you delay using for five minutes? What supplies can you get to cope with withdrawal? Make lists. A list of people to call. A list of things that calm you down besides drugs.

- Envision your sober self. Focus on it. What will you be able to achieve? How will you feel? See your body healing. Your mind clearing. Your life become more manageable. Keep your eyes on that future for yourself, a future you can and WILL achieve.

- It's particularly important to get MEDICAL help to manage chemical withdrawal from alcohol and other hard drugs.

- Take measures to prevent and deal with any potential mental health crisis. You need to be seeing a primary care doctor, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. Or as best as you can get to that. Your mental health has been mismanaged by this drug for a very long time, maybe from childhood or youth. You may not even be fully aware of what your sober mental

- Practice being comfortable with discomfort. Let it suck. Let it fuckin suck. Because whatever is happening, it will end. A panic attack for example will end. It ends, your body calms, and you got through it, without drugs.

- Be fucking honest. Be embarrassingly honest. Secrecy is addiction's friend. You want to defeat addiction? You tell everyone everything. You tell your mom, your best friend, your bartender (they know), your liquor store, everyone, you are an addict, you need help, you are entering recovery. You relapse? You tell someone you are accountable to. Every time. A sponsor, therapist, a friend who isnt a using addict.

- You're probably gonna have to end friendships. Your buddy who you kill half a case with every night is a great guy who would kill for you and die for you, but you are killing each other. The way to save each other might have to be to part from each other. Some of your best friends might end up going clean too and being your absolute best comrades in arms against this common enemy. but some of them will lead you back to the enemy. You can't be friends with anyone who will ask you, "are you sure? Come on." Sorry buddy, all my love, but I gotta cut you loose.

- Guilt and shame are addiction's other friends. I know they're mean girl friends who talk shit about addiction, but they're ultimately gonna drag you back to addiction. Being down on yourself is just gonna end in you sinking into the swamp of sadness. You gotta build yourself up. Yes, addiction can feel shameful, that's a normal way to feel. And lots of addicts, in desperation and intoxication, do shitty things like steal. Beating yourself up about it is just telling yourself you're not worth saving. And you fucking need saving right now. So you need to be telling yourself that you are trying to do something really hard and important because you care, and there are people who care about you, and you have a future worth fighting for.

You are not your addiction. You are a person.

- Know that addiction is a social justice issue, and a medical issue. People who devalue addicts as people the way they devalue unhoused people are fucking assholes. Fight to not internalize that shit. Dont let the bastards drag you down.

- Learn new ways of solving problems. For a long time, you thought all you had was a hammer, and you bashed your life to bits trying to solve every problem with your one solution. Now you are gonna have to figure out the right tools for actually solving these problems. You're gonna wanna learn to calm your body with breathing and meditation, for example.

- Sabotage the Future Addict. Throw fuckin everything away, throw every lighter away, purge your house, this is not you anymore, you are done. Think you might feel like buying a drink after work? Leave the house with no money except your bus fare and no ID. If you gotta move or change jobs, put in the work to get that rolling. Realize this is the most important thing you gotta do right now and fuck pretty much everything else..

- The mundane shit works and is good, actually. A lot of us got into this wanting to have fun, we may have been the bad kids, the cool kids. A tamer life may seem unattractive. We also tend to have extreme emotional issues. We tend to have been through Some Shit. So getting sleep and water may seem so trite. but I swear to god, I PROMISE you, if you commit to that shit and really do it, it fucking helps a lot. It adds the fuck up. You're gonna start feeling better.

Not just water and sleep but like, go for a goddamn walk, do a fucking crossword puzzle. You might find yourself enjoying something that calms your body and centers your mind.

- let go of the need for instant gratification. Good shit takes time. The same way this fuckin addiction crept up on you over time before it became this beast, so too will the healing take time. If you work out every day, you'll build muscle over time, not instantly. If you give up in a week cuz you're not buff, dont say it's because exercise can't work. You gotta keep at it.

- get new sober friends, or revisit old ones. Get into some sober activities. It's a lot easier to go hiking sober, it's hard to go to a bar sober, so go the fuck hiking and dont go to the bar. Sober groups exist to facilitate this.

- relapses happen. You don't have to let that destroy you. You wake up in the morning, you feel like shit, feel that withdrawal? Go empty anything left and call your person. Get the fuck back on the horse, do not give up.

- Know it gets easier. It gets so much easier and better. The end of the withdrawal period will come and go. You'll have your first moments of not thinking about it. Then days, then weeks of not wanting it. Then one day it'll be five years and guys you're gonna be so fuckin strong and proud and you'll never wanna go back.

[sharksa-shivers]

Max is sick/more texts between character stuff cuz why not?

Kristy: Max

Kristy: Max, cmon dude, need you to wake up! We kinda need you today!!

Max: Ive been up ffs been trying to sleep tho

Max: damn that sucks cuz i feel like shit

Kristy: Ughhhh, look, i get it, depression but like…You can't just keep sitting stuff out because of your depression???

Max: ??????? It's not depression tho???? Hshshshshs fuck

Max: Im fuckin sick lol im not coming sorry to disappointt

Kristy: Yeah, sure, ok. Nice prank buddy

Kristy: Now get up and get dressed, we need to go!!!

Max:(sends a pic of him holding up a wad of used tissues, Max looks out of it in the picture, he is obviously sick) sorry lol would you like a snot or cough sample to prove that im not fucking lying?

Kristy: …….Oh…….

Max: YEAH LMAO

Max: you try fuckin sleeping when you can't breath, having a tiny nose thats clogged doesn't help when im trying to inhale oxygen

Max: throat hurts, head hurty, nose blocked tf off, can i sttay home now mom??? please???? Im so tired and i feel like shit lol

Kristy: …..I guess you're kinda gonna have to, hmmm….Trying to think…

Max: how about fuck the mission, tkae a day off???

Kristy: No!!!

Max: lol you should

Max: i love demon fighting and shit and you nkow i do but like…life is nore then labor ok? Enjoy it

Kristy: ……That is so weird of a phrase to come from you of all people who's suicidal af

Max: IM NOT SUICIDAL EVERY FUCKING DAY GODDAMNIT SHSHSHSHSHSH IM ONLY SUICIDAL MOST DAYS OK?.??? THERE IS A DIFFERENCE

Max: in seriousness tho, eh. Today feels kinda good mental health wise, its just my physical health thats shit today lololol Kristy: Well…Guess it is what it is then…

Max: hey lol can you get me some food and some meds plz? Im cozy in bed dont wanna spread germs and shit but a bitch needa eat lol (also meds would be p nice i miss breathing…oxygen bb plz come back im sorry;~;)

Kristy: Yeah yeah lmao, i can. I'm gonna assume no food preferences today?

Max: No lol just plz, im so hungry, blehhhh (preferably something i can fucjing taste and that wont hurt my throat much tho lol)

Kristy: Okayyyyyy, i'll see what i can do.

Max: Best friendo ever lol you da best!!! 💗 ---------------- And now some rambling text info bout The Trio derps whenever sick cuz why not tho? --- Trio derp sickness levels (this sickness meaning like…ig nausea levels --- Kristy: So Kristy is least likely to like get sick like that. With her having magic and the amulet and whatnot, she gets very used to rapid, disorienting movements over time (though at the series start, i can see this being more of an issue but also with Kristy's determination, i can see her blowing that shit out of the water pretty quick, her determination being the stronger of the 2) Kristy can still very much get sick tho, if she's in a very disorienting situation for a long time period, she's gonna get fucking sick… 🍃🍃🍃

Sharky: So with Sharky, he can get sick and he does from time to time. It's either him getting motion sick, him getting actual sick (from like food poisoning and bugs and whatnot) or it's the third option and that tying into him being a shark (but i'll hop back to this in a sec)

Sharky is kind of harder to get motion sick because he does have the advantage of being born in the ocean so…He's used to that sort of thing, like a ride or whatever isn't going to give him motion sickness, he gets it more from like…Being thrown around rapidly with 0 control or from magic use or things like that…

So for the other thing…So…him being a shark yeah? So a reminder; Sharky can throw up his entire stomach, like wholeass organ…This is because he's a shark and it's something Sharky REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATES part cuz it's so weird, part cuz it's disgusting and part because it fucking hurts since he's very not used to doing that…Sharky can vomit up either his entire stomach or he just throws up normally…Sharky doesn't really have much control over this but if it's a higher stress situation, it's gonna be the entire organ coming up. (this whole bit happens more if Sharky's scared or very fucking stressed or in a big emergency sort of thing…Otherwise, Sharky's probably gonna just throw up normally…) Sharky learns he has this ability during the series and i kinda megadoubt he ever utilizes it like Slash does BUT Sharky does learn how to control this a bit better and when he feels it happening, he tends to insta-calm down to try and prevent the whole thing from coming out… 🦈🦈🦈 Max: Max defs gets motion sickness probably the worst…This is probably another reason why Max isn't the biggest on dizzying shit or boats or things like that because it probably fucks him up alottttttttt… Unlike Kristy he has no magic And unlike Sharky, Max does not have any sort of help from the ocean soooooooooo…Yeah, rip dogeboi [i kinda feel like Sharky throws up more then Max does tbh but i think it's cuz Sharky's put in more situations where that can happen vs Max…] 🐶🐶🐶 Now for sickness sickness, i feel like Sharky probs gets sick in that way the least cuz of his height honestly (it's harder for germs and shit to bother him if they can't reach his face…If somebody coughs near him, it ain't gonna be near his face so…) I feel like Kristy's second And i feel like Max probs has it worst here again tbh (i defs feel like Max has really fucking awful allergies tbh…Idk why but it's a vibe i get, probably if i had to guess, something with his fur picking up things that make him sneeze and cough and whatnot, rip dogeboi again)

[florenceisfalling]

I would like to add the nuance that the ideallization of heaven WITH the contrasting of hell can be very uhhh Not Good for young kids and teens with depressive issues (lmao hi hello) where you're essentially told "If you don't act the way we want you to then you deserve to die and burn but if you do act the way we want you to then death will be the greatest thing you ever do and you will finally be happy :)". Which. Yeah that did not work out well for me lmao-

Obs even among the same sect, different churches do things differently and this may just be a symptom of either being raised Lutheran or the Pastor having been a generally shit person or both, but yeah I do think that we should acknowledge that the ideallization of heaven (with the threat of hell) can sometimes not be the comfort it's SUPPOSED to be but rather the incentive towards death like that other person was calling it but imo just. Did Not phrase well enough.

sorry the spacing is weird idk what the app is doing

tumblr fucking destroyed my response to this ask too. i hate this piece of shit app. anyway

ok so i get where you are coming from but like it doesnt entirely fit the context. like i said before they just failed to mention hell Whatsoever. they also werent approaching it from concern for the mental health or whatever of christians/christian youth bc they were just insisting that evangelicals were politically dangerous because they supposedly dont care about improving the world at all.

this is the original tweet before the one i screenshotted:

none of this is in da fuckin bible! and the idea of saying "all evangelicals believe x" is so wild anyway because (as you alluded to) the christian faith is vast in its variety- not just on an individual level, but based in denomination and region as well. you cant get christians to agree on whether or not tattoos are morally acceptable, much less this! there are literally articles on evangelicalism being hard to pin down or define because its such a widely cast net!

the bible says we are to have life and life more abundantly, that to live is Christ and to die is gain. that doesnt fucking mean "throw yourself into the sea because life is cringe," it means "life is a wonderful opportunity to do good, but dont fear death, because Heaven is a reward." philippians 1:21 was written in a time VERY different from now when Christians were being martyred and shit, and the writer was literally in jail while writing it. he was being courageous and optimistic in the face of possible death! there are many other verses in that nature, thats just the one that came to mind.

YES, if evangelicals took over society, that would suck ass! shoutout to the tweet for getting that part right. that is because the government is meant to be secular, religious tolerance is necessary, and faith is supposed to be a free and informed choice. the idea that "christians think life is supposed to suck so they dont do anything to make the world better" is contradictory to the actual problem, which is that too many christians are doing Far Too Much to try to make the world "better" (read: fit their rightwing politics)

these were some of the lovely additions i saw alongside that tweet /sarcastic

"evangelicals think death is not something to seek etc etc" these people are acting like evangelicals are sacrificing themselves en masse or something! according to the journal of religion and heath, religion actually generally tends to make peoples opinions towards suicide more negative . lol

the existence of a kind afterlife is common in religion because it serves as a comfort (and, if we are honest and critical, a recruitment tactic at times) because everyone dies. trying to imagine happiness after death in a religious context seems so reasonable and yet these ppl r making it out to be a "death cult" or "religion of evil" for this so bizarrely off-course reason??

so many problems with the christian church! so very many! this is such a strange one to panic over!

regarding your specific experience: yeah it sucks. im sorry you had to deal with All That. i dont believe in the typical christian imagining of hell for a Reason. i have been in your shoes. but anyone who makes you feel as if your actions make you "deserving" of heaven and hell seems like a misleading preacher to me. unfortunately there are many of those!! sadge

the entire point of the Crucifixion and Resurrection was that we don't have to deserve ANY of it, because Christ took the pain for us so we could all get heaven regardless of our actions, how much we've sinned, whatever. different christians imagine the criteria for heaven differently (i will not bother explaining mine bc i, once again, do not believe in the commonly imagined hell and thus dont exactly fit the more commonly held beliefs) but generally the protestant idea is that all you have to do is believe in Christ and ask him to forgive and help you. thats it. there is no need for perfection, because He did it all already.

but again! that tweet was so painfully misleading and simplified! they didnt even scratch the surface of any nuance you brought nor how hell is used as a coercive threat!! just "how dare you say that death isnt bad forever >:(" which isnt exactly the best mindset to hold when every human is going to die

ty for ur input and patience mwah

[scarlethallow160]

why tf do one bedroom apartments have to be so expensive (this is a huge vent dump pls avert your gazes)

my roommate keeps inviting people to our apartment without fucking telling me (or waiting til the LAST possible second to do so) even tho i’ve said time and time again i hate when people do that especially cuz he has a bad habit of doing that when we have plans where he just invites other people (esp people i barely know or dont know at all) without telling me or anyone else that was already involved. its even more aggravating cuz when this is brought up he acts like he makes sure to avoid this and he fucking doesnt like when i lived with an old friend and an ex-friend, him and our other friend invited someone to our place (so they invited a stranger to a place they did not live at) and none of them fucking told me until i was literally about to walk inside after work and like am i crazy or do people not see how rude that is?? like dawg thats my fucking home U GOTTA TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE THAT DO NOT LIVE THERE ARE GOING TO BE THERE

and if ur going to force me to interact with strangers have the decency to introduce us???? once we went to meet with some friends (not rly but i’d met them before) and ig one of their sisters was there and they just. didnt introduce us to each other? and we were on opposite ends of the table so its not like we could really interact either? and they did this when we got invited to another friends bday thing where someone i’d never been introduced to was there and they didnt fuckin introduce us and i was anxious cuz i was sitting across from her and finally had to be like “oh hi are u x? i’m so-and-so” like jesus christ is this not common sense for people? why are yall okay with forcing complete strangers to hangout

and with work today i was so overstimulated and got more and more aggravated by this cuz like i dont want to have to move every year and one bedrooms are so expensive rn but im so fucking tired of going thru this. not to mention we dont have a ceiling fan in our living room so he turns down the ac rly low when people are over so it jacks up our ac bill so it makes me even More anxious cuz him inviting people over = social anxiety for me and general anxiousness knowing our bill is going to be higher

i was so aggravated by this i ended up skipping out on plans we had today cuz my roommate also talks about himself. a lot. and we were out with friends like yesterday night or smthing and he kept going on and on about some guys he’s talking to on a dating app and i knew that would just make me angrier and idk it kinda sucked that one of my other friends involved thought i felt i was rly close with didnt seem to gaf either that i abruptly dropped out and theres obviously something wrong with me mental health-wise cuz i have this really bizarre self-sabotaging tendency when my mood severely dips where i convince myself no one cares or everyone hates me and think of this dark scenarios and just kind of start spiraling

and with my anger issues i go thru this weird loop of understanding a lot of my emotional/temperamental and communication issues stems from my fucked up family cuz my mom is super vain/self-absorbed and never thinks she can be wrong and basically my sisters are the same so i keep things bottled up and end up getting REALLY angry with no healthy outlet until i reach a breaking point and im just not great with communicating how i rly feel either cuz talking to my family was like talking to a brick wall and my older sister would literally cut me off constantly telling me to shut up so i rarely communicate things beyond like....joking around and stuff so i tend to vent/trauma dump into the void on social media lmfao which is obviously not healthy at all either but like......yeah it also sucks when i start spiraling and thinking back on this shit that i’ll never get closure from the longterm issues i developed from my family cuz now they want to act like we’re this tight-knit super close family that always got along and even if i were to ever bring this shit up they’d just point fingers or deny doing anything wrong.

 idk like its nice having a group of friends i can hangout with and stuff irl but also i feel like i cant ever really talk to them about anything like this that im going thru cuz i also feel super uncomfortable thinking i might be making things about myself (and honestly i do hate when people trauma-dump on me completely out of nowhere so i also want to avoid doing that)

also whats stopping me about addressing these issues with my roommate is cuz he has a tendency to victimize himself and thinking hes just being attacked? like he’s also super self-deprecating All the time which is also extremely exhausting to deal with constantly and it pisses me off that with our other friend/my old roommate, my current roommate kisses his ass and listened to him when he told him these issues of him being too self-deprecating etc. but ik if anyone else did he would just feel sorry for himself

im tired of this

[the-black-dragons-den]

this is not an Am I The Asshole this is I Am The Asshole, but instead of putting it on the people I’m irritated with, I’m putting it here.

i’m not claiming i have a right to do anything about this situation, but I am absolutely saying that I have the right to be pissed about suddenly sharing a bedroom wall with a newborn. 

we’ve been in the same apartment for 3.5 years. we are both working adults with mental health issues that get exacerbated by lack of sleep. we both have very busy schedules that mean allotted sleep time is already pretty slim already. we are also both light sleepers when it comes to unexplained noises. we fall asleep with streaming TV shows on because the familiar noise is easier to sleep to than unexplained noises of living in an apartment building.

but. our neighbors. just got. a baby. had. adopted. acquired. idk. suddenly a baby shares our bedroom wall. 

and look I GET IT THAT BABIES CRY, just like how dogs bark and cats meow, babies cry. and I’m not going to bitch to the complex or the neighbors or anything, because Babies Cry. 

and it’s not like they’re leaving it to cry for extended periods of time, I’m not sitting here saying they’re neglecting their kid.

but what I am saying is that is FUCKING SUCKS ASSHOLE as a person who has chosen and continues to choose to not have children, a person with mental health issues who needs her precious little sleep in order to function the next day at all, that now after having a comfortably quiet place to live and sleep for more than 3 years, suddenly I get to wake up to crying baby 3+ times a night and on into the morning

and don’t tell me to wear earplugs or headphones, my ears are painfully sensitive to shit like that for overnight wear. can’t sleep with white noise like a box fan, it makes my anxiety insane. the streaming TV shows come from my laptop on the other side of the room (non-shared wall) for the purpose of not disturbing the neighbors, but my head is against the shared wall so I can clearly hear the baby crying.

and i SWEAR TO GOD DON’T FUCKIN GCOME AT ME ABOUT HOW ITS MORE EXHAUSTING FOR THE PARENTS. GONNA BE REAL. I DON’T GIVE A FLYING RAT’S ASS ABOUT THE PARENTS. BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO HAVE A BABY. THEY OPTED INTO THIS TORTURE.

knowing my personal limits, knowing what i can and can’t handle, I have chosen not to spawn a tiny human who relies on me for everything and interrupts my sleep 5 times a night. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS.

look I’m not saying it’s the baby’s fault, because babies cry. and i’m not saying its the parents fault for having a baby, that’s their choice. and i’m not saying they ought to be evicted or anything. they deserve to have a place to live. 

but I am going to say that a little courtesy to your neighbors who are now suddenly being woken up by your crying child would be kind of fucking nice. like maybe you could have warned your shared wall neighbors about the baby. 

i’m so fucking mad about this baby and i literally cannot do a single fucking thing about it short of reorganizing my bedroom and asking my apartment if I’m allowed to install soundproofing. i legit don’t want to get these people in trouble or anything, i don’t want the office to be like “people are complaining” but i’m just fucking pissed about the situation