absolutetosser

[asyncmeow]

yes, this is... whatever the tumblr equivalent of a subtweet is, i guess...

breaking up with someone and then calling them immature when they say they don't want to be friends is a Dick Move... (that said, making this post is probably immature, but i honestly just want to vent into the void right now.)

so, the specific reasoning is that.. well, we broke up over my mental health. this is like, the 10th partner who's done that, with pretty much zero warning that it was coming up until it was too late. they said they wanted to be friends still, and i said that's not a good idea for my mental health. as a compromise, i stated i'd be willing to if there was a possibility of us getting back together eventually. not saying now, but when my mental health was better. they said that was immature.

and the reasoning is kinda selfish, but i'm trying to keep my already terrible mental health from getting even worse. and it's *bad* - just ask some of the people closer to me. for me, being around someone i genuinely love and not being able to express that love toward them at all is a terrible feeling. it's not easy at all for me to hide my emotions, even more so on HRT. and trying to hold those emotions in will just hurt my mental health even more. what am i supposed to do, just let myself slip further into depression until she leaves anyway?

am i really immature for stating what i would need for this friendship to have any chance of success?

[mypeggableromance]

.

[decaeysa]

cries

[scarlettgauthor]

So I have two general life philosophies that guide most of my actions. They're deceptively simple, but when I figured them out it really changed my perspective on stuff in a helpful way. Maybe they'll help you!

They are:

If I want something to change for the better, I have to be the one to change it. Doing nothing only makes things worse.

This applies to... everything. Want to get better at drawing? I have to be the one to practice. Doing nothing only makes me worse. Want my house to be clean? I have to be the one to clean it. Doing nothing only allows the mess to multiply. Want my garden to be beautiful? I have to be the one to weed it. Doing nothing only allows the weeds to spread. Want a better political system? I have to be the one to vote, and then the one to put pressure on my elected officials/support groups furthering the progressive policies I value. Doing nothing only allows the other side to make things worse.

It sucks. It's hard. It's the unfortunate truth.

The second one is a quote a friend shared from her therapist, and it fucking picked me up, turned me around, and spat me out a fully changed person:

Trying harder is not a plan.

Goddamn does that slap me around the face. Trying harder is not a plan. If you have an issue remembering your tasks at work and your solution is, "I'll try harder," you are setting yourself up for failure because there's nothing actionable there. When you inevitably fail (because trying harder is not a plan), you won't have any idea where the failure came from or where to go from there, and you'll feel like absolute shit for failing.

"I struggle with taking my medication on time. I have to try harder to do it!" ❌ Trying harder is not a plan!

"I struggle with taking my medication on time, so I'm adding calendar reminders to my phone and computer that require me to check off that I've taken it, and I'm storing my medication on my computer desk, which is where I eat my breakfast, so I can take it as soon as the reminder goes off." ✅ This is an actual plan! If it breaks down or fails, you can evaluate what parts worked and what parts didn't! You then have knowledge you can use to make a new plan!

Both of these principles also combine really well. Let's take the gardening, for example: I want my garden to be beautiful and functional, so I need to be the one to make that change, since doing nothing only allows my garden to get overgrown. I also know that "trying harder to garden" is not a plan, and I know that to-do lists work really well for me from previous experience.

Solution: I put a recurring reminder on my to-do list to garden for 20 minutes (if the weather allows). I don't have to remember to garden: The to-do list takes care of that. I don't have to remember to add it to the to-do list because it's recurring. All I have to do is go garden so I can come back inside and check it off, which makes my brain happy both because gardening is good for my mental health and because I fuckin' love accomplishing things on my to-do list.

If I want something to change for the better, I have to be the one to change it. Doing nothing only makes things worse.

Trying harder is not a plan.

Give 'em a shot, yeah?

[crazylittlejester]

Ngl I want Wars to fight the Venturi so bad just bc I think after all the stress building from being in Forks and around Edward specifically and from all the research and precautions he takes against vampires like

That's a lot to feel for a long time and I think he deserves the emotional release of finally having a sword shield and stake in hand and just killing a motherfucker

Or maybe Edward crosses a line and Wars just murders him. I think that would also bring catharsis from not only the stress Edward put him under but the stress and helplessness he felt when Cia did the exact same entitled/possessive shit as Edward.

Ward deserves a lil murder.

I’m actually not sure exactly HOW far into the Twilight story I’m gonna go with this. The first book/movie for SURE, and most likely some of the second. There are a few elements I HAVE to include: Jacob also being an ass (and a wolf which is revealed in the second one), Bella breaking her hand on Jacob’s face, Bella going fucking NUTS and recreationally cliff diving, etc.

SO: including the Volturi is NOT ruled out. I just don’t want this fic to be too long or feel like it’s dragging but I’d love to include them, and if I can find a reasonable way, I will

AND DON’T YOU EVEN WORRY I’M GONNA ALLOW WARS AT LEAST ONE MURDER (which will most likely be at least one of those vampire guys who kidnap Bella in the first movie). After fuckin’ everything he deserves it /j. Plus I wanna be able to explore his whole mentality/thinking process around killing things/monsters/people(?) since he’s a trained soldier and a vampire is the most human/hylian looking thing he’d have killed since having to fight for his life against traitors in the war. Like how does that affect him? How does that affect him HERE in THIS scenario, in FORKS, a world where having to kill to survive is NOT normalized? How does the knowledge that he was put in a “I don’t want to die and to not die I have to kill” situation affect him in this entirely different place where Charlie is able to sit him down and try to work through that trauma with him?

Wars has a lot of issues going INTO all this, and he’s suddenly 16 again in a world that’s unfamiliar to him. Edward and Jacob both fucking suck, Wars’s high school friends fucking suck, he’s absolutely miserable and Edward makes his skin crawl. The only person he feels he’s really got on his team is Charlie, but even Charlie doesn’t understand everything. And not just the vampires and werewolves, no one in this universe understands Cia or the War of Eras or any of it. He’s got at least one person who has his back, but he feels so alone because he feels so DIFFERENT. So yeah Wars definitely gets to go off the rails a few times, as a little treat 😭 He earned it, he gets to cause problems and witness the american mall for his mental health. He gets a cat too, also for his mental health

Genuinely I’m so excited to start sharing this fic. It’s gonna be crack, a LOT of fucking crack, but it’ll also have more interesting elements to it and I cannot WAIT to share. I’ve decided to finish writing the entire thing before I post any of it, that way I can have a predictable and reliable update schedule for it, but really I can’t wait to drop this shit out there aksnddkd

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[watchmakermori]

I feel like nobody on this website gives a shit about obscure bbc tv drama Waterloo Road but I need to just say how emotional it is making me. this show first started in 2006. it's your basic school drama with mid writing and mid acting. I was 9 years old and i loved it. I watched every episode of this fuckin show, and it's important to bear in mind that the LARGE MAJORITY of them were eyewateringly bad. this show fucking sucked for about 60% of its run and i loved it. my whole family loved it.

the show ends in 2015 on the worst finale you can imagine. for years afterwards my family watches it again and again, mocking the shit out of it. It gets us through the pandemic. It's my ultimate shitty comfort show and I love it so much.

but this show is aggressively 2000s. it deals very much with Issues of the Moment - abortion, homophobia, racism, mental health issues, ableism - but it does it in the most graceless way possible. they decided to do a trans storyline at one point but then they freaked out and backpedaled and the character just decided they were cis actually, because committing would've been too much effort. that sort of thing

so eight years pass. they announce a new, fresh series of Waterloo Road and i am beside myself with joy. I can't wait to make fun of it again. imagine my surprise when it actually turns out to be kind of good. it's goofy as hell and hokey at times but the characters are likeable and the writing is way better on the whole. and it is fully 2023 Woke™ in a way that utterly delights me. the characters are diverse and the storylines deal again with Issues of the Day. but it just brings me so much joy that this shitty lightly homophobic show I loved as a kid is back, and this time the gay kids get to be cool. They get storylines that aren't just about being gay. I'm just happy for today's teens that they get representation like that now. Things really do get better

[feelingsaturated]

happy opening, everyone! jia (21+, s/h) here, presenting (a)eternal pain in the ass, JEON JAEYI, who’s more concerned about saving (and serving!) face than the people of eden, she's the very worst of aeternals. more under the cut, and if you can stomach her, please like to plot!

tldr of her bg: aeternal + aeternal = 2aeternal. powers r affected by her mood, so instead of being good parents and sending her to cognitive behavioural therapy to figure out wtf sort of mental illness they've given her, they tell her to suck it up. thank u xanax and nepotism for getting her thru the academy!

when people in positions of power and privilege get to do whatever they want with close to no consequences, of course you get bitches like jaeyi! very much inspired by the seven in the boys, she's kinda human garbage. basically a white man in congress.

really honestly only ends up an aeternal because it's good for optics & she's got a cute power. who doesn't love a family of aeternals + someone who drops by a gender reveal and makes sure the skies are clear for whatever confetti pop you wanna do, right? she's not under any delusions she's gonna singlehandedly eradicate all crime in eden. sometimes we just need the pretty bitches for photo ops!

a building of people ends up collateral damage, and it's covered up well enough. jaeyi blames the late evacuation notice, but the damage is done. she's not losing much sleep over it, because their families get their bereavement payout. unfortunately for her, her psychiatric clinic was in that building, and no other sane doctor would be on board with her medication regimen. the next doctor she sees ends up changing her meds and suggesting she go to therapy.

unfortunately, rawdogging mental health is nawt it for someone whose emotions affect her power. she ends up doing too much/little at the worst times, and decides to take a little step back. not a proper hiatus, but she's not being assigned to missions (not like she was doing much of those anyw...) and focusing on her little brand deals, which is where 2cc comes in! no better way to put her money where her mouth is than to actually live in silver line, right?

comes off really fucking artificial cause. well. she fuckin is! look at her for a second too long and she's whipping out a headshot like 'do u want a photo or an autograph????' something uncanny and fake as hell about that smile she's giving...

not j-lo levels of 'don't look me in the eye', but she's also actively avoiding having to interact with other tenants unless it's good for her public image. she's got nothin in common with anyone, and she doesn't want to have to smile and make small talk anymore than is necessary.

currently being sued for the building damage thing, but it's being taken care of by the task force. like can we pleaseeeeee move on omg they're already dead. wtf's she supposed to do about it...??? she can't raise the dead. they're barking up the wrong tree.

as evidenced by the above, yeah. has basically never had to deal with the consequences of her actions, and the kind of person who can't even fathom why SHE shouldn't be top priority. you can tell she's grown up privileged which makes her extremely removed from others' realities.

mommy and daddy issues mean she's always in need of external validation because she's absolutely unable to be kind to and regulate herself... inner child screaming crying wailing etc etc. positive attention only, plz!!!! she can only like herself if others like her, but that's real tough considering.... would lie if she feels left out and wants to fit in.

anyways!!! i'm much more into seeing how our muses would mesh personality-wise and coming up with a dynamic organically, so let's just get yapping about our charas!

[ayadoesart42]

Hey I just got diagnosed with anxiety and depression let’s talk about Hypmic character’s mental health

Ichiro: He has trauma around his relationship with Jiro and Saburo and is very aware of how his little brothers see him but probably nothin severe maybe a little ptsd when his bros are in danger

Jiro: Jiro really SHOULD have some bad ptsd from being kidnapped and threatened and beaten up but he seems fine sooooooo?

Saburo: ✨social anxiety✨

Samatoki: Extreme ptsd and abandonment issues and probably also depression but he ain’t never getting help for that he’s Mr.Hardcore

Jyuto: Nah

Riou: Bro should also have extreme war ptsd maybe that’s why he’s so stoic and emotionally removed

Ramada: Uhhhhhhhh questionable he’s not human so idk what he’s capable of feeling but probably depression from deez women also the fact that he acts really fuckin depressed

Gentaro: ✨you are not a writer if you are not depressed/j/lh✨

Dice: Man he’s a wild card I really don’t know

Jakurai: ✨Depression and war ptsd✨

Hifumi: ✨PTSD✨ from Honobono

Doppo: ✨Depression✨ from job probably needs antidepressants definitely also ✨anxiety ✨

Sasara: ✨you are not a comedian if you are not depressed/j/lh✨

Rosho: Anxiety

Rei: Nah

Kuukou: Nah he’s pretty mentally stable except the occasion teenage mood swing but he’s an angst teen what do you expect (says me the angsty teen 💀💀💀)

Jyushi: Depression and anxiety

Hitoya: ………………………………..………………………………..……………………………….. depression but don’t tell anyone it might hurt his masculinity

Hi please don’t hurt me I am at an all time low in dopamine if anyone has any hc requests I will do them I don’t care how stupid they are I’ll do spirit animals or skin care or something 🥲

Take care of yourself and do what makes you happy! I am such a hypocrite rn but being depressed fucking sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies so I hope you all happiness ❤️

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 9/12/2023

this series not sponsored by murphy's wood oil soap but boy do i wish it was

listening

this song popped up as the first video when i opened accursed tiktok to figure out what the deal was with that german engineer lady digging a storm shelter in her basement. this is the specific recording i want but the second video with a slightly longer intro... u have got to see Abel Selaocoe in motion performing Ka Bohaleng/On The Sharp Side.

i feel like every time i see a video of a cellist they're doing some absolutely bonkers shit and producing sounds i did not know a stringed instrument could make

-

reading

i am constantly chasing the very high highs of raymond chandler's philip marlowe detective noirs. Human Target, a DC extended universe thing by Tom King and Greg Smallwood got real damn fuckin close.

i took thirty-five screenshots while reading these twelve issues. they are such a lush love letter to midcentury advertising. it luxuriates in period-typical stylized coloring in a way i do not see very often. i hope mr smallwood gets sucked silly every night.

one of the reasons for the tuesdayposts is to force myself to look at new things, bc sometimes i find shit i really like. i am remarkably unwilling to consume new things when i am not feeling good, even though new things i like are…not a keystone, but really up there holding together some arch in the viaduct of mental health or whatever.

anyway Christoper Chance is a man with a very specific skillset: perfectly imitating wealthy clients to lure out assassins. he takes a fatal does of poison meant for Lex Luthor and has about twelve days to solve his own murder before he dies. this is an EXTREMELY compelling reason for someone to haul ass through an entire noir novel in less than two weeks.

let's make some comparisons to other spy media i've seen in the last month. christopher reminded me a bit of loid forger from spy x family: same hypercompetent backup plans for backup plans and incredible disguise skills. im sort of...positively? fascinated by him, as opposed to the (also entertaining) train wreck of james bond's psyche slamming up against soft targets for two to two and a half hours. like there is womanizing in Human Target, but it is not the time-filling bond girl eye candy. do not worry, christopher FUCKS.

it is self contained within its twelve issues so i didn't have to read eighteen other crossovers and have encyclopedic knowledge of c- and d-listers from the silver age of comics. it was a very fair mystery. the twists and turns weren’t stupid. i know that’s not a terribly helpful observation but sometimes in a mystery…it takes a fucking stupid turn. most importantly imo it sticks its landing and understands that a noir is a subgenre of tragedy.

how’d i find it: has a pretty cover, stood out from the crowd on hoopla. americans, you probably have access to hoopla through your library!

-

watching

@andmaybegayer referenced the youtube channel About To Eat in a recent mondaypost and i was so enthralled by this man's confident, dulcet, soothing and mustachioed tones. i had forgotten that i could in theory make french onion soup like myself. at home. soup season will not begin here for many months here and even then it's kind of pushing it, but i would like to eat some soup without melting!!!

overall About To Eat's recipes are a bit beyond my skill level and ability to prepare things in one sitting without joint pain but they are a display of competence i find very fun to watch.

-

playing

ive rationed all my picture slots for other slots but i did finally obtain two of the country-specific fishing rods in genshin impact. they were extremely irritating to obtain but i trust you'll understand i'm quite pleased with myself.

-

making

unphotographable things:

reactivating the dried sourdough starter from the horrible woods apartment of 2021, unforch rn it does look like when my cat regurgitates her kibble

sprayed the new couch down with some rather nasty insectide just in casies, it is still degassing in my office with the fan at helicopter speed and the balcony door open and towels shoved under the inside door for another 24h, also made plans to dye a big canvas dropcloth and strategically pin it in place for a cheapo slipcover

coffee table specific unphotographable things:

finally finished cleaning all seven

had to violently strangle the urge to repaint certain inner sections and made peace with touching up the worst of it with an oil-based paint pen bc let's be real nobody is going to look closely at that but me

pried some corrosion off one of the little brass decorative thingies, now it looks bad in a slightly different way

photographable things:

now this is a fun little record cabinet. i haven’t seen many pieces out in the wild that have that sort of vertical bullnose detail. makes me think of thirties waterfall dressers with their molded plywood rounded upper edges.

i can’t decide if the veneer on this piece is starting to really go (it is heavily crackled esp on the sides) or it was once owned by a smoker. the photo below is of the THIRD round of cleaning this front panel after upping the cleaning mix to a HEARTY 2:1 water/soap, and this was not the worst panel on the piece. mostly it really just smells like old wood? i don’t THINK the innards are cedar, bc that would be an odd choice for a record cabinet, but it is an oddly fragrant base wood.

there are some details that make me think it was never a terribly high end piece, or was maybe repurposed into a record cabinet? the veneer is quartered but somewhat indifferently matched, it has very indifferent nailhead finishing, and im not sure if the casters and record slots were later additions. i think the little door catches are original, but they aren’t magnetic yet which starts ruling out some later mcm. i would hazard this was made right before or right after wwii, but realistically it could be early thirties-early sixties. no makers marks :(

i will refinish this eventually. a bit nervous about how the front bullnoses might come out, i don’t really want to fuck around with veneer repair or like. grain painting. that’s for insane ppl and antiques dealers and i am clearly neither

free of ghosts, spider eaten on the house no additional charge with the friends and family discount

[8-evil-annoying-catboys]

trying to separate the trans community into two categories will never fucking work. it’s not that simple. even if it seems like it should be that simple, there will be people you would sort into one category in theory who will fall into the other category, and people who do not fall into either category, and people who fall into both categories (either at the same time, or at different times or in different situations, depending, obviously, on the nature of the categories/dichotomy). this is especially true if you think of these categories, in your mind, as being based on coercively assigned birth sex, when by the actual definition you use they are not actually based on that, but based on, for example, perception by our oppressors, or self-identification, or individuals’ opinions, or anything else.

arguing about who goes where, and trying to exclude each other, and not listening to each other only hurts us. seeing each other as freaks (in a negative way), basing your activism exclusively on people who you see as being the same as you, refusing to acknowledge either systemic patterns OR individual lived experiences that defy the expectations set in place by systemic patterns, and ANY OTHER INFIGHTING only hurts us. if we’re going to survive the current political climate, it is of the utmost importance that we STOP FUCKING FIGHTING EACH OTHER and start fucking PROTECTING each other.

transunity is the only way we will make it out of this without being, at best, battered down and chased out of more and more and more places until there is nowhere left for us to feel safe, and at worst, fucking massacred. stop parroting gender essentialist AND bioessentialist rhetoric. stop beating up our own for slight missteps and misunderstandings.

and don’t you DARE read this and think that i’m not talking to you. i’m even talking to myself, partially, bc we all have biases to unlearn and i’m not exempt, bc literally no one fuckin is.

follow other trans people who have different opinions than you (but, like, not if they directly hate on people like you bc that’s bad for your mental health, i’m not saying that, i’m saying bridge the gap). follow intersex people, whether they are trans or not. follow multigender, genderqueer, agender, nonbinary people, and make a point to seek out those who were not coercively assigned the same sex at birth as you were, and those who are intersex especially if you’re perisex. follow binary trans people who are not the same gender as you. follow trans people who ARE the same gender as you but are intersex. widen your horizons and break out of your echo chamber. for the love of the entire community, PLEASE seek out bloggers who are vocal about transunity. if you safely can, then go to pride and other irl community events/spaces. seek out irl trans friends of as many different genders as you can possibly find.

just. god. please. stop fighting. we need to use that energy to protect our WHOLE community. we will have time to settle intracommunity disputes once it’s safer for us to exist in general. it sucks that we have these disputes in the first place, and i want to solve them as much as the next person, but they are not the same as the vitriol we are facing from all directions.

and maybe, just maybe, if we actually fight as siblings and protect each other, we can break down our own biases during that fight, and the intracommunity issues will be less intense by the end. it’s not guaranteed, and if it does happen, it won’t apply to every single person in the whole community, but… still… wouldn’t that be nice???? if we all gained a better understanding of people in our community who aren’t the same as us???? don’t you want that, too??

[hells-greatestdad]

//

Gonna call out of work tomorrow morning. I very rarely call out, one of the things my workplace likes about me is I'm super reliable. So it won't hurt too much. I do feel bad for essentially making things short-staffed, cuz that does make it harder for others to get breaks and stuff. But I've gotta look out for my own mental health dammit

Last night started with some extreme shit for sensory overload. I was legit hiding in the office whimpering like a baby from being super sick and in pain. Today, near the end of my shift, wasn't much better. I hid in the office away from all the chaos and noise.

People gonna attribute this to "laziness" - they always fuckin do. Like, no asshole - I was actually fucking dizzy as shit and nauseous as shit. Way worse than usual. But sensory issues aren't the typical for people, so of course they just think I'm being dramatic. Haha funny, this bitch is reacting to the smallest noises. How quaint. "Suck it up, life isn't about comfort". .....go fuck yourself.

...welp. That got bitter. Anyways.

It honestly is only very rarely this bad - I'm gonna take it as a sign that I need fuckin rest. Especially since it happened two days in a row.

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[faggotmox]

oh fuck i'm abt to talk abt growing up the child of alcoholics with a bryan as an older brother so scroll on or hit read more, i do not care.

my moms drank herself to death. she drank our whole lives & well before it. my dad too but he's a passive drinker. anyways, the point being my mom was fucked up, she had mental health issues & came from a physically & emotionally abusive home. as a child she was kept from her father after her parents divorced, her mother beat her at times, & she often had to protect her little brother who is kinda slow.

guess what kinda environment she made for us? my moms never laid hands on us, but she abused emotionally & mentally. the shit she did always raised alarm bells with me (crawling into my bed, drunk at early hours as she cried abt how she's a bad mom to me & things along these lines). my brother did not see these things are red flags or alarms.

my mom & I were my brother's only blood relatives here bc my mom took him from his dad after her divorce & moved across the country (huh kinda like how her mom kept her from her dad after their split, huh???). my dad was a fine father to us (aside from the drinking & queerphobia) but he was only my brother's dad by default which is proved now after my mom's passing & my dad doesnt really want anything to do with my brother.

anyways, my mom was all my brother had. so there was always an excuse or a reason why what she was doing was okay or fine or didn't matter. ofc we never had big blow up abt shit, bc in real life people just die they don't have big dramatic bullshit. but bryan's point of view, his excuses, his reasoning, runs parallel to my brother's feelings & place. i was the one trying so hard to get him to see, so he didn't get fucked up by her. i never wanted to like cut my mom out, maybe get her help but yeah she died before that, i just didnt want my brother wrapped up in her issues which caused issues in him.

i the kid that realized i was an alcoholic & got to work on that. my brother didn't, he still doesn't see what she did & we are going five plus years post death by drinking. & we watcher her kill herself, she was told to stop drinking & she pared down. drank "only" beer & wine, nothing hard, & ofc that was still making her sick. she eventually got sick enough she couldn't drink really.

so much of the emotional charge between regal, bryan, & mox, all people who have first hand experience with life threatening addiction, is so fucking real. if youve never been in it, like we have, you may not understand the pain these three are sharing & presenting to us. ive been mox holding onto the rope, shaking & wanting to plead for bryan to see but knowing he wont. ive been bryan, blinded by the love of someone important & special something unconditional. & ive been regal, a drunk who has hurt the people around me.

god that fucked me up. but it did it's job. it got under my skin, it triggered me & forced me to deal with certain feelings ive compartmentalized. as a person who has lived, in a way, every aspect of this story they're telling...its accurate & it hurts & its fucking painful & it's good. as hard & painful & unwanted as this is for me, its also good for me. & as someone who cant fathom putting that out there, on a national stage, i respect what they're doing bc it must be fuckin hard.

i lost over a year's sobriety on October 25th. i only got a few weeks under me anymore. & in a way this reminded me that it's going to relapse, that it's part of recovery, & i can move forward from here. its fuckin dumb that this shit can work, like when it's something you want to & need to see, art can work really well to help you realize shit. it fuckin sucks but im not alone. my mom wasn't alone. my brother isn't alone. even if we don't quiet see it.

[habitneedstod1e]

To my grandparents who so desperately want to be our parents

Aug 9

I fucking hate you, Tim. I said that once as a pissed off little kid and regretted it now I will say it again, but with no remorse, as you dangle the threat of homelessness over our heads, knowing what we've fucking been through the past few years is fucking diabolical. You treat us as if we are still little girls not wanting to face reality and see we have grown but you expect us to be adults and do adult things like jobs you have only had three different jobs and you have only had one it is different now and its more difficult to get a job but no "teens do not want to work." We do its that your generation put this place into the fucking ground and thats somehow our fault. You get mad when we express ourselves we haven't decorated our room since the fifth grade. He can't even practice his sabbaths, and I can't dress how I want or look how I want without you both giving the most meanest looks like I have five heads. You don't even care that he needs to have a cane or wheelchair when he truly does you deaf ass needs hearing aids but we don't talk about that. You say we need help but look at us as if we are nut cases when we show mental health issues.

Like when I was having an autistic meltdown you hit me for hitting myself and said stop like I was a fucking dog. You don't treat people like that without them resenting you don't be surprised when we yell back as you know of our pasts but elect to ignore it when it comes to that. You act like a pissy bitch I will act as one right back tenfold. You are surprised when we sleep all the time and such from depression why? As if you haven't known this for fucking years and you somehow this it will be by the books you read by people who aren't even mentally unwell. It won't. It never has. You laugh at me as I say I cannot sleep and have to sleep with a fucking knife just to feel safe because of paranoia and laugh when I ask you to move or do something with the fucking sunflower that you somehow in your infinite knowledge put right outside our fucking window and it hits it so my paranoia thinks HE is breaking in to kill us but no that's fine. Those fucking papers you put out are fucking diabolical you are worthy of my hate for how you have treated me for YEARS do you remember the day after Thanksgiving when you said I was unlovable. I was 7. I hid away from you all day and later you took me to a basketball game and to Tim's to apologize but you never did apologize. You never have. When you wouldn't stop acting like that a drove me to cut myself all over and all  you said I love you that's not what someone who is supposed to love you does they are supposed to apologize for their wrongs like you force me to.

Sep 1

I would like to see them try to get a job in this day and age they like to say my mom was lazy for not getting one for 1 1/2 years but she was fuckin trying David wouldn't let her but that's her fault apparently and that she should have left him earlier and that's also her fault like do you know how fucing hard it is to leave a shitty borderline abusive boyfriend it's hella hard but they don't fucking get it as much as they say they do they don't. They just don't. Like I can't just go to a fucking trade school even if I qualify for assistance it is still too expensive even to get a fucking used car is expensive but they don't get that. I'm starting to see why mom doesn't like her that much I see why she's so argumentive and shit like always getting dismissed about serious shit that's important to you fucking sucks ass. I legit can't be myself I'm always looked at weird for everything its always so disturbing the way I dress act my interests and shit like I'm not a little girl anymore accept it already I'm not going back just because you don't fucking like it get the fuck over it cry me a river a build a bridge or some shit fuck me man my dad can accept it my mom kinda can why can't you is it because you want me to be that scared little girl again? That's not happening not again.

Sep 27th

it's my fault for you getting mad that my phone charms got caught on my hand and it somehow looks like I threw it I get you pay for the fucking thing but to hit me for it is fucking awful it's an object I AM A PERSON THAT YOU CLAIM TO LOVE I don't think you do I show any signs or symptoms of mental illness and I'm suddenly evil and unloveable its always my fucking fault anyways this isn't love all you do is criticize me and get mad when I say to stop but once again it's my fault always your the adult and I'm still that stupid fucking child you only see me as that little girl you FUCKING HIT ME LIKE A FUCKING DOG AGAIN im done they turned off the wifi and took our phone so I can't talk to fucking anyone loves this 

[myforrest2]

Crack house

i see how mass shootings happen

deshaun Watson's tiktok

operation white coat

frumpy body girl. i'm shallow

mental health issues in my family

donte and white titties

molestor uncle

phone sniffin dogs . thanks kamala

china made a sun

goochland va powhite

white women fuck like bots

happy wife happy life

who got better pussy

brett griner

rape fantasies on reddit

racist AI. white people writing code

dont fuck the students at tsu

gaping asshole porn

levels to dv. neigbor got into a dv situation

you gotta be able to fight if ur abusive

country line dancing in 6th grade

growing up christian concervative

i never believed in covid

having nigerian friends

menopause is a funny concept (the last egg)

wish i dates white women cuz the swifties are out!

million white women march

taylor farrakhan

who decided at the meeting that they were selling bean pies

trans women get a taste of getting offended and cant handle

i want to tell trans jokes but everytime, my dick gets cut off

her tax dollars paid for me to do home invasions but she wanna tell me what i can say

id snort midol if i were a woman

3 months of period and 9 months off

the purge for periods 9 months of peace 3 months of chaos

asking about organic vagina new vagina

synthetic vagina vs vagina

dont stop believing can end racism

stacy abrams dresses like hillary clinton

gmo coochie

my red flags

levels to the horny. showin ur face on pornhub

porn on the family computer

first std test

did ur granny fuck wilt chamberlain

used to be a therapist but it got to be too stressful

happy husband happy marriage

how often do u suck his dick ladies?

church revivals coachella for church

part trans cuz circumcised

so easy to scam women wish i had the heart to do it

nothin brings pussy together likes some and scammin niggas

navigating life being objectified

i'm more than my period

women put u in risky situations

they put bombs in the trash

gotta do everything when u Black

being black is annoying

quantum leap

asians are dark skinned white people

disney couldnt find enough swimmin niggss for little mermaid

vasectmy b4 it was fashionable

slave bible

i go to switzerland

drake's bed is made of horse hair and stingray skin

spelman and cosby

relationship with bpd. she can only handle some of my personalities not all of them

cerebral palsey dude's wheelchair stole

cant wait for sex work to be uberred

prayer for the gay demons

y is it always the stud that gets pregnant

first vasectomy nutt

waited for coochies to freshen up before i ate them

prison rapes kept me out of prison

ex wife had two babies

jump started a period

my mom helped plan my dad's funeral

forrest gump had full blown aids in philadelphia

women LOVE subtitles

suicide by negro. saying nigger at the atl airport

gender reveals for intersex babies

karim juwani tossed her baby in woods wrapped in plastic four years ago

mom shaking babies

construction worker on fire took video

wife beater as wash rag neighbor got in dv

my cousins got basic ass white women

taliban dating show

wilt chamberlain

nutted on my own face once

didn't masturbate til i was in college

heroes dose of shrooms

if he buys you beyonce tickets

honey pack fuckin

trans people they treat caitlyn jenner like black people treat clarence thomas

ain't sucked a dick but sucked toes

i aint a gangst but done gangsta shit

the good molestation from my babysitter's daughter

bv pussy/yeasty pussy

my girl fuck wit me cuz i'm that nigga

i hate the white part of me that tells me what to do

price of chicken goin up

snorting midol

moms love reminding u of how many hours of labor they were in

abortion on a 10 year old rape victim doctot had a tatt off a coat hanger with trust women on it

my dad grew up without infoor plumbing

being able to uberize sex work. ordering a blow job on uber one

chinatown knockoff

white boy jumping off cruise ship

asians & blacks

molestation

disney movies

feeling obligated to jack off to porn i paid for

uber sex (sex work)

trans reparations

dating black women is an olympic sport

called the sex line on gmas phone

scammed by uber

MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC

patchy beard but got asshole hair

homeless whites & Asians

c* vid had people keeping count of death

getting old ( aunt marry droolin on herself)

men washing ass (water bottles to wash ass in iraq)

make the money make the rules

comedy humbles u

pandemic paychecks (ppp loan)

black woman will make or break u (cooked in an oven love)

fuckin bbws is awkward 4 me

american black women make me feel like im trans cuz they cut my dick off til i pull out that check

i rode the short bus to the talented and gifted classes

in tag i had to do extra

in tag it was nothing but white people, another brotha came in there and i said he must have had a mom that really cared about his education. i got punched in the stomach for it

get a trans friend cuz they will get reparations first. black people too disorganized

gotta trick your woman into giving u some pussy

i miss drugs

i'll get my dick back from my girl when i make money. i wont get all of it back cuz she's a black woman "niggas ain't shit"

arguin with my girl is worse than arguin with my mom. mom took away nintendo girl takes away pussy

i act like a woman when a woman leaves me. cuz i have ababdonment issues

Jim Crow needs to make a cameo appearance every 10 years to wake niggas up.

i don't cheat cuz i gotta use a condom

fovrite movie is forrest gump. sequal to forrest is philadelphia

i used to be a social worker but my dick stopped working so i had to quit

what's the wildest thing a woman has told you during sex?

love dont exist anymore. im gonna put my women on one year contracts

white name in black body

if i were a serial killer my victims would b homeless black women

carlee fucked it up for yall

i blew up a kid's face in iraq. i hope he becomes president so i can be part of his origin story

watching couples fuck

white people treat slavery like women treat accountability

alien pussy

be funny watchin my married potnas getting punked by their wives

sexxy red went to my highschool

Gilgo beach killer spaced out his white woman victims

I remember when I had to fake like Lizzo's music for some coochie. Oh the lies we men tell.

God is good all the time and all the time God is gooD

Coochie is pink booty hole brown

my skin is light but my comedy is dark

titties lookin right no lefts

If you could own slaves, how many would you have?

Those MAPs folks are jacking off to all the first day of school pics

kamala harris had an orgasm when the tory sentence came down

kelsey shot meg cuz women will shoot each other over the same dick

had a woman tell me she couldn't figure me out

women want to figure us out so they can control our minds

Glad they didn't call me a baby killer when i got back from Iraq

women that have had abortions got that fire

It was lookin like a baby holocaust when abortions were legal. I dated a woman that aborted 2 babies by the same dude. Those could have been 2 Amazon fulfillment workers.

these mew generation of parents have no control over their kids . cryin toddler in hawaii

i love watching kids act out in public . the parents look like they're trying to solve a calculus problem.

mom used basic math, pinching and threats

black women say shit that make u want to punch...... or shoot them. white women say shit that make u want to kill them

these hoes start talkin like chat gbt when you catch them on some bullshit

got evicted with a wife & 2 kids.

named my son after a member of jodeci but my bm swear she named him

serial killer my victims would be homeless black women

i want to date a non verbal autistic woman

ladies can you cover your ears during my set so we men could have a good time?

i wish black women would suck dick the way they suck the fun out the room

being part white is annoying cuz i got a gluten allergy

lake lanier pussy

jim crow day

how to keep a dude from raping u

white people fuck like bots

cub scout leader died so i didn't get molested

getting a black womans love is like trying to get a laugh from black folks

sex farms

pullin pussy with a telegraph machine

"come thru" in morse code

i'm not a conspiracy theorist i'm just a nigga that has never trusted the government

the holocaust was an inside job

how many niggas would black people sacrifice to get the jew treatment

chlamydia the reggie of stds

u know its fire when she burn u and u still wanna fuck

how many cows is your coochie worth

worst fears are heights, deep water & seeing my daughters titties on reddit

met an ethiopian bbw

tranny porn overstimulation

things that annoy me: fat niggas that ain't funny

student loans

dental damn

being black is a game of dodging diseases and gun violence

trump 2 real for black women they voted for a dude that don't take care of his responsibilities

glad i aint the uncle in the back room doin heroin

coochie after the club trick

low low low price of pussy

how i decide to go raw

men would have babies and not abortions cuz it would require us to go to the doctor

abuse is relative

dad was an aspiring preacher like an aspiring rapper

ai is the cotton jin

black womn patten for heater

giving homeless dick

field vs deployment

jail vs. prison

pregnancy test vasectomy

foreskins

drugs are for young boys

people with guns are scared bitches

lgbt DV do studs hit their girlfriends with their straps

post ops arr funnier than pre ops

dick losing a step

2% gay

- [ ]

pop art and anime

working for pussy