#especially my muse Athena/The Foreseer

[memurfevur-archive]

Retepa is a muse I’ve very happy about reclaiming

I made her and another Troll named Dracoh back in middle school. During then, I was involved with a really toxic, abusive, and manipulative person. The kind that literally beat other people up (even children) if they simply looked at me wrong or breathed my name. The kind that would chase my friends away and guilt trip me into doing things by using her depression and threats of self harm as an excuse. We roleplayed Trolls back then, too. Surprise surprise, they went through similarly traumatic things.

I initially created Dracoh and Retepa for fun, but then I sort of shoved them into my relationship with my abuser as a sort of “stand in” for me. See, my abuser really wanted to date me, have only me, etc. etc. even though he was just fine lying and hurting everyone else and being with everyone else. I wasn’t allowed to. Even when I was with other people, I wasn’t allowed to be with them, technically. He would threaten to hurt them, yet go around and whine for half an hour straight on phone calls “Lyyyss why don’t you love me, love meeee.” So I guess I sort of just.. shoved my Trolls his way so he could feel loved or something??? Retepa and Dracoh was that; Dracoh had a “crush” on him and Retepa was just... idk... there. A friend for him carrying the weight of both him and Dracoh. In truth I think my abuser liked Retepa more. Either way the characters weren’t developed, they were just there so I wouldn’t have to be, or there for me to project.

I’m glad I reclaimed them, or at least began to. Retepa has her own story, her own interests, and she’s stronger now than what I made her be back then. Dracoh’s still in the middle of redesign/healing but I think it would be good for like...

My sake? If I were to put them here on the blog, allow them to form relationships with y’all’s Trolls. Even if I don’t have much muse for them most of the time, I would love for them to be involved with things to separate them more from my past.

I don’t know, I’m sort of like... talking for the hell of it here and airing my thoughts.