#especially when dealing with stress and grief (chronic illnesses love to play up when you don't want them to)

[tiffanylamps]

did i mean to take a break from tumblr for this long? nope. am i "back"? we'll find out together

[lickstynine]

I know it’s a lot, but could you do all the whump questions for Wren and Kit?

well this took about a thousand years. you better like it, you big nerd

~Physical~

1. Do they have any sort of physical condition or mark that impacts their daily life? (chronic disease, deep scar, disability)Kit has CVID, so he’s pretty perpetually sickly. He also has untreated depression that’s part of the cause of his awful drinking habits.Wren has anxiety, asthma, and IBS-D, all of which pretty well hinder his attempts to keep up with and interact with his peers. He can’t really run around and play, and he gets scared super easily, which just makes his IBS worse.

2. What is their pain tolerance? Do they close their eyes and block it out, or go into a full blown panic?Kit can tolerate a fair amount. For the most part, he’s very used to tattoo/piercing pain, but long sessions of linework can overwhelm him. Pain from illness, however, like sore throat/stomachache/headache tends to hurt more and make him more irritable.Wren doesn’t have the best pain tolerance. Pain tends to make him nervous, cause chest pain = asthma attack, and stomach pain = IBS attack. Which (ironically) both often lead to panic attacks.

3. How long do they typically take to recover from illness or injury compared to average?They’re both quite frail and sickly, but Kit especially takes ages to recover.

4. What are the most telltale signs that they’re sick or injured?Kit gets extra bitchy. Like more genuinely mean instead of lighthearted mocking.Wren will be more fussy and sensitive than usual. If he’s around family, he’ll let them know he’s feeling bad, but if he’s at school, he’ll try to tough it out rather than draw attention to himself.

5. What is their response to their friends or loved ones in pain?Depending on the severity, Kit will either tease them, or try (and usually fail) to be helpful.Wren will offer help and comfort as best he can.

~Emotional~

6. How easily do they cry? Is it different alone vs in public?Kit cries more easily than he’d care to admit, but it’d take something serious for him to sob in public. Normally he tries to keep himself together until he can go home and bawl into a bottle of whiskey.Wren is very sensitive, but will do his best not to cry in public. He’ll run off to somewhere like a bathroom or an empty hallway and then just sob. If he’s at home, he’ll seek out Jace or his mom for comfort.

7. Is there any emotion they find difficult to control (anger, sorrow, anxiety)?Kit struggles a lot to keep a handle on his depression. He also still has trouble with the grief from losing his mom.Wren has major issues with his anxiety.

8. Is there a place, name, object, etc. that holds painful memories for them?For Kit, it’s anything to do with his mother, her name, her picture, her old belongings. He also has issues with funerals/cemeteries, because hers was the first funeral he ever attended.Wren is completely terrified of school. He’s had issues with bullying his whole life, and just being surrounded by tons of people and academic pressure all day is awful for him.

9. In a dire situation, are they fight, flight or freeze?Kit would try to fight, but he’s so weak, it really wouldn’t do much. He usually tries to talk his way out of things before they escalate to a physical confrontation.Wren just flees. Or he tries to anyway. He can’t like run super far, cause asthma, but he definitely tries to just gtfo if he sees signs of danger.

10. How stable do they consider themselves? How stable are they really?Kit is a weird one. Most of the time, he considers himself to be pretty decent, but on low days, he’s all too aware of just how much he doesn’t have his shit together. He’s horribly unstable.Wren has, at best, a very tenuous and fragile stability. A gentle sneeze could throw it off. He’s aware that he’s pretty unstable.

~Social~

11. Within their group, where do they fall during emergencies? The leader, the support, the cause of the emergency, etc.?Kit is usually the cause of the emergency. He’s a mess. He does have the finances to help deal with said emergencies, though, which is nice.Wren just tries to help, but isn’t very useful.

12. Do they have someone they trust during their own time of need, or do they prefer to handle it alone?Kit will clam up initially, but if prodded, he’ll accept help. And he definitely needs it.Wren needs so much help. He’ll run right to Jace or Serafina with a problem.

13. Is there a character who often finds themselves worried about your OC?Alistair is always worrying about Kit, though I can’t say I blame him.Jace and Serafina both worry about Wren a lot.

14. What kind of image would they like to portray to their group? How does the group really see them, good and bad?Kit tries to be the suave intellectual. Julius totally sees him that way. Alistair does think he’s smart, but he also knows that Kit is way less chill than he lets on. His less-close friends fall for the ruse completely.Wren doesn’t really have a ‘group,’ the only people he voluntarily interacts with are family, and they know him inside and out.

15. Is there an antagonist or someone who would like to see/make your OC suffer?Violet is still a bit of an issue for Kit, cause they have a lot of the same upper-class acquaintances, who she’s been talking shit about him to. His real problem, though, is his father, who is an actual physical threat with way less decency and restraint than Violet.Wren has lots of issues with people at school. His schoolmates fall into two categories - those that ignore him, and those that actively bully him.

~Spiritual~

16. Do they have any regrets in their life?Kit regrets most of his existence tbh. He feels like he should’ve done something to protect his mother (even though she (probably) died of natural causes, and he was too young to have helped either way. He feels like an idiot and a failure academically because he just kinda gave up on school when he started having memories issues. He thinks he’s too dependent on his father (he definitely is), and should’ve tried to move out and get used to being a functioning adult (he should’ve), but is in no state to do it now. Wren doesn’t really regret much, save for the occasional ill-advised snack that fucks up his tummy. Most of his problems are outside his control, so he’s just kinda trying to cope with them.

17. What is something they dislike about either themselves or the world?Kit hates how spoiled and dependant he is.Wren wishes he weren’t so nervous and awkward.

18. Is there a situation that might make it impossible for them to relax?Kit is always on full alert when his father’s around. He has trouble sleeping sometimes when he knows Reggie is home.Wren cannot handle being out in public. Crowds and strangers freak him out.

19. Are they honest to themselves, or do they ignore feeling hurt or sad?Kit tries to drown all his bad feelings in liquor.Wren is aware of his bad feelings, but doesn’t know how to deal with them.

20. Do they like to be alone with themselves often or surrounded by friends?Kit likes to have people around. Being by himself for too long tends to send him into a depressive spiral.Wren is very introverted, and prefers to spend most of his free time alone.

~Environmental~

21. Does the weather in your setting ever affect their health?Kit is very sensitive to temperature, both heat and cold, so pretty much any weather that isn’t a mild, cloudy day is unpleasant for him.Wren sometimes overheats, because southern California is hot as balls. He also sunburns really easily. He likes gardening in theory, but can’t handle the weather enough to actually get into it.

22. Is their community unsafe for them in any way (violence, pollution, etc.)?Kit’s community is rather toxic socially, what with all the snobbery and shit.Wren’s school community is just awful to him, but he lives in a nice community with nice people.

23. How do they feel about hospital environments?Kit is pretty used to them by now, cause he’s perpetually sickly. He still doesn’t enjoy it.Wren is very nervous around doctors and hospitals.

24. In what season do they typically get sick?Kit gets sick constantly, no matter the season.Wren is worst in the fall and winter, but spring and the pollen fucks with his asthma.

25. How easily do they catch any bug going around?Kit will catch every one. He’d get them twice if it was possible.Wren is fairly sickly too, but not as bad as Kit.

~Occupational~

26. Are there any risks for illness or injury specific to their job?Kit doesn’t work, so no.Wren doesn’t have a job, but he goes to school, and there’s obviously lots of awful kid germs there, as well as violent bullies.

27. Have they overworked themselves into sickness or collapse before?Kit does occasionally. He’s sick so often that he’ll try to brush it off it it’s not serious, but then they’ll get worse cause he’s not taking care of himself.Wren is pretty good about just staying home if he doesn’t feel well in the morning, but if symptoms come on during the day, he’ll try to power through and that never goes well.

28. How sympathetic is their boss when they have to take a day off? Is this a source of comfort or stress for them?Neither of them have a boss, but Wren’s teachers tend to be understanding, since he has a doctor’s note explaining that he’s a sickly fucker.

29. When they do come into work sick, do they strive to remain professional or let everyone know how miserable they are?Kit is a complainer.Wren stays quiet, he doesn’t want the attention.

30. Who do they go to with their problems at work, if anyone?Kit

~Intellectual~

31. What’s one skill or aspect of themselves that they feel self-conscious of?Kit is really displeased with his failing memory. It especially upsets him when he forgets important things like Alistair’s birthday, or what his mother sounded like.

32. Do they push themselves too hard/give up when minor things get difficult? Kit tends to just avoid things he’s not good at. He’s a giver-upper / problem dodger.Wren will try his best no matter what.

33. Have they worried before about never meeting anyone’s expectations, or always having to meet them?Kit has been told he’s inadequate since like the day he popped out of the womb looking frail and feminine. He tries to ignore his father’s expectations, but he’s lowkey pretty insecure.Wren wishes he could fit into the social standards his peers hold him to. (not that their opinions actually matter worth shit)

34. Do they have an interest skill they excel at but are embarrassed of?Kit is very good at the piano, but rarely plays after all his forced childhood recitals. These days, he only really uses the talent to get him laid.Wren is a good singer/pianist, but he’s too shy to ever show anyone.

35. How do they respond to being criticized for their shortcomings? Kit will try to defend himself most of the time, unless he’s hit right in the insecurities. Then he’ll just kinda try not to cry.Wren will just sorta humbly agree until the person goes away and then feel bad.

[psychotherapyconsultants]

5 Ways a Chronic Illness Can Affect Your Relationship

And how to get them through it as a team.

Can romantic relationships survive a chronic illness? If you or your loved one has recently been diagnosed, knowing how to handle possible changes can help you stay in love despite the emotional news of serious health problems or disease.

What is a chronic illness or disease?

The specific definition gets a bit tricky, as “[there] is not only tremendous variation in the diseases that are included under the umbrella term ‘chronic disease’ but also variation in the time a disease must be present for something to be referred to as chronic,” but for the purposes of simplification, the National Health Council — which states that by 2020, an estimated 157 million people in the United States will be affected by a chronic health condition — defines the term as “a disease lasting three months or longer.”

While facing and dealing with chronic illness is understandably frightening, that fear does not need to rule or ruin your life or your relationships.

When first diagnosed, don’t be surprised if you and your partner both initially respond as though there has been a death.

The change from the relationship you had when you were both able-bodied to the one you’ll have as you journey into the unknown is worth spending the time to grieve.

In fact, delaying the grief process puts your relationship at risk of rising undue resentment and irritability as you adjust to this unfamiliar life path.

The most important first step you can take is agreeing to set a ground rule of total honest, open communication.

Grant each other permission to speak freely about worries and anxieties as to how this will affect each of you — and remember that body language is a huge part of communication. With a willingness to patiently and compassionately discuss the tough issues, you should be able to survive a chronic illness diagnosis with an intact relationship.

Having a Chronic Illness Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Have an Amazing Life

Then, together, sit down and spend time agreeing on how to move forward. And keep in mind that this may have to be done in short spurts to accommodate your loved one’s level of fatigue, pain level, etc.

Being realistic as this shift in wellness occurs is the best strategy to navigate the delicately balanced line between understanding how the diagnosis will impact your life moving forward and how you can approach these changes for a continued loving relationship

Encourage each other to find someone outside of your relationship to sound off to who will listen more than they talk, ask just enough questions to allow you to process your thoughts, be confidential and trustworthy with your deepest thoughts, and not judge you for your frustrations.

To understand how this diagnosis will affect your relationship, you must first understand how this will alter your loved one.

Most chronic illnesses have common features, regardless of the specific disease. These may vary in degrees, and might include fatigue, discomfort, mood swings, and possible depression.

Here are 5 ways living with a chronic disease or illness changes relationships and marriages, and what each of you can to do be prepared — and stay madly in love.

1. You Will Struggle to Keep the Illness from Defining You Both

The uncertainty about how this will affect your lives coupled with an ever-evolving health situation leads to a changed relationship.

With intention, it can often become a relationship that is more comfortable and vibrant. Unfortunately, not everyone believes themselves capable of riding this roller coaster of uncertainty with a loved one — so kudos to you for researching how not to be that statistic!

You are both much more than this illness. Remind each other that you are a team and focus on what you prize in your relationship. Remember why you fell in love and why you still love each other.

Play “let me tell you why I love you” and play it often. Sit together and talk about what you see as each other’s strengths and the assuredness of being together through this time.

It will be uplifting to hear those words reminding you that you’re valuable, especially after a long day of doubting you’re going to make it through this with your wits intact.

2. Your Roles in the Relationship Will Change

If your loved one has always been the cook, laundry-handler, errand-runner, bill-payer, they may need to give you these roles as fatigue and pain become more of a reality.

This is a great time to bring in family and friends who have offered to help. You may not be an ace at folding clothes, but your next-door neighbor may be.

Make time to reevaluate your household standards as far as how often the tub actually needs a good scrubbing or the bedsheets need changing. It may be that the bedsheets need changing with increasing frequency as there’s an increased need for rest. And face it, fresh sheets feel good!

Trying to frame the running of the household around the illness will make it easier to determine the priorities and focus. Just remember to include your needs, too.

8 Ways You and Your Partner Can Deal With Chronic Illness

3. Your Social Group Will Rearrange Itself, Usually for the Better

Take the time to educate friends and family as to what the illness is and what it will look like in the future based on the research you’ve done. No sickness is totally cookie cutter or follows a set pattern, but there are generalities.

If medical equipment is in the future (wheelchair or walker), that may change when, where, and how you gather with friends. Planning, with the help of those who want to be a part of your life, allows for consideration of your real-world existence.

Some will adjust to your current reality and continue to be involved. Those are your heroes! Peripheral friends may step in closer to help and become even better friends. Those are your superheroes!

It will be a good idea to determine how to stay in the social loop when your loved one doesn’t feel like attending planned events. Perhaps you can attend solo and bring home the news and juicy tidbits of how everyone is doing.

If so, do yourself a favor and agree on the verbiage when people ask how your chronically ill partner is doing. Give enough information to help the questioner feel in the loop, but not horrified by your answer. Not everyone can handle intimate details; be kind and spare them.

Also, knowing the “face” your loved one wants to put forward to the public helps them to ease back into social situations when they are aware of what others know.

4. You Will Quarrel Differently

The partner who is dealing with illness is experiencing a loss of control, among many other challenging emotions. Their body is betraying them, and they are struggling to regain a semblance of who they are while adjusting to who they are becoming.

This uncertainty may cause your loved one to be more sensitive and more easily upset. Learning a fair fight method is a good strategy.

You may not feel free to express your opinion for fear of upsetting or putting undue stress on your partner. While this may be admirable on some levels, it is not the healthiest for your relationship. It will put extra stress on you, which is why agreeing to open, honest communication up front is critical.

5. Your Focus and Priorities as a Couple Will Change

Discuss your priorities as a couple. Clearly, one of you being ill was not in your earlier life dreams. Knowing what you know about the illness and its progression, you need to review and reconsider your life objectives.

If you’ve never set goals as a couple, this would be an excellent time to consider what you want. Like any good map, a goal helps target where you want to be and empowers you to discuss methods that will help you get there.

Will travel become an issue later, prompting you to get that trip in now? Will you need a different home to accommodate physical challenges? Would moving closer to family be helpful?

Naturally, your financial plan will change after a chronic illness diagnosis. You now have to determine how to fund the extra medical care that will be needed. Budgeting what money needs will be coming out of each paycheck will help you set priorities.

Despite the diagnosis of a chronic illness, your life together can be enhanced with every change that comes.

To do so, stay in the present moment. If you are sitting on the couch together, try to not dwell on how you wish life were different. Be in the same time, place, and space your loved one is — both in your mind as well as in your physical presence.

Relish what you are doing in the here and now because you are doing it with the one you love. Cherish your time together by making unique attempts to make new memories. You might ask what would make their taste buds sing, then set about getting that very thing for them.

And allow them to do nice things for you too. Just because they’re sick doesn’t mean they no longer care or aren’t interested in intimacy, so don’t block the love they want to show by fearing it will exacerbate their illness. Allow your chronically ill loved one to take the lead and then happily follow.

If your needs are not matching their initiatives, be upfront with questions such as: Would you like to just snuggle? Would you be interested in going past snuggling? What would you say to some heavy kissing? Asking shows your intention and willingness to operate within their abilities at the moment.

Not every kiss has to end in sex, but some will. Show them you understand the importance of their having control over how much, how far, and how often.

The bottom line is this: Recognizing, anticipating, and preparing for relationship changes that occur due to a loved one’s chronic illness will enrich who you are as a couple and lay the path for a happy life together, despite the upheaval, emotions, and inevitable changes that accompany a diagnosis of chronic illness.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Changes To Expect When The Person You Love Is Diagnosed With A Chronic Illness.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-a-chronic-illness-can-affect-your-relationship/