#essie hun i want you to have a baby but not like this!!

[lilac-skies-and-love-hearts]

The two cutest moments from that episode !!!

[mahalkitajohnnysuh]

You're Such an Ass

Sometimes, you've got to let out your brain farts.

The GIF below should hint at what this is going to be. Oh yeah, baby - it's going to be about Mark Lee!

Expect butt puns and Johnny being the big adorable shit that he is.

I think this is the most crack thing I've written for the fandom so far, so I hope you enjoy my humor.

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

POV: 2nd person

Word count: 1,640 words

Additional notes: I think I've already noted what you needed to know, so I hope you enjoy this silly piece.

---

“You know what, love? I’m taking back what I said about you.”

Johnny was surprised by your words that he almost dropped his phone on the floor. You were standing beside him while he was scrolling through his phone and drinking coffee on the dining table.

“What do you mean by that, baby?” You pointed at Mark, who was crouched in front of the fridge, rummaging for something to eat. The younger guy has been in the same position for some time now, and his butt was sticking out.

You have been living with him and your boyfriend for over a year already, but this is the first time you noticed his backside. You had a thing for guys that had great asses, and you couldn’t believe that Mark Lee, the bashful boy-next-door type, has a badonkadonk.

“Ah, that,” Johnny groaned, placing his phone on the table. “Well, I can’t beat that. He has the plumpest ass out of all of us. But I still have a great one, right?” He pulled you closer to him, a cheesy grin on his face.

“Yeah, you do, but…look at that!” You loudly whispered, your eyes widening at how Mark even stuck his butt out more as he continued to rummage the vegetable compartment.

“My anaconda don’t,” Johnny started singing, making you cackle. “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun!” you continued, now bursting into boisterous laughter.

“Oh my gosh, look at his butt,” your boyfriend repeatedly said in his best valley girl accent, which made you lose it.

“Hey, what’s so funny?” Mark has now stood up with an apple in his hand, an eyebrow raised at you. You looked like a mess on the floor, clutching at your stomach.

“Essie noticed your famous feature just now,” Johnny deadpanned, now going back to his phone and coffee. The younger guy looked at his behind, which had a bit of a wedgie from crouching for too long. He quickly fixed his sweatpants before stalking off to the couch to eat his breakfast.

“I’m sorry, Marky! I only noticed that you have a great ass,” You have now composed herself and approached him to offer more apologies. But before you could even reach the sofa, he stormed off to his room.

You looked at Johnny in shock, your mouth agape at what just happened.

“Uh oh, he didn’t take that well,” your partner commented, now standing beside you. “He gets conscious about that, especially as it came from you.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, for starters, you’re a girl. Have you forgotten about that?” Johnny chuckled, plopping on the sofa to continue browsing on his phone.

You rolled your eyes at his comment. “Duh, I haven’t! Well, this is awkward. But I couldn’t help it, love! They’re like peaches ripe for the picking!”

“You better apologize to him, baby. And try not to tease him about if you can, okay?”

\\\

Although Mark forgave you immediately for your silly antics about his butt, you didn’t keep your promise to Johnny by teasing him about it still. Not that your boyfriend could even keep his word when it comes to teasing the younger guy though. This is Johnny Suh we’re talking about. Together, you were inseparable and annoying to the highest level.

You played butt-related songs whenever Mark passed by, and Johnny would join in the teasing by twerking with you and laughing about it afterward.

But when you played “Bubble Butt,” Mark lost it and didn’t go home. Two days later, you found out from Haechan that he was staying at their place for the meantime.

“Noona, we know how he’s extremely blessed in that department, but you don’t have to remind him about that every day,” he sounded like he was trying his best not to laugh over your video call, but you knew he was amused at the situation.

“I’m sorry, Haechannie! But you know how Johnny and I get when we’re in a teasing mood, right?”

“Yeah, both of you are ruthless! You just won’t stop! I believe Mark was able to list some of the songs you played even if he was pissed,” Haechan couldn’t contain his laughter and had to step out of the room he was in to let it all out.

The three of you shared laughter for a moment before Haechan cleared his throat and went back to your conversation. “I can’t believe you had the nerve to sing ‘Bootylicious’ to him! And ‘My Humps’! You two are evil!”

You and Johnny couldn’t help but sing and dance a mash-up of the two songs, which made your recipient cover his reddened face from laughing too much.

“I bet you would join us if you were here though,” Johnny said, and the maknae hummed in approval. “But Mark had it when we played ‘Bubble Butt’ though.”

Haechan burst into laughter again, and you heard him sniffing. You knew what that meant – he became teary-eyed at how hilarious this was. But he also had to serve as the mediator since Mark is one of your housemates, and you want him to return to your home eventually.

“Anyway, you have to stop that. I know it’s funny, and I would’ve joined you in teasing him about this, but he’s…hurt about this.”

“Oh, Haechannie! You wanted to say butt hurt so bad!” You screeched, making all of you erupt into laughter again.

“Baby, stop it! Don't be such an ass!” Johnny playfully slapped your shoulder and grabbed the phone from you. “Tell Mark Lee we’re really sorry, and we would leave this all…behind,” you and Haechan snorted, “and we promise not to tease him anymore about this.”

“Okay, that’s noted. I’ll relay that to him, but don’t expect that he’ll go home there immediately. Since we’re busy with projects together, I think he’ll be back there in a week or two,” Haechan said, “and please, I hope you’ll be over teasing Mark about his ass by then.”

“Will you get over that, baby?” Johnny asked, sassily putting hands on his hips and raising an eyebrow at you.

“I think I will,” you said with conviction before your call ended. “I think I’ll get over Mark Lee’s cute and juicy butt,” you said to yourself softly this time when you were left alone with your thoughts.

\\\

Haechan was right – Mark indeed went home two weeks after their project.

The apartment the three of you shared was quiet when he returned, and he hoped that you and Johnny would have gotten over teasing his butt.

He knew that he’s already the butt of jokes in your circle of friends, but Haechan was teasing him lately with butt puns then laughing in a corner when he wasn’t looking. Renjun reported that to him when they went out to dinner the other night, and he felt resigned that his housemates had influenced him as well.

Sometimes, he thought his stomach-related problems contributed to how his ass has become so rotund. Does shitting contribute to this? He did check Google but found articles on anal sex and painful bowel movements instead. He’ll have to deep dive into the Internet some other time.

When he laid his bag on the sofa, it was coincidental that you also opened the door to your room. You were surprised to see him back, thinking that he would sulk for a couple more weeks before coming home.

“Hi Marky, welcome home,” you said softly, your hand still on the doorknob. “Have you just arrived?” He nodded, and you approached him cautiously. When he didn’t move from his spot, you enveloped him in a hug.

“I’m so sorry, my Marky baby. I mean it,” you cooed, ruffling his hair, “And I missed you.”

“I missed you too, noona,” he whispered, finally hugging you back. “And Johnny hyung too.”

You laughed at that and continued to ruffle his hair some more. He doesn’t like it when others do that to him, but he makes an exception for you. Maybe he still has some feelings for you.

But when you got tired of playing with his hair, your arms snaked around his waist. Since you’re quite the touchy person, your hands slid further to the top of his butt. “May I?” You mouthed, eyes gleaming at the prospect of touching your recent obsession.

Mark let out a deep sigh before nodding in approval. You tried not to squeal as your hands cupped his butt cheeks gently.

“Oh my, they’re soft,” you murmured, squeezing them this time. Mark was burning at your touch, his face as red as the insides of the watermelon he loved so much.

“What’s this I’m seeing?” Johnny gasped at the sight of you playing with Mark’s ass. “Baby, did you ask permission?”

You gave a thumbs-up with one hand before it went back to playing with the younger guy’s backside.

“I missed him, Johnny boo! Didn’t you miss him too?” You have let go of Mark, who was now sitting on the sofa covering his flushed face. He was embarrassed that you were playing with his butt, and his hyung had to see that. He wasn’t sure if Johnny recorded that because if he did, he has new blackmail material.

“Hmmm, maybe not,” he teased. You stuck out your tongue at him, and he took it as an invitation to join you guys.

“Welcome back, bro,” he tapped Mark’s back before sitting beside him. You squeezed in between them and initiated conversation like all the teasing never happened.

The younger guy felt relieved that normalcy has been restored now, but he never knew with you and Johnny. As Haechan told him: “Your housemates are the worst when it comes to teasing, and it’s when you least expect it that they do.”

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FIN

P.S. I won't link the songs I mentioned since I feel bad for teasing Mark about his bum. Well, sort of.