#eventually but once i get past the 'this will be hard af' stigma)

[cheswirls]

reading sa fic in vietnamese like. why have i never thought of this before. ik 2 viets that were active sa creators a few yrs back.

anyway it's a goldmine as always to discover a new fic database in a foreign language. this rly will end up being the year where i comb the entire internet for sa fic.

[sasskarian]

The Mostly-Complete Rise of Skywalker semi-liveblog and reaction list that literally no one asked for

I really dig the parallels between Exegol and Korriban. The way both places felt massive and cramped at the same time, all ominous and tomb-like. Both of them are desolate, devoid of all life. They both feel barren, but not just barren. Korriban feels like history crumbling beneath your fingertips. Exegol feels like a place that’s actively trying to wound you with its desolation, like it’s sucking the life out of you to try and renew itself. (Which, given that Palpatine is there and what he does later, yeah, that tracks.)

When Palps tells Kylo to kill Rey, you can see the micro expression in his eyes. The way the muscles in his face tighten up for a second, the brows drawing down in an expression of disdain and repulsion. If we could have seen his mouth, I’d lay money down on there being a sneer flash across his face for a moment. And damn if Adam isn’t a good actor for being able to portray something that subtle.

There were definitely a few moments where Chewie bitches at Poe for the stunts he’s pulling, including a very definitive accusation of “Rey would never do this to me or the Falcon,” or something along those lines. (This is when Poe snarls, “Yeah, well, Rey’s not here right now, is she?”)

Kylo reaching out into the Force. We’re supposed to think he’s trying to reach Anakin/Vader, but I don’t think that’s what happened at all. I think that he reached for Rey specifically, possibly as a self-soothing gesture. The need to feel her alive, reassure himself. And because of Rey’s feelings and connections to his own family, he’s clearly struggling with his more monstrous acts, and with seeing Luke and Han as intrusive thoughts.

Rey failing the training course because of him makes perfect sense. Notice that this is also when she gets angry.

The Kintsugi vibe given off by Ren’s helmet repairs are fascinating.

Given the way Pryde keeps focusing on Hux during the meeting, I feel like he suspects Hux.

I find it interesting that Finn seems to be the peacekeeper in the OT3. Poe is definitely a hothead, even though he’s matured since TFA and TLJ. And Rey snaps back at him, indignant that he’s snapping at her. And Finn is the one doing the “Guys, guYS, we don’t have TIME for this” routine.

I like the quiet horror of Rey recognizing Exegol’s name. Whether it’s Force shenanigans, or from reading Luke’s books, or from the vision, whatever. The recognition followed by horror is Good Fucking Acting.

I wish that there’d been a little more of Luke or Leia reassuring Rey that a name is just a name. That the legacy is what you make it. And that as the children of Anakin Skywalker, they know that better than anyone. I feel like that would have been a good tie-in and highlight for the way the surnames are treated in the movies. Ben shunning both Organa and Solo, Rey having a last name at last but one that carries the same kind of stigma and Dark past.

I… kind of wonder if Ren surrounded himself in atrocities as a means of self-punishment. We know it’s canon that he keeps being pulled to the Light, and that every time he does, he tries something Dark. Maybe it’s his way of reminding himself how far he’s fallen and that he can’t ever go back home again (which we know is bullshit, but hey, abuse fucks your brain up, and Snoke was abusive af). Like, again, I know it’s mostly just in the comics so far, but we see him a lot saying, “I never wanted this,” “I don’t want to do this.”

The Pasaana dance in the festival seems pretty clearly modeled after tribal dances, and that makes me wonder if powerful dances like the Dha Werda and the Ancestor Dance shown in the film send ripples through the Force. And what that might be like.

I… kind of like the idea of Ben and Kylo struggling for control? I need to finish reading TLJ and read TRoS when it comes out, but there are things Kylo does—the almost-gentle banter with Rey, the way he reaches out in TLJ when she’s on Ahch-To, warning her about Palps—that doesn’t make sense from a purely Kylo perspective. I mean, I’m also an angst gremlin who enjoys the idea of Kylo losing more ground to Ben Solo, and having serious identity clashes.

The bond between Rey and Kylo has grown exponentially. Each movie, it gets bigger and more powerful. In TFA, it allowed her to look into his head. And he wasn’t able to really bring himself to hurt her. In TLJ, it bridges impossible distances of space, even so far as transporting physical objects across the distance. And in TRoS, we see that it’s gotten so strong, it literally blocks out the rest of the physical world. You could argue that the darkness in the bond is what’s overshadowing it, but I don’t count it that way. Rey’s surroundings on Pasaana are slowed down and muted, as if only Ren is her focus.

The trio is so drift compatible, it hurts.

The way the trio grabs for each other, though. It was beautiful. Disney may have decided that Poe/Finn wasn’t a thing, which we all know is a damn lie, but this movie ships the OT3 so hard. The way Poe catches Rey as she falls, the way they both turn at almost the same time to look for Finn. The casual touching.

Childish though it was, I did enjoy the “mine’s bigger” joke with Rey’s lightsaber vs Poe’s flashlight.

Rey shows an affinity for Animal Empathy. Ren has used Stasis more than once. I could even argue that there’s been some subtle Battle Meditation going on throughout the series. And I kind of? Like that we’re seeing some of the more obscure and subtle Force powers.

Also? The snakey slow-blink? I love.

Rey seems to have some psychometry abilities. And I love it.

The way Rey says “I’ll be right behind you” isn’t what it sounds like. It has a lot of layers to it. (Just like Han’s “I know” in ESB) It’s declaration of intent (“I’ll handle this”), it’s a request (“Trust me”), and it’s consolation and reassurance (“I’ll be fine.”). The way all that is conveyed with five simple words is. Ugh. My heart.

As Finn gets stronger in the Force, I’m enjoying seeing his instincts kick in. He senses Ren’s approach, which is a nice completion of the parallel to TFA when Ren sensed him as the traitor.

I don’t know who’s read the Rise of Kylo comic, but the way she slices his ship to bring him down is a direct parallel to the shot he made when he escaped the destroyed Temple. (I love all the tie-ins, honestly)

Rey was doing okay with trying to pull the transport down until Kylo stepped in to push her. The most likely scenario is less “force lightning is genetic” (because that’s crap) but more that anger clouded her mind and she already had a direct Force ability going.

When I asked my roommate why she thought Rey couldn’t sense Chewie’s life force, she gave me an interesting theory. Well, a few, but one I think makes a lot of sense. The first was that Chewie was already off-world and thus too far away (later debunked by her sensing him as the Destroyer is in orbit). Or that maybe the transports were shielded against Force Abilities, but given that they’re so rare in this era, I don’t think that’s the case. I agree with my roomie in saying that it’s more likely that Rey burnt out part of her senses and basically put herself in shock due to the feedback of casting a powerful and traditionally dark side ability for the first time.

The first couple of times I watched the movie, the entire Threepio arc bothered me. Why didn’t they just plug him into the navicomputer, the way they’d done before? Why the angst build-up? Then I remembered that they left the Falcon on Pasaana, and it’s possible that L3 is more equipped to talk to Threepio’s forbidden memory banks than a post-TCW era ship that’s almost certainly out of date.

…Zorii and Poe have A Past. I’d put money on them having banged like screen doors in a hurricane at least a few times.

“Who are you hanging out with that spEAKS SITH?!?”

I? love? Babu?

“Does she do that to us?” had me in tears.

Oh my God, the sheer #aesthetic and foreshadowing of her duel with Ren. The red fruit (cherries?) spilling across the floor, the stark color against the too-bright white. The way Vader’s helmet thunks on the ground like a sour note in a song, the way the pedestal shatters with their combined strikes. Vader falling from Ren’s worship (as the truth is revealed that it was Snoke/Palps messing with his mind and he never heard Vader), the dark glass shattering the same way the darkness in Ren dies with him.

Finn is… kind of a gossipy biddy and I love it. The way Jannah hands him the part and he just flat out abandons the work to talk, the body language as he hoists himself up to sit on the ledge. I love it. He’s precious.

I wonder if the Death Star echoes in the Force. So many brutal deaths in those halls. So many restless ghosts.

…okay, I’m not sure how to feel about the dagger lining up with the fallen DS’s architecture. Because like. There’s so many layers to that? That suggests that Palps had the dagger created after Endor/RoTJ. Which suggests that he may have had the Wayfinders created then too (though it seemed pretty comfy in the Vault, so maybe he already had them?) (Also, there was one on Mustafar. Was it planted there? Did Vader know about Exegol? I need more information than this!) And like. The Death Star is sitting in a violent sea. It’s going to degrade eventually. What if the horizon line had changed? What then? It seems flimsy, for all that it was dramatic and cool.

The sheer aesthetic in this movie, though. The symbolism is everywhere. Like Rey taking the skimmer. I love the aesthetic choices of her struggling against these giant, furious waves as a fantastic visual analogy of her struggle against the emotions churning away inside her. And how Despair and Fear and even Anger threaten to overwhelm her and drown her, but she keeps holding tight to that little skimmer the same way she’s clinging to Luke’s teachings and Leia’s love and faith in her. Their belief in her.

“You don’t know what she’s fighting.” “And you do?” I wonder if, as a Force Adept, Finn can sense the bond between Rey and Ren, and that she’s struggling against it. As well as the Palpatine name.

Theory (that may or may not have been explored in the Legends EU): Any place steeped in enough Dark emotion can become a place of visions like the Mirror Cave and Dagobah’s Cave. Rey comes face to face with her worst fear on the Death Star.

Speaking of, I wonder if some small part of Rey enjoyed the vision of her and Kylo as Emperor and Empress. I wonder if that’s where the abject horror comes from.

Speaking of more aesthetic, the on-screen contrast and history of the window where Vader and Luke dueled, and the shot of Palps’ throne over Rey’s shoulder. Sorry not sorry but I’m going to be forever in love with the cinematography in this movie.

Ren seems… almost exasperated that she’s still drawing her saber on him. That has fic potential.

That. Entire. Fucking. Duel. That entire battle. Just… oof. OOF. My heart. It blew everything in me wide open. Looking with the eyes of a writer and SW expert instead of the wide-eyed “my hEaRt!” first reaction, I saw So Much. Like Rey and Ren trading battle stances. IDK if anyone else noticed, and it’s happened before (the throne room battle in TLJ, notably, but also their duel in Ren’s quarters). But here, it’s so clear. They gave and took from each other as they fought, and that broke my heart. It threw me back to KotOR II’s echani battles, and the fight between Sun and Mun in Sense8. Here, unlike TLJ, they weren’t fighting in tandem with each other. This was back and forth. Rey starts out saber up, in what looks like shii-cho. Kylo, like always, starts out in Ataru, with heavy, powerful strikes trying to bludgeon down her defense. Rey switches to an offensive, then to fast, agile strikes holding her lightsaber Ahsoka style. Kylo then switches to shii-cho, and Rey enters Ataru, with the aggressive offensive. The way they switched between each other was fantastic.

Near the end, Rey starts giving up. You can see it. Her movements get sluggish, like she’s just going through the motions. Like she’s so tired of fighting the bond in her head, her reluctant pull to him, like she’s just. So Fucking Tired. She’s resigned.

Kylo Ren dying by his own lightsaber while Ben’s mother called to him. That symbolism. That symbolism, though.

The way he looks around, like he’s in shock. The way the battle just stops, and he’s sitting there, dying. You can see the change in him, as Ben wakes up and Kylo dies. There’s so much shell-shock and disorientation, like someone who’s been asleep for too long, waking up confused. And I’d like to believe that Rey healing him poured not just healing but maybe a little Light into him, and that, along with Leia reaching for him, is what gave Ben the strength to rise over Kylo and overpower him. (See also, my love of internal power struggles)

“I did want to take your hand. Ben’s hand.” Excuse you, I did not sign up for this feels trip.

Rey running away. I have… conflicted feelings on? Did she run away because she was grieving? To escape her own history? Did she run because she gave into the dark and struck down Kylo in anger? Or because she was tempted by Ben?

I know everyone says that Han was just a memory but I prefer to believe that Han’s just too stubborn to be a proper Force Ghost. And Disney and Lucasarts can pry Force Sensitive Han Solo out of my cold dead hands.

Luke, materializing out of the air and catching the saber. My heart screamed. Especially when he chided her (and himself) that a lightsaber deserves more respect.

“Leia didn’t tell me.” I think… I think Leia was trying to, without saying the words, “Rey, you’re a Palpatine.” She said, “Never be afraid of who you are.” And oh, God, that’s something Leia would know. In the EU she struggles with being Anakin’s daughter, with the legacy of Vader hanging over her. She struggles with it so much. And finally comes to terms with it. So if anyone knows what that’s like, it’s going to be her.

­­­"She sensed the death of her son at the end of her Jedi path." So... she had nearly thirty years to plan for it. Yoda says, “Always in motion, the future is.” I don’t believe for a single instant that Leia Organa shrugged her shoulders and said “Welp, guess my kid’s gonna die.”

Luke KNEW Ben would go to Exegol. He knew and no one will ever convince me otherwise. “Take both sabers.” She’d need one for Ben.

I wonder if Lando looks at the Falcon and sees all the little pieces of Han.

So. The arrival order at Exegol threw me for a while. Rey gets there, in Red 5. Using the toasted Wayfinder. Then the Resistance arrives, following her trail. We see Ben arrive in a TIE fighter. But… how? Rey’s trail was given to the Resistance on what I can only imagine is an encrypted wave data burst. We know it was technically given to Lando, so that the people joining the battle could find them. But Ben’s in a TIE fighter. Did he get the message from Lando? Were the coordinates already programmed into the TIE via the Final Order? Did he memorize the path from before (given that he’s a stellar pilot like Han)? Did Rey give it to him?

I hate Palps being a one-trick pony in the movies. We see him in TCW having other abilities, and mad saber skills. But in the movies, his schtick is the same every time: He seduces people to the Dark and makes them feel like they don’t have a choice, usually by dangling, “Look, you can SAVE THEM” in front of everyone. And then once he has them, he keeps them by constantly belittling them and reminding them that there’s nowhere else for them to go, because they burnt all their bridges. (Ex: Vader being reminded of what he did to Padme, and Kylo being reminded via Snoke of his own actions)

WEDGE. WEDGE ANTILLES. WEDGE.

Rey felt Ben’s approach, and you can see the change in her body language.

THAT IS THE MOST HAN SOLO THING I HAVE EVER SEEN AND IT’S NOT EVEN HAN SOLO. Watching the changes in Ben (vs Kylo) is so fucking great. He’s lighter, he’s faster. He skids (Han/Death Star), shoots behind him (Han/TFA), and the Solo Shrug. Ugh. Seeing Leia and Han blended in Ben with the Solo swagger, and Leia’s grace is fantastic.

Also: he looks so Soft. And so much younger.

I wonder if they’re communicating through the bond? He knows she can see him, because he nods at her to give him the saber. And unless I didn’t see correctly, she mouthed/whispered his name. And again, we see the connections between them in the fighting style. They’re still acting and reacting like extensions of each other.

The way they meet, the relief on their faces. Relief that melts into stubbornness and determination. Also, the way they take up their sabers in the same stance, the same expression. It’s delicious.

We were ROBBED of seeing the Jedi around Rey. ROBBED.

I’m STILL SALTY that they weren’t there for Ben (that we can see anyway).

Ben proceeded to completely shatter my heart. When he pulls Rey into his lap, he looks around like he’s waiting for someone to tell him what to do. He’s actively seeking guidance and help. And because we don’t have an in to Ben’s head, we don’t know if someone told him what to do or how to do it, or if anyone comforted him. But we do see his face go from disbelief to despair to acceptance.

The face touch. Stop breaking my damn heart.

When the Core ships arrive, I’m almost positive I saw The Razorcrest and the Ghost. I need to check the disc where I can pause it, but I’d put money on it that I saw them.

The way the trio grabs for each other at the end is more movie-shipping-OT3. Finn holding the two people he loves most in the world, right where he can see them. Poe taking Rey’s hand. They don’t know what happened in the Citadel, but I’m pretty sure Finn can feel how tired Rey is, how wounded she is. And they’re There For Her.

Rey burying the sabers on Tatooine has so many emotions attached to it. Tatooine, where Anakin Skywalker was born of the Force, where Luke spent his formative years. Luke and Leia resting together in the Force, as their student moves on and tries to find her way in the galaxy. And the parallels and tie ins from TFA to now, like Rey building a dual saber from parts of her quarterstaff, the sand sliding, and the OT callback to the protag being silhouetted by the twin suns, were satisfying.

Rey’s saber being yellow is something I find… interesting. If you look at the newer movies, whenever a blue or green saber crosses with a red one, the light sparks and blending of the plasma fields look yellow. And Kyber crystals (in the new canon) aren’t colored. They take on a color when the jedi awakes the force in them. So for her color to resonate yellow as someone balanced in light and dark makes a lot of sense.

I have… Opinions on the surname controversy that I’m still trying to sort through. And I definitely have Opinions on Ben sacrificing himself (mostly that the entire sequel trilogy spent two and a half movies harping on about balance only to kill off half the balance and leave a Force Wound in their protag)

***

Was Rise of Skywalker a good movie? Eh. That depends a lot on your criteria.

Was it a successful Star Wars movie? That also depends on your criteria.

But for me, it felt like Star Wars. It felt like an ending to the Skywalker saga. Did I get everything I wanted? No. Am I salty about parts of it? Absolutely. Are there plot holes I could drive a Death Star through? You betcha. Were we robbed of a better, more cohesive movie based on the leaks from JJ’s crew? YUP.

But I found things to enjoy. I got things I wanted (OT3! Force Sensitive Finn! Bendemption! Lando! Hope for the galaxy!), didn’t know I wanted (Master Leia! D-O the anxiety droid! Generals Finn and Poe!), and things I definitely didn’t want.

[soberovereasy]

124

4 months

4 days

62,300+ calories

$1777+ dollars

177+ hours

When I got to 90 days, I thought, well, I might as well make it to 100. When I got to 100, I thought, well, might as well make it to 3 months. And I’ve just kept going. Save an odd sip of my husbands drink just to try it, I haven’t had a drink of my own ini 124 days (and counting).

People like to ask me if “I miss it” or if it’s “been hard” a lot. I think that sobriety sparks a bit of a curiosity for drinking people, whether they’ve tried a break on their own and struggled or just have never even thought of trying it at all. When alcohol is so ingrained in your lifestyle and culture, it’s really hard to imagine what you’d do without it. That in itself doesn’t mean you’re dependent; it’s just a further symptom of what society has done to romanticize and normalize alcoholism. 1-2 drinks a day is normal, drinking wine is good for your heart, everyone drinks a lot, just get a Michelob Ultra like the fitness people do. A post-race beer re-hydrates you. Drink responsibly. Shots, shots, shots, shots. I’m Irish today. Irish I were drunker. Wine not? Yes way rose.

I think a lot of the stigma associated with alcohol is broken after these few months of a clearer head. I might be repeating myself - sorry - I wanted to write this without reading what I wrote the last time. Once I knew I could no longer drink to get drunk, the idea of drinking all together kind of lost it’s luster. I never drank Miller Lite for the taste! It was one, then another, then another, while I mindlessly emptied tall frosty glasses because it’s just what we did for fun. Eventually that melted into a warm, buzzy feeling where I was ready to take on the world and stay out all night chasing the high. Now, I know that I can never drink like I used to, because I will always be at risk for re-triggering my pancreatitis. I have no permanent damage on my liver, so if I want it to heal and never go back, I can’t drink to get drunk. Goodbye, warm fuzzy feeling.

That makes it so easy, though. It’s so black and white. I have no reason to down cheap beer or chug down the last of a brew I didn’t particularly like just to not waste money. No more boxed wine. I may never have another cocktail, either, save an odd martini if I can stomach the taste, or a craft cocktail on a special occasion. No more grapefruit vodka and sodas by the pool - I’d rather just have a soda straight up with a twist of grapefruit now. The only purpose of a mixed drink like liquor + mixer is to get drunk, period. As drinkers, we like to say it makes a difference. People who would never touch soda in real life will anxiously down a captain and diet with a refreshed, “Ah! That hits the spot!”, as if the captain made the coke taste any better. Have you ever had a Mexican Coke straight from the bottle? That stuff needs nothing else. It’s perfect as is.

I’ve gotten used to, even fond of, bubbly waters. I crack one when I get home with the same ritual that I may have poured myself a glass of wine. I know which ones are better than others - Perrier with Lime is one of my favorites, because of the sexy, slender cans and a strong pop of lime. Topo Chico straight from the glass bottle with a slice of lime in it - just like I used to do with a Corona - is as satisfying as a beer these days. I found Bubly to be a bit bland. Everyone knows La Croix is. I tend to drink those when I want water, but something a little extra.

I’ve tried A/F wines and beers, and still view them as a treat more than anything else. On St Pats I threw an AF stout into my backpack and snuck it into a bar to enjoy amongst the other Irish celebrators. Man, those tables have turned, haven’t they? I used to sneak in wine and liquor to get my buzz on for cheap. Now I’m sneaking in AF options everywhere I go because water is boring and I want to feel like I’m a part of the action.

That’s what you’re really quitting, when you’re not a true addict (we’ll get to that in a second). The alcohol has been fairly easy to kick, save the rare FOMO when I see someone enjoying a large glass of cabernet or pinot grigio at a restaurant. I only really miss the wine - beer and liquor, as much as I enjoyed them, are pretty easy to replace. I’m happy to drink a soda and lime most places, or ask for a MOCKtail at a bar. I keep track of which places offer AF beers and drinks, and suggest them whenever we go out. But the wine, you really can’t replace. The AF wines are fine for the most part, but you’ll never get that out at a restaurant. The whites are better than the reds. I suspect when I do drink again it will be fancy wine and nothing else.

But what you’re really kicking is that feeling of belonging, especially if you regularly hang out with other drinkers. What you’re really adjusting to is a world where you don’t quite fit in anymore. You’ll definitely notice that your friends don’t drink as much as you thought they did…or did they just drink more around you, because you were the instigator? I learned that I was the party planner in our group. I was the one constantly suggesting happy hour or second locations. Whenever I was on my last drink, I was already working on where we’d go get the next one. I was the one who said, “No! Have another! It’s not time to leave yet!” I was always down for whatever. I was a yes girl.

I remember my friend C saying she loved that I was a yes girl. She said, “No matter what, I know I can text you and you’ll be down for something.” And it’s true. I practiced saying yes more often than no because I hated missing out, and I wanted to be the person that everyone went to for a good time. I didn’t want to be left out. So I said yes and yes and yes and yes until I yessed myself into the emergency room. So now what I’m struggling with is, how do you stay the yes girl when your yes is a solid no now?

I’ve chatted with other friends about feeling like we don’t do anything anymore. I’ve mentioned my frustration that because I don’t drink, no one wants to do anything because no one knows what to do. I’m happy to go and sit at a bar with the girls, sipping on whatever I choose for that evening, but I’m not going to suggest it. It makes no sense for me to say, “Happy hour?” if I’m not participating in the happy. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I need to continue being the person that arranges happy hours even in my post-alcohol state, because it’s clear no one else is going to do it. Maybe the only way for me to stop feeling left out is to make sure there’s no way I can be.

My relationships continue to change and evolve in the post-alcohol world as well. I’m now much more annoyed much more quickly by drunk people, and I have little patience for my husband when he comes home after a bourbon-fueled night out. I’ve been short with friends that say they “don’t know what to do” around me - I even get annoyed when they say they don’t feel comfortable drinking around me. I’m sure it’s out of respect of some sort, and I should be grateful that they don’t want to drink instead of encouraging it, but it feels like I’m being treated with kid gloves, and I don’t like it. It makes me feel like I’m fragile in their eyes - and I’m not.

That’s the #1 thing I think I’ve learned so far - I don’t believe I am an alcoholic. I don’t have “cravings” that are uncontrollable. My life is generally better because I’m not drinking, sure, but I haven’t done a complete 180. The doctors told me to quit drinking so I did. It wasn’t difficult. I didn’t do therapy, I didn’t go to AA, I didn’t do anything except quit drinking. And that’s it.

This theory will be tested when I decide to try drinking again. When people ask if I will drink again, my answers vary. It used to be, “Oh, I’m sure I will.” it’s evolved now to, “I dunno. I mean, probably I’ll have a glass of wine every once in a while, but I don’t really see the point of it anymore.” The longer I go without, the easier it is to. I LOVE all of the weight I’ve lost, and the bloat, and how people are constantly commenting that I look great. That feeling is better than any 150 calorie glass of wine, period. And I’ve found enjoyable substitutes, so I don’t miss the ritual. Because that’s all it really is, isn’t it? A ritual that we go through. Grab the wine glass, pop the bottle, pour a glass, sit down and relax. That ritual doesn’t change at all when it’s an AF wine or a bottle of cranberry juice. It’s just healthier now, and guilt free.

I’m traveling this week, which is why I wanted to get this all out there before I left. Because I might drink on my trip. This is the first time I’ve been a tourist alcohol free, and since going to breweries and wineries is such a big part of my past travel, I don’t know how it will go. If I were traveling solo, I don’t think I’d be tempted at all, funnily enough. But since I’ll be with my husband, I can see a time where I might have a small beer flight or split a bottle of wine. I don’t know. And since I haven’t had a drink, I don’t even know if I’ll enjoy it anymore. Every time I sip an old fashioned my husband ordered, it’s so sweet and syrupy I can’t imagine having a whole glass. I tasted his margarita the other night and went WHOOOBOY there’s a lot of tequila in that! My senses are heightened, and even the smell makes me turn my nose up. What if I don’t even care for wine anymore?

I do think that trying alcohol again after you’ve abstained for a good time period is part of the process. The addicts will call it relapse after even one sip. I’ve always thought of it as a video game - when you fall off the mountain in zelda and die, you don’t start the whole game over. You’re back on the mountain where you left off, and you keep playing. I don’t think I’ll relapse to the point of a full binge, though. I’ve done a lot of soul searching. And I’ve put it to bed - it feels like the part of my life devoted to alcohol is truly over. It’s time for a new part. But I do feel like I have to re-explore my world with alcohol in it to see if it can still be in my life, or if I’m done with it for good. If I drink a glass of wine and go, meh, I could do without I think, that’s great because I won’t WONDER anymore. The FOMO becomes the JOMO - the joy of missing out.

The fact is, with all of my free time I have a lot of time to think about my life, and where it’s going, and what I’m doing. I read an article recently about this brand called “Outdoor Voices,” whose motto is simply #DoingThings. The Doing Things lifestyle is pretty straightforward - do something every day to move your body and enjoy yourself. The idea that exercise is a chore is one that has long followed me, since back in the day when I spent two hours at the gym every day to maintain perfect abs and tiny arms. It was just something I had to do in order to look good. That same day, I got on my spin bike with the thought that I was getting to workout, that I had an amazing body that had the capability to work out, that I felt better than I’ve felt in years and instead of spending 30 minutes on a patio drinking rose, I was doing 30 minutes of hard cardio to better myself. It’s like something shifted in my mind and now I’m able to workout and feel THANKFUL that I can do it, that I feel good doing it, and not grateful that it’s over.

I’m picking up piano again. I’ve been reading and playing video games. I’m going to start taking an adult ballet class. When it’s beautiful out, I go on a bike ride, either with my husband or just solo to clear my head. I work out. I take walks. There are so many things I felt like I didn’t have time for, when in reality I was sitting on my couch, nursing a glass of cab and watching netflix over and over, because I’d forgotten what I’d seen the night before.

My sobriety is good. I enjoy being sober.

I think the hangup here is that sobriety gives me something “special” that makes me different from others. It’s like a secret club. I felt this on St Pats, like when you make eye contact with other sober people (mostly servers, ha), with a knowing glance - these people are idiots. So if I break that sobriety for a glass of wine or two a month, am I less special? I can’t say I’m “sober” anymore, but there’s no in-between. I’m  mostly sober. I don’t drink “that much.” I’m not really a big drinker. That’s so decidedly less special, but I don’t know why I’m so caught up on the label. Why isn’t there a label for someone who lives a mostly sober life, plays by the rules of sobriety, and ever so often enjoys a small glass of wine in moderation? Semi-sober. Sober-ish. THERE NEEDS TO BE A WORD.

Because in my heart, I’ve done the steps to make these changes. I’ve been living a new and fresh life from a new perspective, and I love the way I am feeling and looking. And I want to chase THAT feeling, not the one at the bottom of a wine glass. Maybe I *do* want to be completely sober. Who knows.