#every day i am more angry at them for not changing their toxic behaviour ingrained in them

[honeyed-disgraceful]

My grief at this point is just anger because I'm in a cage made for me by others and I either kill myself or keep going. But people need me so I'm gonna be fucking angry about it. Then one day I Will kill myself

[fair-dinkum-mechanic]

I’m gonna put this here because I’ve sat on it for far too long, and for what? To protect someone who absolutely has not and will not do the same for me? 

If any of you remember me, you’ll remember I was in a long term relationship that was very publicly spoken about when I was active on my Tumblr. Over a year ago now, that ended, as was way overdue. My own issues and insecurities clouded my judgement and made me desperately want to cling to something that was so unhealthy, toxic, and borderline abusive. And I haven’t wanted to say those words because I’ve felt like it’s overdramatic or a complete fabrication of my mind. It’s not, though. It never was. 

Things were fine at the start, really good. Gradually, though, things became all about what he wanted and while he said he would never, ever make me choose between him and other things in my life that is EXACTLY what he ended up doing. He wanted honesty, he wanted open communication, something which I agreed with and carried out. If something uncomfortable was happening, I would speak up and tell him straight up. When my mum said she wanted us to break up, I told him that’s what was said. I didn’t tell him the reason, though. I didn’t tell him it was because my friends, and friends parents, had told her they were worried about the relationship because of angry and aggressive behaviour they had seen him display. They were worried about things that I had said in passing, not even meaning to suggest there was an issue. 

I witnessed violence and anger for the entire 6 year period I was in my relationship. I witnessed shouting, objects being thrown at the floor, at the walls, at animals, at other people’s property. Animals were hit, kicked, thrown. I didn’t want to admit it, because I didn’t want to have the anger directed at me, but I was scared. I was terrified. I was honestly, really, really afraid. What did I do, though? I never said “it’s okay” I made a point to never say those words, because it wasn’t. I still provided comfort, though. I still went along and pretended it never happened. 

I was by no means an angel in the relationship, though. I made my fair share of horrible mistakes. I cheated. I was closed off many times. Sometimes I could’ve compromised more, but didn’t. And while those are all horrible things that never should’ve happened, I can see why and how they happened. One of the factors being that I was young and it was my first relationship, and I’ve learned through those mistakes. I was open and spoke about these issues and we worked through them together, and I actively worked hard to make amends and ensure they wouldn’t happen again. I thought that was cool, but apparently it wasn’t. Anytime anything would go wrong, those mistakes and issues were brought up as if they hadn’t been resolved. As if the words “It’s okay, I promise” were never spoken. ANY transgression I made in that relationship was filed away and catalogued for whenever he needed to ensure I was at fault. Whenever he wanted something, or didn’t want to take accountability, SOME mistake I made was brought up and used as the sole reason anything went wrong. 

This is the abuse. Already in a fragile place, with undiagnosed BPD which was causing so many issues, none of us knowing why, especially me at the time, he twisted and guilted me into truly believing I was demanding, controlling, manipulative, and annoying. All of which I believed and all of which made my mental state spiral further and further down, which in turn exacerbated the issues giving him more fuel to use against me if he ever needed. 

Never ONCE was an issue brought to my attention. Not ONCE did he approach me before punishing me for a perceived slight against him. 

Which brought us to the breakup. I was crushed. After years and years of this, I truly believed that if he left nobody else would ever love me again. Part of me is still trying to let that belief go, it’s so deeply ingrained. When all became hopeless I just needed an escape. I didn’t exactly want to die, but I just wanted to pain to stop. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I ended up in hospital 4 times. The first time, my best friend rang him up and he snapped at her, telling her “I can’t deal with this, you deal with it I’m at work” to which her sister screamed “YOU FUCKING DEAL WITH IT YOU FUCKING CHILD” 

Unfortunately, this only further enabled him to create this “manipulative, toxic, controlling ex” narrative that he had decided was the best way to deflect responsibility. I had to be placed into a healthcare facility for 2 weeks, with limited visiting, compulsory checks every hour, and strict routines. DURING MY STAY HERE this man had begun spreading the idea that I was doing all of this to guilt him into staying with me. That I had ridden in an ambulance twice, been taken away from everything I know and love for longer than I ever had, to encourage my abuse to continue. 

What made it worse for me was that... some of my very close friends believed it. I don’t know why, or how, and it still hurts and haunts me because I had tried to explain how I was feeling to them, but it didn’t matter. I’d already become a villain in their minds. Even writing this all out I feel like “maybe I’m lying to myself?” or “is this just a way for me to manipulate the situation?”, but i KNOW that’s not true, because people who do those things don’t CARE if they’re doing it, and I care immensely. I don’t WANT to manipulate, I don’t WANT to lie. I just want the fucking truth and for accountability to be taken. I’ve taken accountability for all of my actions, no matter how ugly they were. I did it. End of story. It’s not good, there’s no excuse, and I need to work at regaining trust and never doing those things again, that’s on me and no one else. 

If there’s one thing I’ve been able to do later in life, it’s stay true to my values. For a while, I was made to feel dirty, wrong, and selfish for it. Because I didn’t ‘feel’ the correct way or I didn’t have the ‘correct love language’. 

If I didn’t express the emotion he wanted from me, or say the things he wanted me to say, he would silently try and manipulate those reactions from me. To which I never obliged. I don’t operate that way. I very much need someone to speak up and be direct with what they want from me. If it’s within my values and ability, and if I WANT to, I will do that. I won’t say “It’s going to be okay :)” if I can’t promise that! If I don’t genuinely believe that it will be! I won’t lie! 

There’s so much wrong with what happened last year, and I have born the brunt of other people’s selfish, inconsiderate, and unfortunately misguided views, and at the end of the day I can only control my own actions. 

What I know to be true: I genuinely like people, and I want to help them smile and laugh, and love themselves. I care deeply for many things, and I love very deeply. - these are all true and they will not change. 

What I also know to be true: I didn’t ask for the mental and emotional abuse, but it is up to me to recover and grow from it. I cannot control how others act or what others believe. I can only hold on to what I know is true. Anger, and accusations, I cannot control, unless they are my own.  I just ask, please, please, do not believe that everyone is who they portray themselves as online. Most abusive people that I have seen in my life have blogs, feeds, and profiles that are full of positivity, activism, good causes, humour, and cute pictures. Please. As someone who has suffered through this, and continues to try his best to recover and become a whole, healthy person again, please don’t buy into it.  There’s so much more to say but I’ve rambled on enough. I’m just hoping things get better and that the future is brighter for everyone. I am working so hard to better myself, and I have come so so far in only a year. I drive now, I have kept up my gym habit with one of my very best friends, I’m going through weekly DBT, I work in new places with fun new people that I get to meet and experience new things with, and I am slowly relearning my worth as a person, and as a potential partner. 

At the end of the day, no matter how I was wronged, and how I was manipulated and portrayed, I am so, SO much better off without him in my life and I do not miss him at all. I can do so much better, and I will do so much better. I’m lonely, but I’m wlling to be lonely until the right one comes along. I will not settle for second best again. And that’s what he was. 

[soovaryit]

I couldn’t decide whether to post this, because I felt the subject matter was too big and maybe I was privileged in too many ways to feel that my opinion is important. But after watching footage of the women’s marches around the world the day after Trumps inauguration, I got to thinking about protesting, about women voicing their opinions and what it was that made me worry about voicing mine. I’ve had a lot of conversations with people recently about the value of feeling angry. Some of them have made me angry (lol) and some have made me think about what right we have to tell people how to react to their, and others, injustices. Trump becoming elected is making people extremely angry and that is undeniably useful and a tool for change. Here is my opinion, from one person, in one place, at one time but hopefully something that can speak to all. The root of a lot of the anger and problems in the world are rooted in the problem of gender. From birth we are gendered. We are told if we don’t feel like we are taught (brainwashed) to feel, as our designated gender, then we can be ‘fixed’ or counselled until we accept it. We are told that when we are born into the wrong body that it cannot be true. But how can that be so when there is no truth in gender. There is biological sex and then there are the damaging ideals that are set alongside that. Instead of admit that gender is an inherently flawed societal construction, people are damaged by legislation telling them who they are and what to do with their bodies. There is no logic in that. As a society, we hurt them, oppress them, question them, fetishize them, and make them feel unsafe.  I am a cis white woman. I was born into a body that I feel belongs to me and I feel comfortable in my own kind of femininity which is one that is widely accepted by society. But that is something that not all people share and something so many take for granted. It cannot be disputed that as women are born into a culture of fear and of ‘too much’ or ‘never enough’ – destined for a life of inequality solely because we identify as women. This will be the case in varying extremes, depending on where you are born. I am fortunate that I was born into a part of the world where gender equality consistently improves in small ways. But striving for equality is a feat that will never be over, no matter how much it improves for you as an individual in the place that you are in the world.   I used to be afraid to call myself a feminist. I was afraid of the weight and the assumptions that the term held. I was afraid of what men would think of me being a feminist, because I have grown up to be conditioned to think about what men think. I was afraid of what women would think of me, especially women who already identified as feminists. I’d think maybe I didn’t know enough, maybe I haven’t read the right books, maybe they’ll question my dedication to the cause because I don’t always go to protests and I choose to shave my body hair. At this point in my life I wasn’t even aware that not ascribing to either gender was possible. Now I am proud to call myself a feminist because I recognise the urgency of the need for change all over the world.  It’s a complicated and difficult thing being a woman today. Even when you are aware of the ways in which you may have been unknowingly pressured into being feminine, and when you are aware of how fucked up it is that the archetypal beauty standard is western, thin, toned, small, symmetrical, hairless, long haired, blemish free and all the things that the majority of women are NOT, you still fight every day for peace of mind. You try to find justification everywhere you can that you have a right to be a woman in the way that you want to, without letting others dictate that. You can be as ‘woke’ as you want and yet you will probably find that these gender norms are so deeply, irretrievably ingrained into your existence that you can’t go a day without questioning a seemingly insignificant action or feeling guilty for going against the worlds ridiculous and reductive idea of what a woman (or man for that matter) is. You might remember the point at which you became aware that you were a woman. For me, that happened when I was 9 years old and my body was sexualised by cat callers for the first time. I cried, and I felt a deep sense of shame and embarrassment and a longing to feel safe in my body. For a lot of women, the realisation that their body was something to be objectified or owned by men would have been a lot more brutal, painful, and intolerable. But regardless, it’s in this moment that you realise that society will not let you forget your gender, in any situation.   We’re told we can’t be both sexy and intelligent. If we’re modest, we’re prudes, if we’re empowered by our sexuality, we’re sluts. If we’re opinionated and assertive, we’re bossy. If we weren’t born with a typical vagina, we aren’t a ‘real woman’. If we are too thin, we are not a ‘real woman’, yet we’re told to be thinner all over or bigger but only in all the right places. We’re sexualised to the point where feeding our babies from our breasts is something to be held against us. Something considered disgusting. If we choose to marry, we are oppressed and we have submitted to heteronormative, patriarchal ideas of romance. If we don’t find a partner we are lonely and left on the shelf. Some women don’t even have the choice to marry but are forced to, before their minds are even old enough to comprehend the concept of it. Some women are mutilated and raped in the name of culture or religion or because they were drunk but will still be assured that it is their fault, and not the fault of the perpetrator.  Victim blaming is a well-used and abused way to silence women. The majority of our struggles and troubles come from these ideas of gender difference that we choose to accept and reinforce and not discuss critically.  Feminism and female problems are often dismissed because if we take up too much space with our suffering, people with more privilege will be forced to feel just a fraction of the rage and the pain that we, collectively, have felt and they don’t want to. I used to think nothing of toning down my beliefs to retain friendships and relationships but now I see the damage caused by that, and the time that is wasted surrounding yourself with people who don’t allow you to be who you are. And for people who don’t understand this (of which there are MANY, a quick look on social media tells me). THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON MEN. It feels ridiculous the amount of times I have had to say to this before. The fact that some men make this about them is extremely telling of just how screwed the world is. Every time you try and take up women’s space by talking about male problems, you are proving our point and our desperate need for feminism in this day and age. Men have problems. Gender roles cause problems. Being in the patriarchal society that we are in oppresses them in ways too. And there is time and space to talk about that, but not when we are talking about female problems. I know so many great men who are proof that you can absolutely resist the toxic traits associated with masculinity and support women and be whatever kind of man you like. I literally burst with joy when I see the kindness and respect from my nephews and brother and men in my family and friend group who understand the struggle that women have in achieving basic rights and living a life they want to without reprimand, without fighting for it. Inspiring change in any way big or small is important. Every time I doubt myself now I think ‘where does it come from?’ And it never comes from inside me. It is something we are born into. The fear of telling our truth. The toxic trap of femininity and masculinity and the boxes it puts us into. Man up. Be a lady. Don’t cry like a girl. With Trump being elected, it feels like progress will stop and the hard work of many people to get closer to equality will be erased. But the strength and power, the ferociousness and raw emotion that comes from those women who marched, from all of us who are on their side, comes from suffering and wanting to be heard and understood.  Sometimes the truth will make you uncomfortable, but Trump is living, breathing proof of what ignorance and privilege can turn you into (see Mike Pence and Piers Morgan for further proof).Ignorance is not bliss, but a place where prejudice and discrimination and hate can grow uninterrupted.   The message I want to convey here is this: there is power in protest, in conversation, in confrontation. However you feel comfortable to stand up for yourself and those who are marginalised – do so. If you don’t feel confident enough in your beliefs to discuss them yet then read, absorb, watch, listen,be critical of the world around you and start to understand and feel the deep injustices, big and small, that women face. Remember that being intersectional is essential, to be the voices of women who have an even more difficult time being heard. If you want to - shout, scream, and make a fuss about it. Be angry. Think about history and how the horrific injustices of the past have not been rectified just because we are told to think they are. We don’t live in a post racial world. We don’t live in a world where genders are equal, and it is ignorant and lazy to think so. Don’t be tolerant of behaviour and actions that make you feel threatened and uncomfortable, regardless of the voice in your head (aka the patriarchy booo) that tells you to smile and be gentle and quiet. There is space for that, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t have to be your perpetual state of being just because it’s easier for others to swallow. Try and shed the guilt that you were born with and have been taught to hold on to just because it makes others’ lives easier. Educate yourself, find your strength in any way you can and remember there is no change too small to help in the challenge this world faces.

‘Don’t let anyone tell you the kind of  strength you should have when you’re the only one who feels the full impact of what life puts you through’ Samantha King  (@_samantha.king on instagram) ... and a link to an article by the glorious Eve Ensler about her thoughts on the march.   https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jan/21/womens-march-donald-trump-inauguration?CMP=fb_guing