#i fucking hate all the trauma and health issues they caused me

[honeyed-disgraceful]

My grief at this point is just anger because I'm in a cage made for me by others and I either kill myself or keep going. But people need me so I'm gonna be fucking angry about it. Then one day I Will kill myself

[seireitonin]

“Toby/ other characters would be an abuser!1!” A talk on why that pisses me off

Hi. My name is Seirei. I don’t want to share super personal shit on the internet, but due to certain factors in my life I have BPD. (this is NOT self diagnosis. I have been to a professional and for now they think I have this due to certain trauma/ symptoms I’ve shown) This is part of the cluster B personality type. That being said Toby and many other creepypasta characters either canonically have ASPD/ BPD or it’s a generally accepted headcanon that they do. Now this in itself doesn’t bother me if it’s done well and with research. But the problem is most ppl just slap these labels onto them without doing the proper research. I’ve gotten multiple comments on my TikTok like “well I think Toby is an abuser bc he has ASPD/ BPD” I hate that. I hate that so much. You guys say it’s for “realism” but you’re just demonizing mental disorders. You’re demonizing people like me. In you having your “realism” youre hurting me and ppl in the cluster B personality type. ASPD/ BPD doesn’t instantly make you an abuser. These are personality disorders brought on trauma. Especially trauma with parents/ family. People with ASPD/ BPD know that we’re not well all the time. We’re suffering from disorders that affect our lives. From trauma/ experiences that we didn’t ask for. These are DISORDERS. These aren’t fake edgy illnesses that you can slap onto a character with no thought when you want them to be angsty. For example when ppl say “Toby would be an abuser/ not be capable of love because of his ASPD and he went through abuse in his past” not only are you taking away the depth of his character, you’re just straight up demonizing mental disorders. If you read his story, he loves his mom and sister so much. People with ASPD can love. But it does cause him to be obnoxious and rude. But this isn’t coming from a place of malice. He’s a traumatized man w a disorder! This isn’t me saying Toby can do no wrong and he’s 100% healthy. Toby definitely has issues and I’d never erase that. But to call him an abuser because he has ASPD is so gross and you’re just demonizing ASPD to be edgy without doing research on it or the cluster B personality type in general. As I said before, people with cluster B personality type KNOW we have disorders. We live with them every day. They affect our lives, our relationships, ourselves. We know that we fuck up and what we do isn’t healthy all the time. We KNOW. We’re not doing it because we’re “abusers” we’re suffering and hurting. Again this isn’t me saying that everyone with BPD/ ASPD is a good person who’s willing to do the work and grow. There are bad people with these disorders. But that doesn’t mean everyone who has them are instantly abusive. I’m not an abuser at all. Never have been and never will be. But BPD does affect me and the way I act that can come off as hurtful/ unhealthy and I KNOW THAT. Im always actively putting in the work to be better, like a lot of people with ASPD/ BPD. Just because we have these disorders doesn’t instantly mean we can’t change/ be better. Doesn’t mean we’re not humans with emotions/ trauma of our own. Toby obviously had to do some kind of inner work to be able to be with Clockwork the way kastoway portrayed them. (If it’s canon or not is irrelevant here)When you say shit like “Toby is abusive bc of ASPD/ BPD” that’s what you’re telling us you think of us. You see us and treat us like monsters but then talk about how much you love Toby/ other characters for having our very real disorder. ASPD/ BPD can be seen as two sides of the same coin. They have so many similarities but are shown in different ways. Do proper research before you talk about mental health because you’re stigmatizing/ demonizing disorders that are already looked down upon. Toby does canonically have ASPD and possibly BPD but it’s written into his character pretty well(as well as a 13 year old in the 2010s can do) and now that ppl are older we can actually analyze his character/story correctly. But Jeff and many other characters still aren’t getting this same treatment and they need it.Do better.

[high-on-cactus-juice]

honestly I’m kinda annoyed by people who view Azula as some irredeemable psychopathic monster cause that’s such a misunderstanding of her character and everything she represents.

don’t get me wrong my girl is crazy in the series, but she’s also just a 14 year old girl who was raised as a weapon her whole life by a goddamn EVIL DICTATOR. while her other parent was emotionally unavailable due to her own mental issues at the time (I’m not saying that Ursa was a bad parent, I’m saying that Ursa was fucking traumatised by being forcibly married to a tyrant, and she ended up seeing a reflection of her husband in young Azula). when one of your parents is a tyrannical power hungry ruler and your other parent is emotionally unavailable because they associate you with their trauma, of course that’s gonna fuck you up???

Zuko represents everything Azula could have been. the two siblings are placed as fundamental opposites because Zuko is the one who achieved his redemption while Azula descended further into madness. however we do ignore the fact that a big part of the reason Zuko chooses redemption is because of the actions of other people, because of the support he had from Ursa and Iroh and later the gaang members. and if Azula had been given the same circumstances from the start she could have been redeemed too, just like Zuko.

but she wasn’t given any outside perspectives of the world outside of her fathers brainwashing ideology. so of course she listened to the one parent that she was left with because that’s what she thought love was. she was a child who was raised by only being exposed to her father’s propaganda, in other words literally cult brainwashing.

people don’t understand that Azula is a tragic character and not a psychopathic one, because she COULD HAVE been a redeemed character, she had all the POTENTIAL to be redeemable, and the only reason why she wasn’t redeemed towards the end was because she actively CHOSE not to be redeemed. because how can she go against all she has ever known?

notice how when Iroh talks about Azula he says she is “crazy and needs to go down” because that’s the truth and that’s what needs to happen in that moment, BUT he doesn’t at any point say that Azula is irredeemable, because he knows that if she was given the same chances as Zuko she could have been redeemed.

also people throw around the word psychopath a little too easily. Azula does care about others to some extent, she has emotions and complex feelings that she doesn’t know how to express due to her fucked up upbringing, and unstable mental health. hating Azula has low key become a gateway into stigmatising people with mental health disorders and I don’t like that. if you’re gonna dislike Azula think of a better reason than “oh she’s psychopathic and heartless boohoo”

[alostlittleriverlotus]

not in a good mood cause my friend's boyfriend is dealing with his abusive mom. And after a recent issue they had of her verbally abusing him, he found out about narcissistic abuse and ow. Ow. Thing is, he's autistic/adhd and has BPD and DID. I just. I fucking hate how easy it is. He repeated that "autistic and adhd people attract narcissists."

NO!!!!! Luckily he's very open minded and chill and is trying to understand when my friend tells him. But still. The fact that someone with equally demonized disorders and BPD which can be very commonly comorbid with NPD and then demonizes narcissists cause of how widely available that information is hurts. Just...no. Just no.

That is how easily accessible the information on "narcissists" is. He learned about it that easily when that ableism stems from the same place as the rest of hatred of mental health. There are people that believe you can't be in a relationship with someone with ADHD without it being emotionally abusive. People think meltdowns from autistic people are intentional emotional abuse. There are people that still believe that stuff.

It is so important for the rest of the mentally ill to not fall into this hole of demonizing narcissists. That ableism stems from the same place that ableism against autistic people and depression and anxiety and all stem from.

Narcissism doesn't make someone more likely to abuse. They do not have unique patterns of abuse. It is just abuse. It is emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse. Just because someone that may have NPD is abusive does not make it narcissistic abuse. And also: if your abuser, especially if you are genetically related to them, has NPD then that raises the chance YOU would have NPD. It doesn't guarantee it, but personality disorders are a mix of trauma and genetics.

Anyone with any disorder can be abusive. People without disorders can be abusive. The majority of abusive people most likely don't have a personality disorder. It's the same as assuming that "all serial killers are schizophrenic" which is something my brother said to me recently. It's the same as believing all criminals are "psychopaths" when that just isn't true.

Anyone with or without disorder or neurodivergency has the ability to abuse and hurt others. A lot of the time, abusers may be just neurotypical. Narcissists aren't more likely to abuse than anyone else. Their disorder does not make them abusive. Any disorder can affect their treatment of someone.

I have dealt with many people who used their depression as a way to abuse me. It does not make it depression or depressive abuse. The disorder is irrelevant, the abuse is not.

If you lump in narcissists with abusers, you are lumping in other people that have been abused and traumatized with their abusers. I have been compared to a rapist, to a child sex offender, to a serial killer for being a narcissist. I have seen people saying to kill every narcissist since it would be better for people. I have been told I am lying about my abuse and actually my abusive ex boyfriend didn't abuse me, *I* abused *HIM.*

Narcissistic abuse does not exist. It is not a different or unique pattern. It is not "different than NPD cause the word narcissist existed before NPD" (when it is heavily associated with NPD and many resources say it is about NPD.) It is not a special type of abuse done by people with NPD. It is bullshit. You don't need "narcissistic abuse" to be able to understand your own abuse. Narcissists are not everywhere and looking to harm you. It keeps you scared and traumatized. It is not healing, it is not helping.

I'm just so upset cause my friend's BF is such a cool dude and I have faith he will learn over time, but it was so triggering. I split so fucking bad. So yes. Here's my rant and the reminder that: Narcissistic abuse is bullshit and just demonizes people with NPD and the mentally ill and people they often claim are narcissists aren't and are just privileged and entitled and shitty people and often have to do with more systemic problems that are normalized and accepted by society rather than, you know, icky mentally ill person.

Oh and btw. If you're gonna fight at all on this, just block me. Either you can listen and learn or not. If you're in the "not" section, just leave. You'll just be blocked anyway. Because I'm not here to have it justified why it's okay to say narcissists are abusive when I am literally a narcissist and this shit has literally worsened me to the point of wanting to die. Fuck off. We are mentally ill people. Some people with NPD being abusive does not make us all abusive. You would never say the same for any other disorder so why say it for us? If you wouldn't say it about autism, depression, OCD, or any other literal mental illness then do NOT say it about us. There are people out there who DO still say that about those disorders. Who DO believe that a disorder makes you inherently abusive. Is that who you want to side with? Cause it's the same fucking logic. Narcissistic abuse is purely pop psychology and popularized by the mainstream rather than even being a real term. Yes, psychologists and other professionals can be wrong and can be ableist too.

I've said my piece. Narcissists and anyone else demonized whether your disorder is widely demonized or not, I love you. A lot of disorders have become more infantilized rather than demonized these days, but there are people out there that still see every mentally ill person as evil. No matter what kind of ableism you face for your disorder, you deserve love and care and support, not to be treated more like an object than a person. And no matter what, no matter how good or bad, You. Deserve. Help. You deserve to be able to have access to help without any bullshit.

[theremina]

Adoption causes way more intergenerational trauma and collective health crises than I think many "kept" people realize.

If you bother to read it, the science is clear: adoption is violently traumatic, causing devastating, irreversible health issues for millions of human beings. Yet I'd have more luck conveying the severity and longevity of my own trauma to most non-adoptees with "I was dropped on my head as a baby."

Heck, I didn't begin to contend with the horrors of my own situation until my mid forties. Being yeeted directly after birth into foster care and eventually adopted by lovely, well-intentioned folks who were not prepared *at all* to help me deal with the lifelong neurodevelopmental disorders and physical health problems directly caused by my abandonment at birth has permanently damaged me. I'm saying so as one of the "lucky ones".

I adore my adoptive family. They're incredible parents. We love each other dearly. This doesn't change the fact, not for one second, that I wouldn't wish adoption on ANYBODY. Thankfully, my folks understand this. I wish more adoptive parents did.

The modern adoption industry* is, by design, deeply misogynistic, racist, transactional, ableist, imperialist, colonial. Ignorance and hate and apathy and coercion and subjugation and dehumanization and capitalism keep the machine running.

We're already seeing the beginning of Baby Scoop Too: Electric Boogaloo on Facebook. On Twitter. On Instagram. On other social media platforms owned and controlled by obscenely wealthy white men who don't consider private adoptions to be unethical.

You may *think* that legalized human trafficking doesn't really effect you, but soon, if the Christofascists continue their cultural blitzkrieg, the amount of infants and children who end up in the foster care system, adopted by unqualified people, in devastating private "rehoming" situations like the one shared above, or worse, is gonna SKYROCKET.

So...I'm barely on Facebook anymore for a few different reasons. One of them is that I couldn't handle watching a whole bunch of ignorant self-proclaimed feminists making shitty adoption jokes after Roe was overturned.

Another reason is that Facebook is LITERALLY A BABY MARKET.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE BUYING AND SELLING CHILDREN ON FACEBOOK. WHAT THE ACTUAL UNFORTUNATE FUCK.

Nearly 100 million American families are in the adoption triad, with a majority of adoptees' needs and voices being considered last instead of first. It's so backwards.

Non-kinship adoption is a systemic violence that cannot help but touch the lives of billions. That is so very, very bad for ALL of us, not just abandoned infants and children or their struggling parents.

Some straightforward response questions for every person who has ever asked me about about my adoption:

Are you a feminist? Are you antiracist? Are you a humanitarian? Anti-ableist? Do you consider yourself lefty, liberal, or otherwise progressive? Do you respect science? Then please reevaluate your perceptions of adoption.

For every adoptive or bio parent you listen to, listen to three or more adoptees. For every shitty adoption "joke" you've ever told, check in with an adoptee (or first mom) in a kind and caring way. For every ignorant question you've ever asked an adoptee about our "real parents", crack a book!

Please. Do some research. Learn. Please. Center transracial adoptees, international adoptees, disabled adoptees, queer adoptees. Please. This stuff impacts all of us just as surely as countless other aspects of systemic rape culture do. Try to understand. Please.

I'm more certain than ever that we must abolish before we can rebuild.

Please give a shit. Please.

*The fact that adoption is an industry at all should shock and horrify us all, and yet... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[image description: a screenshot of a Facebook post with a black border and caption reading, “Welcome to America, where people try to regime adopted children on Facebook Marketplace.” The Facebook post itself reads, “So basically they either want him to come back home, or have CPS place him in a foster home. Or I can find someone willing to take him in, and ‘under the table’ pay them the stipend, we get. If CPS places him they will have to have an open case against me. In doing that I will lose my job. I cannot work at a daycare, school, group home etc. if I have an open active CPS case against me. How the hell do I go about ‘re-homing’ my child? Should I create a post in market place? Through no fault of our own, we are being forced to re-home our thirteen year old son. He can be the most loving, helpful young man. He does suffer some learning difficulties. He comes with a complete wardrobe and a monthly allotment. Only serious inquiries please.” End id]

[who-the-fuck-knows-blog]

holy christ. this fandom is fucking exhausting about mental health and mental illness and abuse. i dont want to directly engage with people saying this stuff because i am pretty sure they wont change their minds or really listen to me, but Ed can be mentally ill and abusive/toxic (<-those aren’t necessarily interchangable but I’m going to be using both in this case).

Ed’s actions can be a result of his trauma, he can hate that he does it, it can be within his own justification a result of previous threats or negativity from others, and they can still be not okay or justified.

The majority of people who have been abusive in my life have been struggling with something. Mental illness, addiction, trauma, all of the above. Trauma and trauma reactions can lead to further abusive behavior.

When you have personality disorders or mental health issues that come with extreme cognitive distortions (everyone has cognitive distortions, but mental illnesses and trauma tend to lead to more extreme examples or more cognitive distortions than you would have otherwise), it can lead to you continuing with dangerous/manipulative behavior in a more unaware manner. Many are aware it is manipulative, though. and I suppose that’s where the distinction can be made between whether or not this is a toxic or abusive relationship. One comes with more of an intent to control, the other is more about mutually lashing out/having disproportionate emotional reactions to situations.

This post, to me, isn’t about determining whether Ed was Abusive or Toxic, but moreso about conversations around abusive behavior. The way it has been described, Ed’s behavior towards Izzy in S2 has been deliberately controlling and manipulative, as Ed has been towards the entire crew in that season. Does it matter if he’s doing it because he is spiralling and wants to push everyone to their breaking point to kill himself vs just to be a dick? Yes, to a degree. It means he likely just needs help and is capable of changing. On the other hand, no. The behavior is terrible and not justifiable, and having mental illnesses that caused it doesn’t make it suddenly not his responsibility.

I guess I’m more annoyed at the overjustification and removing Ed from his own autonomy and responsibility for his behavior than anything. There can be reasons behind why someone does something, and those reasons can be very sympathetic and understandable and make a lot of sense, it just gets to a point where people seem to be using that to excuse the behavior and remove Ed’s agency in the harm he himself has caused deliberately (even if the intention wasn’t to make people miserable but to kill himself, the goal and method through which he did it was to cause emotional and physical damage and torture to ensure this would happen, with little to no care for the wellbeing of the others.)

If people are upset about Ed’s behavior and lack of actual personal accountability for what he’s done, that’s fine. The same way that it’s fine for people to be upset about the emotional harm Izzy has done to Ed.

I know a lot of posts are not super nuanced when it comes to Ed and abusive behavior, I’m not gonna say hes iredeemable, and in fact he’s already ahead of other people who display this behavior in that he realizes he needs to change and puts in an effort to do so. He’s still sympathetic to most folks, and I personally still love him.

I also acknowledge I, like everyone else, am not immune to personal biases and lack of insight and emotional reasoning. Many folks have been having trauma reactions based on the events in the show or have had their trauma triggered or have fallen back on (understandably) emotional responses that are due to trauma. Some people have been applying their personal experiences with people that behave similarly to characters on the show to their analysis and impressions of the characters. I’m not gonna say that’s morally good or bad. It just exists and is unavoidable when you have a ton of people with trauma discussing things. But it can skew perceptions, as trauma does. so it’s just something to be aware of, because it doesn’t feel like you’re being skewed it feels either like you’re being attacked or you are more aware of/closer to/have a better understanding of the emotions and responses of the characters you are projecting onto.

I dunno. maybe I’m full of shit! Who knows! I just wanted to ramble more about this stuff bc it’s very upsetting to me (<-could be a trauma response I am not adequately handling or aware of or acknowledging) to see the way ppl have been defensive of Ed via “he’s not doing it because he wants to do it/live like this, he’s traumatized, he’s mentally ill, and Izzy pushed him into it” because those can be explanations of his actions but not justifications of his actions.

[mx-ryder]

Some thoughts on Hazbin Hotel

I literally just watched HH this week, followed by binging Helluva Boss on YouTube right after. And my Dash is full of HH and HB stuff now. And the other day I saw someone posted their thoughts on the show, including one specific take that it falls right back under the typical "Sinners are bad but hey, we can fix them!" sort of trope. (I really don't know if I'll be able to find the post again, if I do, I'll reblog/link it here or something).

And hey, I'm not gonna argue that it doesn't, per se. I just think there's a bit more to it than that.

c.w for general religious trauma talk, SA mentions, drug use/abuse, alcohol use, addiction, gambling, probably other things I'm not thinking of

(Also please don't feel like you have to read this. It's literally just me rambling because I haven't been able to stop thinking about this topic all fucking day, so I wrote it down to get it out of my head. Obviously if you read it and want to comment/continue the discussion, feel free. Just please. Be respectful.)

Now.

All my thoughts on HH are very much colored by my past experiences with religion, US christianity, specifically. More specifically still, the sort of christianity that makes people believe that "home schooling" their kids, isolating and indoctrinating them away from anyone who might make them question it all, is the best course of action. I grew up bouncing from church to church, from home schooling co-op to co-op, all so my bio-mom could find the exact group to echo her own sentiments back at her.

Among the things I grew up believing were great ideas such as:

Sexuality is inherently disgusting, and something you should always be forcing down/avoiding/punishing yourself about. Masturbation, porn, sex before marriage, dressing "immodestly", and any sexuality outside of heterosexual were inherently evil and worthy of punishment. Sometimes that punishment was being assaulted, because really, she should've covered up, right? Girls, sometimes girls as young as 12-13 (if not younger) were villainized for wearing tank-tops and shorts, because they were causing the boys to stumble and immodesty was a moral failing on their part.

Drugs, alcohol, substances in general, are bad and wrong and using them, or heaven forbid becoming addicted, is a moral failing on your part. You are a bad person for consuming a drug, and therefore deserve to fall into addiction, houselessness, starvation, and/or abuse.

Poor people deserve it. Accepting help of any kind is leeching off good, hard-working people. Your worth as a person is directly tied to your ability to be a "productive member of society."

Any mental health issues are your fault, and are either because you don't believe in jesus hard enough, or because you're inherently broken and sinful and therefore unsaveable. There is no room for sympathy or empathy for anyone struggling.

There's a reason these are the same stereotypical archetypes you see in this sort of show. The queer sex-addict. The gambler. The "weirdo" who isn't like other people and enjoys "weird" things, or enjoys things "too much". Even just the party-girl character. Because these aren't just stereotypes. These are actual entire groups of people who are ostracized and vilified just for being who they were born to be, for making choices christians don't like, or for being sick.

And that brings me to Angel Dust. Who, by the way, I wish I could've been given a content warning about, because holy shit Ep 4 and Addict hit me really fucking hard. My friend recommended the show to me without having watched it, so I went in not expecting that sort of storyline to punch me in the gut out of nowhere.

Anyway! Angel Dust! Literally named after a drug. A gay porn star who flirts shamelessly with anyone and everyone, who proudly shows off his best films to his friends, who secretly hates his job, not because of the sex, as we come to find out, but because he's under the thumb of a fucking psycho who treats him like shit and actively physically, sexually, and mentally/emotionally abuses him. He's basically been trafficked, and hates that he doesn't have any say in what happens to him in front of the camera. It's a horrifying position to be in, and one that left me a little shaken up, tbf.

The take I'm mostly writing this based on is that Hazbin Hotel falls into the trite tropes of "rich white girl attempts to fix people who are below her" and specifically mentioned disappointment in how Charlie didn't try to argue that Angel Dust didn't deserve hell based only on his addiction or sexual past, but that she instead claimed that she could "fix him."

And I just . . . think that's a little bit of a black/white take.

For the first part, what would people rather she do? Put all her time, effort, influence, and power into trying her damnedest to help her people, who are being slaughtered by the thousands every year just because Adam is bored? Or sit at home and use all that time, effort, influence, and power to make rubber duckies like her father? She could just ignore everything going on, call it hopeless, give up, and ignore the suffering of her people. Would that be better? Would that satisfy this weird little "she's just a rich white girl with privilege" gripe?

Charlie is a rich girl. A princess. Someone with huge amounts of privilege, power, influence, etc. But you know what? She's also stuck in hell. She was born there, through no fault or choice of her own, and because of who her parents are, she is trapped in literal hell, with no hope of ever, ever ascending to heaven. She does not get a chance at redemption, because she was born to the wrong people. She is a young woman who was born into horrifying circumstances, living in a world that she frequently expresses disgust for (her frequent discomfort with sexuality, her disgust toward the cannibals, her dislike of violence, even necessary self-defense).

And she still loves her people and wants to see the best in them.

She would be completely justified in hating everything about hell, her life, the people around her, her parents, heaven, everything, really. She has every right to hate her entire existence, but she puts all that hatred for the system into her efforts to fucking do something about it. Why is that a bad thing, just because she was born into a position of power and authority??

And now on to Angel Dust.

Charlie never once makes a judgement call about Angel or his habits, his work, or his personality. She expresses discomfort with the sexual nature of his work (tbh wouldn't be surprised if she's a sex-repulsed ace), but she does not think he's a bad person because of his work. Nor does she think that he needs to stop doing his work in order to become a better/good person. When she tries to get him some time off, she's explicitly doing it because she wants him to have time to decompress and participate in activities at the hotel, not because she wants him doing less of his specific kind of work.

She never condemns his partying, either. She has a bar in her hotel! She defends him partying, right to heaven's face, because she knows everyone present has partied, everyone has enjoyed a drink with friends. There is no condemnation of his partying activities, and I don't think she ever makes it seem as though Angel needs fixing.

What I got out of that episode, watching Charlie passionately defending her friend in front of the worst fucking person in the universe, was that people do not need to be fixed, but some love and support can help them make better choices for themselves. Angel still has a good time. He still has his job (contract, y'know, but would probably be in the industry regardless). The only thing different about that particular night of partying is that he's out with people who care about him, and who he cares about.

Even Cherri, though she expresses some joking disappointment that he's spending so much time worrying about Nifty, doesn't actually seem that put out by it. She teases him a little, but leaves him to do his thing. And his thing is making sure his friend, who is less experienced at partying (and who is significantly smaller/more vulnerable than most other people), is safe and okay. His thing is defending his friends from an extremely dangerous person, at massive risk to his own personal safety.

And he didn't do any of this because he'd been "fixed" or because he'd "changed." He did it because, for possibly the first time ever, he has people around him who love and care for him, and who want the best for him. And who he loves and wants the best for in return. He said himself that he stays out of his mind on substances, allows himself to be drugged and assaulted, puts on this persona of care-free-crack-whore-who-only-thinks-about-sex, because he is trying everything in his power to dull the pain he's in. Because he doesn't believe he deserves any better.

And this, this is what Charlie is trying to show Heaven. She is trying to show them that there is nothing morally damning about alcohol consumption, or even drug use, sex work, or anything that makes Angel who he is. She's trying to show them that, with some love, care, and support, with a safe place to call home, with their base physical and emotional needs being met, people don't need to resort to the sort of destructive behavior heaven/Adam is condemning! People can choose to engage in these behaviors safely, consciously, and with people around them who want them to be safe and have a good time.

Then we get on to the idea that this entire episode ends on. Heaven doesn't know how people get there. They don't know what it takes to be "good enough" for heaven. Sera herself admits that Adam was just "the first soul in heaven," all but admitting that he's just there because he defaulted into it. (Though that does make me wonder, what about Abel? He would have died long before Adam, and considering how long Adam lived, and that there were plenty of other people around by the time he would have died, where were all those souls going??).

And Adam is the fucking worst! He is literally the worst, most selfish, violent, vulgar soul in the entire show, but he is allowed in heaven, for reasons no one even understands.

You know what the difference is between Adam and Angel?

Adam can't be fixed.

His behaviors are all destructive, not to himself, but to others. He insults, abuses, hurts, and kills with abandon. He made this weird, shitty deal with Hell and Lucifer because he wanted to murder innocent souls, because he was bored, and the rest of heaven doesn't even know about it. He has free reign to be an absolute piece of shit to everyone around him, damaging people left and right, and he will never face any sort of justice for it, because hey, he's already in heaven!

But Angel? Angel's behavior is all self-destructive. Again. He gets fucked up to dull his immense pain. He allows himself to be drugged and assaulted because he believes he deserves it. Because he's been told, for who knows how many thousands of years, that he's a whore anyway, so why shouldn't he be free to use for anyone who wants to take him? He has been beaten down, physically, emotionally, sexually, until he's a shell of a person who is struggling to find any reason to continue his shitty existence.

And he hurts only himself.

I mean, okay, he does piss off Husk sometimes, crosses boundaries/etc. But he and Husk pretty clearly fix that between themselves. There's no lasting damage there, and idk if anyone else noticed, but he stops that behavior pretty much entirely after that ep.

Angel is hurting. He is hollow, and hopeless, and trapped. And he does not need to be fixed, nor does Charlie ever attempt to do so.

All she does is reach out a hand, and say, "Hey, I see that you're struggling. This place is fucked up, isn't it? Maybe I can help."

Charlie is a flawed person. She takes her privilege for granted. She feels the immense weight of her choices, and the pressure of having taken responsibility for a people who may never want her help. She messes up, because somehow, she's endlessly cheerful and optimistic, despite her upbringing and the world she grew up in.

Charlie is flawed. But she's trying her fucking best. She isn't trying to fix. She's trying to help.

We all need some help, every now and then, don't we?

[cult-of-the-eye]

How's ur um. Horror. Perchance even in comic form

horror comic rant part 3 electric boogalee:

and folks we are back again, i am answering these during my 5 minute study breaks (love u pomodoro) and it is definitely a contributing factor to keeping me going. i love the way u asked this btw

school bus graveyard:

buckle up people you are in for a RIDE

so this is another female main character who is joining my list of all time favs oh my god i love her

her name's ashlyn (ash) and she is so fucking cool, she does ballet, she keeps her ginger hair in long ass plaits, she is horrifically bendy, she keeps cool under pressure, she struggles to communicate her feelings, she low key hates people, but she trauma bonds with a group of people who somehow become her found family, she's most likely autistic (my own headcanon for her but like you'll see)

i don't think its a romance but they're hinting at one btw ash and this other guy (aiden) and its very black cat x golden retriever vibes

yeah anyway so ash gets put into a study group with like 6 other people who are all so interesting in their own ways

you got tyler and taylor - twins who are fiercely protective and supportive of each other, taylor is super emotionally skilled, she is able to get the group to calm down etc etc, tyler is really very hot headed and not very nice at first but then he gets better

it's revealed that their dad passed away and since then, their mum has been struggling with long term mental health issues and some damage to her memory, where she'll periodically forget that her husband died, so tyler took it upon himself to sort of be the adult and take care of everyone

then you got ben and aiden who are cousins, aiden is fucking insane i love him, he is wildly extroverted but in a low key uncanny way, he's constantly grinning and it's clear from the start that he's some sort of thrill seeker who is pretty much doing things for the plot and has no regard for his own safety or wellbeing (his character makes me froth at the mouth)

(we later find out a bit more about his backstory, hinting at a history of depression and suicidal thoughts, and when he "dies" at one point, his final words are "so that's what it feels like" which is AAAAAAAARGH)

and then we got aiden who doesn't speak, he's kind of a gentle giant, he sticks closely with aiden and he seems really sweet (he's sort of the medic of the group)

we find out that he was bullied in his previous school cause he was really into singing even though he looked like a "tough guy", eventually he was horrifically beaten up and then choked, which damaged his vocal chords, so he stopped speaking cause he didn't like the way his voice sounded

we've also got logan who we don't know much about, we know he's the shy, nerdy sort, he got bullied and forced to do other people's homework, he lives with his grandparents and works at their flower shop but he's also an amazing shot with a gun so like...

(there is plot but i may make that into another post cause this is so long)

once again, thank you so much for indulging me, this has gotten me through my studying lol

[veg-hotwings]

Hawks, Shigaraki and their abuse

I was thinking about Hawks (what a surprise!) and how much people tend to mischaracterise him and minimise the abuse he went through at the HPSC since he was fucking six years old.

He was literally groomed to be a weapon, grew up alone with no friends, forced to use his quirk in an unnatural way (you can't tell me this picture is not disturbing, that this is not abuse), ripped of his own name and identity, guilt tripped into being ashamed because his father was a villain so much he apologised for it like it was his fault, and probably do some pretty dark shit too.

Plenty of people argue that Twice was his first kill, but I doubt it. He desperetely tried to save Jin because he thought he was good and he admired him for it, implying that Hawks doesn't think the same of himself. After all Lady Nagant was his mentor, and she was a sniper. It's said multiple times in the manga he was raised, among other things, to be her successor, so he should have been able to take down high profile villains etc. Let's not forget that he freaking aimed for All for One's head as soon as he flew on the battlefield. He wasn't trying to block him, he was trying to kill him. Killing is engraved in him.

He says "If corrupting myself is enough to put everyone else at ease, then I will gladly take on this job" while mockingly bowing to the HPSC President, like he is resigned to this life, to his role.

At the same time, he fails to recognise he was abused, because he just doesn't know any other way to live. He hasn't known anything else apart from the HPSC and violent parents back in Fukuoka.

He didn't even dream of becoming a hero (he didn't know they were real in the first place!), the HPSC just took advantage (again, isn't this abuse?!) of him saving some people from a car crash to mould him in the perfect asset, the golden hero to embody everything Stein and Dabi hate: something fake, a facade.

A proof of this is his actual wish: doing some good while enjoying life around the 20-30th placing in the hero ranks.

The HPSC played so much with his mind he thinks he wasn't alone in this when he was, when his "not being alone" was just holding a fucking stuffed toy of another abuser. Isn't this just fucked up?

Psychological abuse IS abuse as much as physical abuse is.

All of this IS abuse, I won't accept other opinions on this matter.

Now, to Shigaraki.

I realized he and Hawks have a lot in common.

Plenty of people loathe Shigaraki. That's ok, he's a villain and of course did some pretty bad shit.

At the same time, they seem to forget that hasn't even been Tomura himself for plenty of chapters now. That's not him, it's All for One.

This doesn't justify his previous actions, but it's still an important thing to bare in mind (here for a deeper analysis).

Most of all, I think I've never read anywhere that he was abused in the same way Hawks was. And of course, since people fail to see Hawks' abuse (and he's a hero), understanding the same happened to a villain is just too hard.

(It applies to Dabi too, 'cause yes, there are still people thinking he just threw a tantrum because "DaDdY diDn'T GiVe Me AtTeNtiOn!!11!1!". That's concerning, honestly, but I'm not going to talk about him now).

Tenko grew up in a household that hated heroes because his father believed Nana abandoned him. He already had health issues, which piled up with the frustration and fear he felt towards his father, who couldn't accept his dream of becoming a hero, of his grandparents ignoring the fact he was beaten for this, and his mother and older sister who failed to protect him.

When he unleashed his quirk for the first time he was terrified and calm at the same time, but it was such a traumatic experience his mind just closed up on itself and made him forget about it (a typical trauma response).

Then, while roaming alone, ignored by everybody while pleading for anybody to help him, he was found by fucking All for One because life is just that fair, who exploited his fear and anger to mould him in the perfect weapon to use against All Might and the hero society.

Do you see the resemblace? He was ripped from his name and groomed by AfO after escaping somehow a violent household the same way Hawks was ripped from his name and groomed by the HPSC after escaping a violent household, just with a different objctive.

Cherry on top, when he finally got the power to destroy everything he loathed, to give his companions what they wanted too, AfO took over his mind. I'll say it again: isn't it just fucked up?!

Tomura is unable to free himself from his grip yet the same way the HPSC teachings are so engraved in Hawks he believed killing can be accepted if it's for a superior cause, that he believes he is responsible for his father's crimes.

I really really hope Horikoshi will grace these two with some justice.

I hope that Hawks will finally realise what his life really was and get some peace and rest, and that Tomura will free himself from AfO's grip and reunite with his friends before or after the end.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[doberbutts]

I just saw your post about how testosterone has helped your disability tremendously, which if I remember correctly is hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (but maybe I’m wrong). I’m agender and have been considering early menopause to help with my abundance of menstrual health issues, but if t helped your hEDS too that makes me really want to consider it further. If this is too private you absolutely don’t have to answer it but I’d love to know more as a fellow disabled person.

It's POTS actually :) though POTS is highly comorbid with hEDS and I *am* hypermobile, to a degree that I made my physical therapist wince with how easily I can assume positions that should noooooot be possible without pain when I was in recovery due to my car accident. She actually asked me if I have EDS and I said well I have POTS so... not officially but is it possible sure I guess.

So no, I do not have hEDS. But also yes I might have hEDS. Schroedinger's diagnosis.

No, testosterone helped my POTS symptoms disappear to almost nothing. This is at least partially because POTS does not get along with estrogen ans menstrual cycles, and taking testosterone lowered the estrogen in my body and also stopped my menstural cycle. Don't get me wrong, I still have some symptoms, but they are dramatically improved. I can do all sorts of things I used to not be able to.

There is... a bit of debate whether I have POTS at all. But I do have MCAS and, as said, I'm hypermobile, so very likely yes POTS is very likely. But with my NCAH diagnosis, it's equally possible that I *do not* have POTS, because NCAH also causes weird changes to your vasovagal response and your autonomic nervous system. In other words, do I have POTS AND NCAH... or do I just have NCAH?

Personally I don't really care because adding testosterone fixed the symptoms way better than anything the POTS meds were doing so w/e, if it works it works.

It's "makes you intersex and sometimes gay disease but also you faint a lot and your body *really* sucks at handling stress disease". To be fair the classic form of CAH can just outright kill you if not well controlled. Nonclassic CAH by comparison sometimes still tries really hard but is less likely to do more than give you some serious medical trauma.

So like. Am I fainting because my body doesn't know how to handle stress which triggers a response of my autonomic nerve and because my adrenal glands are too busy making androgens to give me some fucking cortisol to communicate with my autonomic nerve, the thing guesses wrong and I hit the ground as my body attempts the biology version of "have you turned it off and then back on again"? Or am I the unluckiest fucker on the planet and I have two annoyingly underdiagnosed but much more common than we thought disorders which both hate estrogen and make me faint a lot?

Or, bonus, since POTS joins PCOS in the "disorder named for a symptom that's not even diagnostuc criteria and no one actually knows what causes it" family, is what we're calling "POTS" actually a group of symptoms that has a wide range of causes and my cause for my own symptoms IS NCAH? Who knows 🤷‍♂️

[bentosandbox]

better late than never amirite

i think i haven't posted july (cause I thought global would have released TBC by now...) or october (commission) on here/twitter hopefully i remember to sometime this year

bonus chen edition because well i guess she is my cringefail girlboss blorbo

bonus chenswire edition

bonus bonus extremely boring stuff

films i watched in 2022 (tragedy of macbeth out of picture because it was on the next row)

top 10 (in watched order not a 1-10 ranking)

Marketa Lazarova (1967) Friend was streaming it, liked the script so much I asked my friend for the srt file after Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) Rocks Petite Maman (2021) Personal Attack Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) :) My Life as a Zucchini (2016) Celine Sciamma truly don't miss Saturday Fiction (2019) It's not a 5/5 movie but...the soul... the period noir... Nope (2022) The Spectacle dot jpg Hands Over The City (1963) yes i watched this just before il siracusano Decision To Leave (2022) yuriyaoi straight romance can't elaborate Puss In Boots (2022) i'm so glad i didn't watch this as a kid i would have nightmares, but as an adult i got to see my traumas on the big screen yippee!!!

missed a local screening of My Broken Mariko because it only happened for ONE DAY fucking insane (I recommend reading the original manga it's so good)

Speaking of books hmm

Swordspoint yuriyaoi... Invisible Ink reread. and I think I need to reread again Fire & Blood read it after watching hotd ep 1 pretty good series btw dare i say even ...the best on-screen yaoiyuri of the year... Eagle Shooting/Condor Heroes Book 1 Not bad Water Margin Didn't I write a angry rant on this. rite of passage i guess...... How to Keep House While Drowning its funny because i WILL do chores......still good though What My Bones Know - insane how trauma can be so isolating yet universal lol A Wizard of Earthsea if only i read this instead of harry potter back then lmao wow

you can now basically psychoanalyse my issues from the last three books I think

Uhhhhhhh what else am I missing - oh yeah I did 3 gamejams this year (Art/Design and a liiiiiitle bit of trying to do the UI in Unity myself instead of giving the pngs to my friends)

my abysmal steam stats told me i only played 5 games this year so I need to get back my gamer license, backlog is like 75% VNs though what's up with that (there's only 4 games but. well)

had a really long blogpost (basically a 'look at all the things you did this year you didnt waste it' thing thus the above lists) but i think i'll just keep it to my notion notes lest this post becomes a traumadumping ground ecks dee tl;dr failed a Very Important (to me) Thing early 2022 that kind of shattered any crumb of self-esteem i had and made me question everything i did onwards (especially in regards to doujin stuff) and then basically physical health issues affecting mental health and vice versa which is fun but fuck it we ball.....(try)

don't really have any solid 'resolutions' (that i would remember to do) other than to 'live' more than just 'survive' as edgy as that sounds 🥴oh wait oc zine yea yea and go into illustration full time h-haha........... should really get around to making a patreon/fanbox but i really hate the idea of paywalling

also signed up for a AK doujin event in Nagoya in March so I now have a very heavy motivation to finish the second half of my LGD doujin and hopefully I get to table at AX too dot dot dot

[alyjojo]

February 🌠 2024 Monthly - Pisces

Preshuffle: Something from the past is on your mind, could be the way something has gone, it’s not how you wish it could’ve gone, you’re left dissatisfied and unhappy. Because of this restlessness & discontent, you’re ending whatever is connected to this and starting over in another direction.

Meditation: You were a fish, swimming erratically in front of me. Left, right, up, down, circles, never in a pattern, never making much sense. You then had a Dory moment 😆 where you turned around, looked me dead in the eye and said STOP FOLLOWING ME! Then it all made sense, but my intentions were harmless. I thought you knew. There could be a miscommunication with something that makes you feel defensive (or watched?).

Main energy: 9 Swords

This is a card of rumination, intense stress and worry, which is something that can happen as a trauma response, 5 Pentacles & The Tower clarify, and 10 Swords is the first card out. Trauma. Everyone has fears & worries, and then there’s this level of fear, it’s beyond normal levels of anxiety. Where you are on the scale of “it’s some stress I have to deal with” or “I’m fucking traumatized” will differ for all of you. Some of you may start taking action towards counseling, learning about & prioritizing your own mental health, and things that are or have affected you negatively. You may have dealt with a sudden loss, betrayal, 10 Swords in the back, and what’s left is…anxiety, fear, abandonment issues - which I hate that phrase because “issues” sounds so demoralizing. You’re either replaying painful situations in your mind over and over again - a trauma response, or you’re terrified something is going to happen (again?) that puts you into this place. You can’t trust yourself or others around you, 5 Wands at the bottom shows conflict, competition, you feel like others are out to get you, along with inner conflict. STOP FOLLOWING ME! It’s possible someone has lost a job unexpectedly, or some financial disaster has occurred, and all of this is regarding finances, debt, struggling to pull it together, to pay bills, or whatever this is, it was unexpected and you’re panicking. Some of you are having problems sleeping, because of the song that came on as I started this. If not sleep, mental rest. Calm. Peace. It’s hard to come by.

What’s going on in February:

10 Swords:

A very painful ending, often in betrayal, if this guy saw it coming then the swords would be in his chest, but they’re not. King of Swords could be someone that’s done this you, possibly an air sign, or he can be an ex of any sign - just emotionally disconnected. The High Priestess in this case seems to be communication that’s gone silent, silent treatment, making plans or taking actions behind your back maybe, in regards to 10 Pentacles, which is your solid foundation no matter which it is - work or love. You feel this is built out of bricks, on solid ground, you’re safe, but it turns out it was sand and everything has given way. Swords in the back, the end. It could be a boss, someone you work/ed with, someone in your family, or someone you built a family with. Some of you may be this King, needing to separate yourselves emotionally from someone or something that’s caused you pain, and the act of having to do that at all is also painful, like why can’t people just fucking act right? 💜

Knight of Cups:

Pisces energy, this feels like you. Knight of Cups is soft, kind, a little naive and in love with love, he takes action towards the things he cares about, sees the best sides of everyone and the glass as half full, because he fills it up himself, to offer someone else. Over idealistic, yes, but refreshing nonetheless. 4 Cups clarifies, which is the energy from the preshuffle. Something has taken forever, you’ve invested who knows how long into something or someone, over and over again, chance after chance after chance. King of Cups at the bottom could show years, you’ve grown a lot. Or this is a situation that will push you towards growth, seeing what’s been unconscious because *idealism*. Some of you may have been holding back feelings for years, like biting your tongue. Say Uncle Howard is a fkn racist and you just put your head down and have waited for him to shut up, but you just can’t do it anymore. Or you’ve worked for a company for years and they decide to lay off the whole department. Could be love too, being Cups. You’re disappointed in yourself, how much you gave & how little was received from whatever this was.

7 Pentacles:

This card is literally putting in effort, in farming terms you’ve worked an entire field for months, planted all of your seeds, and now it’s just time to wait…will it grow? This is regarding a connection, 2 Cups is romantic love, or it can be a deep connection with someone. Family. If this is someone at work, you felt like you had something solid with them, they were “your guy”, trust was established. Maybe they held back though, and you didn’t see it or feel it, because there’s an energy of you kicking yourself, “I should have known”. There’s definitely a severing of ties, releasing yourself from something that isn’t giving you what you’re giving. Some of you are waiting or have waited to see which road you’re going down. Is there 2 Cups here? Or is it time to go? Either way I saw a new beginning for you.

Knight of Swords:

Someone is speaking some truths that cut right to the heart of the matter, cutting though bs, I’m not sure who exactly, but there is an apology coming in about confusion surrounding real potential, a lack of money, a lack of a job or equal effort. There are a lot of options, but it’s hard to cut through the smoke & mirrors and figure out which opportunity is real and what’s just fancy bullshit with spray paint 🎨 There are so many scams nowadays, especially if job hunting is included in this story. You may get a severance package but you’re not sure if it’s enough to live on, again you’re freaking out about this. If a relationship, because of 10 Swords, you may have been with/working with someone who entertained all sorts of people with nonsense and left you wondering about their motives, feelings, and plans, in which case you’re this Knight of Swords cutting through their bs. It’s possible that a contract is being broken, and having to pay a good deal of money with that is an issue.

8 Pentacles rev:

Not working on a relationship, a literal job, there’s no progress, and there could be a lack of effort too - if that’s the case then you’re being called out for it, or the one calling out, some of you are unable to move forward until something happens. An interview or opportunity. Someone gets their shit out of your house. Being able to pay something off because right now you can’t. Filing for unemployment. If it’s possible to make things progress, you need to try, don’t just give up. Some won’t have a choice but to deal with delays, unable to move forward until something comes in. The Magician rev & The Devil at the bottom, you could feel like you’ve been literally tricked by The Devil, or in someone’s case, you could be fooling yourself into staying stuck to something that’s toxic. But with no progress there’s no healing, you just stay stuck, ruminating, worrying, obsessively thinking - 9 Swords. Once you’re in this Fool energy, moving into something new, this won’t be the same anymore. Divine timing is very important here, but things are working out how they’re supposed to. You’re in the thick of battling The Devil, but it leads to a new beginning, have faith you will know what you need when you need it, and not before, there’s also a lack of control being shown - that’s The Devil. Some things are out of your hands, you can only do what you can, just focus on that.

As I was putting away cards, like they do sometimes, I got a final message that when change happens, it’s going to be fast. Probably not this month, and divine timing is at play, but *something* is at play. You’ll be inspired in some way, and things move fast.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Heavy Gemini & Virgo, Scorpio, Taurus & Cancer

Oracle: ✨

30 Divine Timing ⏱

How often do you feel that you want things in your life to change NOW? Not two years from not, not even two months, but: Right. This. Instant! Seldom do we see the whole picture of why our lives are unfolding the way they are. We don’t need to. What we need to do is surrender to the way things are right now. This doesn’t mean to not take action when a situation is untenable. What it means is to let your life unfold before you so that you have access to all the information, all the lessons, and all the people you will need to go where you are headed. Divine timing is at work in this situation. Try not to fight it. Instead go within during meditation and ask the questions you want answers to: “why not now?” “how can I best prepare myself?” “what lessons do I need to learn prior to the change I want to see?” You will get answers.

We enter into February as:

Gold Coins 💰

“I only seek to give you what you ask for.”

Gold Coins gently asks you to look at your relationship with money. Money doesn’t care where it goes. It naturally goes toward appreciation and gratitude. What we do with our own abundance makes the difference. Are you blaming something on money? Are you running from it? Be wary of using your financial situation as an excuse to avoid doing something you love to do. Are you questioning a relationship or career that is hitting a rocky time? It may be time to look for the good in it. Remember there are two sides to every coin. What you desire may currently be manifesting. Great riches are waiting for you to use them. You can ask the universe for riches or poverty, the universe doesn’t care, only you can change your inner experience. “Things” only hold value when we think they do. If there were no money, it didn’t exist, what else would you do? What else would you focus on?

What is to be learned in February:

She Shaman 🧝🏾‍♀️

“I will guide you to your muse.”

She Shaman whispers to you “Do not be like the old birch and wait for anyone else to tell you of your muse. Connect with it!” This is your destiny calling. The path you have chosen is an artistic one. The universe is waiting for you to begin your dance and express your love in a tangible art form. The time is now, the moment has arrived, it is a time for decisions to be made. Dance! Rejoice! Do not seek council outside of yourself to confirm what you know to be true inside. Do not wait for permission to act. You must trust your instinct and act from the voice within. Let go of any need for approval, your answers are within. You will not be alone, Spirit is with you.

Maroon/Wine may be a lucky color ❤️💜

[angelasscribbles]

About that Tumblr Bullying

I know I said I was going to do a whole call out post about the bullying that happened to me. Complete with receipts. But a funny thing happened after I posted my little preview post yesterday. My DM’s blew the fuck up with people reaching out to me with, support yes but also, and unfortunately, their own stories of having been bullied. Like a lot of people.

That got me thinking, what happened to me is a drop in the bucket. This problem is much more prevalent than I ever would have thought and that is so disappointing and unfortunate. This is supposed to be fun. Grown adults are not supposed to act this way.

A hate post was made about me, and I was, in fact, clueless to its existence until my little anon friend gave me the heads up. A move that seemed desperate for my attention. I have decided not to give it to them. I have decided that they don’t get any more of my time, attention or energy.

I want to focus, instead, on those being bullied. Because this issue is way larger than just me. I can handle it. I have been through some shit in my life and come through it with flying colors. A little Tumblr hate isn’t about to break me. But I know not everyone has the same level of resilience, not everyone is in a good place, not everyone has a good support system filled with loving, supportive people. I know there are people out there struggling with depression, anxiety, grief, stress, and worse. I know there are people for whom toxic internet bullying could cause a major mental health crisis, or set off a depressive episode or hell, even just seriously mess with their self esteem. My inbox is full of stories of writers doubting themselves, their writing, their worth as a human being because of the atrocious things said to them (way worse than what was said about me).

I  want to do a couple of things here. The first is simply to let each and every one of you know that you are worthy. I know my platform isn’t that large, I’m no one special, but to those this does reach, I want to tell you that you do matter! You are worthwhile!

Secondly, I’d like to remind you that you own no one anything, not your time, not your attention, not a response to their messages, not an acknowledgement of their complaints (real or imagined). Literally, nothing.

My advice?

Surround yourself with positive people. Block the negative ones. You lose nothing by cutting toxic people out. Out of your Tumblr feed, out of your Facebook feed or even out of your real life. Sometimes, blocking and moving on with your life is self-care. There are people who thrive on drama and negativity. They can’t live without it, they feed on it. Don’t feed them. Cut off their access to you. Save your energy for those that make you smile, those that see the beauty in you (even when you don’t see it yourself).

When you have the energy/spoons for it, pay it forward every chance you get. Give compliments, prop up other people. You never know when that compliment might be the thing that turns an otherwise dull day into a bright one. And bonus, you’ll feel good about it too! I believe that what we put out in the universe comes back to us. So, send positivity out there every chance you get.

Engage in aggressive self-care. Block out time for yourself. Do the things that you enjoy, eat the foods that you love, allow yourself time to watch that TV show that makes you happy, even if the laundry isn’t done. Take a hot bath, go for a long walk (if you’re able), draw, write, paint, do whatever it is that feeds your soul. And don’t apologize for it, or feel guilty for doing it. Your happiness counts. You count!

If you are struggling, please reach out to someone, talk, tell someone. Don’t keep it all inside, let it out. I know that can be hard sometimes, but it’s crucial for healing. And let’s face it, most of us have unresolved trauma of some sort or another.

The last thing I want to do here is give a little practical advice. I want to offer some tips for how to lock down your account to better protect yourself against being blindsided by anon hate. Here they are:

This is the most obvious one. Turn off anonymous asks. To do this, go to “Account” (little gear icon in upper right hand corner on mobile) and scroll down to “Allow anonymous asks” and toggle it off. <- I did this, because I had witnessed others getting anon hate. I thought it was enough. It wasn’t. Someone determined to stalk, bully and harass you will find another way. So keep reading.

Take away the ability for an anonymous, fake, blog to message you. Yes, you can make it so that only blogs you follow can DM you. To do this, go to “Account” and click on “Account settings” then click on “Messaging”, here you can choose who can message you, pick “only Tumblrs you follow can message”. <- Wish I had known that sooner. Never occurred to me that someone would make an entire fake blog just to send me hate.

Next, if you want, you can limit who may comment on your posts. Go to “Account” then to “Account settings” and click on “Replies” choose “only Tumblrs you follow can reply” <- This is tricky for me, because the whole point of Tumblr is interacting with new people/content. But if you are being stalked, harassed and/or bullied, I would recommend taking this extra step.

This is just a privacy issue, but if you don’t want others to know when you’re active, go to “Account” then “Account Settings” and click on “Privacy”. You can toggle to turn off “Let others see that you’re active”<- Not really going to keep anyone from bullying you, but if you have anxiety about people being mad if you don’t respond when they can see that you are active, then it’s a good thing to deactivate.

If you’ve taken the above steps, then you are safe from anon hate in your asks, your inbox and the comment sections of your posts. <- someone can still create a fake blog and make a nasty comment in a reblog of your post, but at least they have to show their nastiness publicly.   

If anyone has more tips that I’ve missed, please respond with a comment or reblog and let us all know!

I’m going to leave you with this little gem. No Time for Toxic People by Imagine Dragons. Lyrics are under the cut.

Lyrics:

The way they look at me, I know exactly What they talk about when I'm not around Got no time for that, as a matter of fact Every day's my birthday, oh, I hope you heard me

Take a look outside, it's a beautiful day, yeah Yeah, it's a beautiful day, yeah I'm gonna keep it that way, that way, ayy Take a real good look, it's a beautiful day, yeah Yeah, it's a beautiful day, yeah I'm gonna keep it that way, that way, ayy

So spend your hours on what you think I've done wrong I know I'm in your mind, I've been here way too long I want to spend my life with those who's done me right Your heart is frozen over, I'm a four-leaf clover

Take a look outside, it's a beautiful day, yeah Yeah, it's a beautiful day, yeah I'm gonna keep it that way, that way, ayy Take a real good look, it's a beautiful day, yeah Yeah, it's a beautiful day, yeah I'm gonna keep it that way, that way, ayy

Do-do, do-do-do, no time for toxic people Do-do, do-do-do, no time for that, I Do-do, do-do-do, no time for toxic people I, I've got no time for toxic people

Move along, move along, move along, go Let me go to the clouds below 'Cause they're callin' me up to higher ground What a teacup sound, even mighty drown, oh

Take a look outside, it's a beautiful day, yeah Yeah, it's a beautiful day, yeah I'm gonna keep it that way, that way, ayy Take a real good look, it's a beautiful day, yeah Yeah, it's a beautiful day, yeah I'm gonna keep it that way, that way, ayy

Do-do, do-do-do, no time for toxic people Do-do, do-do-do, no time for that, I Do-do, do-do-do, no time for toxic people I, I've got no time for toxic people

[weaselle]

“i wish i got abused by my parents instead of them wanting the best for me. then i could blame THEM for all my issues TO THEIR FACES MWAHAHAHA instead of just behind their backs on tumblr :( sighh i wish i could say I HATE U GRRRR outloud instead of in my heart :( nooo i wish i had endured violence instead ahrrrgg“

this is a great time to talk about how i handle hate messages

the first thing i want to do here, is i want to extend some sympathy and understanding, and really assume the best about this person, after all, who among us hasn't needed that

so maybe this person was actually physically abused by their parents, and that would be a reason to have a strong reaction to my post, strong enough to make it hard to see what i was trying to communicate, strong enough to be mad at me. And maybe this person is young or has their own mental health issues, which could be a reason they would attack a stranger on the internet like this. Maybe they are simply having the worst day, and this is not an example of their best selves.

So let us assume this human being is lashing out for easy to understand reasons, like from their own pain. An abused person skimming through my post might understandably write this message in response. A young, or incredibly angry, or socially impaired person might hit send on it.

Maybe they were orphaned also, and think i should feel lucky i had real family to adopt me -- they would be right. And i do feel lucky. I have been extraordinarily lucky in that regard.

perhaps they feel wishing that i had been physically abused is an incredibly bad take -- which is very understandable! i would generally agree that as a hot take, that's not great, though wishing emotional damage was physical damage is a fairly normal response to a lot of kinds of emotional trauma actually. Sometimes people even get a disorder that makes them try to transmute their emotional pain to physical pain by hurting themselves. But, yes, saying "i wish i was physically abused by my parents" is insensitive and maybe even antagonistic to say, when one by no means wishes to trivialize the very serious damage physical abuse incurs, both to a person's body and their inner personhood.

Which is why wishing i was physically abused is something i absolutely did not say, because i do not wish that.

What i said was, my adoptive parents messed me up despite being good people who were trying their best, and i sometimes wish my parents' mistreatment of me was purposeful and over-the-top like a fairy-tale, so that i might feel clear anger instead of confused pain. I cited two examples, Matilda and Cinderella, neither of which feature physical abuse.

See, every time i try to undo the knots they tied me up with inside, i can't get around feeling a huge amount of guilt about admitting they damaged me when i know they never meant to and i know how lucky i am, and facing how fucked i am from my childhood feels like being a horrible ungrateful person, but the fact remains that my childhood did fuck me up, and it's confusing and difficult to process.

but there is no point discussing these things with the person who sent this message, because there is no possible purpose in this message beyond causing me pain for their own catharsis. See? There is no call to action, no hanging question, no attempt to recognize the depth of another person's experience, no good faith interaction. It is exactly the same as if they yelled "fuck you!" and left. There is no engagement, this is entirely about them and not me.

Therefore i am not responding to it directly in any particular fashion, merely using it to demonstrate one way to mentally handle receiving this kind of hateful, hurtful message.

I hope this person is well. I hope this person is not deeply haunted by sending this message the way i get when i grow enough as a person to realize my mistakes

i note that they say "TO THEIR FACES MWAHAHAHA instead of just behind their backs on tumblr" while on tumblr using the anon feature, and that strikes me as ironic and humorous.

Humor is a great way to distance yourself from painful emotional reactions to mean messages.

i resist the urge to yell in detail about the real trauma i've suffered in my life, because, again, they don't care about my experiences, they aren't trying to open any kind of dialogue. And i already over-share on here, i don't need to do it angrily!

They are simply lashing out, probably because they are in some kind of pain, past or present. And in many many ways i have, in fact, been very fortunate, and perhaps they have been much less so.

i wish them a better future, full of growth and healing.

because I am also trying to grow and heal. And even if you feel things you are not proud of, it is important to admit to feeling them, and to work on that.

For example, when my mother sent me away to live with her sister, and then was killed a couple years later, I resolved that i would "never let her death be an excuse or a reason for anything negative in my life" because i felt it would make me a worse person to do that, and it would tarnish my love for her.

But the fact is, things like abandonment, and resentment, and anger, and a struggle to see any selfworth... these things do not stop existing just because you refuse to acknowledge them. Actually, refusing to acknowledge them can make them much worse.

So if this was sent by a person who was physically abused but has a similar notion of not letting it be an excuse for anything, i hope they are able to find a more nuanced approach that allows more complete healing, because they are a human being, and deserve peace and wellness.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

im angry. I'm purely angry. My mom is finally listening about doctor stuff and why I hate doctors so much and instantly she turns my goal of my health into being able to sleep at a "normal" time (waking up in the morning and being awake through the day) and being able to go for walks, be active, and go outside. And I fucking hate it.

★(small sa mention, one line of it. suicidal thoughts and self harm mentions.)★

I don't care if I can never walk normally again. If I will always need mobility aids or only be able to walk/stand for short periods. Yes, I enjoy a ton of exercise and dancing with my whole body and having an active life, but if I never can again, I have accepted that.

I don't care about going outside. That is agoraphobia, fear of people, and extreme paranoia and delusions wrapped into one. I feel constantly watched, unable to be outside of the car or the house without extreme anxiety, fear, and having to talk myself through it when I had to go collect the main. I am okay with not being able to go outside. I still would love to go and sit out back, but my parents bought chairs that I can't sit in which is why I haven't sat out back since we were at our last place and first moved in, a fucking year ago. There's physical issues to it too, but it is mostly mental stuff that I'm fine living with.

I don't care about a "normal" sleep schedule. As long as I can get 6-10 hours of sleep a night, I'm fine and functional. I have pain, I have untreated ADHD, I have bad mental problems, I have delusions, I have flashbacks, I have breakdowns, I have paranoia, I was fucking assaulted in my sleep, I may have sleep apnea. We can fix as much as we possibly can, but I am entirely fine if my sleep schedule will never be routine. Oh yeah, plus my period messes up my sleep schedule too.

I don't care about being the most perfectly healthy active person. I don't care if I'm unable to do things that I could before. If I'm fat the rest of my life, that's fucking fine with me. I refuse to go back to obsessively needing to control my health because of a mix of ocd and ocpd and npd that results in an obsessive need to be perfectly healthy at all times. I am not going back to that cycle. My mental health is too fragile and so long as the mental health system and psychiatry system is broken in America, I do not give a fucking shit. I cope well, I am happy where I am, I am content. All I want is the constant pain to end, to be able to have relief and supports. I got ankle supports and cried over how long I have fucking suffered with joints that feel like 3D Mario game ice physics. I cried about how much I was actually at a disadvantage without knowing it while pushing myself to be "normal" and as good as others because I believed I was just not pushing through it like everyone else.

I do not care about living a happy "normal" life. Even if all of my physical issues could magically be fixed (they can't, I'm fairly certain I will always have these issues), I have severe mental problems that will never fucking change. From who I am and how my autism is to the severe trauma and personality disorders I have. AND THE FACT MY MENTAL ISSUES CAUSE ME PHYSICAL PAIN, FATIGUE, AND MINOR SICKNESS INCLUDING PHANTOM FEVERS!!!!!

But I accept that my pain may be something I live with. All I want is to receive actual help for it instead of constantly worsening it by having 0 support. A shower seat, movable shower head, mobility aids, actual fucking accommodations. My goal is to never be perfect abled and neurotypical or to function as such. My goal is never to be as perfectly healthy as I can be. Because with who I am, that will just worsen me to try to achieve that. And that's fucking okay. I am allowed to be unhealthy.

As long as I am not suffering every second of the day and considering death to be better yet unable to go through with it because I don't want to die while my parents are a part of my life then I am fine. I am happy. Even in bad pain days, the feeling of caring for myself and having things to rely on to relieve the pain makes me feel good about myself. I have lived without those for so long. This is all I desire. To relieve as much of the pain as I can so I can feel alive.

But I am aware I may be fat the rest of my life. I could also lose weight, I've fluctuated weight most of my life. I am fine having mobility issues and requiring help for those for the rest of my life. I do not care to be perfectly abled, I just don't want to suffer every single day with 0 help or accommodations while being blamed for it all as if it's a fucking moral failing and to be able to actually understand what the fuck is going on with my body. I'm fine if I'm unhealthy the rest of my life. I just don't want to have to cry over how sick I feel or how bad the pain is and consider death a better option because I have no help and have felt like I'm losing a race my entire life because no one else seemed to be suffering. That's all I fucking want.

I'm sick of my parents' dumbass health shit. I'm sick of them being fatphobic while they're extremely healthy and I'm fat and neglected and struggled so much more than they have because they will do anything for their own health, but won't do shit for me when they're the ones that I have to rely on. I'm sick of my mother pushing these "normal" goals because she wants me to be functional. Fuck. That. Bullshit.

I want help for my pain. I want to be diagnosed and get the help I can. I want accommodations and supports and mobility aids so I can experience as little pain as possible. It's so bad nearly every day. And wearing those ankle supports only made it all the more real that Yes, I Am Fucking Suffering!!! And yes, I need help. And I'm tired of being hyper independent and being neglected and being ignored while I see my parents handle every tiny thing wrong with their bodies when I've lived with this shit my entire life. It hurts. It hurts so much. And I hate that even with them FINALLY trying to find me doctors and get help, they still push fatphobia and healthy bullshit onto me. As if I need to be the optimal health. I don't know if it's possible and I'm not sinking back into the obsessive tendencies I've had since I was young. I was miserable and hated myself, blamed myself for everything. I will NOT go back to that.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

lampard life update

just got the sweetest message from a Very Experienced Social worker i worked with. censoring things that identify the specific place i worked, and my name bc i fucking HATE my name and would rather pretend it didn't exist:

basically this is the kind of feedback i've been getting for the past almost 24 hours--my phone's been blowing up between coworkers and people who work for the City Government (TM). i talked shit on the phone with said Dana this morning (who is...amazing and this very passionate jewish lady who totally plays into my Mommy Issues and she wants to meet me for coffee) and she said she'd act as a reference and gave me some interesting job tips. mind you, i've only known these people since october.

-as i said to protect daniel james i've applied to more jobs in the past 12 hours than frank lampard has applied to in the past 7 months! people are like "you should rest and relax" and like yeah, but i'm not young enough to be on my parents' health insurance anymore and as marieke said, being unemployed in america is scary. being close to broke in nyc is terrifying! i'm stressed as fuck but also never have to enter that trauma pit with the Evil Boss again?

-i was crying last night not even because of me but because of thinking of all the people i work with and support who i didn't get to say goodbye to and i don't know what they will do without my support cause i have no idea who tf will replace me. and whoever does, isn't going to know the context of how to help these people. i literally called some people of my own volition today--i still have access to the city databases that i use--and will have some more calls monday. i cared. i fucking loved my job in terms of the actual duties and responsibilities, and i was GOOD at it when i wasn't being traumatized by, as my New Job Work Bestie said on the phone last night, "a stupid evil cunt." if the shoe fits lol. like literally there are people whose timesheets i sign on fridays and i have no idea who the fuck else can sign them and how will they get paid!!!!! i was frantically texting them at like 11 last night because fuck! that's not fucking right if people don't get paid bc of this evil woman!

-people are advising me to lawyer up and lawyer parents are looking into it. they messed with the wrong bitch! the reason why i am possibly pursuing this is because at the time of my termination~ i had already opened the process of an ADA (americans with disabilities act) accommodation request, feat. a letter from my psychiatrist discussing my PTSD, which is not like. A fun thing to discuss multiple times with multiple people at work, and yet i did. Because i wanted to try to make it work, and all i fucking asked for was to be moved to another job location. My job has around 50 locations. In no universe is that a difficult request, plus, i was asking for a like secondary thing instead which was--fucking staff the vacant position at my job so i was no longer one person doing a two person job.and WEIRDLY, on wednesday i was just told that i WAS getting another person--on monday! she's someone i vaguely know, and we had an amazing zoom talk yesterday afternoon--so like. wtf? the famous dana (see above) said that at the least we could bully them into a better severance package if they were afraid i would sue. The place i worked at is Very Behated in new york and the media thrives on the place getting negative attention.

-another option that occured to me is that i was fired by Evil Boss because she thought i was going to rat her out about things she is doing that are unethical and probably illegal. (i know this sounds dramatic but i won't go into job details in public for various reasons--i already revealed too much in the screenshot!) i was not going to do that, but also i wasn't DEFENDING her and saying what she was doing was okay, and that came to her attention yesterday and she went the fuck off on me. she told me i had to tell the famous dana NOT to inform people that their rights were being violated, and i'm like---I cannot tell someone what to say and not to say, and that would be a REALLY SHADY THING TO SAY? so this bitch probably got spooked. Who even knows what happened but this is clearly one of the most unjust sackings in history 😂 maybe they will hire mourinho to take over my position

-how did i make such a positive impact on 7914433 people while having the most horrific trauma episode since before i started taking meds? damn. i guess i put my whole longeyelashedtragedussy into making connections and truly enjoying them