#every relationship ive been in. the other person has shut me out. avoidance or forgetfulness or attempts at isolation.... im not sure why

[calamarispider]

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[feathcrcd]

‘ deniz can aktas, cis man, he/him, 30 / 300 , half fae / half illyrian ’ ― cauldron save you. it seems ELDAR DRAVEN has been teleported to the dusk court, the LORD from NIGHT COURT is said to be ALLURING and is said to describe themselves with A PERMANENT LOOPSIDED GRIN TO DOWNPLAY ANY SITUATION HE'S STUMBLED IN, ESCAPING RESPONSIBILITIES IN THE SHADOWS OF HIS SIBLINGS, DRAGGING YOUR TEETH AGAINST A LOVERS NECK CONTEMPLATING WHETHER TO KISS OR BITE and with all of this in mind their IMPRUDENT nature always seems to get them into trouble. may the mother hold them as they navigate this unthinkable time.

basics

birth name : eldar draven. nicknames : n/a. title(s) : lord of the night court, illyrian warrior. species : half high fae / half illyrian. allegiance : the night court. age : 30 physical age / 300 actual age. birthday : june 13. gender : cis man. orientation : heterosexual.

physicality

face claim : deniz can aktas. hair color : black. eye color : brown. height : 6'2. notable features : illyrian wings, pointed ears, tattoos on arms and back. abilities : flight, winnowing, siphoning.

personality

inspirations : cassian (acotar), jacks aka the prince of hearts (ouabh), kenji kishimoto (shatter me), ruhn danaan (crescent city). alignment : chaotic good. positive : alluring, charismatic, witty, loyal, determined, confident. negative : imprudent, irresponsible, avoidant, excessive, assertive, spiteful.

relationships :

father : former high lord of the night court (deceased). mother : illyrian (deceased). siblings: half brothers and half sister. other: cousins.

story

i. there were many orphan boys in the war camps of the illyrian mountains, but not many with the sort of rumors surrounding them as eldar. his existence was not planned, he should not have been. there were very few who had believed his mother's tale, the child being the offspring of the high lord of the night court when he had children enough in his court, but eldar's appearance was not possible to avoid. he was no mere illyrian and a war camp was no easy place for a child to grow up, but it was even less so for both a halfling and orphan.

ii. his birth had been too heavy for his mother, she did not survive for more than a few weeks after he was born. for the first years of his life he was brought up among others who had no one to take care of them, but when he was about 6 years old, his grandmother took him under her wing, starting a turmoil of a relationship between them. his grandmother had originally dishonored her daughter for getting herself involved with the high lord who was a married man. the true nature of their relationship lost with his mother, but the avoidance of his existence by his alleged father for the first years should have said enough. there was a switch in the years that followed. some days and weeks and months were good, some he spent locked out of his grandmother's little hut after having been kicked out for the millionth time for finding ways to slack or forgetting to keep his mouth shut when he should have.

iii. others already looked with disrespect towards him, but once the high lord met eldar and acknowledged him as his, the quality of his life improved, but at the same time there was a huge word plastered right on his forehead. bastard. as a child eldar was brought to court every once in a while to see his father though the two spent very little time together, his half siblings, to be taught the ways of the court. every time he was thrown back in the mountains he felt even less like he belonged anywhere. his mother did not want him, perhaps his father had, but that did not matter, if he was to be his project, he would be a failed one. the illyrians had no plan to claim this young privileged prick as theirs, but he would go on to try to prove himself to them and to himself as well.

iv. through the rough conditions that he grew up in and the complete change to be pulled to court full of snakes, eldar grew up with a thick skin, his defense mechanism being humor and it was kind of hard to hate someone who made you laugh first, wasn't it? this way of avoiding problems no matter what became his mantra and it did wonders for his training as he was finally able to at least make the impression that he fit in despite his fae ears. eldar proved himself as much as possible, he finished the blood rite first in his year and after continuing training was gifted a siphon, but it was obvious the war camps was not the place for him. he trained the younglings for a few years but his father called him to court, as if called in to pay back all that support from him, to find his place here, but eldar was determined to stay spitefully useless and indulge in all the luxuries his court and other courts could offer.

personality

eldar tries to be charming, witty and funny and enjoys usually everyone's company, but it could not be said the other way around. he has a very very long lovers list and he is determined to keep on working on it for the rest of his existence, very often finding himself in the sheets of beautiful fae, and therefore also trouble. he tries to take life easy, indulging in the many pleasures it offers him, so rarely does he say no to something.

he is not afraid of a challenge when he wants something, but it rarely is something that is not superficial as he avoids responsibility at all cost. he has never even for one second considered taking the load off any of his siblings in court. at times eldar does go too far with being a little too arrogant and full of himself at times, but he's convinced he deserves all the good things that come with being related to the high lord since he has suffered from that just as much.

on the outside he appears to be a pretty shallow male, who seeks the easy pleasures of life and is not afraid to be honest about it, who likes to act like he is completely okay with everything, but there's a lot of trauma and unresolved issues hiding behind all that.

[ebearie]

i don’t think i want kids to be honest but i do think about it a lot 

the only way i think i’d ever have kids is if my future wife wanted some and i would adopt 2 baby girls

so i’m constantly thinking about child psychology and what it means to be a good parent, how to help your kids grow up as well as what is in your control and give them a memorable childhood they can look back on fondly (games we could play, stuff i could buy them, places i would take them, traditions id make up, holidays)

i notice how other parents handle situations with their kids and if its the best choice and how its going to effect them long-term. i know that’s not my business, but i’m not judging them so much as i’m learning from them whether i see is a psychologically good or bad thing. how is positive/negative reinforcement or overreacting going to affect them? are they living through their kids? stuff like that

i think about how my parents handled my childhood, what they did right and what they really messed up on. my dad was there, but not too there. i got it the best with my dad since i’m his youngest daughter and i have the best relationship with my dad (going both ways, he’s really the only family member i get along with and only dislike at times because we live together and hes a bit of a homophobe). he respects me and that’s important. sure, he gets annoying at times. he’s also conservative and obviously im leftist, but we actually debate and he’s doesn’t dismiss my opinions because i’m “too young” (ill say mostly because he probably has said “you’ll see it when youre older” but idk how much that counts)

my mom is a bitch. like my dad, she was “there” when i was young, but never too there. they gave us a lot of freedom and i have siblings so we were preoccupied. i got close with my mom in middle school because i was so passive and afraid (dealing with trauma stuff) that i never acted out. when i did, she shut me down instantly (when i came out she said “uh no ur not bc u werent when u were a kid” even tho i was a rlly gay kid and she wasn’t rlly too there). once i came out about the trauma, a flip switched and i became much more assertive and my own person. she resents me for being a myself and a young person. when i was opening up to her about my suicidal thoughts and that i had a date planned a couple days go, she told me “if you think you know so much about the world why dont you just kill yourself then?” she’s told me being sexually abused made me gay and never apologizes for anything. its always my fault. i learned that i don’t wanna be a) the mother that projects her own issues onto her daughter b) a bitch

not to mention generational differences. i’m trying to wrap my head around why every generation resents the ones that follow and why parents helping kids with their problems often fall flat and i have some thoughts

 ---they forget that theyve had years of experiences and kids haven’t so usually when bad things happen to them its the worst thing theyve ever been through. so parents act dismissive and condescending 

---everything stays, but also changes. so things like injuries, breakups, failures they will never escape us, but how things happen and generational norms all change. so with different systems in place

---breaking of tradition. each generations breaks social codes from the ones that precede it. musical genres are a good example of this. when swing or rock was invented, parents hated it because it made their kids rebel and act too raunchy. as generations went on, youth started wearing different styles of clothing, more revealing or form-fitting. the breaking of tradition startles older generations because why change something they didn’t see as wrong. 

basically i’m trying to come up with a formula for being the best parent i can possibly be in a way that is very me since i’m such a thinky person, driven by logic as opposed to emotion. i know being a parent requires a lot of emotional maturity that obviously i don’t have right now, but i am working to catch up on (my job where i have to be super coddling to clients has helped me a lot). parenthood is a hard job and its not like i’m trying to perfect it, but if i’m going to have a kid, i want to at least have an understanding of how their development works and things to avoid, as well as things i want to make a point of doing. by the time i would adopt, i think it’d be in my mid thirties at least. omg this was super rambling ive just been thinking abt this a lot lol

onto nice notes, some things i would want to do with my little girls

---do “magic” with them, like the whole nine yards, foraging for stuff, casting the spells, following the planetary alignment

---get them their own pets when their mature enough (starting with fish and then work from there)

---make things with them whether its crafty and artistic or rustic

---make them their own outside fort

---have one night where we go out to eat

---SEASONAL ACTIVITIES like sledding, snow ball fights, pumpkin picking, fishing, hiking

---have one night maybe once a week or every other week where we cook something we never have before

---get them into any activity they want when theyre young whether its dance or kung fu or whatever

i just would want my potential future kids to have the best childhood i can give them ok and this isnt even accounting for the technology and new things kids in the future will be doing

[happydays-xd]

how are you?

what have you been up to?

i miss you

do you miss me?

i'm still in love with you

i wake up every morning, with a void in my heart - so empty that it hurts

idk what to do with my day - i know what i should do but i can never pull myself to do it

i can't stop checking if you're online

when i look at my phone, the only thing i think about is you

my mind is constantly thinking about you

there's not a minute where i stop thinking about you

i totally deserve this - the punishment i must endure for the shit that i have done to you

i know i should independently find my own happiness - but honestly you were the best happiness that i had found

i wish i can ask back for what i had lost

did you want to start again?

we don't have to continue from where we had left off

let's be true and honest with each other and tell what we want and need each other to do - additionally as well as what we shouldn't do

i would do anything.. to be with you again

i know our relationahip was toxic... but being with you has been an amazing experience. it's an experience that i still want to keep with and i know it's hard for the both of us but i really want to make it work. ive always held on and made sure that i didnt lose you but now that i have, i really regret it. in saying this though, im only asking but also hoping, if you were to ever want to start again - im always here. it's been 3 weeks since we broke up and honestly, it's been a grueling 3 weeks. it's been a week since we stopped talking and the whole experience has just been so difficult to move on from. my days feels so slow and i always just wake up being reminded that i have no one to really talk to. friends are not just the same. losing a s/o wasnt the only thing i lost. i lost a best friend. i lost my only partner in crime, my number one supporter and... you were my everything.

It's a month now and two months since the incident. I still greatly regret what I have done. I also hate myself for it. You're now going to therapy because of it and idk when you will ever forgive me but I don't think I will ever forgive myself, and this feeling will never reside. I'm so sorry for what I have done to you. I should of said something. I should of just asked. All I needed to do was ask you. I hope that the therapy will help you get back on track and whether or not you forgive me, I don't really mind. Because I know that what you're feeling right now and then is more painful and hurtful than mine. So I deserve this. I derserve whatever punishment I will take or that will come at me.

I'm still getting over you. I'm still waking up every day feeling sad and empty. I can't famine the lost of someone that was so important to me. Everything I do reminds me of you. No matter what I do I can't forget you. I don't understand why I am not able to let go of you. I can't seem to distract myself enough to realise that I am just hurting myself. Why am I like this?

I'm slowly healing but I'm also still in love with you. I still have the smallest hope in ever being with you again. I hope that everyone is doing well and is okay. I miss the little one. I miss the loving mother. I miss the great father. I miss the realest sister. I miss them all so much and most of all, I miss you. It still feels extremely lonely. I try my best to cheer myself up and make an attempt to go out and socialise with other people, but it's just not the same when I get home - or when I am driving home by myself. The feeling of no one next time me. The presence of someone just by my side. Someone who loved me... It still hurts that you are gone and it hurts more that I don't know what you are doing now and that you have completely shut yourself away from me. I guess I can understand because you probably can't stand seeing me or you can't resist reaching out to me. I get it.. You just want to move on... I'm always here for you, you know that right?... and I'm always here... if you want to start again

It's almost our 2 year anniversary.. I know it probably doesn't mean anything anymore since we're not together but, the thought of it still hurts. I don't know if I have moved on from you. I look back now to all the arguments that we had and the amount of patience I had for you. It was hard for me to accept it. I had someone asked me why I loved you, or what was it that I missed about you. For reason I had trouble for a bit to think of something that I genuinely missed. I appreciated you for the amount of effort you gave to me even though I knew it was something that was out of your comfort zone. I appreciated the manners and life skills that you had taught me to be better in believing in myself and being more self-caring. You truly made me into a even better person than I was already. But alas, I realised as well that during our lowest moments there were times where it felt like I was a pushover. The things that you said to me were painfully harsh and I was loving blindly and was always in denial of the flaws in the relationship. I wish we communicated more in person. I wish that you were able to just speak to me openly about what was wrong. I don't regret this relationship at all, I'm angry but more sad that I really lost my best friend. I understand that it's generic to be doing everything with your significant other but the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years... spent with you was amazing and I would never want to throw that experience away. This has been a lesson to me to take home and to continue developing into a even better person. I'm still sorry for what I have done but I also hope that you can forgive me. If we had spoken about it in person and tried to solve it... we could had still been together. But I guess what is meant to be was meant to be. I love you, and I hope that you are well. Hopefully someday the both of us can find true happiness if not in each other then in somebody else or with ourselves.

It really hurts seeing you be friendly with other guys. I know, you're not my gf anymore but my heart still aches. No matter how hard I try to look away, I always end up finding you in my way. Amongst the crowd of people, you still continue to stick out. I was angry and frustrated at the things you did and what I saw. Were you intentionally making me jealous or something?! I know the scale is different to what I did and what I saw but to cling onto a complete stranger? Tell me that I wouldn't be hurt by that.

When I received that text from you that day. My heart froze. I was filled with so many emotions. Shocked, thrilled, anxious, terrified.. Your apologies didn't feel like apologies. Even when you apologised you still backed yourself up and told me other reasons why you hated me and why you happened to be like this. I get it. I know I have done wrong. You make me feel worse than I already am and I am honestly trying my best to even forgive myself. It may seem to you that I am trying to move on by talking to other girls but do you really have to tell or remind me that you don't want your position to be taken away from you? And seriously, adding in that it was a 'failed relationship'? I'm sorry that I poured my heart out for you and withstood all the hardship. Like for it to occur and be acknowledged now, yet still backing yourself up does not make me feel any better. Frankly it seems like this whole 'apology' you call, is for your own closure and benefit. You didn't even ask how I was. You didn't question how my family was. You didn't show any sign of care in the world for me. You only gave me the empathy after I told you how I had felt. If you did emphasised with me then why did it have to be prompted before it was given? I've been confused, hurt and frustrated with my emotions for you. I really did hurt you, but you hurt me just the same amount. Or even more. You told me you loved me, but why did it feel like I had to plead for that love..

After reading that text, I broke and was full of self hatred. That night, the promise was broken. I guess it's not your concern since you aren't with me, but thinking back - the comment you made about not wanting to be with me because I was mentally unstable was correct. What really hurts was that you loved and cared about me, but you still with no remorse was indefinite about breaking up with me. I think back on those moments in time where I had reached my limit and you had experienced me literally on my knees on the floor breaking - only then you came to forgive me.

You do know that I'm not really happy right? Even if you see that external image that I put in front of everyone, deep down I'm still sad. I'm still unable to decide between whether I should be a bigger person and accept that things are what they are and move on - or that I should ignore and avoid you because I really can't be in the same room as you. Don't get me wrong, I am more than capable enough to be in the same room but I'll probably be extremely anxious, confused mentally and sad afterwards. I'm sorry that I am like this, I don't even know if I should be apologizing but I guess for some people it's easy to just move on and forget everything. Not saying that it is easy but people make it seem easy and because of what I went through only makes sense that I should move on - but I can't. I can't move on because.. I miss it. I miss us. I really, really missed what we had. It was truly something special that we had. Something that made us unique to other couples. A story to tell every other person of how we met and how long we had known each other. Our story is basically a fairy tale and it was amazing to have. I just can't believe that that fairy tale is no longer a thing and it feels like we're just strangers now. I'm star struck by the journey that the both of us took from being close friends and having same interest and love for music, to becoming couples, and now total strangers who hate each other... I wish, you knew. How I truly feel. About my feelings during post-breakup. I wish you also knew how much I really tried. Not saying that you didn't but, I was head over heels for you. I know that I had my moments and I wish I had been better but it hurts to revisit those memories only to see that you were not too empathetic for me and always I would apologise for feeling the way I felt.

I JUST MISS YOU OKAY? I MISS THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU UPDATE ME ABOUT HOW YOUR DAY WAS. I MISS YOU TELLING ME HOW ANNOYING YOUR BROTHER WAS. I MISS UPDATES ABOUT YOU IN UNI. I MISS YOUR ACHIEVAMENTS UPDATES AND HOW MUCH YOU ARE UNDERSTANDING THE CONTENT. I MISS YOU TALKING ABOUT MONASH. I MISS HOW YOU ALWAYS TALK SMACK ABOUT MONASH BUT STILL LOVE IT. I MISS YOU SENDING ME CUTE SELFIES. I MISS YOU SENDING DERP SELFIES. I MISS YOUR SILLY FACES. I MISS HOW COMFORTABLE WE WERE. I MISS HOW YOU WOULD JUST FART. I MISS YOUR ACCENTS. I MISS YOU BEING CUTE. I MISS IT ALL. And, and it fucking sucks that I don't get to experience any of this anymore. I always kept telling myself that I was so fucking lucky to be with you. That I was really going to marry you one day. I thought about our future and I tried my best to change my flaws to be more of a suitable boyfriend. I swear I tried everything in my power and my mindset to make things better. I always thought we had enough trust in each other. But I guess not...

Wow. Um, I don't know what made me do it but I messaged you and yeah, complimented and you replied. I was a little surprised that you did. You didn't bother to continue the conversation. Fair enough. I really should stop trying so hard to hold on... I really wanted you to ask me how I was going.. so that I could tell you what I had been going through, but I made the mistake of making myself sound like I was okay with everything. Then again, I'm not really sure what you have been going through so I shouldn't be so sure and judge. It hurts though. Um, I guess I am slowly getting better. I mean writing it out now means that I'm not completely over it but yeah.. I'm still feeling strange about it. It's still uncomfortable to try to be happy or to feel like I should be treating myself.

[mollysgame]

“Imagine: Archie Andrews has been in love with you forever but a certain fate has kept you apart for far too long.”

Inspired by Buzzcut Season by Lorde

warnings: how do you feel about crying...? also, m/ of intrusive thoughts, hospitals and other medical things... anyways this is just sad

[i do not own the gif above!]

                                ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Archie Andrews had never expected he’d become the beck and call type of man for a woman he loved. Especially not by nineteen-- an age he expected to use as an experimental period with an abundance of women. It wasn’t that he had no respect for the men who fell at the feet of women they adored, he just hadn’t wanted that for himself.

And yet there he was, his firm hands gripping a small basket already half full of things that he was assuming you’d want. It was 10pm and he couldn’t stop believing that everything would be okay if he just picked the perfect things. He’d been grabbing everything from chocolate to those pull apart twizzlers you ate religiously. His fingers instinctively reached out and touched a bag of chili heat Doritos. A memory of him choking on the heat and spitting water on your lap flashed through his thoughts. He laughed and decided to leave the chips alone.

He went to the freezer in the corner of the store and tried to pick out the right ice-cream. They had the Ben and Jerry’s you liked and even though he didn’t have that much money left, he decided to grab it anyways. He could spare eight more dollars for you. He would give anything for you to just...

A head of cognac coloured hair shook almost violently, desperate to avoid thinking too much. Intrusive thoughts attacked him almost daily now, forcing him to feel trapped, almost tied to a bed and unable to breathe on his own. That only led to feeling more and more apart from you. All he wanted to do was be the person you needed, to save you.

But he didn’t know how yet.

Archie walked up to the counter and dropped the armful of confections and junk on the counter. Jughead Jones had been hired by the corner store for nights after they shut down Twilight years ago. He was still saving up enough to finally go to college. His grey eyes settled on Archie for a long moment and then he began to check out the items.

“Is this going to be a weekly forever?” The words sounded spiteful but Archie knew that his friend was just lonely. While Betty had been more sympathetic, Archie knew the flaxen haired girl missed him too.

He was desperate to repair the relationships with his closest friends but he didn’t have the time to care for himself anymore. Everything was pointless while he couldn’t repair things with you.

“Until she is able to forgive me. I can’t stop Jughead, it’s like she owns my thoughts. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Jughead nodded like he understood and handed Archie the bag of goods, waving his hand with Archie tried to pay. It was his way of saying ‘I’ll never feel like this for a girl but I’m sorry you do.’.

Archie’s hand grasped the handle of the door and then let go, his body swivelling around to face his friend again. “Hey Jug, do you remember our first year of high school when Y/N told everyone that I was allergic to flowers?”

Jughead rolled his eyes before slowly nodding. “Reggie made your locker look like a shrine the next day. And then you gave out every single flower and got the numbers of twenty girls.”

“I didn’t save a single one, just so you know. I just told you guys that I was texting them all so no one would know.”

Except that in all four years since that week of freshman year, Jughead, Betty and even Veronica had figured it out. In fact, Cheryl Blossom had vague posted about it on Twitter once. Nobody in Riverdale could have missed that Archie Andrews was in love with you.

“Archie, do you ever just wonder what would have happened if you just had of told her?”

Of course he had. Archie had dreamed of it so many times that it was almost as clear as a memory. Every lucid dream of you, recurring more recently, was exactly the same. 

It would begin with you lying against the headboard of his bed, nestled in the crook of his arm and humming one of his songs. The room would start out so bright, keeping him from being about to see anything. He could feel your hair against his chin and his heart would feel so tight when you laughed at absolutely nothing. Then it would slowly change, everything would go dark around the two of you and suddenly you would be swallowed by shadows. 

Finally he would be able to see you, his eyes looking down at you with his arm around your shoulder. He would see every detail of you so perfectly that he would get lost for a moment, forget his objective. Because everything about you was mesmerizing, even the way the tips of your eyelashes curled up and never completely touched your skin. 

And then it would hit him full force, like a train barreling through the centre of his body. He’d stop breathing, not feeling anything but numb in every part of his body but his heart. And you wouldn’t ever look up, you wouldn’t notice the way his face had contorted into the expression of pure, honest pain. You wouldn’t even question why tears were hitting the top of your head. 

“I need to tell you before it’s too late,” he’d say with a lump in his throat so large he just couldn’t catch his breath. 

“Mhmm,” you’d mumble with no words attached because Archie wouldn’t be able to recall what your voice sounded like in that moment.

“I know you’re my friend, I know that you’re always going to be my friend. But I need to tell you before you’re taken away from me. I need to tell you how sorry I am and that I swear I lov--”

And it would always stop right there, the blinding light back to carry him away from you. And Archie Andrews would wake up without you once again.

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The building loomed over him like the shadows from his dream. He figured maybe that’s why the shadows were always what brought you to him once he fell asleep. It had started raining, his messy hair soaked and matted against his forehead. He was cold and yet burning inside, a combination possibly lethal. 

No one minded him as he cut through the lobby and past the closed gift shop. He noticed a few people asleep in the chairs who had more to worry about than a shivering ginger boy with a bag of snacks. He was on a mission though and when he was finally noticed, it was a by a blue clothed woman who sighed at the sight of him. 

“I told you last Friday that that was the last time, Andrews.” 

Archie sucked in his cheeks slightly and tried not to show the misery he was feeling. It was if the building has sucked out every bit of hope he had before he’d walked in. But the pulsing in his chest wasn’t just from his heartbeat, it was something deeper than that. It was pulling him to you so strongly that he felt almost tethered to your body. 

“I promise that this is the last time. Please just let me see Y/N. I’m sorry it’s so late.” 

The woman shook her head and sighed more deeply than the last time, possibly more deeply than all of the times before that. She ached for the poor boy more than she did for your family sometimes.

“It’s never going to be the ‘last time’, is it?” 

Archie’s gaze flickered to the chipped, beige floors and then to the familiar number on your door. 

“She’s alone every night. It’s the weekend, I just want to give her one night a week to have someone.” 

What he didn’t add was that he didn’t want to break tradition. How could he explain that Friday was your day, as it always had been. Buying too much sugary foods and lounging on his bed while watching Disney movies every week was something he could never forget. 

“Fine. But next week you’re going to have to have a better excuse so I don’t get in trouble for this anymore.”

Archie nodded and the woman led him to the room, opening the door for him and glancing at the peaceful girl on the bed. Your bangs had grown ridiculously long, almost like a sheep dogs but your family had been waiting. Waiting for you to ask for it to be cut yourself perhaps. There were IVs in your arm and a monitor tracked the steady beat of your heart while you stayed perfectly still. 

“Tell me one thing, Andrews. When this girl wakes up one night while you’re getting crumbs on her blankets, are you going to make up some excuse as to why you’re here? Or are you going to admit that you’ve been coming here every week for the past eleven months?” 

Archie stared at the nurse and then turned back to you, trying to imagine what it would feel like to see you just sit up. He said nothing, not knowing how to answer without regretting his words. He knew that he’d tell you how he felt, how much he missed you. But he didn’t know how without sounded absolutely crazy. 

He pulled the chair in the corner to be against your bed and pulled his laptop out of his backpack, setting it up by your legs. It was Sleeping Beauty week, and in true sadistic fashion Archie didn’t bother skipping it. He didn’t mind anyways, it wasn’t really about watching the movies. It was about warming your fingers with his hand holding them tight and having one sided arguments on what villains were the worst. 

He could never fully stomach it but he’d get through most of the ice cream and even the twizzlers after poking you with them for half an hour. He swore your nose would twitch after he’d done it enough. Usually he’d fall asleep with your hand still in his and his head resting on the bed beside your arm. And the nurses never bothered him because they only dreamt of having someone love them as much as he loved you. 

So he’d stay there until 7am before accepting a protein bar from the doctor that checked on you in the mornings. Then he’d be off, ready to go back home and face his father who may or may not have resorted to praying that you’d just wake up. For the sake of his son at least, because if there was anything that Fred was sure of it was that your accident had put a piece of Archie in a coma with you. 

And the accident wasn’t Archie’s fault, because a seventeen year old boy could not merely control the weather. But the now nineteen year old with cognac coloured hair and reliably warm hands was waiting. Waiting for you to forgive him for not saving you some how. Waiting for you to remind him what his name sounded like on your lips. 

Waiting for you to say you loved him back. 

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

A/N: this was supposed to be a short drabble where you woke up in the end... you can blame the Twilight movies soundtrack for this entire thing. also i love writing Archie, who would have guessed? send in requests if you want.

[joshuahong]

Daybreak / JiHan

title: Daybreak pairing: endgame!Jihan, side!CheolSoo word count: 1676 genre: angst, AU warnings: mentions of mental illness (PTSD)

note: so I recently had a plot bunny pop up in my mind (which I told @jeongahn​ / @jnhui​ about) and I needed to get it out of my system so I wrote this. This was only meant to be a little plot bunny but upon reading it, it sounds like a oneshot lolol. Nevertheless, if someone wants to turn this into a chaptered story (which would fit better tbh), let me know! :)

*** I hope I portrayed PTSD in a way that shows how tragic it is and how it can affect those who are involved. I know some details may not be accurate but I hope it does not romanticize a mental illness.

                                            D   A   Y   B   R   E   A   K

“The moonlight that fully Shines the empty room (moonlight) It’s disappearing like a dream (out of my life) I draw one more time On a white canvas I trust that I’m not alone” - Daybreak by Nu’est

Joshua and Seungcheol avoid each other’s gazes. Seungcheol knows where Joshua is going, and why he’s going. Joshua, on the other hand, knows where he’s going, but pretends he doesn’t know why.

“You’re going to see Jeonghan again?” Seungcheol asks, careful not to let Joshua hear his voice break.

“Um, yeah…you know he needs me Cheol…I can’t just leave him alone. He needs me,” Joshua replies quietly, averting his gaze from his boyfriend.

Seungcheol says nothing more and holds in his tears...at least long enough for Joshua to go out the door to drive to Jeonghan, who was Joshua’s ex-boyfriend.

Joshua convinces himself that he’s doing nothing wrong. He’s not technically cheating on Seungcheol because he’s only pretending to be Jeonghan’s boyfriend for Jeonghan’s well-being. He even told Seungcheol that he was Jeonghan’s pretend-boyfriend for Jeonghan’s sake. If that’s the case, then why does he feel guilty every time he leaves Seungcheol to help Jeonghan? Is he really helping Jeonghan, or is he just avoiding reality with Jeonghan?

Joshua wonders how it got like this. He replays it all in his head.

March 2nd: The day Joshua and Jeonghan mutually break up. Jeonghan was a little immature and needed to grow up a bit, and Joshua wanted to find himself for a while. If fate deemed it so, they would return to one another, but they decided it would be best to break up at the time.

June 14th: The day Seungcheol asked to be Joshua’s boyfriend. Seungcheol was someone he met in college and has known for a while. Joshua hesitated before saying yes, convincing himself that he liked Seungcheol a lot and that he was over Jeonghan. Seungcheol thought it was just Joshua’s nervousness.

August 6th: The day Joshua learned to love Seungcheol. Their relationship was soft and kind. He was different from Jeonghan, but Joshua wonders why he can’t forget Jeonghan. He thinks it’s because he was his first love and thinks nothing of it.

September 12th: The day Joshua got a call from the hospital saying that Jeonghan and his brother got into a car accident. Jeonghan’s parents had passed and they had no other family, so Joshua was the only emergency contact available. Seungcheol understood the situation and told him to go see Jeonghan. 

At the hospital, Jeonghan learns his brother had passed away in the crash and mentally shuts down. He blames himself and tries removing the IVs connected to his body to see Seokmin. When Joshua arrives, Jeonghan is asleep. Joshua texts Seungcheol that he has to stay with him the whole night. Seungcheol doesn’t mind.

September 13th: The day Joshua accidentally falls asleep by Jeonghan’s side and wakes up once the sun rises. He checks the time and decides to return back to his apartment with Seungcheol to shower. He tells the nurses to just call him if Jeonghan wakes up and if Jeonghan needs him. He anxiously waits for a call that never came.

September 15th: The day Joshua received a call from the nurses about Jeonghan’s well-being:

“There’s no easy way to say this. It seems as if Jeonghan has developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the loss of his brother. I know you said you were just a close friend, but he has been calling for you, calling you his boyfriend. We think it’s his coping mechanism, remembering a time when he was his happiest. A time before the death of his brother…”

Joshua doesn’t pay attention to the rest of the call and tells Seungcheol of Jeonghan’s well-being and tells him that he needs to see him more often because of his PTSD. Seungcheol nods quietly but asks, “You don’t love Jeonghan still…right Shua?”

Joshua hesitates before saying he doesn’t. Seungcheol realizes now why he hesitated to say yes to being his boyfriend.

Today, February 1st: It’s been almost 6 months. Joshua still visits Jeonghan. Jeonghan believes that him and Joshua are together and that Seokmin is still alive, hanging out with his friends Hoshi and Seungkwan. Joshua goes along with it, convincing himself that he just wants Jeonghan to be happy.

If his intentions are pure then why does it hurt when he sees the look on Seungcheol’s face when he says he'll visit Jeonghan? Why does he feel guilty knocking on Jeonghan’s door? Why does it hurt when he sees Jeonghan check his phone often, “just in case” Seokmin asks him to pick him up? If he doesn’t enjoy Jeonghan’s unhealthy mentality, then why does he promise Jeonghan he’ll visit tomorrow?

Joshua laughs to himself in a bittersweet manner. He’s a selfish cheating asshole. He lies to Seungcheol and lies to himself of his intentions to visit Jeonghan. He doesn’t want Jeonghan to live in his unhealthy mindset and doesn’t want to be part of a fake relationship that hurts him and the people he cares about. He doesn’t want to lie to Seungcheol anymore. He has to fix this.

Even if Seungcheol and Jeonghan never forgive him (both for different reasons), at least Joshua won’t have to hurt them or himself.

“Are you even listening, Shua? You always zone out when I’m talking! Can’t you pay attention for once?” Jeonghan snaps.

Jeonghan’s phone buzzes. “I wonder if that’s Seokmin,” he says offhandedly.

“It’s not,” Joshua says.

“What?”

“He’s dead Jeonghan. He’s been dead for almost 6 months.”

Jeonghan’s eyes water and shakes his head in denial, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Joshua’s voice cracks, “Jeonghan, please, you have to realize this. I’m so sorry I’ve been a shit person and never told you for selfish reasons, but he’s dead. 6 months ago—“

Jeonghan stops him, tears flowing down his face, “Stop, Shua, please”

“You and Seokmin got into a crash. He passed and you didn’t and I know you blame yourself for it—“

“Joshua, please, stop,” Jeonghan begins to sob.

“It’s not your fault Hannie. You guys were hit by a drunk driver. Please stop this, Seokmin doesn’t hate you. Seokmin doesn’t think it’s your fault…He…as well as I...want you to continue your life. Be healthy. It’s okay to mourn, but he doesn’t want you to mourn anymore. He’s watching over you right now, Jeonghan. I know he wants you to be happy,” Joshua reaches out to touch Jeonghan when he feels his hand being slapped away.

“Leave,” Jeonghan snaps.

“What?”

“I said LEAVE!”

Joshua backs away and runs to car, driving back to his apartment with Seungcheol. He opens the door to see Seungcheol’s stuff packed.

“Seungcheol I—“

Seungcheol stops him, “I know, Shua. I’ve known for a long time.”

Joshua blinks back tears, “Seungcheol I’m so sorry, I’m a terrible person, I’m so sorry for hurting you, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry—“

Seungcheol hugs Joshua, “Shh, it’s okay, I forgive you, but you understand that we cannot be together, right? I love you Joshua, but not as a lover. I care for you deeply, but it hurts, you know that, right? I don’t hate you, I can never. But I think this is the best. Jihoon…came to pick me up”

Seungcheol can see Joshua holding back tears, "...But if you need me here, I can stay one more night”

Joshua shakes his head in denial, “No Seungcheol, I’ll be okay by myself. Words cannot express my regret for hurting you who only loved me in return. I don’t want to extend your pain. I wish I could’ve been better to you, but words are empty to the pain I caused you. I…finally told Jeonghan the reality. He told me to leave, and now you’re leaving too. I guess it’s my punishment, huh? What a fool I was to myself, lying to you and Jeonghan. Please don’t pity me, I deserve it”

Seungcheol pats Joshua’s back, asking him to at least call if he needs anything, and quietly leaves.

Joshua is left alone, but he doesn’t regret anything. Maybe it’s better this way.

February 18th, Seokmin’s Birthday

Joshua buys Seokmin’s favorite flowers, sunflowers, and decides to visit his grave for his birthday. What he didn’t expect to see was Jeonghan already there, paying his respects to his late brother.

Hearing footsteps, Jeonghan turns and sees Joshua and gives him a light smile. Joshua walks up and places down the flowers and says a prayer. They both remain there in the silence.

“How are you and Seungcheol?” Jeonghan asks forcibly.

“Ah…we…mutually broke up. We saw each other as friends”

“Oh, I see,” Jeonghan replied quietly.

The silence continued.

“I-I’m sorry if I hurt you, Jeonghan. Your illness was serious yet I used it as an excuse to be with you the way we used to be. It was wrong. I ended up losing both you and Seungcheol. I hope one day you can forgive me,” Joshua whispered.

“Shua you were there for me when I had no one else. In the end, you helped me break out of my unhealthy mindset. Today I didn’t come to mourn, but to celebrate. You were right, Seokmin does want to see me happy. I want to show him that,” Jeonghan said gently.

Joshua looked up at him, “You don’t…hate me, do you?”

Jeonghan smiled and laughed heartily. Joshua missed that laugh. “Hate you? I don’t think I ever could, Shua”

Jeonghan bites his tongue before he can say anymore and smiles at Joshua.

Joshua smiles back. He was proud of Jeonghan’s progress. Jeonghan was going to be okay, and he would be there to help him towards a full recovery.

“Do you want to grab ice cream later?” Jeonghan asks softly.

Joshua hesitates before agreeing, but this time, his hesitation was due to his nervousness.