#i guess. its more of a letter to someone who will never respond

[calamarispider]

.

[rosemaze-reveries]

During an interview, the manor guests suddenly get a question about you.

this is def an experimental format!! i got this idea while reading the character letters. in the POV of an unknown interviewer (not reader). reader uses they/them.

🔗⚰️📰🔮❤️‍🩹💉🌪️✂️🍀🩰🔫🪡🤹🧲🦋🐍

Q. Could you describe your relationship with (Y/N)?

🔗 Ada - "Yes, that's my lover. I would say our relationship falls within the typical scope of that sort of thing. Of course, I believe we share something special, but everyone does when they're in love, don't they?" She covers all her bases in one decisive breath, leaving little room for me to comment.

⚰️ Aesop sits perfectly upright, fingers threaded at his knees. His eyes drift to the side and he seems to begin speaking mid-thought. "I had... cautioned myself not to upset their perception of me," he explains. "But they pried, and stayed, regardless of what they found... For that, I'm grateful."

📰 Alice has kept a sharp eye on me the entire time, but it's at this question that she drops the formalities. "I wasn't aware you would be prying into my personal affairs. Where did you learn that name?" Her frankness pins me in place. For some reason, I end up apologizing.

🔮 Eli can't help a sheepish smile from blooming across his face. "Well, truthfully... I don't use this term lightly, but they might be the love of my life." He has been consistently grounded with his responses, so I'm surprised to catch him flustered, however subtle it is. Personally, I'm touched.

❤️‍🩹 Emil considers for a moment. He doesn't meet me in the eye, instead pinning his gaze on nowhere in particular. A faint smile ghosts his lips. After a while, he answers, simply, "Safe."

💉 Emily's hands are folded neatly on her lap. At the mention of that name, her shoulders tense, but she otherwise maintains her composure. "Someone I trust." Her answer is vague and cautious, but acceptable. I'll try to uncover a deeper meaning behind that 'trust'.

🌪️ Ithaqua - "Mine." He is curt and to the point. Yours? I echo, hoping he'll elaborate. His head tilts to the side, and while I can't see the face behind his mask, a sense of dread suddenly overcomes me. I decide not to press further.

✂️ Jack stretches out his hand of blades, flexing each finger in front of him. I can't deny the cold sweat that drips down my spine just by being in his presence. "May I respond with a question of my own?" he says to me. "Suppose a butterfly loses its way, and winds up caught in a spider's web. Wouldn't you agree that the more it writhes and struggles, the more exhilarated the spider becomes?" I don't have the courage to hear out the rest of this analogy.

🍀 Lucky - "I've always been known as a pretty lucky guy, but the luckiest day of my life was when I met them! I remember it was the—" He drags me down a long-winded story about their life together. I get the idea. Eventually I'm forced to cut him off.

🩰 Margaretha twirls a curl of hair, a meek blush dusting her cheeks. "Have you ever been in love before? You're never prepared for the magic of it all. I feel a new rush with them everyday. I know, realistically, all good things come to an end, so I tried to remind myself to expect the worst, but they've proven over and over that... I'll never feel safer than in their arms." After rambling for some time, a look of surprise flashes across her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that. Oh, but I've just never met someone who feels so much like true love before."

🔫 Martha doesn't miss a beat. "Sorry, I don't know anyone by that name." I look down to double-check the name written in her file. Her watchful gaze follows my line of sight. Are you sure? I try. "Must've been some confusion somewhere," she insists. The next day, I realize all my files on her and (Y/N) have gone missing.

🪡 Matthias - "Wh-What?" he starts, but keeps going before I can repeat the question. "Oh, uh, an ally, I guess." Well, I gathered that much. When I press for more details, his head sinks low, fingers grasping at the armrest. "I don't know what they saw in me. Was it out of pity?"

🤹 Mike's eyes light up and he blinds me with a contagious smile. "(Y/N)'s a sneaky one, and I mean it—they've got me under the trickiest spell of all. Guess what happens every time I think about them?" Egged on by his grin, I take the bait. You get lovesick? I guess. Suddenly, he tosses a handful of butterfly glitter in my face. "I get butterflies!" Very funny, I sigh, exasperated with these carnies. Why did he have that on hand in the first place?

🧲 Norton leans back in his chair, scowling. "What's that got to do with anything?" He snaps a couple times in my face, urging me to "stay on topic." It's hard to say if this question struck a nerve, as he's been uncooperative for most of this interview, but my suspicions point me to prod further. After all, it'd have been much easier if he just said he didn't know them.

🦋 Vera's face contorts into a leery, hostile glower. "Why do you ask that?" Before I can say anything to mitigate the rising tension, she catches herself, and her expression softens slightly. "I'm sorry. That's... someone quite dear to me, so your question took me by surprise."

🐍 Yidhra's follower goes pale, clearly unnerved. "She won't answer that," she tells me through shallow breaths. "Th-This isn't my place to say, but I'd advise you not to involve yourself with that person." As if on cue, I get a sensation I can only describe as a hand slowly wrapping around my neck. It disappears when I move to scratch it. Must've been my imagination.

Part 2

[deyisacherry]

3 steps for a love confession — DCA x Y/N

First step, analyze their feelings for you. Done.

Second step, accept them. Done. Hardly.

Third step…

Confess.

There you were, sitting behind the desk. The kids had recently left, the Pizzaplex hadn't closed yet.

Good, great, wonderful. They have time.

Sun had excused himself to you, saying that he had to tidy up some things in his room. Of course… walking around the site, accustomed to nimbly dodging the pile of things lying on the floor, was the complete opposite of that.

Thank the stars that he and Moon can communicate internally, or his incessant nervous chatter would have been noticed by you a long time ago.

"How is someone supposed to confess their feelings? What are we supposed to do? You know how bad I am at telling the truth, I'll just say something stupid to avoid it and ruin it, I'm sure. Very sure!" Sun paced back and forth, his beams spinning as he tried to think. Poor thing, anyone who saw him from the outside could tell that he had gone crazy. He even moved his hands in expressive gestures as he communicated with Moon.

"Staying up here, not talking to them, probably not much will happen if we keep doing this."

"Moon! I'm serious! I'm not good at this, and you- neither are you!"

"Rude."

"You know what I mean."

"So cruel."

"Moon."

"I know, I'm just playing."

Sun sighs, stopping his pacing. "Maybe a letter? They're nice, and personal, and… oh, no, no, I'm going to get carried away and probably make them feel uncomfortable, plus I don't have self-control with details, and drawings, and glitter glue-" Sun he lets out an exasperated groan in his mind space, causing Moon to growl. "Why is this so difficult?!"

"Noisy."

"Please be of more help, you also want them to know how we feel." Sun says, with a tired expression.

"Flirt until they find out?"

"Oh, please…" Sun says annoyed, placing a hand on his forehead in disappointment.

"Hey, it's not even that terrible." Moon defends himself against his reaction. "You don't have to be too obvious… just play around."

"It's easy for you to say, you always do…"

"Not like this…"

Sun is silent for a few seconds, and then groans softly knowing that he is accepting his proposal.

"I guess we can try." He crosses his arms, looking down at the Daycare through his balcony.

"I have an idea."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"… Should I trust you?"

"Maybe you should, maybe you shouldn't." Moon responds, with a very soft laugh.

Sun has a feeling that he's going to regret it.

———

When the crepe paper rose is ready, Sun holds it in one hand, while the other one holds a piece of sticky tape.

"… This is goofy… even for me."

"If you don't try, you'll never know."

"Don't apply my sayings to me!"

"Just do it."

Sun complains silently, and begins with the last step of Moon's idea. Best scenario, it really works. Worst scenario… he'll resign himself to letting you see him and will stay in his room forever.

"… I'll blame you if anything happens."

———

There's at least an hour left before the Pizzaplex closes its doors. You are reviewing some messages that you forgot to reply to. Yep… it was definitely a good idea to have disabled the option to show when you read a message. It saves you from the idea that they will hate you for losing social energy mid-conversation and leaving them on seen.

You're in the middle of drinking some coffee you ordered, when you feel Sun approaching. You usually let him talk or do something, so you don't turn to look at him. But he doesn't do anything, so oddly enough, you look away from the screen to where you know he is.

And you're immediately greeted by the sight of Sun, with a paper rose taped to his smile. His eyes narrow with excitement as he leans across the desk. "Hello, Sunshine~"

A wink from him, and- Oop.

You just choked on your coffee from how badly that caught you off guard, coughing and covering your mouth as you look away in panic.

"Oh no, no, no! Sunshine! Sorry! Sorry! Bad timing for that! I'm really sorry!" Sun tries to get his hands closer to you but he doesn't know how to help, and seeing him with the rose still stuck to his mouth doesn't help your coughing stop.

———

"I knew it was a bad idea! I knew it! I knew it! And you knew it! You wanted to make fun of me!" Sun yells into his headspace, pressing a Freddy stuffed plushie against his face.

"But the flirting worked, they were blushing and embarrassed."

"They weren't blushing nor embarrassed! They were choking!"

"… Isn't that how embarrassed people react to something like that?"

"Moon!"

… The third step will have to be postponed.

---

edit: god dang it i just realized i made some mistakes with the font color AAA

[kizudnyy]

Aubrey's Sunset 2019 

― You stand before the grave of a young soul, a bittersweet smile spreading across your face as tears slowly spill down your cheeks. Your one true love is gone, and there’s no changing that. 

“Have we met before?” The voice of the dead rang inside your head.  Unable to process everything as reality struck you hard. You have repeated the cycle once more. 

"I…" you begin, your voice trembling as a weary chuckle escapes your lips. "I guess we have, huh?" 

I know the fandom and the whole ordeal itself is dead at this point, but I don’t fucking care cause the hyper fixation just got back to me and – As a writer, it is my DAMN duty to project my thoughts into the archives! To hell with the 2023-2024 problematic shit! 

CHAPTER 1: My deepest regrets, is to never tell you that ‘I love you’ 

The sun was beginning to set, casting a long shadow over the cemetery. The world around you have never felt so eerily still, so numb, and so-so cold. It was as if reality itself has taken a huge disliking to you and you only, letting you suffer such great consequences, and yet despite everything, it had held its breath for the presence of such deep sorrow. You could hardly believe that you were standing here once again, above the soil that had buried someone so important. A grave, a person’s spot that marked a resting place of one person who had meant everything to you. 

'Do you think we will be together in another universe?'

'I hope so.'

You took a shaky breath, trying to steady yourself. The memories kept replaying back to your mind. Memories of your time together played in your mind like a film reel, each scene more vivid than the last. His laughter, his smile, the way he always seemed to know how to make you feel better—everything about him was etched into your heart.  

But now, he was gone. And you were left with only the remnants of what once was. 

“Why does it have to always end like this?” You muttered to no one in particular, your voice barely a whisper, making it seem like the question was meant to be answered by you. “Alex, Alex, Alex. Why!” Your voice was already trembling with emotion. The weight of the cycles that you went through, the endless repetition – a curse of finding him at your very lowest, to losing him at his peak. It was becoming too much to bear, too much for your little heart. 

But now, he was gone. And you were left with only the remnants of what once was. 

"Why does it always have to end like this?" you whispered to no one in particular, your voice trembling with emotion. The weight of the cycles you had lived through, the endless repetition of finding him and losing him, was becoming too much to bear. 

You knelt beside the grave, your fingers tracing the letters of his name carved into the stone. It felt cold and distant, a stark contrast to the warmth you had known in his embrace. Tears blurred your vision, but you didn’t bother wiping them away. This moment, this heartache, was all too familiar. 

And then, as if summoned by your grief, his voice echoed in your mind once more. "Have we met before?" 

The question lingered in the air, a cruel reminder of the countless times you had met, loved, and lost him. Each cycle was different, yet the outcome was always the same—his life cut short, leaving you to mourn him over and over again. 

"I…" Your voice cracked as you tried to respond, the words getting caught in your throat. A bitter laugh bubbled up inside you, born of frustration and sadness. "I guess so, huh?" 

You leaned back on your heels, letting the stillness of the evening wash over you. The sky above was a canvas of orange and pink, the colors fading into twilight. It was beautiful, yet the beauty felt hollow in the face of your pain. 

A part of you wanted to give up, to let the cycle break and leave this endless loop behind. But another part, the part that still clung to hope, refused to let go. You knew that as long as there was even the slightest chance of saving him, you would continue to fight. 

The device that had brought you here, that had allowed you to travel through time, was still tucked safely in your pocket. It was both a blessing and a curse—your only means of seeing him again, and the very thing that condemned you to relive this tragedy. 

You pulled the device out, your fingers brushing over its smooth surface. It was small and vintage, yet it held the power to alter the course of history. But no matter how many times you used it, no matter how many variations of the past you lived through, you could never seem to change his fate. 

‘Remember, history isn't meant to be rewritten, even for love. It serves a purpose beyond our understanding.’ 

"One more time," you murmured, your resolve hardening. "Just one more time." 

‘...’ 

With a deep breath, you activated the device. The world around you began to blur, the colors bleeding into one another until everything was a whirl of light and sound. You closed your eyes, focusing on the one person you wanted to see more than anything. 

When you opened them again, you were no longer in the cemetery. The grave was gone, replaced by the familiar surroundings of a bustling town square. People milled about, unaware of the time traveler in their midst. 

And there, in the distance, was the boy you had come to find. He was younger, full of life and energy, completely oblivious to the fate that awaited him. Your heart ached at the sight, knowing what was to come, but you couldn’t stay away. 

You had to try. Even if it meant risking everything. 

As you made your way toward him, the sound of his laughter reached your ears—a sound you had missed more than anything. You swallowed the lump in your throat and called out his name, your voice trembling with a mixture of fear and hope. 

He turned, his eyes meeting yours with a look of surprise. For a moment, you saw a flicker of recognition in his gaze, as if some part of him remembered you, even if he couldn’t place it. 

"Have we met before?" he asked, his head tilting slightly to the side. 

You smiled softly, the words tasting bittersweet on your tongue as you replied, "In a way… yes." 

KIZU'S MULTI-FANDOM MASTERLIST

[sailorgreywolf-german]

//crawls in// please may I ask kindly for 14. things you said after kissing me - SpAus................. The ball is in your court for pre-divorce or post-divorce dynamic....... 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Of course, how about relatively early in their marriage?

------------------------

Spain crossed the room and wordlessly took Austria’s face in his hands. Austria saw the intensity in his eyes a moment before their lips met.

Spain kissed him firmly, but not hungrily. Austria leaned into it on instinct, ever glad for Spain’s touch. All the thoughts about what he had been doing vanished as the other man cradled his face and deepened the kiss.

He put his hands on Spain’s waist, feeling the velvet of his doublet under his fingers. When they parted, Spain said, “Did you miss me?”

Austria didn’t even need to consider before answering, “Of course. I always do.”

A tantalizing smile curled across Spain’s lips. He looked like he wanted to lean back in for another kiss when the sound of someone else clearing their throat.

The sound snapped Austria back to what he had been doing before Spain’s entrance. He turned his head to look at France, who had a single blonde eyebrow raised in annoyance.

He said, seeing that he had gotten Austria’s attention, said, “Can we return to my offer now?” He shot Spain a withering glare, “In private, preferably.”

Austria guessed how Spain would respond even before he heard the offended huff. Spain said, turning sharply to France, “And why would you want that?”

The venom in his tone gave Austria a moment of pause. He intoned, answering France, “No, you may not.”

He was thinking about how Spain had walked in, certainly registered France’s presence, and intentionally walked past him. Austria would have loved to believe that Spain only had eyes for him, but he knew the man too well for that. The gesture felt distinctly more pointed than loving the more that Austria contemplated it.

Spain all but confirmed his intentions as he said, “It is curious, Francis, that a letter found its way to Vienna, but nothing came to Madrid. Almost like you didn't want me here with my husband.”

France’s blue eyes were full of undisguised disdain. He said, with a sneer, “I assumed that there was no need to talk to the junior partner.”

Austria felt Spain slip an arm around him. He glanced at Spain and saw the way a muscle twitched in his jaw. He knew Spain’s tells enough to know that if the man had a sword on him, he would have grasped it. Austria cautioned, “You should be cautious, Francis.”

Spain let out a sharp exhale through his nose, “Really? I have a different theory.”

His hand tightened and Austria glanced at him to see the clear anger on his face. Spain continued, “I think you are trying to divide the empire by being selective. Or maybe you even think you could get between us.”

Austria could hear what he was not saying: that he thought France was trying to steal from him. He found it strangely charming, though he thought that the jealousy was entirely misplaced. France had not approached him with any friendship or affection, and Austria had not felt even remotely moved.

France rolled his eyes, making clear what he thought of Spain’s bluster, “You find ill intentions everywhere, whether they exist or not.”

Spain countered, “Perhaps I just know you well. You and your wandering eyes.”

Austria contemplated letting them bicker. He did enjoy seeing Spain puff himself up like a territorial rooster. It left little doubt that he valued the marriage. But he decided that it was unnecessary to let them continue. He said, before they could snipe at each other further, “We are unified. You are not going to get a different answer by only talking to me.”

He turned to Spain and put a hand softly to his cheek, reassuring him that he was there, “But, Antonio, I fear you’ve had a wasted trip.” Spain pulled him closer, protectively, “It’s never a wasted trip.”

Austria started to blush, but continued, “I was about to tell Francis that he can go back to Paris empty-handed. I have no interest in a rapprochement.” France’s eyes widened and he said, “Roderich, please consider-“ Spain cut him off, “You heard him. Fuck off back to Paris.”

France sighed and said, before turning on his heel, “You’re both insufferable.”

Once he was gone, Austria looked at Spain, and said, “Did you kiss me just to make a point?”

Spain had not loosened his hold on his waist. He answered, “Just? No, not just for that. I enjoy kissing you too.” He leaned in and whispered, “See, I’ll do it again without anyone looking.”

[likelyfox]

Passionfruit

F!Reader x Jang Kyujin

summary: After you left JYP due to an injury in 2020, you were left on your own. Kyujin who was by your side slowly forgot about you…that was until one day 2022 when you got an unexpected invite.

wc: 4.3K

tags: fluff, friends to lovers, jealousy

ao3

What you taught was your dream quickly ended. You rarely talked about what you wanted to do in the future and that included talking to Kyujin about it. However when you and Kyujin both joined JYP you pretty much were sure that your life goal of being an idol will become real, and it sort of did. Yes the struggles of being a trainee were real and you did always double guess if being an idol was worth it.

It was something you wanted, but not always. Unfortunately your dreams were crushed after getting a major injury during 2020, you were devastated of course. Your best friend, Kyujin, did hope you would return but instead you didnt. You decided that it would be best that you just support Kyujin behind the screens.

When you heard that Kyujin would be debuting in a group (at that time JYPn) you were excited. You were the first person Kyujin texted to let you know about the news and of course you were excited!

When it did come to her and the groups debut you were even more excited, being there for their debut song ‘O.O’ release. Then if suddenly, she stopped contacting you. Maybe it was just because shes an idol and cant give you the time she could when she was a trainee. Yes, you were still supporting Kyujin but now more all members, however you still were wondering why she hasnt texted you. At the same time maybe it was because of the massive amount of hate they were getting which you never understood why that even happened. Its not if the hate affected the members, its that they indeed did.

As if somebody at JYP knew you suddenly received an invite to visit the members. You did suspect that it was a fake invite afterall, a massive and rich company invites you to meet the members? It just seemed impossible, nonetheless you visited them the next week.

Entering the building you showed them the letter and then you were sent to the practice room; “NMIXX Practice Room”

The person opened the door for you and saw only one person there. Maybe he accidentally led you to the, but no. It didnt seem like it.

“Hey?” You said trying to get the other persons attention

“Hey” It was Kyujin. You should have known. No one would invite you to meet NMIXX suddenly if it wasnt someone who knew you. That person was Kyujin.

“I should have known” You said

“I missed you” Kyujin said before hugging you “I really am sorry for-”

“Dont be sorry” You said “You are an idol i kinda knew”

“It doesnt make it right!” Kyujin said “I still-”

“So? Your career is more important that me.” You said

“You are-” Kyujin said

“Kyujin.” You said “Just…focus on your career, alright?”

“I will. I want to also spend time with you.” Kyujin said “I dont want our friendship to just end”

“I also dont” You said “Im not glad about not returning to JYP”

“Now?” Kyujin asked

“After i recovered from my injury” You answered

“You didnt want to though” Kyujin said

“I know i didnt” You said “Thats why i exactly regret it”

“Its fine.” Kyujin said “Im just glad you are still by my side, even if you arent a trainee or an idol im just…glad really. I couldnt be happier right now”

“Thank you” You said

“You should probably go” Kyujin whispered

“I should” You said “You arent-”

“See you soon” Kyujin said

Walking back home you couldnt forget how beautiful she looked. Yes, you always found her adorable and complimented her, today was something different. The next couple of months you did start to text her more and more often and she was also quick to respond too!

Whenever a comeback was announced you were quick to give her the support she needs. At the same time you were feeling sort of…guilty? You were supportive of Kyujin which you didnt mind, but only her, while you had the chance to always meet all of the members.

“Then lets meet them” Kyujin said before leading you out of the practice room

“Wait, now?” You asked

“Yes.” Kyujin said

“But-” You tried to say before she grabbed your arm and quickly led you out. You were sure that somebody will notice how you and her were holding hands, which to your surprise no one did!

The ride to the dorm wasnt really that long, either because you were lost in thoughts or the traffic was a lot less today. However when you did arrive at the dorm you were nervous, the members know about you, so it really shouldnt be this awkward but it is.

“Hello?” Kyujin said entering the dorm “Alright either they are asleep or-”

“Hey” Haewon said

“Oh hey” Kyujin said “This is-”

“Hey Y/n” Haewon greeted herself

“Hey” You said

“Kyujin told me about you” Haewon said

“Oh” You said

“Good things! Dont worry!” Haewon assured you

“Ah alright!” You said

“Anyway, lets go i will introduce you to others!” Haewon said before you followed her

Kyujin for some reason felt jealous, it wasnt because you already met Haewon and you were close to her, but it rather was because she seriously wanted you to be with her. Kyujin knows that its not because she has feelings, afterall you are her best friend it wouldnt make sense at all.

“Oh you are finally here” Lily said

“We waited for you!” Jiwoo said

“You did?” You asked

“Yes” Bae answered

“Well to be fair Kyujin talked about you for like a month straight, so we decided to suggest the idea of her inviting you” Haewon said

“Well that makes more sense” You said

“Hey wheres Kyujin by the way?” Haewon asked “She was with you, but didnt come with us in the living room”

“No idea” You said As if on cue, Kyujin walked in. The moment she walked in you knew something happened, but you didnt want to mention it.

“Oh hey” You said

“Sup” Kyujin said, still trying to be cheerful, however that didnt work when you knew why she isnt that happy.

“Can we talk?” Kyujin asked

“Yeah” You answered before following Kyujin out of the living room.

“Everything okay?” You asked

“No.” Kyujin answered “Why are you so close to her?”

“I cant be?” You asked “Are you jealous?”

“What?” Kyujin said

“Are you jealous?” You asked the same question again

“No, obviously not.” Kyujin answered

“Then, why are you wondering why im close to Haewon?” You asked

“I…dont know.” Kyujin said

“Then it shouldnt be a problem, should it?” You asked

“It shouldnt.” Kyujin answered

“Good.” You said before going back to the living room.

Of course you didnt really believe her, you knew she was jealous, she also knew she was jealous. It was really just a matter of time when Kyujin will admit it, but for now she wont.

The next couple of days were kinda annoying for Kyujin, she was always thinking about you. She knew she had to do something about it but didnt know what.

“You are in love, Kyujin.” Haewon said

“Im not” Kyujin said “Its just…i care for her.”

“Care for her? Sure. But i would say that you are in love” Haewon said

“I dont even like girls” Kyujin said

“Well…i guess if you are happy then i cant judge” Haewon said

Sure, maybe Kyujin was honest about her feelings and the reason why she feels the way she does is just because she truly does care for you. Afterall Kyujin texts you a ton and is always happy that you compliment her.

You should have seen what was coming but you didnt…

The members decided to invite you over to movie night and a sleepover, of course you did accept it. That should have been a huge sign. The whole night was really just Kyujin trying her hardest to not cuddle.

“I will go get something to drink” You said before going to the kitchen. While yes you did get something to drink at the same time you wanted to take your mind off Kyujin for a moment.

It wasnt that Kyujin was on your mind, it wasnt. It was more of why has she not cuddled to you.

“Y/n, everything alright?” Lily asked entering the kitchen

“Yeah, everything fine!” You said

“Doesnt seem like it” Lily said “You can tell me you know!”

“Its Kyujin” You said “She…well its complicated”

“Aw! are you in love with her?” Lily asked

“No” You answered “Im not in love i am wondering why she just doesnt admit that she invited me to cuddle with her all night”

“Well…she is shy” Lily said

“Shy?” You asked

“Yeah” Lily answered “Well shes shy around you”

“Thats…rare.” You said

You and Lily went back to see Kyujin now cuddled up to Jiwoo. You didnt really get jealous, afterall Jiwoo is cute too. After the movie ended everyone left except you and Kyujin. You didnt know if you should say anything but those worries soon came to an end.

“So…hows life?” Kyujin asked

“Just say it.” You said looking at only Kyujin now, thankfully it was dark so Kyujin didnt notice it.

“Say what?” Kyujin asked

“Come on, dont play dumb now.” You said “You were trying to cuddle with me all night”

“I-i didnt” Kyujin said

“Sure” You said

“Look if you want to me to…nevermind” Kyujin said

“Kiss you?” You asked

“What?” Kyujin said

“Answer.” You demanded

“yeah.” Kyujin admitted.

You leaned in hoping that she knew you werent joking, and she did. You connected the distance between you two in a soft but lovely kiss. Both of you didnt want this to end of course you didnt know, but Haewon was there looking at you two.

“Haewon is here” Kyujin whispered, loud enough for you to hear

“Then lets give her something to remember” You said before kissing her again, this time it ended quickly. “I love you” Kyujin said

“Yeah i know” You said

“Do you…want to be my girlfriend?” Kyujin asked

“Mhm” You said “Dont let anyone know.”

“Oh i wont” Kyujin said

In the end all of this was just a date for you two. Kyujin knew, the members knew but you didnt.

You couldnt be happier right now, Kyujin also couldnt. The next day waking up you had her in your arms, your relationship is still new so you forgot for a moment that shes your girlfriend, not best friend. Sleeping on the couch in the living room together with Kyujin was a bad idea, as anyone could walk.

When you woke up in the morning, you tried to look for your phone but gave up and checked Kyujin’s phone instead it was 7am. You tried your best to not look at her notifications, they were mostly from other social media and then, ‘NMIXX’. It makes sense that the girls have a groupchat, there werent many notifications, only Haewon mentioning something about you and Kyujin, however you didnt really pay attention.

You moving around did wake up Kyujin but not fully.

“Y/n…” Kyujin said, her morning voice was something you never heard even after all of the sleepovers, this was the first time.

“Yes?” You said trying to fight the urge to just kiss her.

“Lets sleep” Kyujin said

“Anything for you baby” You said before closing your eyes. You thought you would sleep for an hour, but instead you woke up and all you heard was somebody taking pictures, you thought that maybe it was Kyujin, maybe you were just hearing things but no. When you opened your eyes you saw Lily and Bae.

“Morning love birds” Bae said

“Morning” You said “How long-”

“Well we debated for 20 minutes so…” Lily said

“Right.” You said before getting out of bed

The members of course didnt know that both of you were dating, they just think you and her were sleeping together because Kyujin pressured you to sleep with her.

“So…care to break the news?” Haewon asked entering the kitchen

“What news?” Kyujin asked

“Last night? After everyone went to sleep.” Haewon said

“Oh that…” Kyujin said

“We cuddled talked about life” You said

“And kissed.” Haewon said

“We did not” You said

“It wasnt that dark” Haewon said “Admitting that you and her kissed wont do anything!”

“Oh and another thing” Haewon said before giving you your phone “You can call up your friend Ryujin to say that you got a girlfriend”

Haewon exited the kitchen, and left you and Kyujin in silence. You had no idea that your phone was with Haewon and that Ryujin texted you. “Will you call her?” Kyujin asked bringing you back to earth

“I um, yeah i will” You said before calling Ryujin

“Wait-” Kyujin said before Ryujin picked up

“Hey, morning. Where were you last night?” Ryujin asked

“Morning, with the members” You answered

“The members? You debuted?” Ryujin asked

“No, with the NMIXX members” You answered

“Ah alright” Ryujin said “I just was bored but…since you were with them then i wont even complain!”

“We can meet today” You said

“Sure” Ryujin said “Oh by the way, is there a member who knows you?”

“Yeah Kyujin!” You answered

“Oh thats nice” Ryujin said

“Yeah i was a trainee with her but then due to an injury i just didnt come back” You explained “We are still friends even if shes an idol”

“Oh” Ryujin said “Well it was nice talking to you!”

“Yeah you too” You said before she hang up You did see Kyujin sort of…being jealous.

“So…im your best friend.” Kyujin said

“No you arent.” You said

“Then why did you say that im still a friend?” Kyujin asked “Us kissing and me confessing was for nothing?”

“Kyujin-” You said

“Maybe i shouldnt have done all of that?” Kyujin asked

“Kyujin, you arent my friend. You are my girlfriend and you know it” You said “I just said that we are friends since im not ready to break the news to her or anyone for that matter”

Kyujin went silent, she could admit that she was just jealous that you didnt call her your girlfriend but she didnt want to do that.

“So?” You said “Any plans to respond?”

“I just…fine you are right.” Kyujin said “I hate to admit it but you are right.”

“Good” You said “Dont be sad that i called you my friend, you are my girlfriend but to others just a friend.”

“Hm…alright” Kyujin said

“Im surprised you that we havent cuddled all these years” You said

“Yeah me too” Kyujin said

The next couple of hours were you and Kyujin hanging out in the living room, you did try not to be obvious but that wasnt working when Kyujin was clearly cuddling with you.

“Hey, can you break the news?” Haewon said “I mean you and her are so cuddly tonight, which didnt happen last night.”

“What news?” Kyujin asked

“That you both are dating?” Haewon said

“We arent” Kyujin said “We are…friends with benefits!”

“Sure” Haewon said “I just hope that Kyujin wont accidentally slip and say that she has a girlfriend”

“Look, do you promise to not tell anyone?” You asked

“Yes.” Haewon answered “but if they figure it out, its not my problem.”

“We are dating.” You said

“Congrats!” Haewon said

You were sort of relieved that you broke the news to her. While yes, the others still dont know and shouldnt for a while there will come a time where both of you will have to break the news. You couldnt live in the dorm forever, so you decided to finally say your final goodbyes but before that you needed to break the news to others. Lily and Bae sort of knew so it wasnt that hard to admit. You and Kyujin invited both of to the living room, where Haewon was still there.

“So, why did you call us here?” Bae asked

“Did someone die?” Lily asked seeing Haewon not responding

“No one died” Kyujin said “Me and Y/n are dating”

“Oh, congrats!” Lily said

“For how long?” Bae asked

“Since last night” You responded

“I guess them cuddling this morning was a sign” Bae said to Lily

“Yeah…it really was” Lily said

“Well best of luck in the future!” Bae said

“Thank you” Kyujin said

Sullyoon and Jiwoo didnt notice the signs, but who could blame them! You also didnt notice that she planned to confess that night. Breaking the news to them was easier than expected.

“So?” Jiwoo asked

“Remember how i told you that i wanted to confess to Y/n?” Kyujin asked

“Yeah” Jiwoo responded “Oh my god! You are dating?”

“Yes.” Kyujin said “Me and her are dating!”

“Congrats! This is awesome!” Jiwoo said before hugging Kyujin

“Thank you” Kyujin said

“Did she take it good?” Jiwoo asked

“She wasnt surprised” Kyujin responded “I guess its just…the fact that i was kinda obvious with the whole movie date”

“Yeah you were, and you also got jealous-” Jiwoo teased her

“Shut up” Kyujin said

“Im joking” Jiwoo said

“I know” Kyujin said

Breaking news to Sullyoon was different, you called her down with the thought of breaking the news. However when she came down you were surprised.

“Hey” Sullyoon said

“Sup” You said

“Congrats first of all” Sullyoon said “Second of all tell me!”

“Did Bae tell you?” You asked

“Maybe” Sullyoon said

“I will take that as a yes” You said

“How did you confess?” Sullyoon asked

“Well i didnt confess Kyujin did, but i still knew” You said

“Actually after you went to the kitchen Kyujin became sort of sad…none of us pointed it out” Sullyoon said “She tried so hard to tell us that she isnt in love…but well. She was.”

“Yeah i get it” You said “But…im happy that we are dating!”

“Best of luck” Sullyoon said before hugging you

“Thanks” You said

Afterall breaking the news wasnt as difficult as you thought it would be. However after you went away, you knew Kyujin would get sad and miss you a ton.

“Hey Kyujin” Haewon said

“Hey” Kyujin responded quietly

“Everything alright?” Haewon asked

“No.” Kyujin said

“Look i know you miss your girlfriend, but that doesnt mean you have to be all sulky and sad” Haewon said

“I understand” Kyujin said “But i do miss her”

“We have a comeback coming up you have to get yourself together” Haewon said “You can see her after all the promotions, remember?”

“Yeah.” Kyujin said “You’re right”

“Good” Haewon said

Haewon was right, Kyujin couldnt be sad and miss you as they do have a comeback coming up. Instead Kyujin did what Haewon told her she tried to get you off her mind. Which somewhat worked as she did become happier.

As her birthday was coming up and you havent seen her and the members in almost 2 months you knew you had to do something.

“Her birthday is soon” Haewon said

“I know” You said “I have plans to surprise her”

“Aww” Haewon said

“Yeah yeah” You said “So…will you not tell anyone?”

“I wont.” Haewon said “You can always trust me, remember.”

“Thank you” You said

“Welcome” Haewon said before hanging up

With Kyujin’s birthday being in less than a week, you started thinking of ways to surprise her. You did think either backstage or at her dorm. In the end you decided that best would be in their dorms, and now that her birthday is today you woke up early in the morning to drive to their dorms.

You texted Haewon and to your surprise she was already waiting for you. Not wanting to waste anymore of her time you ended up going there quickly.

“Shes still sleeping” Haewon said “However she should be awake…in a couple of minutes.” You entered seeing everyone up and for good reasons, it was Kyujin’s birthday after all.

“Oh hey” Lily said

“Sup” You said

“Does she know?” Bae asked you

“Nope, i wanted to surprise her” You said “Thats why i sort of didnt tell you when exactly i will be here”

“Alright” Bae said

It didnt take long for Kyujin to finally come out of her room. The members were first to surprise her which makes sense. For some reason you couldnt help but feel proud? You arent part of them, you are there because of Kyujin. To spend time with her, and not anyone else…well sort of. The members are also special to you, they were the first to know everything about you and Kyujin. The members make you feel as if your dream never ended, just turned into you being their best friend and secret member.

“Y/n?” Kyujin said making you snap out of your thoughts.

“Hey” You said “Happy birthday!”

“Thank you” Kyujin couldnt help but smile, she hugged you trying to hide the tears forming in her eyes.

“You didnt tell me” Kyujin said

“I know” You said “I wanted this to be a surprise”

“Best gift” Kyujin said

“Speaking of gifts” You said before also looking at the members “I have a gift for you”

“You didnt have to-” Kyujin said before you gave her a necklace with your name on it.

“Y/n…” Kyujin said before crying. You rarely see her cry but when you do you cant feel as if you are the only thing in the world at that moment. The members were watching both of you but didnt say anything, you didnt know at the time but they were taking pictures of you two. You didnt really complain though.

“I love you” You said

“I love you too” Kyujin said “Were you planning this?”

“Yeah!” You said

“Oh wow” Kyujin said before crying again

“Why are you so emotional” You teased her trying to cheer her up

“I just, im in too much love” Kyujin said “I have fallen so deep in love!”

“Me too” You said

Meanwhile the members already quietly went away, they thought its better to leave you both to be than to be in the middle of all of it.

“Kyujin.” You said “You should go to your members”

“But i want to be with you” Kyujin said, looking up at you. You couldnt say no, her eyes were shining from the tears and in general she looked more beautiful right now. Was it because you havent seen her in two months or was it because she just genuinely looked more beautiful whatever it was you fell for it. You wondered to yourself how can a person who woke up minutes ago can look this beautiful?

“Has anyone told you how attractive you look?” You asked

“No…” Kyujin said

“Well you do” You said “How did i become your girlfriend?”

“Because you are beautiful, Y/n” Kyujin said “Have you heard that?”

“Nope but now i have” You said “I think we should-”

“I will call them” Kyujin said “But not before you give the birthday girl a kiss”

“Anything for you” You said before kissing her. You thought it would be a short and soft kiss instead, but Kyujin made it longer, but you arent complaining.

“Call the member, Kyu.” You said before she did so. She went to their dorms and called each other. The breakfast went fast however her birthday didnt end. Kyujin knew she can make you agree on anything today.

“Im thinking” Kyujin said “You should take me to your apartment”

“Seriously?” You asked

“Birthday girl is asking.” Kyujin said

“Yes.” You said, making her giggle a bit. The ride to your apartment was quite fast, you quickly got out of the car and led Kyujin in.

“Its nothing much really” You said following Kyujin

“I mean for one person this looks really comfy” Kyujin said “You still have this?” You and Kyujin always took pictures together, while not all of them were remembered as they were lost, you still had one. During your trainee days, the photo is the only thing you have.

“Yeah” You said “Honestly didnt really plan to still have it but yeah”

“Why not?” Kyujin asked

“Well…i thought i was gonna return back.” You responded

“Ah” Kyujin said “We should have another one!”

“I think-” You said

“Actually we will take one with all the members at the dorm!” Kyujin said

“Alright” You said Kyujin continued going through some of your stuff but you didnt really mind, shes your girlfriend after all. That was until she suddenly turned around to look at you.

“Hey?” You said

“Can i ask you something?” Kyujin asked

“Of course” You responded

“Why did you choose me to be your girlfriend?” Kyujin asked “There are a lot of other girls that you could have chosen, but why exactly me?”

“Well you are adorable, smart. You work hard and still find time to spend with me and be happy” You said

“Oh…thank you” Kyujin said “I just…thought you said yes because i was an idol…and you know”

“Are you kidding me? You are my best friend, i have known you since basically childhood” You said “Yes you are an idol to me too and i am a fan too…but i still love you for what you are”

“You made this my best birthday” Kyujin said before hugging you

“Im glad” You said

“Do you think if i revealed that you are my girlfriend to the world would-” Kyujin said

“Dont.” You said “We shouldnt.”

“I understand.” Kyujin said “I wont.”

“Good” You said before you kissed her the kiss ended quickly and Kyujin still needed to fulfill her promise.

“Lets drive back” Kyujin said

“Sure” You said

At the end of the day, you did get the picture with the members which you were really glad about as well as you hoped that Kyujin had the best birthday, yet and she of course did!

[chronicangel]

Needs

Link to this fic on AO3. Words: 2041 Date posted: May 7, 2019

Summary: "I didn't," he responds honestly, because Sai deserves to know. He does not deserve to be married to a secret and Ino can be mad at him if she wants but indignantly, Shikamaru can only think, You should have told him.

Shikamaru doesn't particularly like hanging out with Sai. It's not that Sai isn't a perfectly fine guy, he is, it's more that the guy has no sense of boundaries and no ability to read a room, and that Ino seems to expect Shikamaru to teach him these things. (He thinks that Chōji would be a much better candidate if she's that determined not to do it herself. Hell, even Naruto is better with people than Shikamaru is and that guy is a total idiot.) Plus, there's also the awkward fact that...

"You used to sleep with my wife," Sai says casually, as though commenting on the weather.

"Yeah," he responds, forcing his voice to be just as casual.

He and Ino haven't been a thing since they were 18, and they're both married now (him, newly, to Temari, and her to the man he's currently sitting at Ichiraku with after Ino made plans with him a month ago and then suddenly "came down with something," which at the very least Sai had confirmed to be true, she was vomiting all morning, but he suspects she was planning to cancel either way), and yet it is this thing that will probably haunt them both until they die. (He wonders if it can be a haunting if it is sweet. If it can count as a ghost if its sorrowful song is still tempting. There are times where he looks at his wife and he wonders what it would be like if she was somebody else, but he's never upset with how his life has come out because he does love Temari, he really does.) "She told you about that?"

"We make it our business not to keep secrets from each other," he says pointedly, taking a sip of his water. Shikamaru doubts this. Of all of Ino's virtuous qualities, she is not honest. She is not open. She is a book in an ancient, forgotten language with pages stuck together and a latch on the cover that requires a key that was lost a long time ago. Shikamaru thinks he might still be the only one who understands her language, but he doesn't have the key anymore. He can only look at her face and spout passages from memory and wonder if they still apply. Shikamaru has been thrust out into the same category as the rest of the world and it shouldn't sting as much as it does.

He cannot say this, though. He cannot pull at loose threads in someone else's marriage until it comes unraveled just because he still feels a sort of bitterness that it is not him. Not when his life is just as easy to pick at and his dreams are just as wont to come apart if they are too closely examined. "I guess I just didn't think it was that important to her," he lies, and it feels weird in his mouth. In contrast to Ino, Shikamaru makes it a point to be honest. He does not like fabrications.

Sai is quiet for a long time, continuing to simply sip his ice water while Shikamaru slurps up the last of his bowl of ramen. Finally, he says, back to a casual tone like he's just spotted a cloud in a neat shape that he wants Shikamaru to look at, "I occasionally suspect she might still be in love with you." Shikamaru chokes. He coughs for a minute and wipes at the broth on his chin and then stares at Sai with wide eyes.

"She doesn't make it obvious. She certainly hasn't said as much. I suppose she thinks the truth would hurt me," he elaborates, and he shoots Shikamaru a kind smile that doesn't really fit the conversation, but Shikamaru knows that he is trying his best. "So I suppose we do keep some secrets."

"Is it really a secret if you can read it so easily?" Shikamaru asks, because he doesn't know how else to respond. After all, Ino has never been able to keep a secret from him. He reads her too well, always has. Though she may not say what she is feeling, may even hide the text particularly well, he can see the way the lettering flickers through her blue eyes. He can read the words aloud to her in another tongue and she will crumble.

Sai shrugs his shoulders and places the money for his food on the counter, then takes another sip of his water which Shikamaru swears should be almost empty by now. Shikamaru lifts the bowl to his mouth to drink the broth from it and then pays his half, and the two of them get up to leave at the same time without verbally communicating it. He supposes payment should be enough of a cue. They walk in the same direction, which isn't actually toward either of their homes, so Shikamaru can't be sure where they're going. He thinks that they are going to have a long conversation, though. "If it isn't too invasive," Sai starts, and Shikamaru is sure it will be. "Could you tell me what it was like?"

He stops breathing for a second.

What it was like, he thinks, and he knows that Sai means his relationship with Ino but he wants to pretend that he is oblivious. He wants to pretend that he doesn't know what the other man is talking about just so he can push his answer off. Because he doesn't want to tell her husband that they were some of the best years of his life. He doesn't want to tell her husband that he really was in love with Ino and on a level he's still in love with her, too. He doesn't want to tell her husband that if he'd been able to choose when he was eighteen-- even when he was nineteen, twenty, for years-- his choice would have been Ino. He doesn't want to tell her husband that if she asked him to abandon his life and run away with her, he'd drop everything in a heartbeat. He doesn't want to tell her husband that Ino will always be a part of him.

"Well, I'm sure if anyone could get it, you would," he starts, because that, at least, is true. It is an easy truth to grant. "Being with Ino is like... I guess it's a lot like smoking a cigarette. It's a rush. It's a chemical soup. It leaves its permanent imprints on your brain and your body and the way that you think. It's not like they become your whole life, but they become a part of your life. An important part, a part you might change everything for if you had to. Even after you quit, a part of your life is always dedicated to getting another one. To taking another breath. To catching the secondhand."

"And is that what this is? Spending time with me? Is it catching the secondhand?" He asks, apparently in the spirit of genuine inquiry. Shikamaru does not think that Sai is a particularly jealous man. He could tell him right now that he was in love with Ino and that he'd leave his wife tomorrow to be with her (which at this point he does not think is true-- his life with Temari has become the default; the normal; the way that things are, even if they aren't really the way that things have to be anymore) and Sai would probably just nod along and accept it because he is a selfless man, a good husband, and if Ino would accept that life then Sai would too because all he wants is her happiness.

Shikamaru shakes his head and laughs a little bit to clear the air. "No, I don't think so." He doesn't need to bear witness to the life Ino has built without him. "You're a good man, Sai. She deserves a good man."

This seems to pique Sai's interest again. "Are you not a good man?" He asks, and Shikamaru isn't sure how to answer that question. He isn't sure how to explain that on a fundamental level, he doesn't really think so. He doesn't think he can be. He can't explain what allows Sai and Naruto and Chōji and countless others all to be good men when they have had the same life experiences as Shikamaru, would likely make the same choices without questioning themselves as they are trained to do as shinobi. He only knows that they are all inherently good and something within him is tainted in a way he cannot fix or even properly see.

He knows this is not the answer that Sai wants, and yet he does not like lying, so he chooses to gift Sai with a form of release instead. "You seem pretty determined to give your wife away," he jokes, although he doesn't think this phrasing is quite right. You don't give Ino away. Like waves lapping at the shore, she comes and goes as she pleases until one day she dries up and leaves you dehydrated.

"I suppose I'm more interested in why you did," he shoots back, and Shikamaru feels his heart stutter. So she didn't tell him everything. She told him that we loved each other, that we were together, but she didn't tell him how we came apart. She didn't tell him about our tragic ending which paved the way for his happy ending. For her happy ending. For everyone's happy ending, I suppose.

"I didn't," he responds honestly, because Sai deserves to know. He does not deserve to be married to a secret and Ino can be mad at him if she wants but indignantly, Shikamaru can only think, You should have told him. "I don't think I ever would have been capable of giving Ino up. I don't know how anyone could be," he says. He thinks it's the most honest he's been all evening. "We started dating when we were fifteen. We didn't tell anyone about it because it was forbidden. Children of the Yamanaka clan cannot be with children of the Nara clan, and neither of us could have been with a member of the Akimichi clan, either. It jeopardizes the InoShikaChō trio that our families have perpetuated for hundreds of years. And there's so little our families cared about more than tradition. When we told them, we didn't really have a choice. So, no, I didn't give her away."

He knows that he shouldn't be bitter. Things are better this way. He has a pregnant wife waiting for him at home and she has a husband who would die for her.

But he can't help it, damn it. He can't help it because he would have happily been the husband who would die for her, and she could have been his pregnant wife, and if they'd never told anyone-- if they'd just eloped one day and announced it to their families then when there was nothing they could do about it-- everything would be fine. Maybe not better, but it'd be different and it'd be okay. He misses her so much sometimes it aches and even as he loves his wife, is in love with his wife, he knows that a part of him will always belong to Ino and that's not only unfair to both of them, but it's unfair to the wife he loves.

Sai lets them stay in quiet for a long time, and really, he is the one in total control of this conversation. Shikamaru has never felt so much like he was at another person's mercy before, but he knows now that he is a mouse stuck in a trap and begging for death.

"I'm glad, you know," he says eventually, and Shikamaru nearly jumps though it is not that sudden. "I suppose I should be jealous, but it makes me happy that there is someone else who loves my wife as much as I do. She needs more people who care so deeply for her in her life. I think that she often feels tragically unloved and alone, even when I am in the room with her. So I suppose, on a level, she needs you."

[wygolvillage]

a new year's resolution

well, as of 2024 i’ve decided i will no longer be posting on tumblr... this shouldnt be the hugest surprise since ive been pretty critical of staff, the over-monetization of the website, the site culture, and the user experience for the past year and gradually reducing my time spent scrolling the ol’ dashboard- ive even mentioned my intent to eventually leave; well, that eventually is now! gradually ive found myself analyzing the effect that using tumblr for 7+ years has had on me, and the effects of social media in general.

ive never had to write a goodbye letter like this before. while ive joined and left several online platforms over the years, its always been a gradual fade in interest rather than a conscious decision to stop. never have i used a platform as long as ive used tumblr, over 1/3 of my life. ive grown up with tumblr, for better or worse. how do you write a goodbye for that? i guess ill have to try my best. because as important as tumblr was for me, ive recognized the way its hurt me too.

finding other avenues of online self-expression particularly has made me think a lot about this. when i edit my website i feel accomplished, happy, and content, feeling i have put something of myself out into the world, my seed to grow and garden to tend. when i scroll through tumblr i feel as if my brain is mostly idle, and when i do emotionally respond its often out of anger or annoyance, because anger = engagement and social media sites like tumblr WANT engagement. particularly because i have OCD ive found myself upset by certain aspects of tumblr discourse culture, as well- it is basically the Scrupulosity Website and much of the way i react to and interact with media has been colored by my years spent absorbing the viewpoints of said Scrupulosity Website! i even used to look up discourse topics on tumblr just to anger myself on purpose, which is a dangerous road to go down, to build up Enemies and Factions in your mind- this is how discourse culture works. the culture of tumblr teaches you to see the world in black and white, and to feel like youre always in danger of compromising your moral purity or being attacked by the morally impure. If You Don’t Reblog This You Are A Bad Person. even as someone who nowadays tries to stay away from discourse entirely, its still there in the back of my mind, because the way we interact on this website is colored by this. when im online i dont actually want to be angry all the time! in fact i like putting my effort towards more positive stuff. but additionally: tumblr made me unhappy but it also made me an addict

and yeah social media addiction sounds like a silly boomer thing to complain about but one thing i noticed when i started trying to curb my time spent on tumblr was that opening the site was damn near compulsive. we all know those “open tumblr, close tumblr, open tumblr again immediately after” memes but that did describe my behavior pretty accurately. the draw and allure of social media feeds is powerful, if i accidentally click the youtubes short tab ill find myself a half hour later scrolling through random shit i don't care about and asking well how the hell did i get here? i dont even like that stuff! tumblr is no different no matter how much the site tries to coast on the reputation of being the last social media that's a “remnant of the old web” and “has no algorithm”. i like my chronological dash but it is equally as addicting to scroll through the thousands of people ive followed over the years, as it is to scroll through the algorithmic feeds of youtube shorts, because that's just social media!

and kicking addiction is pretty damn hard. before 2023, i made two separate attempts at reducing my tumblr usage and both fell through within a week due to that addiction. for reference this current bought of thoughts about reducing my tumblr usage and making my online/irl balance more healthy, around the start of 2023 when i began working on my website and its taken me an entire year to wean myself off of the hellsite, bit by bit. theres a point where it stopped being a conscious act, and even as i was carefully whittling down how often i use tumblr with extensions like leechblock i still had that compulsion go off multiple times every day, its a really strange feeling. but now that ive found so many more ways to express myself online, i just feel more whole now... i guess what im saying is that when i post on tumblr my first instinct is to complain or wallow about something, when i post on my own handmade blog on my website i always want to talk about things that excite me or make me happy! and its been such a tangible change in the way i think and act and im certain its because of the way social media and tumblr have their own “societal expectations” and structure that is built to feed on this negativity loop.

and a lot of the biggest shifts happened when i began immersing myself in the ideals of the web revival, while creating my own website. finding things that genuinely interested me and niches i want to occupy made me so much happier. i know we make a lot of jokes about having mutuals we never talk to that mean the world to us and i do think that is indicative of something. like, when i post on a forum full of strangers i am engaging with more “face to face” (or the digital equivalent) communication than i do with years-long mutuals. how genuine are these connections, this dashboard, the enjoyment i got from that meme post ill forget in 10 minutes? (not to say that i don’t genuinely care abt my followers and mutuals. ykwim?) i can still get all the things i enjoy out of tumblr in a more curated form via rss feeds; ive been so much more proud of what i post and create and code on my website. what am i here for? i gradually realized that i am losing absolutely nothing when i “miss out” or block tumblr on my phone or what have you.

since starting working on my neocities site ive felt so much creative drive. ive created whole interactive essays and worlds and games and writings and so many things i could never host on social media. my website is a place of my very own, and ive been learning the value of focusing on what i put out into the net compared to what i take from it. its made me feel so much more fulfilled when i spend time online.

and let's not forget about staff. i have broader issues with how automattic in particular has gone about running the site. the ads only took up more and more of the dashboard, and every month it felt like there was some new paid feature doomed to never take off. all while the user experience gradually degraded. using the site without browser extensions to fix the ui and block the ads and tumblr live and all the other shit they threw all over the place makes it look like its ridden with viruses, and i think the fact that its become so normalized to feel like we have to stay in spaces that become increasingly hostile to us, even while the internet is so vast, is really strange (i mean, i also thought that way at first). but Anyway. so much time and effort was spent on features no one liked or wanted in some desperate attempt to get a little extra money, while staff members get in public fights with users who complain about getting monetization shoved down their throat. its so openly pathetic. the merch store had mostly mediocre designs and the digital tumblrmart is absolutely full of useless digital goods with free alternatives. considering this is a userbase that gladly donates to other sites donation drives for hosting costs (i.e. ao3, wikipedia, internet archive), i am shocked that staff never considered the obvious answer of a fucking donation drive once a year or so! the ceo telling people with concerns about the ads being unsafe for epilepsy to “just pay the ad free subscription” is one of the most disgusting things ive ever heard from someone officially representing such a platform. do not be fooled by the reputation tumblr has cultivated: all that it cares about is making money from you. tumblr is “in danger” because it can't turn a profit- because a profit is all they care about!

so why stay here when im happier elsewhere, apart from the addictive compulsion? that's what ive been thinking through for nearly a year, realizing that i have no reason to, and that weaning myself off of the addiction is in my best interest. i can create and blog and have fun online and connect with others and follow other peoples work all without the need for tumblr anymore! and i think id be all the healthier for it.

over the past year ive truly fallen in love with the internet again and ive loved putting myself out there, unrestrained in ways i havent felt since i was very young. but nonetheless ive learned a lot on tumblr, ive had some of the worst and best experiences of my online life, and i dont doubt that i would be a much different person if i had never been a tumblr user for as long as i was. but i had to break out of this shell eventually.

i keep going over this wondering how i can express every feeling in my head, how i can word everything just a little better, how i can make the perfect goodbye. but i think this will have to suffice.

you can still keep up with me online here:

-explore my website: i keep it consistently updated and im always adding new things and writing new posts on my blog! you can even speak to me directly on the site! if you sign my guestbook or use my chatbox ill try to respond :) if theres anything on this list you do id like it to be this one! i worked hard on it! you can even send me chat messages on my homepage! just keep in mind it may not display everything right on most mobile browsers, but it should be mostly navigable...

you can also subscribe to my rss feed. if you don't know what rss is, it allows you to use a feed reader to keep up with updates from sites all over the internet! my rss feed will notify you whenever ive made a new post on my blog or made an interesting edit on my site id like you to take a peek at :0 convenient, right?

you can also email me at wygolvillage@gmail.com to message me directly. if you prefer im also “wygolvillage” on discord

thank you and happy new years :) thanks for seeing me off as i sail to a new sunrise <3

[sweethangman]

hey pretty boy too proud to say hi now that you’re whoring around with the prince?

you never respond to my hi’s. not politely at least…

doesn’t mean i don’t enjoy ignoring them. 

oh my apologies then… good evening jason…

…

as expected. goodnight, my good knight…

okay, okay, hello? shouldn’t you be helping clean up the ball?

shouldn’t YOU be helping clean up the ball? it’s YOUR engagement.

i’m on watch here? every night?

you know… your view of the hallway is completely obstructed by that column.

the only thing i’d have to miss behind that would have to be even smaller than you. 

i’m not THAT small. 

oh yeah? come get it…

HEY GIVE THAT BACK!!!  I DONT HAVE TIME FOR… DEMEANING CHILDISH GAMES! 

i suppose where you’re standing is… acceptable… i just was trying to be helpful.

hmph. word at the ball was that you left to chase the prince… i didn’t think he was your type. 

he’s actually an ex-ex prince…

wish he was the ex-ex-ex prince.

THAT’S TREASONNNN!

like the king hasn’t had the exact same thought… what’re you doing around his harem? i thought you at least cared about doing your job in addition to everyone else’s. 

people can have a sense of duty without sacrificing ALL semblance of fun. 

drinking until you pass out and sleeping in a strangers bed doesn’t seem like fun to me. 

and what would you consider fun? having the same dreary job for 8 years in a row?

9 years actually.

9 years. positively thrilling if you ask me… y’know, if you wanted to join, you could just ask.

i have a fiancée!— also, i don’t want to!!

mhm.

Good day sir here are the knights letters what do i look like an errand boy deliver them yourself fine just thought youd want to deliver them to your friends guess ill just have to go over there and tell them what a wonderful friend you are to me fine give em here oh my engagement present how is it oh um its really good actually thank you the guy who writes them is great at what he does i already have birds of the southern isles and finches around the world but i've never had an illustrated one before though mustve cost a fortune oh it was nothing im so happy youre enjoying it might be the best engagement present ive gotten the king got me a sword with his coat of arms on the pommel which is nice but its also what he got me for my graduation and im not really sure what to do with two swords wow im honored if we ever visit the provinces i can show you all the birds in real life im never gonna visit the northern provinces im needed here well i grew up in the north as a kid my memories not the sharpesg in the world but i could try and describe what they were like youre from the north i never wouldve guessed you seem like you sprang right into being a fully formed courtier well thank you i moved here when i was 7 so i had time to learn the ropes and lose my accent how about you oh uh well i was born in a nearby town i think or the king thinks im an orphan but ite completely fine i have a better life here than i could ever dream of with the king taking care of me and a job i love a job im good at so not as interesting as you thats way more interesting im glad you found a home here yeah are you in love with maya did she put you up to this she said we'd talk about this later no i swear im sorry if its a touchy subject no its fine i of course im in love with maya we're engaged id be the biggest fool in the world if i wasnt in love with her right i wouldnt know dont you fool around with a lot of guys i thought youd have figured out love by now thats nowher enear love sometimes if i want something from someone and they want a little intimacy in return well why would i turn thay down you shouldnt i mean you cant its not a currency you can exchange why not im cute even worse you have to use it responsibilty how do you know they dont think its love i dont wanna contaminate your big knightly brain

Sorry i did that all from memory i think a lot of that is wrong anyways JASONLOUIS IM CRYING GG O,,,,,...MMLL

[butter-egg-toast]

Secret admirer 💌

Anon question: how would the boys be as secret admisrs? Like them being romantic? Like a little lovely notes they leave everyday for you? Headcanons or scenarios plz 🙏

Just saw the second movie on YouTube I'm feeling motivated

Short n sweet 🍭

Sorry this took forever 😢

Hope you enjoy

✉Haru: He's definitely the best secret admirer out there. You'll never suspect him. He admitted that he has a crush on you but didn't know how to handle it. So he got some advice from friends.

"You got a letter? Who gave it to you? Do you think you'll respond back?"-Haru

✉Makoto: Is a literal nervous mess. He's nervous and shy. He askes you very specific suspicious and obvious questions regarding the letter. He is relieved you don't think the letter is weird

"So, y/n did you see anything strange today... or did you get anything??" -Makoto

Nagisa: Gets super very excited. Can't keep a secret worth nothing. Tells everyone what he's done.He giggling and asking if you seen something different today (pointing to the obvious)

"Rei chan, look what I wrote for y/n! She's never guess it me♡!!- Nagisa

Rei: He's shy but also is prideful how he woorded the letter. He tells Nagisa how you'll never suspect him. What makes its obvious its him he leaves clever well written riddles

"That is correct, it was I. Did you like what I wrote?"-Rei

Rin: He got the idea from gou and some movie. He thought it would been romantic. Got super embarrassed after realizing what he did. Tried to play it off like he didn't do it but he doesn't want anyone to take credit

"Damn...I didn't think through, um.. yeah it was me...do you like it? "-Rin

Sousuke: He's not the type to do it but somehow  he managed to keep a straight face. With his letters he leaves small pieces of your favorite candy tape to it (this gives it away that its him)

"Did I write that letter? How you figure that out?"-Sousuke

Kisumi: He tries his best not to make it obvious but he put SO much in his letters, like little doodles, hearts and sticker placed all over the letter.

"Wow someone must really like you y/n."-Kisumi

Asahi: He'll go straight forward with you but he'll do words of encouragement letters. When you even mention about the letter he looks like he's going to jump with joy.

"Really?! That letter made your day? Well there's more coming your way!!"-Asahi

Ikuya: Hes good at hiding it but he gave it away quickly after he mention a letter when you never told anyone. You actually caught him putting the letter in your bag. Poor guy got so embarrassed

"Uh...its..here, I have been writing these for you.

Hiyori: Another perfect secret admirer. He's a literal ninja. He's good a keeping his cool when mention. Seems like the type to place hidden letters for you to find all over the campus

"A note.. can I see... well looks like you have a little admirer... and the note is very beautifully written"-Hiyori

Natsuya: does a poor job hiding it. He's Direct with his feelings but he's also very playful with you. He wants you to fall for his words. He'll probably do like a little scavenger hunt of gifts he bought for you to find.

" oh yeah, I wrote that letter, except more to come! -Natsuya

Nao: secret secret admirer (at first). Then over time He wants you to know its him.  Even when you find out its him. He'll keep giving you the notes. He'll also quote bits words from his letters

"It seems someone has a admiration for you y/n i wonder who it is...-Nao

Kaede: His team mates(nagisa)convinced him this was a good idea. Somehow he wrote you letter telling you to meet him somewhere (restaurant). You meet him and he surprises you by ordering any food you want. He seems mean and tough but he's definitely have a loving side

" I shouldn't even listen to those bastards... what you want to eat?"- Kaede

[thatonemarvelchick]

Peter - Eight

Peter sat silently in the living room, knee bouncing as he waited for Apricity to get back. How deep did she have that letter buried? She’d been in her room for ten minutes now, having said she was just going to go grab it quickly. He was getting anxious now, even though his senses weren’t going off enough to really give him anything to worry about. He stood - ready to go in there and check on her - when she came walking out. 

He had to admit, it was nice to see her, talk to her, after having kept his distance for so long. He missed the sound of her voice, the way her eyes shone when she looked at him just right. Those eyes were rimmed in red now, and he felt a pang of guilt at the idea that her pain could’ve been his fault. 

She’d said she wouldn’t have called him if she didn’t need to, if she’d had anyone else to call. He’d been her last resort. When she’d first said that, he took it as a punch to the gut, something to be insulted by. But as he looked around her empty apartment, not a single photo to be found on the walls or tables, he realized that it may have been more self-deprecating than he’d initially thought. Maybe Peter wasn’t her last resort, maybe he was her only resort. Maybe ‘I wouldn’t have called you if I didn’t have to’ hadn’t meant to be the jab he took it as, but a plea. 

Maybe she was just as alone as he was. 

“I’ve uh… I’ve never even opened it.” She said as she walked back to the couch, sitting down silently. She fumbled with the piece of paper in her hands, clearly nervous. “My mom left it. She said it was for my dad, should I ever find him. I never went looking.” She shrugged. Peter could tell that she was trying to play it all off, that she was trying to seem nonchalant and tough. But he could also tell that it hurt her more than what she was implying. 

The envelope was old, clearly. The edges were ripped and curled in places, the paper creased and yellowed. He could tell she’d had it for a long time. 

“When did you lose her, your mom?” He couldn’t help himself from asking the question, not even processing that this was one of those things that would lead to them learning more about each other, becoming closer, crossing that line that they had both drawn. 

But then, they’d already crossed that line.

Apricity swallowed, shaking her head. For a moment he thought she wasn’t going to say anything, and he would’ve understood. He had no right to ask her any personal questions, not when he wasn’t even sure they could call themselves friends. Not when he’d failed to reveal anything about himself and run at the first show of intimacy. 

“She’s not dead.” She mumbled finally, taking him by surprise. “I mean, I guess technically I lost her, but not in the way you’re implying. She left when I was fourteen.” She looked down at the letter, voice going quiet. Peter felt an automatic surge of anger at anyone who had hurt her in this way. Then confusion. How could someone willingly walk away from her? 

Then again, that was what he was doing, wasn’t it?

“I’m sorry.” That was all he said, and she didn’t respond. She simply shook her head again, taking a deep breath and sitting up straighter, like she was gathering strength. Slowly, she used her nail to begin opening the envelope. 

Peter had no desire to read the letter. He thought it was too personal, an intrusion of her privacy. He sat there as she pulled it out, opening the simple notebook page stored inside. He traced the lines of her features as she read, the way her shoulders curled in on themselves more and more, the way her breath seemed to catch at the sight of the writing. He watched a piece of hair fall from its place, blocking his view of her eyes from this side. He wanted to brush it away. 

After a few moments, Apricity closed the letter and sat up a bit straighter. She looked over at Peter and swallowed, seemingly searching for the words. She looked like she was trying to determine was information he was privy to, and what she would withhold. 

“She said my father's name.” She said finally, meeting his eyes probably for the first time since he’d been there. Peter frowned, leaning in a little closer. She looked confused. 

“What is it?” he asked, shaking his head. “What’s the matter?”

Apricity chuckled in disbelief, shaking her head and shoving the letter back into the envelope, standing. “My mother was insane, that’s what the matter is. She was insane and because of that, I’ll never really know who my father is.”

Peter stood with her, more confused now than ever. “What do you mean she was insane? Who did she say your father was?” He asked, following her this time as she walked into her bedroom. It was tiny, a bed and nightstand being the only things in there. The bed was unmade, with white sheets and a green comforter. Peter tried to take in as little details as possible. 

Apricity opened her closet, pulling down a shoebox and stuffing the envelope inside. “It doesn’t matter. It’s a fake name. Either she was crazy, or she did it to fuck with me, because she knew I would read it. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have anything to do with the boots or the note.”

Peter shook his head, stepping forward and grabbing her arm to stop her. Her skin was cold to the touch, something he noticed seemed to be a frequent problem of hers. She was always cold. 

She froze at his touch, looking up at him. Her eyes were furious, flickering between his like she was looking for something. He hoped she found nothing. 

“What did she say his name was, Apricity?” He asked, not letting her go. He wasn’t holding her tightly,  his grasp barely there. She could pull away if she wanted to. 

She didn’t.

“James Buchanan Barnes.”

Next Chapter

[axellis-archv-2]

confession, hugs, and love letters for ANDREW CHRIST

sorry in advance if this starts bleeding into nortdrew kin shenanigans its not my fault donnie i hope the wizard weed makes you a master linguist when you answer MY ask

confession — how’d the confession happen, and looking back on it, what are your (and f/o’s) thoughts abt how you both were back then?

jeeesus christ. like jesus christ. no pun intended when i say this but andrew would take his feelings to the grave than actually say anything so itd have to be genuinely life-or-death that anything got said. likeim talking hes about to be launched and im trying to save him kind of life-or-death. hes slowly bleeding out life-or-death. im cradling his face and hes hiccuping and sobbing because despite how much hes been told that he doesnt deserve to live and how much he thinks he believes it he doesnt want to die kind of life-or-death.

so when he inevitably breathes in again and realizes hes alive and back at the manor again and he confessed his love hes like. okay. im going to pretend this never happened. and i Will Not Let Him. i am actively gripping at his wrists as hes trying to walk away from me and im telling him "please listen to me." and hes not looking at me because he'll start crying again if he does but also he's not actively bolting so he wants to stay? hopefully? and im like fumbling my words trying to tell him that i wouldnt be trying to acknowledge what he said if i didnt also feel the same. that i didnt also love him.

i think afterwards i dont even know if hed like. i think sometimes he'll have moments where he thinks he made up that whole confession and he's somehow conning me into liking him but it washes away the moment i unprompted go and give him a little kissy. i think my only 'regret' so to speak is i wish the confession wasn't soo like. sad . i wouldve wanted a celebration. i almost typed fireworks and then deleted that so you can imagine the norton is kicking in

hugs — are you and f/o affectionate / open about your relationship in public?

ohhrhhghh god we got another person who holds pinkies but this time i think its because andrew gets pretty overwhelmed easily which doesnt help that im #goldenretreivermode sometimes on him so i like tackle hug him and kiss him bunches and he just kind of freezes. he doesnt HATE it or anything he just responds like that . i think theres definitely a couple times where he asks very quietly if he can kiss and i always say yes and half of the time he asks if i can close my eyes because "i can't handle the way you look at me like that" .

but once he kind of warms up and gets used to just...someone actively wanting to be physically affectionate i think he really really really really loves hugs. a good strong hug has him melting and gripping back like hes worried im going to get swept away in the wind. and it becomes something he actively starts seeking out way more and (!!!!!!) eventually its something he just kind of does. not really necessarily a hug but he does like wrap himself around one of my arms a lot of the time. especially when he asks for kisses.

but as for publicity. he would sooner die than have someone witnessing a very private and intimate moment like that. at MOST in public is a very tender hug after a tough match, especially if he really really needs it. but everything else is in the comfort of our own shared space

love letters — are they good at expressing how they feel? what’s their best way of letting you know they love you?

short answer: NAUR

long answer: hes really bad at getting to sort of the root of how he feels. he tends to layer everything he says with a sense of "but only if you feel the same and i understand if you dont, im a monster" so thankfully im kind of already aware that he does, in fact, love me.

his best way of actually relaying how he feels is moreso his actions, which is sooo its something considering hes really shy and cant even really bring himself to kiss but i guess i mean more like what he does outside of physical affection. i truly think his love language is acts of service and it kills me every time. :AGONY:

he lets you vent out frustrations, bodyblocking attacks to make sure youre safe, sewing things....the sewing especially gets me i think he likes doing it a lot and its one thing you especially notice when he starts taking a shine to you. i could assume a shirt is ruined for good only to find the next day its in pristine condition neatly folded in a little basket that has some bread because hes noticed i hadnt left to go to the eating hall in a while.

[iicheeze]

Heyo! I'd like to be called Kamody. I'd describe my personally as being quite upbeat and friendly, but I do know how to mellow out when the situation calls for it. I love singing which is good because I'm a professional choral singer for a local group. I'd have to say my hobby is reading/writing. I despise conflict in real life though. kinda funny huh? I thought it would be fun to make new friends in a unique way such as this. I hope someone finds me interesting enough to talk to. Sincerely, Kam

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　You have found a match! 　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Hello, Kamody. I'm pleased to see that there are other people like me who dislikes conflicts. Surely, it is nothing but a mess. No? Oh, and please, call me Al. I usually avoid idle chit - chat, but I can't help myself to participate in this event. As I find them nothing but a nuisance. I usually spend my time working, or just observing people. For my work, of course. However, there is a certain ‘ idol ’ in my nation that dances as ethereal as the gods, as artistic as that sounds, it quite is. But I don't mind hearing someone else sing, I'm sure your voice sounds beautiful.

I'm not sure myself if I have a hobby, I never really find the time for it. I guess you could say, journaling. Most of the time, I'd be reading books solely for its knowledge. However, sometimes when I find the time for it, I'd read some.. fairy tales. If you could say that. They're messy, incoherent, unreal, yet it somehow captivated me. Abnormal, isn't it? If you do write some stories, whether it be fictional or based of real experiences, I'd be more than happy to read it for you. After all, an author couldn't succeed without a little assistant.

Often times, I'd loathe to be in a presence of a certain ‘ upbeat ’ person that I call a roommate. But now that I have met some people who are similar to that, I don't mind, I guessed. You could say I always stand out, I'm like a salt in a sweet, delicious cake. Not a lot of people would interact with me, let alone be friends with me. I don't mind, I'm always occupied, anyways. But surely, I can make some more time now. I hope you for your next letter, Kam.

Sincerely, Al.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ Would you like to respond to this with another letter? ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

[thecollectionsof]

Hi bestie! Cranberry and lantern, for the fall asks?

hello hi bestie yes absolutely!!!

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

hair! i have red hair and let me tell you, the people at the grocery store who are starting to go grey notice hair color and texture like no other. it's always super sweet though, they tell stories of loved ones with red hair and normally they're smiling and we both walk away feeling nice!!!

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

i have told this story before but i will tell it for the rest of time. and buckle up because it's long and also fanfiction shit

(sorry bestie but i've already told this to you. so here's one for you: there was this super cool person who dmed me at midnight a few months ago saying that they liked my fic and we started chatting and never stopped... they're actually the best person ever i should go be a nuisance in their dms and the writing doc <3) (that's a threat btw buckle up for some bad song choices while i write)

i met my now best friend twice, but i didn't know it at the time.

hope was someone i passively knew at my small school, but she was someone i had never talked to. she had moved in at the very beginning of sixth grade, back in the times when kids were insecure and still fighting to find themselves. she was in a sort of “popular” group, but instead of it being nice and supportive they didn’t treat her right, and she was only in it because she was childhood friends with one of the most popular people in the group (at the time).

i, on the other hand, was not. i was in the queer group, but it’s not like we were bullied or anything. just kind of on the outskirts of things.

one day in eighth grade, i got tapped on the shoulder while i was leaving school. it was hope, brandishing a piece of paper, telling me that “hey, gi, this paper was in the hood of your hoodie” (not exactly that. but y'know, vibes)

She was scared it would fall out before I noticed it. She’s probably right—I’m super oblivious.

i didn’t read it until i had walked home. back then, i walked home every day with my sister and one of my good friends, so when i read the letter i tried to brainstorm who it could be with the two of them.

i promise not all hope (get it?) is lost for me because hope was one of the people i originally listed. but i didn’t know for sure so I just kinda… forgot? i stopped trying to guess who it was and focused more on writing to this person and creating a friendship with them.

this letter was nice and asked whether i’d like to become penpals with her. if i did, i was supposed to leave a letter underneath the podium on the stage, and she would pick it up from there and leave a reply in its place after that.

immediately, i noticed a couple things wrong about that: 

what if someone else takes it and reads it? i didn’t love that, letters can get quite personal quite quickly (at least when i write them)

how would i know to check for a response? how would she know when i’ve replied? it relied on a lot of chance and i’m much too anxious of a guy for that

so in my response, i told her that there would be a magnetic clip on my locker and to clip the letter to that. it wasn’t hard to find my locker: i had covered it in colored paper and decorated it for a club, and it was a very eye-catching pop of color compared to the slate lockers around it.

the next morning, i walked to the stage before the first bell had rung and pretended to drop the letter conveniently under the podium. i was a bit nervous, seeing as there were a few people milling about on the stage, but nobody seemed to have noticed so the letter was safe (for now)

she read the letter and responded, placing the response on my locker. she also added a green slip of construction paper to the clip, each side decorated. when passing a letter back and forth, we would flip to that person’s side of the paper to indicate that there was a letter for them.

we did this for months. writing letters, flipping the green paper, becoming friends through venting about drama and debates on the best (and worst) harry potter characters.

one day, i was being teased by my sister about not being able to draw a flower. think of a simple, five petal flower—i just couldn’t draw it. i practiced until i could, but during the process i wrote about it in the letter. i practiced on that letter, too. and hope thought it was so cute that we declared that the flower was now a special symbol for the letters: it was added to both sides of the green slip, we drew it when signing off letters, we even doodled it on the margins of worksheets, everything.

more time passes as fall turns to winter, and I’m still happily penpals with hope. I tell her everything, and we talk about how different it is in our respective social circles. her friends, or the people she hung out with at the time, weren’t great. i had to hear about how much they sucked, how they’d be stupid and cruel in the way that only early-teenagers can be and not do anything to help. she got to hear the joys of me questioning my identity, the exciting time in the queer group as people dated, had crushes on each other, and had falling outs. 

but one day, without warning, the letters… stop. i wrote a letter, nothing important but still with the excitement and novelty of writing a letter, but got no reply. radio silence. the worst part? i couldn’t even ask her why, because i had no idea who she was. eventually i just moved on, i guess. i stopped spending so much time and effort looking for hope, and i focused more on the friends i had in my group. i also focused on the people who were going to be around me in my choir class and on the eighth grade class trip, because I’m always down to make more friends.

guess who was both in my choir class and sat one seat ahead of me on the class trip tour bus? we got a lot closer on/after that trip.

there was no big reveal, no big defining moment. i just figured it out at some point after the trip, when the stories she told started to sound familiar and the handwriting looked a little too distinct. 

we still write letters back and forth now, but no longer under a pen name. our letters normally contain relationship stuff (on her end, mostly), things i want to complain about without my roommate overhearing, and me talking about drag race (fully knowing she’ll just skim that section, but it sure does feel nice to talk about it). she knows you all as “the gay people in my phone”, and she never ceases to make fun of me for being such a loser about drag race and tumblr (in between her pestering me to work on the fic i’m creating out of this story, because she wants to read it)

[pielplastica]

A little more of a year ago I tried to reconnect with you, because while cleaning my old room I found all the gifts that you gave me. They were on a shoe box, and the letters were inside of the Jojo's cup you gifted me. I put it aside and kept cleaning. At that moment I believe I was fired like 2 weeks ago and deep into a bad state of mind of me not having a direction with my life so I made the plan of applying to nurse school and work from there on out the rest of the plan, but I began with the simplests tasks, such as cleaning my room and changing it to the one who was my parent's.

After I finished up cleaning, I sat there and looked at the shoe box and decided to take a peek inside. I started reading the first letter you wrote to me. I started shaking and crying without realizing it until I couldn't see anything. The words you wrote hit me so hard I couldn't keep my cool in that moment. I felt devastated and so I sent you that message, without hoping for an answer. It was almost like if reading it reminded me of so much pain we were put through and it all came down like a punch in the gut.

A little more over a year ago I wanted to recconect with you to see if there was something that I could do to try and be a part of your life again, and I'm going to be honest, I did it with the intention of seeing if there was something we could save or try to save. I know you've been with him for 4 years now, but I just chose to ignore that back then and I am sorry for that. I'm sorry I tried to ruin your relationship.

Back then I was single, so there wasn't any guilt in me. I knew(know) I love(d) you and that I just wanted to see you again and maybe, just maybe, try to see if we could be again. I am sorry I wasn't clear with my intentions back then, but now I realize how wrong I was.

You put a barrier between us, and it hurt me because I was getting my hopes up that "maybe, just maybe..." and that is not your fault. I am at fault for being such a delusional person all the time and thinking there even was something to "save". That's why yesterday's response was so surprising to me and now I don't know what to think of it.

I'm not going to forget about you, never in my life. You are a part of me now, and I am grateful for it. But that barrier hurt so bad. And so I decided to give love the chance to shine again, and it worked.

Now I have a responsability with someone else, the same one you've had for 4 years now. I am new at loving again, but now I got to try and be the best person I can for her, and for me.

So now I wonder, why, M? Why did you responded back that December? You could've just ignored me. I know I started all of this, and I am being honest saying that I wanted you back, but I guess I'd like to know why did you replied that day, and more importantly, why didn't you wanted me to leave when you were the one who put the barrier? I am sorry for sounding so accusing and rude, but I don't know any other way on how to phrase this question. I just want to know what's the meaning behind all of this.

I kept writing because its my way of copping with what's going on with my life, and I am grateful you take the time ti read it even if it isn't about you. But you now know what my true intentions were back then and I'd like to know why you're still hanging around reading me.

I... I guess this is my way of asking if you think the same. That maybe back then, when I was single, there was any possibility of us getting back. Or if you're here just out of curiosity, or because you're worried about me, or because you feel that you owe that to me because of guilt. You don't owe me anything. You don't have to think that you are responsible for me or my actions. I don't want you to be here just because you feel obligated, I... I guess I just want to know if you wanted me back too...

[silaschamberlain]

Silas...dad,I don't know where I should begin, there is my whole life to account for and so much I still don't understand. Mom never truly spoke about you and all my questions in the past have been unanswered. I've only just now discovered where you are thanks to Jasmine. I want you to know if I had known sooner I would have reached out then. I've wanted to know you my entire life. I've spent years wondering what my life would have been like if I had been able to have you in it. Would things have turned out differently? Would I have been someone else? Would you? I don't think I believe in fate. I believe we have some control in it all. The choices we make determine the lives we live. I feel as if blaming fates absolves us of responsibility. I am tired of the choices others made for me affecting my life. So I'm writing you with no expectations. No motive or plan. But because it feels like a choice I can make for myself. A choice to attempt to know my father. Whoever he is. For better or worse. It's my choice. I like to think you'd understand that. I'd like to imagine that you would understand me. If you don't respond I'll take that as an answer to all my questions. I'll accept it the best I can. I'm afraid to inform you that I've hardly ever been one to accept a lack of answers. I usually find my own ways of finding the things I want to know. And I'd like to know you. I suppose I'll start first. I'm a historian and I was accepted into a few Ivy League schools. I ended up not going. It's a long story but it involves my mom and sister and somehow that ruined it for me. Maybe I'll explain more if you write back. I'm engaged. Probably not for much longer. I think it’s a mistake after everything that’s happened recently with my step father. With Poppy and the supreme. I had always wondered who would walk me down the aisle when I got married. But now that I've thought about it I think it's a pretty antiquated tradition. Cancelling would solve that ck drum anyway. I mean my stepdad he’s gone and you’re not here. It would have been a June wedding. I'm sure mom would plan it all for me if I let her. She has strong opinions. Usually knows what she's talking about. If I have any ideas of my own I let her think they’re hers. It’s smoother that way. I guess that might come off as manipulative. I just think it’s pragmatic. I’ve not told anyone these things. Perhaps it’s easier to tell you since I know nothing about you and you know nothing of me. Maybe I should try harder to curate some image and pretenses? But if I’m honest I’m not confident you’ll get this letter let alone respond. And its so draining to always be whatever everyone else expects. Before I ramble too much I should end with what I intended to do and ask about you. I’ve wondered if I had your nose or if you also think cilantro tastes like soap. Such mundane wondering for a life time of absence. I have also been curious, what magic did you end up with? I wonder if it's all random or has anything at all to do with genetics? I hope this letter is well received and that I will hear back from you. Your daughter, Briar-Rose.

My little princess,

It's been far too long, kiddo. How old are you now? Twenty-five? Thirty? I can't quite believe it. You're all grown up and I missed it. All thanks to that mother of yours. How is your mother by the way? I heard about the man she married. What was his name? Milo? Mick was it? Mickey? Mouse? It's a shame what happened to him. But, I also heard that your mother was never all too found of him anyway, so hopefully it wasn't too big of a loss.

You can call me dad by the way. I'd like that. I miss hearing your little voice call me dad. I don't know if you'd remember- you were only four when your mother took you away from me, but we used to stay up without her knowing. I'd read you stories and lift you up and fly you around the room. Tickle your little feet until you were laughing too loudly and then, there, Alyssa would be. I used to get in trouble for that a lot. Your mom never really knew how to have fun, did she? Either that or she just wanted to keep me from you even then. It's why I'm not all that surprised she's never spoken about me. Though she does check in from time to time. Did you know that? Had Mickey call the Correctional Facility once to check in, make sure I was still here and I think there might have been some request to cut back my phone service time or something of that regard. It was silly really. But, I want you to know that the time we lost was not out of me not wanting to see you or be apart of your life. You are my pride and joy.

Speaking of family, I'm so glad Jasmine found you. I knew she could do it. Like father, like daughter and now, my kids are reunited at last! My three baby girls. What I would give to see you all together. I assume Jasmine has talked about me? All good things, I hope and how is our newly appointed supreme? Is she hanging in there? Heavy is the head who wears the crown, I should know, but if anyone can carry on the Chamberlain mantel its the three of you. Well, four, if you count your brother. If only we could turn back time. Things would have been so different, little one. I could have helped you with your magic, shown you all of the potential that you have that you don't even know. We would have had so much fun together and I certainty would have never pushed you to marry someone that bland fiancé of yours. I'm sorry your mother kept you from going to school of your dreams, but don't be too hard on your sister and, if it helps, you don't need mortal school, little Rose. Not even an Ivy league can compete with what you were naturally given and what I can teach you out in the real world. Though, I do want to hear the story. What kept you from attending? Humor your old man. I certainty have a lot of free time now that I'm behind bars, which I hope doesn't scare you. Why I'm here is a long story in it of itself that I could tell you, if you'd like? The truth, that is? Feed that curious mind of yours?

My advice? Break off the engagement. He'll only hold you back and having your father walk you down the aisle isn't an antiquated tradition. One day I'd be honored to and there is nothing wrong with being pragmatic. Hold onto that trait and hold your own. Your mother is not that scary. But, let others continue to think your ideas are theirs. You may not get the instant gratification from it, but you'll go far if you remain quick on your feet like that. I also prefer this Briar. The one who chose to pick up a pen and write to their dear dad without pretenses and I hope she continues writing. I'd hate for the conversation to end here. So, I'll tell you what? Write back and I'll tell you all about my thoughts on cilantro and what abilities I have. What abilities did you develop by the way? I can let you know if we have any in common and what of your brother and sister? What abilities does Poppy have? I feel like I've been completely cut out of the three of your lives, but I'd like to change that if you'd let me.

Until next time,

- Dad