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commiemartyrshighschool · 6 years

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A Brief History of Ace Combat’s politics:

There’s spoilers and typos in this brief primer for the events of the Ace Combat games, but it’s worth a read in my biased opinion.

With the exception of one of the mobile games, Infinity, and Assault Horizon, the games all take place on a version of Earth fans have taken to calling Strangereal. Some of the continents and landforms are ones you’d recognize, and some of the oceans even have the same names. But the geopolitical landscape is entirely different.

The two big events that shaped the world happened in the 1990’s: The Belkan War and the Uylsses1994X04 Impact. The Belkan war was an attempt at expansion by a nationalistic state that’s reminiscent of Germany and saw it quickly overrun neighboring states before being pushed back by an international coalition that was spearheaded by the Osean Federation and the Union of Yuktobanian Republics. Osea is a US analogue, and Yuktobania is based on the USSR.

A mercenary air squadron, the Galm Team was responsible for many of the strategic victories over the Belkans, and the rapid reversal lead to Belkan high command nuking a series of cities to blunt an allied advance. This was the first use of nuclear weapons in history, and they were deployed mainly against Belka’s own civilian population. This shocking act failed to cause more than a mild delay, but it did lead to mass desertions on all sides and the formation of numerous terrorist groups.

Many of those groups included ace pilots from the allied nations, and Belkan weapons experts who were involved in the creation of advanced aircraft and super weapons like huge flying fortresses and the Sword of Excalibur, a powerful laser array. The most prominent of these groups called themselves A World With No Boundaries, and developed an anarchist ethos that saw the peace talks underway as futile and ineffective at preventing future conflict. They gained access to a secret ICBM silo and attempted to destroy every world capital simultaneously to reset society to “zero.” They were defeated, but many members escaped prosecution.

A purely Belkan group also went to ground, and formed a shadowy organization called The Grey Men. Their sole goal was vengeance, and they were very patient in their attempts to achieve it.

Around the same time, on the continent of Usea, numerous nations were planning to join together to create a continent spanning government to better counter super powers like Osea and Yuktobania. Unfortunately, significant elements from some nations in the South were opposed to the union, and were able to find sympathetic conservatives in the militaries of most other nations on the continent. They organized simultaneous coup de’tas on the morning of the signing ceremony. Mercenary air units and allied central government forces led a counterattack which quelled the rebellions, although they did in the end prevent unification. Instead the Usean Treaty Organization was founded to coordinate work between the continent’s governments.

As the war had raged, the rest of the world had been preparing for the arrival of Ulysses, an asteroid detected on a collision course for Earth in 1994. Many Belkan scientists found their services in high demand as countries scrambled to develop systems to defend against the asteroid.

Numerous railguns were constructed around the world, as were systems designed to redirect fragments away from populated areas. Rapidly built at the end of the Usean Continental war, a system known as “Stonehenge” was constructed in San Salvacion, a tiny nation with no standing military. Stonehenge consisted of a ring of high powered railguns with an unobstructed view of the sky right in the middle of the Usean continent, each paired with highly accurate targeting and tracking systems.

Stonehenge’s unique design wound up being particularly well suited to protecting against Ulysses, which wound up breaking apart as it entered the atmosphere. As a result, fragments rained down across the world, hitting many areas outside of the coverage of systems designed to prevent a single world ending event instead of numerous smaller impacts.

Among the hardest hit were areas that fell outside of Stonehenge’s cover in Usea, and the country of Estovokia, a small state on the Anean continent north of Yuktobania.

Erusea, one of the most powerful states on Usea, suffered a direct hit to hits capital city, rendering much of its downtown a flooded area with ruined skyscrapers poking out of the waves. In the wake of the impact, a fascist government took hold, and began closing its borders to refugees from other, worse afflicted areas despite UTO membership obligating it to do so. In response, widespread boycotts and sanctions by other Usean powers crippled the Erusean economy.

Backed into a corner, Erusea launched an all-out assault on the rest of the continent, seizing Stonehenge right away to establish almost continent wide air superiority in the first week. The militaries of the other UTO states reorganized into the Independent States Allied Forces, and ironically found themselves pushed back to the islands which had held the last holdout of the rebel forces just a few years before.

From there, thanks in large part to the efforts of the pilot Mobeius 1, the ISAF slowly re-established a foothold on the continent proper. The turning point came after a daring raid on Stonehenge where ISAF forces not only destroyed the installation, but also managed to shoot down a member of the now legendary Yellow Squadron, a seemingly invincible Erusean unit.

Eventually the Erusean capital fell, although holdouts would try to use the Megalith installation to redirect orbiting asteroid fragments towards ISAF units, and later capture a number of arms factories. Both attempts were foiled thanks largely to to Mobeius 1, and by the end of 2006 the continent was at peace.

That peace was largely global, although a mild cold war between Osea and Yuktobania did keep the arms industry innovating.

By the end of 2010, however, a series of incursions by drones and unmarked aircraft into both Osean and Yuktobanian airspace brought both countries to the brink of war. Yuktobania eventually declared war and launched a surprise attack on a key Osean harbor.

Both countries deployed super weapons in the opening days of the war. Yuktobania’s Hrimfaxi class super submarines were capable of launching sky-clearing burst missiles and deploying air forces from entirely unexpected locations. In response, Osea weaponized the Arkbird, a spaceplane originally built to host a G7 conference about bringing the world’s nations into the space age. The Arkbird’s global reach and powerful laser made it a capable counter to the Hrimfaxi. However, shortly after neutralizing the submarine, an explosive knocked the laser out of commission.

The leaders of both nations sought an end to the bloodshed, and plans were made to have a secret peace conference in the neutral country of North Point. Unfortunately, both disappeared en-route, which the second-in-command of both countries saw as reason to continue the war.

War Dog Squadron, a unit that had still been in training but saw action in the war’s opening days, made a name for itself in short order, but was accused of committing a war crime by attacking an engineering college shortly after Osean forces began their invasion of the Yuktobanian mainland. Recalled and put on trial, the War Dogs redeemed themselves after being sent to counter one of two retaliatory terrorist strikes on Osean civilians carried out by Yuktobanian commando units.

The squadron was sent back to the front, became something of a good luck charm for ground forces. Their reputation was furthered bolstered after they were sent to the arctic Razgriz Straits north of Anea to sink a second Hrmfaxi class sub. They became known as the Demons of Razgriz after their success, a name taken from a fairytale about a creature said to live in the straits but present whenever history undergoes a great change.

This unit would engage in numerous key battles and tipped the tide of the war in Osea’s favor, and were subsequently tasked with a flyover during a speech at a football stadium by the Vice-President. The VP’s speech was interrupted first by the gathered crowd, who broke out singing a pro-peace protest song, and by a Yuktobanian air unit attempting a decapitating strike.

Upon returning to their home base, the War Dog squadron was charged with treason and shot down while attempting to flee in trainer aircraft.

Shortly after that, a flight of black aircraft began making surgical strikes against both Yuktobanian and Osean forces. Bearing markings that labeled them the Razgriz Squadron, this mysterious unit engaged secret squadrons composed of Belkan aces that both Osea and Yuktobania had formed, and conducted operations in Belkan territory near the country’s uranium mines and the site of their nuclear strikes. They also engaged the Arkbird as it fell from orbit while in the hands of a terrorist organization.

They also played a key part in supporting a student uprising against the Yuktobanian government and were present on the aircraft carrier Kestrel when both the President and Premier re-emerged and denounced the Grey Men, a Belkan group that had installed itself in the governments of both nations and built up a sizeable military force of its own through ownership of Gründer Industries, Osea’s main military supplier.

Their announcement lead to a brief set of blue-on-blue engagements as Osean and Yuktobanian forces both dealt with competing orders from their commanders-in chief and the politicians they had been following for months.

In the end, Razgriz lead a combined Osean-Yuktobanian force on a secret tunnel running beneath the borders of Osea and Belka. They managed to destroy the control center for the SOLG, a massive orbital railgun Osea had abandoned building after the end of the Belkan War but which the Grey Men had completed in secret. Destruction of the control module led to the satellite being set on a collision course for Oured, the Osean capital. Razgriz managed to prevent the city’s destruction and also shoot down a final squadron of Grey Man fighters. What happened to them afterwards was classified.

Around 2015, Estovakia the country to which the Razgriz Straits belonged, emerged from a long asteroid precipitated civil war, with a militant faction victorious. They invaded their neighbors to the east, the Republic of Emmeria, and hoped to seize the prosperous nation’s resources for their own. They were eventually beaten back after initial success brought on by the use of Belkan technology in the form of a powerful flying fortress.

They engaged in a scorched earth policy in the final days of the war, attempting to use the Chandelier facility, a massive anti-asteroid railgun that had not been completed in time to prevent a disaster. A fairly short but devastating regional conflict, the Anean War also saw ancient artifacts and sloganizing play an unusually large part in enhancing the Emmerian fighting spirit.

In the 2020s, the technologically advanced nation of Aureilia in the south of the Osean continent was invaded by Leasath to the north on a pretense of promoting civil war in the neighboring nation. I don’t know much more about what happens there though, because it’s covered in a game that only came out on the PSP.

Ace Combat 7 will cover events in the mid 2020’s, I believe. It seems that at some point Osea built a space elevator, but that Erusea, which became a monarchy at some point after their defeats in the aughts, claims the land used for it as their own.

Ace Combat 3 actually takes place in the 2040’s, and involves AI and transhumanist terrorists, but the story was never translated for the versions released outside of Japan so that plot is also mysterious, although Gründer Industries becomes one of the world spanning corporations in the story.

#ace combat #politics #video games #history #anarchism #fascim #spoilers

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xluckytheninjax · 7 years

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Watch Dogs {2} - An OC

Wondered whether Watch Dogs OCs are a thing.And they are - there aren’t a lot of ‘em,but eyyyy.Thus,I threw my OC in the Watch Dogs world.I mixed it with some altered Need For Speed Undercover backstory because why not.I am aware NFS:U doesn’t take place in SF,but it does take place in a fictional area near a beach with big skyscrapers so yeah,moved it to SF. I personally love NFS:U,because well,not even two minutes into the game and I already have at least 6 police cars on my tail.Along with that,some South African background cause well….that’s my homeland.Pretty great hellhole over here.

Have a drawing {Don’t repost/remove all this writing/claim as your own/you know the drill} and some random BS I wrote down playing WD 1 and 2 at like 11 PM/midnight/1 AM over the weekend.

I am ready for anything,anyone that wants to bitch about this or argue about stuff.

This is obviously OC stuff,so if you dislike it,feel free to go look for another post or blog or whatever the hell you want to do.

I used a reference for the ‘pose’ {I wouldn’t call this a full-on pose,but -shrugs-}

Name ‘n’ surname: Kayla Horizon

Screenname/Hacker alias: N1nJ4 {Ninja}

Nicknames: Ninja,Kay,Lucky,Ghost

Age: 23 years old

Gender: Female,of course

Personality:

Stubborn

Cares a lot for her family,friends and workpals {who’re also friends}

Loyal to DedSec

Not easily influenced

Quiet

Overthinks everything

Sarcastic

Not easily intimidated {Or so she claims}

Happy with what her life is,even between all the stress and overthinking.

Has some trust issues.The type where she gets this feeling in her gut telling her whether a person can be trusted or not.She trusted her workpals immediately,she trusted Ray immediately…as an example of who she didn’t trust,Horatio’s co-worker.And she wasn’t even on that mission.

Usually keeps things that wouldn’t be important to the current objective(s)/mission(s) to herself

It’s a good thing her face is blurred out like the others’,cause she’s camera shy.She hates getting photos taken of her,she hates looking at the camera…unless of course,she’s the one taking a photo of scenery or of friends.If you’re gonna point a camera of any sort to her face,she will not hesitate to break it.

Very protective over the things and people she cares about.So,you wreck her car? You insult DedSec or target her pals? You mess with Sitara’s artwork? You kidnap other DedSec members? Mess with DedSec’s systems? You mess with her dog or drag her family into things you shouldn’t? You better start running then,pal.And make it fast.

Trained herself to not cry in front of people.It’s harder than it looks.Anger also gets bottled up.One day she’ll snap….probably.Then all chaos and hell will break loose.

Loses a lot of sleep thinking

Stresses over nothing

Introvert

Reckons anything can be solved by an asskicking

Takes her job seriously,but,in between she likes messing with people

Claims she doesn’t care,but she cares too much

Honesty,loyalty,respect and trust are big things to her.As explained before,she follows her gut on who to trust and who not.If you’re gonna betray DedSec,you might end up dead.Everybody lies,it’s human nature,but that’s where trust and loyalty comes in with honesty.The three walk hand in hand,really.Respect? You respect her,she respects you,as easy as that.

Might seem really confident,and she really does seem to be that way,but in reality,her self-esteem is pathetic

-Because she keeps a lot of things to herself,a lot of her personality remains a mystery.

{At least half of these are some of my personality traits}

Working for: DedSec,what did you expect? She was going to go work for those dumbass monkeys,or the rat cult? Pff,nah.

Hair color: Original hair color is dirty blonde Currently ombre:Brown - Dirty blonde - Blonde

Hair style: Long hair,shaved shorter on the right side.Leaving it loose or tying it in a ponytail or something depends on how she’s feeling,and whether it’s mission time or not.Can’t work if you’ve got hair in your face.

Eye color: “Not every day you see someone with heterochromia.” Left eye is blue,right eye is green

{My persona’s had this since she got created a million years back so obviously,no matter what universe she’s in,she’s always gonna have that.}

Height: 5'11

Piercings/Tattoos:

A lot of ear piercings on both sides,and a tongue piercing

A bunch of stars on her left wrist,a small 'x’ on top of her right wrist,and a ’=D’ on her back {right shoulder}

Scars and other skin-related things:

Huge scar through her left eye,and a small one through her lip on the right.There are some other faint scars here and there,nothing too major though.

Lots of freckles

Any other dayjob?: Works at a huge gaming store on some days {Every second day except for weekends}.It’s just a temporary job for now.She ended up applying for some programming job,like her parents wanted.Just waiting to hear back.

Romance?: Single,no crushes or anything of the sort. “Had to leave everyone behind since we moved here….went to uni,didn’t find anyone that’s my type…and some things that happened in the past leave me in this state where I am against romance I guess? Not like an abusive relationship or heartbreak or anything like that…just things I’m not gonna talk about.”

Cars:

-Personal car is the Ford Ranger truck she got ported in from home. It’s white with black decals and raptor kit.The thing’s a beast.

{Hope to drive one of these some day}

-Other car she keeps in the garage is the Lotus Elise she used to streetrace with.Purple with a white stripe down the middle.This thing is upgraded to the max {of course what garages can do,plus some things only a hacker can pull off}.Best part is,it doesn’t look like it belongs on the /shittycarmods subreddit.

{My NFS:U car on both PC and Playstation}

-During the day,while on missions,she has some randomass car/truck/four wheeler/motorbike she 'borrows’ or the one car she’s been putting some DedSec decals on {Sitara’s design,of course}….Then there’s the DedSec police cruiser too.

{While playing I prefer chopper bikes,the DedSec police cruiser,this car that looks like a Mustang and the movie car the bunch stole}

Pets: She has a Great Dane named Trompie.Her parents watch the dog during the day {or night depending on missions} and if she has to stay at the Hackerspace/work on missions all day,she takes him along.He behaves,and doesn’t annoy anyone…unless he sits on the couch.He’s got his own little space,with food,water and a blanket to sit on,plus newspapers.Even got toys.He’s 7 months old,and like his owner,he has heterochromia.The name’s Afrikaans,since well,can’t forget your roots,can ya? Wears a DedSec bandana over his collar.Pretty smart,but he has a thing for chasing after the drones and little RC rovers.Was not a big fan of Wrench Jr.

It took a few weeks for Wrench to get used to the dog.He didn’t even notice it until it was lazing on the couch next to Mickey while she was working.It was a scene to experience.

He doesn’t go along on missions for obvious reasons {Micks doesn’t want him to get hurt/killed…and she’s pretty sure he’d be in the way…or set off an explosive or something}.

{-shrugs- One of the best parts of Watch Dogs 2 is being able to pet the dogs.}

Some history: Born South African,moved to San Francisco.Parents also in SF,while sister moved to South Korea with a friend.Been living there for 5 years.Hacking’s been a big hobby since she was younger.She kept it a secret from her parents,to avoid being lectured and banned from her computer.Big gamer since she was a teenager.Became an intern at a police station while still at university.It doesn’t make sense why an IT student would decide on working at a police station,but eyyy,whatever.Got promoted for solving some huge computer related cases through hacking.Two years back she was called to investigate something not even closely related to hacking computers.They reckoned she would be able to handle it.Went undercover.Had to take on dangerous 'jobs’ and compete in races in order to infiltrate and take down a ruthless international crime smuggling syndicate, consisting of illegal street racers and car thieves.She ended up leaving her temporary job because of the amount of times the police chased after her for street racing,resisting arrest and all the property damage.Y'know,going too deep undercover.Wrecked a lot of cars,got rid of a lot of thugs,hacked a lot cameras,streetlights and other things to finish her job and to get away.After that was over,she made sure to erase all of that off her profile on the ctOS database.Had to do a lot of things,a lot of dangerous things,to get noticed by DedSec,and eventually got in.It wasn’t really necesary that she put her life in danger like that,but she did anyway.Go big or go home…I won’t go much into detail about that because I haven’t thought as far.

{This mess….I’ll fix eventually.It’s random,it doesn’t make sense,it isn’t how real life works,but whatever.}

Clothing {aka rambles about clothes}:

Has a variety of beanies,snapbacks and caps

Has one pair of sunglasses,aviators,as the rest got broken

She wears glasses,unless out on missions

Has a lot of t-shirts and hoodies

Has a fair amount of long sleeved shirts

Has a lot of jeans,shorts and sweatpants

Owns a few pairs of sneakers and track-shoes,and two pairs of combat boots

Has a few bandannas/masks

Has literally one fancy shirt she wears with a vest,bowtie,black pants and sneakers

Went to Swelter Skelter as some sort of glow in the dark Matryoshka-fied skeleton

Doesn’t wear any jewelry apart from her piercings and some random bracelets

Carries a shoulder bag which is clearly bigger on the inside {otherwise,how would you fit a laptop,drone,RC rover,and some other stuff in there?} With some badges and Dedsec decals

Hoodies are 60% of the time oversized

PJs are a random t-shirt and boardshorts {Onesie in the winter over that}

Has a hoodie that says 'Ghost’ and '07’ on the back {Aka my favorite Mystery skulls song and lucky number}

Random shiz: And this is the part where those who hate self-insert but still decided on reading should go to another post.This is where stuff gets worse {Not angsty worse…Just more self-inserty}.This is also where stuff starts making less and less sense since this is where I went sleep-deprived mode {1AM-2AM writing hour}

Main hangout is the main Hackerspace from the game.Second being the Silicon Valley one.

Has gone on some missions with Marcus {the ones where multiple things need to be done or where it’s going to take more than one person to do,but it’s only one thing that needs to be stolen/hacked}.

When looked at with the profiler her profile says

ctOS.exe has stopped responding

Memes 'n Dreams

How 'bout nah

Also does the parkouring,climbing high buildings and messing with cranes

Likes the skeleton Dedsec paint on her cars/motorbikes

Almost shot Lenni quite a few times - too many witnesses stopped her from doing so

Finds it entertaining to help Wrench {he’s a really amusing guy to be around,alright?}

Graffiti is great

Reckons a 'Josh protection squad’ should be made {Don’t harass him,pls}

Went on a mini murder and cop-calling spree after the Tezcas killed Horatio.Also caused a lot of fights between gangs to try wiping them out

Sees Ray as some sort of cool hippie uncle

Doesn’t smoke but always has a lighter to set stuff on fire if needed

Named her drone and rover she printed.Harvey for the rover and Zippy for the drone.Why,you might ask? Why not? Their names are painted on the sides of them.

“There’s another reason I get called Ninja.It’s not just the screenname.“

Sneaking/Stealth skill +100

Parkour skill +90

Agility +87

Speed +85

Martial arts and self defence +90

Even with skill,she’s really damn clumsy

Is sometimes going out on missions instead of Marcus,if Marcus needs to rest or recover.Goes on own little side missions as well

"First day on the damn job and I get my hoodie stolen by my workpal.”

When out on missions during the day,she wears a range of shirts/hoodies.On nightly missions she wears all black.

Weapons of choice are:

*Stungun

*SVD/other snipers {Including the Stun sniper}

*Shotguns

*Baseball bat

*Knives,especially flip knives

When hanging out at the Hackerspace {with nothing else to do} she’s sitting with her laptop or working on a PC.Either hacking,working stuff out,or searching useful stuff.

Her phone has a little charm hanging on the side.It’s a mini Deadpool logo

Always there to lend a hand

While she has told the others about the street racing stuff after first joining,she literally never talked about it again, hoping they’d forget

Isn’t one for cursing too much,but in some situations it’s needed to calm a person down…will not hesitate to swear in another language.

Fingerguns

Doesn’t drink coffee or tea,or hot chocolate.She drinks soda,lots of water,energy drinks from time to time {very seldom} and that’s about it.

Pepsi lover

Always carries one of her flip knives with her.

Hates alcohol,smoking and drugs.Thus,she doesn’t drink at all,she has never smoked,never done drugs or vaping or anything of the sort.

Never reveals location of her house or her parents’. Usually kills the cameras temporarily in the area when she’s driving home.

Night owl/always exhausted pigeon

Summer/Autumn person

Likes fire and setting things on fire {Do you know how great it is to set gangs’ supplies ablaze just to spite them?}

Also a fan of explosives.Don’t give her any though….she’ll probably blow stuff up she’s not supposed to.

Not that good a swimmer.She can swim well enough to keep herself from sinking,but she ain’t no olympic medallist.

Likes camping

Probably became part of the team a bit before our boy Marcus.A few weeks before,probably. {-dives behind barricade-}

Dislikes needles of any sorts….and thus,not a big fan of hospitals

References to movies/games/songs and puns 100%

Loves animals,and pets every single dog she can

Doesn’t have the cleanest resume.Street racing,property damage,murder,hacking,breaking into private property,stealing {data,high-tech weapons,etc},car theft,resisting arrest,the list goes on.

Wishes grappling hooks were actually a thing {simlar to those of JC3 or spy movies}

Loves Deadpool

Always has earphones in the ears if not listening to others talk or on missions,and still hears everything she’s supposed to around her. {I own this skill,so it ain’t impossible}

Loving the zombie apocalypse/post apocalyptic stuff

Loves drawing,that’s why graffiti is also great

While she dresses like a hipster/geek {with some badass Dedsec stuff in between} most of the time,she’s an emo/punk soul.

Can’t dance to save her life

Reckons that her haircut is shit,and that it’s the product from getting drunk with friends.Thus,the hate for alcohol grows stronger

Likes Vaperwave and Retrowave stuff

Avoids clubs of any sort

Mosquito magnet

Can program and reprogram a lot of things,such as robots,drones,hell,if she tries hard enough she might be able to do the same to cars,but building/rebuilding/re-engineering things…that’s difficult.The only building related skill she has is upgrading and modding her drone and RC rover,along with fixing up/upgrading/modding cars.

Learned a lot about cars while undercover.

Did some graffiti work for Sitara.Got a badass galaxy DedSec design on the side of some building.

Was very disturbed when that whole thing with the DedSec parody and strip club owner went down.Almost had a heart attack when Marcus told the bunch that the Bratva threw him in the trunk of a car that’s in the process of being crushed.

{My actual reaction to the No Compromise DLC}

When threatening people {Bad people,'course} she likes saying that she’s going to snap the person like a stick

House isn’t as big a mess as one would think {Compared to Ray’s old place/the silo and the motel room where Aiden lived before it got blown up}.The hacking related things,such as her computer,laptop,at least nine monitors,a ton of harddrives,etc,are in her room,and there’s no sign of anything of the sort outside of that.

Parents still oblivious,still don’t know she’s a hacker,still don’t know about her street racing ways.She prefers it that way….that’s why nobody sees the garage or bedroom.

Not a fan of attention,would rather keep a low profile and let her workpals get the fame.But of course,when there’s some bad stuff on DedSec,she won’t be afraid to show off her opinion and stick with the others

It’s great being sometimes-partners with Marcus

It’s also great going off on missions on your own

“Screw you,you son of a bitch.”

*Proceeds to flip person off as it’s the worst she’ll do before it switches to violence and knife threats*

“Viva La Resistance/Rebellion” in a really bad French accent

“You see this knife? It’s my knife. What I’m gonna do with it? Shove it down your throat if you don’t shut the hell up.”

“The name’s Dead Inside.How ya doin’?”

“You look like a terrorist.”

“I promise you,I am NOT a terrorist.”

“What are you then?”

“A ninja.”

“Are you some kind of weirdass goth person?”

“Nin-ja.”

She has abandonment issues,that’s why she prefers doing missions solo.Means she can’t lose anyone while on missions or get betrayed/left behind.

{Hm,guess who has those}

#whelp it's after midnight #won't be able to post the fallout stuff #got distracted with the new additions to my potted plants #it's a venus flytrap #and another lil cactus #watch dogs #watch dogs 2

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needsmoresarcasm · 7 years

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The Definitive Totally Objective Ranking of Every One Direction Song

As the title says, this is a totally objective and absolutely not biased in any way* ranking of every 1D song recorded. Except like, not remixes or covers because that’s the line I drew in the sand and I’m sticking to it. I mean, it’s still ninety damn songs, so like, there’s enough there there. Anyway, let’s get to it. (Also, as a note, as always, I kinda view language as an impressionist painter would... up close these words might not mean anything, but if you take a step back the general feeling should be there.)

*I am lying.

90. Little Black Dress

1D has a pretty serious discography at this point. Five albums, all ridiculously overstuffed with deluxe, Target-exclusive, Japanese B-sides that must be collected by depositing $20 into the eager gullet of your nearest Sony executive. So like there’s a lot of songs. And not all of them are gems. So being last is a truly impressive feat of strength. But here “Little Black Dress” is. Little Black Dress is just a wall of noise. It’s a rock song written by someone whose only point of reference is a Kidz Bop cover album of the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack and then was recorded using GarageBand on a laptop in the middle of a construction site. It’s a truly meritless sonic attack, devoid of personality or melody. The best thing about it is that it clocks in at a mercifully brief 2:37.

89. Nobody Compares

Find Liam Payne in this song. Oh, what, you can’t? Because he’s literally not there? Like, at all? Like, not even kinda mixed in to the back of the chorus somewhere? Huh. Funny. Now on a totally unrelated point, Nobody Compares is a trash garbage dumpster fire.

88. Something Great

You see, the thing about Something Great is that it really shouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

87. Gotta Be You

You know how I know there must be like mystical forces behind the power of 1D? They released this as their second single and the world didn’t immediately throw them into the abyss. A lot of 1D’s ballads are boring, but Gotta Be You is special because it is somehow both boring and also has one of the most grating choruses ever crafted. And most of Up All Night is shoddily produced, but it’s real noticeable on parts of Gotta Be You (see the very beginning of the second verse). And then they released a “US 2012″ version that is the exact same thing??? Except like Liam resang the line about making a mess on your innocence. BECAUSE REASONS.

86. Taken

Try singing Demi Lovato’s “Skyscraper” over “Taken.” It’s easy. Because they’re the same song. Except Skyscraper is significantly better. Taken is what happens when you ask the writers of Skyscraper to rewrite Skyscraper, except this time use even more cliches and make sure that there’s no discernible build anywhere in the entire song. It doesn’t help that the children singing are not actually very good at singing at this point. Like, Zayn whiffs at the beginning of the bridge. On the studio version. And I feel like that’s all that needs to be said, really.

85. Little Things

One Direction have a bad history with second singles. And Little Things is no difference. First, it is written by Ed Sheeran and like, every single one of them sounds like they’re trying to do their best Ed Sheeran impression. And none of them are great at it. Next, the lyrics are aggressively bad. No one should ever be forced to say any of the words that Harry and Liam are forced to say on this song. It’s a crime. But mostly, it’s the worst type of acoustic college dudebro song that should be banished forever from polite society, for the benefit of everyone who isn’t a nineteen year old white dude that’s finding himself.

84. Once In A Lifetime

With the pacing of a funeral dirge and the personality of your local DMV, Once In A Lifetime is a true stunner. I don’t know if the soft acoustic guitar or the barely audible whisper on all the vocals is more innovative, but man is this song exciting. At least, again, they seem to be fully aware of their worst songs and end this one after 2:38.

83. Night Changes

Was this a second single? I don’t remember. It sounds like a second single though. It’s got all the hallmark points of one: indistinct ballad, saccharine lyrics, and like the Glade plug-in air of romance to it. But Night Changes also manages to have the worst 1D music video as well. A video where they decided it’d be a good idea to split everyone up and then not have any of the hyena children antics. I call a do-over.

82. Spaces

Have you picked up on the theme of terrible 1D songs yet? It’s faceless ballads that would be better suited playing on repeat in my own personal hell than on a One Direction album. Like, if you’re gonna make a ballad as a vocal group, then at least serve me some lush harmonies to bask in. And like, the reason Spaces is better than all the ones before it is because it does that for exactly .5 seconds after the bridge when the beat drops out and there’s a delicious “oh spaces between us.” So thanks, Spaces, for not being totally worthless.

81. Same Mistakes

The only surprising thing about Same Mistakes is that it was not written and produced by Ryan Tedder.

80. Infinity

Honestly, I’m shocked that Infinity wasn’t the second single off of Made in the A.M. because it sounds exactly like it should’ve been. And like, comparing Infinity to Gotta Be You shows just how much better they got at singing and how much better their producers got at producing their voices. But like, it’s still a boring song, Jan, with a particularly bland chorus.

79. Temporary Fix

Temporary Fix is kinda the spiritual successor to No Control. But just like, much worse. The vocal tones are all poorly matched and both verses end up sounding like total messes. The chorus sounds like it might be interesting, but then quickly dissolves into a puddle of adult contemporary insipidness. And like, it’s just a lot of overproduced noise.

78. Illusion

This might be the worst chorus in 1D’s discography. It has actively mundane lyrics and sounds like the worst kind of Disney channel original movie song reject. It’s melodically repetitive and also hookless, a combination that defies sense. But like, the verses kinda bop, so the song isn’t the worst ever.

77. Home

So like, if I’m being real honest, I heard Home for the first (?) time when writing this list. And... I can’t say I’m ever going to be hearing it again. Harry’s falsetto is not a good sound here. The entire instrumental is a plodding disaster. The song sounds the exact same the entire time, but it also sounds like they stitched four separate songs together at the last minute. And how it manages to be both disjointed and boring is beyond me. But like, yikes.

76. Another World

Okay, so, objectively Another World is a terrible song. It kinda sounds like a song that would be playing in the background on a Japanese commercial for like some chocolate snack. And it also sounds like it was produced using only the preloaded Casio beats. But otherwise, it’s a hilarious relic from One Direction, a band that released B-sides in the year of our lord 2012.

75. Right Now

Oh, Right Now. What could’ve been. I actually quite like Right Now as a song. It hits that plaintive vibe pretty well. It builds well. It’s kinda an ideal pop midtempo song. But all the vocals on the studio version are tragic. (The live performances are significantly better. Which is not a thing I say about One Direction songs, ever.) Louis sounds like he’s both singing through his nose and chewing on sandpaper. Niall digs in to the most grating parts of his tone. Zayn’s falsetto sounds paper thin. Liam is barely hanging on to some of those higher notes. And, like, Harry actually acquits himself of the mess pretty well. But come. on.

74. I Wish

At this point, I harbor no resentment for any of these songs. But like, this song is just total album filler. It’s the most nothing a song could nothing. You could’ve replaced this song with any other song from any other artist on any other album and no one would’ve noticed. Because it’s the equivalent of the raspberry jelly beans in a packet of Jelly Bellies. Like fine, but no one’s looking out for it.

73. Stand Up

“Oh oh oh oh / so put your hands up / oh oh oh oh / cause it’s a stand up / and i won’t be leaving till i finish stealing every piece of your heart” is the greatest chorus written in the history of music. This song is a masterpiece, whose chorus is somehow dwarfed by the bridge: “And I will steal us a car / and we will drive to the stars / I will give you the moon / it’s the least I can do / if you give me the chance” where “chance” and “do” are written as a rhyme???? And then “I’m a thief / i’m a thief / i’m only here / i’m a thief / i’m a thief / because you stole my heart.” GOD, I should’ve ranked this song way higher. I regret this already.

72. Midnight Memories

Oh, Midnight Memories. The album where One Direction decided that they weren’t going to deliver pure pop jam after pure pop jam and were instead going to give me subpar rehashes of dated rock songs and modern folk tunes. Great. And like, Midnight Memories is probably the least inspired of all the subpar rock rehashes. But like, at least it gave us the fun anecdote about having the lyrics originally be “I love KFC,” which I think could’ve made for a deeper, more contemplative song, tbh.

71. Na Na Na

It’s another lovely B-Side, and you can tell once again by its middle school music project-level production quality (and the fact that Liam sings basically the whole song, the other stalwart pillar of 1D B-sides). And, as the great William Shakespeare once said, they were like na na na, then they were like yeah yeah yeah. But wait, here’s the twist, then they went na na na. I know, it’s really quite an emotional rollercoaster.

70. Diana

Basically all that stuff I said about Midnight Memories, again. Except this time about The Police. At least this has some fun 80s pop-style synth going on.

69. Love You Goodbye

Liam serves some serious vocals on the opening of this song. And honestly, that’s the entire reason this has managed to escape the lower echelon of this ranking. Because this is every bit as insipid as Infinity, except at least this kind of leans into it with the snare drum and the overly dramatic strings.

68. Happily

Oh hey, it’s the other type of song on Midnight Memories that drives me up the wall. I think when it first came out I called it Mumfordian riff raff, and that’s basically what I’m gonna stick with. It’s Mumfordian riff raff. And not a particularly good iteration of it. So, like, what’s the point. If you’re gonna trend hop, at least do it well.

67. Stockholm Syndrome

I really, really love Everybody Wants To Rule The World.

66. Why Don’t We Go There

This song might be incredibly generic, but it’s also great to just blast while driving down some empty highway that I have heard exists in places that are not Los Angeles. There are fun little oohs throughout the song, and so I can mostly overlook the fact that most of the instrumental to the song sounds like it was lifted out of the beginner level of a knock off Guitar Hero that couldn’t get licenses for any actual song.

65. Still The One

The Take Me Home bonus tracks are all certifiable jams. They’re hilarious and cheesy, but like unapologetically fun and totally unpretentious. No one told any of these tracks that they weren’t cool, so they just all do their own terrible Carlton dance in the street without apprehension. It’s beautiful. Still The One is bouncy and energetic and it doesn’t care that Niall and Louis definitely cannot hit the low note it asks them to because it’s just as certain as I am that no one ever listens to these songs. And that’s beautiful.

64. Ready To Run

The chorus of Ready To Run has the line “escape from the city” in it, which obligates me to mention the best video game song of all time: City Escape from Sonic Adventure Battle Fight Club 2: 2 Fast 2 Sonic. It’s not relevant to the song or this ranking, but do yourself a favor and jam out to it. Ready To Run is no City Escape, but it’s got some solid vocals and the lameness of the chorus doesn’t offend my core.

63. Magic

Another pop perfection Take Me Home bonus track that never should have made it out for public consumption but somehow managed to sneak out and thank god for it. I want someone to hunt Harry Styles down and ask him to sing this song. Do you think any of them even remember that this song exists? If you played this song for them, would they have any recollection of recording it? Does this song even exist?

62. Walking In The Wind

Not to state the obvious, but this song is just wonderfully light and breezy. Louis’s verse is impeccably delivered and the song manages to draw a more resonant sound out of his voice than usual. And that would elevate the song even higher if the bridge didn’t sound so horrifically strained the whole time. But you know, you can only have so many wins in one song.

61. A.M.

A.M. isn’t great, but its placing at the end of their last album is one of their better tracklisting calls. Everyone shows up to play vocally and the choruses have some well crafted vocal arrangements. It’s simple. And it feels like a somewhat dignified send off for the band. I don’t know. I’m not made of stone, people.

60. Truly Madly Deeply

Once I got over the fact that this wasn’t going to be a Savage Garden cover, I appreciated Truly Madly Deeply for just really going all in on the sappiness. (Really though, these Take Me Home bonus tracks feel like they were all imagined for a different band. A better band. A band that would be fueled solely by the hopes and dreams of the innocent.) It’s all just such a wonderfully boyband-y affair.

59. Irresistible

Listen, the video I had to watch in order to listen to this song had an annotation that said “PLEASE READ MY HARRY FANFIC ON WATTPAD” and I feel like that really sums up the essence of this song better than I can. It’s Jamie asking people watching her youtube video in 2012 to please read her Harry fanfic on Wattpad. And like, there’s a unique charm to that.

58. I Want To Write You A Song

The difference in the vocals from their early ballads to this song is ridiculously stark. Like comparing this to Taken sounds like two entirely different groups of people. Those verses are just like a wonderful, rich, warm honey. (... we’ll just ignore the chorus.) But just like, don’t pay attention to the sound of the pencil writing in the background because once you hear it, you’ll never unhear it. *glass shatters* Oh, uh, sorry?

57. No Control

No Control is here solely on the shoulders of one of the best fanworks ever created. Do yourself a favor and watch it.

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56. Story Of My Life

Here’s another 1D foray into the seedy underworld of the Lumineers & friends. It’s not the worst thing ever, and like, it smashed pretty hard so at least it has that going for it. And the music video is pretty great, like gj Ben Winston. But also the radio version for this song cut out Liam’s part in the second verse and I’m forever angry and bitter about it, because that’s the best part of the song. ... huh, do I even like this song? I feel like maybe I am learning that this should’ve been ranked ~20 spots lower.

55. Best Song Ever

This basically sounds like all their other lead singles, so let’s not waste any time talking about it as a song. (That’s not entirely true, it’s the only song where I am actively anxious about Liam whiffing a note.) Instead, let’s talk about the amazing music video it produced that actually forced all of them to “act.” And like, just do ridiculous things generally. And made it abundantly clear that they’re somehow the most boyband-y boyband to ever boyband but also totally unfit to do anything a boyband does. It’s a theatrical masterpiece that should’ve been eligible in the short film category of the Oscars.

54. End Of The Day

I remain convinced that End of the Day was two separate songs that they merged into one. Because the verses and choruses are totally unrelated to each other. But I’m okay with that, because both halves are great. And so it might not be a Reese’s Cup where two things blend together to make an even greater whole, it’s at least a tub of Neapolitan ice cream where the separate parts are delicious and don’t detract from each other. Am I hungry? I might be hungry.

53. Act My Age

If you were in Portland and walked into an Irish pub at like 1:45AM and then just started yelling, you would probably end up composing Act My Age. Like it’s just a lot of yelling, and there isn’t a whole lot of musicality happening. And I’m not entirely sure at any point during the creation of this song did anyone stop and think, “is this a good idea?” But like, that’s the point. That’s the whole point. And if you can’t appreciate a little sloppy fun, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone to a pub at 1:45 AM. That seems like it’s on you.

52. I Want

THIS IS GREAT. Because this is totally the “rock” song on Up All Night. And just typing that sentence out is hilarious to me. It’s very baby’s-first-rock-song, and there’s a real charm about that. But the best part of I Want is the staging of the live performances during their first tour. The ridiculous dinner party set up and all of them dressing up in formal-ish wear and like the ridiculous video they played. It was wonderful. They should’ve kept doing that.

51. Hey Angel

Much like A.M., Hey Angel on its own is not that great of a song. But also like A.M., its placement on the album makes it so much better. It’s kind of the perfect album opener for Made in the AM. It’s got that super lush instrumental opening and those epic layered backing vocals throughout. It’s like their producers said, “hey, we learned how to do our job and now we’re going to show it all off at once.” And then they did. It establishes the slightly-more-grown-up pop sound that MITAM just nails.

50. You & I

The chorus of You & I embodies the sweeping pseudo-romance that every sappy pop ballad attempts to be. And like, man does You & I really nail it. It soars just enough to make me almost forget some of the downright terrifying body horror-level of animorphs shit that the music video wrought upon my eyes. Also like, Zayn goes off at the end of the song, and not just on the high note. He hits some of his best runs on those adlibs and it’s money.

49. Loved You First

God. Take Me Home is a great album. Even the forgettable bonus tracks are pure pop perfection. They just like dig their elbows all the way into the soft bubblegum beats that have been churned out of some faceless stainless steel factory just for them. And it just carves out that perfect One Direction niche, a pop sound so ubiquitous that literally no one else even comes close to it.

48. Rock Me

“Do you remember summer ‘09,” One Direction asks me. Oh yes, summer ‘09, when Harry Styles was 15 and like, I don’t know, doing trigonometry homework? Maybe Louis was like, hanging out with his buddies at Starbucks drinking those coffee-free Frappuccinos? There were probably lots of cartoons involved? Come on, kids, I hope to god that was not the “best time of your life.” During summer ‘09, I was being an adult and obsessively following Twitter updates of the tour of a reality singing TV show competition. Get on my level. (This song is great and I love it for letting Niall and Liam take lead on the chorus / refrain.)

47. Live While We’re Young

I gotta say, I am surprised at how much I like Live While We’re Young. I kind of always assume it’s boring when I think about it. But then I listen to it, and Zayn is telling me that we’ll keep doing what we do, just pretending that we’re cool, and I am inspired all over again. The song is just like distilled energy, and all the vocals are so crisp and poppy and the guitar is bouncing the whole time, and I just like- someone give me an inflatable banana to hit Liam Payne with.

46. Everything About You

This song is almost painful for me to listen to because it reminds me of the EURODANCE TRASH POP BAND THAT COULD’VE BEEN. The entire song is great, but during the breakdown, when they pull out the beat, and then bring it back in, and then there are those fire falsetto adlibs. God, this song is so slick and brilliant, and they could’ve gone down this path. In another timeline, they went down this path.

45. Strong

This song gets some points just for giving me some of Liam’s lower register (even if it’s approximately six notes total). That’s the real crime of One Direction, ignoring Liam’s incredible lower register. I’m all here for a ballad that you can kinda just scream along to in the shower, and that’s what Strong gives me. It’s a great hairbrush song (I say, as a person who does not own a hairbrush).

44. Steal My Girl

That opening piano for Steal My Girl is iconic. Or like, it should be iconic. Every set from every pop star ever should start with that intro. If that doesn’t get you hyped, nothing does. Like you just know whatever comes next is going to deliver. And, like, Steal My Girl kind of delivers after that. It’s not a total let down. And it gave us Anna Kendrick throwing down with John Krasinski while wearing a shirt silkscreened with a picture of Emily Blunt.

43. She’s Not Afraid

Wow, no song has ever said party on a beach quite like this one. I don’t entirely know what it is, but it’s undeniably beach-y. And like, this is not a song concerned with petty things like moderation or dynamics, it’s all about just going as hard as possible for one hundred and ninety seconds and I could not be more down for that ride. It’s also a song that manages to preserve and utilize Harry’s tone nearly perfectly in that first verse and then gives me Liam harmonizing with himself in one of the most pleasing symphonic moments of 1D’s discography.

42. Last First Kiss

There’s something incredible simplistic about the writing of Last First Kiss, which is unsurprising given that it’s one of the first songs that the 1D members had any actual writing input on. But it’s also really sweet and heartwarming in its simplicity. And sure, I’d rather just like send that second verse into a void, but there’s some real magic happening in the choruses. And that breakdown is just gooey falsetto candy.

41. If I Could Fly

Let me start off by saying that If I Could Fly is a bad song. Everything about it is super boring and bland and I mostly want to never listen to it. But, like, it’s also the single best vocal arrangement on any One Direction song ever. Which puts me in a bind when ranking it. So we’ve ended up solidly in the middle. Because man, for as much as I am bored by the song, the vocal arrangement and production are incredible. First, both Louis and Niall give their best vocal performances on this song. Louis gets to really tap into the natural rasp of his voice in a way that’s lovely and warm. And Niall’s voice has a richness to it that I wasn’t aware it was capable of. But then in the way the harmonies build throughout the choruses, and the way the lines switch back and forth between each person. And then the trade offs at the bridge and in the breakdown. It’s absurdly well put together, and thoughtful and it makes this group seem like an actual vocal band. But like, the song is aural Lunesta.

40. Alive

There’s an audacity to this song that absolutely should not work, but somehow does. Like, this is not a sound that works for One Direction, but through sheer force of conviction, they’ve managed to pull off this one song. Liam alone goes through like nineteen different vocal tones as he shifts from grit to rock to breathy to smooth. It’s a song that sort of bounces off all surfaces when it blares through speakers and just vibrates through your body. And somehow it goes through this journey in under three minutes.

39. Fool’s Gold

Fool’s Gold feels like it’s just gliding along the clouds bathed in sunlight the entire time. I get that it’s lyrically kind of sad and desperate, but it sounds so goddamn sweet and romantic and for a song about fool’s gold, maybe that’s fitting. The verses twist and turn effortlessly, and the choruses are just pure vocal bombast. And all of it comes together in a digestible caramel-filled truffle of pure bliss.

38. Save You Tonight

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37. Clouds

This song is like a shot of adrenaline straight into the bloodstream. It constantly drives forward with overblown production and effects everywhere and at one point I’m pretty sure they just dump the song into the middle of a Star Trek soundboard and go to town. And I’m totally okay with all of that because adding a few caffeine pills to Four is only ever going to be a good thing.

36. Summer Love

I also kind of hate Summer Love. It’s incredibly treacly and the bad kind of cheesy. And honestly, the studio version is mostly terrible. But the live performances of the song throughout the Take Me Home tour are everything. And the song that gave me Liam belting out and then harmonizing with Zayn in one of the most impressive displays of vocal ability in 1D history needs to get some credit. Just like, be impressed with me.

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35. I Should’ve Kissed You

I have a lot of true pop trash favorites from One Direction’s discography, but I think I Should’ve Kissed You is my absolute trash favorite. It’s the stupidest of their B-Sides, and thus the best one. Like, Liam and Harry do this fun back and forth on the first prechorus and then Liam and Zayn do it on the second prechorus, and I’m just really here for any song that makes it sound like they’re singing to each other about their eyes. This is an absurdly fun song and if you haven’t heard it because you don’t live for B-Sides released six years ago, then you should hunt it down immediately because it will transform your life. It’ll be like the Giver, you’ll see colors and shit that you didn’t know existed. (That was The Giver, right? I’m pretty sure that’s what happened in The Giver; the main character couldn’t see color, then this old guy played I Should’ve Kissed You for him, and then he could see color and like, wrote it down or some shit.)

34. Half A Heart

Half A Heart isn’t a total sewer rat of a song, but it’s not like great. But once more, a single great moment in the song elevates the entire thing. In the last chorus, Liam sings two separate harmonies, one which is played through the left channel and one which is played through the right channel, and that’s like the best thing 1D’s producers have ever done. I like have waited for them to repeat that but it just hasn’t happened and I demand to know why.

33. C’mon C’mon

One Direction rarely gives me the dance pop that I want, so when they do I really have to savor it. C’mon C’mon is like the exact kind of middle-of-the-road dance pop that my heart desires from this band. The vocal production is kinda breathy and overly slick, and it’s just a great affair. I mean, the fact that Liam doesn’t have a solo and I still think it’s great basically says everything. (But like, also makes it significantly worse than another song...)

32. They Don’t Know About Us

I love me some piano pop ballads. And like, this really leans into it with the wonderful tinkling piano that plinks through the whole song. It’s just like such a genuinely youthful song that is so gleefully exuberant that it’s hard not to get swept up with it. It bites down with the defiance of an unruly kitten and that’s just something I need more of in my life.

31. Don’t Forget Where You Belong

If They Don’t Know About Us grew up to become a college student, you’d get Don’t Forget Where You Belong. It’s somewhat more mature, but still far away from being a fully formed human. The way that the song just swells up through the bridge and then recedes back into that wonderful boom-boom-clap breakdown is gorgeous. And the bit of the second verse with Harry and Liam harmonizing is an aural delight. And there are just so many more small moments like that, where someone has a small vocal frill that gives the song a shade more replay value than your average 1D ballad.

30. Over Again

So, I like basically all of the Ed Sheeran-penned 1D songs (minus Little Things, which remains an abomination sea creature abyss monster). There’s just a deftness to the melodic construction that is more interesting than the average 1D ballad. And yeah, usually there’s a whiff or two in some of the solos (as there is here), but overall it’s a great, simple ballad that brings out a lot of the really nice softer tones of their vocals. (... and Liam kinda kills this song.)

29. Olivia

This might be a blatant grab at a Beatles song, but is there anything wrong with that? Shouldn’t more songs be blatant grabs at the Beatles?? Especially if they’re going to be this fun and boppy? Olivia just bounces along without a care in the world, and comes with some serious vocal firepower from all sides. That rapid fire cadence in the verses drives the pacing of an otherwise meandering melody. And man, those low notes can almost be described as showy, a rarity in One Direction’s discography.

28. Moments

For some reason, Moments comes with a lot of nostalgia for me, even more than the average Up All Night track. Something about it is inextricably sketched into the fabric of 2012 and will always bring me back there. It’s easily the best all around vocal song on all of their first album, which is too often defined by botched vocal production. It gets the various tones and breaks in everyone’s voice and utilizes those things as assets, not liabilities. And they somehow managed to turn that chorus into a larger-than-life chant that could literally fill stadiums. And like, that’s some power.

27. 18

So, while I like the Ed Sheeran songs, they’re all still very much Ed Sheeran songs. You can just hear how Ed Sheeran must’ve phrased the song on the demo because that’s exactly how all of the band delivers it on the record. Except for 18. On 18, we get some of the intricate melodies of an Ed Sheeran song, except with the musical personalities of the actual members of the band. They sort of figured out their own vocal identities and managed to wrest some of the vocal quirks away from Sheeran and into Payne/Tomlinson/Styles/Horan/Malik. And like, I enjoyed getting to witness that evolution in real time.

26. Wolves

Is “jaunty” a word people can use to describe music? Because Wolves is downright jaunty. Like, if you’re not chair grooving throughout the entire song, then there may be something medically wrong with you. It’s carefree and breezy and also comes with a supersized side of twists and turns to keep things fresh. Every damn solo brings a delightful new vocal delivery that just adds an extra layer of awesome to the song. Like seriously, every damn solo uses a different texture or has some offbeat cadence or something and it’s a smorgasbord of bubbly fun.

25. Up All Night

For all the criticisms lobbed against One Direction for being generic and manufactured, it’s hard to find another pop act that was delivering this slice of bubblegum pop in 2011. Which isn’t to say that 1D was producing original, groundbreaking music, but they were definitely filling a niche that had been left wide open since like the early 2000s when the last wave of bubblegum pop acts peaked. And Up All Night like burrows itself right into the middle of that bubblegum pop sound that just nestles into your ears and fizzes with bright, unabashedly catchy hooks. And like, we should all be so thankful that it does.

24. Girl Almighty

“Let’s have another toast to the girl almighty,” they bellow and you know they mean it, because they’re surrounded by a sea of mostly teenage girls that built an empire on blood, sweat, and feels. This is the sort of anthem that is a solid record in the studio, but really comes alive when blasted in a stadium and belted amidst the bone-crushing, world-ending power of the fandom that built House Direction. A power that can bend reality to make sense of a light as loud as as many ambulances as it takes to save a savior.

23. Back For You

This song is total musical whiplash, as it jumps from one big hooky line to the next big hooky line, in search of the perfect earworm. Every line of this song is the catchiest line on the album. And each word somehow vibrates with even more energy and electricity than the last. And like, it just doesn’t stop. It’s bursting and effervescent and every second of it should be cherished like the goddamn gem it is.

22. Perfect

“Perfect” is definitely just Taylor Swift’s “Style” with a slightly different melody. But “Style” is a jam and a half, and so I’m down with Perfect. It’s the perfect song to belt out at the top of your lungs while serving just a little bit more attitude than the lyrics of the song actually call for. Like, it’s a song that wants to make “baby I’m perfect” into a biting insult. But mostly, it’s a song that includes the line “if you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about, baby I’m perfect” and that’s the best line written into a 1D song.

21. Through The Dark

In the Mumfordineers Folk Hunger Games, Through The Dark is the victor. Because Through The Dark is an actually fantastic song that takes the swoopy melodies and the jangly banjos and the trawling percussion of the genre and uses them for good, not evil. It’s a decidedly sturdy, not quirky, song with some lush vocal arrangements and tight production. It is a vocal delight from start to finish with some pretty lovely harmonies and some killer adlibs towards the end.

20. Tell Me A Lie

Top 20 is serious business time, where all these songs are masterpieces in one way or another. And Tell Me A Lie is just another goddamn gem of a pop song. We get the first sense of the power of Zayn’s voice on the chorus here, a nice hint of the tour de force yet to come. And Liam hits all the most perfect boybander inflections, down to the breaths. The beat never stops and the vocals are always up to the task and the entire song is an example of what can be accomplished with a lot of fire and a little talent.

19. Does He Know?

First of all, everything about the lyrics of this song is amazing, and I will not entertain any conversation to the contrary. The absurdity of this band singing any of these words halfway between swagger and sincerity is great. And the entire song has the cadence of a pixie sticked-up child on a pogo stick, and that’s the kind of bounciness I’m looking for. But also, have you heard Liam’s voice? Namely, the absurd number of textures he hits on his various solos and harmonies here. He’s Mystique, but for voices. ... so, like, a voice actor, I guess.

18. Long Way Down

Speaking of Liam Payne’s voice. There’s something just personally satisfying about getting to hear him belt out for forty seconds on the melody of the song. He carries a lot of harmonies throughout 1D’s 89 other songs, but here every member sings entirely solo. And for Liam, that means carrying a melody and really going for the throat, throwing the real gravity of his voice around like a damn wrecking ball to my emotions.

17. Kiss You

Alright. I’ve described a lot of 1D’s songs as energetic or bouncy or whatever. But this, this is the pure concentrated shit. This is the shit that you can only buy after signing a waiver. This is the shit they keep locked behind the counter, that you have to ask for. Pound for pound, this song has more energy than any other song on earth. If scientists could figure out how to harness the power of this sun, we would solve all of our world’s greatest problems. The song is turned up to 11 the entire time, and no one is mad about it, because it’s just a fantastic song. The chorus itself has like three separate hooks in it; the prechorus is a hook on its own; the verses move at a breakneck pace. Just like, blast this a few times a day and you’ll be able to forgo your daily workout routine.

16. Where Do Broken Hearts Go

And once I got over the fact that this was not a Whitney Houston cover, I was able to enjoy One Direction’s best attempt at arena rock. This is the kind of stadium-filling rock sound that fits a pop band. Where Do Broken Hearts Go is impossibly big and bombastic and has just enough hard edges to break through the roar of an audience. But it keeps a lot of the vocal pop flourishes that keep the song believable delivered by a band that grew up in the circuits of a drum machine.

15. Change My Mind

I’m sure this song has verses and a bridge and like other parts. I’m sure it does. It must. It’s a song. I can see that it is longer than twenty seconds long. But, are we sure it’s longer than twenty seconds? Can we be entirely sure there’s anything other than Liam’s deliciously clear falsetto on the first chorus? Because that’s a divine musical experience with few rivals. The ridiculous control and clarity throughout the entire chorus, and the crispness of the tone and the certainty of the delivery. It’s a pure and magical chorus that should be enshrined in a museum somewhere, preserved for future generations of children to halfheartedly look at and shuffle past in boredom like all truly spectacular art.

14. More Than This

As far as pure ballads go, More Than This basically is as good as it gets. The melody of the song is so much more carefully constructed than anything else on their first album that I almost feel like they fell backwards into it. And yeah, the vocals on the studio version suffer many of the problems common to the Up All Night tracks, the merit of the song is enough to keep the whole endeavor afloat. And mostly, their later live performances showed that it was a song that they were more than capable of growing into. But More Than This is a genuinely sweet song that just hits all the right notes.

13. I Would

One Direction might not have a solid grasp of the subjunctive mood, but they certainly understand a hook. Because like, WOULD HE SAY HE’S IN L-O-V-E BECAUSE IF IT WAS ME THEN I WOULD. I mean, what? Where was I? I don’t know. Because I’m making the mistake of listening to this song while writing about it, and unfortunately the only thing I can do while listening to this song is belt out the chorus. Because this is an endlessly danceable song and grooves so hard and is all the fun.

12. Little White Lies

The first nineteen seconds of this song have some of my favorite production effects of the entirety of Midnight Memories. I like that while most of Midnight Memories veered into folk/rock, Little White Lies just sat there and was like, fuck y’all, I’m gonna frolic in some dance pop. And again, I love my dance pop. There’s a goddamn drop on the chorus, and it’s everything I could’ve asked for in a One Direction song. Heck, it’s more than I would’ve dreamed of asking for. Everything about that beat just pulses through you; you’re forced to feel the song in your core. And damnit, that’s exactly what I’m here for.

11. Fireproof

Fireproof is almost quaint in its simplicity. But like, it’s not one of those sparse acoustic guitar ballads that plagues bad Youtube cover songs. It’s lush and full and has an undeniable energy pulsing through it. Each solo is steady and assured, and somehow each seems to be pitched in the sweet spot of each member’s vocal range. And then, when there are harmonies, they’re identifiable in a way that One Direction harmonies hardly ever are. And they’re not drowned out by noise. The song is just like the best meal you’ve ever had, but not because of any fancy recipe, it’s just got like the best individual ingredients possible.

10. Change Your Ticket

Change Your Ticket starts with some weird spaceship noises and then only improves. The prechorus is fun and bouncy and then the chorus carves itself a solid groove and rocks back and forth in that pocket. And like most of One Direction’s best songs, it’s right in the center of their sound, instead of being some weird facsimile of something else. I don’t know, this just feels like what they should be singing and writing about and how they should be singing and writing about it. There’s the genuineness of a twenty year old multimillionaire in there.

9. History

So while AM might’ve been a great finisher for the album, History is the true closer in every sense. Their last single, music video, and song. And everything about it is perfect. The You’ve-Got-A-Friend vibe is the perfect vibe to go for. The ode to the fanbase that built them. The weird sentiment that acknowledges that this band has a damn history behind it. The production that makes it basically seem like a live recording, complete with an audience sing along. It’s just a lovely song that delivers on all of its promises and there’s nothing more I could’ve asked for, really.

8. Heart Attack

If you haven’t listened to Heart Attack in a while, do yourself a favor and listen to Heart Attack. It’s the most singable of a slew of immensely singable choruses. The OW! alone is worth the price of admission. The verses and prechorus are playful and like almost conversational. And then the chorus is this stew of oohs and aahs and it’s all ear candy. And like, OW! COME ON. Just like, scream OW! a few hundred times with me and you’ll understand.

7. What Makes You Beautiful

Ah, the song that started it all. There’s a reason that What Makes You Beautiful was a gigantic global smash and ignited the 21st century’s most popular vocal group. It’s fucking magical. Everything about it came together to make the world’s most digestible pop song, and then they filmed a music video that showed the world’s most digestible pop band. And like, there you go, mega international smash hit. But like for as global and digestible as the song is, it’s also brimming with the band’s personality. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and it’s incredibly fun and a little messy. And, y’know, great.

6. Drag Me Down

Have I ever been more hyped than when One Direction dropped this fucking bombshell on me randomly at midnight one day? Has my heart ever stopped faster than when Liam tweeted some shit about their new single? No. The answer is no. The release of Drag Me Down caught me by surprise and then proceeded to grab hold of my brain and imprint all over it. Drag Me Down is definitely One Direction in 2015, which is starkly different from One Direction in 2011. And like, that’s a good thing. It still doesn’t take itself too seriously and incredibly fun and a little messy, but this time it was also a little more confident. Less smiling at the ground, more telling people to step off. And like, still a huge, poppy bop.

5. Better Than Words

What happens when you combine a hugely catchy pop song, a fun lyrical conceit, and a ton of Liam Payne’s vocals? Better Than Words. A song that pleases both the ears and the wit. There’s something about the simplicity of using song titles throughout a song. And then the chorus explodes with an actual hook, and packs some musical merit behind that clever idea. And then Liam kind of just goes off, using the song as a vocal playground for his falsetto and his chest voice and everything in between. And it’s impossible to not grin at the whole thing.

4. What A Feeling

In the top 4, every song is #1 in my heart. What A Feeling is a goddamn masterpiece. One Direction like actually created this legitimately excellent piece of pop music. It is so perfectly produced that I almost don’t know what to say. It just creates this entire atmospheric vibe that envelops the entire song and gives it that dream-like quality. And the vocals are all so smooth and airy and float seamlessly along the melodies. When that sound really fills out in the chorus, the song goes from dreamy to transcendental and it’s a damn journey.

3. One Thing

What Makes You Beautiful might’ve been the song that catapulted 1D to superstardom, but I’m like fairly certain One Thing is actually the song that crystallized the fanbase. Because One Thing, in so many ways, feels like the essence of 1D. The most 1D thing to ever 1D. As a song, it’s not all that different from WMYB, but just like even more carefree about the whole ordeal. It’s a big, hooky pop song with a loud chorus. But the One Thing music video, which is just One Direction rolling through the streets of London, jumping over each other in only somewhat matched clothing and generally following no discernible script basically became the image of 1D. They are stupid and goofy and individualized in a way that has since become synonymous with the band. It’s a great song and a better video.

2. Never Enough

Everything about this song is insane. It has vocal doo wops the entire time. It has weird grunting. It has like a weird honking sound. It has screaming. It has all sorts of absurdly messy adlibs. And I totally love all of it. Every damn part of it. The verses have this rapid fire delivery that builds momentum. And the prechoruses have this funky groove to them. And the chorus explodes. And like, the whole time Liam is just doing the most. There are adlibs and harmonies and melodies and backing vocals and then also that totally unhinged Michael Jackson build. The song presents itself as a cavalcade of insanity and Liam’s vocal abilities. And it’s just like the most fun.

1. Stole My Heart

I need justice for Stole My Heart, the One Direction dance pop anthem of my dreams. Mostly, I need justice for Liam’s vocals on this song. I don’t entirely know what direction the producer gave Liam on this song, but I have to assume it was something to the effect of “fucking kill it.” Because he fucking kills it. He’s super breathy and airy and light but somehow still incredibly controlled and tight. And it’s like his voice was made for dance pop, even though we have 89 other songs in which he never sounds like this ever again. Because the world is the WORST. And yeah, okay, so he’s basically the only one who sings on the song, but that’s okay. Because did you hear him on it??? Stole My Heart is the single greatest human achievement of the 21st century and I just want that to be recognized.

There you go. That’s the ranking. Feel free to disagree! But like, know that you’re wrong.

#one direction #ranking #none of these words make any sense

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justsomebucky · 8 years

Text

The Only Exception (Part 1)

Summary: AU. Reader is given the task of running a popular love advice internet show when her coworker is fired. Her cynical attitude toward love makes her offer some harsh advice, and more than a few hearts are caught in the aftermath. Will hers be one of them?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 3,442

Warnings: language, fluff, wishful thinking, hot firemen, sarcasm, cynicism, bad jokes

A/N: Okay, so I saw a movie a long long time ago that was terrible, but it inspired the ‘bad’’ love advice and the firemen. I’ve been dying to have fireman!Bucky in one of my AUs.

And yes, the title comes from the Paramore song. I felt like it’s how reader feels throughout. Hope you guys like it. I had some writer’s block, and some house guests, so this is a little late being posted.

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So far, your day was a total bust, and it was still early morning.

Your umbrella had blown away in some pretty ridiculous wind gusts, leaving you to get soaked in the rain as you made your way from the subway to Stark Tower for work.

Once you were inside, the elevators were so full that you were forced to squeeze in beside some people who ought to really reconsider the deodorant they were wearing (or buy some at all).

Then you got to your desk, and a post-it note was stuck to your laptop, asking you to go to the conference room beside your boss’ office.

Dammit.

You ran your fingers through your soaked hair, trying to seem presentable as you opened the door to the conference room.

Your supervisor, May Parker, sat at the head of the table, with her assistant Maria and your assistant Natasha on either side of her. There was no one else in the room except the HR person from upstairs. He was standing in the corner, flipping through some documents in his hands.

Oh, crap.

Were you being fired?

Why else would you be called here with HR present?

Your mind started reeling with all the different bills that lay on your kitchen counter, including two student loan bills. Your rent was due soon, too. What the hell were you going to do? You couldn’t afford to stay in Brooklyn if they fired you. What kind of monsters would fire you on a Thursday morning? They could at least-

May cleared her throat, interrupting your anxiety-ridden thoughts. “Y/N, do you know why we called you in here?”

You shook your head. “No, ma’am.”

She sighed, glancing between Nat and Maria. “We had to let Leah go today.”

“Wait, what? Leah?” Your brows furrowed in confusion. Leah was a coworker of yours. Well, she used to be. “You mean you aren’t firing me?”

“No. In fact, HR, we’re good here. You can go.”

The man nodded and gathered his things, leaving without another look back. May gestured to the empty seat next to Natasha, and you sat down obediently.

“We have a little project for you until we find a replacement,” she informed you.

What the heck kind of project could they have for you from Leah’s team? She was into social media, the star of her own little YouTube show. Surely they were looking for another Leah to lead this. There’s no way they would want you to cover her show in the meantime.

“We want you to cover her show in the meantime.”

Oh.

Wait, what?

You blinked. “I have no experience with any of that.”

“No experience with love? Come on now, Y/N, even I’ve seen you reading those trashy romance novels on your lunch break. Plus, aren’t you seeing someone?” May laid her palms flat on the table. “Look, we’re in a pinch here, and you write advice articles all the time. I’m asking you to transition for a short while to also doing a little YouTube show here and there.”

You had a degree in psychology that hadn’t paid the bills after graduation, so you signed on to be a part of the team at September Media, a section of Stark Industries, writing a little column online.

Sometimes your column was based on reader questions, and sometimes it was just about something that was plaguing you that day. May was your boss, and she typically stayed out of your way when it came to work.

The advice you gave was more along the lines of life advice; ways to cope with stress and anxiety, how to find the silver lining, don’t give up on yourself…that sort of thing. Plus, you never had to appear in any videos or speak on podcasts or anything like that.

Leah, on the other hand, dealt strictly in love advice. She had a popular show on September’s YouTube channel that got millions of hits every week. You suspected half of it was because she was a former model, though you didn’t want to insinuate that she wasn’t good at her job (because you’d actually never watched her show).

Who had the time for nonsense like that? Nothing ever worked out as smoothly as in those romance novels you liked to read. There was no hot guy with loads of cash waiting in the wings to save you from your drab life. Fiction (and Disney) had ruined your hope of ever finding someone to sweep you off your feet.

And really, you didn’t even need to be swept off your feet. You simply needed someone who wasn’t going to live on your couch with no job while they watched anime porn all day. You needed someone who didn’t have a weird affinity for both their own mother and people’s toes. You’d heard these horror stories from your coworkers, and yes, people like that apparently existed.

Where had all the good ones gone?

Dating was so awful, and no amount of advice would ever make the experience better for you.

In fact, the last date you had been on was a total disaster. Your friends and coworkers had insisted that you try online dating, so you did. You actually put yourself out there, despite all of your hesitations.

It turned out, online dating was mostly a weird mix of lewd propositions and dick pics, but on occasion you’d get a message from a decent human.

Even so, the last guy you’d actually met for a coffee date had left with another woman while you were in the restroom.

“I’m so completely under-qualified to offer advice for romantic relationships, May. I’ve only had one recent date, and it didn’t go well at all. I’m not sure what I could possibly have to offer a program like this.”

May nodded, staring at you (and kind of making you uncomfortable) as she appeared to completely ignore this information. “I’m sure you’re a quick learner, Y/N, and I’m afraid I don’t have much of a choice here. You’re the new romance advice person until we find a replacement.”

“But I’m not good at lovey-dovey bullshit,” you pressed on, trying to get her to see your side of things. “I don’t have it in me!”

“Then pretend,” May replied, turning to your assistant-slash-friend. “Nat, I know it’s not really your job, but you’re going to have to help her with whatever her hair is trying to do, and get her in front of the camera ASAP.”

May stood up and quickly made her way to the door, pausing for only a moment. “You’ll do great, kiddo, I know it. It’s just temporary. One, maybe two weeks tops!” With a small smile, May left the conference room, putting some finality on your fate.

You sat back in your chair, feeling a little numb. “This cannot be happening.”

“Oh, it’s happening. I suggest you get ready. Leah had an episode already scripted for today, but we’ll just have you read the questions, and you can answer as you see fit.” Maria gave you a small smile of encouragement. “You’ve got the training, Y/N. Time to use it for some lovey-dovey bullshit.”

About an hour later, after giving yourself a pep talk in the mirror of the women’s room, you were sat in front of a low-tech, camera-and-laptop situation, in what used to be Leah’s huge, beautiful office. “Why the hell did she get an office like this, and I’m stuck out in the bullpen?”

You frowned up at Scott Lang, your camera man for this temporary gig. He’d always helped Leah with her episodes, so now he’d been assigned to help you. His regular job was to write about advances in technology, especially the strides that Tony Stark and his team were making.

Scott merely shrugged. “She brought in a lot of ad revenue.”

“Yeah, I bet she did,” you muttered, looking out the window to the New York skyline.

That’s what you did when you felt your anxiety trying to take a hold of you, and the city you loved never failed to calm you down. You took a deep breath, letting the air out slowly as your eyes scanned the familiar skyscrapers.

“Look, Y/N, your advice is helpful to a lot of people, but so was Leah’s. It’s hard to make a relationship work these days. If she helped even one person, it was worth it.”

Your eyes flickered back to Scott’s face as you studied him. He was staring down at the camera, messing with some of the settings, but you could tell his mind was a million miles away to his ex-wife and daughter.

He had a point. If Leah could provide some comfort to people, then she was doing something good for people. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Scott.”

“It’s fine.” Scott offered you a sincere grin. “You ready?”

“Just a minute. This has been bothering me all day…I’ve been wondering, why did Leah get fired?”

“Oh.” Scott rubbed the back of his neck. “She got caught accepting vacations and jewelry and stuff from some of Mr. Stark’s clients. It’s a breach of contract.”

You burst out laughing. “Ah, geez. No worry of that happening with me, trust me. I can’t even get a free drink. Let’s get this over with shall we?”

“All right, I’m going to count down and you will have to introduce yourself, okay? Then you can just dive right into the selected viewer questions.”

“Got it.” At least, you hoped so.

“In three, two…” Scott held up a finger to signal one second, then pointed at you.

“Hi everyone, my name is Y/N, and this is Love Advice with…Y/N. Really? That’s the name of this show? Very original. Anyways, Leah is no longer going to be hosting, but never fear, I’m here temporarily to offer you vague advice and false hope in love.”

Scott made a face at you over the camera, but you pressed on, figuring your cynicism would help you through this ridiculous situation. Maybe if you were bad enough, they would find someone who actually wanted to talk about romance on YouTube.

“Let’s just get to the first question! Dear Leah – and again, I’m not Leah, so please address next week’s questions to the Love Therapist, because that’s my new show name. Anyways, dear Leah, I’m supposed to be getting married to someone this weekend, but I’m having second thoughts. I’ve only known him for seven months – is that long enough to know you want to spend your life with someone? I’ve been worrying all week, and I’m not sure I’m ready. I’m not sure he’s The One. Sincerely, Confused in Brooklyn.”

You made a face at the question as you read it off of the laptop in front of you, then you made a face at the camera. “Oh, confused is right. You sound utterly lost, my friend. Listen, if you are even remotely unsure of this relationship moving to the next level, the worst thing you can do is legally commit to this man. Seven months might be enough for some people, but is it right for you?”

Scott made a motion for you to wrap it up; apparently you were not only supposed to answer dumb questions, but you were supposed to offer short, bad advice. No way. If you were doing this, you were going to do it right.

You weren’t Leah. This poor person needed help.

“Confused, you need to take a good look at your own wants and needs, and figure out if that guy meets them, because if you aren’t sure about him and still go through with the wedding, it’s on you. You’re going to make yourself unhappy, and he will eventually be unhappy, too. Neither of you deserves that. Be an adult, assess your relationship, and then decide. Okay, our next question comes from Lonely in Astoria…”

“I heard you were brutal in every episode,” Nat laughed, snapping a selfie with her coffee cup in view. “First week on assignment and you really didn’t hold back.” You watched from across the table as she posted the picture to her Instagram account. It wasn’t anything new to you to see her doing that; she was always on the lookout for the perfect selfie.

Maybe she should be doing this show instead of you.

The two of you were getting coffee on the corner near your apartment before heading to see a movie down the street. It was some much needed vegging-out time. You didn’t want to have to think too hard today.

“Smile!”

You didn’t even have time to react as she snapped your picture, posting it with the hashtag #grumpyneedscoffee and tagging you.

“You know, it’s not safe to always post your location so blatantly like that. Or mine…especially mine.”

“Oh yeah, we’ve got loads of stalkers. Maybe I wanted to invite them, what do you think about that?” Nat stuck her tongue out at you, then took another selfie. “Hashtag: come stalk us.”

“You’re so hilarious,” you muttered, looking away. Your eyes scanned the faces in the crowd outside, and you couldn’t help but wonder if any of them watched your stupid little show.

You hoped not.

Saturday had finally arrived with a reprieve from work, and you were thrilled that your stint of being the Love Therapist was almost over. May had promised to find a replacement after two weeks.

You hadn’t bothered to ask for feedback, because you just didn’t care.

“I was not brutal,” you added. “I was merely being honest. Just because Leah told people what they wanted to hear, it doesn’t mean that she was giving good advice. Wasn’t I right about Dan the Jerk? The one who lied to you and said he was visiting a sick uncle in Hartford, when he was really sneaking out to see his other girlfriend?”

“You were right,” Natasha relented. “He was garbage, but I just got unlucky that time. I’ve also had plenty of decent dates. Not every man is like that, Y/N. Why can’t you just be hopeful for once? Other people have love and you haven’t found someone yet, so what? You’re gonna find an exception to the rule. You’re gonna find someone soon, and I just hope you don’t push him away just because you’re suspicious and cynical.”

You were about to reply with something a little less-than-nice, but before you could, two firemen walked into the coffee shop in full gear, and you found yourself unable to look away. God, it was just like one of those horrible romance books you adored. A fireman walks into a coffee shop…

“Earth to Y/N,” Natasha said, waving her hand in front of your face. She followed your line of sight to see what caught your attention. “Are you really into firemen or do you know one of them?”

“So what if I have a thing for guys in uniforms,” you said sheepishly, raising an eyebrow at her. “I’m allowed to look. What does it matter? They always have hot girlfriends or wives, anyways.”

The two of you glanced back over at the two men. One was blond with blue eyes, and one had brown hair with blue-grey eyes. Both were over-the-top attractive.

“Which one do you want?” Nat whispered.

“I think I like the brunette,” you replied, chewing on your lip thoughtfully. It wasn’t like you to objectify someone, but you let yourself have this one indulgence.

“Good, because that blond has an ass on him that I want to bite!” Natasha rested her chin on her hand with a dramatic sigh.

“Stop,” you exclaimed with a laugh. “Just stop.”

You must have laughed too loudly, because you found yourself locked in a staring contest with the hottie brunette fireman.

His eyes widened, and he turned back to say something to his buddy, which made the other guy turn and look, too. The blond fireman shook his head, as if he was protesting what the brunette was saying.

That’s when the brunette fireman began walking over to you with a determined look, and the blond man trailed behind, looking like he was completely against the idea.

“Oh, shit, Y/N! You got their attention! See?” Natasha sat up, putting on her best flirty look. You felt like a potato next to her. “Be cool. Don’t mess this up for us.”

There was no time for a comeback, because the men were suddenly right beside your table.

“Hey! You’re that Love Therapist, aren’t you?” the brunette asked. “Y/N, right?”

“Right,” you said nervously, offering a smile. “It’s just a temporary stint, though.”

“Ah,” he nodded. “I’m Bucky Barnes, and this is my best friend Steve Rogers. We’re both based in Brooklyn here.”

“Hi there, I’m Natasha. Why are two handsome fellas like you watching a love advice show on YouTube?” Natasha smiled at them, laying it on thick. “I’m sure you don’t have trouble with the ladies?”

Bucky’s expression darkened a little, and he offered no reply, so Steve answered for him. “Uh…we used to watch because the old host was pretty hot. The guys got a kick out of it at the station.” Steve looked back at you. “No offense, I mean, you’re a sight too, it’s just that…”

“Hey, I completely get it.” You held both your hands up jokingly for a second. “Leah brought in the viewers, that’s for sure. But like I said, it’s not my real job, I’m just filling in.”

“So you’re offering advice that you aren’t really qualified to offer, then?” Bucky’s expression was now more like a glare, and a chill rolled down your spine.

“She’s qualified, she has a degree in psychology,” Natasha supplied, finally noticing the change in Bucky’s demeanor. “What’s it to you, anyway?”

“Nothing,” Steve answered again for him. “It’s nothing. It was nice to meet you ladies, but we should be getting back to work.” He tried to pull Bucky away from the table, but his attention once again fixed on you.

“Can I call you sometime?” The corner of his mouth lifted a little.

Your eyes widened in surprise. Was this guy nuts or something? Three seconds ago he was giving you a death glare, and now he was smiling. “Me?”

Bucky’s blue-grey eyes sparkled; now he seemed to be flirting with you, of all things. “Yeah, maybe we can go out sometime.”

“Um.” You looked at Natasha for help, since your thoughts were a little muddled. The attractive fireman, the one you would have picked out for yourself if you could, was asking you out after seeming a little put-off by your line of work. What the hell were you going to say?

“She’d love to go,” Natasha answered, looking to Steve. “In fact, maybe we can make it a double date?”

Steve’s face lit up. “That’s a great idea. What are you girls doing tonight?”

The movies now seemed a little too intimate for some reason. The darkness, sitting beside one another…that would be too much for a first date in your opinion.

“We were going to a bar,” you blurted out. “You can join us if you want.” Where was this newfound ability to get yourself a date coming from?

“Here,” Bucky said, reaching for your phone that was sitting on the table in front of you. You stared in total shock as he plugged his number in, then sent himself a text. “Now we have each other’s numbers. We’ll meet up later after our shift is over, okay?”

“Okay, see you later,” you replied meekly.

This was all a little surreal; did being on a popular internet show really nab you a hot fireman just now? Leah must have been rolling in attention from hotties! Who needed a dating app and creepy dudes messaging you, when you could be recognized in a coffee shop?

Once they were gone, you turned to look at Natasha. “What the hell just happened?”

“You’re internet famous now, cupcake, and we’ve got a double date with two of the hottest guys in Brooklyn!” Natasha did a little happy dance. “I’m definitely going to need to go shopping, and since I’ve seen your closet, so are you.”

“But-“

“No buts! Firemen, Y/N! Hot firemen! We are definitely going shopping!”

“Fine,” you agreed, pretending to be miserable. “But only because I think I read about this in one of my trashy novels once, and I wanna see if it ends with me getting to see a fireman’s pole, too.”

“I wouldn’t bring that up later if I were you.” Natasha laughed, hitting your arm. “Come on, weirdo. Let’s go.”

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