#every time I make a post I’m tempted to tag in “cookie run”

[quibbs126]

*sigh*

I’m pretty sure I’m only going to pass a single class this semester. I mean thankfully it’s the one that’s worth the most credit hours, about equal to the other two combined, but still. I dropped the other two classes I knew I wasn’t going to do good in, and I’m going to do them during the summer

They say freshman year is the most important year, and I wasted it. I wasted it all. Especially this semester

And it’s all because I’m so lazy. Like, for example, for that one class, we need to read books, and even though I didn’t really read the books for the last two exams and still did well, just following the notes, I had a much harder time following the professor this round, given he was just blazing through the stuff faster than I could write, so I need to get them to fully understand the books. And they aren’t public domain or anything, so I can’t just read them for free online. Anyways, so I can’t find them in the library (or at least ones that aren’t already checked out), and so I was going to check out book stores for them. There’s one close by (I say that, but it’s a 30 minute walk), and it probably has the books, and I told myself Tuesday that I would go get them. It’s Thursday night and I still haven’t bothered to go get them. It’s not hard, I just can’t be bothered to get up and do it

And honestly, it’s been getting harder to do just basic things. It takes so much effort for me to leave my room for something other than classes, even for food. It takes so much effort to do my laundry, only doing it once my sink ledge gets too piled up because I only have one place to put it. It takes so much effort to clean my floors, despite me wanting to do so. It takes so much effort to take a shower, despite knowing I need one. I won’t call my parents because it’s just too much effort. At first it was because I just didn’t want to address me not doing my driving training, but then it just became that I couldn’t be bothered. It takes so much effort to get out of bed. Last semester, I really liked taking walks, and I’d go around 6, my alarm waking me up at 5:30 to give me plenty of time. Now, I don’t get out of my bed until at least 6:30. At first, I didn’t take them because it was winter and all I had was a not particularly thick sweater, and I’d rather not spend an hour in the cold. As time went on though, I just couldn’t be bothered. And when I go up to my bed, mostly because it’s the most comfortable area in my dorm, it takes so much effort for me to just get down

And it takes far too much effort for me to just do my homework. At first this semester, it was just that I forgot, but no big deal, it’s the first week or two, I’ll do it the rest of the semester. And then more weeks pass. And more weeks. And I’m sitting here, having done almost no homework this semester, the only ones I’ve done being countable on one hand, not counting group projects or the like. And I hate being like this

And those two classes I’m pretty sure I’m failing? One of which I already failed last semester and am having to do again this semester, are both lab classes. Essentially you show up, do your work, then you have two weeks to submit work related to it, like the lab reports or just an analysis of your data, with the engineering one also having lectures with homework and quizzes, not too difficult. Like, these classes aren’t hard. It’s just that I refuse to do the work, the simple bare minimum to pass these easy classes. And I’m probably going to have to do them again now

That’s the thing, these classes aren’t hard, I just refuse to be bothered to do even the simplest things, no matter how beneficial they are to me

I haven’t applied for any scholarships, despite me having plenty of opportunities, and the fact that I’m gonna lose my current one for high grades (I need I believe a 3.6, my GPA is close to a 2.1, and is probably going to stay around that, if not drop further), and I can’t be bothered to go and get a job, despite saying for years that I plan on getting one. I can’t be bothered to do a simple few hours of an online driving course to get a learner’s permit

What do I do instead? Watch videos on YouTube, mostly ones I’ve already seen. Constantly search the “cookie run” tag on here for any new posts. Listen to music while coming up with inane plots that I’ve already cycled through several times. Play Cookie Run, mostly Ovenbreak. On occasion do art

I’d rather do inane things than do things that are actually beneficial to my life. And I have so many opportunities to do these things, I have so many opportunities to seek out help for my issues. My university has this counseling and psychological services program that I’ve been suggested multiple times I should book an appointment with. There’s an academic success center in which I could go and try and figure out my problems when it comes to my understanding of my classes’s material, or my time management skills. I’m practically presented opportunities on a silver platter to improve. But I just can’t be bothered

And here I am, sitting for like half an hour, writing about my woes instead of doing something about them. But it’s too late in the day to do anything, and goddamn it, I don’t want to go back to pacing around my room, feeling restless and anxious about my failures. This has at least distracted my brain into focusing on something related to the problem, in the form of writing it down. Let me have this

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to just be a waste of space and money. But I’m too goddamn lazy to do anything of value, and so I just sit here, wallowing in my misery but not being bothered to do anything about it

And it’s too late into the semester to do anything. Finals are in the next two weeks. I was first told to go to CAPS in mid February. And here I sit, 2 and a half months later, still having not done that. And I suffer all the more for it. It’s too late to make up all that lost work. It’s too late to look for scholarships for next semester, or even the summer, since I’m going to take summer classes

I don’t know how I’m going to feel over the summer, when everything’s said and done. But probably, I’ll forget my woes, and this will all repeat again, with increasingly disastrous results. That’s how it always goes, every day, every week, every month. I go to sleep, knowing I wasted the day, only to wake up, forgetting my lesson, until the day’s gone and it happens again

I don’t know what the point of me writing this was. I think I lost whatever point I was trying to make. But do you get me?