#every time i check my activity on here its like omg mutuals!!!! hi how are yo- OH MY GOD YOURE HOT. HI. FUCK YOURE SO HOT. WOW

[switchbladedick]

youu ev er see a guy so hot youget nauseous

[dinosaurtsukki]

BSD x university au hc’s | pt. 1

hi i am an absolute slut for university au’s in case you couldn’t tell so i just had to write some for my first BSD post. also this is going to be slightly ooc because i am a crackhead

check out pt. 2 here

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Atsushi Nakajima:

he’s definitely the kind of guy who still had no idea what he’d take up in university even after he was accepted 

either wants to not major in anything at all or just major in everything because he’s also scared that he’ll eventually not like what he’s majoring in

so for his first two years you’d probably find him jumping around different classes 

also he still calls the professors ‘teacher ____’ like a high school student and everyone laughs but thinks its cute

eventually, because of his *cough cough* traumatic childhood he decided he wanted to help children by becoming a guidance counselor

he ends up taking Child Psychology and bOY does he love it so much

well he actually just loves all of his classes because Learning is Fun

although because of his *cough cough* traumatic childhood he’s the one in class that people are all like 👀👀

atsushi: *talking about children’s responses to fear and emotional abuse by talking about his own emotional abuse*

the professor, under their breath: wait, do you need help?? 

i can definitely see atsushi as a Roommate of the Year kind of guy. he’s just so polite and tidy with his room. also he’d definitely be the type to take care of plants inside the dorm room and put them on the windowsill

in terms of extracurricular activities, he’s definitely a sporty type of person so i can see him joining a varsity (something like Frisbee because he likes things that go whoooosh) but he’d probably join a student org that does stuff like community outreach

because of all this, he is a Very Busy Boy but his friends do manage to drag him out to parties once in a while

although atsushi would probably sit in a corner and drink only one beer for the entire night 

he’s notorious for helping drunk people though. most of the time he’ll be putting blankets on people and making them drink water

if he knew how to drive he’d definitely be the designated driver

Akiko Yosano:

omg i’m so excited for this i love yosano so much 

she’s the friend who’s just effortlessly awesome all around and a fricking MED STUDENT to top it all off

she gets a bit too excited when it’s dissection time but it’s alright she has good intentions 

probably the only one in your class who doesn’t go and throw up whenever a cadaver is being used (actually do they still use cadavers i have absolutely no idea)

she also interns at the local hospital as part of her degree program but OMG yosano will not stop telling disgusting stories about the patients she’s had

everyone: *eating lunch peacefully in the dining hall*

yosano: so i pulled a guy’s toe out of a meat grinder this morning

everyone: sHUT UP

for some reason she still has a social life despite being a med student and it’s one of the mysteries of life i guess

yosano LOVES going out clubbing on friday nights. if you have the fortune of being her roommate, be prepared for make-overs and being dragged with her out to the city

she’s such a social butterfly like at every bar you go to, the bartender knows her name and her regular order. she’d probably end the night befriending a couple more people

also she’s amazing at karaoke i kid you not

as for extracurricular life, i don’t think yosano’s the type to join an org that’s related to her major cause like ‘what’s the point?’

instead, she’d probably go wherever her friends are because to her, she’ll enjoy any activity as long as she’s with people she loves

but when it comes to her own interests, i can definitely see yosano as someone who loves the outdoors, especially hiking after having to be cooped up inside clinics

it just makes her love and appreciate the value of life more

Kunikida Doppo:

ok, i KNOW he was a math teacher before he joined the ADA bUT i can’t help but think of him as a political science major ??

i can definitely imagine kunikida as someone who’d want to become a lawyer someday and would take political science as a pre-law

he does like the idea of following in the footsteps of great men but omg kunikida would absolutely hate the exclusivity of white, male political theorists

he is such a good student except for when his professor has some sketchy values then kunikida will !! fight him !! every !! chance !! he gets !!

raises his hand constantly to contradict his professor if they even tRY to defend thomas hobbes and authoritarianism

but other than that he’s probably the most diligent student out there. kunikida genuinely enjoys doing the readings for class and writing essays

also has such a balanced schedule that he can make time for anything and everything

except for when his friends dazai drag him out to parties and get a social life

despite how rigid he is, kunikida has absolutely no problem helping out others with learning. he often holds study sessions in his dorm room or in the library before exams

he also likes to volunteer in tutorial centers because he’s just like that

OH OH some of his ‘students’ suggested that he make crash-course type videos for political science and it took some convincing but eventually kunikida decided to go for it

he’s not the most tech savvy or photogenic person so it took some time for him to get used to things but after seeing all the comments from people who benefited from it, he decided to continue with his crash course videos

whether or not he’s the best or worst roommate is completely up to you. if you like someone who’ll basically micromanage your life from your daily schedule to your study habits, you’ll absolutely love him

he doesn’t like to go out for parties that much but he will if his friends convince him enough (kunikida’s an utter lightweight when it comes to drinking though)

Osamu Dazai: 

i genuinely have a hard time thinking about what this guy’s major would be and tbh even his friends have been wondering what dazai’s major was for TWO YEARS

that’s because he keeps taking the most random ass classes like Basic Pottery or Intro to Molecular Biology in the same semester

idk how he even plans to graduate at this point

although to be honest, i can definitely see him as a philosophy major despite the fact that i LOATHE every male classmate i’ve had who’s a philosophy major (idk they’re always so condescending)

i feel like dazai’s just taking that because it’s somewhat challenging for him but to him, university life is just more of crazy experiences rather than learning

and oh my god has he gotten up to the weirdest shit

the number of times he had to climb gates or sleep on benches at three a.m. is too many to count

dazai also loves volunteering for random things like people’s thesis projects (once, he offered to be a snake venom tester to a bio student and they told him that was illegal) or even being the school’s mascot in games

also he and kunikida probably met each other in freshman year at an intro to philosophy class and oh my god did dazai get on his nerves

what’s worse was that they had to work on a group project together and dazai was MIA most of the time and it drove kunikida crazy

that is until dazai showed up last minute to pull an all-nighter with him for their paper and kunikida just couldn’t help but be impressed by dazai’s ~~intellect~~

they don’t exactly get along but they do have some mutual respect for each other enough to work on projects well

omg if dazai ends up being your roommate I WISH YOU LUCK 

the first time you walked into your room dazai was microwaving a metal bowl and you had to run to stop it in time

also he has a tendency to wear his headphones and sing his favorite double suicide song out loud 

kunikida please come pick him up

Edogawa Ranpo:

i love this one man so much i swear to god 

ranpo is definitely the kind of person who just didn’t like school so when college applications came around he was just like ‘why bother though ???’

his friends did convince him by saying that he wouldn’t have to do subjects he wouldn’t like and just focus on his major (this is a lie btw)

is it a surprise that ranpo would choose forensic science ?? NO

he thinks its cool that he can learn about something he’s already super good at and it just gets him really pumped up to show off how good he is

LOVES getting praised by his classmates and professors

ranpo probably thinks lectures are boring as hell so sometimes he just,,, doesn’t,,, come,,, to class

if attendance IS required you can bet he’s bringing snacks and game consoles with him and sitting WAAAAY in the back of the room

Mukbang at a Lecture Hall with Edogawa Ranpo

his classmates think its cute that he puts on glasses before doing exams or answering his prof’s questions as a way to hype himself up

everyone calls him ‘The Greatest Detective’ and ranpo LOVES IT

despite that, he’s not too overly social he just likes being with his close group of friends UwU

he’s also someone you can drag around to places like the fair or an aquarium, but he’s not into clubbing or drinking for that matter

he DOES enjoy seeing his friends get drunk and mess with them though

ranpo isn’t into joining student organizations BUT he gets scouted a lot by detective agencies and he likes interning for them

i’m saying detective agencies because police are gross

ranpo did end up joining a baking club with the assumption that he would just be EATING the cake and not BAKING the cake

yeah he was just there for less than half a semester

***********************************************

taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist): @waitforitillwritemywayout @tpwkatsumu @laure-chan​

[yamagucji]

a series of thank you’s i’ve been meaning to give for a while now. please note i couldn’t get everyone bc im smol brained and im forgetful :(( also its vedy long so i added a readmore link but if it’s okay then i can remove it!

i would’ve preferred to go to your inboxes/dm’s but im scared t🤢umblrs going to glitch on me if i do it again a ha ha

@doublemoons

i remember you sent in my first ever request and i was SO happy like🥺 my account had no visibility on week 1 but then you somehow found my blog and since then you’ve been supporting me. i love the aesthetic of your blog and i always look forward to your rb’s because they so cute and insightful !! ik we haven’t talked much but i definitely perceive u as a gentle person here’s 1k hearts for you and you only <3

@insanityqueen

please i was *intense squealing* and *happy noises* when you said you wanted to be mutuals :’) im definitely uhhh way too immature for u but you still stick with all the caps and !!! i send you😭 you’re such an interesting, talented person. day 1 you got me HOOKED with your art and im gonna say this again,, i have never seen skin look soo s o f t painted. im really grateful for your company and all your cats and the hinata art you made me🥺 i am not still thirsting over it i swear and then you sent me pieces of your writing and i def expected hc’s but then BOOM🧍‍♀️ im so amazed by your writing. also you are vv pretty i hope you know that

@zephyrria

matching heart memes matching heart memes😾 i don’t talk to you as much but our main form of communication is literally exchanging heart memes w/o a word,,, if that isn’t true love idk what is :// anyway i love our little convos so much it always brightens my day! and omg lets not forget when you made me a drabble back😳 like wha- HUH !! i was so touched i rlly went boom boom woosh bc no ones ever written me one back and i!! that yamaguchi gives me so much comfort. you give me sm comfort, thank you bub <3

@beanst0ck

hehe my first tumblr crush😼 as soon as i deactivated my reading account to my a writing blog i was like “ok bean is on my top to-follow list” like i thought you were so cool and i was vv shy to interact with you🥺 and YOU STILL ARE COOL!! your works are really amazing and i am vv much still in love w my matchup w suga :’)

@killuababie

HHHH GRR BORK BORK I LUB U B NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BHH💓✨ bro,,,, when we switched over to insta it was WILD like— our sense of humor? matched. immaculate. please i love seeing all the memes u send me it makes my day so much like u don’t understand😭 and our convos really go chaos sometimes gkfjdj i love it. u need to pull up and play among us w me sometime 😡

@bewwybun

m-my first spouse🥺 even tho it was a joke the first time and i said sike fkdjdjdj but you still accepted my dino chimken nuggie ring hehe <3 bub your are literally the CUTEST HHHHH LIKE,,, cuteness overload !!! i love talking to you sm and our little exchange of heart memes make the butterflies in my tummy go ✨

@mei-writes

may🥺 imy bub i hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. still very grateful for that time you pulled through to check which of my links weren’t working. and there’s a LOT. like the fact that you took time out of your day for me still baffles me. anyway im lomve you ik we don’t talk as much but you’re still a valued moot to me. im offering u free headpats hehe

@kozsma

hi maria👉👈 you’re so wonderful and rlly amazing w your smaus. absolutely smitten over our chaotic conversations fkfjd we haven’t talked in a while but if you see this just know that i’m here for you <3 take some self care okay? hope you’re doing good bub

@tsukkeisimp

dalia, you wondering being💞 please what did i do to deserve your love >;( we don’t talk much but we have exchanged heart memes before and you’re always out here supporting me whenever you can and like!! tysm bub. i hope you’re feeling better from the last time we interacted, and please do take good care of yourself!

@satorispup

can’t believe you made a reputation of having a piss kink. what power. what energy >>> anyway it’s fun seeing your chaotic energy on my feed/tl. sometimes i won’t even look at the user and say yeah💔 that’s hero alright gkfjdj also you’re so cute what the heck😡😡

@tobiokvgs

[ insert 100 hearts ] this for u bub. im still going crazy over your tsukki lipbalm piece like i was so FLUSTERED you really did that huh😭 you’re so nice and sweet, ty for giving me headbonks as well im really glad to get them😌 hope you have an amazing day bub, and take care!!

@bunnyuuji

cutecutecutest bean ever🥺 you have such wonderful works and im truly in love with your writing😌 also you’re so SWEET WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE U GKFJDJ literally you weren’t obligated to stop by my ask and check in but u did >:(

@yanderepunkin

hehe ik we haven’t interacted in such a long time but im including you!! bc i appreciate you!! i know you’ve supported me a lot especially when i just started this blog and im really thankful for it. also uhhh im still not over accidentally turning off anon when i was- yeah😿 i wish you all the love in the world, and please do take gentle care of yourself 💓

@ahkaahshi

frannn👁👁🤲 yes im gonna start with how big brained you are. your passion for textiles and improving the environment is vv cool to me. and then there’s the fact you write these hq characters so well. yes i am absolutely still living for your character analysis. i am thriving off of them!! here’s me manifesting kita and/or sakusa to show up in your dreams hehe

@sachirou-senpai

i hope you dont mind me sending u stuff every now and then! anyway im in awe of your writing and art skills. you brought a realistic yamaguchi and i ascended😳 i genuinely think you’re such a cool person but also please take breaks!! ik it’s such an overused phrase but i genuinely mean it. i care u <3

@kenmakodzu

you’re so sweet and you do really be sending me back some heart memes😳 i go BOOM BOOM yaya that’s more to my collection;) also you and your hq anon interactions go WILD omg it really does make my day more interesting whenever i see them😂 also i do be seeing some of ur chaotic energy on my dash and i am HERE for it

@tsukkisbean

hemlo clara🥺 d-do you remember me gkdjshsjs i think its been a while since we interacted. you’re so sweet and AHH lmao did u know we were in a poly with wiss😔💔 yeah❤️ n e way i hope you’ve been alright these past few weeks, and if not, please get some break!

@atsunflower

miya twin supremacy😡 can’t believe you made me swerve over to osamu’s lane because of your amazing writing. how could you. the mf audacity. i rlly do fell in love with that piece do so THAMK U and that also goes for the support you’ve given me💗

@lespaghetti

ozzy👁👁🤝 ngl our conversations have been top tier im glad i got to uhmm,,, get some of these *thoughts* out of my head. you’re such a sweet little bean!!! that art/sketch you did with the purple (?) themed uniforms was really cute. im glad to have u as my moot and *cough* my vip reader *cough*

@sleepykarabou

our heart meme streak was strong until school happened😔 but i really enjoy them tho!! it’s very calming talking to you (fun, but also vv calming idk that’s how i feel) loving the brainrots we give each other of our favs from time to time :’) also omg OSRRY im barely active in the server please spare me😿 im lomve u

@nerdybreadcollaborative

gee!! AHHHH KGFJJD GRRR u sweet bean oh my goodness. where do i start- ??? i’ve already gushed so much abt your writing but here we go again; i love your writing so much and your attention to the little details is so great. they flow so well and i hope u get more visibility bc it’s what u deserve!! also please take care of yourself and don’t work too much u nerdy bean

@nishinoya-is-baby

ely my plant kinnie, my spouse (?) and also the blog that i dump my h word thots on😭❤️ ahhh im lomve you, you’re amazing. from your writing, to your makeup skills, and your room, the talent really ✨jumped out✨thank you for supporting me so much, i genuinely appreciate it. i hope we can stay moots despite me being busy gkfjdj anyway take care bbie don’t work too much okay?

@art0saurus

TATE😤 the amount of hq brainrot you’ve fed me is astronomical. idk how you keep coming up with such good ideas but im all for them!! i love your writing so much and the plots are so *chefs kiss* (yes im still gushing over mermaid!bokuto). thank you so much for sending some bits of positivity into my life, im really grateful for it :’)

@dorkyhaikyu

EL!😼 you sweet bean. wish i could bombard ur asks but school is saying no </3 you’re such a sweet mutual and your writing is absolutely amazing. still kinda hurt over that angst u made💔 but anyway i loved it sm. also please wear safer shoes next time on big events so u dont get any more BLISTERS kgjdjdh jkjk

@chickenwingspiker

nashnashnash🥺👉👈 wth you’re so cute and even cuter with the little emoticons u put in my asks. i really appreciate you taking time out of your day to check in on me. i think your works are really heckin cool, im still very into that sock agenda one and the akaashi fic AHH i love them sm. i hope that u have better experiences with online learning and i really wish you all the best on ur art journey <3

@miyastrology

did u forget abt our walk to the strawberry field😿 jkjk heyyy atlas!! im lomve your theme and your writing. i have the urge to say you’re as sweet as strawberry bc im unoriginal like that💔 let’s just pretend i put something kute :’( n e way u are vv cute, make sure to take care of yourself ok!!

@derpeedoo

your rb’s and comments on ppl works... i just... my heart is full. im complete. i go absolute doki doki for you. you’re such a genuine person and you give people so much love❤️ here’s an unlimited supply of my love to you bc you deserve it. ty for all the cute questions btw🥺

🕊 anon - still wondering if ur one of my already-moots or not😳 but anyway dove anon i have a lot to say,,, like how ?? do u go “ok let’s check in on aaron today hehe” like am i interesting??😭 i feel kinda bad ngl you really don’t have to talk to me. but nevertheless im really appreciate of all the support you’ve given me. i genuinely think you’re a cool person and you do all these fun stuff like photography which is amazing. here’s the biggest THANK YOU i could ever give <3 ps. your art is CUTE and AMAZING @bee-kins

@simping-for-tendou

do i??? spam your feed??😭 you’re always liking my posts and i feel so sorry for spamming but also vv appreciate of all the interaction i’ve had with you!! im very glad i got to ask you qotd and stuff because i got to know that you like plants as well!! thank you for sharing plant facts with me, it really made my day. i genuinely think you’re such an awesome and big brained person for knowing all those facts🥺👉👈

@wissaaltje

ngl i was very intimated by you bc of all your angst and really good works which is probably why i never reached out to you sooner😿 ur my uhhh third spouse <3 but anyway your CHAOTIC ENERGY is thru the roof i love that sm and your writing is so mf beautiful i wish more people got to see it😡 i will gib you flower soup and muddy pie to make you feel better ;) jkjk but you’re very amazing and i hope you know that!

@smolbludandelions

hehe you’re in here😼 thank you ???? for supporting me even tho you’re not obligated??? like wh- i- bub🥺🤲 you have all my heart and i rlly rlyy want to stop by your inbox and give you heart memes but me why >;( i hope you have the most amazing day(s) of your life because you deserve it SO much.

@tadashi-simp

FINALLY someone i can simp over yamaguchi with😭 ik we haven’t talked much but AH i love the conversations we’ve had so far and all that insight you gave me about the new wanda film (truly a blessing bc i was so genuinely confused gkfjdj).

@oikaw-ugh

just. JOLLIBEE. can’t believe one of our first interactions was u sending me chain mail smfh i cannot believe you😭 anyway po i appreciate you so much na kaka tawa ako sa mga msgs mo and all the good vibes u radiate. mag bisaya unta ko nimi pero baka mag nosebleed ako😿 im losing my native languages it’s not even funny anymore but when i got to talk to u in my mother tongue, i felt a bit more at home. thank you bub <3

@makemealive

hihi👉👈 idrk what we first talked about, i think it was spending vacation in the galapagos islands??😭 riding turtles??? what a great way to start our friendship :’) i rlly think you’re cool and i just,,,, admire u from afar- yeah. sorry this message is too chaotic but anyway u might not have a green thumb but look at you growing potatoes accidentally😌 anyway i think you’re cool i just haven’t said it before because im s Hy

@lostsealscreams

seal, bub, i genuinely care about you. you’re such a sweet person. i know we haven’t interacted much but im looking forward to more conversations with you!! please find little fun things to do... maybe do some self appropriation if you can, bc you deserve it. maybe even treat yourself... or any self care tasks that make you feel better. i care about you a lot, im just an ask/dm away if you wanna talk about anything at all💕💞✨

@hqgardenia - jkjk this is my spam account idk why i put this here but here probably bc im dumb as fuck

[belzinone]

☯ Bel's reaction to not reaching the top 10 and thus not being offered a spot in the Military Police

SEND ME ‘☯ + A SCENE FROM MY CHARACTERS CANON’ AND I WILL DRABBLE IT FROM MY CHARACTER’S POV. 

// WOO! here’s an excerpt from Sounds of Freedom!

As graduation day crept further into the present, every visit from my mother had the topic of me joining the Military Police. Enthused by my exam scores, she had even higher hopes for us. Compared to the meager chump change we earned now, I had the potential to earn a fortune working directly for the king due to both my medical and military training. I’ve never seen her so hopeful. Joining the MP would deter me from a little more than half of my dream, but I could still treat wounded soldiers returning from civil duties. Humans can still cause substantial harm to other humans. Not nearly as much as titans, but I could still put my skills to good use. After all, I owed it to my mother. She had worked so hard keeping me safe and healthy. I wanted to give her rest as much as I wanted to contribute to the future of humanity. I was all she had left.

For the remainder of my training, I diverted my attention from books and focused on my physical and combat strength. I was considered average compared to the most physically adept recruits of my class, and I couldn’t waste any more time neglecting my athletics if I wanted to make the top ten and have a chance of joining the Military Police.

The night finally came, and the beautiful stratus streaks of the day still remained in the sky, only painted with the aphotic hues of the night. Earlier that day, we had supplemental sparring matches, which was unusual. What was also unusual was that we weren’t told of our ranks beforehand. I heard along the grapevine that prior graduation traditions consisted of ample time off in order to give the recruits a little more time to decide on their branches. This time in particular, they held the last-minute sparring sessions because there was a tie in the rankings, regardless of the usual eschewing of hand-to-hand combat performance. I grabbed my shoulder and exhaled my hopes, the breath attracting the frigid evening air before disappearing like a distant dream as I recalled the conversation during the superiors’ deliberation of the matches.

Since the matches were a rare phenomenon, a small audience of family members came to watch. Among them, of course, was my mother, whom I could tell had difficulty following the “no cheering” rule. The rest of the families quickly succumbed to the brashness of our drill instructor, but she was too focused on me. Damn it. Stop looking at me like that! You’re making me nervous! Check out my competition instead! My head was rampant with anxiety as I assumed my starting position and was floored again and again. I was among thirteen recruits, suggesting some really close calls, but I fell so far behind them that I wondered how on earth I was counted amongst them. The last victor, a boy whom was kind to me in all circumstances aside from combat, lent me his hand as the others lined up to be judged. We all held our salute as the names were called in order. It took every ounce of pride I had to keep my head from dropping as I glanced towards my mother… counting the names on her fingers… beaming with hope after each digit folded into her rugged palms.

While the rest of the camp rejoiced, I remained standing there in my salute. My neck had surrendered to the resultant statistics. They were real, and so clear. As the shadow of my mother’s characteristic and excessively frilly “special occasion” skirt descended from the peak of my vision, I bolted with no discretion until I found myself in the farthest corner of the camp where the extra combat supplies were stored. Whilst making my way towards the back of the shed, I sliced my shoulder along a misplaced blade and tripped over a 3DMG that was left opened on the ground. I wiped my face with my dust-covered sleeve and staggered onto my elbows to look behind me. The gear was placed atop a once neatly spread sheet with a few tools and spare parts surrounding it. Near the corner of the sheet was a small cup of tea with steam still curling up into the low vaulted roof of the wooden shed, suggesting that someone was in the middle of repairing it. Oh no. I wasn’t supposed to be there under any circumstances. Whomever was working on it could be returning at any moment and if I was found I could be severely punished. I don’t know how the branches disciplined their ranks, but I guessed they would be far worse than our drill instructor’s “run ‘till the sun sets” regime. It would be even worse if I was found in this state right before joining a branch, with my snot-dripping nose, tear-ridden face, dusty uniform, and minced shoulder.

That’s right.

My shoulder.

Suddenly aware of the pain, I grimaced through clenched teeth and shakily rose to my feet. Beneath a dimly active candle, I scoured the shed for a cloth long enough to wrap my shoulder before returning to the ceremony and facing my fate. I quickly came across  what appeared to be a small hunter green rag hanging near the doorway. I quickly wrapped my shoulder and was about to step off the doorway when I recalled the mess I had made. Leaving it in its panic ridden state would definitely alert the person who had been there. Deliberating the precious time I was wasting in my escape, I began straightening up the makeshift workstation.

As I quickly smoothed out the edge of the sheet, footsteps resounded near the door. I jerked around, ready to salute and beg for forgiveness when my eyes opened to my mother’s fatigued and heaving form.

“Bel!” she called out and threw her arms around me, “I’m so sorry! You fought so hard and came so close! Don’t feel bad! So what you didn’t make the MPs! You can join the Garrison troops and work your way up! I’m proud of you! No matter what!”

Her thin shoulders jammed into my throat as held me tight and stroked my back. She loosened enough to see my shoulder and pulled away, “Ah, look what you did… we’d better get you back to town before it gets infected. Come on, let’s go,” she pulled one of the doctor’s cloths from her purse and handed it to me.

She pulled my other hand and I stopped in my tracks.

“Bel? Come on, we have to go treat you quickly so you can make the Garrison sign ups.”

The tears reemerged from my eyes. I was about to disappoint her again. If not, break her heart.

“Mom… I want to join the Survey Corps.”

She released my hand and her purse fell from her shoulders with a hollow thud against the weathered wooden entrance. Her eyes widened and her pupils shrunk despite being illuminated by the rays of the midday sun that made its way through the splintering boards.

“What?” she finally spoke.

“I want to join the Survey Corps, Ma.”

Frantically clasping my shoulders in her hands, perhaps unintentionally including the injured one, she shouted, “What on earth are you thinking?! You’re better than that! Use your brain for your work! You can’t just go out to die!” The tears started forming in her eyes, too, “We already lost your brother! I can’t lose you too!“

My older brother. He offered himself up to the Survey Corps for what was to us at the time a hugely substantial amount of money. A small group of sponsoring nobles had descended to the underground that day, searching for able men to enlist. Overflowing with his pride of being the man of the family, he left us to fight for our world, and never returned. Instead of using the money solely for food, my mother and I continued our small cleaning business and eventually bought citizenship into a small bubbled community outside Wall Maria. We made the most of his sacrifice, but our hearts remained heavy with his warmly profound memory.

She grabbed the arm that I injured and marched me out the door. This time for sure, it was intentional.

"You didn’t make the MPs, so you’re joining the Garrison, is that clear?” She showed no sign of turning her head to face my answer.

“Ok.” I choked, pressing the fresh cloth over my eyes with my uninjured hand and stifling my sobs.

“Wait,” she stopped and turned around, “I forgot my purse.”

Wrapped up and slightly drowsy from the pain medicine, I leaned my head back and stared up into the sky as our instructor droned on about the century-long or so history between humanity and the titans. I had been ranked last amongst the deciding trainee group. Although I was sad I disappointed my mother, I wanted to join the Survey Corps from the start. With such a high mortality rate, there’d be far more opportunities to save lives and… study titans. Every day in the mess hall was filled with passionate chatter consisting of the deep universal hatred of titans. I didn’t understand how people could speak so vindictively about a thing. I can understand the anger of being horribly wronged, the pestering annoyance of a cabinmate who could never sleep without leaving a candle lit, and even the disgust of a certain food you can’t stand to smell or swallow. But I never really felt like I despised those things nearly as much as all the people around me despised titans. I can’t really say that I hate my father; I just feel a profound mutual indifference to him. I can’t say that I hate that strawberry blonde cabinmate who has a fear of the dark; everyone has their insecurities. I can’t even say that I hate cheese; people have different tastes.

I don’t hate titans. Despite their instinctive nature to prey upon humans, they’re just predators, just living beings. We didn’t choose to be humans, so maybe titans didn’t choose to be titans. Cats most likely didn’t choose to be cats. Dogs probably didn’t choose to be dogs. Birds may not have been given the choice to be either, but how wonderful it must be to have been born a bird…

I was awoken from my daydream by the applause of my fellow cadets and quickly joined them as our instructor concluded his speech and was replaced by the representative of the Scout Regiment, his stark blonde hair illuminated by the flickering torches surrounding the climax of the ceremony. It was time to weed out the cowards unwilling to join their ranks.

And I forced myself to become one of them. Forced to give up my dream of donning the wings of freedom in exchange for twin roses.

[dicecast]

End of Evangeline doesn’t know itself

     So a major theme of End of Eva is a giant “Fuck you” to Otaku culture and the Eva fandom in particular, and it is designed to strike directly at their creepy sense of entitlement, their insecurity, their extreme sexism, and their total spinelessness.  Shinji as the audience stand in is shown as basically a Gamergater, an insecure, shrill loser whose mass of insecurities make him impossible to be reasoned with and his internalized fear of rejection means that he can’t have normal relationship with people, in particular women.  Even the things he likes he destroys through his obsession and sense of ownership, such as when he masturbates to completion over the unconscious body of his friend who was wounded in battle.  It serves as a pretty good critic of Otaku culture and the entire creepy obsessive nerd fandom that surrounds it, and it is a really pointed response to the fandom who hated the original ending because it wasn’t a combat filled wish fulfillment fantasy.  So it is taking their self insert character and revealing him to be what the fandom is, a pathetic weakling who projects his insecurities on those around him rather than make any real attempt to face his problems directly.  Solid premise, and a nice way of calling out Nice Guy bullshit.  

Here is the problem....Shinji has never been a self insert character

(Pictured, not a power fantasy) 

     So the thing about Eva is that as much as people remember the weird existentialist shit, the vast majority of the show is....a pretty standard mecha anime (by which I mean its bad...its really bad).  It isn’t until the the show has to rewrite its own script and Ano has a mental breakdown that the show really starts to get interesting and actually worth a damn, but but most of the time it kinda is just standard.  The characters are bit better written than their arch type demands, but until the last few episodes Asuka, Rei, Misato and Ritsuko (all the other characters are terrible) are still very much their ‘role’, Asuka is still a Tsundere tough loud girl trope, Misato is the party girl/cool mom character, Rei is the quiet girl etc etc you get the idea.  They are better written than most, but they are still very much their arch type until the ending where suddenly they show their true selves.....

(once upon a time there wasn’t a standard trope)

     Except Shinji.  Shinji from the start stands out like a sore thumb in the whole process because...he isn’t an anime hero.  He really isn’t a hero at all, not in a moral sense, a mythic sense, or even a personal sense.  And he knows it too, I know the ‘reluctant hero” trope is a thing, but there is no protagonist ever who just wants to stay home and not go on an advnture as much as Shinji.  Now I hated the first episode of EVA....a lot, like I really really hated that opening episode, and if I wasn’t being paid I likely wouldn’t have kept going, but there was one moment where I kinda woke up and was like “huh.....thats....not what I expected’.  Which is when Gendo (aka worse character in the series) is like “You must accept your destiny” and Shinji is like “no”....not out of any moral sense or dramatic rejection, or even refusal of the call, but simply because he....is too emotionally depressed.  I mean compare this to Buffy, a character who is introduced Refusing the Call

   (Buffy, another main character who isn’t appreciated enough by the fans) 

 Buffy is rejecting the call but she is already a hero, and she is rejecting it for other responsibilities, and even then her desire to fight evil is just so strong she can’t stay home, she is a hero at heart who is just rejecting herself Shinji is not, Shinji is the least heroic person in the world suddenly being told he has to save the world and if he fucks up everybody dies.  

      Now remember, we don’t know who these characters are, we just met them but...when the fuck in anime does the main character be told out right that he is the chosen one and he has a destiny to save the world and the main character basically says “I am too emotionally unhealthy for this, please come back later”.   LIke the Refusal of the Call isn’t suppose to come until later in the story line, and Shinji is just so pathologically uninterested in being a hero that honestly....that was interesting.  Shinji gets a lot of hate but personally, for most of the show he was the one thing that kinda worked for me, the one character who was just so...not what the show wanted him to be that he stood out.  I mean lets talk about Shinji

(pictured...a power fantasy)

    Shinji is a deeply emotionally unhealthy sad person who has extremely low self esteem and has absolutely no spine, passively doing what other people tell him to do and basically living his life on an insecurity based auto pilot.  I think my absolute favorite scene is where it is shown that he practices the cello  every day and is asked if he liked it and he doesn’t have an answer.  And when asked why he practices, he is says he was told to practice when he was a kid so he he just does...this guy is just on inertia his whole life.  But the thing is, SHinji knows it.  He is acutely aware of his own failings, but has no sense of direction, will, or frankly audience to know what to do with it, and everybody around him seems to be either trying to use him, or is convinced that if he just gets more material rewards he doesn't’ care about he will get better on his own.  Instead he just becomes more and more insecure and avoidant until the last two episodes which are about him finally learning to value himself, at least a little. What is interesting about Shinji is that just kinda wants to...merge with the world around him (if you like the Enneagrams, Shinji is the Platonic 9 btw).  I mean that line “unfamiliar ceiling”, Shinji hates change, he hates disruption, he hates messiness, and he hates activity, and that is basically what his life is now, what SHinji likes to do is just kinda zone out.  And Singularity is actually...kinda appealing to him, its merging, its becoming one with a larger group, and losing individuality, and Shinji has been trying to give up on his own individuality since before the show started.  So his learning to acknowledge himself as an individual is the pivotal part of his story. 

     Ok, that’s nice and all, but other than my assertion that Shinji is the best character in the show and the internet is wrong, what is the point?  Well Shinji has never been a power fantasy self insert character, in fact that I think that is why people hate him so much, they want to have the fun mecha show and Shinji is there being sad.  I mean the argument against Shinji is always “stop being EMO and just do something already, you are piloting a mech what reason do you have to be sad’ but the thing is, what the audience wants to fantasize about and what Shinji want are just..opposite.  The teenage male audience is like 

“Omg, it would be so awesome if i could be the chosen one who gets to fight the big monsters and everybody thinks i’m awesome, and I live in a house with two hot ladies who are weirdly into me and often walk around without clothes and everybody at school thinks i’m cool and then I win and become the hero of the world, all by beating the shit out of things in a giant mech, ITS AWESOME”

and Shinji is like

“....why would anybody want any of those things?  Now i’m just sad”

(Shinji doesn’t like Mecha Anime and neither should you) 

Shinji’s existence is actively fucking with the power fantasy of the mecha anime, because what the audience is suppose to like he is indifferent too, he never enjoys any of the things that make up the power fantasy.  And that’s partly because Shinji doesn’t enjoy anything, but he really isn’t a self insert power fantasy character because he is just such a fucking downer.  So while I appreciate giving the finger to Otaku culture (trust me I do), personifying the audience fan base in Shinji is just...wrong.  Because Shinji already is a rejection of the audience, everything they want he rejects in favor of sitting in his room staring at the ceiling.  If Ano wanted to make that point, Shinji isn’t the tool to use it for, because Shinji isn’t what they idealize.  

   Which leads to the larger problem cause....Well, Shinji from the show just...isn’t Shinji from the movie, they don’t behave that way at all.  True Shinji (show) is deeply flawed, but he would never masturbate over somebody, even if he had the desire, he would chicken out and do it at home.  And while Shinji is a deeply fucked up person who does have issues with women, he never displays that kind of entitlement and sense of ownership towards his friends that he does in the movie.  Shinji is deeply insecure about sex yes and he does check out the women around him, but his response to that is mostly shame and self loathing (his response to fucking everything), not a sense of ownership.  Honestly, if anything, they claim ownership over him, Asuka clearly has a crush on him (its mutual) and actively pressures him into kissing her (he fucks it up because of course he does) and despite being his guardian, Misato actively hits on Shinji like....a lot

(erm...what)

     Honestly, its really uncomfortable, when you watch this show as a teenage boy its like “oh the hot grown up how is COOL and confident and hip and drinks, and is confident about sex is into you, holy crap” but looking back, its kinda fucked up, I mean Misato is his boss and guardian and unlike with Asuka, Shinji doesn’t seem comfrotable with how much he hits on her.  He checks her out and fantasizes about her cause he is like 14, but the dynamic obviously makes him uncomfortable, he is attracted to her sexually but clearly the power dynamic is weird also why the fuck is she hitting on a 14 year old, she is like 28 i mean come on.  My point is, that in the show, while Shinji does have a weird relationship to the women in his life and really should question some of his sexist assumptions, he isn’t the type of larval form MRA as shown in the movie, that type of naked aggression towards women as a group just isn’t shown as part of his behavior.  I mean Shinji can (and does) do many awful thing, but having an object of affection who he feels so possessive of that he attempts to strangle her in order to vent his frustrations isn’t in his character.  I mean in terms of violating people’s boundries and showing lack of care for their feelings...in the show that is mostly happening to Shinji.  I mean Misako and Asuka really never take his feelings into account about anything and while he does the same to them (again show Shinji isn’t a good person) he just wants to go to his room, they keep aggressively making him uncomfortable.  And i’m not saying they are bad (well I am kinda saying that about Misato) just that this isn’t a dynamic or mindset Shinji displays, he isn’t an aggressive Otaku fanboy seeking a power tribe or sex, he is a deeply disturbed person who wants to hide in his room.  

Movie Shinji is effectively an entirely new character, or rather it is Shinji being written wrong, in essence its like if the character Shinji was possessed by the desires and insecurities of the fandom rather than his own, so he has all of his passivity and cowardice, but over entirely different issues.  The emotional climax of End of Eva is the women in his life actively calling him out for being an entitled selfish person who expects women to fix his problems and blames them for not being perfectly clear with him about their intentions, women existing to suit his needs. Asuka in particular makes a point about how Shinji doesn’t even care about her because of anything about her, he just wants to go after her because he feels he has a chance and is too afraid of rejection to go after anybody else.  He snaps once Asuka calls him a coward, which is a direct fuck you to the Otaku fandom, people who are obsessed with stories about heroism but are in fact cowards themselves.  

(cough)

     Meanwhile in the show, Shinji already knows he is a coward, in fact he knows it so deeply and it is so internalized that he basically doesn’t function, and the message he needs to take is “yes, you are a coward, but that isn’t an absolute term, that can change.  Anything about you can change if you recognize that you can change it.  And most importantly, even if you are a coward, you can still love yourself.”   I am not being original when I say these endings are exactly the opposite, because Shinji is a different character.  And while I am totally fine calling out Otaku culture because its a fucking dumpster fire, the point doesn’t actually work because Shinji isn’t the character you want to use to deliver that message.   Shinji isn’t that fandom, so having him be their mouthpiece means that it comes off as incoherent rather than righteous.  

   And also.....Otaku culture’s relationship to women is really fucked up but lets be honest here, the screwed up sexual politics of EVA isn’t just the fandom, Rei, Asuka, and Misato are all extremely sexualized from the word go by the series itself, and there is a TON of fanboy-ism within the original show.  The Fans aren’t making this shit up, they are taking it from the show itself.  So it comes off as kinda hypocritical to call them out, even if Ano is entirely correct to do so.

      End of Eva is just like the original show, it has some solid points but the entire show is too much of an incoherent mess to really pull them off, and the subtext of the movie (The toxic and obsessive nature of Otaku fan culture leads to selfishness, bitterness, and destroying the thing you love) has nothing to do with the text (Random christian imagery and giant robots being eaten).  But the show worked better because its subtext was largely consistent, everything else in the show might be a mess, but Shinji from start to finish is the exact same sad sack he has always been, and the resolution hinges on him....not doing that anymore.  There is a consistent thread in an otherwise inconsistent show, and that is Shinji, as fucking......I can’t even say.

     This is why End of Eva doesn’t work, it doesn’t have a core to wrap its point around, and so it has all the terrible thing the show has, without the one thread to redeem it.  Trust me, it is much better to hear End of Eva summarized then seen, while I honestly recommend the last two episodes of the show to anybody (not the rest of the show necessarily).  I mean Eva is a mess generally, but the show at least has something it wants to say, while the movie is mostly just vomiting..emotions.

    Actually legit, you know how Shinji builds up anger all day long and then kinda vomits it out at random points (9)?  Yeah, I kinda feel Ano is doing the same, End of Eva is basically a temper tantrum and he is breaking all of his toys, this is slightly excused because the people who pissed him off are literally the worse but still.........End of Eva is basically an emotional breakdown on film, which is interesting but not enjoyable.