#everyone thought it was gonna suck at first because it looks like rick and morty but it's fun

[hooved]

lower decks haters stop reblogging my screenshots just to say how bad it looks lmao. it’s like actually a pretty decent show

[the-unspeakable-tsar]

Kidnapping The Grunk

In 2018, I was 17. I wrote a Gravity Falls/Rick and Morty crossover fic called "Kiddnapping The Grunk". I'm 23 now, and I was looking at my ao3 account, and I saw it. So, I decided to rewrite the fic. The original person who wanted me to write the fic no longer exists on Tumblr. But here's the new version in its entirety.

Stan’s eyes opened up into complete darkness. He started to move but found his limbs stiff and wrapped in something. He was stuck and started thrashing around. He’d gotten it into his head that he was twisted up in his bedsheets again and started screaming.

“Oh god! Soos! Get the jaws of life! Get some snips or somethin’! I’m stuck!” he shouted.

“Nobody’s gonna help you out here, ole man,” said a strange voice from the dark.

“Who’s that?” said Stan. His tone was not so much panicked but annoyed. “Robbie Valentino, this better not be some stupid prank. I’m not playing around with you and Wendy’s games anymore!”

A new voice chimed in, making robotic tutting, “Nah, you don’t get it do ya?” We’re holding your ass for ransom.”

“Ransom?” said Stan. He considered the thought for a moment. “If you cut me in on this, I can get my brother to fork over some more cash. I know he’s good for it.”

“Shut the fuck up!” shouted the first voice. “If your scrawny boy toy doesn’t deliver the Smidgens we want, we’re going to slit your Cromdamned throat!”

“Boy toy? What the heck are you talking about?” he asked and received a smack across the face for it.

Everyone who surrounded him began to laugh as Stan’s head spun.

“Don’t play dumb,” he said. “You were rolling heavy with Rick Sanchez in this part of the galaxy for ten years. Suppose your spastic lust pet doesn’t show up; we’re going to cut your head off and bury you somewhere like a vampire.”

“Who?” asked Stan.

---

A large green portal opened up into a land covered in prone grease grease-slicked grandmothers. Two aged scientists stepped out and into the town. The residents of the town looked at them with fascination. Stanford Pines looked down at his tracker pad, which pinged with a map of this area and the little tracker.

“I cannot believe that my brother has gotten wrapped up in your nonsense, Sanchez,” he said. 

“Better believe it,” said Rick Sanchez, punctuating his brief statement with a burp. 

“You’re lucky I didn’t kill you myself. What are they? Flansians? Predators? The Tall Whites?” asked Stanford, rapidly firing his questions at Rick.

“Beats the hell out of me,” said Rick. “If they’re after me through, Stan I’ll take care of them. Don’t worry your prissy little head about it.” 

Rick reached over and started tussling Stanford’s hair drunkenly, only for Ford to take his hand away. “None of that!”

“You can’t still be angry because I didn’t call you after our night of passion in the Hamburger Fields,” he said. Dismissing him.

“I can be, and I am!” he shouted.

“Oh blah, blah, blah! BLIGHITY BLAH!” shouted Rick. “Stan’s a better man than you anyways. He knows how to make a man feel appreciated. Y’know?” 

Rick then feigned ecstatic moans, “Ohh Stanley, yeah, yeah, yeah, right therreee!” 

“That’s lewd,” growled Stanford. His face flushed a deep red.

“You would know,” said Rick. “I recall you getting very into me sucking on your fingers.” 

“Nope,” Stanford walked forward. Stomping as he went. “Not listening. Just help me find my brother.”

Rick made a dismissive noise. “Bleh…fine….So, does he ever talk about me?” 

“Hmm?” began Stanford. “No, never.” 

“C’mon, i’m being serious right now. He must, right?’ asked Rick.

“Nope. Up until we got the note, I didn’t even know you two were acquainted,” said Stanford.

“What? We spent nearly a decade together, fucking and savaging around the country,” said Rick. “He must remember me.” 

“Well,” said Ford apprehensively. “There’s a chance that he genuinely doesn’t remember.” 

“Oh god, has he been hit with Alzheimer's?” said Rick, feeling his age.

“The truth is more…odd,” Said Ford. “Do you remember when i talked about Weirdmageddon?” 

“Dumb name, yes.”

“Ignoring that…To destroy Bill, Stanley allowed him to invade his mind…Then we erased it,” said Ford.

“You sick son of a bitch!” growled Rick.

“Oh, grow the hell up, Sanchez. I heard about how you regularly erase your grandson’s memories over minor mistakes on your end,” said Ford.

“How did you hear about that?” asked Rick.

“Summer and Wendy are friends on Tumblr,” said Ford.

“Goddamn, Summer,” whispered Rick under his breath. But then Rick smiled, “Hot Damn, Fordy baby, you’ve just given me a chance at this bullshit thing called love!” 

Rick pushed Ford over, and the old man fell on his ass. They opened up a portal that entered them into a dimension filled with bright blue slime bags, and they bounced off of them, weaving between each other as they fell. Rick blessed another portal into the wall of the dimension and it led into the back room of a bar.

Surrounding Stan’s tied-up form were impossibly tall robots and short dwarven aliens with big fly eyes. They all pulled their guns and started firing at the pair. They ducked behind pillars and exchanged looks. Ford looked ready to kill Rick.

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!” he shouted.

“Relax,” Rick stepped in front of the scene.

His body was quickly riddled with plasma fire. The bolts of liquid energy passed through his scrawny form like butter, but he kept stepping forward. The aliens screamed at him in their native tongues—horrid insect chirping. Rick’s left arm unfolded, forming a kind of gun made of green semi-metal and flesh. The flesh gun sprayed the aliens with a horrible mist that caused their skin to erupt in horrible sizzling boils and caused the metal skin of the robots to erode rapidly.

“Come to me, everybody!” he shouted. “Look at me go! Your gods might not be real, but I’m sending you to him all the same!”

Ford stood behind the pillar, picking off stragglers with his pistol and resenting every word that fell out of Rick Sanchez’ stupid head. He didn’t have to do all of this. They could have just killed them; they didn’t have to cook alive inside their bodies.

Once this mad violence was over, Stanford dashed over to Stanley and tore the bag off his head; his brother winced at the light.

“It’s okay, Stanley, you’re going to be alright,” said Ford as he began to undo the binds.

Rick turned and flashed Stanley a look. He thought it was sexy, with is hip cocked to the side and the bulge in his pants prominently displayed. 

“Hey, hot stuff,” said Rick. “I’m Rick Sanchez, and I’m the rescue committee.”  

“Yeah,” said Stan. “I know who you are.”

Suddenly, Rick froze. Shit, he remembers all the scumbag shit I did.

Once up, Stan strode across the room and pushed Rick up against the wall, forcing his tongue into his mouth and dry-humping him against the wall. Ford stood by, irritated that it built up to this. He turned his head so he didn’t have to see the image of the two.

“You scrawny son of a bitch,” said Stan. “You made me remember that I missed you.”

[geteffed]

rick headcanons?

SHDHAHSJDA AAAAAA yes okay let me smoke first

Alright I just smoked.

So, this is gonna be long and scrambled but here we go

Rick definitely loves morty a lot but refuses to admit it to himself because what is love yknow? You have so much love for one person (Diane) and then you don’t really feel the same type of love for anyone else. He loves Morty and Beth (his favorite relatives) a whole lot but not in the same way. Even Beth and Space Beth are loved and admired in different ways guys he just loves his family okay. He even cares for Jerry. Like okay rant right here umm TW emotions but I love my dad right and he loves my uncle but I don’t really no my uncle so I can’t say I really love him. I care about him. Idk if it’s love for sure

Okay rant over

Um also this one is like… tmi so I won’t stay on it long but in a world where beth looked exactly like Diane…. Yeaaaaaaaah that’s more of an intrusive headcanon I’m sorry to fuck y’all’s eyes up

And also HES IN LOVE WITH BIRDPERSON LIKE BACK ON THE DIANE TOPIC I think he loved Diane in the way that you would want to spend the rest of your life with them and he loved birdperson in a similar perspective to that but he loved birdperson in the ride or die way. Like, 50/50 everything on the table, trauma bonded stoner husbands (omg shoutout to Cade + his husband who don’t know I use tumblr) like their relationship is literally rick/birdperson wish you guys knew them.

Um yeah so he loved birdperson but not the same way as Diane like, I would be explaining this with percentages but 1. I’m so fucking stoned rn and 2. You can’t measure a nonexistent thing in percentages. Love is a concept, love mean something different to everyone and it really can’t be calculated… I think I might be demisexual wow okay breakthrough

I feel weird about that one paragraph now wow whatever y’all don’t think about it too hard. Open your minds to concepts even if they are fucked up. It’s so fun to think about but it gets sad when it’s reality idk don’t cancel me? Or do. Cowards.

Also. He invents things for his grandkids to show love. Like, sometimes I wish I could build a robot to help my dad because damn I want him to get helped but also ummm also um fuck what was I— OH YEAH I WANT HIM HELPED BUT I realllllyyyyy don’t feeling like being in his presence yknow I don’t really wanna have a “dad” conversation rn

Wow I’m talking a lot about my own life. Okay spoiler alert I have a dad and a brother and both of them suck.

But yeah I’m out of thoughts and I’m gonna smoke more now

[recentanimenews]

FEATURE SERIES: My Favorite One Piece Arc with Steve Yurko

  I love One Piece and I love talking to people who love One Piece. And with the series going on 23 years now, there is a whole lot to talk about. As the series is about to publish its 1000th chapter, a true feat in and of itself, we thought we should reflect upon the high-seas adventure and sit down with some notable names in the One Piece fan community and chat about the arcs they found to be especially important, or just ones they really, really liked.

  Welcome to the next article in the series "My Favorite One Piece Arc!"

  My next guest in this series is Steve Yurko, co-host of The One Piece Podcast, a podcast with a subject you can probably guess. He's also a former storyboard artist for Rick & Morty and is currently working for Netflix Animation. As a ride-or-die Sanji fan, Steve chose the Baratie Arc, where Luffy and the gang run into an East Blue restaurant with a cool chef that loves to cook and kick.

  A note on spoilers: If you haven't seen the Baratie arc yet, this interview does contain major plot points. Watch the Arlong Park arc starting RIGHT HERE if you'd like to catch up or rewatch!

    Dan Dockery: So a friend tells you, "I'm done with the Syrup Village arc and I'm not sure if I want to watch this next one. I think I might be tapped out on this whole One Piece thing. In one sentence, how do you get them to stay and watch the Baratie arc?

  Steve Yurko: The Baratie arc laid down the foundation and created the formula of the One Piece arc as we know it.

  That's pretty good!

  Yeah, I’d say that, when I first started it, One Piece was my third favorite. I was more of a fan of series like Shaman King and Naruto, but after Baratie, things shifted. It was a turning point for me. I would hope that it would do the same for anyone who’s, say, previously apathetic towards the series.

    How old were you when you first read it? Or watched it?

  It feels weird to say this, but my introduction to One Piece was Chapter 1. Like Dragon Ball Z, the first episode I can remember watching was, like, Yamcha training on King Kai’s planet, and I’d get Goku and Yamcha confused and stuff, because I had just dived in. So for me to start a story like One Piece from the beginning is kind of rare. I was 15, I think.

  So, we're jumping into Baratie, and we first see the guy with the brass knuckles, Fullbody. He's trying to act cool on a date and he's being mean to everyone else. And then we have Sanji being typical Cool Sanji and Fullbody acts up and Sanji just tears through him. How did you react? Did you know immediately that you'd like this waiter?

  Well, I don't want to alarm you here, but my first thought was “Sanji’s cool!” I’d seen images of him before, and I saw his black suit and blond hair and I figured, “Oh, another crew member, probably. Looks distinct enough.” So I often have to look back and wonder “Did I like him because of his edgy coolness?” but I think now it’s because there were more layers to him. Like, he definitely stands out from the other Straw Hats, but he also has this distinct fighting style with cool reasoning. He’s a cook and he doesn’t want to bust up his hands trying to punch people in the face, so he uses his feet. So, he does like these cool capoeira kicks, which only gets better as they go along because I feel like so many anime characters, the stronger they get, the more they start to fight the same with fast volleys of punches and laser blasts. So Sanji’s kicks are a great way to differentiate himself from the main cast and other anime heroes. 

  So, then we have Luffy, he shows up by damaging the Baratie. Enter: Zeff. Full disclosure: In my infinite naivete when I first watched One Piece, I thought Zeff was going to be the new crew member. And then I thought Gin was going to join the Straw Hat crew. And then when Sanji finally joined, I was like, "This guy? Really? Dark horse candidate over here."

  You didn’t know yet?

    I guess I hadn't watched the first ED yet — when the crew slowly shows up and stands beside one another.

  You saw Usopp’s silhouette appear and thought, “Eh, I’ve seen enough.”

  "That must be all of them."

  It happens.

  So, you meet Zeff, and you learn about Sanji and Zeff's relationship, and we get a big One Piece flashback. What do you think of that? Because it would become a staple of the series to kinda pause, see what happened to an important guy, and then come back.

  Such an incredible story and so gruesome and terrifying. Sanji’s original flashback is so underrated because it could happen to anyone! Like, you’d have to go out of your way to get stranded on an island, but going days and weeks without food or any real comfort? I think people underestimate how traumatizing that would be. And then Zeff losing his leg because he hacked it off for food, it’s brutal. Just thinkin’ about that, I feel it in my shins. Because that almost happened to me with a minor injury. I let a minor injury get infected, and I could’ve been close to losing a leg.

    Wait, what? Gahd.

  I was doing box jumps at a gym, and my shin hit the corner of this wooden crate.

  Yeah, those things have no give in them.

  Absolutely. And at the time, I thought it was just this dark spot on my shin. And I figured it was, ya know a bruise. So I let it be. And then I picked at the scab and I realized “Wow, that’s a little deeper than I thought. I guess I’ll go to the doctor if it gets worse.” And I kept going to the gym, wearing pants over like this open wound. And my left leg is so swollen. So I went to two different doctors, as the first one did tests and then sent me to another one. And when this doctor saw me, the look on her face said “Oh, this is bad.” So I laughed out loud about how dumb I was and the doctor turned to me and said “This isn’t funny. This IS SERIOUS.” It had gotten infected with bacteria and it was spreading, and she just took a sharpie and drew around the infected area, and gave me antibiotics and was like “You have to keep this elevated, and if the redness goes outside of this line, go to the hospital.” But luckily, I recovered, even though the doctors were like “Honestly, we thought you’d go to the hospital.” So when Zeff severs his foot with a rock, how does anyone not feel that? 

  Do you think that's one of the reasons Luffy is fascinated by Sanji at first? His mentor, Shanks, lost his arm and was cool about it. Zeff lost his leg and was cool about it. Basically twins.

  That’d be an interesting conversation that we never got to see. Just two dudes talking about how weird it is that both their father figures did that, with only Luffy thinking it’s cool. 

    Don Krieg's ship gets blown in half by an incomprehensibly cool character, Mihawk, the first Warlord to appear in the show. You see Mihawk arrive — what is your reaction to him? Because it's not a case of "The villain of the villain is my friend," but rather "Oh, he did that to the villain? I hope he does not do that to us, as that would suck."

  It’s almost like the good guys meeting the bad guys, and then a tornado comes in. But here’s the thing: I missed the issue of Jump where Zoro fought Mihawk. So I assumed that Zoro had just won. The greatest swordsman in the world shows up and Zoro beats him. Boom. The climax of his character arc has been achieved. Nothing left for Zoro. 

  He just did it.

  I didn’t find out until so much later that Zoro lost. I wasn’t quite aware of what made for a captivating story yet. At that time, an obstacle appears, an obstacle gets taken out, ya move on. I almost want to apologize to Mihawk. 

  I love how One Piece does this though. They do it with Smoker and Aokiji and the like. It reminds me of The Witcher III when you go off the path a little bit, and you're at a Level 4 and then a Level 39 Gryphon swoops down and decapitates you. It keeps the "power levels" interesting.

  Luffy starts up Breath of the Wild and goes right for Calamity Ganon. But Mihawk is like the analogy for the Grand Line. He represents it, without revealing too much. Mihawk is like a Pizza Hut demo disc of danger.

  I really like that. And no one knows, to this day, exactly how powerful he is. Over 20 years later, and we're still wondering how he matches up against Shanks or Blackbeard or whatever. One Piece has so many characters where Oda hasn't shown his full hand in regards to them, yet we're totally emotionally invested in them. That's good storytelling.

  He’s doing something right. And I love that Mihawk has a little character arc here, too, where he shows up nonchalantly slicing up Krieg’s ships, probably doesn’t expect much, and then he’s taken aback by Zoro’s gusto, because he hasn’t seen anyone like that in a while. And he slices Zoro down. But he respects him, when in the beginning, he clearly didn’t respect anyone around. Mihawk wants to see him be better and try to take him down one day. For him to willingly build someone up like that is rare. Like Frieza wouldn’t do that.

    So, Don Krieg — what were your opinions of him at the time? Because he's a really bad guy surrounded by more morally grey guys like Mihawk and Gin.

  What I like about the East Blue saga is that every main villain is an antithesis of Luffy and what makes Luffy a truly great captain. Buggy is all about treasure. Kuro is about ambition and the fortitude to be a pirate. Krieg is about might and strength, and Krieg thinks he has both of those because of his weapons and armor. But Luffy has willpower and ambition and doesn’t let the world change his views. Luffy is incorruptible whereas Krieg is willing to poison his own crew when stuff starts going south. Krieg isn’t fondly remembered, but he really serves his purpose in the story.

  So, after Krieg is defeated, Sanji turns down Luffy's offer to join the Straw Hat crew. Now, he knows this is a bad idea. He's not gonna find the All Blue floating around on the Baratie. Why doesn't he go immediately?

  Well, he knows it’s a bad idea but he’s completely misinterpreting Zeff’s sacrifice. He feels that since Zeff sacrificed his leg, he has to repay him by working for him indefinitely. But the reason that Zeff did that was because he wants Sanji to live on and chase his dream. That’s why Zeff took pity on him in the first place. He’s an older, worn-down man now, and he stopped chasing his dream. And now he wants to see Sanji or someone get a win. It lifts his spirit to see Sanji and live kinda vicariously through him. 

  So, the second time I ever cried over One Piece was during Sanji's goodbye and Zeff's "Don't catch a cold." The first time was when that little dog was trying to protect his dead owner's shop in Orange Town, but that's a different story. But this shot of Sanji on his knees thanking Zeff with all the cooks surrounding them is so iconic, and Sanji's acting like it's a gift that Zeff gave him that Sanji could never repay, while as you said, Zeff just wants Sanji to be happy. What did you get out of that? I assume that you're a human with human emotions.

  I cry every time I watch that. When I first saw it, I was like “How? How is a series this good?” And there’s so much to that ending sequence. Because the Baratie is built on this rough, angry masculinity. Just these dudes being mean and fighting each other and customers all the time. There’s never a time or a place for lending a shoulder to someone else. No emotional embraces of any kind. Just everyone berating everyone. No one can open up — just stupid man babies. And then you get to this moment where Sanji is leaving and they’re all trying to be cool while playing it off. Especially Zeff, who can’t give a legitimate goodbye, but rather a “Don’t catch a cold.” But there’s so much to that statement and the facade crumbles. All these grown men start bawling. 

    I've never thought about it that way. There's all these little hints of kindness, like feeding the bad guys, and it's a masculinity powder keg. And then Sanji, in an ultimate display of putting his heart out there, bows to the man who saved him and the keg explodes. That's really cool.

  ONE PIECE LIGHTNING ROUND!

  Favorite One Piece character?

  Sanji

  Favorite One Piece villain?

  Enel

  Favorite One Piece moment?

  March to Arlong Park

  Favorite Straw Hat Crew pairing?

  Luffy and Zoro

  Favorite moment of the new Wano anime arc?

  Soba Mask’s debut

  If you could eat one Devil Fruit, what would it be?

  Whatever Kanjuro’s fruit is

  Moment that made you cry the hardest?

  Sanji leaving the Baratie

  Moment that made you cheer the loudest?

  Straw Hats at the Tower of Justice standing across from Robin

  One Piece location that you'd like to live in?

  Whole Cake Island. Ya eat well, ya know, you can survive Big Mom

  Favorite fight scene?

  Sanji vs Mr. 2, of course

      Stay tuned for the next installment of "My Favorite One Piece Arc" as we speak with Botchamania creator Maffew about his favorite One Piece arc: Alabasta!!

        Daniel Dockery is a Senior Staff Writer for Crunchyroll. Follow him on Twitter!

  Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features.

By: Daniel Dockery

[daughter-o-f-eris]

Thundercats Roar 2019

So, I’m gonna try and be optimistic here. 1st off I’m actually not against reboots, we’ve gotten some great things from them. From the Batman the Animated Series we actually got a brand new Mr. Freeze backstory that has completely rebooted the cannon, and gave us one of the series most popular characters in Harley Quinn. Without that reboot we wouldn’t have either.

Now I did see the last Thundercats reboot, and I really liked it. Some didn’t like how young the characters were, I did. I though making Liono physically younger was no different than the show where he had an adult body but a child’s mind & had to grow up - this just reflected his development. I thought everything reflected everyone’s changes & how they really had to grow into these warriors we came to love instead of just “being” these defenders who just had a new place to guard. But that’s my take on it. As for this new show...

So for this new show, a few notes:

• the animation is apparently done by the same people or studio who does the art for Rick & Morty. So I don’t know if it’s gonna have any adult tones or if it’s just gonna have that sorta 80’s flowing motion.

• the only clips I’ve scene are from a highlight reel for all 2019 Cartoon Network cartoons, and what appears to be scenes from the intro. Nothing from the actual show.

• I haven’t heard yet who the target audiance is or what the plot is, & that is gonna be a huge factor. I mean if it’s going to say poke at the holes of say 80’s cartoons than this parody style could work. If it’s going to try and have a serious plot with 90% jokes then I don’t think it could work.

• you can’t judge the show based on the intro. There have been a few recent shows that have had amazing intros ... and honestly lackluster shows. On the flip side, the 80’s was famous for grabbing you in with these high voltage intros...but did the show itself ever have the same energy?

• people seem to be complaining that Cheetara isn’t as sexy as her past versions. Well this could come back to the target demographic. I mean even in day all the various versions of Batman, depending on the show itself, he could be more defined and ‘sexy’ or if it was for younger viewers he’d have a simpler profile where you’d still tell who it was but it wasn’t the ‘hot’ version.

•• all this being said, just remember when you pass judgement to ask yourself “who is this for”. Like right off the bat, I know I personally don’t like stupid for the sake of stupid comedy. So like I’m not a fan of Ren & Stimpy just because that’s not my brand of comedy, if they did a reboot & it was perceived as great by the majority of people, I still wouldn’t like it just because it’s not “for me”. So if this reboot is going to be a goofy comedy that’s more “stupid for the sake of stupid” then I’ll probably tune out. But instead of trying to burn down the studio, try to be more productive & leave constructive criticism. Don’t just say “it sucks”, say if there’s a way you think it can be helped. Or if there is something you like about the show, like even if the animation isn’t your style it’s done well, mention that so that the artist can get their props.

• Remember these shows are a team effort that many people work on, and extremely few people ever get to choose what assignments they get placed on. When you give out some credit, they can add up so those hard working artist can maybe get a leg up in their own field, or get enough backing to work on a project of their own.

• They didn’t get to choose how those characters looked, or sounded, or even spoke, it was a combination between the director & studio executives that made the first and final calls.

[sadlove4you]

The 30 Day Tumblr Challenge

We are at it again bois.

Day 3 - My Favourite TV Show/Series

Okay so I don’t know why I’m excited to tell you my favourite shows. I definitely have a few of my favourites, also cartoon shows and anime if that counts lol

Okay starting off with:

1. OnMyBlock

You guys don’t understand how obsessed I am with this show!! This is one of my #1 favourites and now S2 is coming in a few days like holy shiit, feels like we been waiting forever. Watching the teaser and seeing Ruby opening his eyes at the end at me jumping 😂. I mean if they were thinking of not putting Ruby in S2 and he died then I ain’t watching S2. But can I say that Spooky is is fine as hell 😍 But anyway I recommend you guys go watch it, it’s da best, if you into that teen drama.

2. The Office

I love the Office, I always wanted to watch it from seeing memes on insta or Facebook all the time and now I finally got the chance too. It’s so funny and you just get every joke and just laugh. Also one good thing too is every episode is so entertaining and you don’t get bored. So if you wanting to find a new tv show to watch then come to this one. Another thing is that I love Michael’s personality, just trying to be the cool boss and even tho some episodes he can be annoying but then his very caring at the same time. Its cute how he finds everyone like a second family to him. Also can never get enough of Jim’s pranks on Dwight.

3. Black Mirror

Gotta say this is a pretty interesting tv series, I thought it would be one of those shows that just drag on but literally every episode is different and has its own story. I like how some of the episodes try to connect to the real world and what we do in our society. Also the fancy technology in this series sis pretty impressive but same time don’t want that type of technology being invented now lol I would have to say one of my favourite episode would have to be S4 Ep 4 - Hang the DJ. I was so confused at first and thinking the couple were trapped in some sort of game or world but at the end when it was them in a simulation for a actually a dating app, just blew my mind. That it was the process of the dating app to find the perfect match was really impressive. Also there’s a few keys points on how we work our dating life in the real world. But I was also happy there was a happy ending not like it is with Black Mirror. Another one of my favourite was S3 Ep1 - Nosedive just because I could relate to how we get sucked in the social media world and not in the real world. I more based on the you know you always wanting so many followers on social media and all these likes on your photos from people who you hardly hangout. Just seeing people or friends more higher then you, you kind of get that feeling you wish you were like that. Another thing too is now a days we see heaps and heaaappsss of fitness models that really hit you with ‘I want a body like that’ It kind of puts your self esteem down and trying to love your own body. I mean yes some models do help and motivate you to workout and all that but you gotta put in a lot of work and I’m just too lazy 😂

3. The End of the F***ing World

It’s a very unique show I must say. Even though James intention was to murder Alyssa in the first place but I still love the relationship between the two even though it was an unusual connection. But James came to fall in love with Alyssa eventually. If it weren’t for that creepy dude he murdered then we probably would of had a different story.

Okay now I’m getting into my favourite cartoon/anime shows

1. Tokyo Ghoul

One of my favourite anime series ever. Love a bit of action and gore which is what this series showed. Note that I’m not into the romantic animes, it kinda bores me. But honestly S3 was complete shit and was so confusing. Didn’t even connect with the last 2 seasons. But the other 2 seasons was 👌🏾 Noice.

2. Berserk

Listen if you want a bit of more gore and action then you should watch this. Love this show, literally finished it in a day and a half 😅. Guts is the main man and is probably my favourite character. But just a warning the ending is kinda fucked up and dark but I literally kept watching in confusion because it just escalated so quickly. I even read a few articles on what the ending meant but I’m still confused but overall still love the show. Was sad that everyone died suddenly expect Casca as one of the remake movies showed she survived but was obviously traumatised and lost her mind. Then had a demon baby which was fucked.

3. Rick & Morty

Gotta love this show man. Never knew I would like a show like this and understand all the humor 😂

4. Regular Show, Adventure Time & Amazing world of Gumball

If you don’t know what’s these shows are then GTFO! Jks but seriously these are pretty much the best cartoon shows ever, especially on Cartoon Network. Literally watch these shows growing up but I had a little sister that would watch these shows with me and our dad didn’t like it because of the crude humor and so on. So I haven’t watch these in awhile and going back to them is so nostalgic. It’s sad that these 3 shows had to end. I mean obviously a show gotta end somewhere but still. It won’t be the same :(

5. Love Death + Robots

I got to say this is a very interesting series. The animation was amazing but I was gobsmacked at the CGI which looked soooo realistic in some episodes. Literally finished it in a day. I mean yes it is a bit graphic but overall it was funny, dark and imaginative. But I do understand the sexual violence towards women in the series but at the end they got their revenge. But to say Sonnies Edge was probably my favourite episode and hope we can get a series happening or I’ll be disappointed haha.

——————————————————————————

Okayy I guess I’m done. Idk why I was so excited to talk about this topic for some reason. But tbh I’m not really a huge tv show fan as I mentioned before sometimes shows drag on and it gets really boring and I just move on to the next show. I mean these shows above are probably the only ones I enjoy the most out of every other show.

A good example of a show that drags on is Riverdale, literally. I hate this show so much and idk how people are still watching it. First season was really good then it just got worst. I mean is it just me or Veronica is really annoying and being with Archie is even worse.

Also another show that pissed me off was Shameless! ughhh really ticked me off when Debby eventually had the baby and the way she acts so stubborn literally fucked me right off. You know when you watch a show and it just doesn’t go the way it should and then you just stop watching. Also Game of Thrones, I’m that percent of people that hasn’t watch this shit at all. I recommend if you haven’t watch this show then don’t start because literally every episode is an hour and there’s like what, 20 odd episodes in the 6S. So good luck if you gonna start. But I did watch the first 2 episodes of S1 but it’s kinda weird with the brother sister thing lol I should just make a post of all the shows I hate and why 😂

But anywayyy sorry if this was soo long. Didn’t think it would be and it sucked because I couldn’t put more gifs in haha But if your feeling bored then recommended watching a few of these bad boys I have put down but if you have any that don’t drag on and are actually worth watching and not boring. Then please tell because I don’t want to start watching a show and then get disappointed during it.

Alright then see you guys tomorrow for Day 4

[synthaphone]

experiencing and re-experiencing some more adult cartoons with ash, and i’ve been thinking about them so here’s my thoughts, in a big jumble of words that will be annoying to read through so they’re under a cut

two episodes of Mission Hill that i remembered enjoying in the past: i watched these by myself like a month ago because i was bored and depressed. not really as good as i remembered, not unwatchable but like, not good enough to make me want to rewatch the whole series, even if it is only 11 or so episodes long. i never ended up buying this one on DVD, i don’t think i got as into it as i did with Home Movies and Futurama back in 2013. i think it really comes down to Andy French not having any redeeming qualities, nor being that funny to watch. oops. i don’t think its bad for an adult cartoon though, and it had a kind of appealing visual style. i think i read somewhere that it was one of the last hand inked and colored cartoons to air, but i could be wrong because i’m too lazy to fact check that right now. the theme song is good, i guess its a cake song with the lyrics stripped out and i think the lyrics to that song are gross so i guess its nice to have a short version without those

almost all of Venture Bros, skipping episodes that, from their wikipedia descriptions, sounded completely appalling and not important: ash had watched this show years back but i never saw it until now, and... there’s some good stuff there, but there’s so many overwhelmingly terrible things that i can’t imagine recommending it to anybody. ultimately i ended up enjoying it a lot, but man. season 2 actually seemed to get worse than season 1, and then it took until around season 5-6 for it to get anywhere near consistently good. also apparently seasons are released once every two years now so that sucks! right when it started to get really interesting and i was getting invested in the characters. dang. i liked the new wave jokes, the episode that was an elaborate parody of a specific duran duran music video was a pretty big highlight for me. 

(((don’t take this as a recommendation, ash warned me that at some point (around season 3) there would be a pedophile in the main cast and there... definitely is, and you can’t actually skip around him because he’s in almost every episode, and eventually they drop that element of him and have him be ‘reformed’ and have a much smaller role but boy is he there and its not funny or good and all they had to do was like, not make that character a pedophile but they sure did that. also it can be extremely racist- also toned down in later seasons but like... yeah this is probably the worst of these shows i’ve watched from a moral perspective, and i wish it was better because it has probably the best story arcs and world building out of any of these)))

the first three episodes of Home Movies: i thought this would be way worse than i remembered but so far its actually a little better than i remembered!! only three episodes in though, so we’re still in the era of Mostly Improv- i’m hoping most of the less-improvised episodes will also hold up to me, i’m a big fan of it. also back in 2013 i got obsessed and bought the whole box set, so it’d be cool if i ended up not regretting that purchase after we rewatch the whole thing. not looking forward to the l*uis ck character in season 2 or 3 or whenever he shows up, though

I think the only other adult cartoons I ever really got into were: 

The Simpsons (but like, the early seasons that almost everyone likes, and this one i enjoyed in a casual way without ever going into hyperfixation mode about it, which i honestly appreciate!! it is exhausting getting invested in stuff that you know you won’t care nearly as much about in a year)

Futurama got wildly obsessed and bought the first four seasons on DVD, as well as some action figures that i now genuinely don’t know what to do with because i don’t care about the characters anymore. but i’m confident its way worse than i remember it being and don’t really want to rewatch it right now, plus those DVDs are at my parent’s house. whoops. sorry futurama. what the fuck am i going to do with those fry and professor farnsworth action figures, i saved the boxes but my mom threw them away when they moved so for now they’re just sitting at my parent’s house with the DVDs.

Clone High- i think i’ve watched the whole thing through twice? it was fairly consistent, iirc, i don’t think i want to rewatch it again anytime soon and i remember some shitty stuff but it had some memorable funny moments. i liked the littering episode

Rick and Morty- god i have to add this one onto the end because i forgot i’d watched it. i watched season one and mostly enjoyed it because i generally like sci-fi and improv, and then the creator was so openly shitty on social media and the last episode of season 1 was so bad that i just never watched it again when it came back. and then it got that really horrible fanbase and the memes and yeah i’m not coming back to that one, season one wasn’t even that good looking back

i think that’s all of them, give or take some episodes of other shows that i watched because i was in the same room when they were playing. i didn’t like any of those ones at all!!! i guess one or two episodes I saw of Bob’s Burgers were okay, but not really good enough for me to decide that i was actually gonna sit down and commit to watching the show

after we rewatch Home Movies we’ll finally give Bojack Horseman another try- we tried watching like, the first 5 episodes of it a couple years ago and didn’t like it, but Venture Bros was a lot ethically worse than most of the other cartoons i watched back then and we managed to get through 7 seasons of that in the past two weeks so maybe this time we’ll make it through to the good parts of Bojack everyone talks about

after that i dunno, i can’t think of any others i’d really WANT to watch. maybe someday, there’ll be an adult cartoon that can exist without having prison rape jokes, or wildly racist caricatures, or transmisogyny when i look back on it. maybe bojack succeeds at those basic ass things? i know it has shitty moments but maybe not those specific horrible ones!! ohhh boy

adult swim will probably not be where this cartoon will come from, when it does finally come to exist

[porkchop-ao3]

RickCon’18: Part 2/3

Part one, Part three

I didn't know what else to do, so I followed the crowd. I allowed myself to get swept up in the sea of bodies, treading on toes and getting mine trodden on too. This area definitely seemed clothing-oriented, as I passed stalls selling t-shirts, accessories, and what seemed to be cosplay outfits. I managed to break off from the current to stop at one of the stalls. I browsed through a display of buttons, each one adorned with Rick or Morty based designs, some simply had their faces, some had little quotes or jokes, most of which flew right over my head. I supposed you had to be a Rick… I picked one up with Rick's face on with the words “wubba lubba dub dub”, whatever the hell that meant, and paid the Morty running the stall for it before attaching it to my t-shirt. I figured I should at least be wearing one piece of merchandise, considering I was at RickCon.

 I continued on through the convention center, being stopped once or twice by different Ricks asking if I'd like to exchange dimension codes. It took me until the third time to realise that this was a form of flirting, not just a polite question. I quickly stopped giving out the number on my wristband willy-nilly and prayed that nothing would come of it later. I figured I'd make the most of the strange day and snapped a few pictures with some of the more unique looking Ricks and Mortys; by the time I'd made it to the food area, my camera was filled with pictures. I had photos with a Rick that appeared to be half lizard, a Rick with two heads (and he'd kindly informed me that it wasn't all he had two of), a Morty holding a bunch of cats and a teenage Rick with an elderly Morty.

 I decided to grab myself a cup of tea and take a moment to sit down. I (literally) bumped into a Rick with a bowl cut and bucked teeth on my way over to the seating area. He apologised profusely, even though it was my fault. After making sure he was okay I asked if I could take a picture with him, to which he bashfully agreed, before I let him get on with his day. He was the first mild mannered Rick I'd met all day, and I wanted a photo for proof of his existence so next time Tailor Rick told me it was just in his nature to be rude, I could rub it in his face.

 Sitting alone at a table with my cup of tea gave me plenty of time to people watch. I still hadn't quite wrapped my head around the place, considering I'd only learned about this crazy multidimensional stuff a mere few days ago. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I even fully believed it, I was just going with the flow and ignoring the urge to pinch myself at every new Rick I set eyes on. One was coming right for me, with bulging muscles and a tank top.

 “Wh-what’s up, hot stuff? Saw you at that your lit- your little fashion show.” He said as he approached, taking a seat opposite me and giving me a charming smile.

 “Oh? I thought I recognised you.” I lied, though only out of politeness and because I didn't know what else to say.

 “Couldn't buy anything, of course. None of it'd fit me, you know? Too- too swole.” He said casually, leaning his elbows on the table in a way that accentuated his biceps. I stared for a while, keeping my expression neutral. “I keep telling the guys that run the con; get uh, get some stuff that runs in men's sizes.” He grinned. I laughed, again, mostly out of politeness.

 “So, you come every year?” I asked, and he nodded.

 “Yeah. I actually run a panel most years. Health related, obviously. This year's is on protein shakes, I came up with a new formula, i-i-it's vodka flavoured so I figured it'd be more popular this year.” He explained, and I raised my brows. So, alcohol abuse really wasn't just a Tailor Rick thing. “You should come along, there's gonna be free samples, special offers, and for you, I'll throw in a couple demonstrations.” He winked.

 “Demonstrations?” I questioned.

 “Exercise. I'll uh, I'll be doing pushups and shit, I gotta show that my shakes actually work. Plus, they'll be edu-educational. There'll be plenty of tips.”

 “Oh…” I chuckled and shook my head. “Do I look like I'm into exercise?” I joked, and Rick looked my body up and down, from what he could see with the table in the way.

 “You look like you've got potential.” He concluded thoughtfully, and I didn't quite know what to make of that.

 “Is this guy bothering you?” A hand came down on the table between us, I trailed my eyes up the sleeve of the lab coat the person was wearing (which I'd quickly realised was a staple piece of most Ricks’ wardrobes) to find a lady looking down at me, raising her brow.

 “Oh, no, it's-” I started.

 “Erica, baby, I didn't think you were coming this year.” Buff Rick exclaimed, gaining an eye roll from this Erica person.

 “I told you I wasn't, I-I-I was hoping I wouldn't bump into you. But uh… here we are.” She sighed.

 “Jesus, you get more and more hostile as you get older.”

 “And you get dumber and dumber, move. Gimme that seat. I need a sit down, my knees are fucked.” She grumbled, and to my surprise she got her way. “All those steroids must really be messing with you, you can barely call yourself a Rick these days.”

 “Steroids? Th-that's bullshit, Erica. I got these babies from hard work, discipline, and All Rick's Protein Juice.” He bragged, flexing his arms.

 “Sure. I'm getting a headache; don't you have a panel to prepare for?” Erica asked dryly. Rick opened his mouth, looking ready to deny it, but paused for a second.

 “Actually, yeah. I-I should probably get on that, huh? Can I count on you to be there?”

 “I don't know, I saw a thing about Mortys writing fanfiction that seemed right up my alley.” Erica replied, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

 “I'll keep my eye out for you, Erica.” He said regardless, pointing at her as he walked backwards away from the table. He gave me a wink before turning around and disappearing into the crowds.

 “Jesus. I-I-I've met a lot of Ricks in my day, and that guy?” She shook her head. “Total idiot.”

 I studied the woman in front of me for a while, trying to figure out who exactly she was. Was she a Rick's sister? Someone cosplaying as a Rick? I wasn't quite sure, and even less sure about how to ask. Luckily, she must've read my confusion in my expression.

 “Smile, sweet cheeks. I-I-I don't like the way you're looking at me.” She teased, pulling something out of her inside pocket. It was a flask. “Yes, I'm a Rick… of sorts. Total sausage fest in here, huh? Nice to see more of the fairer sex showing their faces here.”

 “Oh! Right, yeah, I've passed maybe two or three women since I've been here.” I agreed, once again looking out over the sea of Ricks and Mortys as I had a sip of tea. Erica had a sip of her own drink; by the smell of it, some kind of hard liquor.

 “Most Ricks only bring th-their fuck buddies. Which one are you banging?” She asked. “That bodybuilder guy?” She added, raising her brow.

 “Oh, no! Not him… not any of them.” I admitted, and she laughed.

 “Right, damn it. Thought I might have someone to talk about h-how bad he was.”

 “I'm sorry?”

 “That guy. Muscles. Total fucking Neanderthal in the sack, he-he's like a sex machine and not in a good way. It's like he only knows one rhythm and speed… h-honestly I'm surprised, Ricks are usually better-” she rambled, glancing off past my head as she got absorbed in her descriptions.

 “Alright, I get it.” I interrupted, chuckling.

 “Anyway, h-he's been clingy as hell ever since. I'd stay away, i-if I were you.” She advised, and I shook my head in amusement.

 “Noted.”

 “So, you're not boning any Ricks? That's tough. If you ever wanna taste of what we've got to offer, and uh, forget about what I just said; we don't all suck… I'm happy to pop your Sanchez cherry.” She smirked at me, and I chuckled again, a little embarrassed this time.

 “No, that's okay… Thank you. I'm perfectly happy just, ah, remaining firmly in the acquaintance zone with Ricks.” I said apologetically, offering her a little smile. “I don't know how long I'd be able to keep my sanity, you know? All of this is very overwhelming.” I gestured to the space around us, and she glanced around looking incredulous.

 “Uhh… if you don't mind me asking; you're clearly new to all this. How the fuck did you end up at RickCon if you don't really know any Ricks?” She questioned, leaning forwards on the table interestedly.

 “The Rick from my dimension needed my help with something. He runs a charity auction, selling clothes. I modelled for him.” I explained, and she nodded.

 “Oh right, yeah, the fashion show thing I kept hearing wh-whispers about. I heard Ice Cream Rick got shafted in there by the whole damn room.” She laughed, shaking her head. I frowned, and so she explained. “Ice Cream Rick? Guy in the pink shirt. Uhhh… ponytail, stupid little beard?” She gestured to her chin, and it suddenly clicked.

 “Ohh! I felt so guilty about that! He was saying something to me when it happened… how awkward.” I said, shaking my head and feeling my cheeks warm up.

 “I'm not surprised. Too- too many Rick's think with their dicks. That's golden.” She grinned, then took a peek at her wrist watch. “Anyway, I gotta head off. S-supposed to be meeting Morticia soon, she wants me to go to the humanoid robotics panel, she wants me to build her an anatomically correct android friend.” She said, using air quotes for that last word whilst rolling her eyes. I didn't question her further.

 “It was nice speaking to you, Erica. Uhh, would you mind if we got a photo together?” I asked, holding up my carera with a little smile on my face. She grinned again.

 “Of course not, doll. Bring it in.” She said, holding her arm out towards me. I stood up and she wrapped her arm around my waist as I took our photo.

 “Thank you!” I said, and she waved her hand dismissively.

 “Hey uh, what's your name?” She asked, and I answered without skipping a beat. I found it funny how names just weren't exchanged naturally here, since almost everyone had the same name anyway. “Alright, nice to meet you, (y/n). Maybe we'll bump into each other again?” She said, though looking around at the amount of people here, I doubted we would.

 “Maybe. Enjoy the con!” I replied.

 “You too, sweetie.” She nodded before heading off.

 After she'd gone I realised my tea had almost fallen to an unpleasant temperature, so I quickly drank up the last of it and disposed of my cup in the bin nearby. Again, I found myself with the daunting feeling of not quite knowing what to do with myself. Someone had left a booklet on a table close to me, which I recognised to be the day's itinerary along with a map of the convention center, so I picked it up and had a look through. I wasn't surprised when lot of it went completely over my head;

 Plumbus 101: How to get the best out of yours!

 The Flesh Curtains: Live Performance and Q and A.

 Is Jerry All That Bad? A Debate.

 Lost the Spark? An introduction to sexual cybernetic enhancements. (18+)

 Pocket Morty Battles. Bring your best! (RickCon ‘18 cannot be held liable for loss or damages resulting from Morty battles.) 

 And that wasn't even all of them, the list filled up the whole page. I stuffed the booklet in my back pocket and decided I'd simply walk through the convention until I found something interesting.

 Tbc.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

11/6/17, 4:00pm - Stories of a Wannabe Playboy Jerky Jerk

BIt’s hard to preface this entry without explaining why I’ve been gone so long.

I like to think that it’s simply because I write less when I’m staying busy and I’m happy with everything that’s going on. So my life must be pretty fantastic right now. But I’ve been kicking myself to get back into the groove of this and idk why I can’t. Maybe I’m too complacent? I know for damn sure it’s because I’ve gotten lazy as fuck. Well not lazy, but as an anime I’m watching called Nichijou puts it “peaceful.” My free days I’m laying around either happily getting an excess amount of sleep or binge watching another anime or visiting with friends. 

I could go back through my finances and my tweets and try to cover what happened day by day the past two months but that’s entirely too excessive and I think why I quit writing. It’s not creative enough? Or maybe just too mundane. But the entire reason I do this is to capture as much of my life as possible so I’ll be able to remember it later so I don’t really see how capturing the mundanity of it is a problem. I’d suppose it’s just another excuse to be lazy and just capture the highlights.

I don’t really know where to begin. Go backwards? Go forwards? 

I quit buying cigarettes again three weeks ago, been bumming them from people at bars, just bought a new pack today to smoke while I sit on the porch and chalk this out I don’t care if it takes hours or not. 

Ok so it’s a monday, I guess the first thing I want to write about is my past three monday+tuesdays. I’ve hung out with manu the past two weeks, drinking and playing the new south park game. Which was delightful and I’m glad me and manu finally beat a game again. On the mondays we’d stay at his place and on the tuesdays he’d come over to my place out here and weilin would hang out with us, we’d drink and play through as long as we could getting sleepy throughout the day hanging out. Tossed a frisbee around and talked a little about how life was going. Binge ate a fuckton of pizza and shit. Beautiful days. As was the monday before that, when weilin and I hung out. I had just gotten destroyed at the Arcadian this year, which was incredibly disappointing, so I wasn’t really feeling good about melee. Instead we went over to downtown greensboro and just walked around the city exploring. It was really fucking nice. Still going to board game nights intermittently, but september I was going to this tournament out in winston-salem instead because I was really trying to prepare hard. Shame that didn’t work out lol. My buddy marklar told me that maybe I put too much pressure on myself but I really feel like I need to hold myself to a higher standard or I’m not going to try to get any better. I’ll just idle in mediocrity. Which is very true I but I also can’t really imagine putting in the commitment to getting better.  My laptop is starting to break, the screen gets really fucked up lately and I have to smack it around to get it to work right. I want to get a real laptop instead of a chromebook so I can start playing games again. Maybe getting on a netplay grind would be how I get good. I don’t know. I don’t really like the thought of spending money though, since I’ve been doing really well at putting most of my income towards repairing my debt. As a checkup on that I still owe Weilin 8.25k, but I’m down to just 7.5k on my car now, which is kinda excellent. I’m in a much better spot than I was a year ago, that’s for sure. I had to buy a new phone and got the pixel, but dad gave me money for that and I’ve been procrastinating sending my old phone in until I can get the pictures off of it. But even that is a symbol of improvement because this is the first time in my life that I’ve been able to have a really New phone. Like new to everyone, not just to me. 

I think I’ve put on a little weight so I’ve been considering dieting again. Slightly considering. I really don’t care all that much. I went as scott pilgrim for halloween this year, and can compare myself now to how I looked four years ago. My hair even kind of looks the same (I finally cut off all the blonde and so now it’s kinda short brown again, but with a little bit of the yellow kinda dazzling the tips lol). I look a hell of a lot better. I’m getting way more action too lmao, but more on that later. I guess I’m pretty satisfied about who I am right now. Instead of feeling buried and crawling to get out I feel like I’m just jogging on a treadmill. I know I’m not really going anywhere but I’m also sort of making progress I suppose? I haven’t really been doing nearly as much melee this past month, my life is mostly work+going out drinking+anime bingeing and resting. Oh and I’ve consistently gone to karaoke on tuesdays, I’m a regular dive bar attendee lmao. It’s delightfully idle. Quit playing hearthstone and watching hearthstone streams and watching twitch almost completely so those are all good things. I’ll take fucktons of anime over that any day.

Speaking of anime let me write out all these shows I’ve watched.

Seen all the new rick and morty and south park, watched my hero academia, up to date on dragonball super, watching this new show Juni Taisen, watching all the new Shokugeki No Soma week to week, finally watched Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure and now I’ve started the seasons I accidentally skipped, watching Nichijou, watched all of Haikyu, almost restarted kuroko no basket, and I think that’s everything lmao. Watching new Shokugeki No Somas is particularly enjoyable because it reminds me that I’m being more true to myself than I was when I was just idling smoking a fuckton. Like it still embarrasses me when I met up with Kailey the one time and she asked me if I had seen any of the then new season 2 and I hadn’t even heard it came out. “I thought you’d be more excited” still stings a bit, not gonna lie.

But let me take a second to try to list out the most eventful days the past two months to see if I can get this on track and write about the more interesting shit.

1. Brian wedding, 2. date with Taylor, 3. Ashleigh’s Birthday, 4. Tizzlefest Party, 5. Arcadian+afterparty, 6. Lesbian pool bet, 7. Winston Salem Weird group sex night, 8. Maya prehalloween party, 9. Mary Shenanigans+halloween, 10. General becky update, 11. notes of neighbor girl and angie and katie

Ok wow. So I haven’t updated since September 1st huh? 

1. So Brian’s Wedding. Well I didn’t get into the groomsmen so I don’t have a full weekend, just the day of the wedding and that night, but I just had to write how spectacular it was to hang out with Brian Manu Maya Oliver and Christina, as well as Reyad and Alyx and everyone. Getting drunk and stuffing my face with barbecue. Finally burnt through the Jack Daniels bottle I bought for that date with Stephanie like a fucking year ago. Drank more and played some jackbox stuff with people at the groomsman house, played some pool, chatted around a little fire, it was so nice. And even got pangs of nostalgia for Coolidge when I was the last one awake playing Splatoon and manu and christina started having sex so loud I could hear it three rooms away. Fucking classic lmao. Went to Brian’s parents for breakfast the next day. His wife is a sweetie. Then idk I think I went home to watch shitty horror movies with Becky, pretty great.

2. This girl Taylor. The story starts with this smashbros 64 tournament at Boxcar that I went to with my buddy Lex. He’d been talking trash for weeks and I just fucking love that game so we planned on winning the whole thing. Did not go as planned, turns out there’s someone in gboro who Actually plays and he fucking destroyed. But I got third and won a free tshirt! pretty excellent, except that the first time I wore it out I got a grease stain or something on it and it’s sullied already. Fucking rip. But so at this tournament there was another event going on for this deaf group, and so Lex’s gf and her roommate Taylor were there. I’m my normal flirty self when I meet her, and even though I didn’t Think I was hitting on her or anything when she walks away Lex tells me “just to let ya know, she’s actually a lesbian.” and I’m like ah well I wasn’t even really trying but w.e. But I keep chatting with her about movies and such and she’s like overly happy to talk to me and laughs loud at my jokes and shit so I’m kinda picking up on something. I ended up asking for her number before I left for the night, she gave it to me and I commended myself on being the ultimate victor of the evening. Texted lex something like “you Sure she’s not at least bi because I totally just got her number.” Lmfao. Anyway, we were originally talking about having a date going out to bars and doing karaoke or something but instead she just invited me over to her place to chill and drink. Perfect, I think. Not really, lex warns me, it’s probably going to be you and a bunch of dudes and my gf there because their apartment is a chill spot. Oh cool whatever, that’s fine too I think. So that date goes pretty exceptionally well. Her gay friends loved me because I’m bi and I laugh overly loud at their runway shows that they watch, and me and Taylor mostly made fun of them a fuckton for how they sucked at 2k. They all end up going to bed and Taylor’s talking about how everything went so well and how much she wants to go on a second date so I kiss her. And we made out. And I threw her up on the kitchen counter and onto the couch and we’re hardcore making out all over her apartment so I ask to just stay with her but she says no. Second date. I’m just whining like “but you have no idea how much I want to go down on you right now.” But she walks out to my car with me and we’re making out there and I did my stupid ass drunk thing where I start sliding my pants down like I’m a suave piece of shit and she laughs at me and says “you’re probably the type to want to have sex in public” and I’m like “that’s not fair that’s one of my kinks.” hit her with the “i had a vasectomy because I think the onus of birth control shouldn’t be on the woman” and she says something like “how do you know what to say to everything.” She crawls into the front seat of my car and sucks my dick a little, definitely one of the worse ones I’ve had in my life lmfao. I say we should go in the back seat and fool around so we do. It went awkwardly. I think I stuck my finger in her ass while I was going down on her and that probably didn’t help lmfaoooooo. I don’t think either of us got off and I asked her to at least suck me off a little more but she’s just like no. So I giggle and am just like allll righhhht, leaning against my car with my pants off shouting out “so when should I call you for that second date?” she says “like two days” or something. Here’s the catch. When we were making out on the side of my car she tells me that she doesn’t want to do anything because she’d actually never been with a guy before. I was like WOAH that makes so much sense. I don’t really want to push her into doing anything, but then I still went ahead and did all that like a fucking dummy.  I’m on top of the fucking world though, thinking that I have a new special notch in my belt for the lesbian girl who’s into me. I play one of the best tournaments I’ve ever played because I feel like I can’t fucking lose. I said something stupid as fuck in discord like “I think I just turned this 90-10 lesbian girl straight tonight.” But alas, it was not meant to be. She didn’t return my texts a few days later. Wouldn’t answer my calls. I left a voicemail apologizing because I realized she might’ve heard from lex about how I said that (She made me promise to “not do any of that gross guy talk about tonight, please”). But I think now what happened was that she just wasn’t really attracted to me as much as she thought she was because it’s exactly like how when I made out with that guy josh and wasn’t really feeling it like even a little bit the next day. Or maybe I fucked up sticking a finger in her ass. Who knows, really. She won’t tell me lmfao. So that beat me up a little bit. Quick trip back down to earth lol. So it goes. Really I think it’s for the best because I don’t want to be her first because I’ve technically sworn off virgins lmao plus I feel like it would just totally have fucked up her whole perspective of guys if she found out I was also seeing someone else. But I might have dropped becky for her and been committed. She was really fucking cool, I would’ve loved drinking and playing 2k with her a ton. But maybe that’s all silly to even think about too. Relationships are dumb, people are dumb, and I’m the dumbest of them all hahahaha. Anyway she knew I was kind of a hoe, she said something like “you’re probably just used to easy girls.” and instead of confessing that I don’t really get that many girls and being more sensitive about it I said something like “well yknow I don’t really see people as ‘easy,’ because all anybody wants is to have a good time.” and she liked that too. But I just made myself out to be a total playboy jerky jerk lmfao. Def wasn’t the strat but maybe that’s actually who I am a little bit. Just a funny cute hoebag lol.

(5:05pm) 3. On that note, I had a great time at Ashleigh’s birthday party, hosted by the bar she works at, free beer for the night for all her guests. It was fucking sweeet. Just sippin on cheap beer hanging with my bud chris and aaron and ash and playing some beer pong. It was basically just another night out drinking, but I happened to run into my first greensboro hookup Brianna there. I introduced her to my friend chris, he asked how we knew each other and she playfully said oh he’s just a big hoe. So it kinda falls in the theme. Plus I decided that running into past hookups at your regular bar makes you an official townie, so I think I’m super at home in Greensboro now. Kinda wanna hit her up again sometime, but meh. She’s a strangeun. I guess all the girls I hook up with are, really. Strange people are the most interesting? Or maybe I think all people are just strange lol. 

4. Tizzlefest Party Ok so there was this big smash tournament house party, tizzle’s privileged tour 2 and I actually got off work so I could go drink with everyone. Second in dubz, smoked way too much weed and drank too many shots and got bopped in singles but it was hella fun. First time I got sicky drunk in a longgg time, I was like laying out on their brick porch for a long time lmao. (5:45, had to take a break lol) Played some beer pong and flip cup and mostly just hung out and talked to people, idk I got a little rekt and missed out on a lot. Tizzle’s got two 18yo twin sisters and even though me and my buddy rob were joking about having a threesome with them, I felt like more of a big brother status that night and didn’t even hit on them! Lmao you guys I’m not a total hoe bag i promise. It was a great night though, hung out with the one sister and her friend and my buddy flare most of the night. Stayed up til like 6 in the morning smoking and we had some tea and I finally crashed. After I woke up from being like comatose I didn’t really wanna hang and smash I mostly chilled joking around with these girls in their parents bed with like 6 people. Talking about fetishes and how the one can’t have an orgasm even though her bf’s dick is like 10 inches it was a funny night. Missed seeing some tits but like I said I don’t really care. Which is weird. Maybe it’s just because so many other guys were barking up their tree that I didn’t really feel like it? Or maybe 18 just really is too young for me now. Idk idk idk. Oh wait maybe it’s because they both knew me as “the shirtless guy” from my and tizzle’s mm last year llmfaooooooooo. Kinda would’ve shot any attempts to get with them in the foot for sure. Got super out drunk by my buddy rob though. we were supposed to try to go shot for shot and I had 5 before I finished playing in bracket, but when I got off the sticks he already had 21 i was like what in the fuckkkk. he ended up puking a few times and passing out and coming back and ended up with like 32 or some nonsense. Excited for the next one for sure though.

5. Arcadian I don’t really have too much to say about. It was hard to fall asleep after work because I was too excited. showed up pseudo rested and got fucking wobbled by this ICs first round and then lost to this samus I haven’t beaten going 1-2 felt really bad. Drank a whole lot and was shouting about traps and shit while I watched clem body everyone and take the win. Pretty proud of him tbh, it’s nice to see people who I started playing with do well but also really frustrating. Anyway what was great about that night was my raleigh crew actually stayed at my place in gboro for once. We got fucking lit and made tacos, it was wonderful. Then we went to smith street diner in the morning and had a dank ass breakfast, I had this deliccccious pork. God I love pork belly so much that taste is the fucking best. 

6. Ok so there’s this one night I went drinking with Aaron on a wednesday to this bar next to geeksboro. We drink a little and he’s like showing me how to play pool since he’s way better than me but there are these two girls playing next to us. I think I ended up saying hey and we all start talking smack about who would win. They wanna bet money but we don’t wanna take their money so we bet shots. The one is like 40 and she’s all about it, but the other is my age and she says that won’t work for her bc she’s trying to stay sober. On a whim she says alright well if we win we get to peg you in the ass. Instantly I’m like SOLD. First of all because I had confidence in Aaron and myself, but also because getting taken home by two lesbians sounds fucking hilarious. Pegging is gonna be the new eating ass for 2018 i swear. We ended up beating them, Aaron made me hit the 8ball so I saved my own ass, and we made a whole bunch of jokes about how he saved my ass and how I’m pretty clutch when my ass is on the line, good times. The 40 year old chick was fucking crazy though lmao humping me on the pool table and she ended up taking her shirt off, i think she wanted me to go home with them still but passed to go with aaron home to do somethingorother. Ended up giving my number to the other girl, we had had a nice talk on the porch about how I had fucked up with Taylor and about how she was kind of in a semiabusive relationship with that chick and she ended up texting me the next day but I haven’t heard from her since. She lives in Winston maybe I’ll hit her up one day. I just remember her long black hair and tight leather pants lol. Pretty fyne. But just a passing acquaintance.

7. Ok so like 3 weeks ago I don’t have work on a friday night so I’m chilling at home bingeing Haikyu. I decide I don’t really want to go out and if becky hits me up that’s cool because she’s out drinking with her friends. Becky asks me if I’m up to anything at like 1:30 in the morning and I’m like nah you wanna come over, and she passes out lol. So I’m still just hanging out watching anime when I get a message at 3:30 in the fucking morning from this guy I met at one of the winston monday tournaments. He says he’s over at his gf’s place at this all girls college and says her roommate’s looking for some male company. I’m like huwhaaaaaa. He gets her on fb video with me and she basically says “yeah I haven’t really been drinking in a bit, i’m just bored and horny now. So if you make it over here asap you have my explicit permission to fuck the shit out of me.” I’m like holy fucking shit wow. I knew she was gonna be a little chubby but I couldn’t bring myself to pass it up because i’m a fucking hoe and I thought it was hilarious that I was solicited for sex by a stranger at 3:30 in the morning. So I showered off real quick and sped the fuck over there. Weird ass night. They were locked out so his gf has to jump down this pit to get into the building and fucks up her foot, I attend to that medically, drink the last bit of my south carolinian everclear to make this all less weird, and have group sex with them basically. Got my cock stroked by two girls at the same time, we both had sex on this couch, fucked around with her for like a half hour, but I’m not gonna lie I was really struggling to stay hard. Fatties only make me think of work and diseases and stuff now hahahaha. Doesn’t matter, had sex. Now I have her as a booty call if I’m really desperate but not really lookin to do that again tbh.

8. Maya invited me to a halloween party at her place the weekend before halloween, and I tried to ask off work but couldn’t get the day off because my boss had patients scheduled three weeks in advance. I was like damn, but when I asked for my schedule that week it turned out that patient cancelled! So I got to go out to visit Maya and had a sweet night drinking and playing beer pong with manu christina pacos and rianne her roommate. Didn’t get too sloppy but was doing shots all night having a good time, maya showed me her apartment and her room and stuff she’s living in a pretty sweet spot. oh and remet a bunch of maya’s friends who I fucking forgot the names of againnnn dammit. Had a nice little moment chilling with pacos and christina on the couch catching up about stuff, talking about anal and all sorts of sexy weirdness lmao. Poor pacos’s dad though, such a shame about his condition. Lmao Christina and Manu disappeared at one point and pacos was like worried they left him there, so we walk around the house, check their car, check my car, couldn’t find them anywhere. Go back into the party and I’m like “oh my god I have an idea hold on stay here.” did what I would do and walked out the front door and immediately a few steps to the right and sure enough there they were fucking on top of an AC unit hahahaha. Manu was saying her back was scratched to fuck from that thing. Also I can’t remember what it was called but we were drinking this mix of bourbon and like spices that was really delicious.  Most of the girls there were kinda busted so I didn’t really flirt around and didn’t think anything would happen with her roommate, but as the night was winding down and I was helping them clean up a bit she started saying things like “damn I just wanted to fuck tonight.” and asked maya like four times “doesn’t he kinda look like that last guy I was hooking up with?” Made some moves and ended up having sex with her. It was phenomenal sex, too. Yknow that drunk sex where you just power through until you’re like on the brink of collapse because you’ve been fucking for like an hour straight? Holy shit, spent my whole refraction period (which wasn’t too too long) with her on my face. That second nut where you really have to give it your all is my shitttt. Lol trying to get my stuff in the morning was such a problem i couldn’t find shit like had to keep waking her up to find my wallet I hope she isn’t frustrated about that. Took Maya to the airport and jammed out to some My Chemical Romance, was great.

9. So this girl Mary. She’s another regular at my karaoke dive bar, and sept 20 (thanks, twitter) we start chatting a bunch and decide to sing some songs together. It was like the week after I had been jokingly hitting on her married stepsister, maybe I got a good word from her or something. But so I put my arm around her casually at the bar and my buddy zach says something like “if you touch her like that again I’ll fucking kill you.” So I tweeted out fucking challenge accepted hahahaha. So later that night she says like “hey I know this is a little forward or weird but do you want to go out sometime?” and I’m like “of course!” we plan out some picnic with sandwiches and make out a bunch at the bar. Then we’ve been snapchatting a whole lot since but never got around to the date because we’re both busy with whatever, she has a new normie job so our schedules don’t match up much. But on halloween we’re both at the bar, I’m hanging with aaron and ash and chris and the gang, and end up taking her home. She’s making me like a turkey sandwich and I notice her dad dressed like Jerry Garcia on the fridge. The Craziest shit is it turns out that she had the same kind of childhood I did where she went around the country going to dead and phish shows too, she even knew what fucking rainbow gathering was. I was talking about selling crystals in the parking lot and she was like same but grilled cheeses. So fucking weird I like her a lot now lol, even more than when we just talked about cartoons we were watching. And she’s pretty voracious too lol we had sex twice that night and twice in the morning. ANND she’s a squirter. Which is fucking neato. Always nice to know when you’re getting them off hahahaha. Dunno when we’re gonna hang out again but maybe soon? idk I’m not really trying hard at anything these days.

10. So that brings us to Becky. The past two months have been really cool. We hang out like every sunday, watch a bunch of shitty horror movies, binge watched stranger things 2 together, we usually have a bunch of sex. But things have been slightly falling off on the passion side I guess? idk she’s always been a little too passive for me. And I’m not as up for fucking up my sleep schedule to go to j club and learn japanese so idk. Lazy. We went to a cat cafe with her friend this weekend and didn’t hook up for the first time so maybe I’ll let things die off with her. But she also had to talk to her parents about how she’s taking another semester so maybe she was just stressed. I remember like the third time we hung out after we fucked she just says “god, I’ve been looking forward to that all week.” Made my day hahahaha. She’s really cool but we’ve been seeing each other so long it kinda makes me worry about the status of our relationship, but I think hopefully we’re on the same page that we’re still just friends with benefits. Hopefully. Kinda on a don’t ask don’t tell kinda deal with that though I’d rather not talk about feelings since I’m in a unique position of not having them for once. Very strange considering how until now I’ve still been the ‘serially monogamous’ type. But Becky’s cool I like her a lot too. Just definitely wouldn’t be able to commit to her I don’t think.

11. last, my neighbor finally hit me up to hang out. But she did it on a friday night when I had work so that sucks. Glad to know she didn’t just ghost me though. And Angie hit me up in september. I told her that I was kindasorta seeing becky to be courteous and we talk about life a little bit and she said that I’m “one of the good ones.” I like to hold onto compliments like that. I texted her a bit when I was at maya’s party too, she’s kindasorta seeing some guy too, so I’m not gonna try to rekindle anything with her I don’t think. And Katie I don’t really have anything to say about I just figured I’d mention her because she’s liked a fuckton of my tweets and every instagram pic I’ve posted lately even though she has that cute baby boyfriend of hers now. Just interesting.

So those are my playboy wanna be jerky jerk stories. Embraced becoming a regular Scott Pilgrim. Super satisfied about everything in my life, and happy about just about everything. Still lazy as fuck and not doing too much of anything but life is so good right now. Hope I didn’t forget any cool stories and probably could have gone into more detail but this is long as fucking enough.

It’s 6:30 now I’ve spent long enough writing. Til next time lol. 

[chadpetersondatingblog]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Hating Myself?

Hey Doc, long time reader, first time poster. I’m 20 years old and my MAJOR problem is that I am a badly socialized spiteful thrall of technology (or asshole) Needless to say I am disappointed by this to say the least. Shit I’m average and VERY replaceable as far as humans go. When I say very replaceable I mean I am nothing more than student droid 553471. No defining features and modesty works against me as I see myself as a machine, a tool to produce results but I HATE the entire concept of love. I wish that I could become a techpriest doc, i really do.

So anyway, the women in my town do not interest me.

Bars are OK, not a fan of the Saturday night crowd who get blitzed and start fights. Nightclubs, fuck that I went to quite a few and I dislike them immensely. I am quite out of shape and am working out at home until I can be in shape enough to do team sports (if I am to do team sports I should be in shape enough to make a fucking difference, not puking after running 5 feet. Hang out at my local game store a lot, that’s all cool and i enjoy it, not so great for women but i knew the score there.  Conventions at my town fucking suck and are tiny. University, I have SUCH a hatred for communism that will be an instant deal-breaker, also computer science student so I’m at a disadvantage there. I kind of have NO idea of what to do in the real world, if that makes sense, my world is a virtual one and often I wish I could be converted into a tech-priest so I will never have to deal with flesh matters.

Seems that my decisions are powered by hate mostly, I hate communists, I hate hippies, I hate art students, I hate vegans, I support factory farming and would happily demolish a thousand forests to replace them with factories.

I also have such a low opinion of people I am constantly expecting them to stab me in the back or ruin my chances at a career just because they can. Sometimes my anger fades and I receive clarity of my thrall nature.

I genuinely expect women to pass me by and I fully expect them to only humor me to punish me later. Fuck doc, the Tropico 1 soundtrack is the only thing keeping me from thrashing around at my computer desk here.

This is not a question of ‘why don’t girls like me’, its because i’m an simmering angry negative asshole who hasn’t been socialized properly.

I know that this path will not lead to a good place. I have a limited amount of friends, no ones that can introduce me to girls as the friends I’m most active with are the weird-but-fun guys at the game store and my friends that could have led me to women I have fallen away from (moved away and laziness led me to stop talking to them).

I’m fucking 20 now doc, and that is young and I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground. I have achieved nothing and if my hate continues I will end up far older with way more problems. Time waits for no one and even Time Lords rot.

Therapy is a darned option, I am putting this here so you will not need to.

Yours Sincerely

BalefulEye

You may have put it your letter BE, but I’m going to say it anyway: more than anything else, you need to be talking to a therapist. A therapist is going to be able to provide you with more, long term support and help you develop the skills you need to overcome your anger, than a loudmouth with a blog. The issues you have are deep and entrenched and some of them may be chemical in nature, which will require medication to alleviate. So before anything else, you need to get your ass into therapy. And I mean booking sessions with a qualified professional, not just guided exercises like MoodGym. You need to be working with someone who’ll keep you accountable and call you on your shit.

But whether you do talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, medication or any combination of the above… the issue isn’t that you hate other people because frankly… I don’t think you do. I think you hate yourself and that hate is directed outwards so that you push people away from you. It’s a supremely fucked up way of both protecting yourself and punishing yourself. On  the one hand, by being this angry ball of hate, you keep people at a distance so they can never get close enough to hurt you. But at the same time… you’re also deliberately pushing away people who might want to help you. People who might be your friends. But you don’t believe that you deserve friends. You’re not worthy  of them or of help. And so… you push them away. You put on this snarling dog persona and snap at people and say provocative things because you believe you’re a pile of shit and don’t deserve anything in your life. You know you’re miserable and that’s good because fuck you that’s why.

Part of it is that you know you’re smart. And as much as I hate to quote TV shows at people looking for advice (actually that’s a lie, I do it all the fucking time), I’m gonna quote some Rick and Morty at you. Because you know you’re intelligent. But you also use that intelligence as your excuse to justify sickness. And in this case, that sickness is the self-hate that you’re letting fester at your core. It’s really easy to come up with reasons for it. You’re smart, you should already be doing better, you should be further along, you shouldn’t be a fat lonely CS student and look at all these other fucking people thinking they’re so happy when they’ve got things you’d kill for and FUCK THEM because they’re happy and you’re not.

And here’s the really fucked up part: you’re also going to fight any changes to get better. Not just because being misery is a way of punishing yourself for your perceived and imaginary sins, but because, quite frankly, not feeling this way is fucking terrifying. It may be miserable. You may be lonely and hate yourself and wish the world would just compress into a singularity… but it’s what you know. Just like you’re terrified of the real world. The virtual world may be leaving you feeling empty and hollow – and I suspect it’s reinforcing some of your issues – but you know it. The real world, as much as you know you can’t avoid it, is scary because it has rules that you haven’t mastered, corners you haven’t explored. Here there don’t just be dragons, there be people, people you can’t just ignore, killfile, block, mute or otherwise shape into what you want.

But you know this has to change. You wouldn’t have written to me if you didn’t want to change. And to a certain extent, I think you’re asking for permission to actually start fixing things.

So while you find a therapist – and Captain Awkward has a couple great posts about doing just that – here’s what I want you to do.

First: I want you to start focusing on getting your asshole brain under control. You know the one I mean: it’s the one that’s dripping poison in your ear and telling you that you’re worthless, that people are just waiting for opportunities to hurt you and you’ll never amount to anything. You’re going to do this by simply being a bit more mindful. I know it’s trendy to recommend things like mindfulness meditation for everything and it has the patchouli stink of the hippies and vegans you hate… it’s perfect for what you want. All you want to do is simply get a handle on your brain and feel things clearly and deliberately, instead of reflexively and impulsively.

You’re just going to sit in a chair, with your back straight, your feet flat on the ground and your hands in your lap, close your eyes and breathe. All you’re going to do is pay attention to your breathing. Just focus on the sensations of your breath going in, your lungs expanding, then contracting and exhaling. This will be insanely difficult. Your brain will go off on a thousand tangents, with at least half of them saying “this is stupid, this is bullshit, what am I doing?” That’s fine. That happens to everyone. When – not if, when – it happens, note those thoughts. Literally “Ok, here’s a thought.” And once you’ve noted that you’re having thoughts… go back to focusing on your breathing. That’s all you do. Sit, close your eyes, focus and refocus on your breathing. Do this for ten minutes every day. It’ll help calm the storms in your head.

(If you’re interested in more about this, you may want to check out 10% Happier by Dan Harris.)

Second: You’re going to stop beating yourself up about where you “should” be in life or what you “ought to be” doing or any of the rest of that. You are going to excise “should” from your vocabulary. There is no “should”, there is just “is”. “Should” is a value judgement based on bullshit. “Should” is part of stealing your contentment from you. “Should” is the cudgel that you’re using to pound yourself in the nuts. You are where you are right now. There are places where you would like to be. But there is no place you should be. Your journey is uniquely your own and trying to force it to a specific timeline or itinerary is going to keep you miserable.

Third: You’re going to embrace imperfection. Right now, you’re using the idea of not being able to do something properly as the reason to not do it.

Case in point: team sports. You want to do team sports? Fine, go do team sports. Stop waiting, stop delaying and stop isolating yourself in the name of eventually joining others. You’re using the fact that you’re out of shape as an excuse to not do what you want to do, and I am here from the future to tell you that you will never reach a point where you think you’re “ready,” because being out of shape is an excuse. As soon as you’re in shape, you’ll say you can’t join because you’ve never played before so you need to learn how to play before you can joint a team. Once you learn how to play, you’ll say that you don’t know how to play with a group so now you can’t.

So fuck it. Start playing now. Except you’re going to shift your intentions. You’re not worried about “contributing” – another excuse you’re using to not do something, another flogger you use to flagellate yourself – you’re participating. Find the leagues that aren’t there for the competition but for the fun of it. It may be an amateur softball league. It may be bowling. It could be kickball. You want to find the people who are just there to have a good time, hang out with their teammates and play some games. Not only will this take the “should” out – again – but it’ll mean that you’ll get in shape faster and more efficiently. It’s far easier to stick to exercise that you actively enjoy instead of things that you have to force yourself into.

Yeah, you won’t be very good. Fuck it. The fact that you’re doing it at all is a victory. It’s proof that you can do more than your shitty, asshole brain tells you that you can. You don’t need to excel. You just need those tiny victories. Let yourself suck at it… just so long as you’re having fun and playing with people who are there to have fun. You can join the more serious teams later on when you’ve leveled up.

Fourth: You’re going to get off the computers. Remember what I said about your virtual world making things worse? This is part of it. I can hear the edgelord in your letter, and it’s pretty clear to me that you’re spending your time in corners of the Internet where people gather mostly to stew in their anger and hate. I don’t care if it’s Reddit, Voat, 4chan, Gab, Slack or just the people you follow on Twitter. The more you expose yourself to other negative, angry people, the more your own anger and self-loathing gets reinforced. The more you listen to people who tell you that you’re a worthless pile of shit, the more you believe you’re a worthless pile of shit. The more people tell you that you shouldn’t be happy… well, even if you don’t believe them, that shit sinks in and steals your joy. Cut it from your life as much as possible.

Yeah, yeah, safe spaces, snowflakes, etc. I’ve heard all of it before and frankly, those are the words thrown around by people who are literally afraid of silence. They dress their fear up as bravery and iconoclasm – I’m so tough I tell it like it is, I’m not afraid of harsh truths – because if they stop yelling for five seconds, they’ll be confronted by their own thoughts. Rolling around in anger and misery doesn’t mean that you’re smart, it means you’re in pain. Surrounding yourself with vitriol doesn’t mean you’re tough. It just means you’re hiding from yourself. You become like a shark, constantly moving and thrashing because stopping means ego-death. It means listening to all the things you’ve been trying to block out.

But here’s the thing about those safe spaces: they’re an oasis of calm. They’re a balm to your anxiety, a cool hand to a fevered forehead. They’re moments when you don’t have to have your shields up, when you’re not getting blasted by a cacophony of bullshit. And whether it’s just for a few minutes, an hour or longer… you’re calm. You’re at peace. You’re in a place where you can just be, recharge your batteries and let go of every tense muscle and relax.

So you need to dial the fuck back on where you’re spending time in your virtual world, with all of your fellow travellers who want you to be just as miserable and angry as they are. I suspect that you’ll find that some of your anger and rage subsides.

Fifth: You’re going to find something meaningful and pursue it. It doesn’t need to be practical. It just has to be something that speaks to your very soul. It could be anything – you might volunteer to walk the dogs at a pet shelter, you might plant a garden, you might take up painting or learning an instrument even if you never master it. It doesn’t matter what it is – it just has to be something you do in physical space, something that doesn’t harm anyone (including you) and that brings fulfillment to your soul. One of your issues right now is that you don’t have anything that you want or that you live for. Well now’s your chance. You’re going to start doing something – anything – that has meaning for you. What meaning? That’s up to you to decide.

Don’t know what it is? That’s fine. That means it’s time to explore and figure it out. You’ve got all the time in the world.

Sixth: This may be one of the hardest parts, but it’s also the most important. You’re going to forgive yourself.

You need to forgive yourself for all those sins that you feel are weighing you down. You need to forgive yourself for the anger that’s taken root in you and for the ways you’re disappointed in yourself. You need to forgive yourself for all the things that you feel like you should have done by now but haven’t and also for using those achievements as a yardstick to measure your “failure”. You need to forgive yourself for the pain you’ve caused yourself. You need to forgive yourself for “being average” and for the time that you feel like you’ve wasted getting here. And when you and your therapist reach your breakthroughs and you start clawing your way out of that hole – and you will get there – then you need to forgive yourself for the time that it took to finally take the steps that got you there.

I’m not going to lie to you, BE. You’ve got a lot to work through and you’re in a position that’s really fucking hard to pull yourself out from.

But I’m here to tell you: it can be done. You can do it. You have the strength. You have the courage and you have the ability. You just need to take that first step.

It’s going to be a long and hard road. It is going to suck like few things have sucked before. But the journey will be worth it and the destination even moreso.

You’re going to be ok. I promise. 

All will be well.

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The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop H

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Hating Myself?

Hey Doc, long time reader, first time poster. I’m 20 years old and my MAJOR problem is that I am a badly socialized spiteful thrall of technology (or asshole) Needless to say I am disappointed by this to say the least. Shit I’m average and VERY replaceable as far as humans go. When I say very replaceable I mean I am nothing more than student droid 553471. No defining features and modesty works against me as I see myself as a machine, a tool to produce results but I HATE the entire concept of love. I wish that I could become a techpriest doc, i really do.

So anyway, the women in my town do not interest me.

Bars are OK, not a fan of the Saturday night crowd who get blitzed and start fights. Nightclubs, fuck that I went to quite a few and I dislike them immensely. I am quite out of shape and am working out at home until I can be in shape enough to do team sports (if I am to do team sports I should be in shape enough to make a fucking difference, not puking after running 5 feet. Hang out at my local game store a lot, that’s all cool and i enjoy it, not so great for women but i knew the score there.  Conventions at my town fucking suck and are tiny. University, I have SUCH a hatred for communism that will be an instant deal-breaker, also computer science student so I’m at a disadvantage there. I kind of have NO idea of what to do in the real world, if that makes sense, my world is a virtual one and often I wish I could be converted into a tech-priest so I will never have to deal with flesh matters.

Seems that my decisions are powered by hate mostly, I hate communists, I hate hippies, I hate art students, I hate vegans, I support factory farming and would happily demolish a thousand forests to replace them with factories.

I also have such a low opinion of people I am constantly expecting them to stab me in the back or ruin my chances at a career just because they can. Sometimes my anger fades and I receive clarity of my thrall nature.

I genuinely expect women to pass me by and I fully expect them to only humor me to punish me later. Fuck doc, the Tropico 1 soundtrack is the only thing keeping me from thrashing around at my computer desk here.

This is not a question of ‘why don’t girls like me’, its because i’m an simmering angry negative asshole who hasn’t been socialized properly.

I know that this path will not lead to a good place. I have a limited amount of friends, no ones that can introduce me to girls as the friends I’m most active with are the weird-but-fun guys at the game store and my friends that could have led me to women I have fallen away from (moved away and laziness led me to stop talking to them).

I’m fucking 20 now doc, and that is young and I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground. I have achieved nothing and if my hate continues I will end up far older with way more problems. Time waits for no one and even Time Lords rot.

Therapy is a darned option, I am putting this here so you will not need to.

Yours Sincerely

BalefulEye

You may have put it your letter BE, but I’m going to say it anyway: more than anything else, you need to be talking to a therapist. A therapist is going to be able to provide you with more, long term support and help you develop the skills you need to overcome your anger, than a loudmouth with a blog. The issues you have are deep and entrenched and some of them may be chemical in nature, which will require medication to alleviate. So before anything else, you need to get your ass into therapy. And I mean booking sessions with a qualified professional, not just guided exercises like MoodGym. You need to be working with someone who’ll keep you accountable and call you on your shit.

But whether you do talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, medication or any combination of the above… the issue isn’t that you hate other people because frankly… I don’t think you do. I think you hate yourself and that hate is directed outwards so that you push people away from you. It’s a supremely fucked up way of both protecting yourself and punishing yourself. On  the one hand, by being this angry ball of hate, you keep people at a distance so they can never get close enough to hurt you. But at the same time… you’re also deliberately pushing away people who might want to help you. People who might be your friends. But you don’t believe that you deserve friends. You’re not worthy  of them or of help. And so… you push them away. You put on this snarling dog persona and snap at people and say provocative things because you believe you’re a pile of shit and don’t deserve anything in your life. You know you’re miserable and that’s good because fuck you that’s why.

Part of it is that you know you’re smart. And as much as I hate to quote TV shows at people looking for advice (actually that’s a lie, I do it all the fucking time), I’m gonna quote some Rick and Morty at you. Because you know you’re intelligent. But you also use that intelligence as your excuse to justify sickness. And in this case, that sickness is the self-hate that you’re letting fester at your core. It’s really easy to come up with reasons for it. You’re smart, you should already be doing better, you should be further along, you shouldn’t be a fat lonely CS student and look at all these other fucking people thinking they’re so happy when they’ve got things you’d kill for and FUCK THEM because they’re happy and you’re not.

And here’s the really fucked up part: you’re also going to fight any changes to get better. Not just because being misery is a way of punishing yourself for your perceived and imaginary sins, but because, quite frankly, not feeling this way is fucking terrifying. It may be miserable. You may be lonely and hate yourself and wish the world would just compress into a singularity… but it’s what you know. Just like you’re terrified of the real world. The virtual world may be leaving you feeling empty and hollow – and I suspect it’s reinforcing some of your issues – but you know it. The real world, as much as you know you can’t avoid it, is scary because it has rules that you haven’t mastered, corners you haven’t explored. Here there don’t just be dragons, there be people, people you can’t just ignore, killfile, block, mute or otherwise shape into what you want.

But you know this has to change. You wouldn’t have written to me if you didn’t want to change. And to a certain extent, I think you’re asking for permission to actually start fixing things.

So while you find a therapist – and Captain Awkward has a couple great posts about doing just that – here’s what I want you to do.

First: I want you to start focusing on getting your asshole brain under control. You know the one I mean: it’s the one that’s dripping poison in your ear and telling you that you’re worthless, that people are just waiting for opportunities to hurt you and you’ll never amount to anything. You’re going to do this by simply being a bit more mindful. I know it’s trendy to recommend things like mindfulness meditation for everything and it has the patchouli stink of the hippies and vegans you hate… it’s perfect for what you want. All you want to do is simply get a handle on your brain and feel things clearly and deliberately, instead of reflexively and impulsively.

You’re just going to sit in a chair, with your back straight, your feet flat on the ground and your hands in your lap, close your eyes and breathe. All you’re going to do is pay attention to your breathing. Just focus on the sensations of your breath going in, your lungs expanding, then contracting and exhaling. This will be insanely difficult. Your brain will go off on a thousand tangents, with at least half of them saying “this is stupid, this is bullshit, what am I doing?” That’s fine. That happens to everyone. When – not if, when – it happens, note those thoughts. Literally “Ok, here’s a thought.” And once you’ve noted that you’re having thoughts… go back to focusing on your breathing. That’s all you do. Sit, close your eyes, focus and refocus on your breathing. Do this for ten minutes every day. It’ll help calm the storms in your head.

(If you’re interested in more about this, you may want to check out 10% Happier by Dan Harris.)

Second: You’re going to stop beating yourself up about where you “should” be in life or what you “ought to be” doing or any of the rest of that. You are going to excise “should” from your vocabulary. There is no “should”, there is just “is”. “Should” is a value judgement based on bullshit. “Should” is part of stealing your contentment from you. “Should” is the cudgel that you’re using to pound yourself in the nuts. You are where you are right now. There are places where you would like to be. But there is no place you should be. Your journey is uniquely your own and trying to force it to a specific timeline or itinerary is going to keep you miserable.

Third: You’re going to embrace imperfection. Right now, you’re using the idea of not being able to do something properly as the reason to not do it.

Case in point: team sports. You want to do team sports? Fine, go do team sports. Stop waiting, stop delaying and stop isolating yourself in the name of eventually joining others. You’re using the fact that you’re out of shape as an excuse to not do what you want to do, and I am here from the future to tell you that you will never reach a point where you think you’re “ready,” because being out of shape is an excuse. As soon as you’re in shape, you’ll say you can’t join because you’ve never played before so you need to learn how to play before you can joint a team. Once you learn how to play, you’ll say that you don’t know how to play with a group so now you can’t.

So fuck it. Start playing now. Except you’re going to shift your intentions. You’re not worried about “contributing” – another excuse you’re using to not do something, another flogger you use to flagellate yourself – you’re participating. Find the leagues that aren’t there for the competition but for the fun of it. It may be an amateur softball league. It may be bowling. It could be kickball. You want to find the people who are just there to have a good time, hang out with their teammates and play some games. Not only will this take the “should” out – again – but it’ll mean that you’ll get in shape faster and more efficiently. It’s far easier to stick to exercise that you actively enjoy instead of things that you have to force yourself into.

Yeah, you won’t be very good. Fuck it. The fact that you’re doing it at all is a victory. It’s proof that you can do more than your shitty, asshole brain tells you that you can. You don’t need to excel. You just need those tiny victories. Let yourself suck at it… just so long as you’re having fun and playing with people who are there to have fun. You can join the more serious teams later on when you’ve leveled up.

Fourth: You’re going to get off the computers. Remember what I said about your virtual world making things worse? This is part of it. I can hear the edgelord in your letter, and it’s pretty clear to me that you’re spending your time in corners of the Internet where people gather mostly to stew in their anger and hate. I don’t care if it’s Reddit, Voat, 4chan, Gab, Slack or just the people you follow on Twitter. The more you expose yourself to other negative, angry people, the more your own anger and self-loathing gets reinforced. The more you listen to people who tell you that you’re a worthless pile of shit, the more you believe you’re a worthless pile of shit. The more people tell you that you shouldn’t be happy… well, even if you don’t believe them, that shit sinks in and steals your joy. Cut it from your life as much as possible.

Yeah, yeah, safe spaces, snowflakes, etc. I’ve heard all of it before and frankly, those are the words thrown around by people who are literally afraid of silence. They dress their fear up as bravery and iconoclasm – I’m so tough I tell it like it is, I’m not afraid of harsh truths – because if they stop yelling for five seconds, they’ll be confronted by their own thoughts. Rolling around in anger and misery doesn’t mean that you’re smart, it means you’re in pain. Surrounding yourself with vitriol doesn’t mean you’re tough. It just means you’re hiding from yourself. You become like a shark, constantly moving and thrashing because stopping means ego-death. It means listening to all the things you’ve been trying to block out.

But here’s the thing about those safe spaces: they’re an oasis of calm. They’re a balm to your anxiety, a cool hand to a fevered forehead. They’re moments when you don’t have to have your shields up, when you’re not getting blasted by a cacophony of bullshit. And whether it’s just for a few minutes, an hour or longer… you’re calm. You’re at peace. You’re in a place where you can just be, recharge your batteries and let go of every tense muscle and relax.

So you need to dial the fuck back on where you’re spending time in your virtual world, with all of your fellow travellers who want you to be just as miserable and angry as they are. I suspect that you’ll find that some of your anger and rage subsides.

Fifth: You’re going to find something meaningful and pursue it. It doesn’t need to be practical. It just has to be something that speaks to your very soul. It could be anything – you might volunteer to walk the dogs at a pet shelter, you might plant a garden, you might take up painting or learning an instrument even if you never master it. It doesn’t matter what it is – it just has to be something you do in physical space, something that doesn’t harm anyone (including you) and that brings fulfillment to your soul. One of your issues right now is that you don’t have anything that you want or that you live for. Well now’s your chance. You’re going to start doing something – anything – that has meaning for you. What meaning? That’s up to you to decide.

Don’t know what it is? That’s fine. That means it’s time to explore and figure it out. You’ve got all the time in the world.

Sixth: This may be one of the hardest parts, but it’s also the most important. You’re going to forgive yourself.

You need to forgive yourself for all those sins that you feel are weighing you down. You need to forgive yourself for the anger that’s taken root in you and for the ways you’re disappointed in yourself. You need to forgive yourself for all the things that you feel like you should have done by now but haven’t and also for using those achievements as a yardstick to measure your “failure”. You need to forgive yourself for the pain you’ve caused yourself. You need to forgive yourself for “being average” and for the time that you feel like you’ve wasted getting here. And when you and your therapist reach your breakthroughs and you start clawing your way out of that hole – and you will get there – then you need to forgive yourself for the time that it took to finally take the steps that got you there.

I’m not going to lie to you, BE. You’ve got a lot to work through and you’re in a position that’s really fucking hard to pull yourself out from.

But I’m here to tell you: it can be done. You can do it. You have the strength. You have the courage and you have the ability. You just need to take that first step.

It’s going to be a long and hard road. It is going to suck like few things have sucked before. But the journey will be worth it and the destination even moreso.

You’re going to be ok. I promise. 

All will be well.

Related Posts

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is This A Bootie Call?

When It’s Time To Ask For Help

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Long Should I Wait For Her?

How To Not Be Creepy

How To Be Happy

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Time Enough For Love

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop H

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