#exit gremlin protocol

[the-most-humble-blog]

<div style="white-space:pre-wrap"> <meta surveillance-anxiety="maximum"> <script>ARCHIVE_TAG="RECEIPT_CHECK_PROTOCOL::CITIZEN_SHAME_CYCLE" EFFECT: supermarket paranoia, trauma recall, public exit hesitation </script>

🚨 YOU PAID FOR YOUR SH*T, SO WHY DO YOU FEEL LIKE A CRIMINAL AT THE SUPERMARKET EXIT? *aka: The Existential Dread of Walking Past the Receipt Checker*

You just survived the hellscape of grocery shopping.

You’ve:

Dodged slow walkers

Side-stepped the free sample snipers

Waited behind the couple scanning 83 coupons

Paid $84.26 for six items and your remaining dignity

And now?

> As you approach the exit, your body tightens like you're carrying a kilo of cocaine and a lie detector.

You KNOW you didn’t steal anything. And yet you feel like a con artist on parole. Like the alarm’s going to beep just to humble you.

🛑 THE RECEIPT CHECK GAUNTLET: A PUBLIC SHAME RITUAL IN 3 ACTS

✔️ Cashier: “Would you like your receipt?” → You say no. Bold. Confident. Free.

✔️ Five steps later: The Exit Goblin materializes. Hand outstretched. Eyes untrusting.

✔️ You: Now fumbling, sweaty, scanning every pocket like a magician with amnesia.

> “Do you have your receipt?” > Do YOU have a warrant, Janet?

🧠 THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SUPERMARKET SURVEILLANCE It’s not about theft. It’s about humiliation just ambiguous enough to seem justified.

They’re not checking your receipt. They’re checking your vibe.

Are you too confident? Sus.

Too awkward? Guilt detected.

Too calm? Clearly a professional.

Breathing weird? That’s textbook deviant.

> You could be holding nothing but gum and sadness, > and still feel like you’re about to be tackled by Loss Prevention.

📉 THE RECEIPT CHECK HIERARCHY OF PUBLIC DISTRUST

1️⃣ The Free Range Checkout (No Receipt Check) You pay. You leave. No questions. > "We have cameras, Karen. Walk in peace."

2️⃣ The Glance & Go (Social Theater) You flash a folded receipt. They nod at the air. > This is roleplay. Nobody’s reading anything.

3️⃣ The Interrogation Table They check item by item. Squint. Flip the paper. > Congratulations: You’re now part of a grocery sting operation.

4️⃣ Costco Gulag Protocol You don’t leave until someone with a Sharpie gives you permission. Lost your receipt? > Prepare to negotiate like you're asking to see your kids again.

🛒 THE SELF-CHECKOUT PARADOX You do ALL the work. Scan your own items. Bag them. Pay like a good capitalist cog.

And then…

> “We still need to check your stuff.” > FOR WHAT?! I was the f*cking cashier.

Meanwhile:

Real thieves: walking out with two carts and Bluetooth headsets.

Employees: pretending not to see while restocking shrimp.

You: being detained over a f*cking granola bar.

> If your security system can’t tell the difference between a banana and a crime, > maybe don’t point it at me.

🧪 THE CONTROL EXPERIMENT: YOUR BODY LANGUAGE ON TRIAL

Let’s be real.

This isn’t just about theft prevention. It’s about training you to prove your innocence in public.

You’re performing calmness.

You’re performing morality.

You’re performing “harmlessness.”

And guess what?

> Even though you bought everything legally… > You still feel like the guilty party in a true crime documentary.

💡 THE ABSURDITY OF MODERN “TRUST”

Stores trust you enough to:

Swipe your card

Enter your pin

Type your f*cking email

Donate to children’s hospitals at checkout

Enroll in their rewards program

But not enough to… leave with a frozen pizza and shampoo without cross-examination?

🔥 FINAL VERDICT — I’M DONE FEELING LIKE A THIEF FOR BUYING TOILET PAPER

I don’t want to:

Justify my Cheerios

Defend my almond milk

Prove my worth as a shopper

Perform innocence for a $3.49 candy bar

> If I paid, I’m gone. > If you stop me, I’m billing for the performance. > If you want me to prove I’m not stealing, give me a badge and a vest, > because I’m clearly doing more work than half your staff.

Let me leave in peace. Or let me profile the real shoplifters. Because I promise you: > It ain’t the guy holding string cheese and shame.

---

🔁 Reblog if you’ve ever walked past the receipt checker like you just buried a body. 💬 Comment if you’ve ever faked chill while your soul screamed “I BOUGHT THIS!” 👁 Follow if you’re ready to abolish capitalist shame theater at the exit door. 🧾 This is not a post. This is the receipt for every time you’ve paid and still felt like a felon.

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[spidermilkshake]

The After-Hours Roof Gremlin

XD Even Security Mode was chill back before the virus happened. Though, uh, Sun/Moon gives no quarter in its interactions with adult humans. It has absolutely no reason to tone down its, uh, truly skrunkly gremlin nature and it has zero fucks to give about what said adult humans think.

Mostly because it has no reason to use such language during its everyday protocols. Those words are very naughty anyways. It's more amusing to poke fun at the adults for using those words when it suddenly appears.

And finally, a Storytime for you under the cut!

-----*------*------*-----

The Pizzaplex closed its doors at midnight. To the public, the glitz lowered down into only the overhead lighting of the myriad security offices and a few kitchen corners where the lowest on the hiring totem pole worked into the late hours of their shifts to clean up from the business of pizzas and fountain sodas. And the soft LED mood lights in their many colors--mimicking neon but not so fragile, dangerous, or expensive. But those did not provide much light, only enough to keep one's footing. Music usually stayed on--what music wasn't produced by the Glamrock Band's nighttime practicing--but otherwise the sprawling compound became a shimmery, darkened empty space. A lot of space.

A lot of vertical space.

The Daycare Attendant's internal chronometer chimed and roused it from its nightly charging cycle at exactly 12 a.m., and when its eyes kicked back online the friendly backlit facade of its eye protectors remained dark and transparent to an onlooker. In Security Mode, only the eerie blood-red pinprick of its light sensors remained lit and marked where its pupils--or rather, lenses--were pointed. There was now no mistaking if it could see you, or if it was eying you. The darkness of the 'Plex meant Moon mode was active; with Moon-mode's gracile movements, it rose from the cushion in its storage room and clambered through the exit. It had a good idea where it wished to patrol first.

From a ventilation grate in one of the daycare hall's restrooms it contorted and scuttled until it was peeking down through the gaps in a grate overlooking the main security hub. Slower, slower... the closer it came to the overhead view of the night-shift security guard the more incremental its scoots forward. Careful. Mustn't jingle too much. Mustn't scrape metal-on-metal too much. She'd hear it--she'd hear it well before it was ready to be heard. Red eyes gleaming, it was grateful for Security Mode's temperament settings--so much easier to restrain the urge to unleash wild snickering.

She flinched. Moon froze. There it was--she began the slow revolution in her office chair as she started to lower the pamphlet of paperwork to the desk top. Her eye landed right on the gaps in the vent grate, and now Moon couldn't help but giggle. No doubt she could see them up there, bright glowing red eyes staring out and watching her for god knew how long.

"Um..." She started to stand up, one hand fumbling at her belt for the flashlight clipped there. "...Hello?"

Giggling harder, and now also the rhythmic tip-tap-tap-tap of its fingers drumming on the metal with suppressed glee. She stood all the way up, shining the light up towards it.

"I hope to God you're a friendly..." She was certainly sounding spooked now. Moon's mechanical eyelids drooped, an expression of triumph, as it raised a hand to softly push the pre-loosened vent grate open. It swung gently like a window in a slight wind--she startled back, raising the flashlight like a club. "Oh, shit--oh, fuck--"

The Moon dropped down and landed on one palm atop the now-vacated office chair, and its hip joint swiveled about to face in the natural direction once more. As it turned itself right-side up again, it simply passed over the responsibility of balancing on the seat from its one hand to its two slippered feet. It crouched, frog-like, facial disc rotating a touch to imitate the innocent way a dog might give its master a questioning stare, "What language."

"You..." the guard took another step back, but seemed relieved this robotic entity hadn't launched itself at her face yet. She was the new one, but she did seem to realize now what character this was. Though clearly mind-boggled by the behavior such a character displayed. "You are creepy as hell, you know that?"

It snickered softly and to her further bemusement seemed to lift its chest portion up a bit higher, face revolving several times over before settling back into a normal position. "Where are you supposed to be at this hour?" she asked, though not daring to come any closer just yet. "How did you get in the vents?"

"Patience, patience..." Moon chuckled. "All in due time. First we should introduce ourselves." Its jointed neck lifted its eye level much higher than the security guard expected--exactly meeting her own even despite its crouch in the small chair. "It would be polite."

"You first," she commanded, and the robot's legs straightened somewhat as it shuffled from the chair. Red sensors still locked to her eyes.

"I am the Daycare Attendant," it purred, laying a hand on its chestplate. It pointed the other to her, "You may call me what you like--so long as you call me a friend. I'm here to help you. It's after closing hours. My security mode is activated from now until 6 a.m." It tilted its head the other direction, coming a step closer. With a glint of curiosity its gaze finally broke from her face and scanned over the breast pocket area of her uniform, over the badge clipped there, "I was informed you'd be new here tonight, though I don't know your name. What is it?"

"Vanessa. Please stop staring at me like you're gonna drag me back through those vents to your sewer clown lair or something."

"Uhu... Uhuhuhu..!" Perhaps Vanessa here had expected the jester-like thing half-hunched before her to be offended by this, and so she blinked in confusion and backed another step straight into one of the posters tacked to the wall as it began to shake in a hysterical, low giggling fit. Once it had contained itself enough, it peered back over towards her, red beads of light flicking to either side periodically as requested, but shining somewhat brighter: "Uhehe... that's a new one! 'Sewer Clown', hmm--it has the correct flavor to it. Though I will humbly request that one in particular not become a casual nickname."

"I... sure." Vanessa lowered the flashlight. What in the actual hell--for either an obstinate vent-crawling prankster or a Security robot, she was not expecting anything close to this laidback. There was probably--ah, no, correction:--there was definitely something scrambled with its coding. "Er... you can... just say if you didn't like that. I'm not so weak you can't tell me so."

"No, no--" It's lower eyelids hiked up behind the clear lens protectors, half-blotting the red sensor lights, "It was very funny, I thought. It just wasn't quite my brand, new friend."

"And your 'brand' is..?" Traumatizing children, she guessed internally. It struck her in that moment and she felt herself sweating in sympathetic horror and embarrassment at the idea: This thing watched the toddlers during the day. This thing did. She jolted in place as it made a fluid surge upwards to full height--demonstrating for her its 'brand': Its long-fingered hands gripped on each side of the overhead ventilation structure and it seemed to float upwards from the ease with which it lifted. Once gripped on the ceiling, its arm sockets completely swiveled backwards and rendered its bent legs and torso upside-down.

"More like this." Its voice was still low, but fluttered slightly with a barely-repressed urge to go full sing-song. Moon's face rotated until it was rightside-up again to meet Vanessa's widened green eyes and noticeably paled features. "Your predecessor had a very good nickname for it. 'Roof Gremlin', she called it. That one is much more accurate," It giggled again. "And I'm particularly fond of it, too."

"And I can call you a literal gremlin," she began to cross her arms. She began to sense--much like with a flesh-and-blood clown--that perhaps she should not take this gangling creature's unintended menace so seriously. "And get away with it?"

It nodded, almost eagerly. She sighed. Maybe this was a good thing after all?

"Well... at least I won't really be alone on this shift." Moon paused its subtle, continuous movements. Alone on this shift--that was strange, completely unlike prior nights stretching as far back into its memory as it possessed. Worrying. It silently modified some loose data into a reminder within its internal chronometer to investigate the matter further in the daytime. "I need to cover a lot of ground and, frankly, I actually am kinda confused why they would only have one guard for an entire eight-hour shift." She scoffed. "Especially in a place this big. So... you help?"

"I help," It flipped its legs down, dangling a few feet over the floor. "Where would you like me to investigate first?"

She squinted, "Hm. Well, from the look of you, maybe the backstage areas should be first. You probably already know how to reach all that scaffolding around the stage lights... Report back to me in an hour, okay? I'll be in the lobby area checking the shops."

It nodded once more, chuckling to itself. And staring. And grinning, as ever.

[simplyemm]

In the Cards: IV of Pentacles

pairing: Bucky x Reader

word count: 1.5k

warnings: meet cute (kinda), little bit of fluff, pet name (solnyshka), mentions of kidnapping, unedited, so all mistakes are mine.

summary: There is a new face around the Tower, and you want to make him feel welcome.

Header image by me.

Series Masterlist

I do not consent for this to be reposted, translated, or copied to any other platform.

IV of Pentacles: stability, control, influence, security, frugality

The ding of the elevator alerted you to the arrival of your somewhat-expected visitor. Steve Rogers had been making the rounds to all of the Tower employees, letting everyone know about the most recent addition to the building, as well as doing his best to allay any safety concerns that people might have. Cause y’know people might freak out just a little bit that the Winter Soldier was now in residence and not-entirely-okay.

“Hiya Cap,” you greeted, looking up from the disassembled Widow Bite you were working on improving for Natasha. “What’s up?”

“So you probably know why I’m here,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

��Yup. Sergeant Barnes has moved in and he’s being given mostly free reign of the place to do a security check so he feels more secure in the Tower, right?”

“Word travels fast,” he muttered.

“Lab gremlins are gossips,” you confirmed. “But I get it, and so do most of the rest of the R+D staff. Everyone knows that they can have FRIDAY change up the access permissions if they get uncomfortable.”

“And yours?” Steve asked, glancing toward the doors on either side of your workshop.

“FRIDAY?” you called to the ever-present AI. She dinged in response. “Please allow Sergeant Barnes full access to my lab and associated spaces.”

“Of course.”

Steve smiled at you. “Thanks a lot, kid.”

“Let Sergeant Barnes know he’s welcome to lurk in my space whenever. I don’t mind the company.”

Steve chuckled. “No kidding, especially with the odd hours you keep.”

“Yeah well, science rests for no one, and someone has to keep up with all the upgrades y’all are constantly needing.”

Steve patted you on the shoulder and left you back to your own devices.

The next morning found you back to work, with only a few tweaks left to make on the improved Widow Bite.

“Good morning, solnyshka,” Natasha greeted as she entered the workshop, holding a steaming mug of tea. “I bring an offering.”

You look over at your for-the-moment favorite Avenger and grin. “Morning Nat. I’m just about ready to test out this upgrade.”

“Already? I just gave it to you like a day and a half ago!”

“And?” you shrugged. “Science waits for no one.” And you had worked all night on it, but you were not about to admit to that.

“You haven’t slept,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

You fight back a yawn. “No rest for the wicked,” you jest. “C’mon, let’s go test this out.”

The two of you head to the weapons testing area and you hand over the improved discs. You headed back behind a clear barrier where the control panel was. You had developed new testing dummies that allowed you to get readouts of possible biological reactions to the new tech, without needing actual people to be test dummies. It was one of the things you were most proud of.

“Ready?” you call. The Widow nods and you hit a button, causing several test dummies to appear and be summarily taken down by Natasha.

“I like them,” Nat says as the last dummy is taken down, twitching from the electrical current. “How are the readings?”

You look up from your StarkPad with a grin. “Fantastic. Will easily take down non-Enhanced without causing lasting permanent damage, enough to incapacitate. Gimme a minute and I can run a simulation to see--” you trail off, brain already moving a mile a minute to put in the parameters for the new simulation. The results make you grin even wider. “Can also cause at least minor inconvenience for super soldiers, provided we’re using Steve as a baseline.”

“Great!” Nat said. “Now go to sleep.”

You grumble good-naturedly, putting all of the testing tech to sleep, before heading out the testing lab door and across the hallway to your apartment. You really didn’t mind that your entire life could be contained in a single floor of Stark Tower, in fact, you actually preferred it that way. Tony had insisted that you move in after the second kidnapping incident, and you didn’t fight him on it...often. Besides, despite the incredibly generous salary Tony gave you, rent in New York City was not an expense you wanted to deal with.

*************

“I thought I told you to go to sleep,” Natasha said reproachfully when she entered the common area a few hours later and saw you sitting on the couch.

“Tried,” you replied. “Couldn’t do it. And I’m locked out of my lab for the next-” you glanced at the display of your StarkPhone, “-seven hours and thirty-four minutes, so I figured I would come hang out here.”

“Can’t FRIDAY unlock it for you?” Steve asked.

You laughed. “Nope, she’s the one who locked me out. It’s a protocol Pepper made Tony put in for himself that he so kindly added for me as well.”

The super soldier nodded in understanding. He looked over towards the elevator, hearing something that the two others didn’t, right before the door opened with a ding.

“Hey Buck,” Steve greeted softly, as the brown-haired man entered the space, looking around and observing everything. His eyes fell onto you and his brow furrowed, not recognizing the strange person in the space. “Oh right, you two haven’t met yet. Bucky, this is Y/N, she’s one of the--” he looked to you for a more apt description of your role.

“I usually go with lab gremlin, but I’m technically the Stark Industries lead mechanical engineer and tech liaison for the Avengers. It’s nice to meet you Sergeant Barnes.” You gave him a small smile and a little wave.

“Bedtime, solnyshka,” Natasha said. “At least try to get some sleep before FRIDAY unlocks your lab again. Please.”

“Ugh, fine,” you groaned, slowly getting up from the couch. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my cave.” And with that, you headed towards the elevator and back to your floor.

“Cave?” Bucky asked after the elevator doors closed behind you.

“It’s what she calls her floor,” Nat explained. “She has an apartment, her workshop, and one of the weapons testing labs all on the 87th floor. She emerges every now and again to socialize. Usually after she gets locked out from working too much.”

He nodded. He had yet to visit the 87th floor on his nightly sulks around the tower, but it had officially moved higher on his list.

*************

It was some obscenely early hour of the morning when Bucky made his way to the 87th floor of the Tower. Nightmares had woken him again, and he found himself wanting to see what your space was like. Steve had told him a bit about you after you had left, expounding upon your sunny disposition (which explained Natalia’s endearment) and your single-minded dedication to your work.

The elevator doors opened, revealing an open sitting area with three doors leading off it. The central doors were made of transparent glass and he could see you staring at a holographic display, moving things around with your fingertips, biting your lower lip in concentration. Unlike Stark, who favored loud rock as he worked, you had smooth jazz going in the background. Bucky could hear the murmur of the lyrics through the glass. To the right was another set of doors, the walls and door itself made of frosted glass. He assumed that led to your personal quarters, given that the doors on the left hand side had TESTING LAB written across them.

You looked up from your holo screen and the schematics displayed there after giving Bucky a chance to get his bearings. FRIDAY had informed you that he was on his way as soon as he had stepped into the elevator, but you hadn’t wanted to make him uncomfortable by immediately rolling out the welcome wagon. You tapped an icon in the corner of the holo screen, causing the doors of your workshop to slide open.

“Hi,” you said with a smile. “Wanna come in?”

He had been expecting something clinical and sterile feeling about the space, but that was not it at all. It felt more like a garage than an actual lab. He looked over to one of the corners, seeing a kitchenette and lounge area, complete with couch and television, which seemed counterintuitive to a work space, but it somehow fit.

“It’s a bit eclectic,” you admitted. “But it works for me.”

His eyes spread across the rest of the space, noting entrances, exits, and the lack of security for the floor-to-ceiling windows along the back wall.

“The windows aren’t secure,” he mumbled.

You smiled. “More so than you’d think,” you replied gently. “Virtually indestructible one-way glass. Tony doesn’t want just anyone seeing what I get up to here.” You gestured toward one of the swivel stools you had scattered around your various worktables. “You’re more than welcome to hang out for a bit, if you’d like.”

And so he did.

[mischiefandspirits]

Iron Legion (10/?)

Never let it be said that Tony Stark ever does things by half. He might have grown up with little family, but he wasn’t about to keep it that way.

Tony Stark was seventeen when his first child was born, and that was just the beginning.

For Masterpost, AO3, and Fanfiction

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Buff Uncle, Part 1

Tony Stark was thirty-six when Bruce was introduced to the family.

Nebs, Harley, and Peter all glared at one another.

“You really want to do this?” Harley growled.

“You think I’m scared of you?” Peter scoffed.

“Don’t even think of it, little brother,” Nebs hissed. “I will toss you off the balcony.”

Peter met her eyes and set down his card. “I’m out.”

Harley tackled him. “I just needed one more card you jerk.”

“I AM THE PHASE TEN MASTER!” Peter laughed, trying to shove his brother off.

Nebs slapped her cards onto the bed and stood up. She grabbed Peter and threw him over her shoulder.

“H-hey, Nebs, let me go!” he shouted, barely managing to keep his glasses on his face.

“Oh, I will. Right over the balcony.”

Peter’s eyes widened and he started squirming. “What? Hey, no, you can’t do that! Harley, help!”

“Revenge!” Harley cheered, following them down the hall.

“Mom!” Peter shouted as they made it into the living room.

“What are you three doing?” Mom asked, looking up from where she was working.

“Revenge!”

“Mom, they’re going to toss me off the balcony!”

Mom rolled her eyes. “Nebula, no tossing your brothers off the balcony.”

“I wasn’t going to actually toss him, just let him dangle.”

“Good to go on this end. The rest is up to you,” their dad's voice called out.

“No dangling each other hundreds of feet in the air,” Mom said before turning back to her work. “You disconnected the transmission lines? Are we off the grid?”

“Boo!” Harley jeered. He and Nebs shared a look. “Want to throw him in the pool instead?”

“Sure.”

“Mom!” Peter pleaded as they turned towards the elevator.

“Your father already cut the power. Take the stairs,” was her only response.

“I hate this family,” Peter groaned, flopping over.

“Maybe next time you’ll think twice about going out before we’ve laid down,” Nebs said.

“Maybe next time you’ll learn how to be good at cards,” Peter muttered as the lights came on.

Nebs jostled him and he coughed as his chest hit her shoulder.

An idea came to him and he gave a few more coughs. “I… I think I’m… having an attack!” he coughed out. “My inhaler!”

“You’re fine,” Nebs said blankly and the worry quickly fled Harley’s face.

“Nice try, bro.”

“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t fall for it,” Peter snorted.

Harley stuck his tongue out before rushing ahead to push the door to the penthouse’s lower level open for Nebs. “When did Pepper become Mom?”

“A few weeks ago. Uncle Rhodey asked when she and Dad were getting married and I realized that when they do, she’ll be our step-mom. I figured I’d get ahead of the game.”

“They’re not even engaged. Uncle Rhodey was just joking,” Nebs pointed out.

“It’s going to happen eventually,” Peter scoffed. “Uncle Happy agrees. He’s got a ring already.”

“That’s hilarious,” Harley chuckled.

Nebs froze just before the doorway to the pool.

“What’s up, Nebs?” Harley asked.

“Don’t call me that, and someone’s overwriting J.A.R.V.I.S.’s phone protocols.”

“Is that even possible?” Harley asked and Peter turned to try and look at her.

“Not typically. It seems Romanoff took more than we thought,” she growled. “I’m going to tear S.H.I.E.L.D. a new one.”

Peter groaned and went limp. “What do they want now?”

Nebs hummed and set him down. She brought up a projection of F.R.I.D.A.Y. in the elevator with a man in a suit. Her arms were crossed and she was tapping her foot on the floor. “Agent Coulson, as I’ve told you before, Boss isn’t seeing anyone right now. You can make an appointment -”

“It’s an emergency,” the man said.

“Then I will alert Boss and ask his permission. You do not need to invade our home and hack my brother!”

The man ignored her, holding his phone up. “Stark, we need to talk.”

“You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message.”

“This is urgent.”

“Then leave it urgently.”

Coulson stepped out of the elevator and F.R.I.D.A.Y. said, “Sorry Boss, he wouldn’t listen and used a device to override my control of the elevator. I’ve alerted security. Should I call the rozzers?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Coulson said.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Nebs growled, turning back to the stairs. “You two stay down here.”

The two shared a look and darted into a media room. “Jay, bring up the security feed!”

“… Fury I didn’t want to have anything to do with S.H.I.E.L.D.,” Dad was saying as the feed came up on the tv. He was standing next to Mom with a glass of champagne, glaring at Coulson. F.R.I.D.A.Y. was behind them, holding up a holographic phone.

“Give the word Boss,” she said cheerfully.

“That won’t be necessary,” Mom said, stepping forward and F.R.I.D.A.Y. pouted, letting her prop disappear. “Phil! Come in.”

“Phil? Uh, his first name is Agent,” Dad said, following her.

“Oh no, they’ve turned Mom!” Peter gasped.

“Come on in, we're celebrating.”

“Which is why he can't stay.”

“We need you to look this over,” Coulson said, holding out a tablet.

“No, what you need to do is leave,” Nebs said, marching in with her mask and her red pixie cut wig on.

Coulson turned to her with curiosity. “Ms. Parker, I thought you quit.”

“I work with security now,” tapping her hip where her badge and gun were strapped to her belt. “And as security, I’d be happy to show you out.”

Coulson turned back to Dad. “Mr. Stark -”

“Even if I was your consultant, which I’m not, official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday.”

“Is this about The Avengers?” Mom asked.

“I turned that down too,” Dad pointed out, taking a drink.

“This isn’t about personal preferences anymore. We need Iron Man.”

Tony smirked. “More than you know.”

“Not that much.”

Mom took the tablet and pushed it into Dad’s hand.

“Whatever,” Tony huffed, walking away.

Nebs stepped up to Coulson’s side. “You’ve dropped off your package, now kindly exit the building or I will have to resort to force.”

“Look that over, Stark,” he said before allowing Nebs to take him into the elevator.

“I never get to do anything fun,” they heard F.R.I.D.A.Y. sigh before J.A.R.V.I.S. closed the feed.

“What do you think was on the tablet?” Peter asked.

“Probably cool classified spy stuff we’re not supposed to know,” Harley answered.

“Probably,” Peter agreed. He looked at his brother. “We’re going to go find out, aren’t we?”

“Of course,” Harley said, throwing his arm over Peter’s shoulders.

“You’re going to get us into trouble with the spies,” Peter said, but followed his brother out of the room and up the stairs all the same.

Mom and Dad were whispering to themselves when they arrived, but broke apart when she spotted them.

She kissed him and said, “Work hard.” She came over to them and ruffled their hair. “Change of plans. I’m flying out to DC tonight. Your father has some work to do. If you need anything, go to your sisters first before bothering him, please.”

“What’s going on?” Harley asked.

“Nothing you kids need to worry about. Go shove each other into the pool or whatever you were doing before.”

Harley pouted, but Peter just rolled his eyes. Everyone knows you don’t go to Mom for information and you certainly can’t work the puppy eyes on her.

He waited until Mom had left before slipping up next to where Dad and F.R.I.D.A.Y. were going over the files from the tablet. “So what’s going on?”

Dad snorted, but explained, “Fury lost something and he’s going to need some help finding it.”

“Something?”

“A power source, one that apparently can make wormholes. Your grandfather mentioned it one of those journals Fury dropped off in his attempt to turn me to the dark side.”

“Cool!” Harley said. “Hey, is that the Hulk!?”

Peter’s eyes lit up. “Are you going to get to meet Dr. Banner!?”

Dad gave him a look. “No way, kid. You wanna meet the jolly green, you’ve got to go through Jen.”

Peter widened his eyes and leaned against him. “But Dad!”

“Nuh-uh, Petey-pie. I’m not bringing you into this just so you can meet Banner. Especially with Fury hovering about. Call Jen.”

Peter crossed his arms. “Fine, I will. Jay -”

His dad placed his hand over Peter’s mouth. “Yeah, no. She’s got her own big green problems to deal with. She doesn’t need to be dragged into Fury’s circus either. Why don’t you go play? Pep said you guys were going swimming? Do that. We can talk about meeting Banner later.”

“Promise?”

“Nope,” Dad chirped and Peter frowned. “Get out of here you gremlins. I’ve got to find Fury’s box before the guy who stole it blows something up or whatever he’s planning.”

“Sweet,” Harley said. “Can we blow something up when you're done?”

“Sure, sounds fun, just don’t tell your mother.”

“Tori or Pepper?” Peter asked and Tony blanched.

“Alright, we’re done here. Out! Out!”

The two snickered as they left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Finally, someone who speaks English.”

“Is that what just happened?”

Tony shook Banner’s hand with a smile. “It's good to meet you, Dr. Banner. Your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.”

“Thanks,” the other man said, looking uncomfortable.

“Dr. Banner is only here to track the cube.”

Tony ignored Fury. “Really, it’s great to meet you after all this time. I’ve heard so much. Don’t know why Jen refused to introduce us.”

Banner’s eyes widened. “You know Jen?”

“Met some years back. Great lawyer. She really helped me out so I return the favor sometimes when she needs some extra resources for a case. Glad she’s finally working the bigtime. Guess she just needed a little backbone. Gets it from your side of the family, I hear.”

The doctor froze and Tony slapped his back. “Don’t be modest, Banner. Big Green’s tenacity can’t have just come out of nowhere.”

“Is that what you call it?” Romanoff muttered.

“Let’s get back on track, Stark,” Fury ordered.

“I would start with Loki’s stick. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a HYDRA weapon.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Saved it for what?”

“I guess we'll find out.”

“You might not like that.”

“You just might.”

“Boss, you’re getting a call. It’s from you-know-who,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. announced.

“Thanks, Baby Girl,” Tony said, pulling his phone out. “Sorry, Brucie, gotta take this.”

“You know they’re just going to eavesdrop on you,” Banner pointed out.

“I’d like to see them try.” Tony slipped out of the lab and into a nearby empty one. “Fri, Jay, scramble all nearby signals with audio or video. Don’t bother being nice about it.”

“Of course, Sir.”

“Right away, Boss.”

A moment later, the call connected. “Hey kids, how’re you doing?”

“We’re good,” Peter said while Harley, as per usual, got straight to the point.

“Did you fight the bad guy?”

“Yup. Kicked his butt. Now Dr. Banner and I are trying to find what he stole.”

“Can -”

“No, Pete.”

“Did you meet Captain Ice Pop?” Harley asked.

“Otter Pop,” Peter corrected.

“I otter shut you up!”

“I don’t know what you're arguing about and I don’t care. Yes, I met the Capsicle.”

“I like ours better,” Harley said.

“You can’t even agree on one!”

“Still.”

“Is he a jerk like grandpa?” Peter asked.

“Your grandfather wasn’t… a jerk exactly… but yes.”

“Knew it! Pay up, Nebs!” Peter chirped.

“Oh good, Nebula is there. I was starting to get worried.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. told me I couldn’t tie them up and leave them in their rooms until you returned.”

“Probably for the best. Not sure how long this is going to take.”

“Where are you now?” Harley asked.

“Some giant flying S.H.I.E.L.D. ship. Jay took pictures. I’ll have him show you.”

“Is that legal?” Peter asked.

“Probably not.”

“Are you almost done in there?” Banner called.

“Break time’s over. Call you later, kids.”

“Bye, Dad!” Peter and Harley shouted as one.

“Goodbye, Father,” Nebula added.

“Bye, love you, don’t kill each other.” Tony hung up with a smile and returned to Banner’s lab.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Threat! Verbal threat! I feel threatened!”

“Sta-”

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Tony blinked and pulled his sleeve down to look at his watch.

“Got somewhere to be, Stark?” Romanoff snarked.

Ignoring her, he frowned at the readout on his watch before pointing at the staff. “That thing needs to be put in a box. Preferably lead-lined and far away.”

Fury rolled his eye. “Stark, we need -”

Tony brought up his watch’s holographic display. “See this? It’s a monitoring watch the doc makes me wear after I stuck this,” he tapped the reactor, “in my chest without talking to her first.” Not a lie, exactly. He’d made it after she’d found out about the palladium poisoning, which was after he’d put in the new reactor. “And see this,” he highlighted one graph. “It’s supposed to monitor the radiation given off by the reactor. It’s usually low enough not to be a concern, but right now there’s been a sudden spike.” He held up his hand when literally everyone tried to interrupt. “But the energy isn’t concentrating in my chest like the rest, it’s focused in my brain.” He brought up a visual for effect.

Bruce leaned in closer. “That’s the amygdala. It’s in charge of emotions.”

“Between having this in my chest twenty-four-seven and the vitamins the doc shoves down my throat, I’d be immune at these levels. Maybe a headache at most, which I’ve definitely got. Can’t say if it’s from the glow stick or Capsicle, though. You all, on the other hand, would be a different story.”

“Our arguing,” Thor said, catching on and sending the staff a look.

“Stark is arguing too,” Cap pointed out.

“That’s just my natural personality,” Tony said with a shrug. His personality compounded by his daddy issues, but still.

“You need to bring something in to contain this thing,” Bruce told the agents.

“We still need to track down the Tesseract,” Fury argued.

“We’re already running the search. We don’t need it anymore. Get it out of here,” Tony said.

Romanoff glanced between Bruce and the stick. “We should probably do what they say. This might be exactly what Loki wants, to make Banner angry.”

“It’s working,” he muttered and Tony wrapped his arm around the man’s shoulders.

“Why don’t you let off some steam? I hear it’s not good to bottle it all up.”

Bruce raised a curious eyebrow, but both were distracted by Cap pulling Tony away.

“You know damn well why! Back off!”

Oh, I’m starting to want you to make me, Tony thought, but shoved it down. Instead, he said, “Calm down, Captain Otter Pop.”

“Otter Pop?” Cap mumbled, looking lost.

Whoops, Harley was going to kill him.

He didn’t have long to think about that though because right then the computer went off, indicating that the Tesseract had been found.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He wants flowers. He wants parades! He wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered…” Tony cut off and his heart clenched. “Son of a bitch,” he hissed pulling out his phone and rushing out of the room. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., contact Nebula. Have her evacuate the tower. Get everyone out yesterday!”

There was no response.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.!”

“Stark, what’s going on?”

“He’s taken the tower!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Nebs?” Peter whispered.

She shook her head and put a finger to her lips.

The footsteps in the corridor continued on without stopping and all three relaxed.

Nebula waited a few moments, then reached out to F.R.I.D.A.Y.

The AI appeared in the room. “All the invaders have left the floor.”

“Who are they?” Harley asked.

“I recognized some of them from the files Boss was given. They are the ones he is meant to be tracking.”

“Can you reach him?” Nebula asked.

“No. The moment they arrived some odd energy wrapped around the building, preventing any communication with the outside world.”

“Is that how they’re getting around security?” Harley asked and F.R.I.D.A.Y. snorted.

“They’re not getting around it. They’re just smashing down whatever doors they need to get through. And without being able to send out a signal, the alarms are useless. I turned the sound off since it’d be annoying to listen to.”

“What are we going to do?” Peter asked.

“We need to get you two out of here,” Nebula said. “Do you think you can find a safe route out, F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“I can try, but it might be better to just wait here. Boss will realize something is wrong soon.”

The three shared a look and shook their heads.

“Naw.”

“Nope.”

“We need to move.”

F.R.I.D.A.Y. sighed. “Alright, I’ll see what I can do.”

“Do we know what they’re after?” Peter asked.

“Don’t even think about it,” Nebula hissed.

“But -”

“No,” she said, cutting Harley off. “We are getting you two out of here, now.”

“Fine,” Harley huffed and Peter pulled out his phone.

Nebula pushed open the door and looked out. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., how does the -” She spun around as something tapped into the intranet. “Peter!”

“They’re siphoning energy from the arc reactor. Bet they won’t like this then,” he said, tapping at the screen.

F.R.I.D.A.Y. disappeared.

Nebula’s eye twitched. “Did you just turn off the arc reactor?”

“Yup.”

“The one they were currently using?”

“Yes,” he answered slowly, wondering what she was getting at.

“Did it occur to you that they might wonder how the arc reactor could be shut down if no one outside the building can remotely reach inside?”

No, it did not.

“Nice going, now they know we’re here,” Harley said, shoving him.

“As soon as the backup generators kick in, have F.R.I.D.A.Y. get you out. I’ll act as a distraction.” Nebula placed her finger in Peter’s face. “No more dumb moves!”

“Right, of course, promise!”

She nodded and slipped out the doorway.

“Smart moves on the other hand,” Peter hummed, turning back to his phone.

“What are you thinking?”

“Remember how Dad blew up Stane by overloading the reactor?”

“Yeah,” Harley said, smirking as he caught on.

“Think we can make whatever they’ve got blow up if we shove enough power into it.”

“I like the way you think.”

“Does anyone want my opinion?”

The two froze, turning as their hologram sister reappeared alongside emergency lighting.

“You gonna rat us out?”

She smirked. “If you want to boost the power of the reactor, you’re going to have to do it manually at the controls near the base. I’ll show you the way.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So here are the kids everyone has figured out so far: 1. Nebula  2. Dum-E  3. U  4. Jarvis 5. Peter  6. Harley  7. Friday 8. ???  9. ???  10. Jocasta  11. Karen  12. ???  13. Morgen  14. Edith

With the grandkids Vision & Vivian. Also, I've been informed I should include Droney and Redwing in the count, though they're more like pets.

So you guys are still missing three. Also, the three crossed out might end up with different names because of plot reasons. I'm still deciding.

A hint for the three you guys haven't guessed: 8 and 9 are from the comics and alongside Jocasta are called the triplets in this AU, while 12 is adopted like Nebula and is technically in the MCU, but only so far as their origin story.