‘til forever
chapter three - 6.5k words
masterlist
I woke up the next morning to a text from Niall, announcing a coffee run delivery in the next fifteen minutes. I smiled stretching in bed, inhaling the scent of my clean sheets. Much of last night was spent just reorganizing my life mostly to distract from the pain I was feeling in my heart. I spent the first two hours alone, sitting on my couch and eating leftover pasta from the night before - clicking through Niall and the gang's stories on Instagram made my heart squeeze in jealousy. Still I just couldn't bring myself to face the music of continuing with life and what it meant. It was like if I tried to grab onto more of my current reality, Louis would really truly be gone forever.
Holding my phone to my chest on the couch, I spent so much time crying and begging Louis to come back, knowing it wasn't possible. "How am I supposed to live life without you, baby. God I don't know what I even want or need in life anymore. You taught me to live again, babe—now I can't find a point in it."
I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking last night away from my thoughts and pushing up off my bed. I slipped my feet into my brown slippers, padding into the ensuite to wash my face and brush my teeth before Niall got here. Watching the cleanser foam up in my hands, I brought my hands up to my face, really taking my time massaging in the cleanser. The idea of washing yesterday away felt like the perfect solution to having a better day today.
Finishing up and rinsing my face, some leftover soap started to peek into my eyes. I quickly reached over for my face towel, trying to find it to wipe away the excess soap, "Fuck," I called out when I couldn't find it on its normal hook.
"Here ya go, B," I heard Louis say, feeling the towel in my hand and quickly moving to wipe away at my eyes.
"Thanks babe, it was hurting so..." I stopped wiping my face, my body stiffening up as I stood up straight. My eyes blinked open, and there staring back at me in the mirror was Louis. I quickly whipped around, no one standing there, my hand to my chest. I looked down at the towel in my hand, eyebrows furrowing, "No-no, just.."
"Normally you like to say, 'yes, please yes' but I guess people change," I heard his voice again, my eyes squeezing shut as my face moved up, one eye peeking open, a scream coming from me as Louis was standing in front of me. I threw the towel in his direction running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.
I turned to face the door, backing up towards the bed until my knees hit the edge, my body sitting me down. I swallowed, shaking my head, "It's not possible…you're gone, you're not here."
"Oh but I am. You basically summoned me last night, and next thing I knew I was sitting on our couch wondering what the heavens was happening," Louis started, my head whipping to my right where he sat on the bed. I froze this time, I couldn't run, I couldn't move. It was like nothing had happened, there he was, stunning and tan as ever. Blue eyes, facial hair, annoyingly perfect smile. I could basically smell his cologne roped in cigarettes.
"I've officially lost it," I said in a whisper, my eyes not moving from him - not because I was too scared to move, but because I was too scared he wouldn't be sitting there when I looked away again.
"You haven't, bumble bee, well, a little but that's why I'm here. To help you figure it out, starting with getting you out of this bloody house," he said, his hand landing on my thigh. I felt blood rush away from me, his grip so firm and real, my hand moving down to touch him, fingers wrapping delicately around his.
"How-.." I took my hand away, pressing it to my mouth, eyes filled with tears meeting his.
"I don't know how to explain it exactly, but, I know it's not forever, and I know it happened because you obviously need me. Baby, what are you doing to yourself? Don't you realize you're hurting yourself more than helping?" He said, his body shifting more towards me.
This was all so insane, all so unrealistic it suddenly hit me that I was dreaming. That's what this was, a dream. A dream I would wake up from, only hurting me more than I was in this moment. I started crying, my eyes closing as I shook my head, "This feels so cruel, like such a cruel dream. God wake up, Bentley, wake up please, wake up!"
I repeated that same phrase over and over to myself, ignoring the feeling of Louis' hands sliding up my arms, his head pushing into my lap, "It's not a dream baby. It's not, I promise. Niall's about to get here too, love. He's entering the gate right now, moving up the steps. He stopped to take a breather, cause the fuckers in love with my baby, shaking his nerves, and here comes the doorbell."
Like clockwork it rang, buzzing through the house. I opened my eyes, Louis now on his knees in front of me, looking out the bedroom door into the hall then back at Louis. My eyes narrowed, "None of this makes sense. It just doesn't."
"I know, I'll explain tonight, okay? For now, he's got a whole day planned outside of just coffee and you have to do whatever it is he has planned. Okay? Promise me," he said with soft sincere eyes. My hands moved up to hold his face in them, thumbs running along his scruffy cheeks. He closed his eyes, sighing against my touch, turning his face and kissing my arm gently, "Go, go. He's about to start knocking."
And he did, a quick one two three. I nodded, starting to stand up, wiping at my face, "Can he-.."
"See me? No, only you. Just make something up, he'll believe anything you say," he smiled, backing up so I could walk towards the living room. I paused, buying my lip and looking back at him, "You'll come back?"
"I don't have a choice," he chuckled, and all I could do was simply nod, because I didn't understand any of it.
I shuffled quickly over to the door, opening it up to Niall in a teal and white checkered knit cardigan, Levi's and brown loafers. He pushed his sunglasses onto the top of his head, concern quickly covering his face, "B, what's wrong? What's happened?"
He placed the coffees down on the hall table, hands cupping my face gently, tip of his nose gently against mine. Once he discovered this soothed me, it became our thing. He would always hum softly, usually "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole. It was a weird double edge, he knew it was me and Louis' song, but it somehow was also becoming me and Niall's. My breathing slowed, tension leaving me enough to peer up into his baby blues. He smiled at me, that familiar heat rising up between us.
"Thank you," I whispered softly, breathing out harshly before pulling away, suddenly remembering Louis' presence and his words.
"...cause the fuckers in love with my baby,"
I swallowed, looking over at the coffees, "New shop?" I said softly.
"Uh, yeah! Opened up near the gym so I thought I'd give it a try. They had a biscoff latte, which is what I got you, I know they're your favorite."
"Indeed. Thank you, Niall," I smiled as he grabbed them, handing me mine.
"So, are you going to tell me what happened?" He said, sipping his coffee as we made our way over to the couch. We sat close to each other, my usual need to cuddle into him completely blocked by my eyes wandering around my house, wondering where exactly Louis was now.
"Umm, I just. I stubbed my toe, and got overwhelmed at myself for doing so. Just hurt, that's all," I swallowed, looking down at my coffee, tracing the lid with my finger.
"You sure?" He asked gently, hand reaching to trace my knee softly.
"Yeah," I smiled up at him, trying my best to be reassuring.
"Well in the case you are lyin' to be me, I have come up with a grandmaster plan!" He smiled proudly at me, my head tilting slightly.
"And what would that master plan be for?" I said, intrigued, worried and confused.
"Your return to society." He smirked playfully, my eyes instantly narrowing.
"I have returned to society, I go out, I enjoy life like any other person," I huffed, sipping my coffee.
"Really? Because you spend time with your friends? Nurture relationships that need to continue existing past Louis? Ben, you have to try. And this is the perfect time, place and situation," he pleaded, reaching out and squeezing my hands.
Opening my mouth to turn him down, to shut his entire idea so far down into a trash bin he could never find it - I felt Louis' breath on my neck, his voice whispering in my ear, "You have to agree, bumble bee. You have too."
I froze, resisting the urge to move my face to look over at him. Inhaling deeply, I licked my lips nodding, "Okay."
"What?" Niall said sitting up, leaning towards me, "Come again?"
"Gladly," I chuckled, making him laugh too. "I said okay, so, tell me the plan before I change my mind."
He smiled brightly, I swear his baby blues grew a deep shade, he took our coffees placing them down on the coffee table, "Alright, so last night, we didn't just meet Mitch's new girl, which you are going to adore by the way, we also met his boss Harry and Harry's best friend Marlee. The shop apparently got the highest service award from AAA, which is a huge thing in the automotive world. So, we are all going to celebrate him this weekend, at that one arcade bar, Jack's, you know near the pier? Which I think is perfect for you, because after we eat dinner, we can seperate, you don't have to keep trying to make conversation with everyone if you don't want to. You and I will make our own night out of it - and you have two new people who don't know much about anything that happened with Lou. Won't be their main point of conversation."
I nodded as he spoke, taking in all the information he was giving me, "I mean, you're right, it would be the best environment. Everyone would be talking to Harry and Mitch about the shop more. I think it's a good night."
"And, to seal the deal, I think it should be a completely new moment for you. Meaning, new clothes, new hair, new nails, a facial! All on me, and I don't need you fighting me on this. That's what we are doing today. I'll get stuff done too. I can be a girls girl when I want," he fluttered his lashes at me, hands under his chin making me crack up.
"Come here you big lug!" I said, reaching out my arms and hugging him tightly. He laid back on the couch, pulling me on top of him, pressing a kiss into the top of my head. I let my body relax into his, wrapping my arm around his waist, "Thank you, Niall. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for how much you pushed me."
"I care for you, Ben. You know that. I would never let you go through that alone, even if you tried," his voice was gentle as his fingers traveled up and down my arm.
"I know. It just got so dark. And for a while, the dark felt comfortable," I said softly, his grip tightening on me.
"Well, you need the sun, it makes you prettier," he teased, my eyes peeking up at him and I knew he was my sun. He was the light and warmth that drew me out of the cold dark. I couldn't deny it if I tried and I knew he couldn't deny whatever it was he felt for me. It was that warmth, that flame - that I put out every time.
"I know, it makes me glow," I chuckled, pushing out of his grip, "So why don't you make me breakfast while I get dressed and then we can start the day."
"Yeah? I bring coffee and have to cook too?" He raised an eyebrow and I nodded, kissing his cheek softly. He turned a soft shade of pink, nodding, "Okay. Go, go."
He shooed me away with his hands and I pushed up, the rest of the way, running to my room to get dressed. I closed the door behind me, looking around the room as I made my way to the closet. I began searching for a simple outfit for the day, cut off jeans, a plain gray tee, some sandals since we were getting our nails done.
"Those jeans always did something for me," I heard Louis say, making me jump, clinging the clothes tight to my body.
"Louis, you can't just appear like that!" I exclaimed quietly, not wanting Niall to hear me and think I was insane, which I genuinely was starting to wonder if I was.
"I can actually, it's a nice perk," he said with a smug smile on his face, my eyes narrowing, but my knees buckling at the sight of it.
Throwing my shirt at him, I gasped as he suddenly appeared at the side of my bed instead of the foot of it, the shirt hitting the ground. I squeezed my eyes tight and then opened them again, "Okay, new rule, you can't do that! If you're going to be here, and I have to see you, I need you to act like you can't do...that!" I said pointing between him and where he was before.
He laughed his usually obnoxious laugh, a smile cracking on my face from the sound of it before I remembered my other demand, "And you need to give me some sort of warning knock, or sign that you're about to appear. I'm too young to have a heart attack."
He laughed walking over to me and nodding, hand slipping on my waist, "Can my rule be you don't get that close to Niall again?"
Those words stung, my heart dropping into my stomach. I pulled away, my brows furrowing, "That's not fair," my voice cracked, arms moving to hug myself.
His smug expression quickly went away, moving back towards me, hands wrapping around my arms and pulling them apart, moving them around his neck, hugging me close, "Hey, hey, that was...that was cruel. I'm sorry, I shoul—..."
"-...you're not here, Louis. You're not really here. You don't get to say things like that." I swallowed, his scent and warmth too real, only further confusing me. I pushed away again, inhaling deeply, "And you can't do that. You can't hold me, and touch me. Louis you can't, you're not here."
I sobbed, in a way I hadn't sobbed in a while, I felt his hand coming to me and I flinched, shaking my head, "I'm okay. Just...can you go away, please? Come back when I come home. Just, give me our taps, before you appear so I know."
"Okay, I'm sorry, B," was all he said before he was gone. I allowed myself to breathe out the last few bits of my cries, wiping at my face. I hated that I couldn't put on makeup to hide the redness of my skin, but I decided I would just have to admit to Niall I had cried. Admit it was Louis related without telling the whole truth.
I slipped into my clothes, taking in my appearance in the full length mirror as I clipped up my hair. I sniffled, tucking in my shirt into my jeans, moving to my bed to slip on my sandals. It was weird how his smell stuck around. He was essentially a ghost...a spirit, yet I could still smell him as if he really was still here. As if he still lived here with me.
Patting my thighs, I gathered the courage to face Niall, getting up from the bed and walking out to the smell of sausage, beans, toast and eggs. One thing about my house was, a classic English or Irish breakfast was a constant reoccurrence; American breakfast just lacking luster.
"Smells delicious out here, I haven't had beans for breaky in a while," I smiled, sliding next to him in the kitchen. He looked over me, his eyes softening, hand wrapping gently around my hip. I felt my body tense, Louis' words hurting my heart once again. It hurt even more when he quickly pulled his hand away at the feeling of my tension.
"What's wrong, Bentley?" He said, turning back to the stove to finish cooking. I moved to grab plates so he could serve everything up, swallowing as I gathered my thoughts together.
"Just overwhelmed a little I guess. It's new, and going to be a lot. I know I can do it. I...I went to the store, at the corner last night. Bought a bear claw and matcha, sat inside and stayed for at least thirty minutes. Actually, I had a weird encounter with a man. Not, weird exactly, that's not the right word, it was just...interesting," I said, grabbing my plate as he finished serving, both of us walking over to the table. I placed my plate down, finding where I left my coffee and bringing it over as well.
"Oh? How so?" He said, breaking off a piece of toast and dipping it in his egg.
"Well, we both wanted the chocolate croissant and reached for it at the same time. I'm weird, so obviously I freaked out and I apologized and just said he could take it. He responded, 'no drama'. No drama, Niall! No one ever said that except Louis, it had my mind going crazy." I said, turning to my breakfast and eating some beans.
"That interesting for sure. Sounds a lot like that shit you're always talking about, a cute meet of whatever," he said, biting into his sausage link.
I laughed leaning in, "You mean a meet cute?"
"Yeah, that shit!" He chuckled, covering his full mouth, making me laugh more.
"I guess it kinda was, but I'll never see him again. And even if I did, he'd be like 'there's the creepy girl from Posh Finery, let me run'," I rolled my eyes, my thoughts going back to what he looked like. Long hair, curl and unruly. Green eyes, I'm sure of it, though they might have been blue. Olive skin drawn on in black ink. He was mysterious, that's how I would describe him, relaxed but mysterious.
"Well, since you've been brave enough to go back once, I think you should do it again. Maybe you're next brave moment will be proving you aren't crazy to the man," Niall chuckled nervously and I shook my head.
"I think I'm going to limit my visits to that store to just once a month for now. I do believe I won't have to take the long way around to get home now though. I think I can handle walking in front of it," I smiled, picking up some egg on my fork and eating it.
"Well, regardless, I'm proud of you, Benny," he leaned in close, kissing my shoulder making me smile. "So how do you want today to go? What's the proper order of events?"
"Hmm, well, I think hair and nails first, because it'll tell us what the vibe of the outfit should be. Then end with facials so we can just come back to mine or yours and relax. Order some thai! Two orders of Pad See Ew and steamed rice!" I smiled into my coffee as I took a sip.
"Alright, you will lead the way then. We can uh, go back to mine. I just put up the new comforter you helped me pick out. You can come see how your good decisions look," he said nervously scratching at the back of his head.
We both knew we hadn't spent time at his place since last month. Since the night I came over too drunk to have control of my own senses. Since we slept together. Neither one of us ever addressed it directly, going through the next day as if the night before hadn't happened. He went to work, I cleaned up and left for my own job; and that's where it stayed.
"I bet it brought out the earth tones of your room just like I suggested it would, didn't it?" I raised both eyebrows at him, he shrugged.
"You'll just have to see for yourself."
I watched her spin in front of the mirror, her new chocolate brown hair replacing her previously highlighted hair twirling with her. She had cut it off, adding clipped in extensions so she could keep changing up her look if she wanted. Her brown eyes had so much more life in them than I had seen since Louis passed. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face watching her glow like this.
"So what do you think? I think it's bar material, cute girly, will keep boys away," she giggled, smoothing her palms against the silk flower print skirt, a tied-up band tee on her upper body. It was very much a Bentley Rose outfit.
"It's very you, and I don't think there is anything that would keep the men away from you Ben," I chuckled, my fingers running through my hair.
"Well, that's why it's a good thing I'm a runner!" She winked at me, turning back to the mirror giving herself one final look over before turning back to me, "Alright I'm going to change so we make it on time for our facials."
I stood up, smoothing out my jeans, walking out of the small fitting area and venturing into the store. I found the graphic tees and pulled out two or three more I knew she would like in her size, holding onto them to add to the final bill.
"Is this where you often buy your clothing?" I heard a voice say, my eyes popping up to meet cat-like hazel greens.
"Oh! Marlee, hey, no, they're for Ben, she's getting dressed, in the fitting room," I smiled, a small laugh coming from her.
"I'm teasing. You just missed Harry, he ran off to work," she smiled, folding a pair of jeans over her arm.
"That's too bad, you both could have met Bentley, but, since you're here, might as well introduce you! Might help her feel even more comfortable about coming out this weekend," I smiled, glancing over at the dressing room to see if she was coming out yet.
"Oh so you convinced her? That's awesome! Harry and Sarah kinda broke the situation down for me, I'm sorry, that's really tough!" Marlee said, leaning on one hip.
"Ah, well um, could you pretend to not know and not ask her questions? Or say you're sorry or any of that. Part of the whole speech I gave her included the fact you two knew nothing. You know? Sometimes it helps being around people who just—..."
"Won't treat her like a suffering child?" Marlee chimed, a cute smirk on her face.
"Exactly that!" I pointed at her as I turned again to see Bentley coming out of the dressing room. I waved her over and she tried to peek around me, nodding before slowly walking over.
"Don't worry, my lips are sealed," Marlee said quickly before Bentley reached us.
"Hey, who's this," she smiled warmly, her hand quickly on my arm, nerves clear as day.
"Ben, this is Marlee, Harry's best friend I was telling you about, Marlee this is Bentley," I said, introducing the two, Marlee picking up on Ben's nervous cues and moving close to us, embracing her quickly so she didn't have time to think.
"It's nice to meet you! I'm really excited for this weekend," Marlee smiled as she pulled away, Ben chuckling.
"I'm actually excited too, just picked out a cute outfit, so, you know, makes it even more eventful," Bentley chuckled.
"That's why I'm here too, I love a good excuse to shop. Though, it simply being Tuesday is something I often use as an excuse," she rolled her eyes at herself, Ben and I laughing.
"I used to be like that too, but with band tees. I would make them work for every event," Ben smiled over at me then at Marlee.
"That explains the collection Niall is holding in his hand right now!" Marlee exclaimed, making Ben's brows furrow her eyes dropping to my hands.
"Niall what's all that!" She said, reaching for them as I pulled away.
"Does not matter! There was no limit to today, and so they are coming home with ya too!" I smiled, Ben glaring at me more.
"Limit?" Marlee said, looking between the two of us.
"Niall thought that a refresh was what I needed to make it through this weekend. He kindly paid for my hair, nails. I'm getting a new outfit. Thought it would help me think of this as a new start," Ben said shyly, looking down at her feet.
"Wait, that's the sweetest thing. Niall, can you give Harry tips on how to be a better best friend please? I'll be lucky if he buys me an ice cream!" She exclaimed, making us all laugh.
"I will make sure to give him some points of advice, don't you worry!" I chuckled as Ben and I exchanged looks.
"So I hate to rush us off, but if we don't leave now, we won't make it to our facials on time," Ben said gently, Marlee's hand waving us off.
"No, go go! I'll see you all Saturday! Bye!" She smiled, quickly moving to hug the both of us before walking away.
"Niall!" Ben exclaimed once she had completely walked away, our bodies moving as the line did.
"What?" I said, confused by why she looked to be in disbelief.
"She's so pretty! Niall, like, she's just your type. You shou—...."
"...—Ben stop." I quickly interrupted, my brows furrowing.
"What? Niall, I'm just saying. She's what you would always go for before. I think you should ask her—..."
"...—Bentley stop."
"Ni, are you mad? I'm sorry I didn't—..."
"...—please just go wait for me outside. Please, I need space. Just go." I said, looking away from her, staring at the back of the head of the person in front of me.
"Okay." I heard her say, feeling her walk away from me. I bit my lip, feeling my anger building up in me. I hated when she did this, when she pretended like she wasn't aware of what I felt, what was there. I knew we never talked about it, but I hated that she ignored where we had just been last month. Intertwined, close in a way no two friends ever should be.
I finished paying and moved to walk out of the store, seeing her waiting toward the left exit. I walked past her quickly, not wanting to talk or face her. I couldn't at this moment, but I knew she wouldn't just let it go.
"Niall, please stop, please," she called out, my chest tight. I came to a stop, turning to face her, but not letting her speak.
"You don't get to do this, Bentley. You don't get to act like you aren't aware of my feelings for you. I know we don't discuss it, we ignore it, and I will always push it aside because you are my best friend first…but you can't do that. You can't," I expressed, my voice slightly raised. It was something I never did with, but my anger couldn't control itself at that moment.
"Hey, hey," she came up to me, hands on my face softly, pulling my forehead down to hers, "I know, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
Brown and blue met and it was insane how quickly my anger melted away. She smiled softly at me, narrowing her eyes playfully, making me chuckle. I shook my head, eyes closing as I groaned in slight irritation, "You can't look at me like that."
"I did nothing, all I did was say I'm sorry," she said quietly, her thumbs tracing my cheeks softly. I pulled away, taking her in, her eyes still apologetic.
"Just please, don't bring it up again," I said one more time, her head quickly nodding in agreement.
"Never again. I promise."
Dinner at Niall's had gone by much smoother than shopping, I tried my best to keep him happy and laughing; making up for my asshole antics earlier. I knew Niall liked me, I was well aware of his feelings towards me. We both were aware of it all, yet living in denial until moments like earlier today brought light to it. I was thankful, him and I could move past it quickly and just be ourselves, cracking jokes all night.
When it finally was time to leave, I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, walking away with just me and my nerves about the whole Louis situation. For most of the day, I was able to ignore what had happened this morning, what I had seen. I was almost able to imagine that it didn't happen. Truth was, I wasn't sure if it really had.
I waited patiently for my Uber driver, getting in once she finally approached, leaning my head on the car window. I took in the city, wondering how anyone could ever live any other place than here in California. I shook my head, remembering how much Louis hated it. Hated the crowds, the traffic. The people.
"But you make California worth it bumble bee."
Biting my lip, I looked down at my phone, the drive almost complete and I couldn't stop my stomach from churning. Pulling up at my front gate I smiled, thanking the driver and getting inside. I opened the door slowly, knowing he wouldn't be there but still not wanting to be surprised.
I went through my usual motions of getting home, shoes off, outside clothes off, Louis' old band tee and boxer briefs. Walking into the kitchen, I grabbed my bottle of cab and two wine glasses. I laughed at myself for doing so, but I didn't know what exactly was possible. I still didn't even know how him being here was possible.
Settling myself on top of the kitchen counter, I closed my eyes, breathing softly, "Okay. Um, Louis, you can come out now, or appear or whatever."
I looked down at my feet shaking my head in disbelief, a breathy laugh leaving me when I heard our knock in the hallway. A quick one two, one two, one two. I heard his footsteps, as he appeared out of the hallway, dressed in white loungewear, like he always would have been. It sent shivers down my spine, my stomach knotting in this constant state of confusion I felt trapped in.
"Hey, bumble bee," he smiled small, keeping his distance.
"Hi, sweet boy," I sighed out, pushing out the kitchen stool for him, just like we would always hang out after work - catching up on the day.
"Have a good day? I tried to not be nosy," he said walking over and sitting on the stool, hands rubbing against his thighs.
"Appreciative of that, but yeah, it was a good one," I shrugged, playing with the bottom of his shirt.
"Hair looks great. I miss the blonde, the blonde stripe things, though," he said so nervously I wondered who this man before me was.
"Highlights babe, but thanks. It honestly feels so healthy now though, even if half of it is extensions…makes the change feel right," I said, chewing on my inner cheek and turning to face the bottle of wine. I reached over, popping the cork off and serving one glass before turning to look back at Louis, "I'm not exactly sure how this works…like can I serve you a glass?"
We both stared at each other before bursting into laughter, "Honestly? I haven't a fucking clue." He shrugged, as I turned my body back to the wine glass, pouring him one as well. I handed it to him, his fingers brushing against mine felt so right yet, so strange.
We both eyed each other as he brought the glass to his lips, almost scared as to what would happen next. Would it just work its way through his body onto the floor? Would he be able to taste it? I watched as he licked his lips, tipping the glass towards him, the wine spilling into his mouth, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he drank.
"Holy shit. I tasted that!" He exclaimed, so surprised and happy. His eyes looked around him, almost as if he expected it to have gone straight to the floor.
"This is all so...Louis this is insane, I just don't get it. What is happening? How are you here? How's this even possible?" I said, inhaling deeply as we searched each other's eyes.
He drank more of his wine, cracking his neck before he spoke, "I heard you crying, B. I heard you begging almost for me and next thing I knew I was here. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to scare you. So I tried to go elsewhere and I couldn't. I could only go wherever you went. It wasn't until you asked me to go away that I realized I could then go away from here. But, it's not back to wherever the hell I went when I died…there is more of me here, and I got sent with those people. People like me that were called back to help their loved ones deal with it all. And I can't go back until we sort it all out."
"Sort what out?" I said, raising a small eyebrow.
"Your life babe, moving on. All of that. Helping you to learn to love again," he said the last part softly, pushing his lips out, pursed slightly as he shook his head, eyes drifting down to the wine glass in his hand.
"Oh...but I don't want to—..."
"—you don't want to but it's going to happen. I already know with who, I already know when. I'm just here to make sure that you don't fight it. I'm just here to make sure that you don't try to avoid what's supposed to happen." He swallowed looking up at me again, my heart moving to my throat.
There was a strangeness to all of this; something awkward and almost painful - the idea that he would have to be the one to guide me back into love. Which in return meant, guiding me out of love with him.
"But I'm not ready...Lou, I'm just not," I said, taking a long sip of my wine and looking away. I heard him stand up, moving towards me, the shock still present as I felt his touch on my jaw; turning me to face him.
"Baby, but you will be. That's what you have to understand. I've seen it all. Doesn't make it easy on me either...trust me - but I want to see you happy," he smiled softly, thumb gently tracing my jawline.
"This is all too much," biting back tears, I got up, leaving my glass of wine behind and pushing past him. My arms crossed in front of me, hugging my body. I wanted to keep the pain inside my body, I didn't want it to escape me because it felt like it would destroy me if I let it. I felt as if my body would ache to the point of giving out completely.
Louis came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist pulling me tight to him. I broke down into a sob, my body giving into his whole as he kissed my cheek over and over.
"It's okay, bumble bee, let it out. Cry baby, I got you, I got your pain," he whispered, soothing my cries. I don't how long we stood there, most of my weight being held up by him. My knees felt like they crumbled everytime I tried to stand up on my own, and truth was, I never properly learned how. Since he passed, I was walking on the crutches built by Niall and his unwavering support of me. I hadn't progressed like he thought. I was walking around with a broken heart, faking every moment of "improvement" the world saw.
I let my hands slip around his arms, feeling his skin, the bits of raised skin from all his ink engravings. I came to my senses slowly, turning my face to take him in. Our breaths mixed, creating a scent that was all too familiar. A scent that reflected a shared taste of us two.
"Louis, it was supposed to be you," I bit my lip and he nodded.
"I know, baby. I know bumble bee. Oh baby, trust me I know. But it's not. I'm not your person. I was for a moment in time, we can't get back now. So I need you to not make this harder, okay?" He spoke to me so sincerely, so softly I just closed my eyes and cried more, nodding softly.
He spun me around gently, embracing me and kissing my forehead over and over, "Trust me you are happy in the end, okay?"
"It just doesn't feel possible right now, Lou. It doesn't feel like something I even can imagine," I sighed out, allowing myself to nuzzle my face into his neck, kissing it softly. He sighed out, nodding with nothing else to say.
Neither one of us had anything left to say the rest of the night. We sat, finishing the bottle of wine in silence. I pondered over today's events, the situation with Niall, Louis' words. I couldn't help but wonder if in some weird way, my mom was right. If Niall really was the one, if all this tragically happened just so that we could be together.
My eyes traveled up to Louis, sitting on his spot on the couch we bought. His eyes flickered to mine, smiling small, "Yes, Bee?"
"You can't tell me who?"
He chuckled and shook his head, "Nope. Just gotta let destiny do its thing."
"Okay," I breathed out, eyes narrowed slightly.
"Okay."
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