#familypraxis

[uncommonnpraxis]

Escaping my past.

Now’s about the time I say I’m a better person than I was yesterday. However, I’m not so sure I can say this is the case. Since the day my grandmother passed, I’ve been striving to move forward and live the way she wanted me to. This would be possible if only my first abuser could be erased from my life. Not so easy when it’s one’s own mother. I dove head first into the stormy waters and I’m keeping my head up as I make my way to clearer skies. The issue is, she’s the water. All around me and pulling me under every so often. Her words are the cracking thunder, there to stun and hold me still in time, prohibiting my next move forward. The lightning is the flashbacks that make me lose my way, causing me to be thrusted back underneath the surface of the sea.  And every time I think I’m almost there...she strikes again. It’s her life goal to ruin mine the way that she did hers. And she could almost succeed each time if I hadn’t taken back control and gained more strength that I didn’t even know I had left. So this evening I received messages from her in my blocked folder, telling me that I will be kicked from my current insurance plan in 2 days, knowing very well that my vehicle is how I make money currently. I would have normally freaked out but I came up with a plan in 4 minutes flat. And I also didn’t let her ruin my whole day...This is a major breakthrough for me. I can’t say it’s a full victory, unfortunately. I still cursed her name and had bad thoughts about myself. I hope the day comes where I no longer hold onto the bad memories and I can just ignore it all together. I want her to get better.....but I want myself to get better, more than her. So I gave up on her after 32 years...and it’s been a very difficult situation to maneuver through. My dad’s picked up the slack but he has so many years worth of pieces to put back together. It’s a bit unfair to him...but everything in due time...