#fanby’s ramblings

[fanby-fckry]

I like having my avatar as myself with my flag because when people come to spread The Discourse™️, maybe they’ll stop and notice. Hey. That’s the angled aroace flag. OP is aroace-spec.

And if they don’t I can be like…

But then I made these:

And they’re just… They’re so beautiful. I need one to be my icon somewhere.

[yandere-romanticaa]

Speaking of persona, Takuto Maruki is my personal snacc lol. I wonder what you think of his design x3

Going in blindly by Google images he looks like someone I'd see on my college campus. I'd probably have coffee with him and we would have the occasional chat but we remain acquaintances.

[i-write-sin-not-tragedy]

7, 8, and 19 for the writer asks!

Thank you Fanby!!♡♡

7. Your Favorite a03 Tag

Oh god OEKFKKEKD probably either "arranged marriage" or "Weird flirting" i LOVE when characters' personalities are shown through what they consider to be flirting? This might stem from my very autistic and aromantic brain not grasping "regular" flirting at all but god i love the weird flirting tag so much

8. How slow is a slow burn?

Depends on how the flow of time works in the fic its self but usually i wouldn't call something "slow burn" unless it takes 5 chapters AT LEAST for the ship to even address their feelings

19. share a snippet from a WIP without giving any context

"......so, does your family really like spiders?"

Mismatched blue and brown eyes pop open just enough to give the younger girl an annoyed look.

"What?"

"Well, like, it's your family crest, right?" She continues, ignoring the boys' irritated look completely, rambling in a cheerful tone. "Ours is an apple! My dad has this whole story behind it. He LOVES to tell it any chance he gets, and it's sooooo long and weird and—"

"Cool. I don't care."

Charlie purses her lips, eyes narrowing. Both the kids' bodies bounce slightly when the limo hits a bump, jostling them in their seats.

"You're not very nice, Anthony." She says finally, arms crossed over her chest, rosey cheeks puffed up in a pout.

"I wasn't trying to be." The blonde boy retorts, sinking down in his seat across from her, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else.

[fanby-fckry]

It’s crazy to me that some people say, “I want her to step on me,” when they actually mean, “I am sexually attracted to her. I want her to fuck me, possibly in a Femdom way.”

I say that and I mean exactly that. I want the hot, evil lady to step on me and not fuck me. There will be no sex, none at all.

Every time I say something like, “I want her to step on me,” or “I would let this man eat me alive,” I mean it literally.

Obviously I cannot do some of these things because a.) unrealistic kink and b.) fictional character, but I cannot stress enough that the weird shit I say is not a metaphor for sex.

It is my ace self trying to express my desire for nonsexual kink in a popular format and failing miserably because I genuinely didn’t understand what allos meant.

[fanby-fckry]

Ok, I need to figure out how canon compliant I want my Radiohusk.

I was working on a rewrite for an old QPR Radiohusk fic that I wrote in 2020, and needless to say, I did not predict fucking Overlord!Husk.

I am now in a predicament, because like… I could theoretically retcon Overlord!Husk into this fic. That’s a thing I could do. But also… I don’t know if I want to.

Husk’s vibes in this fic are not Overlord vibes. They’re not even ex-Overlord vibes.

[fanby-fckry]

Do you ever just find yourself sad for some indiscernible reason?

I mean, like, it’s probably one of my many diagnosed mental illnesses which can cause periods of numbness and depression. But it feels nonsensical. Lacking any and all reason.

Just. :(

[fanby-fckry]

Clipping my cat’s nails always makes me feel like a monster.

[fanby-fckry]

.

Empathy is not empathy-ing this morning. It’s in the really frustrating way too, because I’ve got enough like… idk… emotional recognition? To know what I’m supposed to be feeling in response right now, but it’s not there.

Hello person that I love and care about. I see that you are upset over a very nuanced situation. I know usually, I’d have some level of empathy and be able to give a response that is informed by that empathy and validates your feelings about this very complicated situation.

But right now, my brain doesn’t want to see nuance, and it can’t feel empathy, so I’m left thinking, “actually, I do want horrible things to happen to the person who hurt you. I hate them. Yeah, feelings are complicated, but you know what’s not complicated? Punching this guy in face!”

Ok so actually that’s actually complicated for several reasons including distance and the fact that I’m like 110 lbs soaking wet with no fighting prowess, but… I wouldn’t stop someone else from punching this guy in the face.

I know I’ve talked on here about how I write Alastor’s symptoms from experience and well… Yeah, that includes the low empathy sometimes. Mine fluctuates a lot, ranging from hyper to hypo to a sudden and noticeable absence.

Unlike Alastor, I’ve got enough self awareness to recognize that I need to think twice about doing things on my low days, and I don’t actively try to repress the empathy I do have the way my portrayal of Alastor does, but yeahh…

I feel like if Alastor was in this situation, he’d have killed the guy already. Unfortunately, it’s no longer the early 20th century, and murder is a lot harder to get away with now a days, so this isn’t an option even without the whole nuance thing.

Kinda wanna do a one-shot of Alastor like, killing someone who hurt one of his friends and then dealing with the fallout. Because he’d think he was doing the right thing. There wouldn’t be a single second he’d doubt that he was carrying out justice and helping a friend.

But then the friend is sad because the person who hurt them was found brutally murdered? What? Why? Who doesn’t want their enemies to die a slow and painful death?

Because he’s not thinking about the fact that the ‘enemy’ was someone that his friend cared about. A family member or a partner or someone – because sometimes no matter how much someone hurts a person, it still hurts more to lose them.

Anyway, I want to cope by exploring Alastor’s weird moral code and making it backfire on him spectacularly.

[fanby-fckry]

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

[fanby-fckry]

I was going to add this to the previous post, but it got a little off-topic and I didn’t want to derail, so here it is on its own post:

I used to subscribe to the whole, “my body is a good body because it does xyz,” mindset. But that became a problem when, “my body is a good body because it gets me where I need to go,” wasn’t exactly true anymore because chronic pain worsening with age prevented me from actually being able to fulfill that last part.

My body was no longer getting me where I needed to go. It was no longer letting me move the way I wanted to. And I was frustrated and angry and upset with myself because the metric I had set for myself and my body was no longer applicable.

Since then, I’ve reframed things again. My body is a good body because it’s trying its best. It doesn’t always get me where I need to go, it doesn’t always move and function in the ways I want it to – the ways an able body/healthy body can. But damn, if it’s not trying.

So now when I get frustrated at my body for not doing “what it’s supposed to do,” I think of it as a little creature trying its best to move me from place to place while it’s low-key falling apart. It’s trying so hard. I don’t wanna be mean to it. I wanna support it because it’s trying its best to support me.

So I’ll try to go to PT and eat foods that fuel it and rest when it tells me to. And above all, I will be kind.

My body is a good body because it’s trying its best.

[fanby-fckry]

Me, online: I am cringe, but I am free. Cringe culture isn’t dead, but I’m killing it with my bare hands. I will enjoy my dumb little hobbies and interests and I will take pride in them. Everyone should do what they want forever.

Me, irl: If I stop masking my autism/ADHD/whatever makes me Like This™️ for one (1) second, then my entire family will hate me and I will crawl in a hole to decompose.

[fanby-fckry]

I need to retcon the timeline for the Fizzarozzie reveal in my hellaverse social media AU.

I originally based the timeline on the day that Mammon’s Magnificent Musical Mid-Season Special, intending for it to take place in 2023.

But then I more or less decided that for the purposes of my hellaverse content, I’m going to put the events of Hazbin Hotel in the year 2020, with Extermination 2 Electric Boogaloo on July 1st, 2020. (I have good reason to suspect that Hazbin happens on a leap year, and 2020 was a helluva year, so why not?)

I want Fizz and Ozzie to be able to flirt and be cute with each other on posts, so I need the reveal to happen before July 1st, 2020.

[fanby-fckry]

You ever just feel like a zoo animal without enough enrichment?

[fanby-fckry]

Having a nonbinary option for “legal sex” gives me worse dysphoria, actually.

I cannot legally change my sex to nonbinary in my state. Hell, I don’t think you can anywhere in the US? There are nonbinary gender markers on some IDs, and intersex options on some birth certificates, but I’m pretty sure I can’t choose nonbinary as my legal sex anywhere. Probably because it’s not a sex it’s a fucking gender but whatever.

Thanks for the illusion of choice and the crippling gender dysphoria of seeing my actual gender and being forced to click my AGAB anyway.

[fanby-fckry]

I picked out 30 pictures of Alastor to post because I learned I can do that on mobile as long as I use my browser.

The problem is. Now I have 30 pictures of Alastor. And they all need alt text.

I’m committed at this point, though.

[fanby-fckry]

Wow. Fucking love seeing that one of my roommates threw a whole ass loaf of bread in the trash. That was my bread. I bought that bread. I’m the only one who buys the off-brand bread.

I don’t know if there was something wrong with it or what, but they could’ve at least fucking texted me or something. Instead of letting me find it in the fucking trash.

I’m trying to apply for foodstamps and one of you assholes is throwing out my food without explanation or warning. Thanks.