#fandom is a fickle thing and i hate seeing people break themselves down over it

[azrielgreen]

remember why you started

it can be so easy to start creating for others and stop doing it for yourself, but that's where it fucks up every time. there has to be a pure vein of creation just for creation's sake, for your own wild and weird indulgence in the things that caught your attention and stoked your passion. when you trade that for external praise, you begin to lose your natural love for the core experience, and it becomes work. you become obsessed with numbers, with interactions, your "place" among others and before you know it, some bullshit hierarchy has formed and all that matters is no one overtaking you, no one doing the things you were doing first because what if they do them better? what if people stop looking at what you're creating? what if you gave everything you had, and everybody leaves anyway?

create for yourself. create for YOU and you alone, in at least one area of your life. not for money, not for attention, not for validation. just one little piece of fertile earth preserved for your weird little universe of exploration and inspiration and delightful failures and unexpected brilliance.

of course it feels wonderful to have people praising your work, to have touched people in some small way, to be SOMEONE, but here's the thing. you already were someone. you were you. and this attention, this validation and praise and interaction... it never lasts. it can't last. everything passes. the only way to truly get people to stay longer than they would, is to give everything you have and more, to break yourself down into pieces and sell them off one by one, become a content machine, or worse, to become a person who steps on others to be taller. someone who polices what others create.

but none of it is real or lasting. tumblr isn't real. twitter isn't real. the cliques aren't real. of a hundred people you know in your fandom experience, three of them might be true friends.

what is real, and what lasts, is what you create.

that's what people will find in ten years time when scrolling AO3 at one AM after a horrible fucking day, if the internet hasn't gone down forever, and that is what touches people. not the things you made purely for validation or comments or popularity. the art you made for you. imagination through the lens of a person whose experiences have shaped them uniquely, beautiful and strange and unknowable to someone else who has not had that same life experience, yet there, available, open and inviting, would you like to feel something new?

so please, when you find yourself dedicating more time to your socials and the construct of your online persona than the actual thing you were creating that first set fire to your passion, think about this. if it won't matter in five years, don't give it more than 5 minutes.

when you find yourself thinking "if i write this, people will really love it and respond to it, it's what's popular right now, everyone's talking about it, this will get me back where i was before" my darling, no it won't. creating for the sole outcome of interaction and praise and attention is a waste of your beautiful energy.

i've made plenty of mistakes, i'm still making them as i go along, but i have never stopped creating for myself and i never will.

people will write the thing better than you, they WILL get more attention, comments, reblogs, impressions, likes, kudos, you'll never hold onto the height of it, because everything changes, everything passes and that's how it should be. passion is river; depriving your interests of momentum and variation will make it a stagnant pond. embrace the new, trust that it will feel good again in new ways and just keep creating what you love, for the one person who needs it most - you.

you make art for yourself first.

that's why you started.

you made the thing you couldn't find anywhere else, your way.

and THAT is what will last.

[princeanxious]

Trust is a Fragile, Fickle Demon.

Pairing: Analogical

Fandom: Sanders sides

Warnings: hurt/comfort, happy ending, mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of mental abuse, mentions of abusive parent, mentioned of past betrayed trust, trust issues, let me know if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 1.9k words

(A/n): this is sort of a short one, idk that im very proud of it, its written a little differently than I normally write so let me know if ya’ll like it? I tried!

Trust was something earned, gained, given, not expected. At least, to Logan, thats how it’d always been. The omega had learned young the mistake of trusting anyone so readily, a freely given token of connection that only served to hurt him in the long run.

Even now, Logan was aware his upbringing had been slightly rougher than his common peers. His therapists all readily, or subtly, pointed out that his alcoholic alpha of a single father who never should have been a parent to begin with was undoubtedly the root cause of many of his issues.

First of all of them was the lasting trauma of the emotional abuse he’d endured as a child and teenager. Never smart enough, never quiet enough, never clean enough. He was never enough, he was never going to be enough. He was a weak, broken, and useless omega in his father's eyes, and would never amount to anything more. And while he never wanted to believe it, often said he never believed any of it, he could only confidently say he didn’t truly believe even just part of it by the time he was 23.

Another was that he’d never been given any freedom to do as he pleased when he was younger. He never got to visit friends or do anything more fun than read at the library(and boy did he read any chance that he got back then). His first real social outing was when Roman, his then longtime college roommate and current best friend, had playfully offered for him to come join him to go buy icecream at midnight. But, that story is better saved for a different time.

All you need to know is that, that midnight ice cream became a bi-weekly routine, and the other omega learned more about Logan than he thought he’d ever get out of the closed off nerd that night. Perhaps one could even go so far to say that Roman was the reason Logan ever even dared to go to a therapist in the first place.

Logan had become very stunted from the childhood neglect he’d endured. Omegas had many self-soothing mannerisms built into their primal instincts to comfort themselves when stressed, like purring when upset(was well as when happy or content!) and nesting to decompress or hide in a safe zone when stressed. And well, Logan had pretty much stifled his purring by the time he was 14, and.. Completely stopped nesting by the time he was 9.

There had been no point, and both had become increasingly dangerous to do as he grew older. Anytime his father caught him purring, the Alpha would berate him for being ungrateful, seeing it as a weakness. And no matter how well he’d try to hide his safety nests, his father would inevitably find them and destroy them. Far too many afternoons were ruined when he came home to find his father in a drunken stupor and his newest safe haven wrecked beyond repair, and stinking to high heaven of alcohol and aggressive, angry alpha pheromones.

So he gave up. He gave up trying to make the nests in hopes for comfort, in hopes for a safe haven to hide away. The longest he’d gotten was hiding away in his closet for periods of a time before his father decided it didn’t deserve a closeable door anymore.

Roman had been horrified, and promptly dragged the other omega into his own nest in distress. They spent hours like that, Logan sobbing and tucked up tenderly into Roman’s protective embrace as the omega purred and crooned comfortingly enough for the both of them.

It would be Roman to encourage Logan to begin nesting again. They’d made a whole day out of it, going out and buying brand new nesting materials along with comfort food and rented movies. Slowly but surely, Logan rebuilt his nest for the first time in a little over 10 years, and he was in heaven. And day by day, every time he came home to it intact and undisturbed, Logan’s psyche was assured just a little more that the nest was safe, that he was finally safe.

And no one could really be surprised that Logan became viscerally protective of his nest, even more so than the average omega, at that. The first time they realized this, one of their mutual friends, a beta named Patton, had suddenly come close to his nest in excitement over the new addition. Logan had snarled loudly and aggressively before he’d even processed moving to guard his nest from the approaching threat. When Patton had taken multiple careful steps back in shock, Logan finally snapped out of the defensive mindset and realized what had happened. He’d apologized profusely, and was quick to try and make amends.

Patton understood the justified reaction after some light explanation and waved off the apologies immediately. Logan, though mortified at his own surprising lapse in control, was grateful that there had at least been no hard feelings in the end.

Safe to say, their friend group and subsequently any new friends made in the future would be warned, “Don’t approach, or touch, Logan’s nest.” And it was fine. Things were even looking up, Logan had started truly healing, and trusting people started to become a little less difficult!

So it would really come as a surprise to everyone, let alone Logan himself, when he started developing a small crush on the kind and patient(if a little anxious) Alpha who nearly daily visited the library Lo worked at to study. It was an honest shock, but, perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world..?

Logan had never seriously considered dating another until Virgil came around, and the prospect of dating an alpha was frankly terrifying. But, Virgil was nice, he was caring and gentle with him, and yet unwaveringly respectful. He’d listen to Logan ramble about stars for hours and never interrupt him, only asking questions when Logan’s voice lulled or allowed him to speak. Virgil encouraged this, wanting Logan to open up and ramble and talk without fear of being shut down.

Roman had told Logan it was obvious Virgil was crushing hard on Logan, that they both had it bad for one another it seemed. Of course, nothing had to come of it if Logan didn’t want it to! But the thing was, he did. He did want something to come of it, if at the very least they could just remain friends.

It took a few more months, but Virgil eventually worked up enough confidence to ask Logan out, and the unwavering, almost immediate ‘Yes,’ had almost taken Virgil off guard. They wouldn’t share their first kiss for another few weeks, but neither of them minded.

Virgil slowly but surely was given the whole story, and expressed his own quiet outrage in the form of promising to never let that happen again, nor let Logan’s father near him again. It was a protective sentiment that almost scared Logan, but the protectiveness was born out of love and compassion, not selfishness and hate. So he let it slide, and contently tucked himself into Virgil’s warm embrace with a soft “thank you,” and the first very soft but very happy purr that he’d let out in years.

This alpha, he’d find him telling himself a year and a half into their relationship, this alpha was the one that would be allowed into his nest.

It didn’t bother Virgil personally, that he wasn’t allowed into his omega’s nest. No one was allowed near the nest except him, and even then he still got growled at plenty. He was completely aware that Logan had a deep instinctual fear of the destruction of his nest, sewn by the only parent he’d had growing up doing just that out of malice. Logan had made strides in his journey of healing though. The omega was confident in himself, and refused to be pushed aside or spoken over. Logan was highly independent, even during his heats, which made Virgil feel all the more love for him to be let into his omegas life.

Logan wasn’t dependent on him like society demanded he be, and Virgil didn’t mind in the slightest, because he knew Logan. He loved this omega and knew said omega loved him back. That was all that mattered to either of them.

It took another half a year before Logan finally tried breaking down some of his protective walls over his nest. He was tired, so tired of the separation. Having Virgil's scent heavily entwined with objects in his nest wasn’t enough anymore. At two years into their relationship, Logan’s instincts didn't feel the need to growl at Virgil for being near his nest anymore. He wanted Virgil in his nest, and that thought was jarring to realize.

And when he’d brought it up, Virgil had been quick to assure him that he didn’t have to force himself to let Virgil in, that Logan’s safe space was sacred and he never wanted Logan to feel pressured by anything to let him in.

Perhaps Logan kissed him soundly after that, and was reminded just how much he really loved Virgil. Virgil's insistence for Logan's comfort coming first only made him want to pull his alpha into his nest that much more.

But still, he agreed to take it slowly. Every day, Virgil would scoot a little closer to the edge of the nest, would hold Logan’s hand and stroke his hair, even sometimes daring to slowly lean over and kiss him with prior warning.

It took a full week to really prove to Virgil during their progress that they were ready to take this next step, that Logan truly and fully trusted Virgil and wanted him in his nest.

And when it finally happened, they’d made a little date out of the occasion, setting up snacks and candy, ordering take out and lining up a few documentaries to watch on Virgil’s laptop, getting into their nightclothes.

Virgil had been beyond nervous, and Logan understood why. They managed to soothe each other as everything fell into place, and Logan carefully walked Virgil step by step into his nest. With careful movements, they sat down and Virgil let himself be carefully arranged as he was leaned back into the nest. It took a second for Logan to finish tucking things against Virgil and pull a weighted comforter over them before he finally settled himself onto Virgil’s chest.

Despite their original nervousness towards the idea, everything felt right, now. Logan felt so unbelievably safe now that he was tucked into his alpha’s arms within the cocoon of his nest. It was amazing in its own right. And it takes Virgil chuckling lovingly for Logan to notice just how content they both are.

“You’re purring like crazy, L,” he murmurs with a smile, running his fingers up and down Logan’s rumbling back, “If you’re not careful you might fall asleep before we even get through the first documentary.” Logan just grins back, tilting his head to peck Virgil on the cheek.

“I see no downside to that, V, considering I’ll be falling asleep in my alpha’s safe embrace. What more could I ever want?”

Virgil flusters and hides his face in Logan’s hair as the omega laughs, hugging the other closer. Logan eventually does fall asleep in the middle of the second documentary, cuddled close and relaxed.

And really, there was no other place Logan would rather be.

[zocrzay]

I am coming clean and admitting I've had an unhealthy obsession these past few weeks analyzing the break up of Katie & Greg, my favorite ship from the entire Bachelor/ette franchise. I went down hard with this ship as it crashed and burned. From the beginning, I loved their chemistry and even if some say they were just trauma bonding over the passing of their fathers, I felt they had so much more going for them. I just figured out why I can't shake this pair out of my head.

Here it is: Katie & Greg remind me of Lizzie & Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, one of the greatest love stories ever told. The idea that a couple similar to a favorite fictional pairing could exist in real life had awakened the hopeless romantic in me.

Greg is totally Mr. Darcy. He is a family man, adorably awkward, reserved, internally tormented, but also deeply passionate. He's willing to dance to encourage affection.

Katie is like Lizzie. She is strong-willed, proud (maybe too proud), and has a sharp tongue. She gives no one permission to insult her. She loves her family even though they're embarrassing. Katie does not quite fit in with other women, but that is why she is so interesting.

The opposite personalities of Lizzie & Darcy made their playful banter and relationship dynamic so enjoyable. They challenged each others' ideas. They expanded each others' consciousness as they learned more about each other. This was synergy at its finest.

Katie is from hipster Seattle while Greg is from fuss-free Jersey - two very different worlds at opposite ends of America. They brought these worlds together in beautiful balance. When they split, the Bachelor Nation fandom was divided like a broken family. At least Greg owned up the error of his ways, but Katie seems dead set on hating him. Eventually, the false narratives she tells herself to keep her walls up will unravel . I hope she faces the facts and owns up to her part in the communication breakdown. When Greg was most vulnerable, Katie could not show a hint of honest affection. She accused him of giving up on the relationship moments after he confessed his love for her. Katie only spoke of herself as a prize to be won, but to Greg, she meant so much more than just that. I hope she realizes the profound truth in what Greg was trying to tell her the day he left her. True love is more than just keeping up appearances for a show and more than just physical attraction. It is more than just saying the words "I love you" or handing out roses. Katie and Greg were more than just two hot people who were mutually attracted to each other. They had divine harmony when they were together... until they were burned by the heat of their own fire.

It is nice to know Greg just wants Katie to be happy, but I do not believe Katie & Blake have the secret sauce. Good for them for having a lot of sex, but from what I know, that kind of connection is not long term sustainable. If banging each other is the main reason they're together, they'll eventually get bored. Blake fell in love so easily with two previous Bachelorettes and that cheapens his affection for Katie. I'm sure he can bounce back quickly if Katie left him. Sorry man. Blake seems like a great person, but his intellect does not seem to match hers ("You don't have to be great. You just have to be you." dafuq?). I thought she was smarter, but maybe her flippant use of the term 'gaslighting' proves otherwise. It is shamefully elitist to point that out, but honestly, their conversation was drab when they weren't talking about sex. There are a lot of hot horny ladies out there that Blake might have more chemistry with than her. He was not even sure he wanted to propose and it was mean to tease her in the proposal speech with "I don't think I can give you what you came here for". The Say Anything references were also cringeworthy. We did not see their love get tested. She was like a damsel in distress and Blake just swooped in to save her season of the show just because he happened to be there. It was quite dull. The 'conclusion' of their journey was really unsatisfying. Katie describing their love story as "perfect" just shows the lack of depth in their relationship.

Lizzie & Darcy were such beloved characters because they were both flawed. They both made mistakes, but because of their love, they were willing to overcome their pride and their prejudice. They corrected course and became the best versions of themselves at the end of the story before choosing to be together. "I was wrong" are three words that make the words "I love you" so much more meaningful. True love is transformational. Feelings of attachment are not true love unless there is consciousness. The best love stories are not about lovers conquering outside forces, but conquering their own inner demons. People truly in love consciously choose to grow together in spirit, not in spite of their imperfections, but because of them.

Greg was impatient and had unrealistic expectations. He should have given Katie more chances to figure out what he was saying. Maybe she found his desperation unattractive. Maybe if he helped her off the floor and said goodbye properly, she might have flown out to Jersey to go after him. Katie was shallow when she could only say "I just love looking at you" and spoke to Greg as if he were just a contestant on a game show. It seemed as if his pain was just an inconvenience to her. She seemed untrustworthy. If she had stronger feelings for Blake or was still undecided, openly expressing that to Greg would have been more respectable than stringing him along to dump him later. If Greg was the one she wanted the most, she looked incredibly fickle switching her affection to whoever was still available. Most people have not been in her situation, so it is tough to judge.

Lizzie Bennet said a lot of mean things, but she was a strong female character because she was able to learn from her mistakes and grow as a person without compromising her core values. She was in love with Darcy for his character and integrity. He was courageous, generous, and compassionate - his appearance, his wealth and his status were least important to her. He proved his love for Lizzie by his selfless acts of kindness to her family even after she accused him of being a pompous ass.

Greg staying out of the way to honor Katie's decision and let her be happy with Blake is an act of love. Him working on himself in therapy is another way to prove the love he had for her was real. Only Katie knows the inner conflict she's been facing. If she truly loved Blake, resolving her conflict with Greg will help her and Blake in the long run - otherwise their relationship will be haunted by the past. If life with Greg was always her true heart's desire, love will find a way even in the most impossible circumstances.

It really is not fair to compare real human beings to fictional characters - especially the exceptionally (maybe unrealistically) strong characters written by Jane Austen. I am just sharing my thoughts before I watch the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie for the hundredth time. I just want the satisfying ending I could not get from watching reality TV before I move on to my next obsession.

[blazerina]

Connected - Harper/Ethan/Allie (MC) - Open Heart

Connected – Harper/Ethan/Allie (MC) – Open Heart

Word Count: 2612

A/N: This story is based on this amazing song A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be – sent to me and requested by @unusualvisionsblog​ – thank you so much for the inspiration to finish this story. It took me a while but I’m really proud of how it all ended up.

Tagging my two fandom BFF’s @justanotherrookie​ and @parkerattano​ because they never fail to encourage and motivate me. Thankful for you ladies!

Lyrics to the song are below – I encourage you to listen while reading. It really sets the tone!

A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant to Be

I never should have called

‘Cause I knew you’d leave me

But I didn’t think

You could do it

So easily

I never should have held your hand

On that cold rainy night

‘Cause further along

It would cause another fight

 Stranger

That’s all I see

When I look into your eyes

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Stranger

Who knows all my secrets

Can pull me apart and break my heart

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 I never should have kissed

Kissed your hand

I’m under your control

I will never understand

 I never should have said

I love you

Never said it back

So why do I still care for you?

 Stranger

That’s all I see

When I look into your eyes

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Stranger

Who knows all my secrets

Can pull me apart and break my heart

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Wish I could go back to the day we met and leave you be

Sit and look pretty

 Never should have called

Never should have held

Never should have kissed

Never should have said…

 Stranger

That’s all I see

When I look into your eyes

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

 Stranger

Who knows all my secrets

Can pull me apart and break my heart

A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

--

--

Harper rolled over and pulled her phone off the nightstand to check the time.  She had been awake for a while but could tell by the faint light coming in through her window, that it was getting close to the time she needed to get up.

She sighed heavily as she realized her phone confirmed her assumption. Harper blinked a few times to ensure she was fully awake, already annoyed with the day.  She rolled over onto her other side and gently nudged her sleeping companion.

“Sam…Sam, wake up. It’s time for you to go. I have to get ready for work.”

The man next to her was clearly in no hurry to get out of bed.  He faced Harper with his eyes still closed, reaching out for her.

“Baby, we don’t need to be in a rush…” Clearly, he thought he was smooth. And clearly, he didn’t know who he was dealing with.

“I will not ask you again to get out of my bed.” Harper declared. “I told you last night this was a one-time thing.”

She slithered out of the bed, keeping one sheet wrapped around her naked body. Making her way to her bathroom, she called out to him, “I expect you to be gone by the time my shower is done.  You can see yourself out. Don’t leave anything behind because I’m not calling you back.”

The bathroom door forcefully closed behind her and Harper turned on the water.  Pushing herself over the sink, looking more closely at her reflection, she studied herself, looking into her own eyes.

She never meant to become the kind of person who had a string of one-night stands.  It wasn’t a part of her life she was especially proud of, but it served its purpose.  She was too old to be asking herself who she was, or to be trying to find her identity. Those years were safely behind her.  She owed it to herself to make up her own mind. She earned the freedom to stand by her own decisions without regret. The past was the past.

Part of her was relieved that she no longer had to share this portion of her life with the hospital. For far too long everyone from fellow doctors and administrators to volunteers and janitors, knew all about her every move. She was used to living in a fishbowl, but she was definitely over it. It wasn’t enough that she was proving herself to be a well-known and reputable medical professional, or that she was running one of the state’s largest and most prominent hospitals. Everyone needed to know about her personal life. She lost count of how many times people told her they couldn’t trust her if they didn’t know what she was “really like outside of this place.”

Ask anyone at Edenbrook about Harper Emery and you get a wide range of responses. Most people know her as a fine administrator and capable surgeon. Others are notoriously opposed to the way she performed as Chief and are thankful she’s been replaced by Naveen.  Across the country she’s known for her expertise in surgery and her swift, decisive actions that have saved countless lives. A majority of medical staff see her as fair but firm, with high expectations and standards, not only for herself but everyone she works with.

Of all the things people have said about her, and the gossip she’s heard behind her back for years, there’s always one statement that sticks in her mind the most and haunts her every day. She can see it in their eyes when they find out; especially the interns when they’re finally told.

She walks down the halls and all goes silent except for the clacking of her heels on the cold stone floor. A small smirk appears on her face as people try to busy themselves with work before she asks them what they’re doing.

Despite all her achievements and the work she is proud of accomplishing, she’s come to terms with the fact that she’ll be remembered for one thing as she brushes past a group and someone inevitably whispers:

There goes Dr. Harper Emery. Former Chief of Medicine and former girlfriend of Dr. Ethan Ramsey. That’s all you really need to know.

--

Allie sat in the cafeteria staring dejectedly into her bowl of soup, absentmindedly stirring it every few seconds. Her head was propped up on her hand with her elbow on the table. Her long red hair was in a pile on top of her head. Her eyes tired. Her feet aching. Her mind elsewhere.

Lately she had been thinking about Ethan. That was nothing new. She hated how their situation was at present. He clearly wanted to be with her, practically reached out to her on numerous occasions, but something was stopping him.  She heard time and time again that it was because of his care for her. That he wanted her to be the best doctor possible and he couldn’t do that and provide for her professionally if they were more than just colleagues. She rolled her eyes with disdain remembering how and when he said that word.

Professional.

It made her retch for a moment.  She had already been working for about eight-hours of her twelve-hour shift and she wondered how she’d make it the next four.  Allie turned her attention out the widow that overlooked a peaceful courtyard where patients or staff could go for a moment of quiet during the day.

She knew that her outlook on her relationship with Ethan had changed drastically over the past few weeks. At first, she thought she’d be able to handle it.  Ethan’s decision made sense and she’d stop at nothing to make sure she could be the best doctor possible, but lately she’d been struggling.  And right outside that window, sitting on a bench next to a patient in the courtyard, was the very reason why.

Dr. Harper Emery.

Allie didn’t know much about her past relationship with Ethan, only that she had one. And clearly it wasn’t an issue for him to be with her, so why was it such a big deal if she and Ethan wanted to be together instead?

In her head, Allie knew the difference. A subordinate and a supervisor is much different than two colleagues on the same level of the org chart, but her heart…her fickle-overly-emotional-prideful-too-hurt-to-admit-it heart, chanted to her over and over again:

You’re not good enough. You’ll never be her. There’s a real reason he didn’t want you. Do you honestly think you could measure up to that? She’s perfect. What would he ever see in someone like you?

It made it worse that Harper was the consummate professional around Allie. She was polite and welcoming, not warm, but still somehow hospitable. There had been a few times that she pushed back on Allie and challenged her, but nothing over the line.

Of course, it’s easy for her to do that.

The voice in her head reminded her.

She knows she’s got you beat in every category. You’ll never be competition to her.

Allie had even been watching Harper more intently when she worked with Ethan. There were so many little things that she had not noticed before.  A few days ago, as Allie arrived for her shift, she noticed Harper helping him with his tie outside the cafeteria. A soft smile formed at the corners of her mouth as she straitened it for him and looked him in the eye.

“What would I do without you?” Ethan asked, his tone a bit too playful for Allie’s taste.

“Oh, you’d find a way to manage.” Harper responded. “After all, you’re Doctor Ethan Ramsey. You don’t let anyone around here forget it.”

Her composure as polite and calm as ever, Harper turned quickly on her heel and walked away. Allie swore Ethan’s eyes followed her all the way down the hall.

Allie knew that pining away for Ethan and obsessing over his every interaction with Dr. Emery would not serve her well. She needed to focus.  But it was becoming more and more difficult. She was starting to lose confidence in herself and her abilities, which made her need and desire for Ethan all the more great.

He was the one who told her she could do anything.  He was the mentor that taught her everything she knew about being a doctor. He was the one she needed.  The one she was meant to be with forever.

All she had to do was convince him she was worth it.

Inevitably, the seed of doubt sprouted again in that arrogant-unstable-frustratingly-emotional heart of hers.

Who am I kidding? If Ethan couldn’t even make it work with someone as amazingly flawless as Harper Emery, how the hell do I stand a chance?

--

There they were.  The two most prominent women in his life, chatting together in the hallway, right in front of his office.

Ethan told himself this couldn’t be good.  Each woman on their own was difficult enough but seeing the two of them together made his pulse quicken. He felt his throat start to itch and he loosened his tie a bit, feeling a slight sting of anxiety in his stomach as he approached them.

“Dr. Emery.” He nodded. “Dr. Valentine.”

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Please, come in.”

“I told you.” Harper crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised one eyebrow in triumph, nodding towards Allie.

“Told her what?” Ethan asked, confused.

“We aren’t here to see you.” Allie explained.  “We are discussing tomorrow’s surgery for Ms. Hogan. And as we were talk-“

Harper cut Allie off mid-sentence.

“I told Dr. Valentine that we should probably move this conversation elsewhere or finish before you returned, otherwise you’d think our presence at your door had something to do with you.”

“Sorry to inform you that it doesn’t…” Allie looked amused.

“I see.” Ethan responded shortly, his brow wrinkled, slightly irritated.

“You walked right into it, Ramsey.” Harper teased.

“Well played. I bid you all a good afternoon then. Seeing as how I’m not needed, even though you two purposefully stopped right outside my office. Let’s carry on with our work now instead of playing games, shall we?”

Ethan walked into his office and closed the door behind him, letting out a long sigh.  The sight of those two, hearing their voices, the knowing way they mocked him, it was almost too much for him to handle. Harper was always quick to prove him wrong and reveled in any opportunity to do so.

He cursed himself for pursuing anything of substance with either one of them. He hated having regrets, but to see how things has ended up for all of them, he couldn’t help it.  Nothing felt natural anymore – at least not for him. Everything was thought through and carried out with the utmost precision. His actions felt robotic as he made doubly sure not to make either of those women think he still had feelings for them.

Ethan was most careful to watch himself around Allie, as his time with her was the more recent and the most potent. It was challenging, though. He was drawn to her by a indescribable force. It took everything within him to pull himself away from her. In meetings, at the front desk, in the elevator, talking with patients, she always said or did something that made him weak in the knees.  

It was killing him not to be able to see her after work, to spend time with her outside the office, to hear about her life beyond the walls of the hospital but he knew it was the right thing for her. If he had any desire to protect her or keep her safe and not hurt her any more than he already had, this is the way it needed to be.  

Getting mixed up with a guy like him was bad news, just look at what it did to Harper.

Harper had always been the model of decorum; prim and proper, respected by all – but Ethan wasn’t stupid. He knew that now a part of her sterling reputation had been tarnished because of him. He heard the low voices whispering behind her back as she passed by. He was all to familiar now with the light in the interns’ eyes, how they lit up with intrigue when they found out that he and Harper had been…

What had they been? It was never anything real, which he blamed himself for.  They had each other when they needed each other and that was about it.

Nothing substantial. Nothing with roots.  Nothing that would last.

Nothing like…

His pager went off, rousing him from his diatribe of thoughts.  Silently he opened the door and went to follow the page, not even noticing that Harper and Allie were still there, chatting away.

--

It was the end of another unremarkable day at Edenbrook. Harper was headed with her bag in hand towards the elevator doors, but they were closing too quickly.

At the last second, she made the decision to head towards the stairs, when a familiar voice called out:

“Harper. Come on, plenty of room in here.”

That voice would stop her in her tracks anywhere.

“Thank you, Ethan.” She smiled tightly as she entered the elevator with him. He held the doors open until she was settled and then pressed the button to close them.

Such a typical Ethan-move. Harper thought to herself.  

Trying to win me over with his charm and chivalry. Don’t do it Harper, don’t fall for it. Not again. He’s not worth it.

Ethan focused his eyes straight ahead trying not to engage.

Leave her alone. You have to let her go.

--

Allie was ready to leave. The remaining portion of her shift had not passed as quickly as she had hoped. Nervous, yawning, grumpy and ready to soak her throbbing feet, she impatiently waited for the elevator to reach her floor. She could not wait to once again be reunited with her beloved bed.

The monotone bell rang out signaling the elevator’s arrival. She stepped in and surveyed the group of people also in the elevator. Parker from imaging. The really nice man in charge of housekeeping – she could never remember his name… – and Ethan.  

Of course there was Ethan.

And Harper.  

Lovely.

The nameless housekeeping man was first to exit. This ride was now officially long and uncomfortable. She wondered if Ethan and Harper felt the same.

A few floors later, Parker from imaging said a courteous goodnight and left the elevator.

Only four more floors to go.

All that remained was the three of them, each one with their eyes silently fixed on the numbers above the elevator doors.  They illuminated, one by one, giving them hope that this uneasy metal box would deliver them from this situation soon.

Four…

The reputable doctor marred by transgressions with a colleague unable to forgive herself for wanting true love.

Three…

The world-renown diagnostician, somehow able to have so much and yet so little at the same time, feeling remorse for hurting two perfectly fine young women beyond repair.

Two…

An innocent second-year resident, thrown into a world she wasn’t ready for, caught up in confusion about her own feelings and comparing herself to someone she secretly admired and hoped to become.

One…

All three tired of being lonely, disappointed in themselves, and wanting nothing more than true, life-long companionship.

All three connected not by choice but by fate yet going home, once again, all alone.

[motorcyclegirlfriends]

Was it rude? Sure. Was it offensive to lgbt+ fans? Yes.

Was it homophobic?

No.

It may have hurt you, as a wlw, to see them so casually disregard something you are so attached to. To see them so casually disregard something you’re so attached to because you are a woman who loves women.

But the truth of the matter is, they just saw it as a ship that isn’t going to be canon, but that everyone has gone crazy for.

This happened, not because they are homophobic, but because they don’t realize the impact even non-canon wlw ships have on wlw. 

They likely thought of it the way they think of other ships. Like typical ship wars, except there’s no reason for it because it’s not a part of the show they’re making.

Let’s break it down:

“They’re only friends. They’re not gonna get together, they’re only friends.”

This statement in and of itself was not homophobic.The shouting was cringy, but It could be said about any gender combo of a ship that isn’t going to happen, and there’s nothing inherent in it’s use that implies there is homophobia underlying it.

Heteronormativity, I suppose, in them assuming that Kara and Lena could never get together. (But it’s also true? They know that they’re not going to get together? They were never going to get together, and we all knew this.)

People are inserting a “we don’t like this ship because it’s gay” into the “they’re only friends!” that doesn’t exist at all. 

If an actor said this about a straight, non-canon ship, even in the shout-y way they did it, it wouldn’t be a big deal. It’d suck for the people who shipped it, but it wouldn’t be a mark against their character, really.

Take for instance, The 100’s Eliza Taylor’s pretty obvious annoyance at Bellarke. A lot of people ship this non-canon ship, are super invested in it, and she’s pretty apparent about her dislike of it.

But because it’s not a gay ship, it’s not a big deal.

Their misstep was in not realizing that this isn’t a straight ship, and that it has a deeper meaning to people. It’s something that Jeremy is finding out-

Uninformed, not homophobic. It’s like someone calling someone something that they didn’t know was a slur. You aren’t aware of the impact the words can have, and you don’t mean it in the way that would hurt them.

Side note: it’s easy to say “then they should just apologize and not make excuses.” But when the alternative to me explaining myself is the other person thinking I actually feel a certain way, a way that would hurt them and lessen my own character exponentially, I’d probably do the same thing. Defend myself, whilst recognizing that I hurt the other person and apologizing for that. I wouldn’t apologize for being homophobic if I wasn’t homophobic.

In my drafts, I have a response to someone asking if Kara and Lena could ever get together a few weeks ago, and it was a strong “No, do not put your hope in this possibility”.

It’s sucks that we can’t have two main wlw relationships on a mainstream show at this stage, but that’s the way the reality of the world is, especially coming from straight writers who want to write stories about themselves. Realistically, we need to look toward wlw writers for that kind of representation.

But if your anger is about the fact that they won’t get together even though they have chemistry, that we don’t have the option that heterosexual ships have of something developing because of chemistry, then I think your anger is misdirected at these cast members, who are simply aware of this fact and did not make it so.

Should you be angry at the writers? Maybe. I think it’s the industry, more than any individual creative team (producers are more accountable because they are the gatekeepers), at this point. Writers like to write things they relate to, so we need to get people in who are lgbt+ to handle these stories if we want more than one or two lgbt+ characters. 

What you should be angry at is that it looks like Ali Adler, a lesbian writer, was pushed out of the show.

Melissa’s comments, specifically:

Because this is a Kara/Melissa heavy blog.

“We’re only friends.”

Melissa was singing “a girlfriend” about Lena up until Jeremy shouted “They’re only friends!” 

Then she laughed at Jeremy’s comment, mimicked his shouting, and said “We’re only friends!”

Like .2 seconds ago, she was into it. 

Her stance didn’t shift from accepting to rejecting, she just joined in on a joke about how everyone loves these two characters together but they’ve been playing them as just friends.

(To me, this read like fake exasperation, playing that someone is repeatedly asking you if you’re into someone, but you’re not. I won’t argue that this is true, because we really can’t be sure, but that’s what my people-reading instincts are telling me about the situation?)

But as it stands, I don’t sense any hostility toward the concept of supercorp at all.

“That was brave.”

Melissa said this, not as “You’re so brave for standing up and going against the gays. It’s what we’re all thinking.”

She said it as, “You’re brave for saying that a ship that people are so so into is definitely not gonna happen when we’re expected to tiptoe around that fact as much as we can, to keep them watching. And for saying something against a group that has a really impactful presence online and who’s fans been known to harass people who are a threat to the ship (Rahul Kohli, anyone?).”

And Katie, a few minutes later, said that she and Melissa talked about how it was great that people could look at what they do and see something totally different from what they saw. And Melissa has enthusiastically agreed with the positive things that Katie has been saying on the matter.

She hasn’t said much herself, beyond that it’s cool that people can take away from it what they like and that she’s cool with it (plus when asked why people like supercorp so much, she said “A Luthor and a Super” which made me happy because it’s like an Iconic™ line from the show and a big way that I conceptualize them) but she’s a wallflower type and more comfortable directing people to others’ articulation of difficult topics than expressing them herself (like posting someone else’s comments about he US backing out of the Paris Agreement on her instagram, avoiding giving long speeches about her relationship with Chyler because it makes her emotional, letting Katie- who has more experience on this matter- take the wheel with explaining where they stand, liking Jeremy’s apology but not posting one of her own). She’s an introvert awkward type, not a Supergirl Hope Speech type. The only thing she really seems comfortable talking about is Kara’s characterization and growth, because it’s what she knows best and has lines ready to go.

As for Katie herself:

She laughed, and it wasn’t an awkward laugh. She thought it was funny. People have been posting pictures of her reaction that are misleading, but this was her initial laugh:

That’s a genuine laugh. Taking a single frame of a laughing face and adding the words “help me” over it will make anyone look like they’re faking being amuse. But this is a real laugh.

And it’s not the end of the world.

Because she didn’t think it would hurt anyone. At least not in that moment.

Later on, after thinking about it and having a lot more experience with these specific kinds of wlw fan situations than the rest of the cast, she re-emphasized her support. 

And Melissa agreed 100%.

The cast was not trying to mock anyone, but to say something dramatically in jest, not realizing that it’s actually hurtful. Like teasing someone about being short and then realizing that they are actually sensitive about it. The other person’s feelings are valid, but accusations that you hate short people are not.

There are other things that I have issue with that Jeremy said (and with Chris but I’m not gonna touch that). His use of the word “debunked”, as if Supercorp is a conspiracy theory, for example. His initial apology that was less empathetic than it was defensive (likely in response to aggressive as hell comments, to be fair).

But based on his follow up apologies, I think he’s starting to get where it went wrong, that fandom is really important to people and not a fickle thing, and even that his initial apology wasn’t good enough.

And Melissa isn’t going to post a formal apology. It’s not her style, she doesn’t write on social media like that at all. Even if she does feel bad that she hurt people’s feelings, her method of making it better will likely be saying positive things about Supercorp in the future. Which doesn’t make her fake or two faced, it makes her capable of growth and empathy.

They made a mistake and said something super insensitive, but not something homophobic. The intention and the knowledge behind words matters, and placing a double meaning of mal intent into those words (but of course absolving your fave of any connection to it) doesn’t help anyone.

[sarcasticgaypotato]

Oh my *god* I didn't know people were still active in this fandom/ship and I'M SO HAPPY!! If you're still doing requests would you mind doing something small where Chell takes off her shirt to shower or something and GLaDOS realizes how alarmingly thin she is from all that time asleep, and does her best to casually apologize for the comments about Chell's weight.

(( Indeed there are!  Unfortunately it’s a precious few who still make chelldos content, but I try to be somewhat regular!  Please enjoy! ))Let it be said that, for all the things GLaDOS had done, she hadn’t ever watched the cameras in the test subject showers while humans were in there.  Not out of any concern for their privacy; she spied on them in practically every other way.  She supposed she just had no real interest in watching naked humans cover themselves in soap to make their disgusting bodies slightly less disgusting. And besides, every human was dead anyway, so the cameras were nothing more than a formality.  Well, every human except for one. Chell, her former test subject.  She had let the girl go, but Chell had found herself back here regardless.  In a world where everything was dead, it only made sense to return to live with a robot.

So with a human finally living in its halls again, not being confined to test chambers, Aperture’s shower room finally got some usage.

GLaDOS had no real reason to check the camera when she noticed Chell walking in there, but a spark of curiosity tempted her to just… look.  To see this whirlwind of a woman, powerful, stoic and unshakable, finally let her hair down. Quite literally- GLaDOS didn’t think she had ever seen the human with her hair out of its ponytail. Chell walked to the very end of the room, picking the shower stall farthest from the door. It wasn’t as if there was any other humans in there for her to be avoiding, but perhaps it was just habit.  GLaDOS watched with interest, the cameras whirring to life for the first time in years.She could not tell if Chell had noticed them, but the AI assumed she had.  There were several very obvious cameras lining the walls, though they didn’t look inside the stalls.  Made the humans notice them, and assume there weren’t any more.  That wasn’t true.  Slightly more hidden ones were in each stall, providing a view of anything the test subjects did.GLaDOS hadn’t designed this area, but she could only assume the scientist who did was incredibly desperate.So, both the outer and inner camera tracked Chell’s movements, watching as she grabbed soap and shampoo, disrobed, tested the heat of the stream of water, then got in.There must’ve been at least a hundred things GLaDOS could have been looking at or studying. She could’ve thought about how Chell relaxed under the hot water- how foolish, to let her guard down- or perhaps she could’ve noted how the human had accidentally gotten soap in her eyes when trying to wash her hair for the first time in many years.But she didn’t. All GLaDOS could seem to notice about Chell in this moment, was her body. And, not in the way that the scientists who installed these cameras might have.She did not stare at the girl’s long legs, or gawk at the way her silky, dark brown hair clung to her back when wet. Instead, there was a distinct twist of uneasiness in her non-existent stomach how just how… skeletal Chell seemed.  Years of being asleep, time spent on the surface with likely little to no food source, and constant exercise resulted in a very clear outline of the former test subject’s ribs starkly showing against her skin.GLaDOS supposed she ought not to care, it wasn’t her problem. Yet, guilt coiled inside her, and she found herself nervously tapping the armrest of her chair as she watched, wanting to look away but unable to tear her gaze from the screen.

Do you pity her?

Echos of a woman long dead rung in GLaDOS’s ears, causing her hand to twitch and her expression to shift, repressing the urge to verbally respond to a voice in her head.Did she pity Chell?  Was that the sole reason for her uneasiness?  No.She knew full well why she felt guilty. It was the comments, coming from herself, and at times, a certain, space bound moron. Teasing the girl for her weight, only in the opposite direction. Not once had GLaDOS ever made mention, or hell, even look all that closely at the girl’s form, especially not when it was hidden by baggy clothing.  She had teased and poked at something so nonexistent, it was frankly ridiculous. She pondered over this for a few moments, her mind swimming with thoughts, and her feelings uneasy.Part of her wondered if Chell was aware of all this. If she knew what a bad state of health she appeared in be in. If so, why wouldn’t she say something?  Well, maybe not SAY anything, but GLaDOS knew the girl was stubborn and seemingly quite fixed on keeping herself alive, so why not make some kind of indication that she needed something?Was she simply not aware of the poor condition of her own body? Did she actually believe GLaDOS’s sarcastic comments? Surely not. Even GLaDOS herself had always known the insults were a stretch, but they were cheap, easy, low blows.  They could dig deep and cause insecurity, and at the time, that had been her goal.Now though, she found herself… regretting her words.That thought alone caused her to recoil, her artificially constructed face to scrunch up with a mixture of confusion and surprise. That never happened.  She didn’t take things back. She was always right; she was the smartest being alive. This was her facility. She could do and say whatever she wanted, and she was justified.To regret her comments over a pathetic feeling of guilt wasn’t right.  The queen of Aperture had no reason to feel guilt. She would simply ignore it.  Any problem will go away with enough time if you don’t think about it.The android huffed, forcing her gaze to a different screen, staring at Orange and Blue testing with as much intensity and focus as she could muster.However, the shower room camera screen remained in the corner of her eye, never leaving her peripheral.Minutes passed like hours, and GLaDOS was not thinking about Chell.  She was thinking about science, and she was not distracted. Any traces of guilt were gone, replaced by the cool, calm indifference of a true scientist. No, she was not digging her fingers into the armrests of her chair. She was perfectly content.…Chell had finished her shower, GLaDOS noted. The water had been turned off, which prompted the core to glance at the screen just to… make sure there weren’t any problems with the plumbing.The android couldn’t tear her eyes away this time, the feeling of unease that had lingered in her stomach only getting worse the more she stared.Chell grabbed a towel and started drying her hair, slowly stepping out of the shower stall and into the open area where a clean set of clothes awaited her.  She faltered as she moved, GLaDOS caught it. A small, barely noticeable movement, but seen by the core’s keen eye.  For a second, the human’s legs shook, and she seemed unsteady. Tired. Exhausted even. Had she been like this the whole time?GLaDOS did a quick scan of any footage of the test subject over the past hour or two, and found her answer.  Chell was stubborn and determined, but not immortal, and most definitely human.  Her breathing had been shallow all day, and she took frequent, very short breaks. No longer than a minute, but it seemed the girl was stopping far more often than GLaDOS remembered.She wasn’t lazy, she was genuinely unable to keep going like this. And yet, she did nothing to change it. She went about her day with her head held high, as prideful as a lioness, strutting around Aperture like she owned it.At first, it didn’t make any sense to the robot. Chell was so hyperfocused on her own survival, facing anything the world threw at her just to keep her own life. She’d take down a god for her life and freedom, only to waltz right back on her own terms when she needed it.  So why not seek help? Why not request assistance from GLaDOS?Then, it dawned on her.The AI’s comments actually got to the girl. Whether she believed them or not, they had an effect. Maybe she believed the core completely, or maybe knew she needed help but expected more cruel comments from the core if she asked for help.It seemed impossible, that petty, little insults were enough to get under Chell’s skin when she appeared so unshakable and collected in the face of said comments when they were thrown at her, but the evidence lined up.Before the core even realized what she was doing, she had turned her mic on, and started to speak.“Of course. You always manage to cause problems, don’t you?”GLaDOS hardly knew what she was saying before it came out of her mouth, the words tumbling out with little grace.Chell looked up at the camera, a shirt halfway over her head and a confused expression on her face.  She hadn’t done anything.“I really do hate being wrong, and it isn’t my fault you humans are so fickle.”The android felt a rush of heat surge to her face as she scrambled to explain herself without actually apologizing.  She felt this overwhelming urge to relieve herself of this guilt, but she couldn’t apologize. She couldn’t. She didn’t know how. It made her feel weak, human.Quickly and vainly trying to compose herself, she spoke again, trying to sound as professional as possible.“For the sake of being an accurate source of knowledge at all times, we at Aperture Science… temporarily take back any comments on excessive body mass on your part. Aperture Science will aid you in fixing this inaccuracy, after which you will be required to properly maintain your mind and body in order to qualify as a viable test subject. You are dismissed.”Slowly, the feeling of uneasiness lessened. GLaDOS let her shoulders relax, and found herself checking to see if there was any cake mix laying around.