#fatmarsthoughts

[petitewishes]

I know you moved on from me now but I still think about you often. I miss how well you treated me dearly. You were such an angel. The one I really took for granted. The thing is I knew, I knew everything about you was perfect. I had come from a toxic family with conditional love, you had come from a family with broken love. But you loved me immensely and it showed. You taught me everything I didn’t learn when you held my hand a certain way and rubbed it with your thumb I had no idea what that was but it was so cute. The memories we made for 10 months I could never forget. You see, 5 years later I still think about you because when we ended I had started talking to “A” for two years. I replaced the void of losing you. Then A left and I realized I never healed. I know your new girlfriend treats you so good fk. You’re going to hit 2 years on September 25th.. a day after my birthday. I was so happy when she made you a diy box birthday gift. You deserved that and more. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to go. I had sacrificed are love for Allah and I’m so happy u got her. But I’m still alone. Allah showed me how haram relationships hurt and why they’re haram in the first place. You moved on so fast ... I’m still waiting for someone. I pray I pray my husband will be like you. I am emotional because I listened to two one direction songs that was our songs. I don’t know what to say anymore. I hope I did the right thing by letting him go. He even tried to convert for me. :( on my wedding day I’ll look into the crowd and I’d imagine you all the way in the back smiling back at me. I remember how bad we ended and how I made it worse and dramatic. I could not let you go. I used to text you out of no where a lot every time you would tell me the same thing. Let it go. I stopped texting him when I got sad last year sometime early 2019. I still see him at my same university I guess that’s my guilty pleasure. But yeah I’d look for you in the crowd and I’d smile back at u because after all the shit I had put us through I had finally let you fully go. Allah will reward me won’t he? It was so hard fk. I couldn’t control my emotions and you dealt with the episodes so well. I’m not crazy. It was just 10 months. But we were friends for two years before that. And kept in touch because of my emotions for a whole other year. Basically 4 years plus all these years of college I still see you around. I don’t know what this is.. an I miss you post ? Or I’m sorry post ? I know he doesn’t care anymore. I know he just wants me to move on and be happy. I cannot wait to announce an engagement on instagram, I know his sister, his cousins, and his girlfriend, and friends will see it. I just KNOW he would get text messages at the same time( maybe even a call) saying RIS FUCKING ENGAGED. Inshallah you would then say wow I hope they’re happy. I know he would. I’m so proud I haven’t bothered you again and it’s been about a year. Corona makes it hard but it’s okay. I know it was meant to end. I know i didn’t make a mistake. He’s happy without me for a reason. Sigh... frank. This is goodbye. #thefinalletter #perfect #trulymadlydeeply

7/23/20 ..💔🖤🤍 4 a.m

[petitewishes]

#4

Diary entry.

Sounds like I need to write down how much my life continues to change and go downhill but revolving on this same problems.

I’ll talk about my “bestfriend” first, this b we can call her lily and I were invited to a wedding and she had been negative about it since the beginning ! She didn’t want to go blah blah blah too much stress. We were both taking summer classes so I thought telling her she should come and it’ll be fun was the right thing. But then she tells the friend that invited her that she’s so sick of me because I made her rsvp... bitch no I didn’t.. you didn’t make the deadline for the rsvp you were too irrisponsible and left for your vacation two days before without sending it. So you ASKED me to do it for you. This ungrateful selfish ass bitch only cares about her boyfriend honestly.

Now secondly, UGHHH I resubmitted a special circumstance appeal so that I can get some money but it’s still being reviewed and the full tuition cancellation date is on the 12th.. and I don’t know if I need to drop my classes yet or not because they won’t get back to me ! And my chemistry class is so hard and I have the first exam on the 14th! How tf am I supposed to know whether or not to work my ass off yet if I don’t even know if I’ll be there in a few days! I guess I should apply for installment payment but the first ones due on the 15th! And it also has a $40 non refundable charge!! Like ?!? Bitch I still have to pay for books and idk whether or not to pay for them because again I DONt know if I’m Fucking staying !!!

And besides that A had oral bleh on fucking Neals birthday like are u kidding me. And now he’s dealing with some drama he can’t even tell me about. It’s been 3 days and we haven’t been able to have a good conversation because I’ve been busy and then falling asleep too early and waking up at 4 am which is when he’s been sleeping.. idk why... and Idk why it feels like it’s been forever when it’s only been 3 days!

Besides that idk what my friends want to do for my birthday.. probably nothing.. but I’m just annoyed with Lily’s behavior. And I don’t even want to talk to her right now after she yelled at me on FaceTime. Stupid bitch. I ended up going to the wedding alone with my mom and her seat was empty.

Anyways, that’s all besides the fact that I’m still worthless and fail to look skinny. But imma try harder because everyone tries me but wait till I’m skinny I’ll have more power over them. Hah

9/8/18

6:15 AM

[petitewishes]

Intro Post!

Wow, I've had this blog for so long and all I was doing was reblogging shit of how I felt. I had a little journal once but then someone moved it because it was in a different spot in my room and I think they might've read it but I don't know for sure.

 If they read it wouldn't they have said something.. did they just not care … IDK 

I've always had ED accounts but I'm well known for my twitter ED account. However there's only so much you can express with 180 characters ( or however many it is now ) 

ANYWAY. My point is this is now my online journal. I hope I can keep up with posting. I might explain more when I come back from my advisors office, I have to talk to her about my 4 year plan. Im going to think of a hashtag for my posts so that you don't have to search through for my posts. 

I act like this blogs going to be popular when I know it wont.. Its just my thoughts. since im so tired of posting so much on my real life finsta and twitter, I must be annoying people. I want to disappear from their lives from a while. I wonder if they'll notice. I don't want them to know my life but I still want to post about it.. so this is perfect. I can be whoever I want to be behind a screen. I assume its harder for the bitches who found my ED twitter to find this. As long as I don't post pics I should be fine!

Anyways, I better go. Ill never spam but Ill try to make one big long post for the day and edit it throughout and date and time it so that I don't get confused if I ever look back at my horrible mess of a life.

Also yes if you didn't notice.. Im very dramatic. 

Always feel free to message me!

#FatMarsThoughts

[petitewishes]

Humbled

We eventually talked about what happened, he’ll never forgive me for taking MOs side without asking his side first. He understands why but he won’t forgive. I guess people should learn not to lie to me because I feel very hard and once I’m mad I will go off on you but then later I calm down and remember how much I love u and want to fix things. How much is it ok for me to blame on my bpd?

I wonder how any of this happened, maybe I shouldn’t have been jealous like maybe I should’ve just told him I’m getting attached, maybe.. I shouldn’t have met such an amazing person like him. How lucky I was to have gotten to know him. I hope I find someone half as good as him. I probably won’t. I wish I could be her but I’m not. Hell the girl he’s dating now I used to like. I wasn’t confident enough to ever tell him because I knew he wouldn’t like me back.

I’m heartbroken and I can’t get over him. But I didn’t want to like him!!

-will we ever be the same again?

4:28 pm

5/28/19

-please come back, A. Now or in 5 years. Please come back.

[petitewishes]

Spring break

A break everyone was so excited for because we would be out of school but spring break makes me sad because I feel so alone. All my friends went out of town or hung out with other people and I didn’t do anything and yea I enjoy breaks but noooo one talks to me and I feel lonely. And I hate that no one checks up on me because they all probably think I’m fine since I post friends a lot and do things but I always feel alone allllllllllllll the time. And I don’t know why everyone leaves but all I wanna do is push everyone away. I’ll never be happy no one will ever truly like me. I’m stupid to think they even would ya know. Tommorow I have to finish my homework I need to do it. Ugh

11:13 pm

3/14/19

[petitewishes]

#6

I found out a few days ago that my circumstance was approved.. FINALY. I have a hold on my account from not paying tuition and classes already started so I need them to hurry up and put the funds in so I can register for classes.. with the little spots that are left 🤮 that’s all I wanted to say because I’m sure lazy. But yea anyways ass is completely out of my life he blocked me after I confronted him with all his bullshit. I still miss him sometimes but he was so toxic for me. I still can’t believe he lied and is dating someone who hates me. 💔 I’ll never be able to trust again.

Happy New Years though. I went to Florida during the holidays which was fun I guess.

Pretty sure I haven’t lost any weight and I have to deal with school stress now but I guess I’m trying to be greatful for my life.

1:39 am

1/13/19

[petitewishes]

3 MONTHS???

It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve updated ?? Wowwww my life must’ve been crazyyy. Basically I missed to update on summer. Okay so first it was mainly just fasting for the month of ramadan. I also took one summer class which felt weird and I always paid for street parking.

I mentioned before that A and I patched things up. Afterwards, I still had some crying lonely episodes. I prayed to God to help me forget and move on because the pain was getting in the way of things.

And then.. one night.. I joined this comedians instagram live story.. the day I met Ramadan. Shit basically went crazy but I think we’re pretty much cooollll now. Like damn I gotta stop being such an attention seeker. But that drama weirdly helped me get over A??

Things are starting to be a little better in my life and I really don’t want to fuck that up.. I passed the math final exam and got an A in the class (alhumdulilah!), my financial aid was approved for the upcoming year (alhumdulilah!), I am currently typing this from Hyderabad Pakistan (double alhumdulilah!!).

Things were sooo much worse last summer and I don’t want to fuck things up so this is my reminder to myself to stay out of trouble because I almost got into some more tonight after we fixed things on Ramadan’s live.

Ri please don’t ruin your own life! I’m going to enjoy the rest of my trip and then focus on school!! I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT OTHERS WAYYY MORE THAN MYSELF! I don’t have genuine friends ?? That’s fine, who cares, life goes on! I’ll just make more and more!!

I just want to focus on being a better person and I SERIOUSLYYYYY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS WEIGHT!!

I have to have a better body so I can feel happier and more positive, maybe it’ll help my mindset !

Oooooofff that is all!

Yours truly, from a different time zone..

-fat mars thoughts

8/5/19

2:34 am

[petitewishes]

Lost.

I honestly learned this year not to trust anyone. I’m just going to let what he did go. Convincing myself that I don’t care anymore. That it doesn’t matter that he left me. It doesn’t matter that he chose the girl who would talk shit about me. Clearly, she was skinnier and prettier than me. So I understand. Why did I even think he would be a long term friend?

I’m just going to focus on my grades and losing weight these next fue weeks. I’m currently fasting, 8 hours in, I really hope I don’t fuck it up. Some girl on here did 5 days of fasting and damn I want to do that.

I’m just pathetic and I could’ve been doing so much better in school and in life if I all I did was study and not eat.

Also, I’m trying to be a doctor. How ironic. I’m in my 2nd year of college. But I need 3 more. Yea. I fucked up bad.

Also I’m typing this in my political science class I don’t know where my professor is. Got to go browse through my feed some more I guess.

4/15/19

11:52 am

[petitewishes]

Just trying to get through life day by day I guess. Not really in touch with my best friend since she hasn’t been around after her breakup, whatever though. also, waiting on astia to text me back- can’t believe I sent an apology message to him like he clearly didn’t deserve that but I felt bad for the long message and attacking him for something that didn’t really have to do with him. I then properly told him how he hurt me and stuff. Then he said thanks for reaching out and stuff and that I need to give him time on his replies. Like alrighty.

My friend doesn’t even know about this that’s how much we haven’t been in touch.

Other than that I’ve been making more friends in the ugl because of moe baiz or something and he has a friend that’s supeeeeerrrr cute! And nice and outgoing like omg he’s totally my type I’m definitely not his though!

Maybe one day when I lose weight I will have a better chance? I’m also way too short for most guys lol.

But whatever I guess

Yea day by day

Living through loneliness

People only come around me when they’re lonely

And that’s the tea sis

3/10/19

[petitewishes]

I will always hate him now

I was friends with this guy lets call him S and we would text as friends but he was also friends with this other girl named L. I knew him longer but we had started texting the same time him and L did too. Anyways, hes a year older so he graduated and we still texted and this went on for 3 years. I thought i could trust S with everything. However, his friend L didnt like me we used to be aqquaintences but she wouldnt talk to me after i hungout with her ex. I didnt mean anything by it i thought it would be okay since shes the one who ended things with that guy. But anyways my freshmen year of college and i notice that L sends me anonymous hate messages and at first i dont know who it is but then i noticed that the hater often uses the same emojis she tweets with. So i tested it to be sure, i posted the anonymous message link on my snapchat story and put it on private so that only she could see it... which means that if i got a message it would be from her. Sure enough i was right, i tested it a few times and everytime i would receive messages about how bad I look or how I don’t study for tests properly. So I told S about this not so that he would confront her because I didn’t really care I just wanted him to know about it since I talked to him so much. He did confront her and she denied it but I literally proved it to myself. But anyways THE actual problem is that.. S is now dating L..yea the one I thought I could trust is dating the enemy. He wants to be on good terms with me and only talk to me sometimes because he doesn’t want to deal with my bullshit. WE TALKED FOR 3 YEARS. now he just expects me to be okay with him dating her and not really talking to me. Now I was wondering for myself if I should block them from all my social media. She follows everything my snapchat, my private instagram(finsta), instagram, fb anything u name it! But on top of that she had to make a new twitter account and didn’t let me follow it... how petty even though she follows me on all my private accounts. I guess this might sound stupid but I always told him how I didn’t like the idea of her and he would always tell me I didn’t have anything to worry about but now he’s dating her. It’s just annoying because I want him to be a good friend and actually talk to me still but he doesn’t want to. Also how can I ever continue to text someone I don’t trust. We go to the same university except for her she goes to a different one so imagine how I feel if he always made more time for her and whenever I would complain about how I feel he would just say we don’t talk in person and he talks to her in person... but it’s not my fault he always made plans with her and not me. I feel like my time was wasted and I lost my friend. Wether I have feelings for him or not I think I would still feel betrayed. But don’t ask me if I like him because I don’t know. Maybe the anger is just in my head. On top of that he doesn’t believe the messages were her.

I want to block them because I want to like forget about them and not think about them anymore. And even if him and I are on “ good terms “ I still don’t want to associate myself with them. Would it be appropriate of me to block?

[petitewishes]

#5

I found out in late October by him that they’re actually dating now. A and M. Like seriously. I now have no one to go to. People switch up on you fast and you won’t believe it until it actually happens to you.

He wants to be on good terms with me but he has hurt me so much. He doesn’t realize it and blames me for the toxicity.

11/14/18

6:22 am

[petitewishes]

#1

So far I’ve been fasting for 22 hours. I don’t even know what to eat to break it. It’ll turn into a binge and I’m afraid of that.

It’s 6:32 am because I fell asleep last night and I didn’t wake up until 4 am. I wasn’t even that tired but I have a headache.

I have chem in 2 hours and I don’t know what’s even going on and theirs a test on Wednesday.

Nothing special happened yesterday besides not eating all day ( for once ) and A following me back on insta after he blocked me over something stupid LOL.

I didn’t even get a chance to FaceTime my friend because I fell asleep ugh!!

6/26/18

6:38 am

[petitewishes]

#3

Lifes a lil bitch...

The only good thing is that I made out with and sucked my crush yesterday. He’s the hottest Lebanese guy I’ve ever seen. He didn’t return the favor because apparently he was in a rush but kissing him was nice like it wasn’t even passionate since he most definitely sees me as one thing. But I really don’t give af, he had a nice car and he tried to grab the a** I don’t have and he played and sucked with my boobs a little but I still think they were too small for him. I choked on him like 3 times tho :(

And anyways besides that

I did so badly with summer classes and I don’t have financial aid for the fall semester I’m feeling like giving up but I really cant. I felt like I didn’t have a reason for my goal of going to medical school but I figured out... I want to give my kids, or other kids what I didn’t have.

I just have to fucking continue sooo whatever life just sucks

And my guy friend A, keeps picking others over me and then calls me toxic for getting jealous and idk he just doesn’t even care about me. So I have to try to leave him.

And my best friends still in China so life is just weird and the fact that I might be going to community college instead is killing me. But it’s okayyy it might be fun

Inshallah everything will be okay.

8/3/18

5:39 p.m

[petitewishes]

#2

Life is trash. my dad lost his job right when we were abut to buy a new car, Fafsa didn’t give me enough money for next year, I’m nearly failing my summer classes right now even though I’m putting all my energy and time into them and haven’t done anything else productive with my summer like volunteering or redecorating my room like I used to.

So stressed so alone so hurt and I just want to sleep my life away.

7/10/18

Oh.. it’s my crush’s birthday rn happy birthday to the best looking guy I’ve ever seen.

Goodnight.

1:12 a.m