#feel like i shouldnt even bother saying what i was busy with bc it's probably oversharing/venting territory and i dont want questions :V

[risingsunresistance]

[stupid-o-clock]

i still feel shitty around my friends. i ranted about this to my best friend earlier but i want to put this here so i'll basically copy paste my feelings.

i'm gonna call my friends P & V bc typing "friend"/"other friend" etc gets confusing after a while.

i was playing huniepop bc it's a fun game when u have nothing to do, but my P saw it in my discord status and immediately dmed the gc "BRO [me] IS PLAYING HUNIEPOP" and we started arguing about it bc she thinks these type of games are weird, idc lol. if u don't like them, don't play them, why get into my business? we have the most opposite opinions on so much shit like why even bother trying to start this

she complained about genshin nsfw popping up on her tl a while ago and told me to stop liking it, no? dont interact, click "not interested", block, even unfollow me idc not like we interact much anyway. gosh

she was so much better to have as a friend before we got close, i started having this feeling recently like once i get to know someone well it becomes weird. like damn, you know my trauma and ik yours? weirdo.. bye-bye! my gf, two best friends + two also pretty close friends are the only exceptions. but that's maybe because i got to know them before i started feeling like this?

tbh with these two it always feels like they've got something against me for no reason, that "no reason" also being im a dude. with all the shit they say n do it's a really toxic women>men type thing LOL and i can never say anything bc they'd team up on me!!

i don't think i'm ever included in those messages but thats bc im trans. if i was a cis dude theyd bully me into the ground, but i dont wanna be treated diff bc im a TRANS guy, im just a guy. the trans doesnt matter. treat me the same youd treat a cis one. and if you cant then we shouldnt be friends!

now this is about V and her boyfriend, theyve got a thing like he unfriends/blocks anyone she doesnt like going on. n one night he wanted her to unf all the dudes shes friends with, including me. personally idgaf but P got really pissed about it.

P said smth like "what did we say about not controlling women in relationships?" and like.. what? V is essentially controlling her boyfriend, so why can't he do the same? P just brushed it off tho bc V is an angel! and she could never do anything bad! her bf don't know that lol?

just like how i'm deffo not a love interest for her, everyone she makes him unfriend probably also isn't! maybe she got bad vibes or whatever that's ok! but god

also P used the r-slur when going off at V's boyfriend and that just rubbed me the wrong way. she's definitely "allowed" to use/reclaim it but it feels like an awful word, AND she was using it to insult someone which makes it even worse.

i feel like i can never disagree with P either bc she'll pull a "shut up ur a man" card. like- she's done that. she's done it as a joke but she'd deffo do it in a serious manner too-

also, i got into a fight- like- not a fight but i genuinely said smth really LOL i feel bad about it but P was shit talking me to xiya and then pulled up in my dms like Hey [me] i care aout you! You fucked up but it's ok u ust have to learn how to communicate

Like what is this? u can't tell me u care about me after spewing this shit into my girlfriends dms.

"i dont go out of my way to hurt people. he needs help lol" like bitch ik i need help. i did say the "joke" with intent to hurt V but it was in the MOMENT. yk how fucking frustrating it is explaining anger issues to someone who doesn't get it whatsofuckingever?

P has a load of her own issues that i dont ge tbut i at least TRY to understand her. also, first screenshot i wanetd to explain myself so V could see where im coming from?? LOL explaining ursef =/= makinf urself the victim.

i always overexplain shit, like my mistakes and why i think i made them. im also bad at explaining so i go on and on to try and make it make sense. i was literally blaming myself for hurting V and syaing sorry over and over again, how the hell was i making myself a victim?

[tendouluvr]

aizawa calling you clingy - gn reader

- [attempt at] angst to fluff

- warnings: being called clingy, aizawa gets annoyed with reader and berates them, one use of the word ‘shit’

- wc: 1.9k

a/n: this wasnt......as sad as i wanted... i cant tell if im just not so good at writing angst or immune to it T_T

once again, not edited!

#! aizawa!!!! eee

#! hes a levelheaded man so arguments are rare

#! u both trust one another so theres no reason to have doubts in ur relationship

#! being his s/o, he tells u things thats not so easy to tell others over time, and you’re patient enough to let him take however much time he needs to let u in

#! however, years of keeping to himself most of the time doesnt just disappear even if you’re his s/o

#! so aizawa does have this tendency to close off and distance himself from u bc of his stress and insecurities

walking through the spacious halls of ua, you were headed towards your lovely boyfriend. aizawas been pretty busy lately with teaching his class, making sure no one is being left behind progress wise, doing his job as a pro-hero, and then spending his free time training with shinsou.

you knew showing up at school unexpectedly was something aizawa found irky, that’s why you made sure to tell him the night before that you would be coming during lunch time to bring him some yummy homemade food.

humming softly to yourself, you finally reached the door opening to class 1-A and walked in. the classroom was empty, but there at the front was no one other than mr. aizawa shouta. you quickly greeted him with a smile and he turned to look at you.

“what are you doing here?” he slowly asked with a look of confusion.

“i brought you some food! did you eat yet? i hope not, i made-,” you quickly stopped talking once you noticed the look he was giving you.

“why are you here? i already told you, you shouldnt be showing up without letting me know first. our relationship is quiet, if the students see they’ll get noisy and ask questions, i’ll get bombarded by my colleagues, and it’ll put you in danger if words get out. did anyone see you coming here? can you listen to me for once instead of continuing to always be near me? you’re so damn clingy and need to start thinking about the consequences your action will bring. i already ate, just go home before anything happens.”

your jaw dropped a little after hearing what he just said to you. did he not remember what you told him last night?

worst of all, you couldnt believe he just called you clingy. you just wanted to do something nice for him by making his favorite food hoping that it’ll relieve some of the stress thats been building up, but he just thought of you as clingy.

fine, if clingy is what you are then you’ll stop bothering him. you quickly whispered an apology, not sure if he could hear or not, and began making your way back home as fast as possible. the food you made for him was still tightly grasped in your hand.

due to the new dormitories, aizawa stays at ua majority of the time. he comes home to your shared apartment whenever he can to spend time with you. unfortunately, those time aren’t usually much because as soon as he’s free, he’s quick to do something else.

once you’ve made it home, you packed the food away and put it in the fridge. you felt your phone buzzing repeatedly, already guessing who it could possibly be, you took it out to see it was your boyfriend.

shou <3: im sorry

shou <3: honey, im so sorry. pls text me back when u can

shou <3: i know what i said hurted u, but i promise u i dont mean it. pls just call me or text me so we can talk about this

shou <3: i have to go back now. but i love u. so much.

staring at your screen, you contemplated texting him back.

letting out a sigh, you decided not to.

putting your phone to the side, you walked to the bedroom and changed out of your clothes into the comfy pjs you were wearing right before you left.

seeing that there was nothing for you to do other than wallow in your insecurities and let out a few tears, you got into bed and made yourself comfortable for an afternoon nap.

aizawa on the other hand was at school and distracted. his own words kept replaying over and over in his head and all he wants to do is smack himself a few times (after comforting u ofc).

his students could tell he was in a badder mood than usual so they collectively agreed to not worsen it (one particular student does not care. can u guess?). aizawa just wanted the day to pass so he can apologize to you directly and make it up with some cuddling.

despite being distracted with planning his apology and thinking about you, he was still teaching as he should and constantly telling his students to be quiet because he’s intimidating like that.

a few hours passed, the students are back in their dorms and some of the teachers are still in school finishing up some work. the hallways were empty and silent, and the weather outside was nice and calm - not too sunny with just the right amount of wind.

however, if you were to peek your head inside of class 1-A at the moment, the environment is an exact 180. aizawa is quickly trying to grade the remaining stack of papers he has on his desk so he can leave as soon as he can. there’s papers everywhere, he’s not so sure where the answer key went off to but to hell with the answer key. he just needs to go home.

his hair is messily tied up and his lips have probably been gnawed off by now. as soon as school ended, he got out his phone to see if you replied and sadly you didn’t. he doesn’t blame you though, considering all of the shit he said to you earlier. 

finally writing down the fat score in red pen onto the final paper, he gathers everything and put to the side of his desk and packed up his stuff. his stuff being his yellow sleeping bag and that’s it.

he went to his room first to clean himself up a bit, and then grabbed a taxi to go to your shared apartment. arriving at the front door, he takes out his copy of the key and entered.

first thing he noticed while entering and taking off his shoes was that the apartment was dark and quiet. he made his way to the kitchen first and turned on its lights to check the fridge. in the fridge laid the food you made for him earlier today. he took it out to start heating it up in the microwave then he walks away from the food and to your bedroom.

quietly opening the door, he poked his head in to see you laying on your side with your back facing the door. he assumed you were asleep and gently closed the door to not wake you up. he made his way over to the bed and sat on the edge of it. 

you, feeling the bed dip, slowly opened your eyes to be greeted with the sight of your boyfriend gingerly brushing his fingertips across your cheekbones. he notices that you’re awake and looks up to meet your eyes.

making eye contact with him, you quietly grunted and brought the blanket up to cover your face while turning your entire body to the other side to ignore him. aizawa sighed and brought his hand down to rest on your waist as he begins talking.

“yn... i know you’re.. mad at me for the things i said to you earlier, but i’m truly sorry. i know saying i didn’t mean it isn’t good enough for you to forgive me, but i want you to know i’m really really sorry. i’ve been so busy for the past few days, my head is all over the place, seeing you at school just got me overthinking and worried that i ended up saying things about you that’s not true at all. i love you so much, hun. you’re the best thing to happen to me. you don’t have to forgive me now, i understand if you want some space.”

it was silent for some time after he finished his apology. the echoing silence was slowly making aizawa worried that you’ll leave him, but he won’t tell you that. thinking that you wanted space, he lifted his shaky hand off of your waist and moved to get off of the bed when you suddenly grabbed onto his hand to keep him there.

“i...i told you the day before that i was going to be visiting you during lunch time. did you not remember? or even hear me tell you?”

aizawa situated himself back down onto the bed before replying. “if i’m being honest, i don’t really remember much of that day at all. my brain was occupied with work and rest, so i was practically drained by the end of the night. i’m sorry i took it out on you, it’s my fault for overworking when i know you’ve been trying to help.”

letting out a soft sigh, you turned your body back towards him. still holding onto his hand, you carefully slotted your fingers in between his and pulled him down to lay with you. he immediately found comfort in this and placed his head into your neck. you could feel his facial hair against your skin making you let out a quiet giggle.

“i love you. i know you have a habit to overwork since that’s all you did before we dated, but please shou, take care of yourself. im not talking physically, cuz you’re already so damn fine, but mentally. i hate seeing you bury yourself in work and training that it even makes me tired just watching you.”

he grumbled something against your neck - his usual reaction to you complimenting him - and held onto you tighter while putting light kisses on your collarbone.

“i know. i will. please bear with me, i know i’m a pain but i’ll always try to be my best for you. i’m never letting you go, love you too much for that.”

“hmm? who said i’m going? you’re stuck with me forever just so you know,” you laughed and patted his head before rising from the bed.

“i heard you heating up the food earlier. get up and come eat,” you tugged aizawa to get him off the bed.

he grumbled once again because he was being forced to leave the warm comfort of your shared bed, but followed you out anyway holding onto your hand.

“wait. you heard me entering? so you were pretending to sleep when i got here?! not funny, babe. not funny. -also don’t take sleep for granted. i did and look where that got me. stop laughing!”

bonus:

it was the next day and aizawa just finished passing out the grades he rushed grading yesterday. even though it was rushed, he was confident that there wasn’t any mistakes-

“aizawa sensei, you marked this question wrong when it’s right. this one too. and this other one on the last page. are you trying to fail me?!” denki dramatically wailed as he showed aizawa his papers.

guess he did make mistakes after all.

[ashflynns]

☄〔 HUNTER SCHAFER, TWENTY ONE, TRANS FEMALE, DREAM TRAVEL 〕╰ ASHLEY FLYNN just came over half - blood hill . you know , the child of HYPNOS who was claimed two months ago ? i’ve heard chiron say that she is PLAYFUL & EMPATHETIC , but if you ask the aphrodite kids , they’d say she’s LAZY & TACTLESS . i’d say they remind me of sleepy smiles and under-eye bags, messy buns and an unmade bed, running from your problems with bare feet & trying to hard to keep your friends but losing them anyway, especially since she’s FOR THE NEW CABINS . ( ✎ joey , 24 , she/her , bst . )

*insert nice graphic here aka for the love of god someone find me a photoshop link*

hi! its your resident sea witch joey here ready to bombard you with an encyclopedic knowledge of the greek pantheon and uk criminal law?? i guess??? if u dont already know, i’m the one with six (6) cats. i combined my task and intro because im LAZY and bad at intros so i’ll use paige’s stats as a crutch whoops. ash is the lazy laid-back stoner friend everyone needs. she has no trauma because she DOESN’t DESERVE IT so maybe the real trauma will be the friends we make along the way.

𝕓𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤 .

name :  ashley finn

nicknames : ash, whatever cute names u wanna give her

birth date :  4th february (aquarius squad speak up!)

gender :  trans female

pronouns :  she/her

ethnicity : white

nationality : irish american

hometown : ?? idk american towns SUE ME but she’s from SOMEWHERE in oregon

demigod abilities : sleep manipulation, dream manipulation, dream travel

cabin number & godly parent :  cabin fifteen, hypnos

how did their godly parent meet their mortal parent? :  hlhglkhg so i thought it’d be funny if they met when ash’s mum participated in a sleep research study. i think i’m hilarious.

𝕞𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖 .

faceclaim : hunter schafer

height :  5′11″

hair colour : blonde

eye colour : blue/green.

dominant hand : leftie!

distinguishing features : her hair’s actually super curly she just straightens it a lot bc curly bedhead is a bitch to brush through in the mornings.

dress style : ugh this is gonna be hard to explain but like. you know those alt hippy stoner girls?? like that. likes baggy clothes and neutral colours. a lot of quote unquote ugly clothes with clashing prints. band t-shirts and whatnot.

𝕔𝕒𝕞𝕡-𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 .

go - to  weapon : HAH implying she willingly participates in capture the flag. she’d go for a xiphos because it’s the most basic dfkjg

ambrosia :  garlic bread. yeah she’s that kind of bitch

favourite camp location :  zephyros creek!

their opinion of their godly parent :  really unbothered tbqh. but she’s a very laid-back person to begin with. a ton of her school friends had absent dads. if she hadn’t come to chb so early then maybe the whole ‘i have powers with no explanation’ would’ve caused some resentment but hey, he’s a god. he’s a busy man. and being raised by a single mum made up most of who ash is, so it’s not like she’d change anything.

age they were claimed :  this year baby!

how they were claimed :  look dad’s timing was off but as far as he was concerned he claimed ash when percy made the deal. ash kinda always knew it was gonna be him so it was no surprise.

stance on the new cabins : for  the  new  cabins.

their opinion on lyssa pentelute :   as far as ash is concerned, lyssa’s whole shtick is just an excuse to shit on the kids who don’t have to suffer the same way she did. so, uh, she’s kind of a bitch? i have this in a bit more detail down below.

quests :  i’m gonna tentatively put no for now (unless anyone else on quests decides they’d like to have dragged ash along!)

𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪 .

positive traits : playful, empathetic, laid-back, friendly but not a pushover, patient

negative traits :  lazy, tactless, aloof,  spacey, struggles to express said empathy, lack of focus

mbti :  Iinfp-t, the mediator

alignment : neutral good

hogwarts house :  hufflepuff

kinsey scale : JUST ASK IF SHES A LESBIAN OKAY?? THE ANSWER IS YES.

archetype :  somehow she matched equally with the innocent child and the wise old man *insert so what is the truth meme*

what candle scent are they :  vanilla

goals & desires :  well this one was tricky bc ash is a simple girl with simple needs and really just doesn’t want anything to change. she wants a life without the pressures of work and commitment, but that’s just not gonna happen, is it? her short-term goals are to practice fighting that urge to stay in bed all day and try to be a bit more productive. it’s not going well.

fears : explained more below but basically she has a fear of destroying all her relationships due to a lack of connect with the world

hobbies : when she’s not napping? probably gaming, going on nature walks, baking treats.

habits :  biting nails is the worst one. spacing out. you know that thing where you just?? stop focusing your eyes?? but you’re still tuned in to the conversation? that.

𝕙𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 .

so hear’s the short version kfjglkdfgjd ( for NOW ):

ashley’s mum, niamh, is third-gen irish immigrant. ash didn’t have a luxurious life or anything. they mostly lived off benefits or whatever niamh could pick up from her extremely lucrative dog-walking business. how she met hypnos was a literal joke. they met when she participated in a fucking sleep study and i guess they hit it off. typical story of dad fucks off/single parent yadda yadda. there’s no real ~~trauma~~ to ash. yeah, transphobia sucks and high school really sucked all but her mum’s been super supportive since she first came out and no one at chb has given her shit yet. niamh’s still around and ash goes back home every couple of months to visit her. they have a pretty good relationship. it’s all cool.

i feel cliche saying she was a ‘dreamy’ girl but dreamy or spacey really is the best word for it. mixed with your typical demigod adhd you get a kid who really struggled with school. well, it’s not like she struggled - ashley’s a smart gal - but the teacher’s struggled with her. i guess it was hard for them to understand that ash actually does her best thinking when she’s asleep.

struggles to keep friends - maintains a persona of aloofness and apathy but actually cares way too much. the narcolepsy hinders her ability to form proper connections ( although she’ll argue the sCiEnTiFiCaLlY pRoVeN fAcT that napping with someone for half an hour does more to build trust than anything else ). and no one’s really that fond of ash popping into their dreams. maybe they shouldnt have so much to hide, huh?

her biggest ‘’’ inner struggle ’’’ shall we say is the pressure to be productive. let’s face it, she IS a lazy bitch, and that’s pretty much an inherited nature. getting a job sounds like hell, she sucks at combat training, she really could NOT be bothered with camp politics and god wars and whatever else. why can’t she just sleep and dream walk all day? monster’s are out there man, she’s gonna die some point soon anyway. but that doesn’t mean  she doesn’t feel guilty about it all. it’s kinda hard not to.

so, moving on to the ISSUE AT HAND. so when you walk through dreams and you sleep for 20 hours of the day, it’s not hard to figure out who your dad is, even if he never turns up. like, seriously, who else would it be? so yeah, sure. she was only claimed a couple of months ago. but she wasn’t completely in the dark like some of her other campers, and she respects that, truly. she got the luckier end of the stick and its not hard to understand the resentment among the minor demigods and the unclaimed.

HOWEVER, she’s very much FOR the new cabins. as explained above, lyssa’s a bitch whose taking her mummy issues out on others. ash loves bunking with the hermes kids but she’d like a space of her own and at the end of the day who the fuck is lyssa to make that decision?

𝕖𝕩𝕥𝕣𝕒 .

pinterest! (its a wip there’s not much IM SORRY)

spotify (now this is the one thing i will never let u down on)

wanted connections coming soon!

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[xxx-mundiemudsnapper-xxx]

think im gonna be slowly losing my mind over the coming weeks and venting in my personal channels in discord isnt helping like it used to so im sorry but i gotta bitch here

ive been having burnout really bad lately. i dont want to play anything in my steam library which sucks because i just. i want to play scream fortress but i dont really have the mental energy anymore for actually playing tf2. i dont feel like opening any roblox games i like. i dont feel like reinstalling DE or PD2 on my other hard drive to play those.

theres nothing i want to watch on youtube. all the music ive been listening to is getting worn out. literally i dont know what to do or talk about to entertain myself. and now on top of that i cant go anywhere or do anything for eight weeks because my mom broke her hand. eight. fucking. weeks. where im now stuck in this fucking house for 24/7 and i have to constantly be at her beck and call more often than i already have to be.

i cant go out to practice driving with my dad. i JUST got my permit back like 2 weeks ago (original one was expired.) at least one of us has to be here all the time. and its going to be me. every. single. time.

im going to have to have the burden of EVERY FUCKING HOUSEHOLD thing now. im probably not gonna get helped by my dad bc hes literally constantly at work (not his fault, ik hes busy but it just blows im not gonna get help when i really need it.)

compounding w/this is that i moderate a relatively good sized discord and a handful of newer members are really annoying me (nobody following me if ur in there ofc but like Yeah) and im very glad we were able to get 2 more mods but i had to deal with something serious and it really strained me even though i was like. barely that involved with it.

plus we keep having random incidental shit happen when im the only moderator online. im incredibly incredibly grateful for the two newer mods who have been able to handle some more recent things while ive been desperately trying to have any semblance of an actual life but like. im not fucking joking when i say i shouldnt have to explain why school shootings and child soldiers arent funny or acceptable for an original character. god people like this piss me off so much esp when theyre like “sorry i cant tell whats inapprorpiate an whats not :(((((((((” when its pretty clear we dont allow stuff along those lines in our rules like. come on. dont joke about that shit. dont post borderline fetishy shit in a server with like 14 year olds in it.

oh and forget all that, i cant fucking enjoy time i have off after doing relatively large amounts of homework because: - everything opens sunday, is due next sunday - class discussion boards never have posts until like saturday/sunday night so im stuck with that hovering over my head all weekend bc nobody else fucking bothers to do the assignments until the last minute - one teacher posts her stuff and like makes 3 announcements about it on FRIDAY AFTERNOONS for whatever reason 

with that like i said i literally feel like i cant catch a break from schoolwork because im being harassed by it when i should be able to sit back and relax and not have to worry about it

im trying really hard not to just sit here and break down and cry but im really fucking sick of all of this. im not going to be able to get supplies or anything to make anything until mid december. i have almost no stuffing and the only kind i can reliably get online comes in really small bags.

all i want to do is go to like. joannes. target. maybe the mall or something. im going fucking insane in this house sitting here spiralling into depression really badly and any hope i had to stave that shit off just got thrown in the trash like my moms pajama pants she tripped on.

im fucking tired of it. im fucking tired of being under constant mounting pressure for no fucking reason. i already have my own diabetes bullshit to deal with, i DONT need more fucking stress on top of it but apparently im gods fucking laughing stock or whatever because each day feels like it just gets worse

[kendrixtermina]

Every time I think I have a handle on this infefior Fe thing or even start to consider wether I might actually be a feeler or something, a THING happens

"Sometimes I feel like you wouldn't care if I died in a ditch somewhere?" Seriously? Does he have eyes and ears in his head? This just comes out of fucking nowhere like WTF

I mean I know that relationships are supposed to be work and that there are no perfect people, but I thought Id finally found a person who actually likes me being me and gets deep stuff and now he's giving me all this vague shallow bullshit about doing my hair nice (but NOT in ways he doesnt like. Im already disentangling long hair I would otherwise never bother with every morning because of him) i lost like 15 kilos just like he wanted.

Would always listen to his - and I dont even want to be citing this like its some chore I do, i listen to him because hes an interesting person- I just thought he thought the same of me but now im wondering if he realizes im a person at all. All this whole tirade because I did not feel like fucking after an ardous journey. Like I like it aa much as he does I go along almost every time but im a *person* who is tired or busy sometimes

Yet here hes going on about how there ought to be some ill-defined "excitement" when talking to the opposite gender that he somehow says isnt there like I dont even know, or have a sense for what hes talking about

- and that compliment sandwich about "oh sure in some ways yore smarter than me" even though hes the one whose career is taking off and shit and ge tscked on "get a job"

"It shouldnt be an effort, it should just cone from you automatically" and accusing me of montrous coldheartedness just bc im busy sometimes you know just like he is

I thought he thought I was "nice" and that he admired me, I thought he liked that I didnt pry in his business and didnt mind if he spent a long time working and then sone shit about " its not like I want to go back to those vchicks who would nag me" like its a choice between cancer and aids.

Like hiw can someone who seems like such a deep person care about such shallow crap of all sudden.

Cant I just have a hunan connection without any of that shallow performative gender roles bullshit tacked on???

I really dont want to go all aggro tumblr chick on this but its making me understand the temptation

Like this has zero to do with whats going on inwardly like I know I'm not the worlds most sociable person and i might as well be blind and deaf as far as this whole social cues bullshit goes but why do people always have to conflate that with a person's feelings or lack thereof?

And that shit about how "ozs weird to stand next to you when you suddenly talk about murder".. with my own sister, who gets my humor?!

One part of me wants to freak out and do penance in a hermitage, another wants to storm out in an insulted huff but what I'm actually gonna do is probably none of those things.

I meam we kind of talked it over and communicated things im partially just venting this shit here do its out of my system and done with I realize I cant ask to br told the whole truth and then turn around a throw a tantrum

I just dont want to live with someone who thinks im sn antisocial freak, you know, just like them shoolyard bullies. Who might be the reason why I may ir may not be unreasonably touchy about this

I understand that O cant alwaxd have my will and comprpmises are part of relationships but I dont want to perform any sort extensive exhaustivr fakery in my own home, you can either have an attractive mask or a real human connection like otherwuse itd not worth it

Maybe my expectations were unrealistic like of course humans arr products of their societies theres not really any point in getting hing up on "he said this" or "she said that"

Im just such an idiotic sucker for anyone telling me im special or that theire "chosing" me ever since bloody gradeschool, I tell myself to be realistic anf not to expect the huge abd romantic but I still want to believe that its *somewhere* out there.

Im not going to make any decisions right now or do anything rash but Im also experiencing a certain degree of "UH I haze everything why is nothing ever good why doesnt life ever make sense"

I mean if hes not happy with this and we cant even get that bare minimun of communication across what is even remotely the POINT

Thats ehy I was reluctant to move in together because now it would be a huge hassle to exist snd im just going to calm down and do nothing and well just stay there being mildly but not critically miserable out of sheer inertia or at least that was the silly nightmare thst I kept telling myself was just anxious bullshit jitters that made no sense

It really makes me want to never talk to humans ever again and at the same time I just feel stupid because I realize how childish and overdramatic that seems

Its not possible not helpful so I wont actually do it but like all of this just drains my already limited energy that I could be using for useful thongs or at least to enjoy my holiday

Like I would like to claim that Im a poetic soul behind my shitty social skills but what do I even base that on? And it frightens me when people aufdenlx bring out those vsgue formless things I have no control over and treat it as if it were indicative of ME.

Thats why I always preferred to express myself in writing over the intertubes. Its not like people never misunderstanf or dislike me for that but at least its for flaws or positions that are part of my actual personality

I think im beyond all this and older and wiser and more differentiated and understand everything better but in the end im still sick of being seen as a freak and having to play all these pointless social games

[bootycap]

Are you going to do a longer post on the choices you didn't like? I actually really liked it (other than the predictability) so I'm really curious as to what choices you didn't like!

i hadn’t planned on it, tbh! i mostly just try to move on to the next thing when i don’t like something. 

buuuut... i just finished watching alien for the umpteenth time and im feeling some things so here’s a relatively quick rundown on my issues

firstly: if you liked it, that’s great! im not going to try to convince you otherwise or say anything demeaning about that, because we all come at things with different objectives and backgrounds that are going to ultimately affect how we consume/interpret things. so this is just me talking about the things i personally didn’t like

SO!

1. shaw. just. everything about how they handled her. yes i realize noomi was busy or whatever but just. fuck everything about that. (the movie franchise that basically mainstreamed having a badass female lead that wasn’t some stereotype just kills off their next badass lady offscreen with practically no explanation??? it just leave a sour taste in my mouth, and i’ll be honest it probably colors the rest of my opinion of the movies pretty heavily)

2. lmao i didnt realize everyone was married until way late in the game?? and then i remembered the trailer i saw made a HUGE deal out of them all being married and the plot point basically amounted to nothing... unless you count giving the characters a reason to behave dumb enough to move the plot along

3. on that same point--i had no idea who was married to who. they literally give you almost nothing to go on in regards to interpersonal relationships other than being spoon fed lines by the new captain about how no one trusts/likes him, (and that’s never really touched on again besides someone lodging an official complaint)

like we are given virtually no reason to root for any of these characters because we don’t even know them.

4. my friend summed up the movie as basically "hey what if the alien killed people again"

and that wouldnt even be a problem for me? like i wouldn’t mind them rehashing familiar territory with the 'hey what if the alien killed people again' but they forgot to add the bit that shows us why we should care about any of these people

(i guess there were some promo clips that go into this more?? but you shouldnt have to watch promos in order to know what’s going on in the movie)

5. dr. manhattan being a man of faith and then it’s literally never brought up again until he’s all ‘i saw the devil when i was a child’ which is another just ?????? moment

i thought they were gonna go into prometheus mythology/religion/faith territory when he mentions that but then it just... doesn’t get touched on

6. the stupidity of the crew. just. i don’t have a problem with them going down to the planet. it makes sense to me, especially when dr. manhattan was like ‘im not committed to this,’ that makes sense! go down to the planet and poke around and if things go bad, then all they’ve lost is a few weeks bc who would’ve expected murderous aliens.

but just bc you dont expect murderous aliens, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear a helmet on an alien planet with vegetation and possible lifeforms/bacteria/etc you have no idea about??? come on, my dudes.

why didn’t they wait until the storm cleared a bit before landing? give it a day or two and do some more scans? why follow the robot you know is crazy and follow his instructions step by step? why wander off to ‘clean up’ far enough away that no one can even hear you SCREAM after you just saw a bunch of your coworkers killed? and let’s risk 2000 people’s lives to save the 3 people left on the planet!

(to be fair the whole ‘why is everyone so stupid’ complaint is one i have about a LOT of scifi/horror movies, so i’m not too bothered by it, but it’s just an added ‘ugh’ factor).

7. and the ending pisses me off like crazy. i know this one is personal preference but i am just sick of all these downer endings, not to mention the ones you can predict 40 minutes into the movie once ~someone~ starts cutting his hair.

8. but most of all just fuck everything about the shaw storyline.

i did like a few things. i liked the new alien designs (the final one was just incredible). fassbender is amazing as both david and walter. danny mcbride is always lovable. daniels is A+++.  the movie itself is visually pretty stunning, too.

but ultimately either way i look at it--a follow up to prometheus or a prequel to alien--it failed to do anything i wanted it to do and failed to answer any of the questions i had, save one (shaw). and that ONE answer is the thing that ticks me off most of all.

[grandzealot]

SHIPPING INFO // Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog. REPOST. Don’t reblog.

WHAT’S YOUR OTP FOR YOUR MUSE?: #atticus and richter ( but pls dont assume my answers here are the same as starlings muns would be! )

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RP WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING?:  anything romantic with him ive already started im willing to continue & im open to new casual ships with his fallout incarnation. im probably not gonna be able to write him loving anyone as deeply as he loves atticus at this point so its better to have other focuses than deep romance if you wanna have a new pairing with him ( flings / crushes / poor matches etc ) im not rly into writing nsfw if im not comfortable with the mun ( but, superficially, i aesthetically enjoy drawing things i wouldnt be into writing - but obviously u gotta be 18+ for that and it goes on the 18+ blog )  

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?: goshhhh im picky about this. i usually do that ‘half his age plus 7′ thing but im more uncomfortable with him involved with younger women as opposed to younger men ( its mostly me not liking how ppl idealize older men and esp to the point of devaluing older women ) also its sorta like if they dont have a lot going for them to begin with a big age gap will count against any interest for me in the pairing but if they have other stuff going for them i might not be so bothered about age stuff. (also if for instance ive rped countless verses with someone i dont mind switching things up quite a bit bc i know we are really about the characters rather than it being to do with the things that make me uncomfortable )

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?:  yessssssssssss i need chemistry between both mun and muses. and im just old and tired so if ive already got a lot of great ships going i just dont have as much deep interest in new stuff

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY’RE CONSIDERED NS.FW?:

 lol if theres lust in the atmosphere i move things over to the nsfw blog. and even then its fade to black time on tumblr before genitals are being touched... i have continued nsfw things in discord in private but i have to be sUPER comfortable with a mun for that to happen

WHO ARE OTHER MUSES YOU SHIP YOUR MUSE WITH?:  marcie and xavier and gwyn and theres like twenty other lighter things lol

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?: i kinda feel if someone knows they want to ship with me before our characters have interacted enough for it to feel like theres something naturally going on between the muses ( or just their storylines ) then were probably not on the same page as muns and its unlikely well ever really harmonize shipwise anyway? you can say right off if your character is attracted to mine and ill probably let you know what richter thinks in return. and you can always ask about the nsfw blog if you are over age 18 and wait another century for me to do a meme there again one day and we could do casual stuff maybe lol 

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP?:  when i really ship something i cant stop talking about it but in general i think im less into shipping than most ppl bc when ppl do lots of shipping calls and things like that those things never appeal to me & sometimes make me uneasy about approaching others since we dont seem to be here for the same stuff lol... but sometimes i get in the mood to draw characters interacting and sensuality makes it more interesting so i get in the mood to do memes on the nsfw blog. that hasnt happened in awhile bc ive been busy tho lol

ARE YOU MULTISHIP?: yes but chill and selective and its really just in his fallout verse. most his other verses are smaller and theyre closed verses with starling ( if like the dishonored one gets bigger it might become multiship except hes an even more difficult character to click with there so im thinking of just leaving it single ship as far as richters concerned regardless of how much the verse ends up being used [ this is definitely one of those things where u shouldnt assume what im doing with richter reflects what will be done with starling bc now dishonored is starlings main while its still a side one for richter ( even if its all i think about lately ) ] ) 

ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS?: im obsessed with atti x richter but chill about shipping in general orz

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?:  attirichter. tbh i always liked reading general fics and stuff rather than ship things. it wasnt until i got into rp that i started ever shipping things and ive still usually got to be rping something to care enough to ship it ( or it has to be something straight up canon ) thats why i think i still overall am not as into shipping as most ppl on my dash seem to be. my mind isnt really on those things unless theres a huge history and foundation and personal investment brought in lollll

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?:  if our characters naturally have a spark between them and naturally want to interact then let it develop... alternatively just talk superficial aesthetics and i might relate more. u could tell me if youd like me to send in a shippy meme thing and ill let you know if theres a reason it wouldnt work - but like if you wish id send that stuff in and our characters have never really interacted thats a big sign im probably not going to be into it? 

tagged by: stealing it from @hvmanmachine​ * tagging: u if u wantttt i stole it bc it looked like a good meme!!

[bartsugsy]

Hi! I'm out and unable to watch the preview so if it's no bother what's it like? I trust that you're always sensible and don't freak out too much :P thanks!

Hey nonnie!!!

I got u babe

Bex and Rob are chilling at Home Farm, drinking and talking about business - Rob has apparently just used his Ultra Charming Powers of Charm™ to flirt his way into or out of something and he’s feeling all chuffed with himself. Because Robert Sugden doesn’t understand modesty when it comes to 1) his business prowess and 2) his ability to charm people. It’s great.

Bex tells him to wipe his smug smile off his smug face (but in a much friendlier manner) and they have some banter because they’re friends and it’s all just v platonic and sweet and my soul ascends because it’s 2017 Robert finally has a friend and it only took 3 years #blessed

Rob picks up his phone and notices that he has a missed call from his husband-to-be. He literally immediately drops everything and says he should go. Then he starts acting sort of shifty and mentions to Bex that she probably… shouldn’t mention that they’ve still been doing business.

Bex, like any normal person, immediately asks what’s up, because she just assumed that Aaron was completely in the loop and informed of the fact that Rob is still giving Bex a hand (and making money for himself and Aaron in the process)

Rob, knowing that Aaron would react… not all that great… to Robert hanging out with his one lone friend, has obviously decided to just… conveniently… we’ll, you know, lie to Aaron about it. All he says to Bex is that it’s better if Aaron doesn’t know - but he’s all shifty and weird and guilty about it and he just… he’s clearly not feeling all that great about this lie

(AND ROB, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY THEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULDNT BE DOING IT)

(EVEN IF YOU KNOW THAT AARON HAS NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS)

(THEYRE SO BAD AT COMMUNICATING SOMEBODY HELP THEM)

(i’ll stop)

… uh anyway, Rob says that it’s better that Aaron doesn’t know that he and Bex are still business buddies and in the soapiest of soap timings, this is when Aaron turns up with a face like thunder.

Aaron stares at Rob and then basically tells him in his Angry Voice - as well as Bex - that all Rob does is lie lie lie. He literally walked into HF hot and he’s ready to kick off. He probably spent the whole drive up listening to angry music and getting himself pumped. This can only end in tears (or rather, Aaron getting drunk on whiskey bc pain and punching Kasim in his pretty face)

Rob’s face does that little thing where everything drops in shock and/or panic (you know the one) because oooop #busted

And then it cuts to black because they’re not gonna spoil the blow up just yet but… I mean look, there’s gonna be some yelling. They’re gonna do some yelling. It’s gonna be angsty af and we’re probably gonna cry but also it’s gonna be great because hey at least they’re probably going to yell their honest feelings at one another which they haven’t done in a while lbr

Anyway, rating: 7/10 would definitely recommend a viewing unless you’re not a fan of drama and angst in which case it’s ok next week I will be available for hugs and somewhat subpar comfort because you just know it’s gonna be a damn rollercoaster but honestly it’s gonna be great they’re gonna argue and then they’re gonna have a crisis talk to try and save their relationship and then THE POPO ARE GONNA WRECK SOME SHIT and everyone is gonna be sad im so ready

[nomtxas]

answer them all I'm bored

gotcha fam

1:Do you have a crush at the moment? – besides me being in love w k*rl a*zner, grubbie, and burky i dont think i have a crush on anyone (well i guess not what u would call a “crush” i think)

2: Have you ever been deeply in love? – no

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in? – almost a month like i think my ex broke up w me a day before our one month (it was back in july so i dont really remember)

4: Have you ever changed for someone? – uhm yeah (god i was such an idiot)

5: How is your relationship with your ex? – non existent like i dont think she likes me very much considering we havent spoken at all since we broke up

6: Have you ever been cheated on? – not that im aware of no

7: Have you ever cheated? – no i would never

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating? – no bc once a cheater always a cheater

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship? – communication like i think people should be honest and open about what they want and what they expect out of the relationship like pls dont tell me ur ok w distance when ur really not, u feel?

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? – serious relationships pls i like the thought of being committed to someone

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? – i dont have experience w that so i dont know how i feel abt breaks

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with? – none i dont do sex

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? – getting back together w her after we broke up the first time

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? – when they’re emotionally mature the consequences of sex and what it involves so maybe 20 and up

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”? – sometimes 

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”? – yep

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? – yep ive done it twice (but twice it didnt work out both times so)

18: What do you consider a deal breaker? – dishonesty and not being loyal

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? – i dont know actually which is why i guess i was the one getting dumped

20: Are you currently in a relationship? – no but i want to be

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? – yes absolutely didnt work out that way for me but just bc it didnt for me doesnt mean it wont for others

22: Do you think people should date their friends? – i have mixed feelings on this bc i believe u should be friends w someone to get to know them first before entering a relationship w them so u guys will know what u want and how u are but on the other hand i feel that they shouldnt bc u dont want to ruin a good friendship w messy feelings i guess it’s up to that particular individual 

23: How many relationships have you had? – one

24: Do you think love can last forever? – absolutely look at my grandparents theyve been married for almost 45 years and been together for longer than that so

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? – eh i dont know

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? – probably bc even though it gets hard sometimes my moms opinion matters a lot to me

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? – DONT GET BACK TOGETHER W HER YA DINGUS IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK OUT AND YOURE JUST GOING TO MAKE URSELF CRY AGAIN

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? – i think so if the parties involved put in the same amount of effort and it’s not all just one sided 👀👀👀   

29: What do you notice first about another person? – their eyebrows? is that weird

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? – polyromantic but i call myself gay all the time bc im attracted to femme presenting people such as myself

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? – no absolutely not i feel like i would be supportive and try to hold their hand while they take care of themselves

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? – nope

33: Do you want to get married one day? – yes!

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed? – bad karma but if people want to than thats their business

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? – yep i dont do sex bc im ace (grey ace but still)

36: Are you still a virgin? – yep

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? – both i think

38: Do you enjoy love films? – yes im a sucker for romantic movies

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? – no :(((

40: Have you ever had a valentine? – no 

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”? – a baseball/hockey game and dinner after

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”? – high school english was a dark time

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? – both 

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”? – yep but too bad i dont have anyone to be romantic w :(((((

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? – 👀👀👀   

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”? – yep but it’s ok

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite? – the holtbys ok theyre the power couple of the n hl

48: What’s your favorite love song? – life is better with you by michael franti & spearhead it’s so cute 

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? – i dont think so i did get this one anon that said i dont care abt people when they do have a crush on me so idk

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are? – bc im ugly and boring

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy? – hows the poor guy gonna take me to sports games? nah im kid but i feel like the second one bc i dont want to date someone whos mean bc i will cry

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? – nope not at all

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single? – yep definitely bc i want to have that too

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)? – not really

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”? – clingy and jealous (im trying to work on it tho)

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship? – possibly

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? – no

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship? – ….sub

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary? – never but then again ive only been in one relationship my whole life

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships? – i personally dont think i could do it but if u do then more power to u

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family? – both

62: How do you define “cheating”? – when u start looking at other people the way u see ur partner and not being honest w them abt it communication is key

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? – nah

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated? – a little yeah but thats bc ive never been an active participant in it lmao

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”? – def only in the winter tho bc texas summers are hell like literally

[jess-oh]

Reflection

im in a weird mood.

i had type this morning and class went well and i was on time and did all my work and worked on it pretty hard last night and i stayed up with andrew but since i was so busy working and he wasnt studying, it just felt more awkward than anything and he just decided to sleep before i was finished and i felt kinda bad but it wasnt a big deal. but i got 3 tights from old navy after work and ti was great and i had some miscommunication with shar but then we still got to talk and hangout and it was really nice! we talked about the club and my ideas and how we’ve been doing in our spiritual and personal lives and i was literally so unashamed to talk about the Holy Spirit and Jesus and to just be so open about it and i really did not care at all and it was great and we laughed so hard and so much and at times i was forcing myself to play along for the sake of keeping the conversation moving but overall, it was pretty great and i did feel good about myself. but i just. im back in this place where i had a lot planned today and i feel like i didnt do much of it and i feel bad about it. i was supposed to read so much of the Bible today but i didnt, i watched shows instead. i was so engaged w/ the episodes that i didnt immediately respond to andrew&sofia and i felt bad as a result. i feel like i have a responsibility to them as a friend to care and to drop my shows as soon as i have something more to do and have the opportunity to help which is great in theory but i am also watching shows to rest and relax and i did do a long today. I was at school from 8am to 7pm. that’s 11 hours. and right after i went to old navy and tried on 6 different tights and bought them with a credit card and shared life with sharlene and was social and outspoken and unashamed and it was great and i did do a lot and i should feel proud of that but i dont because i didnt accomplish what i set out to do and instead im just here and i feel like a failure and i know that i should be proud of myself and the fact that i did anything at all bc i know how i can get when im feeling down. i will literally not leave my bed at all. i wont leave my apartment or even my room. i’ll just rot away and drown out the noise with media. and that high, happy feeling was suddenly taken away so fast when my mom told us that she was at the hospital and would probably spend the night there. her dad has been there since yesterday and spent the night bc he had to have an emergency procedure done. hes dying. and i cant escape or deny that. hes dying and im afraid that i wont be there for it again. it continuously breaks my heart that so many people in my life have been leaving this Earth and sigh. it just makes me feel very alone and like i left or abandoned them. i dont want to be there for them for the sake of being there or to feel like i belong but because i just. i feel so bad. i feel like they’re going to think i didnt care about them in the end bc i couldnt care enough to fly over to be there for them during their final moments. i was so selfish that i chose myself over them. i do want to stay here over the summer and i know that i cant stay trapped in cali just bc im afraid someone else is going to pass. God placed me here for a reason and i want to make the most of that. i want to stay here and work on my portfolio and get a paid internship and it’ll be great but im so afraid that im just being selfish in doing this. i guess it’s really all on God to decide if he doesnt want me to get an internship or a job out here and as a result, i go home. i just dont want my family to be paying so much money for rent in an apartment that im not even residing in. and if they’re willing, then thats great. ideally, i’ll find someone to sublease the apartment to over the summer so that i can go home and spend time with my family and it really is always great. i really do treasure the one on one times i can spend with my family. spending the day with my mom at the hospital or my sister over food or shopping and my dad with a movie or food or whatever. it’s really nice and i do highly value that time and i do miss them and im just 

sigh

idk if im happier to know or not. i would love to go on a long term mission trip but i would be so afraid that something tragic would happen while im gone and i would find out when i come back. and i know that my grandpa knows that i love him so much and i am so glad that i have been able to spend time with him and learn about his faith and feel encouraged by it and thats really been such a huge blessing in my life and i am just so afraid that hes going to leave and be gone and i know that it’s out of my hands and i cant control it and he might die tomorrow and that’ll be that and i wont have any say in anything and i just

sigh

i want to tell shar but i feel like ive already bothered her. i dont want to just go to angela or jason whenever im feeling down or have a problem. andrew seems to be doing well and feeling better and i dont want to take away from that and i know sofia has her own things to figure out and she should be able to take the time to focus on that and i know that jeanne is really busy and i never really talked to david about deep things and i know emily doesnt understand and doesnt know how to respond and ive only let myself slip in my family very few times when i was really emotionally distraught but im not there yet and i think i can handle this on my own. and i dont feel so bad about being alone anymore. im just here and this is it. sigh.

i just cant think about it too much and move on.

and i know that that’s a terrible mindset and part of the reason why i keep falling victim to depression and i know in my head that people are there for me and want to be there for me but im just so afraid to reach out and be weak and let myself be vulnerable bc ive done it before and i just got hurt beyond words bc i let people in and i dont think i trust them enough yet. i would give them my life. but i dont trust them to run it. i would willingly give them my death but not my life. 

and i keep trying to reach out to my sister about our grandpa and my growing concern for him but she doesnt seem to care and i know that shes going through a lot but i feel like shes so selfish sometimes. when i asked about if she was going to go with my mom to the hospital to take care of our grandparents she said no bc shes so busy. which is fine but it seemed more like a, “wow. look at me im so busy you should feel bad for me” instead of a. “no, i am so busy and i wish i could get out of my schedule to be there for him.” there was no longing to care for him and i know that it’s a lot and i shouldnt judge bc i was even not really into spending the whole day with my grandparents and i complained while we were there bc i just wanted to rest and go home but she has all the opportunities in the world to be with them and care for them and she doesnt bc shes so much more into her own life. and i know that i could be doing more too. i could be texting and calling more often and really going out of my way to make sure theyre okay bc ik some people never grow up with any grandparents bc of death or otherwise. i just sigh i know i should be more loving and understanding and i know how easy it is to just take them for granted but she knows that they’re suffering and dying and shes not doing anything about it. she should at least be trying to be supportive of them and it feels like shes so much more concerned with herself than anything else.

[nickshares]

you’re the best

and im sorry that all of this happened. but i cant emphasize enough that this isn’t your fault. honestly none of this is your fault. sure there can be some moments when i really do wish you could have something differently. but baby honestly those are few and far in between. trust me on that please!

(trust is a word that im going to be using a lot in this post so get used to it. cool.)

i know i told you all of this on the phone but its always nice to have it written down as a reference. plus, writing makes me feel better about everything. no no no. im not being all emotional and sensitive right now. you know why im not like that? because no reason to. honestly, every time i have acted that way, i didnt need to.

let explain:

when i look back at all the times when i would get emotional over something, i would always use the same excuse. that excuse that “oh its just because i love you so much and i dont want anything bad to happen.” but like why would i even think like that? why couldn’t i just put the same faith in you that you had in me. i dont think that you’re not emotional. i really dont think that at all. the thing is that you show emotion when you need to and when its necessary. you don’t need to create unnecessary commotion, bc its exactly that, unnecessary. sophia i admire that so much about you. i want to actually be more like you in that sense. you’re so down to earth and, like i said before, that part of you is just so admirable! 

here is basically my thought process in a nutshell: 

(you gotta forgive me in advance bc just writing this is really embarrassing and im like ahh why am i like this but this is what goes on) 

like i said before, we never feel like anything is wrong when we are with each other bc i dont even bother acting like that when you are with me. im so preoccupied with admiring your presence and your beauty and everything else about you that its really just not worth when we are together in person. but i’ve noticed that it only gets this way when we are away from each other. and i saw it in your eyes and in your expressions that the thing you feared was that this was this was how it would be if you accepted me back. you feared that things would forever stay this way. and when you said that you dont know what went wrong and you dont know how to fix it and you dont know if it could be fixed, well you had every reason to say that. at that time i played the victim when i totally shouldnt have. sure on the surface, that sounded crude and harsh. but when i dove deeper into it, i couldnt avoid how im at fault for mostly all of this. the reason im at fault is bc i would always put the blame on you. whether i was joking or not that was not cool of me. at all.

i cant even imagine what i must put you through. im act so sensitive over things that have no business being reacted that way. like today, i wish i would have realized this sooner, sooner as in the second you told me that you didn't love me as much. a statement like that is too radical to have been said for no reason at all. there was absolutely a reason, you just didnt know of it. i did. but i was to prideful to admit it. you weren’t loving me the same bc i wasn’t allowing you to. i wasn’t acting my normal self. i wasn’t being me. i wasn’t loving you with that pure love that brought us both unbreakable happiness. i think it was just bc i was scared. but the thing is. i shouldnt have been. i think this all started, like i said, with that first arguemnt that we had. i just felt so hurt at that moment and i was scared that you wouldn’t love me the same. and its funny bc that’s exactly how you were feeling to. now trust me, i know with my entire heart that its so easy to love you the same. im sure of it. the reason im so certain is bc i did. when you and i together, sophia you make the world stop spinning. all that i could think about is you and my whole world is about you. but i wouldn’t allow that to carry over whenever we weren’t together. that was the only thing that was different. whenever you’d leave, id always put you into situations that would force you to convince me that you still did love me the same. but i did that constantly, and that was my issue all along. its funny. i would ask you to put your pride aside and just wanted you to apologize when really you had nothing you should have apologized for. in reality, it should have been me. i should have been doing i that i was asking of you.

today was just the day where i took you to your breaking point. you know? i don’t blame you at all for that sophia. please don’t feel sorry that you felt that way. oh i understand what you mean by its not easy loving me sometimes. i was offended at first but i really shouldn’t have been like at all. i thought that “oh wow how could she say that about me as if i could change that about me” but sophia its so simple. the key to that is literally just trust. its not that i didnt trust you before, its that i didnt trust you enough. i act like i have no reason to trust you when really, cmon i have every reason to trust you. you have yet to give me a reason not to trust you. i want to say i dont know why i would act like that but i think i have an idea. like ive said before, everyone likes to have assurance. i cant thank you enough for blessing me with unbelievable loyalty and astonishing love. sure i received some assurance when i would test your promises or when i would put you in those situations– like being difficult on the phone or over text or pretending to leave or anything stupid like that– but that wasn’t really any type of assurance either of us could benefit from. the thing with this approach is that it was the most imminent. i knew immediately that you loved me. it was the most demanding way however, and i could tell by looking back now that it was a lot that i put you through.

you know that drake (ew) line where he says that “you know that if you wasn’t you, you would be dissing you.” well that fits me so perfectly its unreal. if you acted the way ive been acting towards you recently, i have no doubt in my mind that i wouldn’t have loved you the same, as well. i would have gotten annoyed and frustrated with every little thing you did, just as you did with me. the only thing is, i would have reached my breaking point a whole lot sooner. i commend you, actually no, i applaud you for literally dealing with me for this long. 

you made the right decision in telling me you felt that way, but i just made wrong decision in choosing to react that way. i could honestly say that i overreacted. and i was too embarrassed to admit it. i knew what the problem was; ive been acting really female. but i was just to embarrassed to tell you that that was the case. so i did everything in my power to avoid admitting that to you. doing so only made a bigger mess for myself and for the both of us. instead of playing the victim, i should have just admitted that i was the problem but i had too much pride to admit it. pride is seriously gonna be the death of me and me and me and me and me and me.

im serious pride is such an ugly thing to posses. i had a lot of it. pride is a terrible thing to own bc it makes you feel like you're infallible and that nothing is ever your fault. but that’s never the case. there is always something you could have done differently that could potentially make things easier for everyone. 

this is where you come out of play for a second and it became more of an internal conflict. i was so used to having things my way that i didn't know how to change it. i felt lost and clueless about how to make things better. i was actually doubting that it would be possible, just as you were doing. i did know this, i knew for a fact that i wanted things to get better. you were right when you said that flowers dont make everything better (you were wrong tho if you for a second thought that it would stop me.) 

this is going to sound really strange, but i didn't know what else to do but ask God for help. i always mask God with the universe whenever i talk about that with you bc i guess im just too embarrassed to mention that to you; of course it was bc i had too much pride. 

it was hard at first actually, i didnt want to “pray to God” bc i just felt too embarrassed, you know? i was thinking, on the off chance that there even was a God, i didnt want approach him out of nowhere and ask for help over something so stupid. but i was really desperate bc like i said, i knew i wanted you so much i was willing to do anything.

all i could think about was this video.

click on that above and you’re gonna see what i think saved me. i was just inspired i guess so i just talked to him. nothing too over the top. nothing too out of hand. all i asked was for us, as a couple, to realize what we are failing to realize and for us to just be happy. you kissed me goodbye which made me so incredibly happy but after that i didnt really think much of it 

until i went home. and ill be damned. 

now im not trying to make you a believer or anything but im just going to be honest with my personal experience. i dont know what religion is right. i dont know God’s name or what form he comes in. i dont even really know how to talk to him that well but i dont think it even matters. i just believe there has got to be a higher power. someone or something that has a purpose for everything and everyone. someone or something who knows why we’re here and what is going to come after we’re gone. someone or something that put you and i on this earth together for a reason. someone or something that i should thank. and someone or something that i could ask for help when things seem helpless. thats just how i feel. i dont know how you feel about that but thats between you and him. all i want to say is that you should talk to him too.

i know you’ve probably forgotten all that i’ve told you by now but thats okay bc im going to give you a short and sweet recap:

I’m sorry 

None of this is you’re fault

Please forgive me 

I’m still keeping my promise

No more games 

My pride is aside

Things will get better, I promise 

You’re still the love of my life

You should talk to him

Please marry me

Thank you 

I love you 

I hope that this only makes our love grow stronger and that this is just another chapter in our relationship, one which will last a life time.

Nick

June 16, 2017