#feeling Bad today besties
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perks of being autistic: fully aware that other people find me off-putting and irritating and too much and too weird for the most basic aspects of my being
#I am just. always thinking about it#what must it be like to not be off-putting at the most basic sense of your self#like every interaction I am thinking 'is this the one where I'm too much is this where I'm too annoying is this where I've fucked it up'#like I don't want to just be tolerated because of proximity I would like to be a meaningful presence who has worth#feeling Bad today besties
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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Fnaf-tober | Day 5: It was just a glitch!
run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run
Fnaf-tober by miiilowo
#fnaf#five nights at freddys#miiilowo fnaftober#security breach#Montgomery gator#monty gator#glamrock bonnie#my art#have something to do later today + wanted to work some more on non prompt art. so lasso tool my bestie my beloved#i feel kinda bad that ive yet to do ANYTHING in my normal 'i put work and time in this' style but yknow what#IM having fun#and thats what really matters. especially for a month long art challenge. its like running.
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ok but why is it just One thing after Another
#i’m so stressed 😭#every time i try to be productive SOMETHING is in the way#yesterday i had a bad headache all day and didn’t feel better til like 8 pm#today i’m in bed with cramps :(#druidberryspeaks#dl#sorry for complaining besties i don’t feel well 😔
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hi
#life update nobody asked for lol#I missed you guys my pookie wookie dookies#I deleted all my social media and life is so great wow#still a lot of mental health problems but I'm finally learning to deal with my emotions and not hate life (wow)#is it bad for me to say I'm so glad I left blr#I will probably never come back here lol but I think (?) today is txt's debut anniversary and since I am the self proclaimed empress of moa#downgrading to a flip phone actually#I unstanned txt and all the kpop peoples too (SHOCKER)#I do feel really nostalgic and sad when I think about them but I think it was the thing I needed most#delulu is infact not the solulu#daydreaming about beomgyu being the new student at my school and being soobin's bestie was never the greatest idea hey#it's so freeing to not care about them and focus on what's infront of me#if you need a sign to start growing out of kpop and start worrying about your own life here it is babe 😭 don't let anybody give you shit#Not to say kpop is bad or anything I just think for me it was getting a bit out of hand#As much as we all make fun of the delulus it's so easy to fall down that spiral when these idols constantly tell you they love you#The parasocial relationship was REAL istg these people felt like my friends#Hueningkai does not give a FUCK about me and he is so real for that#Thinking about deleting this blog but I'm logging off after this so I very well may forget it exists again#But I just wanted to share what's been going on#And I miss you guys a lot#I may have outgrown kpop and tumblr but you all still have a special place in my heart#I miss the good old days 😭 when discord let's me back in I might visit wme#Not much has changed with me but mentally I feel like a whole new person#But I hope you all are doing GREAT#Living your best lives and doing things that make you happy#You owe it to yourself more than you owe these celebrities anything#xoxo savie 😝🤟🤟🔥🔥🔥
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i thinkk that a huge part of why im so deeply unhappy is bc im a girl who is supposed to and needs to have a girl bestie - my other half. ever since i was a kid i've always had a girl friend who was my other half and who i talked to and hung out with every single day. now when i dont have that, and when it's also been 6 years since my last friendship like that, i feel profoundly lost and alone. i need another woman close to me who i love and can anchor myself in. who is my compass, my stars, my solid ground. lacking the love, support, comfort, loyalty and security of a strong and forceful love and friendship with another woman, i feel incomplete and lonely and unhappy. like something fundamentally important to the essence of my being is missing. and it completely messes with me on every level of my life.
#u can blab on abt 'u need to feel complete withing urself' blah blah fkn blah#idc and i think you're wrong bc every person is different#we and our brains work in different way#ways*#regardless if you wanna sit there and say uhhh this is wrong! this is bad! this is unhealthy!#yeah blah blah it doesnt matter what you say or think. things just are the wY they are#and i dont give a single flying fuck if i 'should' learn how to cope blab blahhhhh#i WANT and NEED a female friend like this in my life#and as long as i dont have one i am incomplete. even if some ppl wanna whine abt how toxic that is#i am not complete by myself and can only be completed with a woman who im bffs with#it's like somewhere between besties and lovers. bc even if theres some sort of homoerotic energy#i dont want nor need it to be romantical love bc thats not strong enough and idk#idk i cant explain but it's just that very highly specific friendship women can have w eo#im made for that. i need that.#i've been thinking abt my past life and friends a lot lately#and i just realized this today#there has been gaps before but most of my life i've had a close girl bestie like this#last time was 6yrs ago after high school#and since then it's been so bad. im deeply unhappy without that bond in my life
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Would've posted the last update yesterday but I basically collapsed into bed the moment I got home, so y'all can have it now lmao. I managed to hold it together until around 9pm, at which point I'd been working for over 12 hours at that point, so I think I did pretty good. Supervisor hit us on the radio to tell us it looked like we wouldn't be done til past midnight, and we were supposed to be out of there by 10pm, so that was the last straw for me bc I just wanted to go home and I mumbled something about going to the bathroom so I could cry for a minute. Came back, apparently that was also the last straw for my partner who evidently knew literally the entire time bc dude fucking goes "so do you wanna talk or are we just gonna keep pretending you haven't been feeling like shit all day", I tried to downplay it, it didn't work obviously, he looked at me like 😒, you hate to see it. He wanted to make sure I wasn't actually gonna become a patient so he did a quick assessment, my vitals were ✨ abnormal ✨ which was fun. We didn't have to do much else work related the rest of the shift so it was nice to just vibe for a bit. Finally got to leave, partner didn't trust me to drive myself home that late while I was still running a fever so he drove me home, we got food on the way back, I showered, then immediately went to sleep after crying a little but bc everything hurt so bad lmao
#not snz#just me being a fucking wreck lmao#i was still at 101 when my partner checked so it didn't get better at all like i thought it would lmao#i feel a hell of a lot better now tho#amazing what sleep can do for a bitch lmao#also my partner is definitely not doing a good job convincing me that he doesn't like me bc dude#who's out here doing all that for a person they don't like#and he texted me this morning to make sure i was still alive lmao#like sir are you aware that this is bestie behavior#To Me#i forgot to give him his jacket back tho 😔 negative partner points for me#it's okay I'll just give it back to him washed with snacks in the pockets lmao that'll make up for it probably#I'm gonna have to buy that man so much food tho like i feel bad ahakdkajdl#anyway i got to be a corpse today so that was cool#my parents went to get my car for me bc i had to leave it there ahdkkakd
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hi i have been inactive for a while due to the chk chk boom. hope you understand.
#HI HELLO BESTIES I WISH I COULD UPDATE YOU GUYS BUT I HAVE BEEN SUPER BUSY AND CONSUMED BY THE HORRORS™#basically im moving out the country in like four days so packing has been a whole ordeal#not to mention i'm procrastinating feeling my feelings#my three month gre prep plan turned into a one week prep reality T-T my unofficial score is 321 out of 340 which is... idrk#i was in the middle of a lot of things and given the level of time and energy i was able to commit amidst the chaos... it's not too bad.#OH ALSO i got done with the round one registration for my courses today and it was a MESS#(technically only the in-dept courses were due today. the ones from the other depts were due 17th. either way. the website was being cruel)#oh and as for out-dept courses it's a different procedure but I managed to get Intro to ML! absolutely insane given my meager coding skills#as well as my shaky understanding of engineering calculus. in other words welcome back my arch nemesis slash lover miss mathematics#oh and! all my friends are also moving away which basically means the past week has been meeting my besties and trying not to cry#i've been reading a bit as well! i read assistant to the villain and it was simply the cutest book ever i need the sequel SO BAD#OH AND GOSE IS BACK so that's been fun#so yeah that's what's up#i really wished i had more time to update on here I had a really cool idea for this week but i've been too exhausted sighhh#hope you guys have been doing well also please feel free to text or tag me on posts i might not be able to reply but i love reading updates#sending lots of hugs and chocolates to all my beloveds <3#oh oh also please go check out skz's comeback it's so good!#okay it's like 12:26am now ima go sleep now gnight byeeee#megumi in the tags#megumi.fm
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realising you're trans is like realising you've been driving in a clown car all your life and infinite clowns of misery and uncomfortableness and dysphoria have been squished into what looks like a completely normal car and once they start coming out they don't stop
#me rereading a vent fic about chest dysphoria i started in 2021#the same me who didin't accept i had chest dysphoria til this year 💀#'oh yeah that was just a phase' no bestie you repressed it to hell#and once again i WAS trans in 2021 i was nonbinary i was just also blocking EVERYTHING out#mine#gender adventures with neednoggle#i need to be nicer to myself ive only properly known for coming up to 4 months#vs 21 years of not knowing#im doing ok#i think im still enby now as well#jus in different way#some of it is hilarious anyway#i mean how much transmasc fic can i both read and write over several years#feeling incredibly comforted by and connected to#in a way nonbinary fic did not make me feel#and not have something click?#just feeling like a bad enby™#yeah all my transmasc fic? none of it was written with a jot of self awareness except half my bill and frank one#honeslty i think they were what tipped the scale 🤣#ok enough outing myself for today lmao
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I wonder how many tags i can add on to this
#there must be SOME kind of a limit otherwise posts would get suuuuuuper duper long like is it just 30?#idk but i'm going to find out by simply maxxing out the character limit for each tag and finding out the limit of tags for each post lololo#this is gonna be great. i just have to remember to type without ever using the comma. it shouldn't be too hard right? fuck i almost typed#the comma i'm already bad at this smh my head. also if your still here i commend you. you have a better attention span than i do.#i'm already starting to get bored holy shit this is not happening. i gotta power through this. FOR SCIENCEEEEEEEEEE. or somethinggggggggggg#but fr idk what else to say. maybe just saying that i don't know what to say will be good enough? but does that even count?#I don't even know anymore. ffffffffuck. this is gonna be a while huh? also holy shit if you're still here omg u deserve like. a prize or#something because u definitely didn't have to stay and read all of this bull shit. lololol i typed out bs but decided to just spell the who#thing out just to make it go by faster. i'm so lazy. this is only the nineth tag HOW will i make it to 30. i am sobbing the adhd is adhding#very hard rn. are you still here? bruh this is insane. i have somehow managed to keep ur attention this long and it's just me spouting#absolute balderdash. wait do you know what balderdash even means? i don't care if you do already i'm gonna tell you anyway. balderdash is#basically just another word for nonsense. boom. you learned something new today. balderdash equals nonsense equals this damn post.#why did i decide to do this in the first place. it was a dumb idea. i don't know if i can even keep going. this is only the *counts tags*#it's the 14th tag. we've got a long way to go boys. men. soldiers. comrads. friends. besties peeps. marshmallows.#where was i going with this? oh yeah. trying to max out the limit for tags. dang i almost typed a comma there. i haven't done that since#i think the third or fourth tag. dang that feels like such a long time ago. not for you guys probably. it feels longer because i have to li#type it all out and stuff. so it's definitely gonna feel longer for me. are you still here? good lord don't you have better things to#be doing than reading all of this? we're already on tag number 18. it feels like i should be on the thirtyeth by now. or however it's spell#'toast' you might be wondering 'why are you typing out the names of the numbers instead of say '9' or '5'?' well you see. young one.#this is a strategy i'm using to make each tag slightly longer. even if i don't know how to spell it. it'll make it just a little bit longer#anyway. i got off topic. not that there was ever a topic to begin with. unless it's about making this as long as i can.#which i am apparently good at doing. i guess. are you STILL here? do you seriously have nothing to do? i guess i'm flattered you stayed thi#whole time. instead of reading something else you stayed here. with me. listening to me talk. on the twenty-third tag. oh yeah its tag 23#except now it's tag twenty-four. how crazy is that. this little talk is almost over. only 6 tags away if memory serves right. this's strang#i kind of don't want this to end. but i know it should. after all there is a limit. but all things must come to and end at some point i gue#i'm running out of things to say. it's probably a good thing it's almost over. hahahahah............... but i don't want to go. i don't wan#to leave this post. i've worked so hard on it. and for what. just for it to end. are you still here? yes? good. i'd hate to end this alone.#thank you for indulging me and my craziness. the end is only 2 tags away now. you can go ahead and leave. i'll be okay on my own. really...#...you're still here? i- i don't know what to say. i suppose a toast is in order. perhaps. for this journey. this stupid dumb post i though#would be fun. i'll make it short. it's the last tag after all. this was fun. but i will never do it again. so long as a i live. i'll miss y
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😵
#guysssssss..... im sentinelbrained again.........#maybe next time ill get into something a single other person likes too but today is not that day#i feel bad yapping about this show to anyone directly cause it really is not that Good but. i am having sososo much fun with it#its such a good time#im on the third season and well it turns out the main character stoic cop guy has an evil toxic dad and some major daddy issues#and in this ep hes doing like. the whole 'you didnt want me to be different you made me feel like a freak but this is who i am this is me'#and like. yea its about the sentinel thing but u are also the man living with your Super Special boy bestie#who serial killers use as bait to lure you out like weekly and who you got a soul bond with and stuff so. could be nothing really#all the acting in this show is so like. i mean its not Bad bad but its very exaggerated at times fshsjsj and its so much fun#every episode has a 10minute chase scene#and these gaudy half fade commercial break title cards#so sillyy its so sillyyyy aagh#my post#anyways#you guys are lucky the sentinel tag here is so hard to navigate cos otherwise youd be getting another spamming of gifs right about now#theres a bunch of scenes where you only realize halfway through that sandburgs there too cos jim and simon are so tall compared to him#and he doesnt get any lines anyway. and it always makes me laugh#every single ep has a side charcater with one ear pierced. sandburg has one ear pierced. jim has one ear pierced. everyone does its the 90s#the music is so obnoxious and theyre playing it All the time and its the funniest thing#and the sound bites when jims using his Sentinel Senses are even funnier#anyway ye its not a good show and its not anywhere and nobody knows it but. i like it soso much#the constant slo-mo when something Dramatic happens too omfg can we bring it back
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guess who got a really bad stomach flu and spent all of last night throwing up
#I genuinely thought I was going to die#like I���m talking projectile vomiting bro#my best friend’s dad’s bday was Friday and we went over to their house to cut a cake and he’d been having some stomach problems#but we all thought it was bc he’d eaten some bad leftovers the night before#cut to my bestie texting me the next morning telling me both her and her sister got the same thing so that meant it was a virus 😭#and now I’ve spent all day sipping Gatorade and eating tiny portions of apple sauce bc I can’t keep anything else down#and then I have work tomorrow and I can’t call out bc my PTO hours aren’t available until June#luckily I don’t feel horrible anymore but today’s been hell just swimming in and out of consciousness and trying to stay hydrated#without hacking it all back up 😭
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a customer confused me and another cashier about the change he needed then he proceeded to have the fakest phone call ever with his wife and said he needed to return the bobbles but he was sketchy so i kept telling him the return wont go through that quick (i can do it a different way) but then he kept demanding i open the till to give him the £10 cuz he saw it last time (he was standing right next to me when he bought it meaning he saw the till cash) and THEN every time i mentioned i was gonna get my supervisor to help me out he kept blocking my exit to the staff room 😂😀👏🏽🙌🏽👌🏽👍🏽👍🏽
#lov ethat for me#he was fokhen massive as well#🦀#i feel so bad i might cry#no not bad…idc about the company but it was just scary#my bestie was the manager for today and i couldnt even get to her cuz he was blocking me#so i feel bad for her cuz it was my fault we probs lost money????#yeah :(#and i dont want her to get in trouble
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#Okay so tw cuz im gonna rant about suicide#so back in July I planned on killing myself today#I told myself I needed to try n get better n if I couldn’t that was it#and I’ve tried I really have#and I’m obviously still struggling but not to the extent I was#like I’m depressed n my ed is getting worse#but I’m finally hanging out with D n she’s just so much fun to be around#im calling my bestie more and she sounds genuinely happy to hear from me#im doing a bit better with my parents to n im seeing my cousin more who I’ve missed so much#I have plans for break for the first time in years#im finally getting piercings#it’s crazy cuz even just 2 weeks ago I didn’t think Id be ok today#but I am like today isn’t gonna be another attempt I’m gonna make it#and that’s wild to me bc I was so bad over the summer I was constantly debating it that’s why I set the date#And I don’t think I’m fixed and there’s a big chance I’ll attempt at some point in the future knowing me#but right now I feel like I have a reason to try and I haven’t felt like that in a long time#okay I’m done now just wanted to say that#screaming#tw suicide#tw suicide mention#kinda
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“god has a specific plan for me” i say as i call out of work because i overslept
#🦌#i feel so bad bc i know ur supposed to call out earlier but bestie i overslept and im not gonna make it#and now i have NO idea what to do today
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